I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Okay! After the success of the KAT-TUN pimp, I actually had performance anxiety about this one, but I did promise Everything You Wanted To Know About Boybands But Had Too Many Standards To Ask Not Just The Super-Slutty Ones. So, part two --
NEWS has eight members. I just want to get that out of the way right now, because some people see their number and think "oh my god," not "oh my god, what a great orgy," which is the proper attitude here.
If KAT-TUN is fucking in various sweaty combinations at any given time, then NEWS is carrying on with a quiet love affair. They're cheerful, dorky, upbeat -- like your collective older brother, if your older brother was hot and more successful than you and Japanese.
so let's see them move it, move it.
The music video that made me a NEWS fangirl. Cute! Happy! Watergay!
-- aaand the video that almost scared me away again. I asked a friend, in horror, "Are they wearing curtains," and she replied, "I think they're my grandmother's curtains."
Luckily for us, they got attractive. We're ignoring Yamapi's alien poodle hair, okay.
BEST CLIP-SEGMENT-THINGIE EVER. Subbed in English, even! NEWS is given blindfolds and voice-altering mics so they can spill their group's secrets without fear... in front of a live audience of screaming fangirls. A+++ reccomended, you can't not love them after this. ♥ ♥ ♥
Unfortunately, NEWS has a dirty little not-so-secret. It's... well, you know how I said they were like your collective older brother? And you know how older brothers can be really, really stupid sometimes? D:
NEWS was suspended for eight months in 2006 after two members were caught drinking underage. (Did you know boybands could be suspended? Welcome to Japan.) They made their triumphant return at the beginning of this year -- sans the two drunks. Those two are being officially regarded as "trainees."
Basically this just means they're on bitch duty for a little while. :D
Sayaendou is an awesome song. Do you know what "sayaendou" means? Peas. As you watch these videos, keep in mind that excited chorus is a group of what constitutes legal adults singing "we are COMPLETELY PEAS!"
-- pre-suspension, the official video was a One Piece AMV.
-- post-suspension, we have ANIMATED CHIBI PIRATE NEWS looting and sailing and getting bukkake'd by an octopus. Massu has a pig on his head. Our canon is a beautiful thing.
members! aka: how this post streamrolled over 2000 words.
Ryo: The Dick
I'm sure we've all known someone who's only mean and biting as a self-defense mechanism to hide the vulnerable woobie underneath.
Ryo might be that guy, but he'd kill you and maim the body and make fun of your hair on national television before he'd admit it. ♥
Ryo, see, is a very special kind of asshole. He's an asshole who cares. He's mean and snarky and mocking and possibly makes people cry and the juniors live in fear of his "poison tongue" -- for the sake of my brain, let's not get into why, apparently, underage backdancers are thinking about Ryo's tongue -- but all this is just his way of expressing affection. He's into the third grade, pigtail-pulling kind of love, Ryo.
Possibly this is because he's as short as a third grader himself.
*RUNS FOR LIFE*
This is what all interviews should aspire to be. First words:
Kame: It's a special piece today! A cross talk with Ryo; it's a very fresh atmosphere!
Ryo: Shut up.
And here's another one. Calling himself a sexy Osaka man? Telling a crying Jin, "FatJin, it's about time you diet, ne?" THIS IS CLASSIC RYO RIGHT HERE.
He is also fond of ironic hats.
The performance that made me a Ryo fan.
Bet you can't guess why. :D :D :D
Uchi: The Princess
Uchi, on the other hand, is a complete and utter girl. (This is why he doesn't have a naked picture.) He's skinny and delicate and he whines and bitches and has this really weird fixation on his mother -- I'm not making this up, he says his mother is his type -- and it's awesome.
Unfortunately, Uchi was the first drinker, suspended in 2005. We have to live through old clips and interviews until he returns to us. D:
UCHI RUNS FROM DOGS, SHRIEKING HIS HEAD OFF. This will never not be absolutely hilarious. I laughed until I cried.
Not kidding about his girliness! Witness the yell when a fish doesn't even flop that near him!
Ryo/Uchi = OTP. ...opposites attract.
*In which they stage an almost-kiss.
*And prove they make good daddies. Not just in the kinky way, either.
*Feeding each other seafood in the most pornographic way possible! The expressions on their bandmates' faces, oh my god.
I think that's a good note to end Uchi on. >:D
Tego: The Baby
Though not the youngest, Tego is totally the baby of NEWS. He's adorable and sweet, respectful to his senpai -- also I consider it a great disappointment that this obedience and adoration for his elders hadn't produced some kinky porn, just, y'know, FYI -- and everyone loves to, well, not quite dote, but rather throw at him scraps of attention and the occasional inter-band grope. Much to my delight. What?
This past year, Tego cut his hair and started smoldering and learned some interesting new things to do with his hips.
We're all going to hell. *thumbs up*
You ~World Is Yours~, aka the solo that spawned a thousand lusts, because Tego can actually carry a tune and he does it with held notes and breathy choruses and intense-slash-sweaty looks and mmm. What was I saying? *___*
In which Tego knocks the shit out of Shige. If that hammer hadn't been plastic, Shige would be dead. Don't mess with the baby, man, or he will fuck your shit up.
While NEWS was on hiatus, Tego and his boyfriend, Massu, were teamed up to release a single under the name "TegoMass" (what's that? oh yeah, that's an officially sanctioned namesquish). They did this in Sweden. The song was entirely in English. You can find the groundbreaking lyrics to "Miso Soup" here.
God bless Japan.
Massu: The Lurker of Dark Alleyways ^___^
Massu!! Massu Massu Massu. Massu is cheerful and beaming and has a million-watt smile. He is also a huge pervert. This is a quality I admire in my men. ♥ I, um, probably should've involved pictoral evidence of the Blinding Grin, it's the easiest way to recognize him in the Crowd of Hotness that is NEWS, but I really just wanted to make a point about his bod. Look at it. Look. You could pop that monster muscle vein if you tried.
Feeling himself up in a nurse's uniform. Hey, if I looked like Massu, I'd be narcissistic too.
Gay crossdress roleplay with an underage junior. God, I love my canon. *___*
Solo perf! "It's Bad." (THAT'S ITS NAME, NOT A COMMENTARY.) Massu gives the most violent hip thrusts I've ever seen, it's like he decided, "Yamapi can make fangirls swoon? Well, I'll just knock them the fuck out." Seriously. It's -- wow.
Shige: The Unsung Hottie, aka Kato Shigeaki is Not An Extra
Shige is gorgeous. No one loves Shige. Look this up in the dictionary under "unfair."
Shige is smart and dorky and good-looking and fond of REALLY HOT GLASSES c'mon, megane porn! you know you want to write me megane porn! and he's flamingly gay with Koyama and did I mention the part where he's SMART. UNIVERSITY STUDENT, Y'ALL. Where is the smut.
... okay, so Shige is hot, but sometimes a man should stay a man and not a geisha. (Check out Koyama actually, literally spitting out his rice at the sight. ftw, Shige. ftw.)
Team Yamapi vs. team Ryo for hilarious and completely random challenges. Yamapi has a unique way of distracting Shige into losing, and by "unique" I mean like "indecent exposure."
Translations of his jweb. This is where 99% of Shige fans get their start, because he? Is One Of Us. I mean, it's a blog skljfldjfk seriously I don't know how to convey the level of CUTE and DORK and CUTE that Shige hands out through updates like CANDY -- he talks about everything from Van Gogh to Paris Hilton, he calls his parents Shigemama and Shigepapa, he has dreams about ponies. He has has an ongoing battle against caterpillars ("Kato Shigeaki hates this guy more than anything else"). He can't get the attention of a girl on the train. He attempts to explain Johnny's to a foreign professor -- IN ENGLISH. It is so beautiful. MARRY ME, SHIGE. ♥ ♥ ♥
Also, as you're reading, you may notice that sometimes Shige talks in third person through his cat.
The cat is not real.
Shige does not have a cat.
Don't ponder this too deeply -- that Shige talks through a cat that isn't there, that Shige's cat has a name and a personality and a potty mouth and wants to be set up on gay cat dates with Koyama's cat despite the fact no such cat exists --
...
You guys, at least he's pretty.
Koyama: The Screamer Talker
KOYAMA = BEST FANBOY EVER. He loves to talk (and I'm talkin' loves; he hosts, he MCs, he always winds up dominating the stage through 182mph speech, even when he's not supposed to) and he's just so friendly and outgoing and up for anything -- cosplay, bouncing around shamelessly in a cheerleader's uniform, YOU NAME IT. omg I love Koyama so much, he is ridiculous and flaily and ADORABLE. ♥ ♥ ♥
And yes, the third picture is a kitty outfit.
Koyama likes that sort of thing. >:D
Before there was NEWS, Koyama, Kusano, and (Kato) Shige were in a junior group together. Can you guess what they were called? No, really. Go ahead. Guess.
This is a clip from Koyama's "date" (aka a camera following him around as Koyama goes all the places he'd take a girl on a date had he been straight), when a surprise idol spotting makes him flail and yell and honest-to-god spaz. A+ RECCOMENDED TO FEEL THE ABSURD KOYAMA LOVE.
Don't forget, he and Shige are absolutely, ridiculously OTP. "Member love," says Koyama. "Having copious amounts of hot, sweaty sex through the backdoor," says I.
Kusano: The Other Drunk
Kusano, as you can see, can bounce that ass. He's also the actual youngest of the group (born 1988, so you can feel properly pedophilic and self-loathing now -- no, no need to thank me!) and he is such a BOY, I mean, he's funny and mischevious and likes to play pranks, and I bet he can fart with his armpits and stuff. (I'm painting such an appealing picture of Kusano, seriously.)
He was the second (and last) drinker. He was suspended in January, and NEWS itself was put on its little hiatus in May.
If he couldn't move his hips so nicely, I'd be pissed. XD
This is the solo that gif comes from. It's called She's All Mine, and includes passable English lyrics!
A group performance of their song Fiesta, in which you get to see Kusano's mad dance skillz even more. Seriously, the ass, she is quite bouncy.
Tego, Kusano, Massu and Shige as singing princesses. This is very -- yeah. Blame Japan. XD
And now, the one you've been waiting for...
YAMAPI
Yamapi is my absolute favorite jboy out of the entire jboy lot. He sings! He dances! He can be paired with approximately three-fourths of Johnny's Entertainment! I'll try to keep my pimping brief, but oh my god, he almost got his own post, I love this man that much. *____*
The half-naked showering may have something to do with the love.
You know Hard Gay, the strange, leather-donning middle-aged man who encourages schoolchildren to spank him? THIS IS YAMAPI DRESSING IN HIS OUTFIT. DURING A NEWS CONCERT. KJAHSKSJKD.
Performance of his solo single "Daite Senorita," with -- wait for it -- a surprise guest. I'll give you a hint: they've slept together.
... wait, that doesn't narrow it down at all, does it?
Yamapi's acting endeavors:
Gay artist.
Gay emo kid.
Gay virgin.
Gay student who literally sells himself to his scruffy older ex-biker sensei for an education.
Gay schoolboy.
Gay con artist.
Gay samurai.
Gay time-traveller.
As you can see, he enjoys interesting and diverse roles.
Pi kept himself busy during the hiatus, oh yes. This time, he got himself a harem duo of Thai brothers, Golf and Mike, and they sang very fruity songs while decked in the best ruffled floral trainwreck fashion money could buy.
M: Are your underpants cute?
Y: Nope, my underpants today are really ordinary... (-stands up to shows, but they're all-black boxershorts-) See, not cute at all. It's nothing to laughs about. (-laughs-)
G: (in Japanese:) But Yamashita-san's underpants are really sexy.
LET ME. A porn song if there ever was one -- see lyrics -- only with fur:
NEWS loves Yamapi's boobs; you should, too!
No, seriously, they really like his boobs.
Q5. Please give one good point about Yamashita Tomohisa!
Yamashita Tomohisa: Is just one fine? Well, I'm passionate about friendship!
Koyama Keiichirou: Boobs
Nishikido Ryou: Nasal voice
Katou Shigeaki: Sparkly
Kusano Hironori: There's a gap
Masuda Takahisa: Radiance
Tegoshi Yuuya: Cleavage
pichan_daccha, translations of Pi's jweb. He discusses deep and life-changing issues, such as food, the ingenuity of toilet paper rolls, food, "Americans hug when they greet each other! The cultural difference is amazing!", and also food.
And the number one reason you should love Yamapi? His name is Yamashita Tomohisa, right, except as a junior he always used to wear pink, so a fuckbuddy senpai took Yama and Pi and christened him Yamapi. This is now his name. I mean, it's what everyone calls him, even magazines. Some friends take it a step further and shorten it to Pi.
His entire existance revolves around the color pink.
*IS SO RIDICULOUSLY IN LOVE*
Oh, wait! Moriuchi.
NEWS actually debuted with nine members, but Moriuchi left after just one single. He's mostly a vague, monkey-like blur in our fangirl memory.
You can now find him fronting a rock band.
... Seriously.
Oh my god, that was so tl;dr. Where's my gay?
(Ryo's kind of a slut. Raise your hand if this surprises you in any way.)
(Orgylove is the best love of all!)
And, just in case you forget who they are --
LOVE THEM OR PERISH IN A JOYLESS, NEWS-LESS WORLD.
NEWS has eight members. I just want to get that out of the way right now, because some people see their number and think "oh my god," not "oh my god, what a great orgy," which is the proper attitude here.
If KAT-TUN is fucking in various sweaty combinations at any given time, then NEWS is carrying on with a quiet love affair. They're cheerful, dorky, upbeat -- like your collective older brother, if your older brother was hot and more successful than you and Japanese.
so let's see them move it, move it.
NEWS was suspended for eight months in 2006 after two members were caught drinking underage. (Did you know boybands could be suspended? Welcome to Japan.) They made their triumphant return at the beginning of this year -- sans the two drunks. Those two are being officially regarded as "trainees."
Basically this just means they're on bitch duty for a little while. :D
-- pre-suspension, the official video was a One Piece AMV.
-- post-suspension, we have ANIMATED CHIBI PIRATE NEWS looting and sailing and getting bukkake'd by an octopus. Massu has a pig on his head. Our canon is a beautiful thing.
members! aka: how this post streamrolled over 2000 words.
Ryo: The Dick
I'm sure we've all known someone who's only mean and biting as a self-defense mechanism to hide the vulnerable woobie underneath.
Ryo might be that guy, but he'd kill you and maim the body and make fun of your hair on national television before he'd admit it. ♥
Ryo, see, is a very special kind of asshole. He's an asshole who cares. He's mean and snarky and mocking and possibly makes people cry and the juniors live in fear of his "poison tongue" -- for the sake of my brain, let's not get into why, apparently, underage backdancers are thinking about Ryo's tongue -- but all this is just his way of expressing affection. He's into the third grade, pigtail-pulling kind of love, Ryo.
Possibly this is because he's as short as a third grader himself.
*RUNS FOR LIFE*
Kame: It's a special piece today! A cross talk with Ryo; it's a very fresh atmosphere!
Ryo: Shut up.
Bet you can't guess why. :D :D :D
Uchi: The Princess
Uchi, on the other hand, is a complete and utter girl. (This is why he doesn't have a naked picture.) He's skinny and delicate and he whines and bitches and has this really weird fixation on his mother -- I'm not making this up, he says his mother is his type -- and it's awesome.
Unfortunately, Uchi was the first drinker, suspended in 2005. We have to live through old clips and interviews until he returns to us. D:
*In which they stage an almost-kiss.
*And prove they make good daddies. Not just in the kinky way, either.
*Feeding each other seafood in the most pornographic way possible! The expressions on their bandmates' faces, oh my god.
I think that's a good note to end Uchi on. >:D
Tego: The Baby
Though not the youngest, Tego is totally the baby of NEWS. He's adorable and sweet, respectful to his senpai -- also I consider it a great disappointment that this obedience and adoration for his elders hadn't produced some kinky porn, just, y'know, FYI -- and everyone loves to, well, not quite dote, but rather throw at him scraps of attention and the occasional inter-band grope. Much to my delight. What?
This past year, Tego cut his hair and started smoldering and learned some interesting new things to do with his hips.
We're all going to hell. *thumbs up*
God bless Japan.
Massu: The Lurker of Dark Alleyways ^___^
Massu!! Massu Massu Massu. Massu is cheerful and beaming and has a million-watt smile. He is also a huge pervert. This is a quality I admire in my men. ♥ I, um, probably should've involved pictoral evidence of the Blinding Grin, it's the easiest way to recognize him in the Crowd of Hotness that is NEWS, but I really just wanted to make a point about his bod. Look at it. Look. You could pop that monster muscle vein if you tried.
Shige: The Unsung Hottie, aka Kato Shigeaki is Not An Extra
Shige is gorgeous. No one loves Shige. Look this up in the dictionary under "unfair."
Shige is smart and dorky and good-looking and fond of REALLY HOT GLASSES c'mon, megane porn! you know you want to write me megane porn! and he's flamingly gay with Koyama and did I mention the part where he's SMART. UNIVERSITY STUDENT, Y'ALL. Where is the smut.
Also, as you're reading, you may notice that sometimes Shige talks in third person through his cat.
The cat is not real.
Shige does not have a cat.
Don't ponder this too deeply -- that Shige talks through a cat that isn't there, that Shige's cat has a name and a personality and a potty mouth and wants to be set up on gay cat dates with Koyama's cat despite the fact no such cat exists --
...
You guys, at least he's pretty.
Koyama: The Screamer Talker
KOYAMA = BEST FANBOY EVER. He loves to talk (and I'm talkin' loves; he hosts, he MCs, he always winds up dominating the stage through 182mph speech, even when he's not supposed to) and he's just so friendly and outgoing and up for anything -- cosplay, bouncing around shamelessly in a cheerleader's uniform, YOU NAME IT. omg I love Koyama so much, he is ridiculous and flaily and ADORABLE. ♥ ♥ ♥
And yes, the third picture is a kitty outfit.
Koyama likes that sort of thing. >:D
Kusano: The Other Drunk
Kusano, as you can see, can bounce that ass. He's also the actual youngest of the group (born 1988, so you can feel properly pedophilic and self-loathing now -- no, no need to thank me!) and he is such a BOY, I mean, he's funny and mischevious and likes to play pranks, and I bet he can fart with his armpits and stuff. (I'm painting such an appealing picture of Kusano, seriously.)
He was the second (and last) drinker. He was suspended in January, and NEWS itself was put on its little hiatus in May.
If he couldn't move his hips so nicely, I'd be pissed. XD
And now, the one you've been waiting for...
YAMAPI
Yamapi is my absolute favorite jboy out of the entire jboy lot. He sings! He dances! He can be paired with approximately three-fourths of Johnny's Entertainment! I'll try to keep my pimping brief, but oh my god, he almost got his own post, I love this man that much. *____*
... wait, that doesn't narrow it down at all, does it?
Gay artist.
Gay emo kid.
Gay virgin.
Gay student who literally sells himself to his scruffy older ex-biker sensei for an education.
Gay schoolboy.
Gay con artist.
Gay samurai.
Gay time-traveller.
As you can see, he enjoys interesting and diverse roles.
M: Are your underpants cute?
Y: Nope, my underpants today are really ordinary... (-stands up to shows, but they're all-black boxershorts-) See, not cute at all. It's nothing to laughs about. (-laughs-)
G: (in Japanese:) But Yamashita-san's underpants are really sexy.
Q5. Please give one good point about Yamashita Tomohisa!
Yamashita Tomohisa: Is just one fine? Well, I'm passionate about friendship!
Koyama Keiichirou: Boobs
Nishikido Ryou: Nasal voice
Katou Shigeaki: Sparkly
Kusano Hironori: There's a gap
Masuda Takahisa: Radiance
Tegoshi Yuuya: Cleavage
And the number one reason you should love Yamapi? His name is Yamashita Tomohisa, right, except as a junior he always used to wear pink, so a fuckbuddy senpai took Yama and Pi and christened him Yamapi. This is now his name. I mean, it's what everyone calls him, even magazines. Some friends take it a step further and shorten it to Pi.
His entire existance revolves around the color pink.
*IS SO RIDICULOUSLY IN LOVE*
Oh, wait! Moriuchi.
NEWS actually debuted with nine members, but Moriuchi left after just one single. He's mostly a vague, monkey-like blur in our fangirl memory.
You can now find him fronting a rock band.
... Seriously.
Oh my god, that was so tl;dr. Where's my gay?
(Ryo's kind of a slut. Raise your hand if this surprises you in any way.)
(Orgylove is the best love of all!)
And, just in case you forget who they are --
LOVE THEM OR PERISH IN A JOYLESS, NEWS-LESS WORLD.