(no subject)
in the process of disassembling every construct i can in my mind/life. seeing what makes up what. what has value, what is meaningless? or rather, since i alone decide what has value and what doesn't since nothing is inherently meaningful and meaning is up to me to assign, i am deciding what value i wish to assign to the many pieces of my mind/life/heart. what truth is objective and stands apart from the vastness of truth that is subjective?
people have been telling me constantly that they envy me, especially women i encounter in the familiar (and always odd and usually ingenuine) temporary relationship that occurs within the context of stores/offices. i tell them about my life right now and they get a dreamy look on their face. i hear a lot, "do it while you're young, before you have kids and get married!" i also hear a lot, "i wouldn't change my life now, but i'm envious!" and the occasional, "i have always wanted to do something like that..." my family most likely thinks i'm a little irresponsible and impractical and strange, and they're probably not far off, but i just wonder -- do that many people really not follow their daydreams? if not, what do all these people construct their lives from? that is the only way i know how to live. my daydreams get more and more vivid until they become reality. it seems like an idea has to sit for a little while before picking up momentum, and certainly not all of them have been followed through on, but sooner or later, the pull is too strong to ignore... what goes on in other people's minds that they don't live like that? my uncle asked me yesterday why i was moving to new mexico and the best way i could give a brief answer was, "well, i had a dream about it." maybe i am a ridiculously impractical person, incapable of ever constructing anything of lasting substance in my life... and i want to tell them, "don't be too envious; i'm knowingly becoming an abusive amphetamine user as we speak and i'm incapable of having more than one responsibility at a time without running away and because i am so idealistic i will be in debt until i die and i've lost God for what is actually the first time although at first glance i thought it was the second time and every experience i've had that has made me feel as if something of value is happening in my life has been just a construction of my mind and happiness is not real and sadness is not real and the only thing that I can believe at this point to be real is a huge apathetic void."
anyway, tomorrow i'm flying back to the northwest and visiting my friends and lover for a few weeks before packing up my little car yet again and moving to Albuquerque, NM. i may or may not have a place to live by the time i get there. i have never been there before and I don't know anyone there and I have never been to the SW before and I have no idea if my expectations will be what it is really like, but here is a little of what i anticipate:
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
my skin will flake smoke, my blood will course thin
my heart will seek mesas, those stubborn kin
the moon will quench the scattered below,
liquid silver awash on stretches no life should go
in the morning, the stubborn mesas will sing
"it wandered too far, too far for some living thing
and now it is white bone, red dust, parched breath."
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
and my dreams will be thick with strange, dry death
so much nothingness, so much dirt and rock and dust, so much desolation...and in the middle of that nothingness will be a chaotic city, a swirling mess of humanity. and i will slink along in the background, observing it all unfold before me with curious apathy... everything will be new, everything will be a mystery, everything will be waiting to be explored. and i'll go on desert adventures and find tons of cool rocks and maybe some gems or fossils!
so, right. a lot of stuff is about to happen; life is about to pick up some speed. so, so, so ready! air drumming to 13 songs and packing.
reading list:
the brothers karamazov
nausea
the myth of sisyphus
the fall
the long loneliness
black elk speaks
slaughterhouse five
people have been telling me constantly that they envy me, especially women i encounter in the familiar (and always odd and usually ingenuine) temporary relationship that occurs within the context of stores/offices. i tell them about my life right now and they get a dreamy look on their face. i hear a lot, "do it while you're young, before you have kids and get married!" i also hear a lot, "i wouldn't change my life now, but i'm envious!" and the occasional, "i have always wanted to do something like that..." my family most likely thinks i'm a little irresponsible and impractical and strange, and they're probably not far off, but i just wonder -- do that many people really not follow their daydreams? if not, what do all these people construct their lives from? that is the only way i know how to live. my daydreams get more and more vivid until they become reality. it seems like an idea has to sit for a little while before picking up momentum, and certainly not all of them have been followed through on, but sooner or later, the pull is too strong to ignore... what goes on in other people's minds that they don't live like that? my uncle asked me yesterday why i was moving to new mexico and the best way i could give a brief answer was, "well, i had a dream about it." maybe i am a ridiculously impractical person, incapable of ever constructing anything of lasting substance in my life... and i want to tell them, "don't be too envious; i'm knowingly becoming an abusive amphetamine user as we speak and i'm incapable of having more than one responsibility at a time without running away and because i am so idealistic i will be in debt until i die and i've lost God for what is actually the first time although at first glance i thought it was the second time and every experience i've had that has made me feel as if something of value is happening in my life has been just a construction of my mind and happiness is not real and sadness is not real and the only thing that I can believe at this point to be real is a huge apathetic void."
anyway, tomorrow i'm flying back to the northwest and visiting my friends and lover for a few weeks before packing up my little car yet again and moving to Albuquerque, NM. i may or may not have a place to live by the time i get there. i have never been there before and I don't know anyone there and I have never been to the SW before and I have no idea if my expectations will be what it is really like, but here is a little of what i anticipate:
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
my skin will flake smoke, my blood will course thin
my heart will seek mesas, those stubborn kin
the moon will quench the scattered below,
liquid silver awash on stretches no life should go
in the morning, the stubborn mesas will sing
"it wandered too far, too far for some living thing
and now it is white bone, red dust, parched breath."
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
and my dreams will be thick with strange, dry death
so much nothingness, so much dirt and rock and dust, so much desolation...and in the middle of that nothingness will be a chaotic city, a swirling mess of humanity. and i will slink along in the background, observing it all unfold before me with curious apathy... everything will be new, everything will be a mystery, everything will be waiting to be explored. and i'll go on desert adventures and find tons of cool rocks and maybe some gems or fossils!
so, right. a lot of stuff is about to happen; life is about to pick up some speed. so, so, so ready! air drumming to 13 songs and packing.
reading list:
the brothers karamazov
nausea
the myth of sisyphus
the fall
the long loneliness
black elk speaks
slaughterhouse five