wow. well...it's been five years. i heard the ancient tombs of my past calling to me or something, because I have just spent a couple of hours revisiting my old blogs. it always feels weird to do this. at 31 years old, married, and a recluse, i feel i have lost so much of my old self. i can never shake the feeling that i am empty now and that i ( Read more... )

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I can't stop listening to this song ( Read more... )

in the process of disassembling every construct i can in my mind/life. seeing what makes up what. what has value, what is meaningless? or rather, since i alone decide what has value and what doesn't since nothing is inherently meaningful and meaning is up to me to assign, i am deciding what value i wish to assign to the many pieces of my mind/ ( Read more... )

leaving my lover at the airport today did not end in tears. my heart has come far in four months and i am so proud of that. in love, in love, in love for what is possibly the first genuine time in my life -- no trace of hesitancy, no areas of tension, no blank spaces. dissolved. when i am with him, i feel part of something bigger, something ( Read more... )

i can feel my heart beat in every inch of my body ( Read more... )

in two weeks, i'll do a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat. for 10 days there's no talking, no journaling, no music, no reading, nothing - except breathing. except meditating. and we're not talking about "think of nothing" meditating...although that is some of it, some of it is "focus on your breathing, become your breath", but more than that ( Read more... )

my broken heart followed me into my dreams last night, but tonight, i think, will be better.

here's a picture of me in front of the pacific ocean at muir beach. i was mid-squinty giggle at my love.


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there is a part of me he can't claim, and lately i have been paying particular attention to that part, drawing much of my inspiration from it. it is such a strange feeling, but it goes like this: it seems to me i've been waiting my whole life to meet a man who could fill my heart with happiness, seemingly without end, who makes the whole world ( Read more... )

-sigh- starting this with a sigh is exactly what this requires....my boyfriend cheated on me but it didn't really hurt.  i'm not sure that being "in love" is healthy or will ever be fulfilling.  i don't know if committed relationships can be fulfilling for me at all at this point in my life.  i've been reading and writing a lot of poetry.  my ( Read more... )

in two days, todd will be gone from this town.  at first i thought i wanted to see him before he left (he expressed a desire to see me) but i changed my mind about it.  he just called and asked me to have lunch before he leaves on saturday and i told him no.  he's the first boyfriend i've ever had that upon breaking up, i actually decided that i ( Read more... )