Reincarnation Part Eleven
Decisions
When Harold was able to collect himself enough to stand on his own again, Jessica released his arm but remained a steady presence by his side. While Finch’s legs no longer felt weak and unstable his voice still wavered and cracked in disbelief. “How…. Is this really happening?”
“Yes, it is Harold.” Jessica placed a hand on his shoulder to reassure him and tried to explain what was happening. “We are allowed to visit those we left behind anytime, in general, we don’t. It’s too painful at first. Not actual pain, but like breathing, it’s the memory of it. It hurts just as much to remember. There are some who get past this and others never do. I have been able to, that’s why I guided you here.”
Harold looked away from the scene before him and to the woman next to him; his face a mask of confusion and stammered, “Na...Nathan knew about John and I. H-How? I-I am here...all I feel right now is confused.”
Jessica squeezed his shoulder and smiled indulgently, “I know it’s disconcerting.” She sighed heavily, “I know it’s hard to understand and I’m probably just adding to your turmoil. I’m sorry for that.” Jessica determinedly tried to explain anyways, “Your friend Nathan, he’s looked in on you, as much as he’s been able to. Even though he’s accepted you’re moving on with John it still bothers him to actually watch.”
“As for you...it’s hard to explain. You’re still tethered to the world of the living. You can be here without having to make the choice to be, you just are.”
Harold, despite Jessica’s efforts to clear things up, was more confused than ever. Finch shook his head and started to plead for answers that he could understand, “I don’t….” He halted before getting more words out and turned his head towards the confrontation between John and Shaw.
"I still want to kill you for this! But that would be too quick, too painless. Having to decide to end Harold’s life will be more painful than anything I could ever do to you.”
Shaw’s voice was cold and dripped with hatred. Harold stepped back a bit, staring in disbelief as Shaw headed for the door.
“Do it anyways, Shaw.”
“What?”
“After this. Kill me too.”
Finch looked on, stunned into silence, hearing Shaw’s vengeful words and John’s utterly defeated, hopeless plea for Shaw to end John’s own life as well.
Harold could see Shaw slam out the door in his peripheral vision but his focus was entirely on John. Finch watched the tears rolling down John’s face and heard his whispered, “I love you so much.”
The man standing, unseen next to Jessica, watched as his distraught lover leaned over the bed where Harold’s own body was laying. John rested his head on the still rising chest of the shell that used to contain Harold Finch. Harold couldn't help moving closer to the bed and reaching out to stroke John’s hair. “I love you too John, so much.”
Jessica looked on at the two men not intruding in their sorrow, but she remained there silently waiting, knowing that soon she would be needed again.
Harold didn't know how long he remained standing there stroking John’s hair and watching him sleep. ‘I can’t leave him but do I want to go back?’ was the question that ran through Harold’s mind over and over. Jessica was here to help him, Finch knew he only had to ask her how he could go back and she would tell him, but he also had to ask of himself, did he really want to. Even after all he had seen and heard, after everything Nathan, Carter and even Jessica had told him, doubt still had a powerful hold on him.
And Harold needed to ask, to decide, but he couldn't move away from touching John just yet, feeling that connection. He would love John, always, but Harold still had doubts about the depth of John's love for him. John's feelings for Carter, his reaction to her death, John's abandoning him still hurt Finch deeply.
The screaming of alarms somewhere in the hospital and John’s jerking awake broke the spell.
“I don’t want to let you go, but I can’t allow you to suffer like this either. I won’t ask you to forgive me Finch. I know I’ll never forgive myself.”
The idea of more suffering, of more physical therapy, of being even more of a burden in his own battered body was repellent to Harold. If Harold left this plane for good to be with Nathan, all his injuries would be gone. He would be free from this crippling prison of pain. He would be happy with Nathan for the first time ever. It was what Harold had always wanted with Nathan. The man would always be his first love.
Harold nodded to himself. Yes, leaving now would be best. John is young. He can start over. Maybe, maybe this time John could find a good woman and settle down. John would have made a loving and devoted father. Maybe John had wanted that with Carter and her son Taylor?
Right before Harold was going to take his final leave of John and this world, John’s broken plea to Miss Shaw rang in Harold’s ears. “After this. Kill me too.”
Harold‘s head whipped around to really look at John. No beard covered the handsome face this time. Yet, the desperation, the bleak reality, the loss of hope and lack of a will to live was written clearly on John’s haggard features. Just as John was planning to die on the streets of New York three years ago, once again John Reese welcomed death as a blessed relief.
If Harold died now, John would either get Miss Shaw to kill him or he would take himself out. Losing Jessica was a deep cut that had been re-opened by losing Carter. The wound wasn’t healed and would bleed out should another blow strike the man. Losing Harold right now would surely be a death sentence for John Reese.
“I can’t let you do this John. I’ll find a way back to you.” Harold cried out even knowing John couldn't hear him. He tore his eyes away from the man who had now taken one hand of the still body’s and Harold looked over at Jessica, still waiting patiently next to the room’s windows. “How can I get back to him? I love him. I can’t let John destroy what’s left of his life before he ends it!” Harold begged of her.
Jessica nodded; pleased it seemed Harold had made the right choice. “Come with me,” she motioned him to follow her out of the room. Before Harold reached her so they could, the doctor they’d seen leaving earlier before came back into the room.
Jessica grabbed his arm trying to pull Harold out of the room, pleading with him, “You don’t need to hear this.” Harold didn't heed her warning instead he stood there watching John doing what he thought was best.
John was trying to hold back his tears but was failing as he choked out, “Take him off support. I have to let him go.”
Harold broke free of the hold Jessica still had on his arm and fled out the door on his own when another surgeon entered the room to speak to John about donating his body’s organs. He was looking out a window in a lobby across from the room when he felt Jessica’s presence. “It was just so unsettling. I should never have fixed it so John had the final say. Tell me what to do, I need to go back. I can’t do this to him!”
Jessica hummed her approval. “Yes. We had to be sure that you really wanted it. It’s not easy; the agony is intense while you return to your body. Then there is the physical damage that was done to it. You’ll have that; the healing may never be complete. You won't remember this place or that you chose to go back to the frailties of your human body. Is John worth it?”
“Yes…” Harold’s fears and doubts disappeared in an instant with that one word. “Yes, he is.”
Harold had been so focused on his own dilemma, it never crossed his mind that Jessica had loved John too and she was giving him up in a way. “I’m sorry.”
As Finch tried to apologize further, Jessica just smiled at him. “Just promise me you’ll keep taking good care of him. That is the only apology I’ll ever need. Now, we need to get you back.” Her eyes widened when she saw some other medical personnel entering the room. “Hurry we don’t have much time!” She grabbed his arm again pulling him into the room once more.
John was still sitting next to the bed, his eyes even more red rimmed from crying and he was softly speaking to himself saying “I’m sorry Harold” over and over.
“What do I do?” Harold was panicking now. These people were waiting for his last breath, his last heartbeat before they whisked his body off to surgery somewhere.
Jessica shoved Finch next to the bed and hurriedly told him, “Just close your eyes and see yourself going back. That’s it, trust me. Now go!.”
Harold did and closed his eyes.
Jessica whispered to the empty air as Harold’s form shimmered and disappeared. “I love you John. Be happy my love.” She disappeared herself going back to her own piece of heaven.
Nathan Ingram was sitting alone in the cabin, a bittersweet smile on his face. “Be happy Harold, you will forever be my friend.”
Joss Carter sat looking out over the ocean once again. “Be happy my vigilante friends. I’ll see you both here on the other side someday."
The pain was excruciating, but Harold kept fighting through it. He kept swimming against the dark torrents of agony, his need to be with John again spurring him on. Then the darkness and torment turned to light. Harold briefly opened his eyes, to the face he wanted to see more than heaven itself, “John?” before closing them again.
~~~~
John sat at Harold’s side and watched as the nurse removed the breathing tube, pulled out the IV needle from Harold’s arm, and unfastened the pressure cuff. John himself reached over and turned the machines off. Along with the doctors, John waited for the RN listening to Harold’s heart with a stethoscope to tell them all Harold was gone.
None of them expected the shocked nurse exclaiming excitedly “Doctor you need to hear this!”
“This shouldn't be happening!” the doctor confirmed though disbelieving, “Mr. Tanager is breathing on his own.”
"Harold! Harold!" Reese had called out and grabbed Finch's hand. John couldn't believe what he was hearing though until Harold opened his eyes briefly and tried calling him by name." Tears of joy started streaming down his face.
The doctors rushed him out of the room; they needed to run tests they said. They would let him back in the room when they found out what was happening and why; they would let him know.
But John only knew and cared about one thing. Harold had found a way back to him.
~*~
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Epilogue