I'm feeling very lonely right now.  I've always hated Sunday's and tody is no exception.  I guess I was an extreme bitch to Bob today.  I don't know why he got under my skin today.  I'm sitting here thinking about what a fucking dumb bitch I am.  The things were minor and I'm screaming "fuck you" over and over ( Read more... )

So I've been on a mental marathon these days.  Thinking about binging and purging and dying.  A few nights ago I tried as hard as I could to purge, but nothing but blood came up.  I was so angry with my body for no cooperating I decided to punish myself by hitting myself as hard as I could.  I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a car and I ( Read more... )

I'm really missing my brother right now.  Who would have ever thought that we would be so close?  I really love Sheila and very happy that she married my brother.  I'm feeling guilty again about giving her a hard time in the beginning.  Even though I bared my soul to her and appologized over and over, I still feel bad.   Everytime I talk to him, he ( Read more... )

Not just mentally this time, but physically.  Don't know if it's the fibromyalgia or because I was so rough and determined to get the food out last night, which didn't come out.  I went to bed just hating myself and wishing I was dead ( Read more... )

I'm disgusted with myself!  Tonight I ate and ate and ate and then tried to throw up, but nothing but blood again.  I mean where the fuck did that turkey sandwich go?  Why is it that my gag reflux won't work?  Either way, I feel like a piece of shit.  I tried to retch as quietly as I could, so Bob would not hear me.  I suppose it is a good thing he ( Read more... )

Early this morning, since I couldn't sleep, I sat here with nothing to do but think.  I suddenly got the urge to take 5 or 6 of my vicodin pills and numb everything.  I wanted to cut my legs and beat the shit out of myself, but I resisted.  Probably because it is so hard to hide from Bob.  My bruises still haven't healed from the last time.  If he ( Read more... )

Why can't I be anorexic?  These girls are so good at having the will power to keep calories very low.  I mean, I've tried drinking water all day, but I'm starving!  Fuck!

I'm extremely depressed and know I'm going to need some help in getting back on track.  I can't stop obsessing about my weight and the bad thoughts are back again.  I want to be anorexic, but just can't go without food.  I'm reading stick figure again and it is suppose to discourage me from an eating disorder, but it helps me stay focused.  I'm ( Read more... )

It's been far too long since I've written, but I don't have time, or should I say I don't want to be bothered with an update ( Read more... )

My weight has really been getting me down.  After overeating again last night, I felt very bloated and shitty.  I decided to go puke everything up, but as usual the food had already left my stomach.  I kept trying and retching and up came blood and lots of it.  For the first time, the blood really scared me.  I have had this happen several times ( Read more... )