numb is easy
wow. well...it's been five years. i heard the ancient tombs of my past calling to me or something, because I have just spent a couple of hours revisiting my old blogs. it always feels weird to do this. at 31 years old, married, and a recluse, i feel i have lost so much of my old self. i can never shake the feeling that i am empty now and that i have accepted that emptiness.
all the friendships i have lost -- i feel remorse...i see where i dropped the ball, repeatedly. it's true that i do not really enjoy having people in my life anymore. i can analyze that but ultimately i am fine with it.
marriage is hard. they say it is rewarding for working through the hard stuff and sharing your life with another person. i'm waiting on that to come. i couldn't want anything more in a man but i am not sure that i will ever let go of craving aloneness, solitude.
i hope this life i am trying to build works out. these days i feel above all else an intense duality which is comprised of that longing for deep solitude and the desire to create a family. perhaps that duality is here to stay.
oh, and that previous journal entry from Albuquerque...i did lose my mind. or rather, it broke. i broke. i split. my Self split. thinking of the desert is still the only thing that makes me feel truly alive in that old, tidal, infinite way.
all the friendships i have lost -- i feel remorse...i see where i dropped the ball, repeatedly. it's true that i do not really enjoy having people in my life anymore. i can analyze that but ultimately i am fine with it.
marriage is hard. they say it is rewarding for working through the hard stuff and sharing your life with another person. i'm waiting on that to come. i couldn't want anything more in a man but i am not sure that i will ever let go of craving aloneness, solitude.
i hope this life i am trying to build works out. these days i feel above all else an intense duality which is comprised of that longing for deep solitude and the desire to create a family. perhaps that duality is here to stay.
oh, and that previous journal entry from Albuquerque...i did lose my mind. or rather, it broke. i broke. i split. my Self split. thinking of the desert is still the only thing that makes me feel truly alive in that old, tidal, infinite way.