randomness is random

[georgiamagnolia]

November of 2K4 was when I started working at the bookstore. I have a new minion assistant in the mailroom and realized as I was talking to her today that I have no idea when I started working at the bookstore, so I had to check my journal. Yeah, have I mentioned that in addition to memory issues, my sense of time is really fucked up, yeah, that

Comments

[draycevixen]

I'm sorry that you had such a crappy weekend, petal. ♥

I wanted to check that you know that in most cities there are psychologists who offer counselling priced on a sliding scale based on your income. After all, people do recognize that not everyone who wants/needs therapy can afford 90 dollars an hour, well, fifty minutes.

Usually they're pretty easy to track down. Sometimes you can find them online by doing a google search for your city, mental health services and something like "can't afford it" or you can call your public health department/visit their website and find links.

[georgiamagnolia]

Funny, that is exactly the advice I give so many people I know, clients sometimes. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yes, also working 10a to 7p and this coming into the busy season makes scheduling anything a pain and I won't force myself to clean the house let alone do something even MORE good for me. Ah, yes, that value/worth thing that keeps kicking my ass, thanks for reminding me, no really, I had forgotten that the issue is that forgetting my value, I deserve to be better, to have serotonin that works. Oh damn, thank you, I needed that memory shoved jogged. You are awesome not just for your great fiction but for your timely reminder. cool, huh? (sorry I do not have a lovely Martin icon to answer you back, have this instead) Thanks darlin'.

[teal_cuttlefish]

In Denver, it's MHCD.org. They ask for $30 a visit if you have no insurance.

[georgiamagnolia]

thank you, I do have insurance and today went about finding what my options are with it, but it is limited so I will need this when I run out of insurance, should I get around to calling them, soon.

[georgiamagnolia]

yeah, it just fell in on me for no reason. Better now, and remembering that I actually deserve better than this makes it improve. I treat people I don't even like better than this, you know? Hang in there, we'll make it one way or another.

[jaybohmer]

"When you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!" :) I know it's not that simple. That statement has just been rolling around in what's left of my brain for the last few days, and I had to get it out. Friends will drop you a rope or a ladder. Real friends jump in the hole with you. I have much demo to do in the basement. If it would help you to swing "heavy implements of destruction" for a while, give me a yell. All the best kid.

[georgiamagnolia]

I know. I know. It did make me grin. When you figure out that 'stop digging' thing, you let me know how it goes.

I'd love to partake of the destruction, however I know that will be very very bad. Do you know that bowling will flare the HS? FUCKING BOWLING. I love bowling and can't do it anymore. Sucks. So swinging sledge hammers is right out. Fuck.

(and carrying heavy shopping bags also flares the HS, the stupidist shit flares that fucking illness. Grrr.)

[jaybohmer]

Ok, so you drink the tequila and supervise...

[georgiamagnolia]

HA HA HA. Right, like that ever works out well for me! Love ya anyway.

[labelleizzy]

My goal in such situations: breathe. be calm. ride out the doldrums, the winds will come again to blow in your sails. Let yourself feel what it is, and then let it pass away from you.

Hope things improve soon.

[georgiamagnolia]

Things will improve, I just need to be patient. I have been wanting things to improve for a couple years now, it just takes more energy than I have to do the improving. It just all went swirly when my uncle died and then my sister getting murdered and then my dad dying and I don't seem to be getting my feet under me again. I will remember to breathe, some days that is a good goal to keep breathing. Thanks for your kindness.

[jirel]

What I usually hang onto in this situation is that "its not permanent" or/and "it always gets better". Having said that - you are talking chronic depression here. The wonderful thing about finding the right anti depression medication is that you stop going down. Its really nice not to have to fight all the time. The bad thing is that its a crap shoot until you find the right one and we ARE talking trial and error here. My GP actually gets the drugs for me. I don't know if that's something they can do now or if its based on the fact that I had some prescribed for me back in the '90s

[georgiamagnolia]

In my mid-twenties and off and on until my mid-thirties I took Paxil with success, but getting back on the drugs will actually take doctor appointments and stuff and things and I am tired. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, seasonal affective disorder, PTSD, it's not like I am unfamiliar with the issues. In fact it is because I am so aware of the issue that I am frustrated, I have dug myself out of this before (well, ok, it wasn't three deaths so close together but the pit was as deep, certainly) and I know I should be able to do it again. I am just frustrated and sometimes need to get the bitching out of my head and somewhere where I can deal with it separate from inside my head. And I did look my insurance up to day to see what options I have in regards to therapy, so that was a step that made me feel better. And the antidepressants (the one I was on) didn't make me feel drugged or some other negative thing, I just now must convince myself that I want to go to the doctor. Thank you for sharing your own experience

[jirel]

No problem talking about it, I firmly believe more people need to understand that depression is no more "untalkable about" or "not normal" than diabetes (which I also have). I wish I were more upbeat for you but I haven't been "normal" for over 3 years even with pills so I can't be that optimistic. But my situation is unique to me and complicated by a lack of any family.