Fic: All That I Am (7/17)
Title: All That I Am (7/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6}
Chapter Seven
Luke was true to his word, he didn’t mention the topic of kids for awhile. In the morning, they had breakfast, Luke making the coffee, Reid getting the bagels just right. As the week went on, they made plans to have dinner with Chris and Katie, quiet nights at home, watching a game. Reid spent some time in his office, but he didn’t hide in there to avoid Luke either.
Reid wasn’t convinced that Luke had forgotten the idea of having children, but he wasn’t going to bring it up either. He hated fighting with Luke, especially since he felt that it took them too long to get together and after too many nights worried that Luke would come to him and say that their marriage (“business arrangement” as they had called it) was over, that Luke was going back to Noah. A part of Reid still didn’t wonder if maybe Luke and Noah has planned their family as lovingly as they had planned their wedding.
“Reid,” Luke said. They had been sitting on the couch. Reid’s feet were resting in front of him and Luke had gotten up to pay the pizza deliver guy. The redhead was lost in thoughts and saw that his husband was holding a plate out for Reid. They had a Cubs game on and neither one of them felt like eating in the kitchen.
“Thanks,” Reid murmured. He tried to focus on the game, but mostly he was watching his husband’s movements. He knew that Luke was going to bring up the topic of kids. When Luke had come by the hospital earlier, he had one of Reid’s special coffees. There wasn’t a hospital board meeting, and Luke had just stopped by for a visit. The older man felt like his husband was trying to butter him up for something: dinner with the Snyder family, Luke having to take Reid with him to a fundraiser, or Noah coming to town for a visit (luckily that had a been an infrequent occurrence and the last time, Noah had brought a producer with him, some guy named Josh).
Luke came back with his own plate and a couple of bottles of water. The blonde took a sip of his drink and Reid noticed he had his anti-rejection meds on the table.
“Are you doing okay?” Reid asked, nodding at the pills.
It took Luke a moment to realize what the redhead was talking about. “Uh, yeah,” he replied. Luke was torn between being glad and annoyed with Reid’s concern. Reid took care of his patients, and the blonde knew that was one of the reasons that would make his husband such an excellent father.
“So how long is it going to be like this?” Reid questioned.
The blonde looked at his husband for a moment. “What?”
“Children, Luke. I know you’re dying to talk about it.”
“Reid.” He sighed. “I just can’t figure you out. You have kid patients. You’re great with them. Until Chris moved in with Katie, you were the only father Jacob knew.”
“But I’m not his father, Luke. I have no intention of being a father.”
“You never thought you’d get married either,” the blonde countered. The night Luke had proposed for the second time, Reid had told him that. At the time, the younger man assumed it was Reid’s way of letting him go.
“Yes,” Reid conceded. “And you know, that is because I never expected to spend the rest of my life with someone.” He didn’t want to focus on the past either. It took a lot of faith on Reid’s part, faith that he didn’t place on anyone but himself, to give his heart to Luke. They had a great life, and he didn’t want that to change.
“And since you were able to change your mind about that, can’t you change your mind about this too?”
“Luke, you make it sound so simple. ‘Oh, you didn’t want kids, but I think we should, so let’s do it?’ Kids are a huge responsibility.”
“I know that,” Luke countered. “And I hate that just because I was young when we met, you act like I’m some sort of spoiled brat who doesn’t know anything.”
Reid swallowed deeply and stood up. “You know that I don’t think of you like that and I haven’t for a long time. And do you know what I hate? I hate that you always thought you weren’t good enough for me. I love you, Luke. That doesn’t mean I want to have kids with you or that I love you less than anyone else.”
“And you think I do?” Luke replied, standing up as well. He crossed his arms over his chest, daring his husband to push this further.
“I don’t know. I know that Noah was the love of your life.”
“Not any more. And I was always honest about my past with Noah and my feelings. I wasn’t going to use you.”
Reid let out a harsh bark of laughter. “You used me the moment you came to my office with your ‘business proposition.’”
“Well, you went along with it! So you could get your precious neurology wing. It was like your baby.”
The older man held up his finger in warning. “Luke.”
“I’m not saying we need to have 10 kids, or let me put this in words you would understand, five neurology wings.”
The redhead breathed deeply. “Stop it.”
“That neurology wing…” Luke’s hands fell to his sides. “I know how important it is to you, and it is important to me too because I know how many people you’ve helped and the joy you get from it. Reid, I used to be jealous,” he admitted.
Reid started to walk towards the younger man. He gently reached out, cupping Luke’s face in his hand. His fingers working their way into the blonde’s hair. “I love you more than anything,” he whispered.
“I love you,” Luke replied, his voice just as soft. He dug his hands into his pockets, even though he wanted more than anything to wrap his arms around the redhead’s waist. “And, Reid, you know how important my family is to me.”
The redhead swallowed and his eyes never wavered.
“How could you not expect me to want to have children with you?”
Reid shook his head and his hand dropped to his side. He reached down, picked up their plates, and headed toward the kitchen. He didn’t look back, even as he heard the measured steps of his husband behind him. He started to pick up the remnants of their dinner.
“We have to talk about this, Reid,” Luke finally said.
The older man stopped in his actions, but he kept his back to his husband. He stiffened slightly when he felt Luke’s warm palm between his shoulder blades, but he turned when he heard the soft “Oh,” the pain in Luke’s voice.
He didn’t want to have this conversation, but he couldn’t hurt Luke either. “I don’t want to have children. I would a horrible dad.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” the blonde insisted.
“Luke-”
“You’re great with Jacob, and Ethan and Natalie,” Luke cut him off. He couldn’t believe Reid wouldn’t acknowledge that.
“We spend small amounts of time with them, that’s not the same as being their father. And Luke, we both know how I can be. You claim to love children, why would you want them to have me as a father?”
The younger man gently rubbed his hand across Reid’s back. “It’s because I love kids and especially because I love you that I want to have children. Any kid would be lucky to have you as a dad. Reid-”
The doctor couldn’t take any more of Luke’s soft assurances. He wasn’t going to be talked into this, especially with Luke’s platitudes. “There are so many issues we have to consider,” Reid noted, turning around so he could face his husband.
“Okay. Talk to me.”
“Do we adopt?” Reid began, ticking off the questions with his fingers. “And if there are problems with that, what are you going to do? Are you going to try and buy us a baby?”
Luke sputtered for a moment. He couldn’t believe Reid would think Luke would try that. And the blonde was a little surprised to realize he never considered it before.
“We could use a surrogate,” Luke noted.
But Reid had more questions about that as well. “And who would we pick? Do we use an agency? I don’t want some strange woman to be the mother of a child I’m not expecting to have.”
The younger man’s mouth opened, an automatic response, but he almost didn’t want to say it. However, Luke couldn’t let Reid stone wall and argue his way through all of this. “Katie volunteered.”
Reid’s eyes narrowed slightly and his lips formed a thin line. Rarely did the redhead feel the need not to express what he was thinking, but there were too many words, most of them angry, and he wouldn’t be able to formulate a clear argument. He had learned early on, right after the first phone call in fact, that no one could get to him the way Luke did. As time went on though, Luke became the one person that he trusted the most. Now he was left wondering where that trust was.
“That’s so nice of her,” Reid replied, his voice matched the cool steel of his blue eyes. “My best friend and my husband have decided that not only are we having kids, but she’s going to be the mother.”
Luke’s hands came up automatically, a gesture of surrender and wanting to assuage Reid. “Look, Katie mentioned it, I never-”
“No,” Reid insisted and with a shake of his head, he moved around Luke. “No.” He walked out of the room and a few moments later, Luke heard the slam of Reid’s office door. He knew that his husband liked to hide in his study, “working.” It was a defensive move on Reid’s part. When he didn’t want to talk to Luke or was afraid of getting too close, he went to his office.
In a way, the blonde was grateful. He knew that Katie’s offer would come as a shock to Reid; it had certainly stunned Luke when she offered.
“How are you doing?” Luke asked as he watched Katie. She was lying in her hospital bed, holding Bobby.
Reid was busy in a meeting and Chris was in the on-call room catching some sleep. Katie had finally pushed him out the door when Luke arrived. She was exhausted herself, but Chris was hovering, as was Margo, Bob, and Kim. When Luke had walked in, she was so relieved. She insisted Chris go take a nap and made Luke promise not to leave until Chris came back. Neither Katie nor Luke expected Luke to keep that promise, but Chris had been insistent. The two blondes looked at each other for a moment, a brief conversation took place, and Luke agreed.
“I’m exhausted,” she admitted. “But…” Her eyes wandered over her new son. “It’s so worth it.”
Luke smiled. “I can imagine.” He and Katie had gotten closer when Luke and Reid had married. She was one of the few people who understood the real man behind the harsh demeanor Reid displayed for the world. More than that, they were both moving past a lost love, her with Brad, him with Noah, and they understood the fear and hope when you found yourself falling in love with another man especially when you least expected it.
She tore her gaze away from that of her son and looked at Luke. Both of them were married to men who worked long hours, although no one could compete with Reid on that point. Luke would stop by and spend time with Katie. On more than a few occasions, he had done evening runs for Chinese food or ice cream. He teased her about the “pregnancy weight” he was going to gain. Luke had been inquisitive but not intrusive, and Katie enjoyed sharing the joy of having a baby with Luke. She knew that he would be a great dad.
“Do you want to hold him?” she asked.
Luke’s eyes widened slightly and his hands reached out automatically. “Can I?”
She smiled encouragingly, and he came forward, gently and with a practiced ease, took Bobby from Katie’s arms. The baby mewed slightly but immediately curled into the warmth of Luke.
“Hi, Bobby,” he whispered. “I’m your ‘Uncle Luke.’”
Her smile deepened. She and Chris had already talked about Godparents. He had finally agreed on Reid, but only because he knew that Luke would always be a part of Reid’s life and he trusted Luke.
“You’re good with him,” she noted.
“Younger siblings. Ethan was born when I was in high school, so...” He shrugged and gently rubbed Bobby’s back. “But I can’t imagine what it would be like with your own…”
“Have you considered having kids?” she asked. She didn’t want to push, although she had a ton of questions, and Katie felt like she already knew the answer to the first one.
“Of course,” he replied instantly. “Sorry if I’ve been a little overly involved in your pregnancy, Reid always tried to tell me not to push-”
“Oh, no, no.” She held up her hand. “Luke, you were great.”
“Thank you.”
“So you and Reid? Dads?”
“Yeah, but…it’s a little different with two gay men.”
Katie snorted. “Yes, I am aware of that. But you and Reid are successful, you have means. What do you think?”
Luke looked down at Bobby again. He loved being a part of a family with Reid. They had created a relationship that worked, even from the beginning. When neither one of them knew what to expect, they found their way towards each other. And that family included Katie, Chris, Jacob and now Bobby. Luke was content with his life, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to someday be a dad with Reid.
“Luke?”
“We could adopt,” he admitted. “I know I love being an uncle to Jacob and now Bobby, and I know it’s not different when the child isn’t yours biologically. Holden loves me more than Damian ever could.”
“That’s true. But…” She pushed just a little on this one.
“With us, you’d have to consider who would be the biological father, and then there’s finding a surrogate. And you know how rigid Reid can be, I mean the issues he has if anyone even thinks about going near our bathroom, and the six months he banned me when I accidentally used his toothbrush…”
She laughed. “Yes.”
“It’s something that, it could be…” he stumbled, trying to express what he only kept hidden.
“What about me?” she asked. Katie actually had been thinking about it for awhile. She hadn’t mentioned it to Chris, and she barely acknowledged it to herself, not wanting to get Luke or Reid’s hopes up.
Luke had been watching Bobby sleep. “What about you?” he murmured, and he pressed a gentle kiss to the baby’s head. Luke couldn’t get over how small and perfect Bobby was.
“Would you consider me as a surrogate?”
His head snapped up and his grip on the baby tightened a little. “What?”
“Luke, would you consider me as the mother to your children with Reid?”
“You-you can’t be serious. You just had a baby, Katie, you can’t possibly-”
She nodded her head and eased her way up further onto the bed. “I’m not saying I want to get pregnant again tomorrow, and I know you’re not ready for that either. But I just want you to know, you do have an option. If you and Reid would consider-”
“Oh, Katie.” He felt a lump start to form in his throat. He didn’t realize how much he had been thinking about that possibility. Having kids was an idea that was always at the back of his mind, but he wasn’t sure how Reid felt. Now, to have some answers to their questions...it was more than he could have hoped for. “Thank you,” he assured her. “If it doesn’t happen, the fact that you even offered…”
“I mean it, Luke.”
He chuckled softly. “Wait until you get home and the medication wears off.”
She laughed in return. “As long as you don’t forget my offer. And don’t worry about Chris and Reid, we’ll make them understand.”
Pulling himself out of his thoughts, Luke walked down the hall to Reid’s office. He took a moment to catch his breath. He didn’t want to go to bed angry. He lightly tapped on the door and took a step back.
Despite the fact that there was no response, Luke knew Reid was there. “Reid.” The blonde placed his hand on the door. “Reid, please…”
The doctor had tried to focus on the latest journal article. It was about a procedure Reid was interested in learning more. He had just taken on a new patient, a college student who was just a few years younger than Luke. Sometimes when he was going over the case, Reid would be reminded of what had brought him to Oakdale in the first place. But more than that, he simply couldn’t concentrate. He knew that Luke wouldn’t let the idea of them having children go, and Reid wouldn’t be able to give in.
The redhead had dropped the journal the moment he heard Luke’s knock. He sat, staring at the door, picturing his husband: the furrowed brow, lips formed into a soft pout, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets.
“Reid…”
He stood up and walked toward the door.
“Reid, I don’t want to have this conversation with your office door.”
The redhead smirked slightly. But he wasn’t going to give in yet.
“I didn’t mean to back you into a corner,” Luke continued. “And, believe me, when Katie offered it was the last thing I expected.” He sighed and reached out, placing his palm on the door. “Reid, I love you, even when you’re mad at me and I have to tell it to your door.”
Taking a breath, the redhead grabbed the handle and the door swung open. Luke stumbled into the office, and Reid reached out and grabbed the younger man.
“Hi,” he whispered, looking up and meeting his husband’s eyes.
“Luke, I don’t-”
“I know how much you love Katie, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want to have kids, and when she offered-”
“She shouldn’t have done that,” Reid countered, letting go of his husband and walking toward their bedroom.
Luke sighed and turned on his heel, following the other man down the hall. “But if we were going to choose anyone, why wouldn’t we choose your best friend? You love Katie, we both do.”
They finally made it to their bedroom, and Reid started to take off his watch.
“Reid.”
He threw his watch onto his dresser and turned to Luke. “I love you, too. I do. And I’m actually not shocked that Katie volunteered to do this, but I don’t want it. And do you think Chris does?”
Luke opened his mouth to respond, but he honestly hadn’t considered Chris. He just assumed that Katie would have talked with her husband, but realizing that he and his own husband were arguing about this very topic, he started to doubt that.
“Luke, I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but I don’t want kids. I gave up my life Dallas to stay here for you.”
“No!” The blonde shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “You gave up Dallas because I bought you a neurology wing. And you claimed to be happy. You want to leave?”
Reid turned and his mouth fell open. “I would never leave you. But I always wondered if you would leave me.”
“I love you. I want a family with you. What part of that means I want to walk out? You’re the one talking about Dallas.”
“Because I wasn’t happy there. Let’s say I would actually agree to do this, even though I don’t want kids,” he emphasized his last point by closing the distance between them. “I love Katie, I do, but I can’t imagine that Chris would agree with that any more than I would want you to have kids with someone else. But then you all seem to think that it’s all right with all the in-breeding, marrying cousins, and dating through families.”
Luke shook his head and his hands fell to his sides. “Oh come on!”
“Okay, fine. Our son or daughter would be Jacob and Bobby’s half-sibling.”
“Faith, Natalie, and Ethan are my half-siblings. I love Holden.” He reached out, placing his hands on Reid’s forearms. “We’ve made it work. You know that. And okay so I tell Katie no, she’s not the only woman we know. I used to think of maybe asking Alison, you know…” He shrugged and the left side of his mouth slid up. “With your DNA and Ali’s we’d have brilliant kids. Maybe a couple of doctors.” His smile deepened.
Reid swallowed. He knew that smile. He loved that smile, but he couldn’t give into it. “That’s one more thing to consider, Luke, who would be the biological father?”
“I just assumed you,” the blonde admitted.
“Of course, because I don’t want to be a dad.” He shook his head and turned. One of the reasons Reid loved his husband was his charm and way with people. He saw how Luke treated people on the board, dozens of meetings when they were trying to get the neurology wing up and people would fight about Reid’s choices. Luke was right there to back him up, to argue and cajole until the person gave in. But Reid couldn’t give in to this. He just wished that Luke would realize that.
The blonde reached out and gently placed his hand between his husband’s shoulder blades. Reid shuddered softly.
“I know we have a lot to talk about,” Luke replied, and he started to rub gentle circles across the older man’s back. “And we don’t have to decide anything tonight.”
“I never expected to be a father,” Reid whispered. He turned slightly, glancing over his shoulder. “It took me 34-years just to find you.”
Luke’s hand fell away, and he reached out, cupping Reid’s face in his hand. “I’m not going anywhere. And I know what it took for us to get here.”
“Then why change it?” Reid wondered. “I love the life we have. I know I talk about how awful Oakdale is, but your family, the foundation, the shipping company, it’s all here. We made this life together, and I don’t want it to end.”
The blonde offered a soft smile and a gentle nod of his head. His mouth opened for a moment and quickly closed.
“Say it,” Reid instructed. “Whatever it is, just say it.”
“I keep thinking that our lives could be better. We could have everything. Not almost…it would be everything. And Reid, I’m not talking about tomorrow we go out and tell Katie we want to have kids or start adopting. I just want to know that the possibility is there.”
“I don’t think it is.”
===========================
Thank you so much for those of you who keep coming back and commenting. I greatly appreciate it! I hope you all had a nice holiday week. So yes they’re starting to have “the talk.” What did you think of Katie’s offer?
Also, I will begin posting 3 times a week: Sunday, Wednesday, & Friday. ~Ali
Onto Chapter Eight...