Fic: All That I Am (15/17)
Title: All That I Am (15/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10} { Chapter 11} { Chapter 12} { Chapter 13} { Chapter 14}
Chapter Fifteen
Reid’s skin felt too tight and the air was crushing his chest. Luke’s surgery should have been done by now. Beth, Reid’s top nurse, was assigned to Luke’s case. Reid thought that Luke would be comfortable with her, and she was one of the few nurses on staff that he trusted. She had come out whenever she could to provide updates. But it had been too long, and Reid needed to get down to the operating room or run outside and breathe fresh air.
“Reid, Alison.” Dr. O’Connor appeared in front of him. Alison stood up and went to stand next to Reid. Katie flanked his other side, and both women grabbed one of his hands.
“How did it go?” the redhead asked.
Dr. O’Connor smiled. “Successful. Luke and Casey are both in recovery. They should be moved to their respective rooms by the end of the day.” He looked from Reid to Alison. “I’m sure you’re going to want to go see your husbands.”
The small waiting area erupted in relief and several voices talking at once. Reid quickly disengaged himself and went in search of his husband.
Luke was still unconscious and a little pale. Reid stood a few feet away from the bed. He took a deep breath and made his way toward his husband. He gently grasped Luke’s hand. “I’m here, Luke.” He wasn’t sure how much his husband could hear him. “O’Connor said everything went well. Can you promise me something, though?” Reid unconsciously skimmed the palm of his hand against Luke’s knuckles. He tried not to be concerned by Luke’s bare hand. His wedding band was tucked safely in Reid’s pocket because Luke had to remove it for surgery. “Promise me we don’t have to go through this again. Screw shelf life, I want forever, I’ll even…” he stopped, the next words came so quickly he didn’t even have time to recognize the thoughts as his own. “I’ll try to think of the possibility of children.”
*
The next two days were a bit of drug-induced blur for Luke. He felt sore, but every time he woke up, Reid was there, either holding his hand or lying in the bed next to his. On the third day, Reid had to leave him though. Luke had wanted to send Reid home because the doctor was going to perform Jason’s surgery. Luke thought it would be best if Reid was at their home, sleeping in their bed instead of the uncomfortable hospital one he’d been using. Reid had argued that he couldn’t possibly sleep as well away from Luke as he did in the hospital.
Early on that morning, Reid pressed a soft kiss against Luke’s forehead. “I love you back,” he whispered.
Luke looked at him and smiled. “Kick ass in surgery, Dr. Oliver.”
Reid leaned back and chuckled. “You got it.”
The younger man tried to read or watch some television. He was starting to feel better, and he hoped to be released in the next couple of days. Casey had been released the previous day. He and Alison were at Tom and Margo’s. They’d head back to Carbondale in a few days. Luke wanted to call Casey, but he felt he’d already asked so much of his friend. Luke also couldn’t stop thinking about Reid. He knew how important this surgery was. The number of people depending on Reid’s skill in that operating room, Reid included, made it difficult for Luke to try to concentrate on anything else. And there was something tugging at him, fuzziness at the edge of his brain. He couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but he knew it was Reid’s voice.
Luke knew he would be reprimanded if he tried to get out of bed, but he didn’t want to page Beth with updates on Reid’s surgery. Suddenly, there was a knock on his door. Izzy’s familiar red hair peaked around the corner. Her eyes were shimmering, and she nervously bit her lip.
He sat up further into his bed and started to move. “Izzy.”
She quickly walked into the room, trying to make sure Luke didn’t get out of bed. She didn’t know much about transplants, but if he was still in the hospital, she didn’t want him to get hurt. “Hi, Luke.” She went and sat on the bed opposite his. “I…” She let out a breath. “I hate waiting rooms.”
Luke nodded his head in understanding. Noah’s surgery had been hellish. Just like then, he was anxious for the patient and his husband. “Could you do me a huge favor?” he asked.
Izzy nodded her head. “Sure. You’ve done so much for Jason and me; anything you need, I’ll do it.”
“I’m going stir-crazy in here. Could you keep me company for a while? You don’t have to stay the whole time that Reid’s in surgery, but…”
A bright smile worked its way across the young woman’s face. “If you think it would help you…” she said slowly, the smile still tugging at her lips.
“Definitely,” Luke said solemnly.
“Then, yeah, I can stay.”
A couple of hours later, an exhausted Reid walked into Luke’s room. “Izzy,” he greeted them. “I just briefed Jason’s family.”
She stumbled off the bed. She and Luke had been talking about Izzy and Jason. He insisted she tell him their entire relationship history. The light in her eyes had dimmed slightly the last few times Luke had seen her, and he wanted to see it again.
“We got it all,” Reid told her. “All the tumors are gone. We’ll need to keep monitoring-oomph-” The rest of the doctor’s response was cut off when Izzy threw herself into his arms. The young woman locked her arms around Reid’s neck and tugged him down.
“Thank you,” her voice was clogged with too many words and so much emotion. “Thank you.”
Reid gently patted her on the back and his gaze met Luke’s. The blonde smiled. “I love you,” he mouthed the words, and Reid could only smile in return.
Finally, Izzy felt like she could stand on her own feet. “Can I… When can I see him?”
“He’s in recovery,” Reid replied, knowing exactly how this young woman felt; he had been in the same position less than three days earlier. “Beth at the nurses’ station, she’ll take you to him.”
Izzy started to leave, but she quickly ran back to give Luke a hug as well. “Without you and your generosity and marrying such a brilliant man, Jason and I…” She hiccupped. “Thank you,” she told him fiercely. The young woman let go of Luke and then pulled Reid close for one more hug. “Thank you!”
They stood in stunned silence for a moment the whirlwind of Izzy taking most of the air with her. “I should go shower,” Reid said. “And I have to fill out the surgery report.”
Luke nodded his head, learning long ago the process Reid went through after a surgery.
“I’ll be back in time for dinner,” Reid assured his husband.
“I can’t wait.”
The doctor turned and started to head out of the room, but just as quickly as he did, his feet directed him back to Luke’s bed. He sat down next to his husband. Luke reached out and cupped Reid’s face, his fingers becoming enmeshed in Reid’s hair. “You did it, Reid.”
“There’s still-”
“No.” Luke shook his head and his free hand cupped Reid’s other cheek. “This won’t be like Annie.”
Letting out a breath, tired blue eyes met concerned brown ones. “I’ve been where Izzy is, Luke, just three days ago. I was about to rip off my own skin, waiting to find out if-”
“I’m right here,” Luke assured him. He pressed a kiss to Reid’s mouth. “I’m right here.”
“For how long?” Reid demanded.
The blonde’s hands fell away and a small choke worked its way out of his throat. “Reid-”
“I could have lost you. I will be grateful to Casey Hughes as long as I live, but before that, you were gone.”
“No, Reid, I still love you. I don’t want to lose you,” he insisted and reached for Reid again. Luke had to make his husband understand that no matter what, he would always love him.
“You still want to have children?” the redhead questioned.
Luke opened his mouth for a moment and his fingers tightened slightly. “Yes. You brought up the topic before my surgery, Reid. What was that about?”
“I wanted you to be calm. Stress can add complications…” his voice trailed off when he saw Luke shake his head.
“You manipulated me?” he questioned, his voice small and broken. “Have you ever even considered-”
“Of course I have!” Reid countered, pulling out of Luke’s embrace. “Since the night of your surgery, all I keep thinking about is this redheaded girl and…” He let out a breath, trying to focus his thoughts. “I keep thinking about Izzy, that’s who I picture, that we could have a daughter just like Izzy. And then I think about how I met her, the man she loves is ill and he could die.”
“Reid-”
“I know exactly what that girl has been going through while I was surgery. I know the scenarios that have run through her mind. The constant panic she’s been holding at bay, the unimaginable future without him. And you want to bring a child into this?” he asked incredulously. “What am I so supposed do with our daughter if you’re gone? What am I supposed to be without you?”
Luke got out of the bed and watched his husband. Taking slow, measured steps toward the redhead, Luke continued to hold Reid’s gaze. “You love her,” he said. “All of that love that you have for me, you give to our daughter.”
He shook his head. “A child can’t replace you for me.”
“I know, but if that’s one of your reasons why we shouldn’t have kids, that in 10 years I could need another transplant…”
“I’ve felt you slipping away from me since the night of Bobby’s Christening. I just think if we bring a child into our lives and I do lose you… The idea of you in any kind of pain sends me into a complete panic. If I lost you, how could I be a parent to our daughter? I won’t be able to breathe, let alone make her sandwiches or take her to school or-”
“Shh, shh. I know.” Luke reached for Reid, the telltale panic working its way through his husband’s body. “You are the strongest person I know.”
Reid shook his head, but Luke’s grip just became more determined.
“I couldn’t have made it through my transplant surgery without you. I know how our life together could send you into a tailspin. I know I give you panic attacks, but you’re still here. And I’m still here. And as far as what would happen to our daughter if…” He couldn’t say the words, seeing the unfocused glaze start to work its way through Reid’s eyes. “Talk to Katie. She went through it with Brad and Jacob.”
Reid nodded his head in response.
*
The shower Reid planned to take and the notes he needed to write didn’t get done. He left the hospital room and went straight to Katie. He knew that he and Luke couldn’t go on like this. They loved each other but why wasn’t that enough any more? When did almost everything stop being what Luke needed?
His friend answered the door, holding Bobby. Reid could barely look at the little boy. He had this irrational dislike for the kid, thinking that if his friend hadn’t gotten pregnant then none of this would be happening.
“Reid,” she greeted him, reaching out for a half-hug. “How’s Luke?”
“He’s getting better everyday,” he noted, walking past her into the house. “Selfishly, I wish that they could keep him at the hospital indefinitely.”
Her face scrunched in confusion. “Why?”
“When he gets released, I’m not sure if he’s going to come back to me.”
“Reid.”
He went over to the couch, picking up a throw pillow and hugging it to his chest as he sat down. “We had another ‘discussion’ about children. This time I told him…” He rubbed the back of his hand against his forehead. “What am I supposed to do without Luke?”
She followed her friend to the couch and settled Bobby on her lap.
“He thinks we’ll have a daughter,” he admitted. “Red hair, probably your eyes,” he murmured glancing at his friend and then the little boy in her arms. Bobby had Katie’s eyes. “What am I supposed to do with her if Luke gets sick again?” he asked.
Katie wasn’t sure if Reid realized he was talking about his daughter as though he and Luke were actually going to have her. She felt a flutter in her stomach, imagining the movement as the baby grew and started to kick.
“I want to protect him. When he’s in the hospital, do I set up a bed for her in there too?” he asked, gripping the pillow tighter.
“Well, a hospital might not be the best place for a child, although we are talking about your daughter so…” her voice trailed off and she smiled. “You’ll probably give her a stethoscope for her first birthday.”
“No.” Reid shook his head and gently reached out over. Bobby’s pudgy hand grasped his fingers. “Maybe her third birthday.”
Katie’s smile grew.
“What am I doing?” Reid asked. “I would be a terrible dad. She’d need me to be strong for her while her other dad…” He let out a breath and his eyes widened looking at Katie. “I’m actually considering being a dad. I…” He shook his head. “No. Children are messy and complicated and sticky.”
Bobby gurgled in response, and Reid’s gaze found itself drawn to the baby. “What do I do with our child and no husband? He’s the one who is desperate for a baby.”
“When Brad died, I was so…” Katie’s voice trailed off, and she gasped slightly. Sometimes the reality of her life without Brad could still knock the breath out of her body. She sniffled slightly. “I was so angry,” she said, her voice cracking and tears pinpricked her eyes. “Mostly I was angry for Brad and Jacob that they lost so much. And then I look at Jacob, and it’s as if I see Brad all over. The gestures, his eyes, I just get caught looking at him and seeing Brad. He lives in Jacob.”
Reid sat with that, but he also realized that if Luke wanted Reid to be the biological father, then this daughter they were supposed to have wouldn’t live on in Luke.
“You’ll never love anyone as much as you love your child, Reid,” she told him and pulled Bobby close to her again. He made a slight noise, wanting to still hold onto Reid’s finger.
“But I already love Luke more than I thought I was capable of. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love him. I am rigid and methodical.” His gaze met Katie’s, and he knew she was holding back a laugh. “Okay, yes, I’m a control freak. Would you want that around a child?”
“That’s why you have Luke,” she pointed out. “And you were pretty great with Jacob when you lived here. You still are.”
“I performed a complicated surgery today,” he noted, his gaze once again going to the baby. “This surgery…few others would have attempted it. He is a college kid. I saw his parents right before I went into surgery and I knew… I knew if I failed, if something happens to that kid, they might never recover. This daughter that Luke wants to have, what if something happens to her? What if we lose her? Some couples break up, they can’t ever get past it, and it doesn’t make them stronger; it destroys them.”
“You’re losing him now, Reid. Is that better than the possibility of something that may never happen?” Katie asked.
*
Reid gave Katie a ride to the hospital. She and Chris were going to have dinner with the kids, but she wanted to check on Luke. Reid decided to give them some privacy and went to take a shower and finish his post surgery notes.
Walking into the hospital room with her two sons, Katie couldn’t help but recall what Reid had told her. She knew that despite his protests to the contrary, he had actually considered a family with Luke, but there was so much fear in him. Katie knew that fear; she’d seen it when Reid was first falling in love with Luke. She wondered what faith and strength he’d finally drawn to get past that. They were so happy. For the last three years, she’d watched them fall in love and create an amazing life together. The last thing Katie wanted for Luke and Reid was to see it all fall apart.
“Jacob!” Luke called out, and the little boy started to run toward the bed.
“Be careful,” Katie warned. She walked further into the room and helped her oldest son get settled onto the bed.
“How are you Uncle Luke?” the little boy asked.
“Doing okay. I should be able to get out of here soon,” he said.
Katie watched her son and Luke for a few moments. Bobby was sleeping in his stroller, letting Jacob and Luke talk for a few moments. Then the little boy got bored. She’d brought him one of his toys and helped Jacob get down on the floor so he could play.
“I just talked to Reid,” she said, keeping her voice low.
Luke nodded his head. “I told him to talk to you. At first, he insisted he wouldn’t be a good dad, but you know Reid. That’s crazy. He’d be an incredible father.”
“But if he never believes that…” She sighed softly. “Luke, can you still be with Reid and not have a family?”
“I moved out because I couldn’t. If I come back, I have to be okay with that. I know that we have this amazing life. I know how lucky I am that Reid loves me. But I don’t know if our lives can really be complete without children.”
“He’s scared.”
“I know.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I mean, he’s scared that if you do have children and something happens to you or…” Her breath caught in her throat. “What if something happens to your daughter, if you lose her, he doesn’t think-”
“Annie Judd,” Luke whispered.
“What?”
“She was a patient of his. That malpractice lawsuit from three years ago,” he replied and waited for Katie to remember.
“Oh.”
“He’s haunted by her. The God, Reid Oliver, couldn’t save her. I don’t think it was that he failed-in that situation, no one could have succeed-she was just a little girl, and he can’t… He must be terrified of that happening to us.”
Katie nodded her head. She’d have the same fear, especially after losing Brad.
“But I can’t live in fear. Reid taught me that. I used to be afraid of losing Noah, of not having him in my life, of loving someone else. Then I met Reid.” He couldn’t help but smile. “He’s…everything,” he whispered. The weight of the realization took a few moments to sink in. “He’s right. It’s not almost everything any more, he is everything I need.”
*
Reid was walking down the hall towards Luke’s room when he ran into Chris.
“Doogie, how are you today?”
Chris shook his head. He’d heard his father’s reasons for choosing Reid over him as his replacement. Chris had been hurt, but he was dealing with it. And knowing that Luke was sick and had just gone through surgery, Chris wanted to give Reid the benefit of the doubt, but the redhead got underneath his skin like no one else.
“I’m just going to collect Katie and the kids. We’re going to have dinner. How are you?”
“Luke’s getting better, that’s the most important thing.”
“And…” Chris’s voice trailed off. Katie was so much better about this than he was. But since she had volunteered to mother their children, Chris wasn’t sure how comfortable he felt with his wife taking on Reid and Luke’s problems.
“We haven’t resolved anything yet,” Reid noted. “I’m still…” He shook his head. “You see sick kids all the time. How do you deal with it?”
The brunette crossed his arms over his chest, suddenly part of Reid’s fear of children crystallized itself in his mind. Chris couldn’t help but recall a previous conversation about Reid’s fears in relation to his husband.
“And when you’re with Luke, don’t think about everything that could go wrong. Just enjoy the moment and don’t focus on pushing him away. Because that control you love so much, it’ll be the only thing you have.”
“This need for control that you have…” Chris said, watching as Reid stood up straighter and breathed through his nose, ready to verbally attack. “It almost cost you Luke in the beginning of your marriage, and it’s definitely going to make you lose him now. He just went through major surgery, Reid. I know you could have lost him if Casey hadn’t…” Chris stopped. He didn’t need to remind Reid of that. “I just don’t understand why you aren’t doing everything in your power to hold on to him?”
“There are very few things in life that scare me, having kids with Luke is one of them. I think he’s got this idea of who I would be as a dad, and for once, I won’t be able to exceed expectations.”
Chris snorted in response, but he quickly lost his smile when he realized that the other guy was being serious. “Reid, being a dad is scary, but-”
“I like my life a certain way. It comforts me to know that my toothbrush is in the left holder, facing left and my shirts are organized by color in my closet. I know I can be controlling, and I have high expectations for myself and the people in my life. I don’t know if I could put our daughter through that.”
“Daughter?” Chris checked. He knew it was impossible, but he suddenly imagined Katie pregnant with Reid’s child. His stomach burned with jealousy. They didn’t plan to have more children, but he still wasn’t sure if he liked the idea of his wife carrying Reid Oliver’s son or daughter. As quickly as it flared, it distinguished itself, seeing the look in Reid’s eyes. He’d been angry and lost since Luke had moved out. Despite their differences, Chris did like the other man, and Katie’s reminder that she wouldn’t have been ready for him without Luke and Reid couldn’t go unacknowledged.
Reid actually smiled. “Yeah, Luke talked about this dream he has of our daughter. But me as her dad? Would you put a child through that?”
“Well probably not,” Chris answered. “But that’s why you have Luke. He balances you. He brings you back to earth with the rest of us mortals.” He smirked.
The redhead spared him a glance. “The dimples still don’t work on me, Doogie.”
“Fine. Reid, having kids is scary as hell, but I wouldn’t give up one moment of my life with Katie and Jacob and Bobby for anything. But you’re costing yourself Luke. After you guys got married again, I never thought I’d see the day.”
==========================
Thank again for reading and commenting. I enjoy sharing this story with all of you. Reid finally told us the reasons why he doesn’t want to have children. They decide in the next chapter. What do you think? ~Ali
Onto Chapter Sixteen...