An ending
They say everything comes to an end.
Then why not now. When will this end. When will these feelings stop.
These feelings are too much. I feel so alone, which is endlessly frustrating when I know there's someone out there I so desperately care about who's feeling more alone than I do. And I can't do a damn thing about it.
I can't do a damn thing about the fact that my dad has cancer. Even if it hasn't spread past his prostate, I feel this overwhelming sadness and dread.
I can't do anything about the suicidal thoughts I've been having for a whole week now. I'm trying to stay afloat here. Find the positives. Does that just mean I'm not talking about things? Does that mean I'm hiding?
I can't do anything about this feeing of confusion. I've got my brain all mixed up with the kind things I'm told and then the harsh reality comes tumbling down. All I do is hurt people. What little happiness I do bring is eclipsed by the unhappiness I bring.
Therapy is just showing me how ill equipped I am to hold anyone's love and care. I feel like I'm a monster undeserving of love. But not because I'm a monster...but because I constantly let people down no matter how much I care. No matter how hard I try.
Yet I can't give up. I have to keep going. It matters. It's real. It's important to me. I have to find whatever strength left to keep on fighting.
Visiting my PCP was nothing. More like a questionnaire and a back massage. And they said I have to go to a gyno. I scheduled that (more shame, guilt, and anxiety await me) as soon as I could: June 20th. I'm honestly scared of what they will tell me. Why haven't I stopped bleeding. Why is this happening to me. I'm so terrified to know. Because nothing feels fine. Nothing is right.
Crying silently into the pillow, trying not to suck snot back and be heard. I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I don't wait to feel anything anymore. If I hide, patiently wait for me. Be patient with me, for I am struggling. Be patient.
I'll always be waiting for you.
I wish I could treat myself with the kindness I want to give to everyone else.