Application for Dwight Schrute
(Dwight Schrute; The Office (US Version))
((Minor spoilers up through the first part of S3. Any links in the application or comments will be spoilerific as well. You have been warned.))
((Approved by Michael- and Jim-muns))
A man strode into the Sorting Room, dressed in khakis and a green dress shirt, tie carefully straight, a look of extreme seriousness on his face. A large duffel bag was dropped unceremoniously on the floor at his feet and, hands on his hips, he looked around the room.
"Fact," he muttered to himself, "castles are more drafty than homes. Harder to heat. Therefore, the heating bills must be astronomical. Therefore they must charge an arm and a leg to get in." He chuckled a little, a devious smile on his face. "Well, it's too bad that I'm here on official business. Won't get a dime out of me. Suckers."
Then he spotted the application. Pulling a pen out of his pocket, clicking it a few times to warm up, he then briefly glanced over the parchment before shaking his head vigorously and putting the pen away. "Yeah, right," he snorted. "Question: If I write down my answers, will you be able to use them against me at a later date?" The man gives a long, cocky stare at the camera straight ahead. "Answer: Yes. Solution: I will state my answers verbally, in order to deny you a paper trail."
That decided, the man states his name loudly for the record, then goes on to answer the questions.
"Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Northeast. Volunteer Security Officer, Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Northeast. Former Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy. Currently on...leave. For personal reasons. That I can't get into."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"On the farm, we make our own cheese. And we eat it with beets, which is what we grow. Because beets are the wonder vegetable - they go with everything. In soups and with meats and in sandwiches... If you slice them up and drizzle a little olive oil on them you can have a beet salad. On which you can put cheese. So, I suppose my answer is: Whatever cheese you can put in a beet salad."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Both of them. I am a purple belt in karate, a senpai, and have my own spud gun. I am also well versed in most of the deadly arts. Also, I am a great student of film, having watched over 240. So, really, the question would be, who would first fall to my attacks?"
He paused, staring at the camera.
"I think it would be Barney. Because dinosaurs have already become extinct once."
3. What time is it where you are?
"It is..." Dwight shakes back his sleeve to reveal a Casio calculator watch. "Exactly 7:25 pm, Greenwich Mean Time."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Dwight looked appalled. "No, no, no, no, Michael went over this. We had a lecture and everything. It was an extremely long day." He paused and then smiled a slow, devious grin. "That's what she said."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Dwight paused for a long moment, lost in thought. His toe scuffed absently along the floor and he frowned. Then, face clearing, he looked up and grinned. "The Scottsman." Another pause, and then, "And I'd install better lighting. For security."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Most mythologies have some sort of hero figure, someone who kills all of those who oppose him. And marriage is usually a test of some kind. It is also a good way to procreate, to make more workers for the farm. And Schrutes produce thirsty babies. So I would pick whichever one would best bear children and feed them well. Also, I'm partial to blondes. Or Indians. But mostly blondes."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Does Jim Halpert work here? In which case, it's probably him, shoving all of his paperwork onto your desk. Or he's devised some way of regenerating your work and you're simply re-doing everything over and over again. Or Andy Bernard has transferred to your branch and is attempting to systematically break you down in an effort to take over your position as second in command to the World's Greatest Boss, Michael Scott job." Dwight glares, looking around the room. "He's evil."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Scoffing, Dwight rolled his eyes. "Please. I was awarded the Salesman of the Year Award last year. I am a master of karate and the martial arts. I have been trained as a survivalist and am adept at surveillance. I am also registered as a deadly weapon." Dwight reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, removing a gimmicky card which read 'DWIGHT SCHRUTE: DEADLY WEAPON. OF LOVE.' "Fact: I have been contacted by a government agency which I am not at liberty to disclose in an effort to procure my services. Fact: The government does not employ useless people. Therefore, I am not useless."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Sighing, Dwight hesitated before turning to his duffel bag, unzipping it and rifling through for a moment. He reemerged with a box of office supplies which he reluctantly set down on a table. "I have these," he said, obviously not thrilled to part with them. "But I'll need receipts if you take them. Or I could give you paintball lessons - with someone of my experience, those are easily worth at least two grand. I also have some jerky from a deer I killed...with my car. But I dressed it myself before work. Because Toby won't let me do it in the office anymore. If you want beets, I could always give you those. Fresh from the Schrute beet farm!"
EDIT:(Of course, no sooner had Dwight turned around to make sure his duffel bag was secure than his box of office supplies 'mysteriously disappeared'. Upon discovering this, Dwight stood for a moment, staring, face blank with some wordless rage. Then he stomped back over to the application.)
"FALSE. I do not have office supplies. They are not a viable bribe item. And I do not have any receipts for them, which means that they were not authorized. Question: Do I suspect Jim Halpert is behind this? Answer: ...Yes, yes I do. But do I have any proof? No. Because Jim is too wily for that. Question: Will I make him pay?" Dwight paused, a truly disturbing smile on his face as he stared down the camera the space in front of him. No need to answer that.
---
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __DS__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____DS (I can also volunteer to root out, expose, and punish any future rulebreakers.)_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___DS (My boxers are never bunched. I iron them.)________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____DS (Unless I get there first. Or Michael.)_________"
((Minor spoilers up through the first part of S3. Any links in the application or comments will be spoilerific as well. You have been warned.))
((Approved by Michael- and Jim-muns))
A man strode into the Sorting Room, dressed in khakis and a green dress shirt, tie carefully straight, a look of extreme seriousness on his face. A large duffel bag was dropped unceremoniously on the floor at his feet and, hands on his hips, he looked around the room.
"Fact," he muttered to himself, "castles are more drafty than homes. Harder to heat. Therefore, the heating bills must be astronomical. Therefore they must charge an arm and a leg to get in." He chuckled a little, a devious smile on his face. "Well, it's too bad that I'm here on official business. Won't get a dime out of me. Suckers."
Then he spotted the application. Pulling a pen out of his pocket, clicking it a few times to warm up, he then briefly glanced over the parchment before shaking his head vigorously and putting the pen away. "Yeah, right," he snorted. "Question: If I write down my answers, will you be able to use them against me at a later date?" The man gives a long, cocky stare at the camera straight ahead. "Answer: Yes. Solution: I will state my answers verbally, in order to deny you a paper trail."
That decided, the man states his name loudly for the record, then goes on to answer the questions.
"Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Northeast. Volunteer Security Officer, Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton Northeast. Former Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy. Currently on...leave. For personal reasons. That I can't get into."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"On the farm, we make our own cheese. And we eat it with beets, which is what we grow. Because beets are the wonder vegetable - they go with everything. In soups and with meats and in sandwiches... If you slice them up and drizzle a little olive oil on them you can have a beet salad. On which you can put cheese. So, I suppose my answer is: Whatever cheese you can put in a beet salad."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Both of them. I am a purple belt in karate, a senpai, and have my own spud gun. I am also well versed in most of the deadly arts. Also, I am a great student of film, having watched over 240. So, really, the question would be, who would first fall to my attacks?"
He paused, staring at the camera.
"I think it would be Barney. Because dinosaurs have already become extinct once."
3. What time is it where you are?
"It is..." Dwight shakes back his sleeve to reveal a Casio calculator watch. "Exactly 7:25 pm, Greenwich Mean Time."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Dwight looked appalled. "No, no, no, no, Michael went over this. We had a lecture and everything. It was an extremely long day." He paused and then smiled a slow, devious grin. "That's what she said."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Dwight paused for a long moment, lost in thought. His toe scuffed absently along the floor and he frowned. Then, face clearing, he looked up and grinned. "The Scottsman." Another pause, and then, "And I'd install better lighting. For security."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Most mythologies have some sort of hero figure, someone who kills all of those who oppose him. And marriage is usually a test of some kind. It is also a good way to procreate, to make more workers for the farm. And Schrutes produce thirsty babies. So I would pick whichever one would best bear children and feed them well. Also, I'm partial to blondes. Or Indians. But mostly blondes."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Does Jim Halpert work here? In which case, it's probably him, shoving all of his paperwork onto your desk. Or he's devised some way of regenerating your work and you're simply re-doing everything over and over again. Or Andy Bernard has transferred to your branch and is attempting to systematically break you down in an effort to take over your position as second in command to the World's Greatest Boss, Michael Scott job." Dwight glares, looking around the room. "He's evil."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Scoffing, Dwight rolled his eyes. "Please. I was awarded the Salesman of the Year Award last year. I am a master of karate and the martial arts. I have been trained as a survivalist and am adept at surveillance. I am also registered as a deadly weapon." Dwight reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, removing a gimmicky card which read 'DWIGHT SCHRUTE: DEADLY WEAPON. OF LOVE.' "Fact: I have been contacted by a government agency which I am not at liberty to disclose in an effort to procure my services. Fact: The government does not employ useless people. Therefore, I am not useless."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Sighing, Dwight hesitated before turning to his duffel bag, unzipping it and rifling through for a moment. He reemerged with a box of office supplies which he reluctantly set down on a table. "I have these," he said, obviously not thrilled to part with them. "But I'll need receipts if you take them. Or I could give you paintball lessons - with someone of my experience, those are easily worth at least two grand. I also have some jerky from a deer I killed...with my car. But I dressed it myself before work. Because Toby won't let me do it in the office anymore. If you want beets, I could always give you those. Fresh from the Schrute beet farm!"
EDIT:(Of course, no sooner had Dwight turned around to make sure his duffel bag was secure than his box of office supplies 'mysteriously disappeared'. Upon discovering this, Dwight stood for a moment, staring, face blank with some wordless rage. Then he stomped back over to the application.)
"FALSE. I do not have office supplies. They are not a viable bribe item. And I do not have any receipts for them, which means that they were not authorized. Question: Do I suspect Jim Halpert is behind this? Answer: ...Yes, yes I do. But do I have any proof? No. Because Jim is too wily for that. Question: Will I make him pay?" Dwight paused, a truly disturbing smile on his face as he stared down the camera the space in front of him. No need to answer that.
---
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __DS__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____DS (I can also volunteer to root out, expose, and punish any future rulebreakers.)_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___DS (My boxers are never bunched. I iron them.)________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____DS (Unless I get there first. Or Michael.)_________"