I am unwell.

What do you want from me?

I cannot. Will not. I won't.

I want to disappear.

Can't regulate temperature
Head pounding
Eyes stinging
Upset stomach
Running to the toilet
(Am I going to vomit?)
(Or shit my brains out?)
Right calf on the heating pad
Stretching, massaging
Mind racing
Ears ringing
Feet tingling
Everything feels hollow
Everything aches

Did I mention that I want to peel my skin off?

A full body reaction
Unyielding waves of heart ( Read more... )

I've been crying for a solid hour and I'm holding back the throw up. I can't stop shaking and I can't stop crying. I am a fucking mess. My whole body feels like it's atrophying around me.

I can't do this anymore. I know I have to keep going. I don't want to hurt myself or disappear forever. Even if I want to disappear right now.

I just want to feel ( Read more... )

In the few moments I did sleep I had a deliriously vivid dream that all my fingernails came off and I was bleeding uncontrollably at work while inappropriate videos played on the large screen TV. People kept asking me questions I couldn't answer.

I thought we were supposed to be positive. I'm trying so hard. I want the communication. I want to know ( Read more... )

They say everything comes to an end.

Then why not now. When will this end. When will these feelings stop.

These feelings are too much. I feel so alone, which is endlessly frustrating when I know there's someone out there I so desperately care about who's feeling more alone than I do. And I can't do a damn thing about it.

I can't do a damn thing about ( Read more... )

Tomorrow I am going to a Primary Care Physician for the first time in over 20 years. I carry so much shame and pain in my physical identity, in my body, that I swore off doctors. I wish I could say that this will be fine, that this won't in any way be scary, painful, or traumatizing. I've been experiencing some alarming new developments over the ( Read more... )

I've been thinking alot about the phrase, "You got what you wanted and lost what you had."

Being real is hard. Really hard. Something beautiful can come of it. I just know it.

It's painful right now, in this dark place. It won't always feel like this. I have hope, even just a small grasp on it.

I can't take the sounds. I fold every time. So easy to do ( Read more... )

And over night, it changed. Grew. Breathed anew. This thing was so small, uncertain. Possibly the end. The bitter finality of a moment.

And then, it changed. Giving in gave it room. And it was good. So easy. So good. Natural even. Like drinking water on a hot day with a burning throat.

And in me, something changed. To see the world in color again. ( Read more... )

I'm struggling. I had horrible nightmares. In one I was fighting to stay alive from zombie hoardes, but all the people I was with were idiots. I kept having to kill zombies without any real weapons. It was exhausting. And then in another one I was pleading to someone that was supposed to care about me, to not lock me in the box because I was afraid ( Read more... )

Another season change. I'm lonely.

How is that I only want to sleep, but yet struggle to stay away or can't sleep at all.

That was a good ending to a book. I miss reading. I haven't been to the library since January of 2020. I wish I could work there...