Private - LA LA LA IGNORING THE SUBJECTvictimofnooneJune 16 2010, 06:53:15 UTC
Normally I would agree and go off about how the Admiral's a jerk who loves seeing us suffer? But he actually did something nice for me not that long ago, so.. I feel like I owe him a couple months of gratitude or whatever.
[Hayley keeps walking with him, eyes on the ground. One hand dips into her pocket to clench Harvey's coin in her palm, having a hard time listening to Ned's words. She's not good at facing the truth and even worse at trying to reconcile Ned saying he's loyal to her and he understands her, but doesn't condone what she's done. It depresses her and, as they arrive at the CES, she stops again. Harvey had come to know Hayley over time, on her terms. The idea that any person could instantly know so much about her felt like a betrayal to begin with. She remembers feeling the same when she found out Pavel had read it as well. The girl stares at Digby for a moment, finally speaking to Ned. Her voice is much quieter and softer than usual.]
"I don't know if I can do this right now." [She's still not moving. Hayley's trying to give him a chance, but she's already upset. A million emotions are stirring around inside her head now and it's becoming more and more difficult to suppress and ignore them, to hide them beneath sarcasm and a roll of her
I... [He bites his lip, his eyebrows lifting. He's a ball of nerves, and he knows it. Closing his eyes for a moment, he takes a breath, then releases it. When he looks at her again, he's ironed out some of the fluttery tension, and he seems calmer.]
Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you. I'll, ah. Shall I walk you back to your room? If you'd like.
[Hayley still won't look up from Digby, who's now pressing his nose into her hand. She puts her other hand in her pocket as well, having a hard time being hurt and angry when Ned sounds just as offended as she does without real justification. It's not even fair.]
"Why did you read my file?" [She sighs, shifting awkwardly and finally looking up at Ned. Her mouth is even and her eyebrows are only vaguely pulled together in a hint of hurt.] "I mean, I know you had to read it eventually.. but you didn't even talk to me first. Not as my warden, anyway."
[Of all the issues he could've expected Haley to raise, this was the last he'd ever imagine. He blinks, surprised] Why did I - ? Because I'm your warden. It was given to me, to help me understand... to help me help you [he corrects.] I didn't think I should've... you would've rather I spoke to you? I - to be honest, I don't know that it would've changed too much.
[The words don't reassure her much, though she takes note of his honesty. Knowing that the conversation they need to have can either happen now or later, Hayley takes a deep breath and walks into the CES, hands still in her pockets and posture still closed off. After all, maybe this is what it's like to have a proper warden.
She waits for him only a few feet into the room, eyes fixed on a random spot ahead of them just to avoid looking at Ned again. Her mood is thrashed and she doesn't really feel like speaking, but she wants to get the questions over with so she can go back to avoiding the issues--and Ned--for awhile after this.]
[Digby bounds into the CES and across the windswept plain, ears blowing in the sharp, briny wind. Ned steps in beside Haley, looking out on the scene. He is silent for a long moment, trying to think how best to reach out to her, what to say. He breathes deeply, taking in a lungful of the sea air. Ned's eyes clothes, and his expression smooths somewhat. Without really thinking, he opens them, asking]
Do you ever miss being alive? I mean, really alive, not... whatever this is.
[Hayley looks out at the sea or ocean or whatever the Barge means for the body of water to be, watching it lick at the shores and fall back into itself. The question used to be an extremely easy one with no hesitation to answer. Ever since Harvey's note, however, she's been thinking about it more and more and trying to come up with reasons to go back; Harvey was definitely the reason she wants to graduate now, but her answer to the question remains the same.] "Not really. I miss small things, like my own bathroom and new music, but that's about it."
[Ned paused for a moment, thinking about it. What did he miss? He could really only think of one thing that eclipsed all the others. He'd spent many nights curled up in his bed, thinking about Chuck - the girl he loved but could not touch. Some days were better than others; sometimes he went days on end without thinking about her, other days the missing-her was as fierce as a wound. His tone, when he spoke, was thoughtful]
It's mostly just people I miss. And even then, it's just two or three. I was, uh. A bit of a loner, I guess.
[Not strictly true - if he was being honest, he'd say 'lonely', but 'loner' implied choice in the matter. It seemed less pathetic.]
"I don't miss anyone from home." [She replied without missing a beat and without qualm. The girl then ran her thumb over the coin in her pocket. There was only one person in her mind truly worth missing, despite her crush on Pavel and friendship with some of the other people she had crossed paths with here. Everyone leaving just felt like a betrayal somehow.
Turning to face Ned again, Hayley gently nudged Digby away from her with her elbow. She was not in the mood to be affectionate in any way, but almost felt bad when his expression dropped and the Retriever sat next to her as a statement of defiance. She lifted her eyes to meet her warden's.] "Can we just like, skip the small talk and get to whatever it is you wanted to talk about?"
[Ned looked at her for a long moment. He worried she didn't take him seriously, that she wouldn't trust him, that he would do something terribly wrong - was, in fact, doing it right now - that would ruin their relationship. But he needed to be strong, to not waver in front of Haley. He got the impression she wouldn't respect him if he did - wasn't that what had gone wrong with Bob? And so he asked]
What's important to you, Haley? What is it that you care about? I'm - I'm having a hard time figuring that out.
[These questions were not so expected and harder to answer. The girl's posture didn't change and she bared moved to shift her weight from one foot to the other, but it was obvious that she was thinking. After an extended silence, where she mostly maintained eye contact with him, she finally thought of the best way to describe what it was that she cared about
( ... )
[He had half-expected her to cite justice, but this - it was a start. He couldn't help but feel a slight swell of hope, of willingness. In spite of everything she'd seen and done, in spite of all her sarcasm and anger and fear, it was goodness that she was drawn to. It had to be worth something, he thought. He held her gaze when she locked eyes with him, but when she looked away, he did as well. When he spoke, his voice was soft, accepting
( ... )
[Justice was as empty as anything else without a cause; justice for the sake of justice wasn't really justice anymore. Hayley felt awkward standing there, so she began to walk along the relatively even path above the beach, avoiding the sand, taking slow steps in the beginning until she was sure Ned was walking with her. She couldn't help but smile a bit as Digby went darting ahead.
When Ned held out his jacket, she stared at it for a moment. Yeah, she was a little bit cold, but it wasn't really a gesture she was used to and she felt like accepting it would somehow make her indebted to him. After a pause, more out of obligation than sincere desire, she accepted the offer and slid the over-sized item over her petit form. Then returned her hands to her pockets.] "I didn't. Pavel was a nice guy, but he wasn't really warden material. Wichita was.." [She made a flippant hand gesture.] "..complicated. I mean, she claimed she cared deep down somewhere? But really it was just like, arguments and ultimatums
( ... )
[Ned followed Haley's lead, letting her dictate where they wandered. He was more or less oblivious to her internal struggle over the jacket; to him, a coat was a coat. He worried that the offer had been too familiar, but then she accepted it, and it passed from his mind.
She'd been reticent, she said, to graduate. In a way, he could understand the urge; the desire to remain as one was, to not have to question oneself, to set one's teeth against the bit of the system. And yet there were definite up-sides, as well.]
It'll give you freedom, if you do. Choices. The ability to decide for yourself what you want your life to be. Instead of [he waved his hands vaguely] this mandated, regimented existence. I doubt it'll be easy, but... there's something to be said for being your own person. No Admiral, no wardens. No never knowing what'll happen or who'll be around when the tide changes.
[This was a topic Hayley had thought a lot about, so her ideas and her conclusions came easily.] "Don't you come from a normal city? I mean, do you really think you could go back after something like this? I'm supposed to go home and sit around in college and like, pretend like none of this ever happened while I work at the bookstore to make money to get by? I've been here for months and not having to worry about money or deal with my family or spend every day of my life pretending? It's pretty awesome. Sure, the floods and ports usually suck and it's really fucking traumatizing at times.." [She paused a moment, thrown off by the memory of Jack Tyler murdering her in port, then shook it from her mind.] "..but so is the real world. Here it's like, I know I'll get food, good medical coverage, and a decent place to stay. If this place had more movies, music, and outdoors? There would really be no reason to leave
( ... )
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"I don't know if I can do this right now." [She's still not moving. Hayley's trying to give him a chance, but she's already upset. A million emotions are stirring around inside her head now and it's becoming more and more difficult to suppress and ignore them, to hide them beneath sarcasm and a roll of her
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Okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you. I'll, ah. Shall I walk you back to your room? If you'd like.
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"Why did you read my file?" [She sighs, shifting awkwardly and finally looking up at Ned. Her mouth is even and her eyebrows are only vaguely pulled together in a hint of hurt.] "I mean, I know you had to read it eventually.. but you didn't even talk to me first. Not as my warden, anyway."
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She waits for him only a few feet into the room, eyes fixed on a random spot ahead of them just to avoid looking at Ned again. Her mood is thrashed and she doesn't really feel like speaking, but she wants to get the questions over with so she can go back to avoiding the issues--and Ned--for awhile after this.]
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Do you ever miss being alive? I mean, really alive, not... whatever this is.
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[A pause.] "What about you?"
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It's mostly just people I miss. And even then, it's just two or three. I was, uh. A bit of a loner, I guess.
[Not strictly true - if he was being honest, he'd say 'lonely', but 'loner' implied choice in the matter. It seemed less pathetic.]
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Turning to face Ned again, Hayley gently nudged Digby away from her with her elbow. She was not in the mood to be affectionate in any way, but almost felt bad when his expression dropped and the Retriever sat next to her as a statement of defiance. She lifted her eyes to meet her warden's.] "Can we just like, skip the small talk and get to whatever it is you wanted to talk about?"
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What's important to you, Haley? What is it that you care about? I'm - I'm having a hard time figuring that out.
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When Ned held out his jacket, she stared at it for a moment. Yeah, she was a little bit cold, but it wasn't really a gesture she was used to and she felt like accepting it would somehow make her indebted to him. After a pause, more out of obligation than sincere desire, she accepted the offer and slid the over-sized item over her petit form. Then returned her hands to her pockets.] "I didn't. Pavel was a nice guy, but he wasn't really warden material. Wichita was.." [She made a flippant hand gesture.] "..complicated. I mean, she claimed she cared deep down somewhere? But really it was just like, arguments and ultimatums ( ... )
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She'd been reticent, she said, to graduate. In a way, he could understand the urge; the desire to remain as one was, to not have to question oneself, to set one's teeth against the bit of the system. And yet there were definite up-sides, as well.]
It'll give you freedom, if you do. Choices. The ability to decide for yourself what you want your life to be. Instead of [he waved his hands vaguely] this mandated, regimented existence. I doubt it'll be easy, but... there's something to be said for being your own person. No Admiral, no wardens. No never knowing what'll happen or who'll be around when the tide changes.
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