[This was a topic Hayley had thought a lot about, so her ideas and her conclusions came easily.] "Don't you come from a normal city? I mean, do you really think you could go back after something like this? I'm supposed to go home and sit around in college and like, pretend like none of this ever happened while I work at the bookstore to make money to get by? I've been here for months and not having to worry about money or deal with my family or spend every day of my life pretending? It's pretty awesome. Sure, the floods and ports usually suck and it's really fucking traumatizing at times.." [She paused a moment, thrown off by the memory of Jack Tyler murdering her in port, then shook it from her mind.] "..but so is the real world. Here it's like, I know I'll get food, good medical coverage, and a decent place to stay. If this place had more movies, music, and outdoors? There would really be no reason to leave."
[The thoughts came out as a sort of stream of consciousness. It was an odd sort of sincerity, something she didn't often hand out so freely. As much as she had thought of this, she had never really talked to anyone about it outside of her previous wardens--after weeks--and Harvey.] "And I mean, staying here to warden? I guess it's an option, but I feel like not having a bathroom is a fair trade for not having to deal with an inmate. Most of them are like, evil people.. I mean, legitimately evil people. I couldn't redeem one of those and I'm not sure the whole leadership and trying to change peoples' lives is really my thing in general."
[Amusingly, the idea of facing her past, her beliefs, and her issues were not at all a factor in deciding whether or not she wanted to graduate.]
[Quirking his mouth to the side, Ned admits -] I've really never thought of it that way.
[She makes a valid point. From a pragmatic stand-point, there are definite benefits to an indefinite stay as a prisoner. He thought, for a moment, about what it would take to change that. If the Barge became a worse place, a place that wasn't easy to simply coast in, she wouldn't want to stay - but the idea was discarded as soon as it formed. Ned would never intentionally make someone's life difficult on the gamble that it'd scare them into obedience. It just wasn't his style. He continues speaking.]
I see where you're coming from, but. I just... As okay as this place can be sometimes? It's not real. It's not living.
"So?" [She offered dismissively.] "Who says I want to live?"
[The girl flinched slightly after she said it, knowing it was the kind of remark Harvey would have yelled at her for. Sometimes she meant it, sometimes she just didn't care to work toward the idea of trying to live. Whether this was living or not, even a dream, she had seen things here that she could never possibly explain or forget. The idea of going back to a 'normal' life after this just seemed unfathomable.]
[Ned was struck speechless by her admission. What could he say to something like that? He tried his best to control his expression, but he knew that at least some of his distress and sadness must've shown. It wouldn't help Hayley to feel that he felt sorry for her - in fact, he sensed that would be the absolute wrong thing. But he couldn't felt the twinge of pain he felt.
He rubbed the back of his neck tensely, searching for something to say.]
"You're the only one who can make the decision to. When you're ready, if you ever are. If it's right for you."
[Hayley frowned at Ned's reply, feeling guilty that she had seemingly, unintentionally disheartened him so much. The girl crossed her arms defensively and moved forward, not really wanting them to talk as if they were friends again. She hated these kinds of talks because neither of them enjoyed it and it didn't actually seem to get anything done.]
"It's not like I want to kill myself. I just think that like, one year of dealing with the things that happen here could be considered living more than ten years of working a 9 to 5 job back home."
[The thoughts came out as a sort of stream of consciousness. It was an odd sort of sincerity, something she didn't often hand out so freely. As much as she had thought of this, she had never really talked to anyone about it outside of her previous wardens--after weeks--and Harvey.] "And I mean, staying here to warden? I guess it's an option, but I feel like not having a bathroom is a fair trade for not having to deal with an inmate. Most of them are like, evil people.. I mean, legitimately evil people. I couldn't redeem one of those and I'm not sure the whole leadership and trying to change peoples' lives is really my thing in general."
[Amusingly, the idea of facing her past, her beliefs, and her issues were not at all a factor in deciding whether or not she wanted to graduate.]
Reply
[Quirking his mouth to the side, Ned admits -] I've really never thought of it that way.
[She makes a valid point. From a pragmatic stand-point, there are definite benefits to an indefinite stay as a prisoner. He thought, for a moment, about what it would take to change that. If the Barge became a worse place, a place that wasn't easy to simply coast in, she wouldn't want to stay - but the idea was discarded as soon as it formed. Ned would never intentionally make someone's life difficult on the gamble that it'd scare them into obedience. It just wasn't his style. He continues speaking.]
I see where you're coming from, but. I just... As okay as this place can be sometimes? It's not real. It's not living.
Reply
[The girl flinched slightly after she said it, knowing it was the kind of remark Harvey would have yelled at her for. Sometimes she meant it, sometimes she just didn't care to work toward the idea of trying to live. Whether this was living or not, even a dream, she had seen things here that she could never possibly explain or forget. The idea of going back to a 'normal' life after this just seemed unfathomable.]
Reply
He rubbed the back of his neck tensely, searching for something to say.]
"You're the only one who can make the decision to. When you're ready, if you ever are. If it's right for you."
Reply
"It's not like I want to kill myself. I just think that like, one year of dealing with the things that happen here could be considered living more than ten years of working a 9 to 5 job back home."
Reply
Leave a comment