Fic: All That I Am (11/17)
Title: All That I Am (11/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10}
Chapter Eleven
Luke and Reid sat on the couch, holding each other. Despite the hellish reason they were brought together, neither man was ready to let go.
Finally, Reid pulled away but he kept his hand on Luke’s cheek. “Are you hungry?” the redhead asked.
Luke chuckled softly. “Is this your way of telling me that you’re hungry?”
Reid smiled in return. “When am I not in the mood for food? I could order in. Or I could head to Al’s. I know how much you love those turkey club sandwiches. Extra mayo?” he offered.
The blonde pulled away and stood up. “Reid…”
He stood up as well. “Luke, you have to eat. I haven’t seen you in weeks. We shouldn’t be alone, not when we…” He let out a sigh. “We need to make plans. How soon does O’Connor want you on dialysis?”
Luke shoved his hands into the pocket of his pants and glanced down at the coffee table. “Tomorrow.”
The doctor’s mouth fell open for a moment. He’d thought the last few weeks of living without Luke were torturous, and they were, but now Reid had to face the real possibility that his husband was sick. He couldn’t live with that. He needed to do something. Reid took a breath, trying to push away the ensuing panic that would inevitably come. “He’s contacted UNOS?”
“Yes,” Luke whispered. “No one else knows.”
Reid closed the distance between them. “What?”
Luke finally looked back at his husband. “I haven’t been able to tell my parents. I just… Telling you was difficult enough, I didn’t want to.”
“They have to know. I know they were tested before, but your siblings. Me. I’ll get tested first thing tomorrow.”
“Reid, no.” Luke shook his head. “You have patients. You’re working on being Chief of Staff. You can’t take time away-”
The redhead grabbed Luke’s hands in his. “Are you insane?” he demanded. “Do you think I give a damn about any of that when you’re sick?”
Tears pinpricked the blonde’s eyes, and he smiled sadly. “I… I didn’t… After everything, I didn’t think you…” He let out a few breaths. It was as though he’d numbed himself to the pain of living without Reid. Now, being with his husband, Luke felt everything and it was too much.
“I love you back,” Reid said. “You know that. You can walk out on me, but that doesn’t mean I get to stop loving you.”
Luke nodded his head, and the tears started to dribble down his cheeks. “I just thought… I mean if you didn’t want kids, then maybe you didn’t want me either. It’s been so awful without you.”
Reid tugged and Luke’s body was pressed into his husband. The redhead’s arms automatically went around Luke, holding him close. “I told you I don’t want to have children, not that I don’t want to have you. Luke, you’re it for me.” He started to rub his hands across his husband’s back, while the blonde shuddered softly.
“I’m so scared,” Luke whispered into Reid’s shoulder, and his hands reached up clinging to his husband.
“I know. But things are different this time,” he noted, pulling away slightly and holding Luke’s face in his hands. “First of all, you got me.”
“Makes a world of difference,” the blonde replied dryly, a gentle smile tugging at his lips.
“So we’ll figure this out. We need to start telling people, just so they can get tested. Your siblings?” Reid began, still holding Luke, but he was in doctor-mode, thinking of the consequences and making plans for any and every eventual outcome.
Luke took a breath. “Well, Faith is old enough now.”
“What about your brother and sister that live on the west coast?” Reid checked, mentally reviewing that flow chart that Luke finally gave him. It’s framed on the wall in the office of his study. Luke had made one and given it to Reid has a gag gift for the redhead’s birthday, but actually it did help. Reid had suggested for any romantic relationships that Luke use Velcro-easier movement with the way so many people swap partners in this town.
“Aaron and Abigail. They’re my dad’s kids. We’re not blood-related.”
“So?” Reid noted. “We should have everyone tested. Including…” He sighed. “We need to get in touch with ‘bad dad.’”
Luke shook his head. “Reid, no. You said it yourself; you don’t want Damian anywhere near us. I haven’t had any contact with him in almost two years.”
“I don’t care.” The doctor’s grip tightened. “Luke, I’ll cut his kidney out myself if it’ll help you. I’m not about to lose you. Dialysis can help, but…”
“Another transplant would be best, I know. Dr. O’Connor said all of this. I…” He let out another sigh. He felt so tired, as if he couldn’t catch his breath. “I think I have Signor Moretti’s contact information at the office. I’ll get in touch with him after my treatment tomorrow.”
“Okay.” Reid started to feel a little better. Now that they were making plans and Luke was back in his arms, where the blonde belonged, Reid felt more like himself. “I’ll let Bob know we’re going to have to cut down on my patient load. But there is one I can’t let go.”
Luke’s hand came up and cupped Reid’s face. He knew who Reid was talking about. “Jason,” Luke murmured. “The patient that reminds you of Annie.”
“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “He’ll need surgery soon. I’m really the only one who can do it.”
“And you should,” the blonde replied. “It’s why I love you. That young woman from the other day, I want you to put that smile on her face.”
“That smile?” Reid asked with a slight shake of his head.
“Yeah, you think I don’t see it? Those parents and partners, the siblings, girlfriends, boyfriends, I’ve seen them come up to you when your patients are being discharged sometimes. After your surgeries, if I’m there, I see the relief and tears on the families’ faces. But when they leave, and they’re looking for you, they thank you for what you’ve done. They all have the same smile. It’s the smile of an answered prayer, I love that smile. You need to give that to Jason’s family and that young woman.”
“She thinks you’re hot,” the redhead noted.
Luke chuckled and shook his head. “Reid…”
“She told me so. I guess she’d seen the picture in the lobby from the ribbon cutting ceremony. She’s right. I almost called you, but…” his voice trailed off. He didn’t want to think about the fact that Luke had spent the last three weeks in a hotel room instead of their bed. “So, you never answered my question. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah, a little,” Luke admitted.
“So I’ll go to Al’s. Turkey club, extra mayo.”
“That’s sounds good.”
“All right.” Reid pressed his lips to Luke for a gentle kiss. “I’ll be back soon.”
*
They ate. They talked about Luke’s illness and the plans they’d have to make, people to contact, the treatment options. Reid mentally reviewed his patient load, deciding who he could transfer to other members of his staff. There were two other neurosurgeons, some of the best in the country. No one held a candle to Reid’s skill, but under Reid’s guidance, the Snyder Pavilion was one of the best neurology wings in the country; and they were able to attract better candidates. Stepping back from his duties could reflect poorly on his chances for Chief of Staff, but Luke assured Reid he would talk to board members on Reid’s behalf. Reid argued against it at first. He didn’t think it was any of their business. Luke had to remind his husband that Oakdale was definitely a small town and word would spread quickly, especially when a member of the board was going to be a patient. Luke didn’t have the heart to tell his husband that he had already begun to do damage control on Reid’s behalf.
Luke knew he would have to talk to his parents. Reid offered to be with him, but Luke didn’t want that. Holden had been respectful of Luke’s decision to move out. He’d even talked with Luke a few times, encouraging his son to talk to Reid. Lily, on the other hand, always questioned Luke, wondering if he was doing all right, if he was sure he and Reid could work it out. Luke wasn’t sure if Lily really disliked Reid or still hadn’t gotten used to the fact that Luke and Reid were happy, happier than Luke had been with Noah. Luke didn’t want to worry about refereeing between his mother and his husband when he told his family about his illness.
Before either one of them realized it, it was quite late. Luke stifled a third yawn in as many minutes.
“Come on,” Reid said, reaching for Luke’s hand. “Let’s go to bed.”
“I can’t,” the blonde replied, his gaze locked on the floor again.
Reid let out a sigh. “I’ll let you use my toothbrush.” He offered and tried to hide the pained expression on his face.
The blonde smiled to himself and his gaze finally met his husband’s. “Reid, you know I can’t stay here.”
“No, I don’t know that, Luke,” his voice was cool, but his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest. He did not want to have another argument. Not now, not when everything was still so scary and uncertain. Reid needed his husband, and he knew that Luke needed him just as much, if not more now.
“This doesn’t change anything,” the blonde said quietly.
“This changes everything!” Reid declared, grabbing his husband, holding the blonde’s face in his hands. “I’m not going to let you go back to that disgusting hotel room. You’re going to need someone to be there with you after the treatments. Have you been taking your meds? I know you haven’t been sleeping.”
“Reid, we’re still in the same place we were. The only difference is I’m sick now.”
“Luke…” the redhead’s grip tightened slightly and he pulled. Luke stumbled forward, but Reid’s grip didn’t lessen. “Let me take care of you. You don’t have to…” He let out a breath, feeling the familiar pressure on his chest. “You could stay in the guest room. I don’t feel comfortable with you going back to the hotel.” He’d kept the panic at bay all evening. Now, it was ripping through him.
“I need to. It would be so easy to…” Luke reached up, grasping the hands that were holding his face. “Please let me go.”
“I can’t ever let you go, Luke.”
Luke pulled Reid’s hands away from his face, but he continued to hold them. “I need you to do this for me. I don’t… I don’t want to leave you. I’ve never wanted to leave you. But I just keep thinking what does this mean? You take care of me, and I love you and you love me.”
“Nothing about that sounds bad.”
“And when I get better, are you going to want to have kids?”
Reid finally pulled out of Luke’s grip. “Don’t do this.”
“Nothing’s changed,” the blonde murmured. “Now I’m sick and the reason I left is still here. As much as I want to take your hand and crawl back into our bed, when I wake up in the morning-like I’ve woken up every morning since the night of Bobby’s Christening-my first thought is that I’m married to the only man I want to build a family with and he doesn’t want that. It eats away at me, a little bit each time I have that thought. You want to take care of me, then let me leave.”
Reid looked at Luke for a moment. The last thing the older man ever wanted was for his husband to be in pain and now he was the cause of it. A small part of Reid wanted to give in, agree to the possibility that Luke was clinging to, but it would be a lie. And when did he ever lie to his husband? “When is your dialysis appointment tomorrow?” Reid softly questioned.
“The afternoon,” Luke answered. “I’m going to meet my parents tomorrow morning. Can you…” He shook his head.
“What time tomorrow afternoon?”
“I’m meeting with Dr. O’Connor at one.”
“I’ll be there.” Reid pressed a kiss to Luke’s forehead. “I’ll be there for all of your appointments. Luke, I’m with you, forever.”
The blonde nodded his head. “I love you.”
“I love you back.”
===========================
Thank you for reading and commenting. And hugs and tissues to anyone who needs it. A quiet chapter, just focusing on Luke and Reid. I hope you enjoyed it. And yes, Reid does have a flow chart of the Snyder Clan. ~Ali
P.S. I'm a little under the weather at the moment, so I will try to comment (and be coherent) whenever I can. Thank you.
Onto Chapter Twelve...