Gods Forbid I Have Feelings Too
Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.
I find myself getting more jaded by the day, and I’m fairly certain it’s not the depression. People are starting to show their true selves to me, and it’s quickly reminding me that I’m an anti-humanist for a reason. I mean seriously, lately, a lot of my “friends” are running away as fast as they can. Oh no, Amber isn’t me, thus she’s not good enough to be around me. Well, too all the people ditching out on me because I’m a normal person with normal flaws, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, well, fuck you. I’m getting sick and tired of this shit. Nobody wants to see the whole me, they only want to see the pretty parts, the parts they like. If they enjoy my sense of humor, they don’t want to know about my problems, if they like how upbeat I am, they don’t want to hear my morbid little thoughts. I’m getting really sick of it. It’s getting to the point where the only people who aren’t ditching me like an ass hole are the ones who don’t know me well enough yet, or are Aaron and Tyra.
Maybe I just need to get out of the house more, meet new people, replace all the worthless former friends that are avoiding me like the plague now. At least then I’d have a bit before those new people deserted me. I mean, I know those new people will ditch me in the end, too, but I can try and enjoy myself while I can.
I think I just let myself get too happy there for awhile. When I get all happy and content with life, I lie to myself to keep it that way. I lied to myself about being in love with Jim still during those last few months. I lied to myself about not being miserable at Home Depot. I lied to myself that I can trust people, and see where that got me? I can’t trust anybody to do anything they say, ever. I trusted my mom to put some of that $19,000 away for my college. She bought John a box truck that he couldn’t even use in the end instead. I trusted them both to pay me back that $2,000 the borrowed from me, so that I could pay off Wright State and get back into college. As you might have guessed, I haven’t gotten a fucking dime back from them, and that was 3 years ago. I trusted Jim to help me find a debt consolidation place so I could get back into college. No such luck. Hell, I trusted him to do chores, any chores, ever. Doesn’t happen. I trust people to not leave, and that never happens either. I need to quit trusting people, I need to quit caring so much about everything. It’s the only way to survive my shitty life.
At this point, I wish I could afford to take Whitters up on that offer of going to her place. But damn, bus tickets to Pennsylvania are so expensive. Bus tickets to anywhere farther than down the street are expensive. Figures that some of my only true friends are either out of state or out of country (such as my Alykins). Fuck.