dawn "saves" the planet, part three!

[heymalice]

hey guys!
how is everyone? i'm still trapped in a freezing apartment, since the management won't turn on the furnace, it makes me want to hulk smash everything in sight, but since i can't do that, i've been taking it out on dawn.

throwing up a disclaimer of sorts as a precaution before proceeding further, because i don't know if i went a bit too far with the first chapter coming up...so, it may be offensive. lemme know if i crossed any lines! O_o

and thanks again for the great comments!! you guys seriously rock!
part one part two



Chapter Seven

ugh, baby-sitting chapter. but at least in this chapter things get a bit more interesting, as we are introduced to the Schafer Youth, aka, The Green Gestapo (or The Green Meanies, as jessi and mallory call them…)

'saturday

has everyone gone green crazy? nothing's been the same at my house since dawn and stacey started their Save The Planet ™ class.

mal and i sat for the pike kids on saturday and were searched by the green meanies (that's what i call them).

my brothers and sisters made jessi and me go on a complete inspection of the entire house looking for ways to Save The Planet ™.

then we made lunch and were yelled at by practically every kid in the pike family.

no offence, dawn, but do you think your students may be going a little overboard?'

so yeah, mallory and jessi are baby-sitting for the pike spawn. dawn tells us that nicky and vanessa are the only ones in the class, but she guesses that she did such a good job indoctrinating them that they went on to Spread The Good Word to the rest of their siblings. dawn says she wishes she could've been there to 'see them in action'. because she knows she would have been very proud.

jessi got to the pike's at 10 and it takes mallory a few minutes to answer the door. she doesn't say hi, just shouts that vanessa and nicky are in the dining room and for jessi to watch them, before disappearing. jessi wanders on in asking mallory where she is.

derpderpderp.

'"i'm being held captive by the green patrol," a muffled voice yelled from the living room.'

dun dun dun!!

jessi goes to investigate what in sam hill this new brand of pike family madness is all about and finds the triplets pinning mallory's hands behind her back(!!!!!!). all three of them are wearing 'green baseball cap[s], with the bill turned backwards.'

'"the green patrol. what's that?" jessi asked.

jordan put his hands on his hips and stood with his feet apart. "we're here to guard against household waste."'

in my mind he ended that sentence with a salute and "heil schafer!"

byron informs jessi that mal was caught drinking water from a paper cup. if these kids had their way, she would drink it straight from the tap. that way she wouldn't be wasting water by cleaning a cup after drinking from it either.

mallory looks at 'me', so what, dawn appeared in ghost form? or is jessi now narrating this book? anyway, mallory tells jessi/dawn that "at least it wasn't styrofoam." adam demands to know why use a paper cup that she'd throw away when she can use a glass, damn it? heil schafer! and jordan adds that she committed yet another paper related offence -- she was caught using paper towels in the kitchen! apparently she dried her hands on paper towels instead of a cloth.

mallory rolls her eyes at jessi and then turns back to the Schafer Youth and tells them she promises never to do it again.

'"you better not," byron warned. "but just to make sure, you have to go to green school."

"no, not green school!" mal groaned. "not again!"'

girl, just be glad it's green school and not the incinerator for you.

jessi asks what green school is and mallory gestures with her head toward a blackboard the kids had set up in the living room. claire and margo are standing in front of it.

'"bring mallory here!" claire ordered.
"she has to read the rules."

jessi followed mal and the triplets over to the blackboard. "i didn't know everyone in your family was taking dawn and stacey's class."

"they're not," mal murmured out of the side of her mouth. "but vanessa and nicky told them about it and they got so excited they formed the green patrol. they've been acting like this ever since last night."

"what do your parents think?" jessi asked.

"they think it's cute." mallory replied. "but they haven't been arrested by the green patrol yet, and forced to go to green school. this is my third trip through."'

i'm not surprised she's had to go to green school so many times, to be honest. with her parents constantly running her ass ragged watching the kids, making them food, cleaning their messes, cleaning the house, plus school, homework, club meetings and baby-sitting for other people's kids, this girl has a fuckton on her mind 24/7. i'm really not surprised at all that she's forgetting shit. when you've got so many people demanding so much from you all the damned time, it gets to a point where you're just running on automatic, your nerves are fucking shot and eventually, you just stop caring about shit. you're just trying to get everything done and get through the day without offing yourself.

margo commands that mallory read the blackboard and we get a taste of what green school is like:

'"i promise never to use plastic bags at the grocery store.
i promise to use dishcloths instead of paper towels.
i promise to carry my lunch in a lunch box, not a paper sack.
i promise to recycle all cans and bottles whenever i can..."

i bet it ends with "heil schafer!"

while mallory is being put through her paces in green school, jessi goes to check on vanessa and nicky. they're in the dining room working on propaganda leaflets, oops, sorry, the Save The Planet ™ assignments dawn had given them. they are both wearing their Kids Care badges.

'"help, jessi!" nicky called out the moment he saw her come into the room.
"i don't know what to say in my letter."

"who are you writing?" jessi asked, peering over his shoulder. a yellow tablet was in front of him and a thick pencil was clutched in his hand.

nicky raised his eyebrows and said, "the president."

"the president?" jessi repeated. "you mean, of the united states?"

"uh-huh."'

yup, that's right. dawn has the kid writing to the head honcho himself. all of the kids are writing letters to world leaders as part of an assignment for dawn and stacey's class. vanessa has already written four letters, so jessi asks if she can see one. of course vanessa says yes and shows her the one she just finished that she says is "supposed to go to europe. now i'm going to write to japan."

jessi reads the letter and this is what it says:

'dear mrs. queen of england,
my name is vanessa pike. i'm nine years old and i'm very upset about the pollution in the world. if we don't stop throwing garbage in our oceans, and polluting our air, animals and fish could die. things are getting so bad that i'm afraid the world won't be a very nice place when i grow up and have children. please help stop pollution.

sincerely,
vanessa pike.'

jessi smiles 'warmly' at vanessa after reading the letter and tells her it's really wonderful and that she thinks the queen will be impressed. nicky asks if he can copy the letter but vanessa tells him he can't because they're supposed to write their own. meh, i doubt the queen and the US president get together to chat about the mail they've received from precocious children and compare notes, so i doubt it really matters. but whatever. i get it.

jessi gives vanessa her letter back and tells nicky to let her see what he's written. he covers the letter with his arm and says it's terrible. i feel you bro, whenever someone tries to peek at something i'm writing i do the same damned thing.

jessi says she's sure it's not and to just let her see, damn it. so he slowly pulls his arm away to reveal a page that is blank but for three words: 'dear mr. president.'

jessi tells him it's a good start and now he just needs to write the letter. but nicky says he can't and his lower lip trembles 'dangerously.' he knows what he wants to say but doesn't know how to spell all the words. well, then it's a good thing claudia isn't your sitter today, kid. or that letter would be one clusterfuck of a wreck.

jessi says she can act as his secretary. he can tell her what he wants to say and she'll write it for him. vanessa 'who was busily writing her letter to japan, lifted her head in protest. "but it has to be in nicky's handwriting."

"then nicky can copy what i've written." jessi replied as she sat down besides mal's brother.'

well, then i hope to god you're going to print, jessi, because your handwriting is damned near impossible to decipher most of the time.

she asks what he wants after "dear mr. president" and nicky starts scratching his chin and wandering around the table, muttering to himself. nicky, one day, you too, could be a world leader.

this is his letter:

'dear mr. president,
you don't know me but i've seen you on tv. my name is nicky pike and i'm in second grade at stoneybrook elementary school. i have a pet hamster named frodo and seven brothers and sisters…'

HOLD UP, is he chapter two'ing his own life to the PRESIDENT??!?! good lord.

'garbage is taking over the world and if we're not careful, there won't be any room for my family or frodo. plus the air is bad for us. so, will you do me a favour and help fix this? thank you.

your friend,
nicholas pike.

p.s. i'm sending my picture so you will know me next time you see me.'

who was the Real Live President back when this was written? hmmm..1992, did all y'all in the US have clinton yet? because i like to imagine he was sending this chummy letter to bill. ah, the interwebs informs me that bush senior was president in 1992, bill didn't become president until 1993. damn, there goes that. i can't really imagine a kid feeling like they could be all chummychums in a letter to bush senior, but then, it was probably just some faceless, made up, president that ann used as a stand in. doesn't karen meet the president in one of the LS books? i never read that one but have heard about it. something tells me they wouldn't put the real president in these books.

ANYWAY, jessi helps nicky copy the letter and address the envelope 'but before they could start another letter, the green patrol burst into the dining room. the triplets circled the table, joined by margo and claire.

"is that recycled paper?" adam asked, pointing to the stationery they'd used.

jessi examined nicky's yellow tablet and nodded, "yes, i think so."

"how about that?" jordan pointed to the box of pink stationery and vanessa's eyes widened in horror.

margo folded her arms across her chest. "you're the one who told us we had to use recycled paper."

"i know i did," vanessa muttered as she checked the side of the box. "but i didn't buy this. mom and dad gave it to me for christmas last year."

mallory stepped into the room. "i think maybe the green patrol shouldn't worry about the stuff we already have. you guys should just focus on the future. so from now on, vanessa will make sure she buys only recycled stationery. right, vanessa?"

vanessa shot mallory a grateful smile. "right."'

see, i said in, what was it? chapter one or chapter two? that we would get to this hypocritical little scene. i don't have a physical copy of this book, only the ebook, so i can't check to see if, for this ONE BOOK, they used recycled paper, but none of the ones i own are printed on recycled paper, i checked. publishers LOVE telling you when the books are printed on recycled paper, so i figure it not being mentioned means they are not. ann and scholastic don't give a fuck. it's a whole circle jerk of hypocrites up in there.

mallory says she thinks it's time for lunch and that mrs. pike made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the monkeys to eat. so jessi helps the kids put their letters away on the sideboard and they head into the kitchen, where the faucet is dripping. '"uh-oh!" nicky shouted as they entered the big family kitchen. "water leak!" he pointed to the dripping kitchen faucet. adam leapt forward. "who should the green patrol arrest?"'

mallory rolls her eyes at jessi, she seems to do that a quite a bit in this chapter. she tells the green gestapo/schafer youth that they don't need to arrest anyone, they just need to make sure that the fucking faucet is completely turned off. margo, wanting to be a hero for once and not just a walking barf factory, says she'll do it and runs to to the sink. vanessa suggests they check all of the faucets in the house because dawn told them that "even the tiniest leaky faucet can lose up to three thousand gallons of water a year."

claire, much like me, can't do math word problems, and asks how much that is. vanessa says that dawn told them it's like drinking sixty-five glasses of water a day for a whole yeah, then she clicks her heels together and salutes, "heil schafer!"

the kids are suitably stunned at how much water that is and just stand there like apes staring at the kitchen sink trying to imagine drinking enough water to essentially drown yourself several times over, every day.

adam is the first to come out of the stupor, "we better check out the rest of the house right away. we've got lots of faucets and showers."

jessi actually grabs the kid's arm to stop him from leaving the kitchen and tells him they need to eat first, then they can check the house, and then the spigots outside as well. jordan derps, "outside?" and jessi tells him, yeah, garden hoses leak too, dummy. especially when they're used to hose down eight kids on the regular. bath time sucks at the pike house, man.

apparently the kids are cheered up knowing that as soon as they hoover their PB&Js they will be able to patrol the entire property for leaks. d'aw, good for them.

but oh no, there is even MORE unnecessary drama!!

mrs. pike had put all the sammiches on a big plate on the counter next to plastic baggies of chopped celery and carrot sticks. ruh roh. it's the oven for her!

'"uh-oh." nicky pointed to the baggie. "the green patrol may have to arrest mom. she used plastic."

"not so fast," mal said. "it's not a waste. we can use this bag again. i'll rinse it out and then put it in the dish drainer to dry. how does that sound?"'

sounds to me like a very undeserving mrs. pike will live to see another day. i think mallory should've kept her mouth shut and not saved her mother. at the very least, being forced to go to green school herself would show her just how NOT CUTE her spawn is behaving. throw her under the damned bus for a change, mallory!!

nicky and vanessa 'exchanged looks' which i guess means they melded minds to have a discussion, the kids/teens/whatever in these books are always having weird discussions with their eyes. i guess eye contact is the key to mind melding. anyway, they eye-talk and vanessa speaks for them both when she says that she guesses it's okay for their mother to get off without so much as a fucking warning this time. jessi actually says, "what a relief" and i say, bitch please. and then she fucks her own self over by grabbing a roll of paper towels as she's getting the kids to take their food to the table.

'"look out!" jordan shouted. "jessi's going to waste paper. green patrol!"'

and because jessi is legit fucking stupid she asks, "if we can't put our sandwiches on paper towels, what should we do about cleaning up crumbs and wiping mouths?"

say fucking whaaaaaat? ever heard of a fucking plate, kid? and margo is smarter than both mallory and jessi right now and says, "i know! let's use real plates and cloth napkins!"

and honestly, i have to ask, who the hell eats off of paper towels anyway??? good god, you'd think these people were all raised by wolves or something.

damn.

mallory smiles and says "that's using your head."

common sense is using your head????
my brain can't handle this right now.

well, as my husband always says, "common sense isn't common."

the kids put their sandwiches on 'glass saucers' ?? and jessi asks mallory if it's okay to give the kids glasses of milk to drink and mallory asks why the hell it wouldn't be, to which jessi answers: "i don't know, maybe milking cows is bad for the animals." and mallory straight up laughs at her and says, "the green patrol has really shaken you up, hasn't it?" and jessi tells her she is literally afraid to breathe, lest she pollute the air.

after the kids finish sucking down sandwiches they inspect the entire property. dawn is probably chortling to herself as she tells us that mallory and jessi made several mistakes. like when jessi found a soda can and threw it in the trash, or when mallory left a light on in the kitchen. they were charged with one count of not recycling and one count of wasting electricity, respectively, for those crimes.

the chapter ends with dawn stating that by the time mr. and mrs. pike got home two hours later, the green gestapo had done a full inspection of the house and yard and mallory and jessi were ready to take their cyanide capsules already as they had been forced to attend green school five fucking times. jessi said that "once was more than enough!" but i'd have to disagree with her on that, because if once was more than enough, she probably wouldn't have been made to do it four more times due to infractions. just saying.

oh yeah, heil schafer!

Chapter Eight

dawn says she spent most of the week planning an, as of yet unapproved, recycling program for SMS. she "designed" a poster (since claudia and sometimes mallory are the only ones ever allowed to be good at art, i'm assuming this is a poster not even a mother could love) listing all the reasons she thinks SMS is 'the ideal site for a recycling centre' (yeah, reason 1-close proximity to dawn schafer, so she can run it. reason 2-close proximity to teenagers who are known to work for nothing/peanuts, who can be roped into running this thing for free. reason 3-see reason number 1.) then she claims she 'drew up a schedule for taking cans and bottles to the main terminal downtown.' she says she even made a chart of how many unpaid students would be needed to be volun-told to work on it every week and how many hours they would be forced to spend a month slaving to keep dawn's work camp, i mean, recycling centre, going.

on thursday she 'got up [her] courage' -- yeah, i'm sure. you know everyone will always do what you bitches say, don't pretend it took a mustering up of courage to 'present' your plan to mrs. g. you probably rolled up to her classroom and said, "listen lady, this is what's happening, and if you don't like it, you can GTFO of stoneybrook, because in case you haven't noticed, me and posse run this fucking town."

she says mrs. g's response was 'better than [she] ever expected.'

"dawn, that's an excellent idea," mrs. gonzalez said, after removing the straw from dawn's ass. "i'm really impressed."

dawn is straight up delusional: '"thanks," i said proudly. "when can we start? tomorrow?"

LOLOLOLOL.

even mrs. g laughs at dawn. she says, "not so fast. these things take time." and then dawn goes fucking ballistic. '"but there isn't any time," i protested. "every day the world gets covered with more and more garbage. you said so yourself."'

mrs. g is probably wondering if she needs to press the panic button under her desk now, or if she should wait for things to escalate.

"i'm glad you're so enthusiastic about this, and i have a feeling you could really make it work. but before we can start anything, mr. kingbridge will have to okay it."

dun dun dun!

dawn says her stomach does a 'flip-flop' because mr. kingbridge is the vice-principal, who always seems to have way more power than the actual principal, and visits to his office scare the shit outta kids. why, i'll never know, like everyone else in this town, he caves in seconds and always gives them whatever the fuck it is they want. made up drama. BORING.

mrs. g says she'll talk to him that very afternoon, because the world will stop spinning if dawn doesn't get her way STAT, "we'll see if you can show him your presentation tomorrow."

dawn says, "great" and then tells us she 'swallowed hard.' O_o

later on at home she practices the speech she plans to give mr. kingbridge over and over and over and over in front of the mirror, then in front of mary anne and tigger, then her mom and richard. good god, girl. i think you got it by now. this is just overkill and you loving the sound of your own voice right now. she says that by the time she presented this speech to mr. k, she had memorized it -- thank goodness it wasn't stacey, she'd have to rememberize it, then -- completely.

we get this obnoxious scene in mr. k's office:

'mr. kingbridge was sitting behind his big oak desk when mrs. downey, the school secretary, ushered me into his office. he gestured for me to sit down, then said, "your teacher, mrs. gonzalez, is very impressed with you. she says you have an idea that will benefit not just our school but the whole town of stoneybrook. is that right?"

i swallowed hard [again?!] and croaked, "yes, sir."

"well." mr. kingbridge leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. "tell me about it."

i decided to stand up to make my speech, because that's how i'd been practicing it. i was a little shaky at first (a little? my hands were quivering!) but after i showed him my poster and listed the reasons why SMS should be a recycling centre, i started to calm down."

"SMS is in a prime location for a recycling centre -- it's only a few minutes walk from lots of neighbourhoods," i explained. "having this centre on our school grounds would train the students to be ecology-minded and they in turn would train their families."

mr. kingbridge nodded his head and leaned forward as i continued my presentation. after i showed him the work schedule, and the plans for transporting the cans and bottles to the main centre, i announced in a clear voice, "mr. kingbridge, this project will not only benefit the community by giving them a convenient location to recycle but it will also benefit our school. just think of the hundreds of pieces of paper we use here everyday that could easily be recycled. i bet our school cafeteria provides over a thousand cartons of milk a week to students."

"that's a lot of paper," mr. kingbridge agreed.

"and the teachers' lounge has a soft drink machine. those cans should be recycled. why not let the students of SMS do something good for our school and our planet."'

so mr. k asks to look at her notebook and then gets down to brass tacks. he wants to know how much money this program will cost. dawn says, "it won't cost a thing, but time." he wants to know about supplies and she says they just need clearly labelled cardboard boxes "that we can get free from grocery stores" and some place dry to store them. he wants to know about advertising -- really, he just keeps asking how much the school is going to have to spend, he's just rephrasing it -- dawn says "we can make posters at my house and put them up around town."

ah, i see dawn is making use of the royal we, here. since no one has offered to help with this plan as of yet.

'"we?" mr. kingbridge arched his eyebrows. "who's we?"

"the students at SMS."'

ROFLMAO!!!!!! well, she literally just volun-told the entire SMS student body. oh dawn…

'mr. kingbridge stared at me for a moment. then he got up from his desk and looked out his window, his hands behind his back. after what seemed like a million years, he said, "if you can prove to me that the students at SMS support you, and are willing to work very hard to make this project succeed…" (he paused and then smiled) "then i see no reason why you can't start your recycling program."

"all right!"'

i have the urge to slap her and say, "shut up hippie, the war ain't over yet, you still gotta convince everyone else, you idiot.

'i shouted so loudly that the sound surprised even me, and i clapped my hand over my mouth.'

you must've been hella loud then, did the windows in mr. k's office happen to shatter? if so, please, feel free to go graze on the glass shards, they're gluten-free, vegan, and have absolutely no refined sugar -- in other words, the perfect meal for a pretentious bandwagon jumping twat such as yourself. so, please, go ahead, reward yourself with a nice snack of glass.

she says mr. k didn't seem to mind her harpy-ish, glass shattering shriek, and that, in fact, 'little smile lines formed around his eyes as he said, "this really is a worthwhile project, dawn. i'll give you a week and a half to drum up interest and then we'll discuss it again. good luck. i hope it works."'

dawn is grinning like the maniacal nutjob that she is as she leave his office, because, 'all i had to do to get his okay was prove that the students at SMS were interested. that would be easy!'

these bitches are a little too up their own asses for their own good.

dawn says she started her "campaign" that night, by calling up the easiest targets (her fellow BSC members) on the phone and "asking" -- demanding is actually my guess -- to help her make posters and talk to the other SMS students. she says the next morning she and mary anne -- the easiest target and softest touch of all, since MA has to live with her and doesn't want to piss her off again, lest dawn rain hellfire and jared mullray on her in retaliation -- go to school early, because dawn wants to 'greet the students as they came in through the front doors.' oh god.

mary anne agreed to hold up dawn's sign, which says: "SMS needs a recycling centre. you can make it happen!" i'm surprised mary anne would agree to doing anything that would draw people's attention to her. she must be really scared of dawn right now you guys!

dawn's first victim is erica blumberg, who, in my previous snark, was too braindead to know that when a diaper reeks like death, it's time to fucking change it. 'she was juggling her books and what looked like her breakfast -- a small can of orange juice and half a piece of buttered toast. i caught her math book just before it hit the floor and tucked it back into her book bag.'

careful, erica, dawn is only being nice so you will OWE HER.

erica mumbles a "thanks" around a mouthful of toast, and dawn sees this as her chance for a little quid pro ho.

'"erica, i need your help." i began. "i'm trying to stat a recycling centre here at school."'

RUN ERICA!!!!!!!!!

"what can i do?"

DAMN IT, ERICA!!! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!

'"pass the word to all your friends and volunteer to be a helper when the project get going."

"sure," erica said as she took a final swig of her juice. "just keep me posted."'

and this is when dawn starts to alienate the entire school…

'she was about to toss the empty container in the trash can by the front door when i shouted, "erica! are you crazy?"

hey dawn, you still got any of those shards of glass from mr. k's office? you might want to use one as a mirror right about now, to see what a legit crazy person looks like.

'erica leaped back from the trash can as if a deadly snake were in it. her book bag slipped off her shoulder and clattered onto the floor. "what? what's the matter?"

i pointed to the can in her hand. "that's an aluminum can. never throw it away. it can be recycled."

"oh. sorry." erica turned in a confused circle, trying to figure out what to do with her can.'

she'll be lucky if dawn doesn't fuse it to her fucking hand as a mix of punishment and daily reminder not to fuck with the environment until they actually have a place to recycle the damn thing.

'"look, i'll take it for you," mary anne offered as she picked up erica's book bag. "and when the school gets its own centre, you can just drop it in the box."

"oh, thanks, mary anne," erica said gratefully. she hurried down the hall and didn't even look at me when she said, "i guess i'll see you later."'

she was probably muttering, "you fucking psycho" under her breath.

mary anne turns to dawn and 'hiss[es]' at her, '"why did you shout at erica like that?"

"she was going to throw that can away," i shot back. "do you know how bad that is for the environment?"

"yes," mary anne replied with an impatient sigh. "you've already told me a hundred times."'

meow, mary anne! me-fucking-ow.

'"well, then you should have stopped her, too. americans throw away sixty-five billion cans a year. do you know how much garbage that is?" i hate to admit it but i was starting to get upset with mary anne. she didn't seem to care as much as i did about what we were trying to do. "i thought you believed in recycling."'

oh for fuck sake, dawn. calm down.

"i do, but i'm not going to yell at everyone just because they throw away one can or bottle," mary anne said. "and you'd better be careful how you treat people, or they will turn against you and your idea."

does that sound like a threat to anyone else? it sounds like a threat to me. maybe MA was secretly behind some of the shit that ends up happening later on…hmmm…

she shoves the damned poster into dawn's hands and walks the fuck off, with dawn calling out after her, "hey, where are you going?" MA says, without even turning to look back at dawn, that she has to get to class early to finish her homework.

'now i was really confused. mary anne seemed upset with me, but she had no right to be. i was just doing my part to help save the environment.'

all i can do is shake my head.

dawn talks to 'about twenty more kids' between the time of MA's departure and the ringing of the first bell. then she has to run to her locker where she runs into shawna riverson and decides to vent her spleen on her as well…but first she make snotty comments about what a 'pigsty' shawna's locker is and how it's a big surprise because 'she is always so perfect-looking'. ugh. i don't know that i can continue this eye rolling much longer without doing myself a permanent injury.

she says that when shawna opened her locker, 'i swear, three plastic cups, some greasy wrappers from month-old hamburgers, and two yellow styrofoam containers tumbled to the floor.'

dawn is a bitch and says, "you must live on burgers and fries." to which shawna replies, "who can eat the food they serve here? they practically force me to go to burger town."

dawn stares as shawna starts shoving the garbage back into her locker. then starts bitching her out, too. '"well next time you get a hamburger, tell them to just put it in a paper bag," i told her. "styrofoam is terrible for the environment."

"i'm sure," she said sarcastically, "that two boxes are not going to hurt anybody."'

then dawn has a meltdown.

'i don't know what came over me but suddenly i got really angry. "that's permanent garbage. don't you understand? it'll never go away. those two containers will probably float around in the ocean and kill innocent sea turtles."

"big deal."

shawna shut her locker door and began walking down the hall. i followed her all the way to homeroom, trying to make her come to her senses. "it's a very big deal. do you know that the chemicals used to make styrofoam are ruining the ozone layer?" (i didn't realize it but i was practically shouting.) "that causes the greenhouse effect, which is why the northeast is having a drought right now, and why texas is getting waterlogged."

"so tell them to get an umbrella." shawna said as we stepped into our homeroom.'

that girl has a death wish.

'several of the students in the class laughed at her reply, which made me even more angry. how could they laugh about something as important as the future of our world? i would have said something really nasty if the bell hadn't rung.'

like, 'boo and bullfrogs!' kinda nasty or, 'you ignorant skank!' kinda nasty?

mary anne, who apparently sits behind dawn in homeroom, tugs on dawn's arm and whispers for her to fucking chill already, class is about to start.

the chapter ends with dawn, slumped down in her seat and feeling 100% convinced that this truly is a crusade worth murdering for, and perhaps even worth dying for. or at least sacrificing her sanity for. ah, who am i kidding? dawn was born sans sanity. she hasn't a sane bone in her body. it's just that occasionally, the writers amp up her crazy.

she's convinced she is right. and god help anyone who dare get in her way.

Chapter Nine

wow, claudia, just WOW:

'thursday
boy, jessi and mal, you wernt kidding when you said that all the kids have cauht the green bug. from the moment i arrived at the johansens, charlot chatterd non-stop about saving the plant. then i walked her to stacey's for her class and boy, was i impressd! dawn and stacey -- you guys are rilly terrific teachers. even i lernd something!'

too bad you didn't "lern' to spell.

dawn tells us that claud arrived at the Save The Planet ™ class on thursday 'completely out of breath' because charlotte made her run all the way to stacey's for the class. wow, kid, cool your damned jets! dawn very pompously informs us that that class was VERY IMPORTANT because they were making the final preparations for the green fair. yawn. so that's why charlotte wanted to run, so she wouldn't miss anything. there goes that nervous tic of mine again, i'm not surprised that every time i work on this snark, i end up with an ocular migraine, it's all the eye rolling i do.

ouch, there i go again, because dawn says, 'the minute they walked in the door, i took charge.' yeah, as if you haven't been taking charge this whole time? i'm sure stacey has barely been able to get a word in during class since that first time, which i'm assuming dawn sees as being very courteous of her, ya know, letting stacey speak and all and pretend she actually has a role to play in this shitshow.

ugh. get a load of this. and they say kristy is bossy, well, dawn sure as fuck is wearing the bossypants in this book:

'"coats on the hooks in the hall," i instructed. "guests on the couch. and students check the assignment sheet posted by the kitchen door." i clapped my hands together several times. "we've got a lot of things to do today so let's not dawdle."'

then dawn says that stacey was a lot more casual, ya know, because she isn't a maniac, like dawn. she actually greets claudia and asks if she can get her anything to drink, because she's actually a good hostess and friend -- in this book, at least.

claudia shakes her head and says not to worry about her, "i'm going to be as quiet as a mouse, and just sit over here in the corner." which doesn't strike me as a very claudia-ish thing to say, but whatever.

stacey carries in some sheets of poster board and markers and asks claudia if she saw what some dudebro named woody jefferson, and claudia's former poet lover trevor sandbourne brought to lunch that day. claud says no, which leads to one of the most eyebrow-raise-worthy and funny scenes ever described in these books -- though first i have to note a totally unbelievable side comment made, 'claudia had eaten with some friends on the other side of the lunch room.' say whaaaaa? 1, this late in the series they always eat together and 2, outside friends?? PAH! unpossible! not allowed! was kristy home sick that day?? i don't see any other reason this level insubordination would fly.

anyway, back to the best shit ever:

'"brie cheese, pate, and a bottle of sparkling cider."

"you're kidding!" claudia gasped. "i can't believe i missed this."

"they even spread out a red-and-white checkered tablecloth, and brought their own silver and a couple of wine glasses. mrs. ensign thought they were drinking real wine and nearly had a cow." (mrs. ensign is the lunchroom monitor.)

"why'd they do it?" claud asked.

"to prove that we don't need to eat mystery meat and pickled green beans to have a good lunch."'

well, either trevor found himself a really sweet boyfriend, or trevor is a much better boyfriend to this woody dude than he ever was to claud. claud never got the brie and pate treatment! very romantic, boys. i put my stamp of approval all over this SMS relationship.

ugh, of course that bitch dawn has to burst this bubble of awesomeness by flipping out, '"excuse me?" i cut in on their conversation. "i don't want to interrupt your gossip session, stacey, but we do have a class to teach."'

GRRR. just as shit was actually getting fun.

stacey actually WINCES and then tells claudia she'll talk to her later and hurries her ass over to the kiddies, who are all 'clustered around the assignment sheet chattering excitedly.' there goes that damned tic of mine again.

becca is jazzhands about being with charlotte on the shopping bag booth, then asks stacey what in the what the shopping bag booth is. derrrrrr.

aaaand dawn is still a controlling cunt and admits that 'stacey opened her mouth to reply but i answered for her* (after all, it was my idea.) "we want to encourage people not to use paper or plastic when they buy their groceries," i explained. "we want them to bring their own bags. you two will be selling canvas shopping bags that you have decorated. you'll also sell plain ones that people can decorate on their own."'

alrighty.

*italics mine, to highlight how fucked up that was.

apparently melody korman is super jelly of becca and charlotte for getting this booth and whines that she wants to be at that booth too. so stacey kneels beside her and lies and tells her ALL the booths will be funzies and that she's talked to a nursery on spring street (called 'bloomers' because nobody in stoneybrook knows a fucking thing about subtlety, or creativity.) and they've been conned into donating plants for the booth they want melody and hannie to work at. SNORE! this chapter is just boring as fuck now that that Very Special Friendship of trevor and woody is no longer being discussed. BOOOOOO!!

melody wants to know what they do with the plants, probably hoping they get to at least do something fun with them, but dawn jumps in and tells them that you're supposed to SELL THEM, you dumbshit child. she makes sure to stroke the fragile egos of the girls by telling them their booth is 'very important' because it will raise money AND help keep the world green.

dawn, every time you open your mouth, you expel 100,000,000 googolplex tonnes of fossil fuels into the atmosphere. shut your stupid mouth before you kill everything you claim to care about for the first what? 12 or so chapters of this book?

i fucking hate you, dawn.

of course the ego stroking helps and melody gets super happies and she turns to hannie and says that their booth will be the best in the whole fair and hannie says, "in the whole world!" uh huh. god, i'm so bored with this now.

stacey hands melody some poster board and seriously, i don't think anyone gives a shit anymore. she tells melody her assignment is to make the sign for the booth…ZZZZzzzz…

so melody goes over to a corner and tells hannie she'll make the letters if hannie draws a picture of a plant. i hope she draws a pot leaf, because seriously, everyone involved with the making of this book is seriously smoking up.

blah blah blah, dawn tells the kids that the school loaned them their button-making machine, so karen [SHUDDER FOREBER!!], andrew and suzi are put in charge of making buttons that say 'think green' and 'my kids care' to sell to the parents in the neighbourhood. sweet lord, if karen speaks, please take my life. i can't handle her shit tonight.

andrew and suzi cheer "yea!" so i'm spared for now. then dawn tells buddy and bill that they are in charge of the "wild animal booth", so of course the boys need to ask wtf the booth is and dawn explains that they are going to show peeps how to save the animals, which involves making a collage of magazine pictures of endangered species…which will teach people how to save animals…how???

bill and buddy have a whispered discussion, then buddy says that they like that booth BUT they want to sell some shit, too, like all the other kids. and oh, cuz apparently buddy is a good salesman. ?? since…when…???

so stacey and dawn meld minds/have an eye discussion and stacey suggests that they sell the birdhouses that the kids made the week before out of milk cartons. my sisters and i did that when we were kids. our mother thought it would be a fun project when we were being homeschooled. we also made our own beeswax candles and stuff like that. my mother also had a poster that said 'earth day is everyday' in the room she used to do our classes in. oops, got sidetracked. back to this shitty book…

dawn actually tells stacey that that was a good idea. i'm surprised she actually credited stacey for anything. she's such a bitch. bill says his mom really liked the birdhouse he brought home and buddy says they'll make "millions" of birdhouses, as he hops around the room. he also thinks they'll make millions of dollars. lol, no. no, buddy, you won't. dawn tells them that ten birdhouses should be enough, but that they should make as many as they can.

this book is a very effective sleeping pill. hopefully it won't be like one of those creepy sleeping pills that make people do weird shit in their sleep like binge eat, or drive cars. with my crappy luck i'll go to sleep tonight, then wake up out of a stupor at like, 3am, in the kitchen, building a compost in the middle of the kitchen with my cat's poop and shouting "heil schafer!" or something equally messed up.

stacey tells the kids there are also several demonstration booths, where they'll show the results of their "experiments." karen speaks. and i'm glad that god doesn't pay no heed to empty prayers from atheists, because i'm not struck dead. "you mean, we're going to let people look at our buried treasures that we dug up last week?" karen says in her demonchild voice. i bet if you played any and every sentence that child ever speaks backwards it's all "i am satan, hail satan," and shit.

she wrinkles her evil little nose and says that "some of that stuff is rotten." what? like your soul? get thee behind me, karen!

dawn says that shit is supposed to be rotten, because it's decaying and becoming part of the earth, ZZZZzzzz…and stacey asks if anyone remembers what happened to the plastic wrap and styrofoam when they dug it up and BM says that nothing happened, they just got dirty. and dawn says that's because they aren't biodegradable, and are bad for the earth. then stacey says she thinks BM and linny should work at that booth so one of them can explain the projects to people and the other can show them the results of the experiments. blah blah, boys high five and then argue about who gets to do what.

dawn puts vanessa and nicky in charge of the letter writing booth, because of course she does. oh sorry, "since the letters they wrote to our world leaders were so good." which makes nicky whine that if his letter was so good, how come the president didn't write back? duh, cuz the president has more pressing shit to deal with than keeping up with his correspondence from children? this kid's been checking the mailbox every. damned. day. okay, now i kind of feel bad for him. but seriously, dawn and stacey should've let the kids know that the chance of their letters actually getting responses was like, slim to nil.

'stacey took nicky's hand. "the president is a very busy man. he barely has time to read his letters, let alone answer them. but i'm sure he liked yours, especially since you sent him your picture."'

derrrrr? otays…

nicky is all, "you really think so?" with renewed faith in life and the president of his country. stacey tells him that she's sure of it and gives him a hug, then stands up and tries to earn some more points toward an A on this project, "all right. everyone break into groups, and start working on your projects. when you're --"

BUT DAWN CUTS HER OFF AGAIN!!

'"not so fast," i said, cutting stacey off. "first i want to know how many of you called your friends to find out if their families recycle?"'

only two kids raise their hands. uh oh…children, you need to learn how to lie to dawn, seriously. she's a fucking psycho.

and she proves it: 'i shook my head. "i'm really disappointed in the rest of you. how can we save the planet if you can't even make a phone call?"

the kids who only moments before had big smiles on their faces, hung their heads and stared at the carpet.

"now next week, when i ask this question," i said, "i want every single one of you to raise your hand. will you do that?" i waited till they nodded, then said, "good. now let's get to work."'

god, girl. ease the hell up on the kids! that was fucking HARSH.

when the class is over, dawn tells us that claud approached her and stacey and pulled out not one, but two ass sucking straws! '"you guys are incredible," she said. "you look like real pros. no wonder charlotte is so excited about this class. if there's anything i can do to help your fair, just let me know."'

of course dawn says there's one thing she can do.

claud tells her to name it and so dawn asks, "would you mind designing some fliers that we can hand out at school? we'd love to have your artistic touch."

stacey nearly shits herself. "but i thought we were going to ask the kids to do that."

and dawn proudly lets her cunt flag fly high: 'i rolled my eyes and whispered, "we were. but if we can get a real artist like claudia to do them, they'll look professional and more people will come."

stacey gave me a funny look, then shrugged. "okay, if that's what you want."

"it's what we both want. isn't it?"

"i guess so." she sighed.

i couldn't believe her response. stacey hardly sounded interested in the project at all.'

uh, no, dawn. she's just sick of your shit.

poor claudia is embarrassed to have heard this fucked up exchange and says, '"you guys? look, i don't want to interfere. maybe it would be better if the kids made the fliers."

"no!" i practically shouted. "i want you to do the work. they'll look better."'

WHOA, slow your roll, psycho!

claudia asks if it's okay if charlotte helps her make the fliers and that appeases stacey, at least, who tells her she thinks that's a wonderful idea. i think stacey and claudia will be throwing out their ass sucking straws after today, whaddya think?

so blah blah, charlotte likes the idea of helping claudia too and on the way back to her house she talks about it nonstop to claudia, telling her, "i'm so glad you're going to help us save world, claudia. we really need you." that makes claudia feel better and she wraps her arm around charlotte and hugs her, saying, "i'm glad i can help. this is a wonderful project."

and somehow, this chapter still isn't over.

the two of them spend the rest of the afternoon working out designs. charlotte wants to start with a picture of the earth in the centre and claud suggests they draw 'a line of kids holding hands ringed around the globe', which is cute, as well as appropriate. but probably totally unoriginal.

yep, a quick interwebs search says its been done to "deth" as claud would say.



they agree to cut the shapes of the earth and kids out of construction paper and glue them onto a white background and i'm yawning again. this book is so fucking dull.

claudia suggests they cut the letters out of magazine ads, ransom note/stalker/serial killer style. claud says it will make the fliers "look like a crazy quilt", or ya know, just plain crazy.

charlotte gets so excited about this that she claps her hands. she thinks that would be really cool. ZZZzzzzzZZzzzz…

by the time dr. j gets home they're done the fliers and show her their work, who sucks dawn's ass from blocks away, "this class has been the best thing to happen to charlotte in a long time. i can't remember when she's been so excited about something." heil schafer!

claudia apparently nods so hard her earrings -- which we are parenthetically informed are made of paper clips, sequins and ribbons -- bounced. and sucks dawn's ass too, apparently too dumb to have thrown that straw out before getting to charlotte's house. "it's even gotten me excited. dawn and stacey have done a great job." SLURP!

we're told that claudia had intended to call stacey and dawn to do some more slurping, but stacey beat her to the punch and called her first…

'"dawn is driving me crazy!" stacey complained the second claud answered.

"what are you talking about?" claudia said as she propped up her bed pillows and leaned back against them. she fumbled behind the headboard for the bag of mallomars she'd stashed there. she had a feeling this was going to be a long call (and she was right.)'

i love how these girls always inform the person they are bitching out exactly what they said about them and even what they were doing at the time, after the fact. so loving! so caring! the best friends you'll EVER have!!

'"you saw how she acted today," stacey said. "didn't you notice anything unusual?"

"well, she did seem a little bossy at times."

"a little?" stacey shouted into the phone. "she barely let me finish a sentence."

"well, maybe that's her way of showing how excited she is about the project," claud said diplomatically.'

claudia, don't try to explain away shitty behaviour. dawn was being a bitch, plain and simple. don't defend her!

"it's her way of showing everyone that she's right and i'm wrong. she acts as if she was the first person to discover pollution."'

LOL!!!!!

'"whoa," claud said, taking a bite of her mallomar, [okay, that's creepy, do these bitches have spy cams in each other's rooms??!?!] "i didn't realize you were so upset."

"it's been building up for the past few weeks," stacey admitted. "in the beginning, we divided up what we had to do but now she insists on being in charge of everything."

"have you talked to her about it?"

"i've tried," stacey said. "but every time i start to say something, she changes the subject by pointing out some mistake i've made, like using a paper napkin instead of a cloth one."'

sounds like stacey needs a visit from the Schafer Youth if she's still making rookie mistakes like that! heil schafer!

'claud tore open a second mallomar.'

god damn, it's creepy how they know exactly what one of their friends is doing when they aren't in the room, or involved in a conversation. watch out, claudia and stacey, dawn could have the green gestapo outside your houses in two seconds if you say the wrong thing right now!

"we all agree that dawn has gone kind of overboard about ecology, but you shouldn't let it get to you, i mean, how bad can it be?"

this from a girl who hates on her own sister for having the balls to be smarter than her. hey claud, maybe you shouldn't let the fact that janine is a million times smarter than you could ever be, get to you. maybe get the fuck over it and stop this willful ignorance you think is a good way of retaliating against her, which only hurts you anyway?

ahem.

they are all hypocrites.

'"well, to tell you the truth," stacey said in a sad voice, "if i didn't feel so committed to the kids in our class, i would probably just quit and do another project for mrs. gonzalez."

claudia gulped down a big bite.'

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS, DAWN?!??!?!??! these bitches are like Big Brother. the way they know every single thing the others say and do at all times, it's like something out of orwell. this is just FUCKED.

'"it's that serious?"

"it's that serious." stacey confided. "and i'm afraid that if something doesn't change soon, it's going to ruin my friendship with dawn. permanently."

dun dun dun! it's gettin' real up in this bitch, you guys! whatever will happen next??