You know how all artists suck? Of course you do. Let's call a spade a spade here. Now, I'm not talking about people who like doing art; I'm talking about people who, when filling out their occupation on an administrative form, would plug the word 'artist' into the box (and they'd probably write it all swirly too, or dot the 'i' with a circle or ( Read more... )

I have no emotion left. Emotion, it turns out, is not a renewable resource, and I've exhausted all my reserves. My last few days in Toronto - those thrilling, action-packed, agonizing, inspirational days - took a mighty toll. The Stanley Cup Finals - that thrilling, action-packed, agonizing, inspirational contest - finished the job ( Read more... )

I’ve figured out what I like. And that’s half the battle. It might be more than half the battle, only the more you start talking about what fraction of the battle it is, the less meaningful it becomes. Everyone understands half the battle. Nobody understands 5/8ths of the battle. Nobody even knows what the battle is or what constitutes winning or ( Read more... )

Below is a list of the top 10 reasons why I'm no longer going to wash my hands after using the bathroom.

1. It's f'ing boring

The end

The other day, as we were walking towards the house, we found an injured little thrush in our front yard that was stuck on its back and couldn't move. It was late in the evening and the animal shelter was closed, so we kept it in a padded box with some grains and water until morning, and tucked it in with a piece of my brother's pair old pair of ( Read more... )

Against my better judgment, I make this entry. I can stay quiet no longer. The cruel and unusual practice that I must speak of here has dissolved entirely every shred of hope I once had that perhaps there does exist some sliver of good in this cruel and wretched world that we inherit. Yet I am not it's only victim - nay! Tales of its tyrnanny ( Read more... )

Oopsy-daisy, it appears I accidentally posted all of the below as a private entry. What a cretin ( Read more... )

A pony walks into the doctor's office. Poor thing is in pretty rough shape! "Doctor, doctor!" he cries when he enters, "I think there's something wrong with me - I have this sore throat that just won't go away ( Read more... )

I was setting the table for dinner the evening I arrived in Jersey. I took out four placemats - and then remembered I only needed three. I took out four plates - and then remembered I only needed three. I took out four sets of knives and forks…and then remembered I only needed three ( Read more... )

I blew my nose today, and it came out black. It really did. That’s how bad the pollution is here. When you blow your freaking nose, it comes out black. Send away your index finger nasal miners, friends! These caverns have long since been plundered of their plump golden nuggets ( Read more... )