Beware, Dawn! Part 1!
So, I got my tablet cable and I should be working on my commissions but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't a slut for procrastination. Besides, I've learned to never draw when you're not int the right mood because you will produce garbage. At least that's the excuse I'm giving. Anyways, this book is thankfully not by Suzanne Weyn, but by Ellen Miles. I don't know much about her, but I think she's the boring one? Like most of her books are a lot of kiddie antics and sitting jobs. So, we'll just try to keep awake through this snark, okay? Well, let's go!
-Spooky Song of the Day!-
Let's start with the cover, yeah?
Dawn actually looks pretty good here. Yeah, her hair isn't right but it never is. And her outfit is a little more of what I'd expect from someone who likes casual clothes but not to the extent that K. Ron does.That said, the perspective is all fucked up. Either that or that envelope is friggin' huge. I like the hazy Vaseline on the camera lens the left side has too. Gives it that nice softcore porn quality.
Chapter 1!
Dawn is sitting for the Hobarts and reading a Highlights magazine with Johnny. Which is dangerously close to High Times magazine which is a fixture at the Schafer house. You know Sharon frames the centerfolds and hangs them over family pictures. She explains that she loves to baby-sit and how all the kids have different personalities. Yeah, unless they like dresses or are a little clumsy. Then you bitch and whine whenever their parents call. Since she mentioned baby-sitting, she has to mention all her friends and the BSC and her whole back story. But lucky for me, she doesn't get far before she's like 'Why am I thinking about that? I'm baby-sitting!' So, we do get an answer to one of our questions. BSC members really do space out and start thinking of their and their friends life stories at random.
She stops thinking about herself and pays attention to the other kids. That Mel brat is back and calls James a 'dumb Croc'. James calmly tells him he said not to call him that and Mel is like whatever. Given his name and his asshole tendencies, I'm gonna picture this kid as a little Mel Gibson. Dawn waxes poetic about how some kids can be so mean.
Dawn thinks this. She would never be mean to someone she was friends with! She would never scare the living daylights out of a friend! She would never write the world's worst hate poem about someone she cared about! She would never get all her friends to turn against her best friend because she got a haircut! Mean?! Dawn doesn't even know how to spell it! I see you, Ellen Miles, you ain't cute. Dawn continues to ignore the kids for a bit so she can think of herself some more. Like how the kids at school probably think she's weird because sometimes she wears non-matching earrings. Dawn? The kids at SMS grew up with Claudia Kishi. She watched Zoolander and thought Derelicte sounded like a great fashion line and made a dress out of a trash bag. Stop trying to make yourself sound edgy and alternative when you're boring corn pone. Oh, sorry, tofu pone.
She's brought back to reality by Mrs Hobart calling her name, asking if she can help with some groceries. Mrs H asks how the day went and Dawn says it went well although Mel and Zach called her boys Crocs a few times. Mrs H laments that she'd hoped they'd stopped that and I want to know why the Hobart boys even hang around those two. If I was hanging out with someone and they kept calling me taco or something, I'd burn a fucker down. Especially if I'd told them before not to call me that. As they're putting the groceries away, Ben comes home from the library where he was studying with Mal. Dawn says they make a cute couple which surprises the Hell outta me that Ann would allow that word in the same sentence as Mal. A sentence that isn't 'And Mal isn't in any way, shape or form, cute.' Dawn walks home thinking she'll have to give Mary Anne a 'report' on the Mal/Ben situation.
Chapter 2!
When Dawn gets home, she tells MA about the date, and because she named a friend, she has to give a full life story on each BSC member. I like how she says MA is so sensitive because it makes that prank she pulled on her all the more horrendous. Like, really, Dawn. You know she's a crybaby who gets traumatized over the littlest thing yet you still saw it fit to scare the shit out of her because you made a mistake. I know I bring it up a lot, but Goddamn if that wasn't the worst thing I ever read. Because even when I read a book about a psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est, they don't pretend to be friends with their victims afterwards! I reiterate, Dawn is a Goddamn scoiopath.
Dawn gets in a nice bitchy remark when she says Stacey knows how to apply make-up, unlike the hos at school who look like 'they should be on a stage under bright lights!' Which when you think about it makes no damned sense. Is she saying the look like Broadway actors? But Broadway is in New York! Capitol of cool! Why not compare them to clowns, you clod? That would make sense. What you did was a backhanded compliment. Jesus, not only is Dawn a sociopath she's fucking stupid. And yes, she was lost in thought again while Mary Anne was trying to get her attention. Holding a conversation with a BSC member must be a fucking ordeal if they can't pay attention for more than a minute without thinking about what clothes their friends wear or their eating habits or some shit.
Chapter 3!
Opens with the BSC bugging Mal about Ben but quickly degrades into exposition. It's interspersed with Mal and Jessi pissing their panties because Ben called Mal a 'bonzer Sheila'. Do we have any Australian peeps who can either confirm or deny that this is something people actually say or is this just more patented Ann stereotypes? I swear she makes It's a Small World look accurate and nuanced. I surprised she doesn't write the US as nothing but cowboys and Indians with sophisticated robots on one coast and a hippie commune on the other.
Chapter 4!
Oh hohohohoho! Methinks not! Methinks I'm not about to cover a Brewer/Thomas sitting job that starts with Karen demanding K. Ron bring her a present. But since this book is heavy on baby-sitting plot, I will give it a cursory skim for any plot points rather than skipping it outright. I'll just pretend when it says 'Karen' it really says 'Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be'. Well, whatta ya know! Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be, is be a particular little brat wanting things done a certain way! Because there's rules to eating crackers! Mmm hmm! Did you know hypocrisy tastes just like sweet drain cleaner? Ann's favourite flavour! Okay, so her real favourite flavour is White Angel but hypocrisy is her second.
As Dawn is setting up the crackers, David M takes her picture and says it'll look great in the paper. Dawn is like what the what now and David M explains the all the kiddies are running a contest to see who is the best baby-sitter. Dawn is like 'An arbitrary contest I can pin my self worth on?!' and starts foaming at the mouth. To show she's a fun sitter, she has them play Let's All Come In because pleasing Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be, is always the top priority in the 'Brook. David M is like 'That sucks donkey balls' and because Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be, must be pleased, Dawn says they'll make it fun rather than come up with something they all enjoy in the first place.
So, for a change, they have Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be, be bell captain and David M gets to play the fun parts. Somehow Nyogtha, The Thing Which Should Not Be, is okay with this and they all have a good time. Dawn strokes her boner some about how she has this contest in the bag. There's no way she'll lose some piddling contest and not have her ego appeased. Because as we all know, Dawn is the best person in the world and everyone should grovel at her feet.
Chapter 5!
At the next BSC meeting, K. Ron brings up the Sitter of the Month contest. The all say they'd like to win and how it'd be such an honour. K. Ron off course has to jam a rod up her ass about how the Brewer/Thomas kids were so in love with Dawn's game. Mary Anne has an actual sensitive moment (she has one per year) and says K. Ron is getting a tone and not to let them get carried away with this. They mention Jackie and the volcano which is a book I really should snark. I think I've only done one Jessi book. Everyone agrees to keep their wits except K. Ron who just says she likes to win. Hssssst. I hate her so much. I really do. She's the kind of bitch who would say 'Well, I got the most scabies, so I win!' Like, I hate Dawn more than anything, but if me and K. Ron were running from zombies, I'd shoot her in the kneecap. Make sure she's alive when they catch her.
Mary Anne continues to be level-headed and says everyone likes to win, stupid, let's just not go nuts about it. Claudia brings up the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant even though she was the one who got carried away the most that time. Thinking about that fiasco makes everyone say, yeah, they'll keep their heads except K. Ron who's probably thinking of cookies powdered with mescaline and a lava light to entertain the kiddies. Anything to win!