(no subject)

[amelanchier]

there is a part of me he can't claim, and lately i have been paying particular attention to that part, drawing much of my inspiration from it. it is such a strange feeling, but it goes like this: it seems to me i've been waiting my whole life to meet a man who could fill my heart with happiness, seemingly without end, who makes the whole world make more sense and seem more beautiful just by being next to me. now that i've found him, it gives me a great deal of peace. it frees me, gives me inspiration, makes me feel complete. it's sort of like, "the search is officially off!" but i have always known that i would have to let this one go. and so, i have, essentially; i will leave him by fall and he knows it. it has always been clear to me that i would have to leave him because i would never get over it if he left me, but i can't stay here - i've got to get going on with my life, to whatever comes next - so it's me that will do it. i keep trying to figure out what he will be to me in the future, if he will be a beautiful one year that healed me, changed me, and guided me to become the woman i will be or if he will know and love that woman, if it will go beyond our time in this little town. but the only way it will ever work is for him to experience the women who will come after me, roam the streets he will roam whose names i will never know, and all the while keep me in his heart. maybe we will write eachother letters now and again; maybe we will meet in strange cities and have sex in unfamiliar beds. there is no way to know. and the thing of it is that all of this calms me, gives me peace, even sometimes makes me happy - to know that i have met the man i have been waiting to meet, and that there is nothing left to do but let him go.




august: california
september/october: maryland
also in october: vipassana
november-february: new zealand