Who We Are (31/35)
Title: Who We Are (31/35)
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4,853
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers. Tissues may be required.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - When David left Tel Aviv he swore he'd never give it another chance.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 10 15 20 25 26 27 28 29 30
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. This is one of the sections I slaved over and am still not entirely happy with but I'll be buggered if I can figure out how to make it better. That said tell me what you think.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 31
David bent over backward as far as he could and listed to his spine pop. Sixteen hours on a plane, flying economy, was not the most pleasant thing he’d ever done. The people around him in the customs line looked more or less how he felt as they all shuffled forward like zombies.
He finally reached the front of the line and presented his passport, which hadn’t been used since leaving Tel Aviv to begin with. He also pushed his paperwork and credentials across the small desk. The bored looking customs agent examined everything carefully then eyed him up.
“Reason for your visit?”
“Visiting the grave of an old friend. I couldn’t make it in time for the funeral.”
The agent nodded, stamped his passport and pushed everything back across the desk. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
David shuffled forward dragging his suitcase and finally was herded out into the international arrivals area.
He scanned the crowd until he caught sight of a familiar face. Jonathan Brite, his first partner, and the man who got him out of Tel Aviv alive. Jonathan pulled him into a hard backslapping hug.
“God damn it Sinclair, look at you. Welcome back. How was the flight? Got all your stuff?”
“Got my stuff and the flight was long.”
“No shit, come on.” Jonathan waved him towards the exit and the parking lot. They made small talk about the flight until they were in Jonathan’s grey sedan with the air conditioner turned up. Jonathan twisted around in the seat to look at him. “Look at you Sinclair, back in Tel Aviv. What the hell are doing here?”
David tried to dodge the question. “What are you doing still here? I thought you swore you were getting out, DC or something?”
Jonathan shrugged. “What can I say, the town grew on me. The question is what the hell are you doing back here, Sinclair?”
“I left town quick, didn’t get to wrap up a few things.”
“You left town quick six years ago. That’s a long time leave whatever it is hanging.”
David just shrugged a bit.
Jonathan pulled a folder off the back seat and handed it to David. “Those few things have anything to do with this?”
David took the folder. He’d asked Jonathan to do some local research for him. He flipped open the folder and looked right into Isaiah’s smiling official photo. “Well I was out of town that weekend, missed the funeral.” David tried to sound casual. Jonathan was one of the better agents he ever worked with and had always been quick on the uptake.
“He was a good techie but I didn’t know you’d ever even talked to the guy. Frankly it took me a minute to remember who you were talking about.”
David desperately tried to school his features and hide the stab of pain in his chest but Jonathan was a grand master of reading faces. “Well,” David stumbled and quickly closed the folder not knowing what to say.
“Oh you are kidding me.” Jonathan said slowly. David hung his head. “No way. You and the techie?”
David closed his eyes. “His name was Isaiah,” he said softly.
“Holy shit.” Jonathan dragged out the words. “For how long? I mean how long did I not notice that?”
“Eight months.”
“You were only here eight months.”
“I know.”
“Wow.” Jonathan didn’t say anything else, just let the sound of the aircon fill the car. “Wow,” he finally said again. “I’m going to have to turn in my badge. I mean everyone knew the techie was a little light in the loafers but how the hell did I miss the two of you for eight months?” David just shrugged a little suddenly feeling like a green probie again. Jonathan gave him a little shove. “And why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
David looked up. “Oh come on.”
“Yeah, I get it. Still. It’s been what six years and now you’ve got a desire to find out where they planted him?”
David rubbed at his head feeling the post flight headache crashing down. “It’s complicated.”
“You’re not dying are you?” Jonathan asked suddenly. “This isn’t a bucket list thing?”
“No, as far as I’m aware I’m no more terminal than the next guy.”
“So..?”
“It’s just...”
“Complicated?”
“Yeah.”
Jonathan raised his hands. “Okay, I’ll stop being Mr. Nosey since I’m obviously crap at it anyway.” He finally put the car into reverse and pulled out of its space. “By the way you’re staying with me.”
David was hit with a memory of Jonathan’s terrifying bachelor apartment. “Um... You know you really don’t have to do that.”
Jonathan laughed. “Don’t worry, I have a house now with a proper guest room and everything. You can find out why I’m still here.”
The rest of the drive was quiet. David stared out the window trying to reorient himself. There was a lot of new construction that he didn’t recognize. In six years it was like parts of it were a whole new city. Jonathan drove out into an area where the homes looked new. He pulled into a driveway next to a tidy yard. “Home sweet home.”
Before they got to the front door it opened. A trim black haired woman stood in the doorway. She was perhaps more handsome than classically beautiful but Jonathan’s face lit up. “David, may I present Mrs. Brite my lovely wife Yafit. Yafit, my old partner David Sinclair.”
David tried not to let his jaw drop open. The Jonathan Brite he knew had been determined to die a bachelor. David shook hands. “A pleasure,” he said automatically then turned to Jonathan. “You got married!?”
Jonathan grinned, “I did better than that.” There was the sound of small running feet and a little black haired blur leapt into Jonathan’s arms. The blur was about four and wearing butterfly wings. “Maya, sweetie this is my old partner David. David this is the smartest thing I ever did, her name is Maya.”
David shook the tiny hand that was held out to him before the girl wiggled out of her Daddy’s arms and ran off. “So.” David was still processing the shock. “Not leaving Tel Aviv any time soon are you?”
Jonathan laughed. “Nope, the place has got me. Come on, I’ll show you to your room. Dinner should be ready soon.”
David unpacked in a small room done in tasteful blues. He couldn’t believe that Jonathan was completely settled down but it wasn’t like he had kept in contact. He knew when he locked away the memory of Isaiah he’d shut away the entire city along with him.
A small dark head peeked around the door to the guest room. “It’s dinner time.”
David smiled. “I’ll be there in a second.”
“You have to wash your hands first.”
What David really wanted was a shower after that flight but hand washing would have to do. “Well why don’t you show me where the bathroom is so I can do that?”
David’s hand was grabbed and he was dragged down the hall to a bathroom where he was carefully schooled in the proper way to wash his hands then dragged back down the hall to where dinner was waiting on the table and a Goldstar Lager was already open and waiting by his seat.
David took a sip. “Wow, that brings back memories.”
“Don’t have those out in LA, do they?”
“Nope, been living off Corona and Heineken.”
Jonathan raised his own beer. “Well, welcome back.”
Jonathan managed to keep the conversation off the reason for David’s trip though David could tell he wanted a better answer than ‘complicated’. He regaled Yafit, a business analyst, with some particularly embarrassing stories of some green boneheaded messes David had gotten himself into during their eight months as partners. David had managed to half forget some of the stupider stunts and made a note to himself to apologize to Colby for riding him quite as hard as he did their first year. Finally, over dessert, as Maya was explaining that she wanted to be a bug doctor, David let out a yawn.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly.
“Don’t worry about it. What time is it in LA?”
David checked his watch. “About ten thirty in the morning.”
“Did you sleep on the flight?”
“Not really. Do you mind if I grab an early night?”
“Not at all,” Yafit answered. “It’s time for someone else to get ready for bed too.”
Maya crossed her arms and shook her head. “Not tired.”
Jonathan stood and lifted the little girl right from her chair. “I think you are. I think it’s time for all good little bugs to crawl into their cocoons and go to sleep.” Jonathan headed off carrying his daughter down the hall, her butterfly wings fluttering behind her.
David helped Yafit gather the desert dishes. “Last time I saw Jonathan he was living in a two room bachelor pad you couldn’t find the floor of and most nights he slept on this terrible yellow sofa he had.”
Yafit laughed. “I made him burn that sofa as proof of his love for me.”
“Thank god. That thing was a biohazard. Every time I sat on it I was worried that I was going to catch something.”
“He took me back to his place on our third date. My thought was ‘I am falling in love with this man but that couch must go.’”
“You or it.”
“And I won.”
“Lucky for Jonathan you did.”
~
David pushed through the crowd. The press of bodies was stifling hot. They were all moving somewhere but David couldn’t tell where. There was just heat and a flat yellow light. He tried to call out but his throat was locked, no sound could escape. He kept pushing against a sea of people. He knew he had to find someone, he knew he had to do it quick. He could feel his heart pound like he was in a race. From somewhere a whiff of sweet putrid rot hit his nose. His stomach clenched and he pressed on harder but the crowd started pressing back. He fell. A crush of humans moved over him. He tried to scream and stand. Just out of arms reach he could see another body topped with short black curls being trampled into bloody nothing. David tried to scream.
David’s eyes snapped opened. He’d gotten used to waking up in a sweat his heart racing. He wasn’t used to someone shaking his foot. He fumbled for the bedside light and flipped it on.
Maya stood at the foot of the bed in a long nightshirt covered in butterflies and was clutching was looked like a fat, green, stuffed caterpillar. She was also shaking David’s foot. “You had a bad dream,” she stated plainly.
David rubbed at his eyes feeling keenly embarrassed. He’d made hotel reservations mainly so he wouldn’t risk subjecting Jonathan to this. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”
Maya shook her head. “Mommy has bad dreams sometimes to. Daddy shakes her foot ‘cause she can hit hard.”
“Well you can stop shaking my foot now, I’m awake. And I don’t hit very hard.”
Maya let go of David’s foot with a nod and wandered off. A couple minutes later he heard the toilet flush and the soft shuffle of small feet. He flicked off the light and tried to get back to sleep.
David found himself waking up three more times. Twice more in the dark then the third time light was coming between the curtains and his foot was being shaken again.
“You have a lot of bad dreams,” Maya said.
“Yeah, I do.”
Maya pinched her lips and give him an intense dark stare that made him feel like a particularly confusing bug. “Breakfast,” she said then left again.
David managed to make small talk through breakfast and get himself together. He knew what his plan for the day was. He needed to do the thing he should have done six years ago. It was the thing he should have done that Monday when he begged off sick.
Yafit dropped him off near Isaiah’s old apartment. David let his feet take him down what was once a familiar path. Three blocks down, one block up and over. David let his feet take him across the intersection where he knew Isaiah had taken his final breaths. He kept going one more block then stopped.
To his surprise a small cafe was still sitting on the corner. He had been more than half sure it would have been closed or changed ownership but the same mismatched wooden chairs were still sitting on the sidewalk and the walls were still painted to resemble a tropical rain forest.
David inspected the pastries sitting under glass. “The banana chocolate chip muffin, please. To go,” he told the girl behind the counter. There was one left. She put it into a small paper bag and David paid.
From there he went to a corner and flagged down a cab.
The cemetery was one of the larger ones and the man there spoke English. He led David to the appropriate grave then left.
David stared at the grave and the grey lump of stone at its head. He couldn’t read most of what was written on it but Isaiah’s name was also written in English. David took a deep breath, then another. It was hard, his chest tightening and his throat felt like it just might close up. This was it. The thing he’d come half way around the planet for. The thing he had to do to hopefully get his life back. He swallowed hard.
“Well, you got me here,” he choked up. “All the way back to god damn Tel Aviv. And... I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come here sooner. I’m sorry I wasn’t there on the day. I’m sorry I didn’t feel safe enough to at least tell my own partner about us so maybe I would have found out sooner than that damn Monday morning. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you properly that day. I’m sorry the sex wasn’t better the night before I left. I mean it was okay but it wasn’t our best. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your family and demand your comic collection. I’m sorry I don’t know what happened to it. I’m sorry I wasn’t standing by your side in that moment. And more than anything I’m sorry I never told you I love you.” David heard his voice crack.
He scrubbed at his eyes and looked around making sure the cemetery was completely empty. “There, I said it. I loved you Isaiah. You were insane and a pain in my ass most days but god I loved you and I’m sorry I was such a fucking coward about it. I don’t know what’s over there but you have every right to be angry at me for that. Here’s me, big bad FBI agent, facing down armed gunman but I couldn’t tell you that for eight months you made me happy and I fell for you so damn fast and hard. I should have told you. I should have told you every damn day. You shouldn’t have died and we should have gone to LA together and gotten married on vacation in Canada. My mother would have loved you. My sisters too. You could have gone to temple with my boss and hung out with the CalSci gang and...”
David took some deep breaths, he could feel his pulse racing. “I’ve got a friend now, Larry. And he told me one night about the big parallel universe theory and how there are an infinite number of them, one for every decision ever made. So as much as this hurts standing here I’m telling myself there are a million other universes where you walked a little faster that day or a little slower or stopped to talk to someone or just laid in bed an extra minute and in all those universes that car missed you and in those universes where you are alive there’s got to be at least a few where we’re together and happy and I hope that David and that Isaiah fucking appreciate what they have.”
David let silence descend in the cemetery once again. Somewhere a bird chirped not knowing or caring about the affairs of men. David ran his hand over his head a few times.
“I don’t know if you’re watching my life. You’re certainly haunting it these days. I can’t close my eyes without you being there anymore. I’ve met someone, his name’s Charlie. Well really I met him six years ago, just after I got to LA, just after you were killed. He had some issues though and I was grieving so hard for you and I couldn’t tell a soul. Anyway a few months ago, well, we’re together now, or at least we’re trying to be. He’s a really good guy. He’s makes me happy. I don’t know if we’ve got a real future but I really want to enjoy what we’ve got going now. It’s hard. I’m trying not to make the same mistakes with him that I made with you, but it feels like I left some big chunk of myself here some days and I need it back. Not all of it but what’s happening now, what’s happening to me... I just want to be able to sleep through the night and make love to Charlie but I miss you. And I am sorry. For everything I am sorry.” David took the muffin out from the little bag and placed it at the base of the headstone. “It’s from your favorite place. It’s still there. Got it just for you. I love you. I always will. Goodbye.”
~
David sat on a low stone bench by the cemetery’s entrance. He watched people come and go. After an hour an entire funeral came through. He watched as women dressed in black sobbed while trailing confused children who looked uncomfortable in their mourning clothes.
The funeral was a long one and it was well over another hour before David saw the same people start to trickle back out. Some were crying more, others less.
It was sometime after the last of those mourners went on their way that David made a phone call.
It took about half an hour before Jonathan pulled up and David got in. “Are you sure this is okay?” David asked.
“I’m sort of the boss these days. I can give myself a bit of time here and there.”
“Okay.”
Jonathan found a place that was dark, open and already serving alcohol. They got a booth in the corner and David started drinking. It took three drinks for David to get past ‘complicated’ and start laying out the story of the whole sorry mess.
Six or seven drinks in his vision started going blurry but he wasn’t sure if that was from the alcohol or if he was crying. Somewhere after the ninth or tenth drink David found himself in an alley with Jonathan’s arm around his shoulders as he became violently ill. He’s pretty sure he didn’t pass out but things were a little fuzzy after that.
David woke up to his head pounding and the room spinning. Jonathan sat on the edge of the bed and held a glass of blessedly cold water to his lips. David took a few sips trying to wash out the taste of dead things. “What happened?” David mumbled, his lips feeling thick.
“You got blind stinking drunk, rambled, cried, puked in an alley then I took you home and you passed out.”
David winced as fragments of memories floated back. “What time is it?”
“After eleven. There’s some leftover dinner in the fridge if you want some.”
David’s stomach lurched at the thought of food. He shook his head which didn’t feel fully attached.
“I thought so.”
“I’m sorry, Jonathan,” David mumbled.
“Don’t be, you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do when you lose someone, you’re just a little late.”
David tried to shake his head again. “Shouldn’t have dumped this all on you.”
“Hey, that’s what partners are for, even old partners. Here.” Jonathan handed him a couple of white pills. “Take these, use the can, then try to get back to sleep. I know this sounds asinine but you’ll feel better in the morning.”
~
David opened his eyes to find himself being stared at. His foot wasn’t being shaken so he figured he wasn’t having nightmare, that realization alone was a shock to his system which was already feeling a little fragile. “Hello?” he said wincing at the rawness of his throat.
Maya tilted her head. She had ladybugs all over her pajamas. “Are you sick?” she asked suddenly.
“Why?”
“Daddy only makes biscuits for breakfast when I’m sick but I’m not sick and Mommy’s not sick and Daddy’s not sick so you must be sick.”
David slowly sat up. The absolute worst of the hangover had happened overnight but he was still feeling raw in every sense. “I’ve felt better.”
The little girl nodded seriously then patted his leg and left.
David stumbled to the bathroom and managed to get himself cleaned up and at least looking halfway human before a tray of biscuits came out of the oven.
Jonathan put a plate in front of him that had large fluffy biscuits and poached eggs. “Now this’ll cure what ails you. Mama Brite’s biscuits and eggs. You’d be able to swim back to New York with that in you.”
“I think I’ll fly.” David found the biscuits were quite good and after a couple of cups of coffee the raw edges started feeling a little better. David let himself get roped into a bit of baby sitting which seemed to consist of a couple of hours of sitting in the backyard watching Maya catch various kinds of bugs, a couple hours of Fraggle Rock on DVD, then making sandwiches.
He didn’t know if it was planned but after a few hours of looking at the world through the eyes of a clever four year old what had felt like a gaping wound in his chest for weeks now felt like it just might be starting to heal.
~
David had planned for a week in Tel Aviv. He spent the next few days going around to places he and Isaiah had liked together, shops, parks, little cafes. In each one he forced himself to close his eyes, take a breath and remember the good moments he had. Nights were still a little rough but the dreams were not as harsh or graphic and they would slip more quickly from his mind. That didn’t mean he didn’t wake up to his foot being shaken a few times but Maya would just look at him then wander off.
There was one more thing however that he was putting off and each day he told himself it would be that day.
It was David’s last full day in town and already getting late. He knew it was now or never. He double checked the address scribbled on a slip of paper, straightened his tie, clutched Isaiah’s copy of Catch-22 and knocked on the door in front of him. A man in his early 40’s with dark angular features opened the door. “Yes?”
“Hello, my name is David Sinclair, I’m looking for Liat Yadin?”
The man squinted a little. “May I tell her why?”
“I was a friend of her son, Isaiah. I have something of his that I never had a chance to return.”
The man looked him over for a moment then opened the door to let David in. David was led silently down a dark hall to an airy sitting room. There were three men there, all around forty by the looks of them and a small proud looking woman who was at least over sixty. David tried to remember the picture that always sat on Isaiah’s desk as he was sure this had to be at least four of his five brothers. In each of their faces he could pick out something of Isaiah’s face, eyes or cheeks or noses.
The brother who had let him in whispered to their mother. She stood and offered David her hand. “You are a friend of my son’s?”
“Yes, a long time ago, we worked together. My name is David Sinclair.”
She had a good strong grip to her hand then motioned him to sit on the tastefully upholstered sofa. David perched on the edge to nervous to make himself comfortable. Each of Isaiah’s brothers was giving him some flavor of the eye.
“My son passed away some time ago,” Liat stated plainly.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I was sent on assignment out into the countryside the day before his accident. I didn’t find out what happened until I returned on Monday. I was reassigned back to the states the same day.”
Liat just nodded.
David swallowed hard trying to keep every emotion in check. He put down the copy of Catch-22 and pushed it across the coffee table. He noticed one of the brothers shift a little. “Isaiah loaned this to me. He wanted me to learn to read it. Said it was his favorite. I didn’t get a chance to give it back and it ended up getting packed when I moved. I didn’t want to just drop it in the mail but it’s taken me a few years to get back here.”
Liat picked up the book with her age speckled hands. “He loaned this to you?”
“Yes.”
“And you were a friend?”
“Yes.” David’s heart was thumping so loud and hard in his chest he was sure they could hear it. “We... we both collected comic books.” One of the brothers made a small dismissive noise. “He was a good guy, a lot of fun to be around, smart, always on the ball at work. He... He’s still missed.”
Liat nodded. “Thank you,” she said. The room went silent. David waited a moment but that was apparently it. He stood, gave a bit of a nod, and showed himself out.
He was barely a block away when he became aware of the sound of feet hurrying behind him. He turned to find the youngest looking of the brothers approaching and holding the book. David stopped, the name Ethan popping into his head. The one brother Isaiah had ever really spoken about.
Ethan stopped a few feet away. “Mr. Sinclair.”
“Yes?”
“I know who you are.” Ethan’s voice was serious but David didn’t think he was a threat.
“I’m a friend of Isaiah’s. I...”
“No. My mother, my brothers they are good at never seeing things that will disturb them. I knew my brother. I know who you are.” David swallowed hard and silently apologized to Isaiah for where he thought this conversation was going. “I loved my brother,” Ethan continued “but he was... flaming, on his best days.” David lowered his head. He didn’t know what to say. It was the truth but he would not be the one to confirm it. “He tried his best to keep quiet, appear normal, for the sake of our mother but I knew him and when he spoke of you I knew who you were, who you must be to him.”
David’s head shot up. “He talked about me?”
“In passing. A new agent at work. David from New York. David from the Bronx. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“That was more discussion than other agents got. When my brother was killed I was afraid you would come, tell people who you were, cause a scene. And when you did not come I was angry at you that you had not come to pay your respects to the man you were with.”
“I didn’t know. I was out in the country side. No one told me until Monday.”
“Yes. You said.” Ethan took a deep breath. “I knew my brother. He was unwell at times. As a child he was often angry and morose, took to having fits and tantrums. Our father would say that he was too smart for his soul. That never quite made sense but we knew what he meant. In the months before he died Isaiah was happier than I could ever recall him, more at peace, for what that may be worth to you.”
David blinked trying to fight back tears and work his way around the lump in his chest. “Thank you.”
Ethan held out the copy of Catch-22 “My family would not appreciate it.” David carefully took the thick battered paperback into his hands. “And I have my own copy.”
“I still don’t know how to read it.”
Ethan gave a half shrug. “Then learn.” And with no other comment he turned and walked away leaving David on the sidewalk blinking into the falling sun.
Previous Next
Author: ladygray99
Rating: PG13
Characters/Pairings: Charlie/David
Word count: 4,853
Warnings/Spoilers: Attempted Suicide and the after effects there of. See Part 1 for Spoilers. Tissues may be required.
Summary: Sometimes life makes you look in the mirror and if you don’t like what you see there are only a couple of options. - When David left Tel Aviv he swore he'd never give it another chance.
Previous Chapters: 1 5 10 15 20 25 26 27 28 29 30
Notes:Written for choc_fic 's 100 Days of Color. This is one of the sections I slaved over and am still not entirely happy with but I'll be buggered if I can figure out how to make it better. That said tell me what you think.
Beta: swingandswirl and riverotter1951
Chapter 31
David bent over backward as far as he could and listed to his spine pop. Sixteen hours on a plane, flying economy, was not the most pleasant thing he’d ever done. The people around him in the customs line looked more or less how he felt as they all shuffled forward like zombies.
He finally reached the front of the line and presented his passport, which hadn’t been used since leaving Tel Aviv to begin with. He also pushed his paperwork and credentials across the small desk. The bored looking customs agent examined everything carefully then eyed him up.
“Reason for your visit?”
“Visiting the grave of an old friend. I couldn’t make it in time for the funeral.”
The agent nodded, stamped his passport and pushed everything back across the desk. “Welcome to Tel Aviv.”
David shuffled forward dragging his suitcase and finally was herded out into the international arrivals area.
He scanned the crowd until he caught sight of a familiar face. Jonathan Brite, his first partner, and the man who got him out of Tel Aviv alive. Jonathan pulled him into a hard backslapping hug.
“God damn it Sinclair, look at you. Welcome back. How was the flight? Got all your stuff?”
“Got my stuff and the flight was long.”
“No shit, come on.” Jonathan waved him towards the exit and the parking lot. They made small talk about the flight until they were in Jonathan’s grey sedan with the air conditioner turned up. Jonathan twisted around in the seat to look at him. “Look at you Sinclair, back in Tel Aviv. What the hell are doing here?”
David tried to dodge the question. “What are you doing still here? I thought you swore you were getting out, DC or something?”
Jonathan shrugged. “What can I say, the town grew on me. The question is what the hell are you doing back here, Sinclair?”
“I left town quick, didn’t get to wrap up a few things.”
“You left town quick six years ago. That’s a long time leave whatever it is hanging.”
David just shrugged a bit.
Jonathan pulled a folder off the back seat and handed it to David. “Those few things have anything to do with this?”
David took the folder. He’d asked Jonathan to do some local research for him. He flipped open the folder and looked right into Isaiah’s smiling official photo. “Well I was out of town that weekend, missed the funeral.” David tried to sound casual. Jonathan was one of the better agents he ever worked with and had always been quick on the uptake.
“He was a good techie but I didn’t know you’d ever even talked to the guy. Frankly it took me a minute to remember who you were talking about.”
David desperately tried to school his features and hide the stab of pain in his chest but Jonathan was a grand master of reading faces. “Well,” David stumbled and quickly closed the folder not knowing what to say.
“Oh you are kidding me.” Jonathan said slowly. David hung his head. “No way. You and the techie?”
David closed his eyes. “His name was Isaiah,” he said softly.
“Holy shit.” Jonathan dragged out the words. “For how long? I mean how long did I not notice that?”
“Eight months.”
“You were only here eight months.”
“I know.”
“Wow.” Jonathan didn’t say anything else, just let the sound of the aircon fill the car. “Wow,” he finally said again. “I’m going to have to turn in my badge. I mean everyone knew the techie was a little light in the loafers but how the hell did I miss the two of you for eight months?” David just shrugged a little suddenly feeling like a green probie again. Jonathan gave him a little shove. “And why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
David looked up. “Oh come on.”
“Yeah, I get it. Still. It’s been what six years and now you’ve got a desire to find out where they planted him?”
David rubbed at his head feeling the post flight headache crashing down. “It’s complicated.”
“You’re not dying are you?” Jonathan asked suddenly. “This isn’t a bucket list thing?”
“No, as far as I’m aware I’m no more terminal than the next guy.”
“So..?”
“It’s just...”
“Complicated?”
“Yeah.”
Jonathan raised his hands. “Okay, I’ll stop being Mr. Nosey since I’m obviously crap at it anyway.” He finally put the car into reverse and pulled out of its space. “By the way you’re staying with me.”
David was hit with a memory of Jonathan’s terrifying bachelor apartment. “Um... You know you really don’t have to do that.”
Jonathan laughed. “Don’t worry, I have a house now with a proper guest room and everything. You can find out why I’m still here.”
The rest of the drive was quiet. David stared out the window trying to reorient himself. There was a lot of new construction that he didn’t recognize. In six years it was like parts of it were a whole new city. Jonathan drove out into an area where the homes looked new. He pulled into a driveway next to a tidy yard. “Home sweet home.”
Before they got to the front door it opened. A trim black haired woman stood in the doorway. She was perhaps more handsome than classically beautiful but Jonathan’s face lit up. “David, may I present Mrs. Brite my lovely wife Yafit. Yafit, my old partner David Sinclair.”
David tried not to let his jaw drop open. The Jonathan Brite he knew had been determined to die a bachelor. David shook hands. “A pleasure,” he said automatically then turned to Jonathan. “You got married!?”
Jonathan grinned, “I did better than that.” There was the sound of small running feet and a little black haired blur leapt into Jonathan’s arms. The blur was about four and wearing butterfly wings. “Maya, sweetie this is my old partner David. David this is the smartest thing I ever did, her name is Maya.”
David shook the tiny hand that was held out to him before the girl wiggled out of her Daddy’s arms and ran off. “So.” David was still processing the shock. “Not leaving Tel Aviv any time soon are you?”
Jonathan laughed. “Nope, the place has got me. Come on, I’ll show you to your room. Dinner should be ready soon.”
David unpacked in a small room done in tasteful blues. He couldn’t believe that Jonathan was completely settled down but it wasn’t like he had kept in contact. He knew when he locked away the memory of Isaiah he’d shut away the entire city along with him.
A small dark head peeked around the door to the guest room. “It’s dinner time.”
David smiled. “I’ll be there in a second.”
“You have to wash your hands first.”
What David really wanted was a shower after that flight but hand washing would have to do. “Well why don’t you show me where the bathroom is so I can do that?”
David’s hand was grabbed and he was dragged down the hall to a bathroom where he was carefully schooled in the proper way to wash his hands then dragged back down the hall to where dinner was waiting on the table and a Goldstar Lager was already open and waiting by his seat.
David took a sip. “Wow, that brings back memories.”
“Don’t have those out in LA, do they?”
“Nope, been living off Corona and Heineken.”
Jonathan raised his own beer. “Well, welcome back.”
Jonathan managed to keep the conversation off the reason for David’s trip though David could tell he wanted a better answer than ‘complicated’. He regaled Yafit, a business analyst, with some particularly embarrassing stories of some green boneheaded messes David had gotten himself into during their eight months as partners. David had managed to half forget some of the stupider stunts and made a note to himself to apologize to Colby for riding him quite as hard as he did their first year. Finally, over dessert, as Maya was explaining that she wanted to be a bug doctor, David let out a yawn.
“I’m sorry,” he said quickly.
“Don’t worry about it. What time is it in LA?”
David checked his watch. “About ten thirty in the morning.”
“Did you sleep on the flight?”
“Not really. Do you mind if I grab an early night?”
“Not at all,” Yafit answered. “It’s time for someone else to get ready for bed too.”
Maya crossed her arms and shook her head. “Not tired.”
Jonathan stood and lifted the little girl right from her chair. “I think you are. I think it’s time for all good little bugs to crawl into their cocoons and go to sleep.” Jonathan headed off carrying his daughter down the hall, her butterfly wings fluttering behind her.
David helped Yafit gather the desert dishes. “Last time I saw Jonathan he was living in a two room bachelor pad you couldn’t find the floor of and most nights he slept on this terrible yellow sofa he had.”
Yafit laughed. “I made him burn that sofa as proof of his love for me.”
“Thank god. That thing was a biohazard. Every time I sat on it I was worried that I was going to catch something.”
“He took me back to his place on our third date. My thought was ‘I am falling in love with this man but that couch must go.’”
“You or it.”
“And I won.”
“Lucky for Jonathan you did.”
~
David pushed through the crowd. The press of bodies was stifling hot. They were all moving somewhere but David couldn’t tell where. There was just heat and a flat yellow light. He tried to call out but his throat was locked, no sound could escape. He kept pushing against a sea of people. He knew he had to find someone, he knew he had to do it quick. He could feel his heart pound like he was in a race. From somewhere a whiff of sweet putrid rot hit his nose. His stomach clenched and he pressed on harder but the crowd started pressing back. He fell. A crush of humans moved over him. He tried to scream and stand. Just out of arms reach he could see another body topped with short black curls being trampled into bloody nothing. David tried to scream.
David’s eyes snapped opened. He’d gotten used to waking up in a sweat his heart racing. He wasn’t used to someone shaking his foot. He fumbled for the bedside light and flipped it on.
Maya stood at the foot of the bed in a long nightshirt covered in butterflies and was clutching was looked like a fat, green, stuffed caterpillar. She was also shaking David’s foot. “You had a bad dream,” she stated plainly.
David rubbed at his eyes feeling keenly embarrassed. He’d made hotel reservations mainly so he wouldn’t risk subjecting Jonathan to this. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”
Maya shook her head. “Mommy has bad dreams sometimes to. Daddy shakes her foot ‘cause she can hit hard.”
“Well you can stop shaking my foot now, I’m awake. And I don’t hit very hard.”
Maya let go of David’s foot with a nod and wandered off. A couple minutes later he heard the toilet flush and the soft shuffle of small feet. He flicked off the light and tried to get back to sleep.
David found himself waking up three more times. Twice more in the dark then the third time light was coming between the curtains and his foot was being shaken again.
“You have a lot of bad dreams,” Maya said.
“Yeah, I do.”
Maya pinched her lips and give him an intense dark stare that made him feel like a particularly confusing bug. “Breakfast,” she said then left again.
David managed to make small talk through breakfast and get himself together. He knew what his plan for the day was. He needed to do the thing he should have done six years ago. It was the thing he should have done that Monday when he begged off sick.
Yafit dropped him off near Isaiah’s old apartment. David let his feet take him down what was once a familiar path. Three blocks down, one block up and over. David let his feet take him across the intersection where he knew Isaiah had taken his final breaths. He kept going one more block then stopped.
To his surprise a small cafe was still sitting on the corner. He had been more than half sure it would have been closed or changed ownership but the same mismatched wooden chairs were still sitting on the sidewalk and the walls were still painted to resemble a tropical rain forest.
David inspected the pastries sitting under glass. “The banana chocolate chip muffin, please. To go,” he told the girl behind the counter. There was one left. She put it into a small paper bag and David paid.
From there he went to a corner and flagged down a cab.
The cemetery was one of the larger ones and the man there spoke English. He led David to the appropriate grave then left.
David stared at the grave and the grey lump of stone at its head. He couldn’t read most of what was written on it but Isaiah’s name was also written in English. David took a deep breath, then another. It was hard, his chest tightening and his throat felt like it just might close up. This was it. The thing he’d come half way around the planet for. The thing he had to do to hopefully get his life back. He swallowed hard.
“Well, you got me here,” he choked up. “All the way back to god damn Tel Aviv. And... I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t come here sooner. I’m sorry I wasn’t there on the day. I’m sorry I didn’t feel safe enough to at least tell my own partner about us so maybe I would have found out sooner than that damn Monday morning. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you properly that day. I’m sorry the sex wasn’t better the night before I left. I mean it was okay but it wasn’t our best. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your family and demand your comic collection. I’m sorry I don’t know what happened to it. I’m sorry I wasn’t standing by your side in that moment. And more than anything I’m sorry I never told you I love you.” David heard his voice crack.
He scrubbed at his eyes and looked around making sure the cemetery was completely empty. “There, I said it. I loved you Isaiah. You were insane and a pain in my ass most days but god I loved you and I’m sorry I was such a fucking coward about it. I don’t know what’s over there but you have every right to be angry at me for that. Here’s me, big bad FBI agent, facing down armed gunman but I couldn’t tell you that for eight months you made me happy and I fell for you so damn fast and hard. I should have told you. I should have told you every damn day. You shouldn’t have died and we should have gone to LA together and gotten married on vacation in Canada. My mother would have loved you. My sisters too. You could have gone to temple with my boss and hung out with the CalSci gang and...”
David took some deep breaths, he could feel his pulse racing. “I’ve got a friend now, Larry. And he told me one night about the big parallel universe theory and how there are an infinite number of them, one for every decision ever made. So as much as this hurts standing here I’m telling myself there are a million other universes where you walked a little faster that day or a little slower or stopped to talk to someone or just laid in bed an extra minute and in all those universes that car missed you and in those universes where you are alive there’s got to be at least a few where we’re together and happy and I hope that David and that Isaiah fucking appreciate what they have.”
David let silence descend in the cemetery once again. Somewhere a bird chirped not knowing or caring about the affairs of men. David ran his hand over his head a few times.
“I don’t know if you’re watching my life. You’re certainly haunting it these days. I can’t close my eyes without you being there anymore. I’ve met someone, his name’s Charlie. Well really I met him six years ago, just after I got to LA, just after you were killed. He had some issues though and I was grieving so hard for you and I couldn’t tell a soul. Anyway a few months ago, well, we’re together now, or at least we’re trying to be. He’s a really good guy. He’s makes me happy. I don’t know if we’ve got a real future but I really want to enjoy what we’ve got going now. It’s hard. I’m trying not to make the same mistakes with him that I made with you, but it feels like I left some big chunk of myself here some days and I need it back. Not all of it but what’s happening now, what’s happening to me... I just want to be able to sleep through the night and make love to Charlie but I miss you. And I am sorry. For everything I am sorry.” David took the muffin out from the little bag and placed it at the base of the headstone. “It’s from your favorite place. It’s still there. Got it just for you. I love you. I always will. Goodbye.”
~
David sat on a low stone bench by the cemetery’s entrance. He watched people come and go. After an hour an entire funeral came through. He watched as women dressed in black sobbed while trailing confused children who looked uncomfortable in their mourning clothes.
The funeral was a long one and it was well over another hour before David saw the same people start to trickle back out. Some were crying more, others less.
It was sometime after the last of those mourners went on their way that David made a phone call.
It took about half an hour before Jonathan pulled up and David got in. “Are you sure this is okay?” David asked.
“I’m sort of the boss these days. I can give myself a bit of time here and there.”
“Okay.”
Jonathan found a place that was dark, open and already serving alcohol. They got a booth in the corner and David started drinking. It took three drinks for David to get past ‘complicated’ and start laying out the story of the whole sorry mess.
Six or seven drinks in his vision started going blurry but he wasn’t sure if that was from the alcohol or if he was crying. Somewhere after the ninth or tenth drink David found himself in an alley with Jonathan’s arm around his shoulders as he became violently ill. He’s pretty sure he didn’t pass out but things were a little fuzzy after that.
David woke up to his head pounding and the room spinning. Jonathan sat on the edge of the bed and held a glass of blessedly cold water to his lips. David took a few sips trying to wash out the taste of dead things. “What happened?” David mumbled, his lips feeling thick.
“You got blind stinking drunk, rambled, cried, puked in an alley then I took you home and you passed out.”
David winced as fragments of memories floated back. “What time is it?”
“After eleven. There’s some leftover dinner in the fridge if you want some.”
David’s stomach lurched at the thought of food. He shook his head which didn’t feel fully attached.
“I thought so.”
“I’m sorry, Jonathan,” David mumbled.
“Don’t be, you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do when you lose someone, you’re just a little late.”
David tried to shake his head again. “Shouldn’t have dumped this all on you.”
“Hey, that’s what partners are for, even old partners. Here.” Jonathan handed him a couple of white pills. “Take these, use the can, then try to get back to sleep. I know this sounds asinine but you’ll feel better in the morning.”
~
David opened his eyes to find himself being stared at. His foot wasn’t being shaken so he figured he wasn’t having nightmare, that realization alone was a shock to his system which was already feeling a little fragile. “Hello?” he said wincing at the rawness of his throat.
Maya tilted her head. She had ladybugs all over her pajamas. “Are you sick?” she asked suddenly.
“Why?”
“Daddy only makes biscuits for breakfast when I’m sick but I’m not sick and Mommy’s not sick and Daddy’s not sick so you must be sick.”
David slowly sat up. The absolute worst of the hangover had happened overnight but he was still feeling raw in every sense. “I’ve felt better.”
The little girl nodded seriously then patted his leg and left.
David stumbled to the bathroom and managed to get himself cleaned up and at least looking halfway human before a tray of biscuits came out of the oven.
Jonathan put a plate in front of him that had large fluffy biscuits and poached eggs. “Now this’ll cure what ails you. Mama Brite’s biscuits and eggs. You’d be able to swim back to New York with that in you.”
“I think I’ll fly.” David found the biscuits were quite good and after a couple of cups of coffee the raw edges started feeling a little better. David let himself get roped into a bit of baby sitting which seemed to consist of a couple of hours of sitting in the backyard watching Maya catch various kinds of bugs, a couple hours of Fraggle Rock on DVD, then making sandwiches.
He didn’t know if it was planned but after a few hours of looking at the world through the eyes of a clever four year old what had felt like a gaping wound in his chest for weeks now felt like it just might be starting to heal.
~
David had planned for a week in Tel Aviv. He spent the next few days going around to places he and Isaiah had liked together, shops, parks, little cafes. In each one he forced himself to close his eyes, take a breath and remember the good moments he had. Nights were still a little rough but the dreams were not as harsh or graphic and they would slip more quickly from his mind. That didn’t mean he didn’t wake up to his foot being shaken a few times but Maya would just look at him then wander off.
There was one more thing however that he was putting off and each day he told himself it would be that day.
It was David’s last full day in town and already getting late. He knew it was now or never. He double checked the address scribbled on a slip of paper, straightened his tie, clutched Isaiah’s copy of Catch-22 and knocked on the door in front of him. A man in his early 40’s with dark angular features opened the door. “Yes?”
“Hello, my name is David Sinclair, I’m looking for Liat Yadin?”
The man squinted a little. “May I tell her why?”
“I was a friend of her son, Isaiah. I have something of his that I never had a chance to return.”
The man looked him over for a moment then opened the door to let David in. David was led silently down a dark hall to an airy sitting room. There were three men there, all around forty by the looks of them and a small proud looking woman who was at least over sixty. David tried to remember the picture that always sat on Isaiah’s desk as he was sure this had to be at least four of his five brothers. In each of their faces he could pick out something of Isaiah’s face, eyes or cheeks or noses.
The brother who had let him in whispered to their mother. She stood and offered David her hand. “You are a friend of my son’s?”
“Yes, a long time ago, we worked together. My name is David Sinclair.”
She had a good strong grip to her hand then motioned him to sit on the tastefully upholstered sofa. David perched on the edge to nervous to make himself comfortable. Each of Isaiah’s brothers was giving him some flavor of the eye.
“My son passed away some time ago,” Liat stated plainly.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I was sent on assignment out into the countryside the day before his accident. I didn’t find out what happened until I returned on Monday. I was reassigned back to the states the same day.”
Liat just nodded.
David swallowed hard trying to keep every emotion in check. He put down the copy of Catch-22 and pushed it across the coffee table. He noticed one of the brothers shift a little. “Isaiah loaned this to me. He wanted me to learn to read it. Said it was his favorite. I didn’t get a chance to give it back and it ended up getting packed when I moved. I didn’t want to just drop it in the mail but it’s taken me a few years to get back here.”
Liat picked up the book with her age speckled hands. “He loaned this to you?”
“Yes.”
“And you were a friend?”
“Yes.” David’s heart was thumping so loud and hard in his chest he was sure they could hear it. “We... we both collected comic books.” One of the brothers made a small dismissive noise. “He was a good guy, a lot of fun to be around, smart, always on the ball at work. He... He’s still missed.”
Liat nodded. “Thank you,” she said. The room went silent. David waited a moment but that was apparently it. He stood, gave a bit of a nod, and showed himself out.
He was barely a block away when he became aware of the sound of feet hurrying behind him. He turned to find the youngest looking of the brothers approaching and holding the book. David stopped, the name Ethan popping into his head. The one brother Isaiah had ever really spoken about.
Ethan stopped a few feet away. “Mr. Sinclair.”
“Yes?”
“I know who you are.” Ethan’s voice was serious but David didn’t think he was a threat.
“I’m a friend of Isaiah’s. I...”
“No. My mother, my brothers they are good at never seeing things that will disturb them. I knew my brother. I know who you are.” David swallowed hard and silently apologized to Isaiah for where he thought this conversation was going. “I loved my brother,” Ethan continued “but he was... flaming, on his best days.” David lowered his head. He didn’t know what to say. It was the truth but he would not be the one to confirm it. “He tried his best to keep quiet, appear normal, for the sake of our mother but I knew him and when he spoke of you I knew who you were, who you must be to him.”
David’s head shot up. “He talked about me?”
“In passing. A new agent at work. David from New York. David from the Bronx. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“That was more discussion than other agents got. When my brother was killed I was afraid you would come, tell people who you were, cause a scene. And when you did not come I was angry at you that you had not come to pay your respects to the man you were with.”
“I didn’t know. I was out in the country side. No one told me until Monday.”
“Yes. You said.” Ethan took a deep breath. “I knew my brother. He was unwell at times. As a child he was often angry and morose, took to having fits and tantrums. Our father would say that he was too smart for his soul. That never quite made sense but we knew what he meant. In the months before he died Isaiah was happier than I could ever recall him, more at peace, for what that may be worth to you.”
David blinked trying to fight back tears and work his way around the lump in his chest. “Thank you.”
Ethan held out the copy of Catch-22 “My family would not appreciate it.” David carefully took the thick battered paperback into his hands. “And I have my own copy.”
“I still don’t know how to read it.”
Ethan gave a half shrug. “Then learn.” And with no other comment he turned and walked away leaving David on the sidewalk blinking into the falling sun.
Previous Next