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The kitten is sweet and loves me. But all I can think about when I see him is that he's not Dude. It's breaking my heart even more. Goddamnit.

It's easy to forget that Dude's gone when it's nighttime. Usually he's off sleeping somewhere. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks: he's not here anymore. He's in the little suede box that we got from the crematorium. My big ball of fluff was shrunk down into that little tiny box. That little critter that filled such a big spot in my heart ( Read more... )

Things are a little better today. I decided to make an ornament along with the photo album for Danny for Xmas so that has been keeping him very close to my heart. Then last night, I saw two little grey kittens that these two guys had just adopted and they reminded me so much of Dude that it warmed my heart. I honestly feel like his soul will go ( Read more... )

http://athenaworth.shutterfly.com/pictures/14

I've decided to make a Shutterfly album of him for Danny for Christmas. Going through the photos seems to help. We also saw our marriage counselor last night and he helped me with the guilt part of it. I think I'll always feel like I could've done something to help, but now at least I *think* I'm over the worry that he thought we abandoned him ( Read more... )

Therapy may have helped me get over my biggest guilt hurdles, but I think i will always feel like I could've saved him if I'd been home. I still keep thinking it's all a bad dream. I never thought my heart could hurt this much.

Danny's been so amazingly strong even though his heart is just as broken as mine. I really truly love him and really truly forgive him for his past trangressions. He just IM'ed this to me: I didn't want to tell you this, but I had a talk with Bella in the bedroom and said, "Bella - where's Dudee??? where's Dudee??" and then she looked underneath ( Read more... )

I am going longer and longer between sob-fests. I think part of what's keeping them at bay is that I keep pretending to myself that he's at home sleeping right now. I even made a little bed up for him and put his mousie there so he could sleep there. It's probably not healthy, but it's working for now.

I sat on the floor and cried tonight. It made me cry even harder when I realized that Dude wouldn't come o er and check on me and lay in my lap to make me feel better. When will I ever find that kind of love again? He loved me more than I've ever deserved to be loved.