Dawn's Wicked Stepsister Part 1!
Oh, boy. This book. When I was little I felt I was obliged to like Dawn because she was a Southern California girl too. But I do remember I didn't like her in this book because I identified with Mary Anne the most and didn't like Dawn being such a bitch to her. Now that I'm older I really, really hate Dawn because she's such a massive bitch. So, let's plunge right in! Hold your noses! Massive bitchitude forthwith!
Chapter 1
Opens right at the end of Richard and Sharon's wedding with everyone jumping for the bouquet. Dawn says that at the last moment MA becomes Professor Impossible and her arms grow and she snags the bouquet. Dawn is like 'How very dare she!' because that was her mother's bouquet and she should have got it! Which, sense, Dawn? Any floating your way? Because that shit doesn't make any. If you were meant to catch it then only you should have been trying. In fact, why didn't you just demand your mom hand it to you? You're a pushy enough brat to do it. In another bit of stupidity she says maybe MA had more reason to want to catch the bouquet because of the whole 'next to be married' superstition and MA having Logan. Right. Because so many people marry their middle school sweetheart. God, Dawn is dumb. And a bitch. Why isn't that the title of this book?
Dawn takes the stick out her ass and congratulates MA calling her 'sis' which makes me roll my eyes. Do people actually do this? It seems so saccharine. On a slightly related note, today (friggin' EASTER) I was helping cook and telling my niece about some little bitch on Tumblr sending me anon hate and generally having a stick up their ass. My Grammy yells at me and says that 'It's a hair up the ass, not a dick!' and I was like 'I said stick! You're nasty talking about dicks up asses!' And now you have some insight on my family life and what we're like around the holidays. Also it being 4/20 it was celebrated. Just sayin'
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Mind-numbing backstory. You know the drill-Death, divorce and meddling kids. She goes on to describe the wedding, which was small and not running on pure, insane idiocy like Kristy's mom's wedding. I'm thinking this is because Richard was involved and he's pretty sane for Stoneybrook. I dunno, I always liked Richard. Maybe it's because I identified with MA the most and he reminded me of my mom. Although my mom let me dress fashionably. Well, fashionably for the 80s. They're at Chez Maurice (Of course! Is there any other nice restaurant in Stoneybrook?) and Dawn is still whining about that bouquet. Just shut up. This is just the kind of mature individual I want to leave my child with. Shit, I wouldn't leave my laptop with her. Shit! I wouldn't leave my drink with her! She'd probably throw wheat germ or soy milk in it. Or 'accidentally' spill it if it was anything other than a veggie smoothie. I hate Dawn.
The party breaks up and Richard and Sharon head to a hotel for the night (Kinky!) and MA and Dawn head home. And here's a bit of craziness. Charlie drives the whole BSC to MA's house. Seven girls and one teen. In one car. Now, I'm Mexican and I'm used to stuffing cars like we're clowns on our way to the circus but this is a little much. So I guess there are no seat belt laws in Stoneybrook either? Yeah, good to know. Dawn says about how they're coming over so they can dish about the wedding. And that 'dish' means 'gossip'. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm sure some 50 year old deaf baboon reading this was wondering what that meant. Your books are aimed at girls, Ann. Girls know words. Also is there much to gossip about? It was a small wedding at the justice of the peace. Unless Count Olaf is involved, I don't care. Wait...Logan was there too?! So nine people in one car? Jesus deep fried Christ!
Chapter 2
Jumps right in with the exposition. So time to get my skimming eyes in. Of course I catch that Claudia is never overweight or pimply because Ann would sooner flog herself than have the fashionable art chick have any physical flaws. Especially fatness! That's like the worst thing ever! Everyone must be slim and beautiful! Because Stoneybrook is a sister town to Stepford. She also says the Stacey come from New York city in all italics because New York is like the only amazing place in the world, amirite? Yeah, you take it from here Spider-man.
Chapter 3
The next morning and MA and Dawn get up to get ready to move and Dawn is like, they didn't get much sleep the night before because they panicked at every tiny noise. Now that's understandable as they are only 13 years old but it's just one more nail in the coffin of 'These girls are not mature enough to baby-sit!' Although my aunt does the same thing when she's home alone so eh? Richard and Sharon arrive with Jeff and they stand around outside waiting for the movers. Claudia comes over and says something vaguely sad and starts MA's water works. Dawn has a bitch moment where she's like 'Why did she have to say that?' because MA crying is too much for her. Gee, maybe because she's having something called 'feelings' over her life-long friend moving away? Shut up, Dawn. MA starts really crying saying she doesn't want to move, that that's the only home she's known and Dawn is a bitch about it. What a fucking surprise.
And in the first of a long list of stupidity, MA says that she's gonna have to put her dresser in the guest room because it won't fit in the room her and Dawn are sharing. Now, shouldn't that be a big fucking clue that they shouldn't be sharing a room? I mean, if I heard that all my stuff wouldn't fit, I would say 'Nope, not gonna happen'. I'd rather have all my stuff than share a room. Hell, I wouldn't even want to share a room in the first place. Of course, I'm an adult and not a teen. Dawn tries to placate MA by saying the rest of her clothes will fit in the closet and MA snaps that she's knows that, she's not stupid. Dawn inwardly bitches that MA must get crabby when she doesn't get enough sleep. Or it could be that moving sucks and she's leaving the only home she'd ever known. I hate Dawn.
As they try to stuff everything into Dawn's room, they hear Tigger crying. MA runs out to look for him and finds him crying in the hallway. And Dawn, bitch Dawn, starts her inner bitching again (this is gonna be a running theme, trust me) about how God! That poor, confused, probably scared kitten won't shut up! Gawl! Sorry but I have no sympathy for people who don't like cats. I'd throw them all into a volcano if I could (with some exceptions, Dawn is not one of them). She also bitches about how MA is running around trying to keep Tigger from getting stepped on because she cares so much about animals, right? Oh, I forgot. Tigger is a carnivore and therefore a little Satan. Although I will point out that it's pretty dumb of MA to not keep him in his pet taxi till things calm down. And that just reminds me of when I moved and some shitty kid poured orange soda on Jynxie while she was in her taxi. I wanted to punch that little shit so hard.
On Sunday things are going better, Tigger stopped crying and they're getting things moved in. The decide to wear each other's clothes the next day and what? Dawn is tall and Mary Anne is short so how is that gonna work out? Sure it might work but are they really that close in body size? Like the only thing I can share with friends are shoes. And even that's not perfect. But maybe all the BSC members are variations on the same clone so they all have the same size waist. They're made in a shady underground factory.
It's Jeff's time to go home and Dawn notes that he looks 'concerned'. He takes her aside and says that he didn't like how MA acted this weekend. So, shitty attitudes run in the family? Because all I saw her do was get sad over leaving the only home she's ever known and worry about her pet getting hurt. Someone needs to sing them the empathy song. ~Empathy! Empathy! Put yourself in the place of me!~ And Dawn, stupid hypocritical Dawn, tells Jeff to ease up, she just didn't want to move. Um, yeah? And where was this attitude when you were bitching about her, bitch? I hate Dawn.
Chapter 4
Monday at a BSC meeting and MA and Dawn are both in bad moods. MA's mad because Dawn tripped over Tigger and Dawn is again mad at her showing concern over her tiny kitty, because gawl! He wasn't even hurt, you don't have to give me a Look! I wonder if she apologised for it (Dawn not Mary Anne). I'm guessing not. I just don't get Dawn. I mean, I thought all the hippy kids loved all animals and worried about them. I know in some book she says that she doesn't eat red meat, not because of the poor cows but because it doesn't taste good. She's a shitty environmentalist. And again with these girls getting all butthurt over a look. They also are mad at each other because MA found bean sprouts in the fridge, thought they were mold and Dawn laughed at her.
Oh, God. Late club exposition. Time to skim again. I guess since this is before 'Dawn Saves the Planet', Dawn doesn't pitch a shit fit over the fact that the club goes through 'millions' of fliers. Or maybe it's just more to do with her being a shitty environmentalist. Or it could be that Kristy said she'd cut off her pinky if she complained about any aspect of the club. Then she can't play piano. She also doesn't say anything about the fact that Claudia provides them with junk food. Give it a couple of books and she'll be bitching about the evils of sugar and fat and salt. Shut up, Dawn. You didn't say anything this time but shut up anyway.
They collect dues and take jobs and normal boring club stuff. Mal turns down Claud's snacks and they ask her what's wrong. She says she doesn't feel too hot (And never will! Buh-dum-tiss!) and Jessi checks her forehead and says it feels like she has a fever. MA tells her to switch places so she'll be more comfortable and I just hate this book. I hate for things that aren't even in it. Right now I'm hating the fact that they're worried about Mal when they treated her like shit when she had mono. Maybe it's because they feel the fever right away and when she had mono there were no symptoms other then her being tired. Jesus Christ! Kristy even tells her to head home and rest! What the fuck kinda Bizarro World is this?! Well, this is only #31 so I guess she hasn't gone full Kris Jong Il yet.
Chapter 5
So it turns out Mal has chicken pox and probably caught it from the Newtons. This is why I stopped working with children. I was really worried about catching something because I've never had chicken pox or the measles and that's basically a death sentence. Too bad. I miss it at times. Anyway they're able to fill up her jobs with no problem save for one with the Perkins. And the problem is that both MA and Dawn are free. And here's a line that drives me up the fucking wall 'Usually when more than one of us is available to take a job, us BSC members are really nice about saying things like, “You go ahead and sit for Charlotte, Stacey. We know she’s your favorite kid.”' Oh, hohoho! So! It's okay that the sitters have favourite kids and get first crack at jobs with them but a kid can't have a favourite or request a certain sitter?! That is such bullshit. And bad for business! Why can't Kristy see that? Has she never heard of 'giving the customer what they want'? This book is something else.
Anyway! There's a fight brewing because both MA and Dawn want that job. Dawn wants it because she's saving up for a 'now we're sisters' present for MA. They start snipping on each other on 'I want the job! No I want it!' and MA calls Dawn fat. Dawn takes offense because being fat is worse than being an asshole. Kristy falcon punches Claudia's desk and tell them to can it. She makes them draw straws and Mary Anne wins. Dawn of course, inwardly bitches. And she's still mad about that damn bouquet! I'm a Capricorn and we are the grudge carryingest mofos out there and even I want her to shut up. Of course, I usually want Dawn to shut up. Dawn tells her that she hopes the girls are monsters and I think about how lisaerin is working on the theory that they are indeed monsters. Now I feel like drawing a little girl based monster.
Two days later Dawn is in their room eating a granola bar and reading ghost stories because that's all her personality is besides being a massive bitch. MA comes in and tries to start a conversation but Dawn is still butthurt. So, even though MA is obviously trying to make amends, she keeps being a petulant little brat. Anyways, the stories about how cute and precious and smart the Perkins girls are breaks Dawn out of her funk and they're all pally again. They say 'Good night, sis' to each other and I feel my teeth ache. But then again, I'm an only child and very happy in that fact because I'm very selfish. Maybe those with siblings can give me some insight on what you call each other.
Chapter 1
Opens right at the end of Richard and Sharon's wedding with everyone jumping for the bouquet. Dawn says that at the last moment MA becomes Professor Impossible and her arms grow and she snags the bouquet. Dawn is like 'How very dare she!' because that was her mother's bouquet and she should have got it! Which, sense, Dawn? Any floating your way? Because that shit doesn't make any. If you were meant to catch it then only you should have been trying. In fact, why didn't you just demand your mom hand it to you? You're a pushy enough brat to do it. In another bit of stupidity she says maybe MA had more reason to want to catch the bouquet because of the whole 'next to be married' superstition and MA having Logan. Right. Because so many people marry their middle school sweetheart. God, Dawn is dumb. And a bitch. Why isn't that the title of this book?
Dawn takes the stick out her ass and congratulates MA calling her 'sis' which makes me roll my eyes. Do people actually do this? It seems so saccharine. On a slightly related note, today (friggin' EASTER) I was helping cook and telling my niece about some little bitch on Tumblr sending me anon hate and generally having a stick up their ass. My Grammy yells at me and says that 'It's a hair up the ass, not a dick!' and I was like 'I said stick! You're nasty talking about dicks up asses!' And now you have some insight on my family life and what we're like around the holidays. Also it being 4/20 it was celebrated. Just sayin'
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Mind-numbing backstory. You know the drill-Death, divorce and meddling kids. She goes on to describe the wedding, which was small and not running on pure, insane idiocy like Kristy's mom's wedding. I'm thinking this is because Richard was involved and he's pretty sane for Stoneybrook. I dunno, I always liked Richard. Maybe it's because I identified with MA the most and he reminded me of my mom. Although my mom let me dress fashionably. Well, fashionably for the 80s. They're at Chez Maurice (Of course! Is there any other nice restaurant in Stoneybrook?) and Dawn is still whining about that bouquet. Just shut up. This is just the kind of mature individual I want to leave my child with. Shit, I wouldn't leave my laptop with her. Shit! I wouldn't leave my drink with her! She'd probably throw wheat germ or soy milk in it. Or 'accidentally' spill it if it was anything other than a veggie smoothie. I hate Dawn.
The party breaks up and Richard and Sharon head to a hotel for the night (Kinky!) and MA and Dawn head home. And here's a bit of craziness. Charlie drives the whole BSC to MA's house. Seven girls and one teen. In one car. Now, I'm Mexican and I'm used to stuffing cars like we're clowns on our way to the circus but this is a little much. So I guess there are no seat belt laws in Stoneybrook either? Yeah, good to know. Dawn says about how they're coming over so they can dish about the wedding. And that 'dish' means 'gossip'. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm sure some 50 year old deaf baboon reading this was wondering what that meant. Your books are aimed at girls, Ann. Girls know words. Also is there much to gossip about? It was a small wedding at the justice of the peace. Unless Count Olaf is involved, I don't care. Wait...Logan was there too?! So nine people in one car? Jesus deep fried Christ!
Chapter 2
Jumps right in with the exposition. So time to get my skimming eyes in. Of course I catch that Claudia is never overweight or pimply because Ann would sooner flog herself than have the fashionable art chick have any physical flaws. Especially fatness! That's like the worst thing ever! Everyone must be slim and beautiful! Because Stoneybrook is a sister town to Stepford. She also says the Stacey come from New York city in all italics because New York is like the only amazing place in the world, amirite? Yeah, you take it from here Spider-man.
Chapter 3
The next morning and MA and Dawn get up to get ready to move and Dawn is like, they didn't get much sleep the night before because they panicked at every tiny noise. Now that's understandable as they are only 13 years old but it's just one more nail in the coffin of 'These girls are not mature enough to baby-sit!' Although my aunt does the same thing when she's home alone so eh? Richard and Sharon arrive with Jeff and they stand around outside waiting for the movers. Claudia comes over and says something vaguely sad and starts MA's water works. Dawn has a bitch moment where she's like 'Why did she have to say that?' because MA crying is too much for her. Gee, maybe because she's having something called 'feelings' over her life-long friend moving away? Shut up, Dawn. MA starts really crying saying she doesn't want to move, that that's the only home she's known and Dawn is a bitch about it. What a fucking surprise.
And in the first of a long list of stupidity, MA says that she's gonna have to put her dresser in the guest room because it won't fit in the room her and Dawn are sharing. Now, shouldn't that be a big fucking clue that they shouldn't be sharing a room? I mean, if I heard that all my stuff wouldn't fit, I would say 'Nope, not gonna happen'. I'd rather have all my stuff than share a room. Hell, I wouldn't even want to share a room in the first place. Of course, I'm an adult and not a teen. Dawn tries to placate MA by saying the rest of her clothes will fit in the closet and MA snaps that she's knows that, she's not stupid. Dawn inwardly bitches that MA must get crabby when she doesn't get enough sleep. Or it could be that moving sucks and she's leaving the only home she'd ever known. I hate Dawn.
As they try to stuff everything into Dawn's room, they hear Tigger crying. MA runs out to look for him and finds him crying in the hallway. And Dawn, bitch Dawn, starts her inner bitching again (this is gonna be a running theme, trust me) about how God! That poor, confused, probably scared kitten won't shut up! Gawl! Sorry but I have no sympathy for people who don't like cats. I'd throw them all into a volcano if I could (with some exceptions, Dawn is not one of them). She also bitches about how MA is running around trying to keep Tigger from getting stepped on because she cares so much about animals, right? Oh, I forgot. Tigger is a carnivore and therefore a little Satan. Although I will point out that it's pretty dumb of MA to not keep him in his pet taxi till things calm down. And that just reminds me of when I moved and some shitty kid poured orange soda on Jynxie while she was in her taxi. I wanted to punch that little shit so hard.
On Sunday things are going better, Tigger stopped crying and they're getting things moved in. The decide to wear each other's clothes the next day and what? Dawn is tall and Mary Anne is short so how is that gonna work out? Sure it might work but are they really that close in body size? Like the only thing I can share with friends are shoes. And even that's not perfect. But maybe all the BSC members are variations on the same clone so they all have the same size waist. They're made in a shady underground factory.
It's Jeff's time to go home and Dawn notes that he looks 'concerned'. He takes her aside and says that he didn't like how MA acted this weekend. So, shitty attitudes run in the family? Because all I saw her do was get sad over leaving the only home she's ever known and worry about her pet getting hurt. Someone needs to sing them the empathy song. ~Empathy! Empathy! Put yourself in the place of me!~ And Dawn, stupid hypocritical Dawn, tells Jeff to ease up, she just didn't want to move. Um, yeah? And where was this attitude when you were bitching about her, bitch? I hate Dawn.
Chapter 4
Monday at a BSC meeting and MA and Dawn are both in bad moods. MA's mad because Dawn tripped over Tigger and Dawn is again mad at her showing concern over her tiny kitty, because gawl! He wasn't even hurt, you don't have to give me a Look! I wonder if she apologised for it (Dawn not Mary Anne). I'm guessing not. I just don't get Dawn. I mean, I thought all the hippy kids loved all animals and worried about them. I know in some book she says that she doesn't eat red meat, not because of the poor cows but because it doesn't taste good. She's a shitty environmentalist. And again with these girls getting all butthurt over a look. They also are mad at each other because MA found bean sprouts in the fridge, thought they were mold and Dawn laughed at her.
Oh, God. Late club exposition. Time to skim again. I guess since this is before 'Dawn Saves the Planet', Dawn doesn't pitch a shit fit over the fact that the club goes through 'millions' of fliers. Or maybe it's just more to do with her being a shitty environmentalist. Or it could be that Kristy said she'd cut off her pinky if she complained about any aspect of the club. Then she can't play piano. She also doesn't say anything about the fact that Claudia provides them with junk food. Give it a couple of books and she'll be bitching about the evils of sugar and fat and salt. Shut up, Dawn. You didn't say anything this time but shut up anyway.
They collect dues and take jobs and normal boring club stuff. Mal turns down Claud's snacks and they ask her what's wrong. She says she doesn't feel too hot (And never will! Buh-dum-tiss!) and Jessi checks her forehead and says it feels like she has a fever. MA tells her to switch places so she'll be more comfortable and I just hate this book. I hate for things that aren't even in it. Right now I'm hating the fact that they're worried about Mal when they treated her like shit when she had mono. Maybe it's because they feel the fever right away and when she had mono there were no symptoms other then her being tired. Jesus Christ! Kristy even tells her to head home and rest! What the fuck kinda Bizarro World is this?! Well, this is only #31 so I guess she hasn't gone full Kris Jong Il yet.
Chapter 5
So it turns out Mal has chicken pox and probably caught it from the Newtons. This is why I stopped working with children. I was really worried about catching something because I've never had chicken pox or the measles and that's basically a death sentence. Too bad. I miss it at times. Anyway they're able to fill up her jobs with no problem save for one with the Perkins. And the problem is that both MA and Dawn are free. And here's a line that drives me up the fucking wall 'Usually when more than one of us is available to take a job, us BSC members are really nice about saying things like, “You go ahead and sit for Charlotte, Stacey. We know she’s your favorite kid.”' Oh, hohoho! So! It's okay that the sitters have favourite kids and get first crack at jobs with them but a kid can't have a favourite or request a certain sitter?! That is such bullshit. And bad for business! Why can't Kristy see that? Has she never heard of 'giving the customer what they want'? This book is something else.
Anyway! There's a fight brewing because both MA and Dawn want that job. Dawn wants it because she's saving up for a 'now we're sisters' present for MA. They start snipping on each other on 'I want the job! No I want it!' and MA calls Dawn fat. Dawn takes offense because being fat is worse than being an asshole. Kristy falcon punches Claudia's desk and tell them to can it. She makes them draw straws and Mary Anne wins. Dawn of course, inwardly bitches. And she's still mad about that damn bouquet! I'm a Capricorn and we are the grudge carryingest mofos out there and even I want her to shut up. Of course, I usually want Dawn to shut up. Dawn tells her that she hopes the girls are monsters and I think about how lisaerin is working on the theory that they are indeed monsters. Now I feel like drawing a little girl based monster.
Two days later Dawn is in their room eating a granola bar and reading ghost stories because that's all her personality is besides being a massive bitch. MA comes in and tries to start a conversation but Dawn is still butthurt. So, even though MA is obviously trying to make amends, she keeps being a petulant little brat. Anyways, the stories about how cute and precious and smart the Perkins girls are breaks Dawn out of her funk and they're all pally again. They say 'Good night, sis' to each other and I feel my teeth ache. But then again, I'm an only child and very happy in that fact because I'm very selfish. Maybe those with siblings can give me some insight on what you call each other.