Why I broke 2 weeks ago and the Reasons behind it... :-(
What happened.... ... Hard to believe it's just over 2 weeks since I felt that I broke. I have had some extremely hard stressful situations going on.
Current Stresses for that day (almost all of whom are ongoing still) ... #15 #17 worst
1) The extreme stress of changing the agency & being deeply unsure about this.
2) The stress of the then current agency who finished in 2 days.
3) the stress of then unknown new agency with new carers all over again.
4) Saying goodbye to the Carers particularly Royalty was very hard & upsetting as was Not seeing others to say goodbye to :-(
5) Receiving a most beautiful parcel of photos of Coz/Kevin & his mum & family sent by the neighbour. But learning that all of Coz & his mothers house & precious to them items have been thrown in a Skip. It's a terrible thought, a lifetime, their whole lives & what is left over is simply flung by Strangers in a skip for landfill.
6) The stress of the long Financial battle to come with Social Services as they're trying to illegally take money from me. Again.
7) The recent Stresses of not being able to tell Social Services and Direct Payments I needed help but they were instead threatening me with removing my Care.
8) The stress of waiting to hear from Two different solicitors about separate issues at present & Neither are responding. This is going on many months for one, several months for the other with impending deadline closing.
9) The delay with the replacement Powerchair, Waiting for info/return visits etc. This has continued as the new powerchair was delivered - without battery or charger(!) then had to taken away again. No new delivery date yet.
10) Not getting out, I used to have 2-3 agency outings a week, not only was I down to one a week in allowance but the agency were physically unable to take me so other than the argument strewn couple of hours on a Saturday with my parents I wasn't getting out anywhere. At all.
11) Fucking up my new budget thus Losing 2 further hours a week that were meant for Outing :-(
12) Not even being able to get to my doctors, dentist, optician, hospital etc therefore going without treatment or support.
13) Not being able to unwind with miniaturing (or anything) because the agency were So late starting calls (up 3hours) then failed to collect the carer so hours of private time lost then too pissed off/fed up /depressed to want to do any.
14) The finances from SS still not sorted on the weekly Lifeline charge. I pay £4.36 a Week for Lifeline but the Telecare equipment is a further £2 weekly and which of us is to pay remains unresolved...
15) I have to Move. This will mean leaving my adored 100 years old witches cottage tucked away here by the woods in the middle of nowhere. There is fortunately a delay for which I am deeply grateful. I do Not want to leave here but I am in a fucked if I do, fucked if I don't situation. Please understand that I cannot say anymore about why only that the leave is tearing me apart. This has been my adored home for 13 years, I have known for several months & I cannot say how much this rips me apart. I am also not meant to have said this but screw it, I can't go it almost alone anymore :'(
16) I am already downsizing in preparation for this & have been doing this some months now.
17) Cat Cafe. I have ferals here who have been coming all their lives for tea. I have 7 official cats, I will have to take Rain & Dopple with me (Dopple is still semi feral so that will be hard), I will also have to take ancient feral Padre with me who is 100% dependant on me but whom we cannot touch. This will be a nightmare. But what about the others, Mummy Smudge, Dapple who likes to be towel dried but hates to be shut in, Tigsy who hangs out with the others but like the remaining Cat Cafe patrons cannot be touched. These are not homable cats. They are feral. Some have been coming 10/11 Years. There will be no one here to take over, no one to know their names or call them or chat to them. Or who knows who's related to who. Or care about them :'(
18) getting to end of tether for stress...
19) Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in...
20) Knowing that I am moving and not being able to tell people so carers come here and tell me how much they love it here, how hidden it is, how beautiful, how wonderful my little cottage is, the woods around it, the long drive to mine wondering where the heck the house is as it's hidden until you're here ....
So how did I break Saturday 2 weeks ago? :-/ :-( We had got to Northallerton & going down to park, I'd been thinking rather edgily how busy it seemed as obviously I was getting out just 2-3 hours a week, when the most petty argument set up. I'd asked if my parents might be able to nip into my butchers for the outstanding deal that ran out 3 days later. I Rarely do ask for something & have gone without doctor & dental visits because of this. However you'd've thought I'd asked for the world, my father set off at me. He'd totally taken me wrong & wouldn't listen at all, then just took off at me. I started to panic. He carried on going on at me & there's no good way to say this but still in the car I started screaming & shouting over & over "Take me home.I want to go home" Of course I couldn't handle town, let alone the thought of going into the shops & because no-one would listen to me, I tried "I don't want to go shopping" with "Take me home". I was absolutely stressed to hell & panicking. Instead my father thought I was sulking with him, got out the now parked car & went off into a shop leaving me completely trapped in the car :'( I can't get my Powerchair out the car by myself, couldn't have got out the car as there was nowhere near enough to sit, couldn't have rung a taxi as had no numbers or knowledge which ones are accessible. I was utterly trapped, panicked & stressed to fk. With my agoraphobia it is the escape that matters. I was now screaming & screaming "Take me home" "I just want to go home " & no one would listen. I was trying to hide, trying to get my arms over my head which I can't do anymore even when my chin is on my chest. When I tried "I don't want to go shopping" as no one would hear me saying take me home they thought I was just sulking & behaving badly :'( My neuropathy means that I don't have the normal flight or fight responses, I do not get racing heart, sweating or shaking, nor do I get breathing problems so panic is not felt (as such) or recognised due to missing obvious symptoms. All I wanted was to go home. With All the stressed I'm under Plus having no free/me time due to the agency being so late or collecting carers hours late I had no 'escape in hobbies' time Any day. And so as I say, I broke. With the new agency I am feeling better, I am getting well cooked meals at regular times, good support & it shows in me & my home. I am going to take some time off further, this was a tremendous shock, I was stiff for days after too. I am so sorry for the worry I have caused people, I couldn't say what had happened nor could I cope with it. Recovery is slow but coming on.
Current Stresses for that day (almost all of whom are ongoing still) ... #15 #17 worst
1) The extreme stress of changing the agency & being deeply unsure about this.
2) The stress of the then current agency who finished in 2 days.
3) the stress of then unknown new agency with new carers all over again.
4) Saying goodbye to the Carers particularly Royalty was very hard & upsetting as was Not seeing others to say goodbye to :-(
5) Receiving a most beautiful parcel of photos of Coz/Kevin & his mum & family sent by the neighbour. But learning that all of Coz & his mothers house & precious to them items have been thrown in a Skip. It's a terrible thought, a lifetime, their whole lives & what is left over is simply flung by Strangers in a skip for landfill.
6) The stress of the long Financial battle to come with Social Services as they're trying to illegally take money from me. Again.
7) The recent Stresses of not being able to tell Social Services and Direct Payments I needed help but they were instead threatening me with removing my Care.
8) The stress of waiting to hear from Two different solicitors about separate issues at present & Neither are responding. This is going on many months for one, several months for the other with impending deadline closing.
9) The delay with the replacement Powerchair, Waiting for info/return visits etc. This has continued as the new powerchair was delivered - without battery or charger(!) then had to taken away again. No new delivery date yet.
10) Not getting out, I used to have 2-3 agency outings a week, not only was I down to one a week in allowance but the agency were physically unable to take me so other than the argument strewn couple of hours on a Saturday with my parents I wasn't getting out anywhere. At all.
11) Fucking up my new budget thus Losing 2 further hours a week that were meant for Outing :-(
12) Not even being able to get to my doctors, dentist, optician, hospital etc therefore going without treatment or support.
13) Not being able to unwind with miniaturing (or anything) because the agency were So late starting calls (up 3hours) then failed to collect the carer so hours of private time lost then too pissed off/fed up /depressed to want to do any.
14) The finances from SS still not sorted on the weekly Lifeline charge. I pay £4.36 a Week for Lifeline but the Telecare equipment is a further £2 weekly and which of us is to pay remains unresolved...
15) I have to Move. This will mean leaving my adored 100 years old witches cottage tucked away here by the woods in the middle of nowhere. There is fortunately a delay for which I am deeply grateful. I do Not want to leave here but I am in a fucked if I do, fucked if I don't situation. Please understand that I cannot say anymore about why only that the leave is tearing me apart. This has been my adored home for 13 years, I have known for several months & I cannot say how much this rips me apart. I am also not meant to have said this but screw it, I can't go it almost alone anymore :'(
16) I am already downsizing in preparation for this & have been doing this some months now.
17) Cat Cafe. I have ferals here who have been coming all their lives for tea. I have 7 official cats, I will have to take Rain & Dopple with me (Dopple is still semi feral so that will be hard), I will also have to take ancient feral Padre with me who is 100% dependant on me but whom we cannot touch. This will be a nightmare. But what about the others, Mummy Smudge, Dapple who likes to be towel dried but hates to be shut in, Tigsy who hangs out with the others but like the remaining Cat Cafe patrons cannot be touched. These are not homable cats. They are feral. Some have been coming 10/11 Years. There will be no one here to take over, no one to know their names or call them or chat to them. Or who knows who's related to who. Or care about them :'(
18) getting to end of tether for stress...
19) Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in...
20) Knowing that I am moving and not being able to tell people so carers come here and tell me how much they love it here, how hidden it is, how beautiful, how wonderful my little cottage is, the woods around it, the long drive to mine wondering where the heck the house is as it's hidden until you're here ....
So how did I break Saturday 2 weeks ago? :-/ :-( We had got to Northallerton & going down to park, I'd been thinking rather edgily how busy it seemed as obviously I was getting out just 2-3 hours a week, when the most petty argument set up. I'd asked if my parents might be able to nip into my butchers for the outstanding deal that ran out 3 days later. I Rarely do ask for something & have gone without doctor & dental visits because of this. However you'd've thought I'd asked for the world, my father set off at me. He'd totally taken me wrong & wouldn't listen at all, then just took off at me. I started to panic. He carried on going on at me & there's no good way to say this but still in the car I started screaming & shouting over & over "Take me home.I want to go home" Of course I couldn't handle town, let alone the thought of going into the shops & because no-one would listen to me, I tried "I don't want to go shopping" with "Take me home". I was absolutely stressed to hell & panicking. Instead my father thought I was sulking with him, got out the now parked car & went off into a shop leaving me completely trapped in the car :'( I can't get my Powerchair out the car by myself, couldn't have got out the car as there was nowhere near enough to sit, couldn't have rung a taxi as had no numbers or knowledge which ones are accessible. I was utterly trapped, panicked & stressed to fk. With my agoraphobia it is the escape that matters. I was now screaming & screaming "Take me home" "I just want to go home " & no one would listen. I was trying to hide, trying to get my arms over my head which I can't do anymore even when my chin is on my chest. When I tried "I don't want to go shopping" as no one would hear me saying take me home they thought I was just sulking & behaving badly :'( My neuropathy means that I don't have the normal flight or fight responses, I do not get racing heart, sweating or shaking, nor do I get breathing problems so panic is not felt (as such) or recognised due to missing obvious symptoms. All I wanted was to go home. With All the stressed I'm under Plus having no free/me time due to the agency being so late or collecting carers hours late I had no 'escape in hobbies' time Any day. And so as I say, I broke. With the new agency I am feeling better, I am getting well cooked meals at regular times, good support & it shows in me & my home. I am going to take some time off further, this was a tremendous shock, I was stiff for days after too. I am so sorry for the worry I have caused people, I couldn't say what had happened nor could I cope with it. Recovery is slow but coming on.