[These questions were not so expected and harder to answer. The girl's posture didn't change and she bared moved to shift her weight from one foot to the other, but it was obvious that she was thinking. After an extended silence, where she mostly maintained eye contact with him, she finally thought of the best way to describe what it was that she cared about.]
"Innocence." [It was why she did what she did. It was something she had lost long ago and could never reclaim. It was why she didn't care for so many of the people here and could almost never trust so many. After a pause, because there were a few people she genuinely cared about that hadn't maintained their innocence either:] "And good people."
[She hated being so honest with him and so vulnerable. It was natural instinct to protect herself and opening up so much to someone that already knew so much about her when she knew almost nothing about him? It felt dangerous, to say the least. Then again, Hayley hadn't felt safe in months. She still had nightmares from her death and was finding more and more often that Jack couldn't find the hole that Harvey had left, no matter how great he was.]
[He had half-expected her to cite justice, but this - it was a start. He couldn't help but feel a slight swell of hope, of willingness. In spite of everything she'd seen and done, in spite of all her sarcasm and anger and fear, it was goodness that she was drawn to. It had to be worth something, he thought. He held her gaze when she locked eyes with him, but when she looked away, he did as well. When he spoke, his voice was soft, accepting.]
Okay. [He couldn't think of anything other response to her admission that wouldn't belittle her honesty, and so he was silent for a moment before broaching a slightly different topic]
I - I don't know too much about what your past experiences with your wardens have been like, but I wanted... I wondered, that is. Do you want to graduate? [he rushed to qualify the question] I know that might seem like an idiotic question, but some people... don't. For whatever reason. [During this speech, he shrugged off his suit jacket and held it out to Haley. It was colder today than he'd expected, and he would be fine without it]
[Justice was as empty as anything else without a cause; justice for the sake of justice wasn't really justice anymore. Hayley felt awkward standing there, so she began to walk along the relatively even path above the beach, avoiding the sand, taking slow steps in the beginning until she was sure Ned was walking with her. She couldn't help but smile a bit as Digby went darting ahead.
When Ned held out his jacket, she stared at it for a moment. Yeah, she was a little bit cold, but it wasn't really a gesture she was used to and she felt like accepting it would somehow make her indebted to him. After a pause, more out of obligation than sincere desire, she accepted the offer and slid the over-sized item over her petit form. Then returned her hands to her pockets.] "I didn't. Pavel was a nice guy, but he wasn't really warden material. Wichita was.." [She made a flippant hand gesture.] "..complicated. I mean, she claimed she cared deep down somewhere? But really it was just like, arguments and ultimatums."
[It was a subtle hint that Ned should avoid those things.] "Now?.. I don't know. I think I should graduate, but I'm still not sure if I want to, really."
[Ned followed Haley's lead, letting her dictate where they wandered. He was more or less oblivious to her internal struggle over the jacket; to him, a coat was a coat. He worried that the offer had been too familiar, but then she accepted it, and it passed from his mind.
She'd been reticent, she said, to graduate. In a way, he could understand the urge; the desire to remain as one was, to not have to question oneself, to set one's teeth against the bit of the system. And yet there were definite up-sides, as well.]
It'll give you freedom, if you do. Choices. The ability to decide for yourself what you want your life to be. Instead of [he waved his hands vaguely] this mandated, regimented existence. I doubt it'll be easy, but... there's something to be said for being your own person. No Admiral, no wardens. No never knowing what'll happen or who'll be around when the tide changes.
[This was a topic Hayley had thought a lot about, so her ideas and her conclusions came easily.] "Don't you come from a normal city? I mean, do you really think you could go back after something like this? I'm supposed to go home and sit around in college and like, pretend like none of this ever happened while I work at the bookstore to make money to get by? I've been here for months and not having to worry about money or deal with my family or spend every day of my life pretending? It's pretty awesome. Sure, the floods and ports usually suck and it's really fucking traumatizing at times.." [She paused a moment, thrown off by the memory of Jack Tyler murdering her in port, then shook it from her mind.] "..but so is the real world. Here it's like, I know I'll get food, good medical coverage, and a decent place to stay. If this place had more movies, music, and outdoors? There would really be no reason to leave."
[The thoughts came out as a sort of stream of consciousness. It was an odd sort of sincerity, something she didn't often hand out so freely. As much as she had thought of this, she had never really talked to anyone about it outside of her previous wardens--after weeks--and Harvey.] "And I mean, staying here to warden? I guess it's an option, but I feel like not having a bathroom is a fair trade for not having to deal with an inmate. Most of them are like, evil people.. I mean, legitimately evil people. I couldn't redeem one of those and I'm not sure the whole leadership and trying to change peoples' lives is really my thing in general."
[Amusingly, the idea of facing her past, her beliefs, and her issues were not at all a factor in deciding whether or not she wanted to graduate.]
[Quirking his mouth to the side, Ned admits -] I've really never thought of it that way.
[She makes a valid point. From a pragmatic stand-point, there are definite benefits to an indefinite stay as a prisoner. He thought, for a moment, about what it would take to change that. If the Barge became a worse place, a place that wasn't easy to simply coast in, she wouldn't want to stay - but the idea was discarded as soon as it formed. Ned would never intentionally make someone's life difficult on the gamble that it'd scare them into obedience. It just wasn't his style. He continues speaking.]
I see where you're coming from, but. I just... As okay as this place can be sometimes? It's not real. It's not living.
"So?" [She offered dismissively.] "Who says I want to live?"
[The girl flinched slightly after she said it, knowing it was the kind of remark Harvey would have yelled at her for. Sometimes she meant it, sometimes she just didn't care to work toward the idea of trying to live. Whether this was living or not, even a dream, she had seen things here that she could never possibly explain or forget. The idea of going back to a 'normal' life after this just seemed unfathomable.]
[Ned was struck speechless by her admission. What could he say to something like that? He tried his best to control his expression, but he knew that at least some of his distress and sadness must've shown. It wouldn't help Hayley to feel that he felt sorry for her - in fact, he sensed that would be the absolute wrong thing. But he couldn't felt the twinge of pain he felt.
He rubbed the back of his neck tensely, searching for something to say.]
"You're the only one who can make the decision to. When you're ready, if you ever are. If it's right for you."
[Hayley frowned at Ned's reply, feeling guilty that she had seemingly, unintentionally disheartened him so much. The girl crossed her arms defensively and moved forward, not really wanting them to talk as if they were friends again. She hated these kinds of talks because neither of them enjoyed it and it didn't actually seem to get anything done.]
"It's not like I want to kill myself. I just think that like, one year of dealing with the things that happen here could be considered living more than ten years of working a 9 to 5 job back home."
"Innocence." [It was why she did what she did. It was something she had lost long ago and could never reclaim. It was why she didn't care for so many of the people here and could almost never trust so many. After a pause, because there were a few people she genuinely cared about that hadn't maintained their innocence either:] "And good people."
[She hated being so honest with him and so vulnerable. It was natural instinct to protect herself and opening up so much to someone that already knew so much about her when she knew almost nothing about him? It felt dangerous, to say the least. Then again, Hayley hadn't felt safe in months. She still had nightmares from her death and was finding more and more often that Jack couldn't find the hole that Harvey had left, no matter how great he was.]
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Okay. [He couldn't think of anything other response to her admission that wouldn't belittle her honesty, and so he was silent for a moment before broaching a slightly different topic]
I - I don't know too much about what your past experiences with your wardens have been like, but I wanted... I wondered, that is. Do you want to graduate? [he rushed to qualify the question] I know that might seem like an idiotic question, but some people... don't. For whatever reason. [During this speech, he shrugged off his suit jacket and held it out to Haley. It was colder today than he'd expected, and he would be fine without it]
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When Ned held out his jacket, she stared at it for a moment. Yeah, she was a little bit cold, but it wasn't really a gesture she was used to and she felt like accepting it would somehow make her indebted to him. After a pause, more out of obligation than sincere desire, she accepted the offer and slid the over-sized item over her petit form. Then returned her hands to her pockets.] "I didn't. Pavel was a nice guy, but he wasn't really warden material. Wichita was.." [She made a flippant hand gesture.] "..complicated. I mean, she claimed she cared deep down somewhere? But really it was just like, arguments and ultimatums."
[It was a subtle hint that Ned should avoid those things.] "Now?.. I don't know. I think I should graduate, but I'm still not sure if I want to, really."
Reply
She'd been reticent, she said, to graduate. In a way, he could understand the urge; the desire to remain as one was, to not have to question oneself, to set one's teeth against the bit of the system. And yet there were definite up-sides, as well.]
It'll give you freedom, if you do. Choices. The ability to decide for yourself what you want your life to be. Instead of [he waved his hands vaguely] this mandated, regimented existence. I doubt it'll be easy, but... there's something to be said for being your own person. No Admiral, no wardens. No never knowing what'll happen or who'll be around when the tide changes.
Reply
[The thoughts came out as a sort of stream of consciousness. It was an odd sort of sincerity, something she didn't often hand out so freely. As much as she had thought of this, she had never really talked to anyone about it outside of her previous wardens--after weeks--and Harvey.] "And I mean, staying here to warden? I guess it's an option, but I feel like not having a bathroom is a fair trade for not having to deal with an inmate. Most of them are like, evil people.. I mean, legitimately evil people. I couldn't redeem one of those and I'm not sure the whole leadership and trying to change peoples' lives is really my thing in general."
[Amusingly, the idea of facing her past, her beliefs, and her issues were not at all a factor in deciding whether or not she wanted to graduate.]
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[Quirking his mouth to the side, Ned admits -] I've really never thought of it that way.
[She makes a valid point. From a pragmatic stand-point, there are definite benefits to an indefinite stay as a prisoner. He thought, for a moment, about what it would take to change that. If the Barge became a worse place, a place that wasn't easy to simply coast in, she wouldn't want to stay - but the idea was discarded as soon as it formed. Ned would never intentionally make someone's life difficult on the gamble that it'd scare them into obedience. It just wasn't his style. He continues speaking.]
I see where you're coming from, but. I just... As okay as this place can be sometimes? It's not real. It's not living.
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[The girl flinched slightly after she said it, knowing it was the kind of remark Harvey would have yelled at her for. Sometimes she meant it, sometimes she just didn't care to work toward the idea of trying to live. Whether this was living or not, even a dream, she had seen things here that she could never possibly explain or forget. The idea of going back to a 'normal' life after this just seemed unfathomable.]
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He rubbed the back of his neck tensely, searching for something to say.]
"You're the only one who can make the decision to. When you're ready, if you ever are. If it's right for you."
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"It's not like I want to kill myself. I just think that like, one year of dealing with the things that happen here could be considered living more than ten years of working a 9 to 5 job back home."
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