Fic: All That I Am (16/17)
Title: All That I Am (16/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10} { Chapter 11} { Chapter 12} { Chapter 13} { Chapter 14} { Chapter 15}
Chapter Sixteen
Before either one of them realized it, it was time for Luke to be released from the hospital. The couple still hadn’t talked about where Luke would go. He’d given up his hotel room, but he could just as easily get it back.
One last check-up, an appointment card, and a hand cramp from signing all of the paperwork, and Luke was being told he could leave. The blonde didn’t know where he was supposed to go either.
“Are you ready to go home?” Reid asked as he walked into Luke’s hospital room.
“Reid, you don’t have to-”
“Take care of you?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “I think it was in the vows,” he noted dryly.
“Reid-”
“I love you, Luke. I wasn’t the one who walked away. Besides, you’re still recovering from surgery.”
He let out a breath and suddenly found the floor fascinating. “I know. My mom offered to take me in,” he said, his voice soft and unsure.
Reid walked further into the room and sat down on the bed next to Luke. Their thighs brushed against one another. “What?”
Luke kept his gaze facing forward, but his fingers itched to reach for Reid. “Mom offered…” his voice was still small. “She thought with your work and everything we’ve been-”
“I took a leave of absence,” he cut Luke off.
The blonde turned surprised eyes on his husband. “What?”
“You need me,” he replied as though that explained everything and in a way it did. “Since you first came to me and said you needed another kidney, I’ve cut down on my hours. I’ll still need to take care of Jason’s case, but he’s recovering well. Besides…” He leaned over, taking Luke’s hand in his and sandwiching it between both of his own. “Doctor trumps mommy.”
A small smile tugged at his lips. “Reid, you could get called away, I don’t-”
“Luke, I can’t sleep without you next to me, and I know you can’t either. You need to build up your strength; you need all the help you can get. That’s why you are coming home with me. I’m done with this, Luke.”
The younger man sucked in a breath, not sure what exactly Reid was done with. “Reid, are you…?”
The redhead’s grip tightened almost imperceptively. “Besides, I will not spend time in the room where you and Mayer fumbled your way to second base.”
Luke shook his head. “We still haven’t figured it all out though, Reid. If I move home with you now, it’s as if we’re putting a band-aid on us; we’re covering up the fact that we’re not talking about kids. What happens when we starting bleeding again?” He felt the tears forming in his eyes and the lump that had started to dissolve itself, while Reid was with him in the hospital room, came back in full force and almost choked him. “I can’t walk away from you again. I knew…” He swallowed, pushing that lump down. “When you kissed me in Dallas, I knew I couldn’t ever walk away from you.”
“Our wedding day?” Reid noted. “You kept insisting what we had was a business arrangement.”
“It was never just business between us.”
“Then why are you talking about walking away?” The doctor’s eyes were completely focused on Luke.
The younger man couldn’t look back, not that he wanted to anyway. It was finally time to face the reality of their life. Luke would either have to give up the idea of having children with Reid or end their marriage.
“When did you give up your annoying optimism?” Reid questioned. “We’ve reached a stumbling block, but I’m not ready to give up on us. Are you?”
With his free hand, Luke gently placed his hand on Reid’s shoulder. “When I talked to Katie the other day, I realized…it’s not about almost everything any more. When you told me that I was almost everything you need, I didn’t know…”
“Shh, shh.” Reid pressed a kiss to Luke’s mouth. “What I know is that before I met you, I didn’t think I was anything but a surgeon. And you came barreling into my life.” He kissed Luke again, trying to assure the younger man and himself. More than that, he needed strength. “I didn’t think I could be anything but a doctor, not a friend, or a spouse, a brother-in-law, or even a father. You completely changed my life, and I can’t go back now. You gave me everything and now you want to take it away.”
“I don’t.” Luke shook his head. “I don’t. You can be an amazing dad, Reid. I know it. And all that I have asked is that you think about it, you don’t say absolutely no and refuse to even consider…”
“I had awful parents, Luke. I don’t talk to them; it’s almost as if they are dead to me. They wanted a trained seal. They sent me to live with my Uncle Angus to become some sort of chess god and all that I learned was I wouldn’t ever want to put a child through that.”
“And you won’t,” the younger man insisted.
“Luke…” Reid shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, hating that words were failing him.
“We all make mistakes, Reid, and we’ll learn from our parents. You know I didn’t have ideal role models myself.”
“At least you have a spare,” he noted dryly.
“Reid.” A smile tugged at his lips. “I’m not expecting you to be this perfect father. We will make mistakes.”
The redhead’s eyes widened slightly. “Excuse me? I happen to be-”
“You’re not perfect, deal with it. You’re a brilliant ma and amazing husband, and I think you’ll be a great dad. We’ll figure it out together, right?”
“Chris said you balance me.”
“Do you agree with him?” Luke finally felt like they were having the discussion he always wanted with Reid, instead of anger and walking out. If he had to, Luke realized he could give up having children, but he wasn’t quite ready yet. And maybe Reid wasn’t quite ready to close the door on not having children either.
“You terrify me, Luke.” He grimaced slightly. “I mean with the panic attacks that’s pretty obvious, right? But… When we got married, I tried not to fall in love with you. Everything in your life was about Noah. Even I was Noah’s doctor and I couldn’t be your husband.”
“That’s not true any more,” Luke insisted. “You trusted me enough to let me in, to take care of you when you panic. Trust me enough to know that you can be a dad, that us having a family isn’t something to be afraid of.”
“I do trust you, but my fear of losing you hasn’t subsided.” He glanced around the room. “Look where we are, Luke. You had transplant surgery less than a week ago. And…” He took a deep breath, but his heart started to pound, erratic beats in his chest matching the pounding in his head.
Disentangling their hands, Luke reached up and held the redhead’s face in his hands. He started to gently massage Reid’s scalp. “Look at me,” he instructed. The doctor’s eyes started to glaze a little. Panic seeping through his whole body. “What else scares you?” Luke whispered.
“I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t want to screw up a child’s life. And I’m so afraid of holding her too tight or pushing her too far. What if she gets sick like Annie? I can’t live my life like this. I can’t live in a constant state of panic, and I can’t live without you, Luke.”
Continuing with the massage, Luke looked into Reid’s eyes. The panic was starting to subside, the doctor’s gaze was focused on Luke, but the redhead was still sweating. “And because you know all of this about yourself, it’s why I think you’ll be such an amazing dad. I couldn’t ask for a better husband, I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone but you. The way you treat me, it’s how you’ll be with our daughter. But…” His tongue darted out and wet his lips.
“What?” Reid whispered, his voice broken.
Luke knew it was time to stop this. “You are everything. It’s not almost anymore. You’re right. You are everything. All that I am is in love with you. And if you don’t think the possibility will ever be there, then I’ll give up that dream. If it hurts you this much, then we won’t have her. Reid, I-I can’t live without you.”
“No,” Reid’s voice was firm. “No.”
Luke’s hands fell away, and he shook his head. He couldn’t have possibly heard Reid correctly. “What?”
“I want forever with you.”
“Do you, Reid Oliver, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect him, forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?”
The older man felt Luke’s grip tighten a little, and he knew it wasn’t just reassurance for Reid; it was reassurance for Luke as well. The blonde wanted to know that Reid was really there, that Reid was really going to marry him. He couldn’t believe after all this time, after all of Reid’s concerns about Luke, that in this moment, Luke could possibly have any doubts. He silently vowed immediately to make sure Luke never had any doubts about Reid or what they could be.
“I do,” Reid vowed. “I want forever.”
Luke smiled. It was exactly what he needed to hear, and he was so grateful that he’d found the man who could give that to him.
“Reid…” He started to get up, pull away from his husband. “You can’t.”
“I promised you forever. And the only way we can have forever is if we have children. I won’t make you give that up for me. And…” His tongue darted out to wet his dry lips. “I can’t stop thinking about her either.”
Luke moved again, this time he started to close the distance between. “Who?”
“That little girl we’re going to have.”
A smile split open Luke’s face, and he couldn’t stop beaming at his husband. “Reid…”
The older man held up his hand. “We still have a lot of things to discuss and figure out. But I don’t want to lose you, not over this, not when I have a chance of preventing it.”
“I love you,” the younger man insisted. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“There is one more thing, though,” Reid noted, and his hand dug itself into the pocket of his pants.
“What?”
Reid held a platinum band between his thumb and forefinger. “They had to take this off of you for the surgery. I was glad to know that you hadn’t taken it off before then.”
“Reid…” Luke shook his head and closed the distance between them. “I never would have taken it off willingly.”
The redhead took Luke’s left hand. “I’m not…”
“Every time you put that ring on my finger, I was in love with you. The first time, I didn’t realize it. The second time, I was so shocked that you loved me back and that I had finally found you. It was everything, I just didn't realize it. And now…”
“Just promise me you’re never going to take it off again,” Reid noted.
“I promise,” Luke vowed. “Now, can we finally go home?”
The redhead held Luke’s face in his hands, holding the younger man’s gaze. “I love you back.”
Luke offered a blinding smile in return, his gaze locking on Reid’s mouth for a moment before closing the distance between them.
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Thank you for being so loyal and coming back with each chapter. So Reid and Luke decided to have children after all. Hope you’re not disappointed. The final part is up on Wednesday. ~Ali