Fic: All That I Am (13/17)
Title: All That I Am (13/17)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13 (what else?)
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Casey/Ali, Chris/Katie, appearances from Snyder clan and other OCs
Summary: Luke found almost everything with Reid. Is that enough?
Warnings: Sequel to Almost Everything. So you should read that one first.
Author’s Notes: Thank you taking the journey back into this universe with me. Also a huge thank you to reilaroo for your awesome beta work and slayerkitty for letting me give you presents. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading. ~Ali
Previous Chapters: { Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3} { Chapter 4} { Chapter 5} { Chapter 6} { Chapter 7} { Chapter 8} { Chapter 9} { Chapter 10} { Chapter 11} { Chapter 12}
Chapter Thirteen
Reid went back to his office after leaving Bob and found his husband waiting for him. Reid smiled when he saw Luke. The blonde offered a gentle smile in response. Immediately, the older man reached up, cupping Luke’s face in his palm.
“How are you doing?” Reid asked.
Briefly, Luke’s eyes closed and he leaned further into Reid’s touch. “I’m exhausted. It’s been a long morning.”
The doctor led Luke to his chair. Reid leaned against his desk. “Talk to me. I’m assuming your father was stoic and Lily was hysterical.”
The blonde chuckled softly. “Yes.”
“I should have been there.”
Luke shook his head. “You have work. That’s important.”
“Pales in comparison to you and what you’re going through. I called-”
“I know,” Luke assured him. “Guess we’ve been playing phone tag. I went to see Katie and Chris. Jacob says hi. He wants us to take him for ice cream, preferably today.”
The redhead smiled gently. He’d missed so much about Luke, especially the blonde’s need to take care of everything. “We’ll see,” Reid said, knowing that Luke would somehow talk him into the play date with Jacob.
“How was your morning?” Luke asked. This felt natural in a way, going over their day, making plans for later. It felt as though they were them again, and Luke could pretend he wasn’t sick or not living at home. He frowned slightly, knowing reality would crash down around them at any moment.
Reid reached out and again held Luke’s face in his hands. He couldn’t help but see the dark bruising under the blonde’s brown eyes. Reid also wanted to make his husband’s frown disappear. Luke looked so pale. The light was still in his eyes, so Reid found himself hopeful as well.
“I talked to Mark,” the doctor noted and was once again treated to one of Luke’s blinding smiles. “He’s planning to move here by the end of the month.”
Luke stood and gently placed his hands on Reid’s shoulders. “That is fantastic. The architect has been working diligently on the plans. I have a feeling Mark might be as rigid as you were about his ideas, but maybe not so…”
“Hey,” Reid responded. His hands came up resting on Luke’s hips. And he gently squeezed. “The Snyder Pavilion is one of the best in the country because I am so rigid.”
“I’m not disagreeing, but I was shocked when Bruce agreed to work with us again on another hospital wing.”
“Bruce had a crush on you,” Reid countered, his hands sliding down Luke’s back, pulling him closer.
Luke let out a bark of laughter. It felt so good, the teasing, the gentle arguing, Reid holding him. “If anything, I think Bruce had a crush on you. Not that I can blame him, but I’m glad Mark will be at these meetings, so I don’t have to watch Bruce make eyes at you.”
“He was making eyes at you. And that laugh of his…” Reid shuddered. “You’re right, I’m glad I won’t be there to hear that.”
“I’m so glad Mark is coming: for the hospital and you, you need someone you can go have a beer with at the end of the day.”
Reid leaned forward, his forehead resting against his husband’s. “I love coming home to you at the end of the day.”
Luke jerked back. He wanted that to, but he was reminded of the hotel room that he would be going back to. The ugly face of reality reared its head again.
“Luke,” he whispered, tugging the younger man close again. “When I talked to Mark, he mentioned Tim Cooper, the nephrologist he golfs with. We could send your files to him, get a second opinion.”
“Reid, I trust Dr. O’Connor.”
“I know he’s a good doctor. But Cooper…” He let out a breath. Reid hated what he was about to say, because it would be manipulative and he knew that Luke would agree. Reid wondered if the end justified the means, especially if the results would be Luke getting better. “Do this for me?” the redhead asked. “I got tested first thing this morning,” he added softly.
Luke shook his head, but he reached out and held Reid’s face in his hands. “I love you so much. You want to send the files to Dallas I’ll do it. Just…” With another shake of his head, the blonde asked, “Can I be selfish and ask you to sit with me when I get my dialysis treatment?”
“Do you honestly think I wouldn’t be there?”
The blonde shrugged gently. “Your panic attacks,” Luke said incredulously. He liked being able to talk his husband through the anxiety.
“I got a prescription.” He had Bob write one before he left the older man’s office earlier. “So you don’t have to worry about me, we’ll just focus on you and your dialysis treatment.”
“I can’t believe you got a prescription for your panic attacks.”
“I want my attention to be all yours; I don’t want you worrying about me.”
Luke nodded his head and finally gave in to his desire to kiss Reid. He’d been wanting to do it since he left his husband the previous night. Luke pressed a gentle kiss to the doctor’s mouth. Reid let out a soft groan, and his arms circled Luke’s back, pulling him close. They held each other, drawing strength from one another.
Reluctantly, the blonde pulled away. “We have to go see the doctor,” he murmured.
Reid’s tongue darted out, trying to draw in the taste of Luke. “All right.” Taking his husband’s hand in his, Reid led him to O’Connor’s office.
During the appointment, O’Connor discussed the options, Reid asked several questions. Luke found himself half-listening, not understanding some of the terminology, but he knew that Reid would be able to answer all of Luke’s questions later. Reid also told O’Connor about the second opinion they wanted. Dr. O’Connor wasn’t surprised. He knew that Luke would bring his husband and having dealt with Reid in the past, O’Connor was prepared. Luke told him that it wasn’t that he didn’t trust Dr. O’Connor but the doctor brushed aside Luke’s apology. He understood and got everything ready to fax to Mark in Dallas.
Soon after, Luke was led to a room for his dialysis treatment. Reid stayed with him while they got him ready, adding the dialysis port to Luke’s arm. Everything was set and Reid and Luke talked quietly. Reid told him about his visit with Bob, that the Chief of Staff position was looking more and more like it could be his. Luke smiled. He was so proud of his husband.
“I know I wouldn’t be anywhere close to getting that job if it wasn’t for you,” Reid told Luke. “I don’t know how I’ll ever-”
Luke shook his head. “You know I do these things to support you, because they make you happy. And I love seeing you happy. It’s all selfish on my part really.”
Reid chuckled softly. He held on to the hand that wasn’t hooked up to a machine. “Of course, Mr. Oliver.”
The blonde smiled, glad he didn’t have to correct Reid. Although, he did love reminding people that he was Reid’s husband. “I haven’t gotten to the office today, though, to get Signor Moretti’s contact information.”
“I can go over there. I will get in touch with him.”
Luke sighed. “Reid, I know how you feel about Damian, but I think Moretti might respond better to me. Besides, you’re doing a lot for me already.”
Reid’s grip tightened slightly. “Doesn’t feel like it.”
“You’re here,” the blonde reminded him. “That’s exactly what I need.”
*
Luke walked with Reid back to the doctor’s office. The younger man hovered around the door. He quickly shoved his hands into the pocket of his pants and his feet shuffled a little. “I told Jacob I’d take him for ice cream,” he finally said.
Reid looked at his husband for a moment. “How are you feeling? Do you think you’re up for it?”
The blonde smiled shyly. “Are you kidding? The dialysis has me feeling all refreshed. But…” His bottom lip found itself tucked under his teeth. “Reid, I want you to come, but I don’t you to because you’re worried about me or thinking you need to take care of me.”
The redhead looked at his husband for a moment. “You’re going to ask a lot of me, Luke.”
He let out a breath. “Reid-”
“How can I not want to take care of you and worry about you? Luke, I’m your husband, what else would you expect of me?”
“I know, I just…” The younger man’s voice trailed off and he shook his head. Hadn’t he been waiting his whole life for this? He’d finally found the man who would put him first, who loved him as much as Luke loved him back. Why wasn’t that enough for him? Because that dream man he was waiting for, would also want to have a family with him.
Reid’s hand came up and cupped the blonde’s cheek in his hand. “Luke.”
“I want it to be fun for Jacob and us. I just want to go have ice cream. Can we do that?”
“Yeah, we can do that.”
“And no stealing Jacob’s ice cream,” Luke noted holding up his finger in warning. “Get as much as you want. I know you have that boy trained with the cookies, but he is only three.”
A smile tugged at the redhead’s lips. They’d had this same argument every time they took Jacob for ice cream. It was nice that this was still the same. “Can I help it if Jacob has learned to share?”
Luke shook his head with a smile. “Come on.”
*
Jacob was so excited when his mom came to his room and told him he had two visitors. After that morning, he hoped it would be his Uncle Reid and Uncle Luke, and he was right! Seeing his two uncles, Jacob raced as fast as his little legs would take him. Reid was the one who had bent down to catch him. He didn’t want Luke to exert himself. Immediately straightening, Reid held Jacob to him. The little boy reached to give his Uncle Luke a hug as well.
Katie was so happy to see Reid and Luke together that she would agree to whatever they wanted. Since it was just ice cream, she immediately gave her permission. But she was dying to ask them how they were doing. She saw a guarded shield on Luke’s eyes and the way Reid watched every little movement Luke exerted.
“All right boys,” Katie said. “Behave yourselves and don’t eat too much ice cream.”
“Yes, mom,” the three of them said in unison.
Now, sitting with his uncles having ice cream, Jacob was so happy.
“So what’d you do at school today?” Luke asked.
The little boy shrugged. “Stuff. It was Kelly’s birthday.”
“Were there snacks?” Reid asked, immediately perking up.
“No.” The boy shook his head. “She has leries?”
The two men looked at each other for a moment and then at Jacob. “What?” Luke asked.
“She can’t eat cake and stuff so we didn’t have snacks.”
“Oh!” The blonde snapped his fingers. “Allergies. How could she be allergic to cake?” he asked his husband.
Reid, who had just finished his ice cream, tried to shove away the bowl that Jacob was pushing in his direction. The redhead shook his head, trying to get the little boy to take his ice cream back.
“Unbelievable,” Luke muttered. He stood up and went get Reid another helping.
“Jacob, I appreciate you giving me your ice cream, but it upsets Uncle Luke.”
“Why?” the little boy asked.
“Uncle Luke thinks that I’m stealing it from you. And he wants to make sure you get as much ice cream as you want.” The redhead leaned in closer, “Especially since you didn’t get to have birthday cake today.”
Luke slowly walked back toward the table, watching Reid with Jacob. An image flashed before him, of a little girl with red hair and blue eyes. It came so quickly, he felt the air leave his body. He stumbled slightly toward the table.
Reid looked up and saw the color drain from Luke’s face. He immediately stood up and grabbed Luke by the arm. “Are you okay?” the redhead asked urgently.
Shaking away the image, Luke said, “Yeah. Sorry.” He plastered a smile on his face and sat across from Jacob.
“Now, Jacob, this is for you. If there is anything left, then you can give it to Uncle Reid.”
Jacob laughed when he saw the angry look at Uncle Reid gave his Uncle Luke.
*
After dropping Jacob off at home, the two men hesitated on their way back to Reid’s car. Reid hadn’t let go of his husband’s hand for the last few minutes. It was as though the redhead was afraid if he let go, then Luke would walk away, and he wasn’t sure when he’d get him back.
“Say it,” Reid finally told Luke. There was something that was on the tip of Luke’s tongue, Reid knew that. He could sense his husband was holding something back. The blonde wasn’t going to want to fight in front of Jacob, but Luke was incapable of keeping everything hidden, especially from Reid.
“Thank you for this,” Luke said. “And I know you insist that you don’t want to have children, but when I see you with Jacob… I see our children and I think about how amazing you would as a father.”
Reid shook his head and his grip tightened slightly. He reached out, cupping Luke’s face in his hand again. “You know how I can be, Luke. Would you want to subject a child to that?”
“You are amazing, Reid Oliver. And yes, I wish you hadn’t trained that little boy to give you his ice cream, but the greatest thing in my life is having you love me.”
“Why can’t that be enough?” he asked. “You’re sick, Luke. Today was the first day of God only knows how many dialysis treatments, and then there’s the surgery, and if you reject the kidney…” He shook his head. “I want to focus on this, on you and me. That’s my priority.”
With his own free hand, Luke reached up and held the hand that was holding his face. “I love you so much. I don’t know how I got so lucky…”
Reid shook his head and pressed his mouth to the blonde’s. “Come home with me?”
Luke’s mouth opened in protest, but instead he said, “I am a little tired. I know you haven’t been sleeping and… I feel like Jacob. I need a nap.” He smiled ruefully.
“Then come home with me.” It wasn’t a question this time.
The younger man nodded his head in response.
*
When they got back to the house, Reid noted, “My new patient…I have some research to do. You could have the room to yourself.”
Luke shook his head. “I can’t sleep without you, that hasn’t changed. Unless…”
Reid took both of Luke’s hands and practically dragged his husband to their bedroom. Luke toed off his shoes and climbed into the bed. Reid watched him for moment, realizing how right it felt to have Luke home. He wasn’t sure how long it was going to last, but Reid wasn’t about to let this opportunity go, either.
“Reid…” Luke called softly. “Come to bed.”
The older man took off his shoes and placed his watch on the dresser. He crawled into the bed, his body molding with Luke’s, his head, and heart finding the peace it had been missing for the last several weeks. Reid’s right arm wrapped around his husband’s waist and his left hand, rested on the pillow above their heads. The redhead’s nose burrowed into Luke’s neck, and the younger man let out a contented sigh.
“I love you,” the blonde murmured.
Reid’s eyes drifted shut and his grip tightened slightly. Soon sleep claimed them both.
A few hours later, when Reid woke up, he immediately knew something was wrong. He felt cold and his arms knew something was missing. “Luke?” he called sitting up, but his husband was gone. The older man looked around the room, suddenly he got up, searching through the house, but there was no sign of his husband.
All Reid had was a feeling of restfulness to assure him that Luke had been there.
When he got read the next morning, though, the coffee machine was running. There was a small post-it note on it: I know you haven’t been sleeping and you’ll probably need this. Thank you. Love, Luke.
*
The next month was filled with doctor’s appointments. Reid got in touch with Dr. O’Connor and received a copy of his husband’s dialysis treatment schedule. A part of Reid wanted to call Luke or go to the Lakeview and demand to know why his husband had left, but Luke had been so reluctant to even go home with him in the first place, that Reid knew the conversation would lead to the inevitable argument. For Luke’s health, Reid restrained himself.
Luke’s file went to the specialist in Dallas. He recommended the same treatment plan that Dr. O’Connor had established. So twice a week, Luke received dialysis treatments and Reid was right there with him. They didn’t talk about Luke’s leaving or even the future. Luke filled the room with inane nonsense, stories about his family, Foundation meetings. Reid listened, sometimes offering a wry comment, just to see the smile on his husband’s face.
Luke got in touch with Signor Moretti. Damian was allowed to be tested, but no one could visit him. The prison warden wasn’t too keen on the idea of one of his inmates being taken out for a medical procedure. In the long run, the point was moot and Damian was not a match.
It seemed that everyone Luke and Reid knew was lining up to get tested. Luke was overwhelmed by the support, and Reid was as well. The doctor tried desperately to keep his disappointment in check when he learned he wasn’t a match for Luke.
“I’m sorry, Luke,” he told his husband at that day’s dialysis appointment.
Luke felt, if anything he should be the one to apologize. He never apologized to Reid for leaving. But that evening, waking up in Reid’s arms, it felt perfect. Luke was home. But the distance was still there and Luke knew he would be hurting Reid by coming back too soon and providing false hope. It was the coward’s way out, to just leave and not wake Reid up, but Luke couldn’t do so otherwise.
“Reid…” With his free hand, he gently squeezed his husband’s. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not a match.”
“Thank goodness.”
The redhead’s face scrunched in confusion. “Luke, you need-”
“No.” He shook his head. “I know how much your work means to you and I don’t want to take that away from you.”
“Luke, when are you going to realize that nothing in my life means as much to me as you?” He let go of Luke and tucked some of the blonde’s hair behind his ear. “I wanted to be your savior. I want to protect you and heal you.”
Luke offered that sad, gentle smile he had been offering Reid for weeks. The smile that tried to assure Reid, but the light never reached Luke’s eyes. The redhead wanted to put that light back into his husband’s eyes.
“You did save me. You agreed to marry me.”
Reid shook his head. “Then why do I feel like I’m holding you back?”
“Reid, this is why I can’t stay with you. I’m not ready yet. I still keep thinking about our children, and if I’m going to have children with anyone then it’s going to be you. And…” He leaned over slightly, waiting for Reid to argue with him, tell him to drop it.
The redhead’s lips formed a thin line. He knew what was expected of him, he knew that Luke wanted him to give in and say, yes. He couldn’t give in, even if it meant making Luke feel better. He knew that in the long run it would lead to more pain for them.
Instead, Reid reached for Luke’s hand again. Neither man spoke the rest of Luke’s treatment.
*
Finally, after a long four weeks of treatments and continued distance, Luke got the call he had been waiting for: there was a match. The blonde’s first instinct was to call Reid, but after everything, he wanted to be there with Reid when he told him.
He checked his husband’s schedule and saw that Reid was still at the hospital. The news couldn’t wait, and Luke wanted to see the look on his husband’s face when he told him. With the guilt Reid somehow felt about not being a match, Luke wanted to see his husband smile again.
*
Reid took a deep breath before going into his patient’s room. He had cut down on most of his schedule. He wanted to be as available for Luke as he could. He had the dialysis appointments added to his schedule, and blocked off time afterwards in case Luke needed him. But during all of that, there was one patient that Reid couldn’t stop treating.
Walking into the hospital room, Reid smiled to himself. Jason was sitting up and his girlfriend, Izzy, was stretched out on the bed next to him. Jason looked up and smiled at his doctor. Reid knew how important it was to have a support system. Izzy had taken a leave of absence from school and with funds from Luke’s foundation, she was staying in town without having to worry about paying for her accommodations. Once Luke heard about Izzy and Jason, he hired the young woman part-time at Grimaldi Shipping. She helped his assistant and ran errands. Luke, of course, paid her too much money, but since he had his own support in Reid, he knew how important her presence was for Jason.
“Dr. Oliver!” Jason greeted him.
Izzy moved to get up, but Reid held up his hand. “It’s fine. I just wanted to check on the two of you.”
The young woman chuckled softly. She still couldn’t believe some of the gossip she heard from the nurses. Dr. Oliver was always so kind to her and Jason. She was eternally grateful that her boyfriend had found the doctor and he was going to help him.
“We’re doing great, Doc,” Jason said and gave Izzy’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.
She turned to him and smiled. Reid recognized the smile, it was the same one that Luke gave him during his dialysis treatments: as though the patient was trying to assure the partner that everything was going to be okay.
“Um, how’s Luke?” Izzy asked. She didn’t want to pry, but she could tell that her boss had some days that were better than others. She actually hadn’t seen Luke for a day or so, because he’d been out for treatments and she’d been at the hospital.
“Good,” Reid noted. “Each treatment makes him feel better. We’re just hoping to find a donor.”
Izzy knew though, that Reid was there to talk to Jason. “Um, Baby,” she said and started to get up off of the bed. “I’m going to go get a soda. Can I bring him one too?” she asked the doctor.
Reid nodded his head and with a smile, watched Izzy leave the room.
“So, what’s the news?” Jason asked.
The doctor crossed his arms over his chest and walked closer to the bed. “It’s good news. The radiation is working, your tumors has shrunk considerably. And I want to get in there and get rid of them. Jason, I think you should call your parents, see if they can get out here.”
“When?” the young man asked.
“Day after tomorrow, end of the week at the latest. If we can get the tumors…” Reid’s voice trailed off. He didn’t want to offer false hope. They had been working to getting rid of them. The young man had a few, but they had come back.
“I know, Dr. Oliver,” Jason said. “Thanks. I’ll call my folks this afternoon. And…” The young man started to tug at his blanket. “I hope Luke finds a donor soon. Doctors might like hanging out here all the time, but for the rest of us, it kind of sucks.”
Reid wasn’t sure what to say. “Jason, I’ll do my best to make this visit end soon for you.”
“I know.” The young man smiled.
*
Reid walked slowly back to his office. He was anxious to call Luke, as was his usual feeling, but he couldn’t forget about his patient either. So much of Jason reminded him of Annie Judd. But this was one time that Reid couldn’t fail.
When he got to his office, a smile broke out on his face. “Luke,” he whispered.
The young man immediately rushed up to Reid. He wrapped his arms around his husband and burrowed his head into the crook of Reid’s neck. “I have some great news,” Luke told him.
The doctor froze for a moment. He had started to reach up and hold Luke close, but hearing the blonde’s response, Reid wasn’t sure what to do.
Luke pulled back slightly, but he kept his hands locked around Reid’s waist. “Dr. O’Connor called. They found a match.”
“Luke…”
The younger man smiled and nodded his head. “That’s pretty much all I know. But he wants me to come in tomorrow and discuss everything. It’s going to happen, Reid.”
“He doesn’t want you to come now?” Reid checked. He was wondering about the delay, but then he realized, “It’s a live donor.”
“Reid, we’ll find everything out tomorrow, can we just…” The younger man shrugged. “I know you’ve got patients, but…” He offered a sad smile and shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“Let’s go home,” the redhead said. “Please, Luke, just come home with me.”
“Yes,” he agreed.
*
Luke felt relaxed for the first time in he didn’t know how long. Reid was holding his hand and they were walking toward Dr. O’Connor’s office. Both men were excited and exhausted. Reid barely let his husband out of his sight and falling asleep with his arms wrapped around Reid, Luke felt better than he had in weeks.
Now, he was about to get news about this transplant. He just hoped that the haunted look in Reid’s eyes would disappear. They still had much to figure out, but Luke was so relieved, he didn’t want to think about it.
They went to the nephrologist’s office. Luke tried to pay attention to what the doctor was telling him. And again he would have to rely on Reid to explain everything. But there was one thing that Luke needed to know.
“Who’s the donor?” the blonde asked.
Before Dr. O’Connor could answer, there was a knock on his office door. “That should the person now,” Dr. O’Connor replied. “Come in,” he called.
Luke and Reid turned toward the door.
“Casey…” Luke’s whispered.
“Hey, Snyder,” Casey greeted them.
“It’s Oliver,” Luke automatically corrected him with a whisper.
===========================
Thank all for your continued support of this story. We’re barreling toward the end now. I know some of you guessed Casey as the donor and all the guesses, I considered each of them, except Henry (kind if wish I did now). What do you think of the final choice? ~Ali
Onto Chapter Fourteen...