(no subject)
Took my first final today. A lot of it was on mindfulness, which I know copious amounts about because of therapy, which makes me feel bad that I am getting a degree in something I could just as easily learn sitting in someone's office. That's a huge reason why I feel I also have to get my degree in biology too because I feel like psych degrees are lame and useless. I'm too prideful for my own good, and I am literally killing myself while I stay in school an extra year without support because goddamnit, I WILL get two degrees and one of them will sound impressive. Whatever. I'm in a fucking bad mood and very confused and disoriented and I'm running out of Ambien and I need more, but I missed my psych appointment earlier this week, and I can't even make one until around February. Delightful. I don't really know what to do, or what I'm doing. I can't even remember what I did today except take that exam. I kept falling asleep. I know someone who works at the grocery store saw me putting food in my bag and when I checked out the lady kept looking at me and wrote something down, while she was staring hard at me and then kept looking back at her paper. I'm pissed because that's the best grocery store in town, and I'm not risking going in there anymore. Even if I were to tell myself I'd never steal from there again and always pay, I know I wouldn't. I'm a compulsive stealer, I cannot go into a store and not at least try and take something. It's not like that with individual people, but if I'm in a store, I steal. It's not a good thing, I'm not proud of it, it's just the way it is right now. Everything is a fucking mess and I just sort of sit back and go "Oh...huh, that's interesting" and let the pieces fall where they may. God, I'm immature. So, I guess the good thing should be that I left the store without being arrested. I'm still thirsty as hell, probably from dehydration. I can't drink enough, ever, and that's pretty miserable too. Everything sucks. I should try and be positive, but this is my journal, and my place where I need to vent, so I'm just going to say everything sucks, I'm unhappy and I wish it weren't so. One week until I go home for a month. It should be slightly better at least. I love staying with my mom and brother because we're all very close and there is so much love in our family. Still, I feel even more guilty eating all their food and clogging their plumbing. I'm going to try really hard not to like I did when I was there for a few weeks over the summer though. Those few weeks were the happiest I've had in a few years.