Update: state of the Moogie
Summary: Things feel good. I am going to work less and enjoy life more. Somehow.
Relationship
For some time now ( I can't even recall how long it's been) things with mr_pugh have been awesome. The emotional connection is intense, almost mystical and timeless. Yet being together also been funny and friendly and joyful. As I learn to relax more successfully I think our time together will only improve. I am prioritizing this. So when I say "I have another commitment that day" or "I have another commitment at 6:00pm," it's likely because I'm planning to spend time with him. I'm not yet at a place where I can unapologetically say so, so I'm using these weasel words instead.
We've been together for 17 years. He is the love of my life, and being with him makes me a better and happier person than I ever thought I could be. For the past year now I've been considering getting a tattoo to reflect this. Yes, I am actually considering getting a man's name tattooed on my body. When other people do this, I usually think it is a terrible mistake. Yet this desire persists, sometimes accompanied by the fear that such a move would jinx the relationship.
Tattoo
I'm thinking New School technique but Old School design. I've been unhappy with my current tattoo for some time. It's small, boring, and no longer holds meaning for me. I've been looking at potential replacement designs now that I can afford something good. I'm curious about doing a sleeve, but nervous about altering my body so drastically. I don't want people's faces, or anything creepy or childish. I know some of you are tattooed. I welcome any websites you think are useful. I've looked at a lot of bad tattoos, figuring out what I don't want. I've looked through a lot of books trying to find a venue whose style I like. Recommendations?
Cats
Lily is settling in well. Archie and Nero have stopped avoiding her and are now following her around and smelling her. Part of this likely due to the fact that they associate her with the appearance of wet food, which is their forbidden pleasure.
Our vet checked her out and she's doing well, especially for her age (14). Her thyroid condition is under control, and her heart is strong. She has an infected tooth, is on antibiotics (a liquid mixed into her wet food) and has an appointment on the 16th to get the infected tooth removed. I expect this will clear up any eating problems she's had and enable us to segue to dry food, which is better for her teeth.
Lily is affectionate, friendly, and feisty. And her deafness is sometimes a bonus. Like today, I vacuumed, and she didn't even seem to care. We've been sure to give everyone in the house extra love, which has been enjoyable for me, too.
Work
My job as Risk & Resilience coordinator ends at the end of this month and I begin a fellowship in community based research. Same desk, same boss, same approximate hours, but I'll be focussing on leading my own project (bi women & cannabis study), and on building my CV by writing papers and learning new skills.
I had my performance evaluation last week. As I thought, preparing for it over a six month period made it much less stressful, and far more successful. I am meeting or exceeding expectations, which feels great. I love working on the Re:searching for LGBTQ Health team. I love working for Dr. Lori Ross. I could see doing this for decades--possibly even the rest of my working life. I'm aiming for an independent research scientist position. That would mean I earn more money and I can apply for grants on my own. But if I never get it, and only move from project to project, that's okay too. I'm more of a Spock than a Kirk, and I'm content not to be the Big Boss. I don't want or need that kind of responsibility.
Travel
Throughout October I will be travelling to various parts of Ontario to do interviews to finish off the Risk & Resilience project. I'm going to Burlington on Monday, and I hope to go to Brampton, Kitchener/Waterloo, and London next weekend. I will also be going to Ottawa, and to Thunder Bay. We're prioritizing interviewing cisgendered (i.e., non-trans-identified) men, since our online survey has such a high percentage of cisgendered women (75%). This will be a new experience for me; I've rarely interviewed cisgendered men.
Mental Issues
As some of you might know, I went to a workaholics Anonymous meeting this month. I haven't felt so nervous since I went to my first LGBT youth group, back in 1990. I could relate to what people said about the compulsion to work, the constant worrying, taking on too much and then working overtime to get it all done, not being able to delegate because it "won't get done right," and the inability to relax and enjoy leisure time. I tend to make all my time off into work as well. I take on volunteer work, I sign up for too much, I over-schedule myself. Even my fanfiction writing kind of fits this pattern.
WA connects this crisis-creation behaviour with a childhood where crisis felt normal, and I can definitely relate to that. I couldn't relate to the work avoidance some people described. I like my artificial crises to come from having dumped more and more work on top of the work I already have, apparently, rather than procrastinating until the deadline looms.
I'm exploring some emotionally touchy territory around how I understand myself, my place in the world, my values, and my praxis. I don't know if I'll continue to go (not loving the religious overtones or the sobriety/abstinence model), but it has underscored for me that this is an issue.
As a result, I've made some promises to myself:
I also realize that many of my friend have similar workaholic characteristics (you know who you are). I'm sorry for the times I might have encouraged you to focus on work over life, or to make work your life. But while I'm making changes for me, I will not try to evangelize you or change your life. I have enough work to do now.
Relationship
For some time now ( I can't even recall how long it's been) things with mr_pugh have been awesome. The emotional connection is intense, almost mystical and timeless. Yet being together also been funny and friendly and joyful. As I learn to relax more successfully I think our time together will only improve. I am prioritizing this. So when I say "I have another commitment that day" or "I have another commitment at 6:00pm," it's likely because I'm planning to spend time with him. I'm not yet at a place where I can unapologetically say so, so I'm using these weasel words instead.
We've been together for 17 years. He is the love of my life, and being with him makes me a better and happier person than I ever thought I could be. For the past year now I've been considering getting a tattoo to reflect this. Yes, I am actually considering getting a man's name tattooed on my body. When other people do this, I usually think it is a terrible mistake. Yet this desire persists, sometimes accompanied by the fear that such a move would jinx the relationship.
Tattoo
I'm thinking New School technique but Old School design. I've been unhappy with my current tattoo for some time. It's small, boring, and no longer holds meaning for me. I've been looking at potential replacement designs now that I can afford something good. I'm curious about doing a sleeve, but nervous about altering my body so drastically. I don't want people's faces, or anything creepy or childish. I know some of you are tattooed. I welcome any websites you think are useful. I've looked at a lot of bad tattoos, figuring out what I don't want. I've looked through a lot of books trying to find a venue whose style I like. Recommendations?
Cats
Lily is settling in well. Archie and Nero have stopped avoiding her and are now following her around and smelling her. Part of this likely due to the fact that they associate her with the appearance of wet food, which is their forbidden pleasure.
Our vet checked her out and she's doing well, especially for her age (14). Her thyroid condition is under control, and her heart is strong. She has an infected tooth, is on antibiotics (a liquid mixed into her wet food) and has an appointment on the 16th to get the infected tooth removed. I expect this will clear up any eating problems she's had and enable us to segue to dry food, which is better for her teeth.
Lily is affectionate, friendly, and feisty. And her deafness is sometimes a bonus. Like today, I vacuumed, and she didn't even seem to care. We've been sure to give everyone in the house extra love, which has been enjoyable for me, too.
Work
My job as Risk & Resilience coordinator ends at the end of this month and I begin a fellowship in community based research. Same desk, same boss, same approximate hours, but I'll be focussing on leading my own project (bi women & cannabis study), and on building my CV by writing papers and learning new skills.
I had my performance evaluation last week. As I thought, preparing for it over a six month period made it much less stressful, and far more successful. I am meeting or exceeding expectations, which feels great. I love working on the Re:searching for LGBTQ Health team. I love working for Dr. Lori Ross. I could see doing this for decades--possibly even the rest of my working life. I'm aiming for an independent research scientist position. That would mean I earn more money and I can apply for grants on my own. But if I never get it, and only move from project to project, that's okay too. I'm more of a Spock than a Kirk, and I'm content not to be the Big Boss. I don't want or need that kind of responsibility.
Travel
Throughout October I will be travelling to various parts of Ontario to do interviews to finish off the Risk & Resilience project. I'm going to Burlington on Monday, and I hope to go to Brampton, Kitchener/Waterloo, and London next weekend. I will also be going to Ottawa, and to Thunder Bay. We're prioritizing interviewing cisgendered (i.e., non-trans-identified) men, since our online survey has such a high percentage of cisgendered women (75%). This will be a new experience for me; I've rarely interviewed cisgendered men.
Mental Issues
As some of you might know, I went to a workaholics Anonymous meeting this month. I haven't felt so nervous since I went to my first LGBT youth group, back in 1990. I could relate to what people said about the compulsion to work, the constant worrying, taking on too much and then working overtime to get it all done, not being able to delegate because it "won't get done right," and the inability to relax and enjoy leisure time. I tend to make all my time off into work as well. I take on volunteer work, I sign up for too much, I over-schedule myself. Even my fanfiction writing kind of fits this pattern.
WA connects this crisis-creation behaviour with a childhood where crisis felt normal, and I can definitely relate to that. I couldn't relate to the work avoidance some people described. I like my artificial crises to come from having dumped more and more work on top of the work I already have, apparently, rather than procrastinating until the deadline looms.
I'm exploring some emotionally touchy territory around how I understand myself, my place in the world, my values, and my praxis. I don't know if I'll continue to go (not loving the religious overtones or the sobriety/abstinence model), but it has underscored for me that this is an issue.
As a result, I've made some promises to myself:
- To not take on additional work for six months. I already have plenty.
- To spend my off time doing things I enjoy (reading fiction, watching movies, shopping for clothes), that do not have a deadline, schedule, or work-related purpose.
- To make my physical and mental health a priority. Eat well, exercise, breathe, etc.
I also realize that many of my friend have similar workaholic characteristics (you know who you are). I'm sorry for the times I might have encouraged you to focus on work over life, or to make work your life. But while I'm making changes for me, I will not try to evangelize you or change your life. I have enough work to do now.