I just dropped my advanced biochem class, which is only offered in the spring, which means I have essentially made the decision to not complete the requirements for my biology degree since I am graduating next fall. I feel a mix of relief, and deep, deep shame. I was a few classes away from completing that degree. I quit because it was too much ( Read more... )

I am not okay. I am desolate. I barely feel any emotions, but when I do, all I feel is overwhelming depression and dismay. I ache in a way I cannot describe. It hurts to be alive. I feel like that sounds so over dramatic and maudlin, but it's true. There is some sort of physiological response to an all consuming, deadening depression that is ( Read more... )

I'm not sure where else to put this, so I'll just leave it here. I really have no idea how to begin to deal with someone else's suicide attempt. Or overdose, or cry for help, or whatever. I've had real life friends do this, I'VE fucking done this myself, and I didn't know how to deal with it then either. I know this is probably the ~unpopular~ ( Read more... )

Today has been another day that I wish I could erase and just maybe get a do over for. I think I woke up around 11, or somewhere around there, I kept waking up and falling back asleep and I think I was having nightmares because every time I did wake up I just felt really scared. Once I finally was awake enough to be fairly functional, I immediately ( Read more... )

Took my first final today. A lot of it was on mindfulness, which I know copious amounts about because of therapy, which makes me feel bad that I am getting a degree in something I could just as easily learn sitting in someone's office. That's a huge reason why I feel I also have to get my degree in biology too because I feel like psych degrees are ( Read more... )

I feel like I am dying. Not in the sense that I am in a tremendous amount of pain, so death must be imminent, but in a much more subtle, gruesome way. I feel like a primal animal, aware of it's mortality, aware that the days which is has left are numbered. It's not a feeling I can pinpoint to any internal organ, or physiological process, I just ( Read more... )

Second day in a row of not getting out of bed. I'm just too damn depressed. I'm stuck here with my bitch roommate while Dayonna is in India and it's miserable. It's too exhausting to go into details, I just fucking hate her so much. I hate feeling angry, but her presence fills me with so much rage and loathing I can barely stand it. It's actually ( Read more... )

I saw a photo of myself on some random girl's ~*thinspiration~* blog. I don't even know why I was looking at such a thing, but seeing myself there was possibly the strangest thing ever. A strange mixture of unhealthy pleasure, satisfaction and validation, mixed with annoyance than an image of myself could just be plastered on the internet as ( Read more... )

Being buried alive by your own mind is treacherous, seems impossible, like a figure of speech, like an explanation for some phenomenon of a rare neurological disorder. But it is wholly possible and altogether terrifying and near impossible to depict in words alone. Because it is a wordless, protracted process, so slow it is hard to believe it has ( Read more... )

I didn't really do anything at all today. Just binged and purged a lot, which was very unsatisfying and depressing, but there was just so much empty time and I didn't know how else to fill it. So at this point in my life the only human being I willingly interact with is Justin, even though I can only really call him while I'm stuck in the middle of ( Read more... )