Achromatic Ecstasy, part 11
Title: Achromatic Ecstasy
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,753
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10
Hongbin finally manages to drag Jaehwan out to the playground the day after, when they've both calmed themselves down a little from Taekwoon's visit. They climb up on the rocks to soak in the sun, Hongbin with his camera in his hands, Jaehwan looking exhausted.
The older lies down on top of their miniature mountain, a soft breeze relieving him from the intensity of the sun. Hongbin stands beside him, snapping picture after picture of his relaxed face.
”Are you documenting the process of me becoming roasted?” Jaehwan asks, squeezing an eye open to look at the younger. ”I'm not used to being in the sun, I'm gonna be hot pink for the rest of the year.”
”Oh, hyung,” Hongbin laughs. ”It's a good thing you look handsome in every color, then.”
Jaehwan laughs, and Hongbin hurries to take another picture. ”I'm thinking of vomit green for next year, how does that sound?”
”Lovely.” Hongbin backs up to fit more of the world in frame, their neighborhood displayed beyond the cliff and Jaehwan's stretched out body.
Jaehwan turns his head back to look at him, and Hongbin feels his heart almost stop at the sight before him. He pushes the button on his camera few times, sure that this will be the next picture to go up on his wall. ”What?” he asks when Jaehwan's gaze turns curious.
”Nothing. I just love watching you work.” Hongbin smiles, crawling back over to Jaehwan on his knees. ”Do you think your mom has told your dad about us yet?”
Hongbin huffs, sitting down next to the older and curling his legs beneath him. ”It's hard to say. Probably not. Right now I think she doesn't want to acknowledge it by mentioning out loud ever again.” Hongbin's father had sent him a message earlier on the day, telling him that he'd set up interviews for him and Jaehwan at the local newspaper, applying for the position of delivery person. It's a job that no one wants, Hongbin knows, because of the uncomfortable working hours, strenuous physical work and low pay; he's heard his father complain about it many times before. Despite all that, he thinks he and Jaehwan can do well with it. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to bring in some cash. And in the message, his father hadn't seemed any different from usual, which to Hongbin meant that he didn't know about him and Jaehwan yet.
”Man, I never thought she would react like that,” Jaehwan says then. ”She's always been so nice to me.”
”When you were my handsome, respectable best friend, yes,” Hongbin says. ”You're every mother's dream, hyung, just not for her only son.”
Jaehwan looks up at him, squinting in the sunlight. ”I guess I shouldn't show my face around her for a while, huh?”
Hongbin shrugs. ”I don't know. She'll just have to get used to it. But maybe we should wait until things have calmed down a little.”
”Whatever you say. She's your mother.” He reaches out for Hongbin's hand, so he lets his camera rest in his lap.
”Is it weird that I think your mother probably knows me better than my own?”
Jaehwan grins. ”No, it'd be weird if she knew you better than I do.”
Humming in reply, Hongbin places his camera beside him on the stone. ”Nobody does,” he says, inching closer to Jaehwan and lying down beside him.
”Nobody?” Jaehwan repeats.
”Nobody.”
The older shuffles even closer, his face turned towards the sky. ”Good. Let's keep it that way.”
Hours later, they're still lying there side by side, watching the clouds drift by. The skin on Jaehwan's cheeks is slowly starting to redden, but Hongbin finds it too cute to say anything about it. Comfortable silence surrounds them as they listen to the wind, and Hongbin is starting to wonder if Jaehwan is at all awake anymore.
”Why haven't we ever come out here to look at the stars?” he asks. Jaehwan opens his eyes, but simply blinks in confusion. ”It'd be perfect to lie here at night.”
”Maybe,” Jaehwan replies, stretching a little. ”How about we do it tomorrow night?” he offers, turning over on his side to face Hongbin better. ”We can't do it tonight, I can only take so much fresh air in a single day.”
Hongbin laughs, pulling the other closer until his head leans on Hongbin's chest, his arm coming out to wrap around his stomach. ”Sounds like a plan.”
Someone pulls themselves up on the cliff a few meters away, and they both spot the figure out of the corner of their eyes, jumping apart faster than lightning. Hongbin is prepared to run until his lungs start to ache, but then he sees that it's only Sanghyuk, Sanghyuk with a plastic bag in his hand, and he calms down, exchanging a relieved look with Jaehwan.
”Hey, Hyuk,” Jaehwan says, but the younger doesn't reply. Not until he reaches them and throws the plastic bag down on the ground does Hongbin notice the look of fury on his face. ”What-” Jaehwan manages, but then Sanghyuk throws himself down on his knees, attacking, punching, scratching his brother wherever he can reach. Hongbin watches in confusion for a moment before hurrying to get up on his feet.
”How could you not tell me?!” the younger screams, his voice echoing between the houses.
”Hyuk- what- tell you what- calm down, okay?” Jaehwan manages, shielding himself with his arms as well as he can. Hongbin grabs the youngest beneath his arms and pulls him back and off Jaehwan.
”How could you not tell me what a fucking psycho he is?!” Sanghyuk yells, angry tears welling out of the corner of his eyes.
”Who?”
”Taekwoon!” Sanghyuk screeches, formalities forgotten. Jaehwan struggles to get up on his feet, holding his aching arm where Sanghyuk managed to get a particularly harsh punch in.
”What do you mean? What happened?”
Sanghyuk breaks free from Hongbin's grip, furiously pulling his shirt down and tilting his head up to show them a thin, red line right across his neck, a single drop of smudged, drying blood reaching down towards his collarbone. ”He grabbed me on the way home from Sungjae's,” he breathes, silent tears still running down his face. Hongbin can only stare, and sees his own look of horror mirrored on Jaehwan's face. ”He held a fucking knife to my throat and told me that if I didn't give you that,” he points towards the plastic bag on the ground, ”he would come back and kill me.”
”Hyuk,” Jaehwan breathes, looking from the bag to Sanghyuk's cut, ”are you okay?”
”How could you not tell me you made friends with a fucking lunatic?!”
”I'm sorry,” Jaehwan says, his hands coming up to clutch at his hair, eyes wide and disbelieving. ”I'm sorry, okay?”
”Sanghyuk,” Hongbin says, holding onto his arm. ”What's in the bag?”
But Sanghyuk merely shakes his head. ”I don't know. I didn't want to look.”
Jaehwan bends down and picks the bag up shakily. ”Go up to the house,” he says quietly. ”And don't tell mom and dad what happened until me and Hongbin come back, do you understand?” Sanghyuk merely stares at him, fuming. ”We'll just be a couple of minutes, I promise.”
”Fine,” the youngest spits out, angrily tugging his arm from Hongbin's grip. Then he sets off, hurrying over to the side where there's only a small drop between the cliff and the grass below, and neither Hongbin nor Jaehwan dares to breathe until they see him running over the lawn towards the aparment building.
”Oh, God,” Jaehwan groans, holding the bag tightly without daring to look into it. ”Oh, God.”
”Easy, hyung,” Hongbin soothes, walking over to stand right next to him, even though he feels like he can't breathe. ”Take it easy.”
In a silent agreement, Hongbin takes one of the handles from Jaehwan, and they open the bag carefully, both peering down into it with their hearts in their throats, and what they see is white powder, sealed carefully within yet another plastic bag. ”It's heroin,” Jaehwan says shakily, and Hongbin looks away as his stomach churns. ”There's a note.”
”What does it say?”
Jaehwan picks it up, the paper trembling between his fingers, and Hongbin leans over his shoulder to read:
New offer. Since you appear to be having issues getting the money in time, I have an alternate proposal for you. Take this heroin and off yourself, Jaehwan, and I'll take the knowledge that you're gone from this world as payment. Kill yourself, and we'll call it even.
”That's it, we're calling the police.”
Mrs. Lee gets up from her chair at the table, where she has been sitting with Sanghyuk and Mr. Lee until now, ready to run for her cellphone.
”Mom, no, we can't,” Jaehwan says. He's standing with Hongbin in the middle of the kitchen, about a meter away from the table. ”He'll tell them everything about me... about what I did.” He swallows, eyes cast downwards, and his mother slowly sinks back down on the chair.
”He held a knife to Sanghyuk's throat,” Mr. Lee interjects, gesturing towards his son, sitting opposite from him, looking pained. There are bandaids on his neck now, a long line of them. ”He's obviously insane, he needs to be behind bars!”
”Yeah?” Jaehwan says. ”Aren't you always telling me that college is the most important thing, dad? Good luck getting me accepted into a school after he tells the police about my... adventures.”
”What exactly have you done, Jaehwan?” Mrs. Lee says, fear clear in her voice. ”If it's just the drugs, he can't prove-”
”He convinced me to do a lot of things, okay?” Jaehwan half-yells, and Hongbin takes his hand. ”It's not important.”
Mr. Lee looks ready to give up. ”So what do you suggest we do?”
Jaehwan shares a look with Hongbin. ”We have a job interview tomorrow. I will talk to Taekwoon and with our combined efforts, we should be able to pay him back in time.”
”Jaehwan, you know, we have some college savings for Sanghyuk, too,” Mrs. Lee says, putting a hand on the youngest's shoulder. ”It's still years away for him, I'm sure we could manage to get it back before then-”
”No,” Jaehwan says firmly. ”He's had to suffer enough because of me. I got myself into this, I'm getting myself out.”
The other three fall silent, but look all but comforted by his words. ”But it's affecting all of us now,” Sanghyuk says quietly. ”Not just you.”
”Look, I'll talk to Taekwoon and tell him that he's getting his money,” Jaehwan insists. ”He might be doing this because we've been ignoring him up until now. Maybe he'll calm down once I give him a date for when I can pay him back.”
”Okay,” Mr. Lee says. ”Try that. But if anything else happens, we call the police.”
Jaehwan tenses up, but agrees with a nod. ”Okay. With any luck, nothing else has to happen. I think I can talk some sense into him.”
Hongbin and Jaehwan go to bed early that night, Jaehwan on his back, and Hongbin with his head on the older's t-shirt covered chest. His mind is racing from everything that happened during the day, seeing the blood on Sanghyuk's throat, the heroin (which they hurriedly gave to Mr. Lee to get rid of), but most of all, Taekwoon's new offer.
Jaehwan has never struck him as a person who would commit suicide, hell, even now the thought seems strange and distant to him. But things are different now, Hongbin has to remind himself, stranger and sadder than they've ever been before. It's the first time in their lives that Jaehwan has been depressed, and Hongbin can tell that he doesn't know how to talk about it. He seems to be under the impression that talking too much about his problems will drive Hongbin away, and though the younger has denied it time and time again, it doesn't seem to make it easier.
The thought is too horrible. Hongbin doesn't know how to even consider the idea that Jaehwan might indeed kill himself, because whenever he tries, he feels like he can't breathe. And right now, Jaehwan is lying beside him, typing away on his phone, pausing every now and again to take a deep breath, and Hongbin can't do anything but drag his nails over the skin of his arm, slowly, soothingly, and he's glad he can do that, at least. He won't let Jaehwan leave him like that. Never.
”What are you writing?” Hongbin asks, eyelids heavy.
”I'll show you when I'm done.”
Hongbin continues to trace his fingers over Jaehwan's skin, mostly to keep himself awake. The lights are all turned off, and the light from Jaehwan's cellphone is too much for his eyes, so he doesn't bother looking up to read the message the other is typing.
”There,” Jaehwan says eventually, handing him the phone. ”Is that good enough?”
Hongbin squints as he reads it.
hyung, you'll get your money. i don't have them right now, but i have a job interview tomorrow, so i'll give you all my earnings when i get them, okay? by the end of next month at the latest, i swear. is that good enough? you'll get your money, so please, until then, leave my family alone.
”It's good,” Hongbin says, yet his hands feel sweaty. ”I... I hope he's reasonable enough to listen.”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes. His eyes are dark now, the corners of his mouth are drooping, and Hongbin wants to switch their positions, because no matter how scared he feels, Jaehwan seems even more so. ”Okay... I'm sending it.”
”Do it.”
Jaehwan sends it, then throws his phone onto the nightstand before rolling over onto his side, burying his face in Hongbin's hair. His sadness is tangible, and Hongbin is glad he's finally starting to show it a little. ”I can't fucking believe he did that to Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan mumbles. ”I just can't fucking believe it.”
”Me neither,” Hongbin agrees, rolling over and letting the other press his face against his neck instead. ”But even more so I can't believe he'd ask you to... do that.”
Jaehwan shrugs. ”He's crazy.”
Hongbin swallows, not wanting to breach the subject in the slightest, but his aching heart makes it impossible for him to stay away. ”Hyung... You wouldn't...” he tries, but he can't.
Jaehwan pulls back to look at him. ”What? Kill myself?” Hongbin nods, unable to return his gaze. ”Hongbin, no,” he says, his fingers finding Hongbin's cheek. ”Don't worry about me, okay? I wouldn't, I promise.”
”You'd tell me... If you were thinking about it, right?” Hongbin says, and his throat feels tight, his voice sounds choked. ”It's important to me that you'd tell me if you... had those kinds of thoughts.”
Jaehwan sighs, and they look at each other across the pillow. ”I'm keeping all of that stuff away as well as I can, since I know it'll get better.” His eyes are sincere as they look into his, but to Hongbin it's like a punch in the stomach, because this means the thoughts have been there at some point. ”It's getting better, Hongbin, it really is,” Jaehwan adds, ”it's just taking some time.”
Hongbin forces himself to breathe properly. ”As long as it's going in the right direction.”
”It is,” Jaehwan nods. ”I think getting a job will make it better too, you know? Getting into a routine. So don't worry about it. I could never do that to my family either way.”
Hongbin feels like he's crying, but there are no tears in his eyes. ”Okay,” he breathes. ”I... I feel like I haven't made it clear.” Jaehwan looks at him curiously, and for the first time since they came back home, he doesn't look so unbearably sad. ”I don't know what I would do if you disappeared. I- I love you.”
Jaehwan smiles at him, and when Hongbin's fingers find his chest, he feels his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage. ”I love you, Hongbin,” Jaehwan replies, ”I'm not going anywhere.” Hongbin doesn't know who moves first, but suddenly they're in each other's embrace, holding each other close, and Jaehwan's breath against his neck makes him feel like he's about to lose his mind.
”Good,” he sighs, and he feels better, though he suspects the fear will never truly go away. ”Because I need you here with me, hyung.”
”I'm here. I'm here.”
He kisses Jaehwan hard, hard enough to get his point across, and Jaehwan gives a soft hum in surprise before returning the kiss with as much enthusiasm. Their kisses are hurried, breathless and sloppy, and it sends Hongbin's mind reeling, his body already becoming much too warm, yet he's still quivering slightly against the other, wantonly pressing himself closer. Jaehwan caresses the back of Hongbin's bare thigh, causing goosebumps to rise on his warm skin, before lifting the younger's leg to wrap around his hips. Then his hand trails up, squeezing Hongbin's ass through his underwear, and Hongbin gasps against the other's lips.
”Too much?” Jaehwan whispers between kisses.
Hongbin hurries to shake his head. ”No. Don't stop.” Hongbin's hands hover at the waistband of Jaehwan's underwear; he's uncertain, not of whether he wants this or not - he's never wanted anything so badly in his life - but of whether or not he dares. Jaehwan rids him of his troubles by flipping them over, so that Jaehwan is once again on top, and Hongbin settles for letting his hand wander up Jaehwan's stomach, chest and back under his shirt, relishing in the feeling of his warm skin above him. He wants to do more, but he's worried, because this is the first time anyone has touched him like this, and he knows for a fact that it isn't for Jaehwan.
Jaehwan pulls back, breathing heavily into Hongbin's ear. ”I love your hands on me,” he whispers before kissing Hongbin again, and the younger feels a familiar but strangely unfamiliar throbbing through his veins, struggling to catch his breath as he digs his nails into the older's back.
”Hyung,” Hongbin manages to get out, because he still isn't sure how far Jaehwan wants to take this. ”If you don't stop soon, we're going to have a problem.”
Jaehwan laughs quietly in his ear. ”You mean this problem?” he asks, one of his hands stroking Hongbin's hardening length through his underwear. A whine slips out of Hongbin's mouth against his will, but he can't even feel embarrassed when Jaehwan catches his earlobe in his mouth and gives it a hard suck. ”Yeah, it's a big problem,” he laughs, and Hongbin wants to punch him.
”Hyung,” he whines, but Jaehwan hushes him before pulling his underwear down, just a little bit, enough to give him access to his straining erection. Hongbin trembles at his touch when Jaehwan starts stroking him, and his hands wander all over Jaehwan's body, unsure what to do with himself, especially since Jaehwan alternates between pressing slow, languid kisses to his lips and pulling back to look at his face as it contorts in pleasure.
”You're really beautiful, Hongbin,” he says quietly, speeding up his movements, and Hongbin's whines transform into moans, loud enough so that Jaehwan has to hush him again with a quiet laugh. ”They'll hear you.”
And it's mostly because Hongbin wants to shut him up, get back at him for reducing him to this mess, that Hongbin finally dares to pull the older's underwear down and wrap his fingers around the base of his cock, relishing in the feeling when Jaehwan's hand stutters in its movements and Jaehwan buries his face in Hongbin's neck. ”Fuck,” he breathes, his body arching into Hongbin's hand, and the whole thing is almost too much for him, his body aches because he needs more, needs Jaehwan's lips back on his own.
”Hyung,” he whines again, hips bucking up into Jaehwan's hand, and Jaehwan raises his head to look at him, features tense with pleasure, and Hongbin thinks it is possibly the hottest thing he's ever seen in his life. Jaehwan seems to take the hint, though, because he speeds up his movements further, making Hongbin writhe on the sheets, feeling like he has no control of his body anymore, but he assumes he must be doing something right with the way Jaehwan's breaths come out in harsh, stuttering puffs, his eyes closed and his body jerking closer.
It takes him an embarrassingly short amount of time until his body is convulsing and he can't hold back his noises anymore, and Jaehwan doesn't seem to care as he caresses him to completion, and Hongbin hooks an arm around Jaehwan's neck as he comes, pulling him closer and pressing his face into his skin, whining non-stop, because he's never felt so complete in his life, and he compares it, for a comical moment, to being high. He's still regaining his senses when Jaehwan comes, one hand on the bed holding himself up, the other clutching at Hongbin's shoulder and wandering over his chest, and Hongbin can't calm his heavy breathing or the wave of arousal that hits him again at the knowledge that he's the one that's got Jaehwan this worked up.
They clean themselves up with a roll of paper that Jaehwan has kept hidden beneath his nightstand (he says with a laugh that since he was cursed with such a hot best friend all his life, it was necessary to always be prepared, and Hongbin feels unbearably warm, yet strangely proud at the words). Then they lie down together, kissing until their lips are chapped, and everything feels surreal to Hongbin. He goes breathless thinking of all the things they have left to try together, because if any of it is as good as this just was, then it's going to get hard to get out of bed at all again.
They fall asleep eventually, their minds more comfortable than they've been in a long time. Jaehwan's phone remains silent throughout the night. No reply comes.
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,753
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10
Hongbin finally manages to drag Jaehwan out to the playground the day after, when they've both calmed themselves down a little from Taekwoon's visit. They climb up on the rocks to soak in the sun, Hongbin with his camera in his hands, Jaehwan looking exhausted.
The older lies down on top of their miniature mountain, a soft breeze relieving him from the intensity of the sun. Hongbin stands beside him, snapping picture after picture of his relaxed face.
”Are you documenting the process of me becoming roasted?” Jaehwan asks, squeezing an eye open to look at the younger. ”I'm not used to being in the sun, I'm gonna be hot pink for the rest of the year.”
”Oh, hyung,” Hongbin laughs. ”It's a good thing you look handsome in every color, then.”
Jaehwan laughs, and Hongbin hurries to take another picture. ”I'm thinking of vomit green for next year, how does that sound?”
”Lovely.” Hongbin backs up to fit more of the world in frame, their neighborhood displayed beyond the cliff and Jaehwan's stretched out body.
Jaehwan turns his head back to look at him, and Hongbin feels his heart almost stop at the sight before him. He pushes the button on his camera few times, sure that this will be the next picture to go up on his wall. ”What?” he asks when Jaehwan's gaze turns curious.
”Nothing. I just love watching you work.” Hongbin smiles, crawling back over to Jaehwan on his knees. ”Do you think your mom has told your dad about us yet?”
Hongbin huffs, sitting down next to the older and curling his legs beneath him. ”It's hard to say. Probably not. Right now I think she doesn't want to acknowledge it by mentioning out loud ever again.” Hongbin's father had sent him a message earlier on the day, telling him that he'd set up interviews for him and Jaehwan at the local newspaper, applying for the position of delivery person. It's a job that no one wants, Hongbin knows, because of the uncomfortable working hours, strenuous physical work and low pay; he's heard his father complain about it many times before. Despite all that, he thinks he and Jaehwan can do well with it. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to bring in some cash. And in the message, his father hadn't seemed any different from usual, which to Hongbin meant that he didn't know about him and Jaehwan yet.
”Man, I never thought she would react like that,” Jaehwan says then. ”She's always been so nice to me.”
”When you were my handsome, respectable best friend, yes,” Hongbin says. ”You're every mother's dream, hyung, just not for her only son.”
Jaehwan looks up at him, squinting in the sunlight. ”I guess I shouldn't show my face around her for a while, huh?”
Hongbin shrugs. ”I don't know. She'll just have to get used to it. But maybe we should wait until things have calmed down a little.”
”Whatever you say. She's your mother.” He reaches out for Hongbin's hand, so he lets his camera rest in his lap.
”Is it weird that I think your mother probably knows me better than my own?”
Jaehwan grins. ”No, it'd be weird if she knew you better than I do.”
Humming in reply, Hongbin places his camera beside him on the stone. ”Nobody does,” he says, inching closer to Jaehwan and lying down beside him.
”Nobody?” Jaehwan repeats.
”Nobody.”
The older shuffles even closer, his face turned towards the sky. ”Good. Let's keep it that way.”
Hours later, they're still lying there side by side, watching the clouds drift by. The skin on Jaehwan's cheeks is slowly starting to redden, but Hongbin finds it too cute to say anything about it. Comfortable silence surrounds them as they listen to the wind, and Hongbin is starting to wonder if Jaehwan is at all awake anymore.
”Why haven't we ever come out here to look at the stars?” he asks. Jaehwan opens his eyes, but simply blinks in confusion. ”It'd be perfect to lie here at night.”
”Maybe,” Jaehwan replies, stretching a little. ”How about we do it tomorrow night?” he offers, turning over on his side to face Hongbin better. ”We can't do it tonight, I can only take so much fresh air in a single day.”
Hongbin laughs, pulling the other closer until his head leans on Hongbin's chest, his arm coming out to wrap around his stomach. ”Sounds like a plan.”
Someone pulls themselves up on the cliff a few meters away, and they both spot the figure out of the corner of their eyes, jumping apart faster than lightning. Hongbin is prepared to run until his lungs start to ache, but then he sees that it's only Sanghyuk, Sanghyuk with a plastic bag in his hand, and he calms down, exchanging a relieved look with Jaehwan.
”Hey, Hyuk,” Jaehwan says, but the younger doesn't reply. Not until he reaches them and throws the plastic bag down on the ground does Hongbin notice the look of fury on his face. ”What-” Jaehwan manages, but then Sanghyuk throws himself down on his knees, attacking, punching, scratching his brother wherever he can reach. Hongbin watches in confusion for a moment before hurrying to get up on his feet.
”How could you not tell me?!” the younger screams, his voice echoing between the houses.
”Hyuk- what- tell you what- calm down, okay?” Jaehwan manages, shielding himself with his arms as well as he can. Hongbin grabs the youngest beneath his arms and pulls him back and off Jaehwan.
”How could you not tell me what a fucking psycho he is?!” Sanghyuk yells, angry tears welling out of the corner of his eyes.
”Who?”
”Taekwoon!” Sanghyuk screeches, formalities forgotten. Jaehwan struggles to get up on his feet, holding his aching arm where Sanghyuk managed to get a particularly harsh punch in.
”What do you mean? What happened?”
Sanghyuk breaks free from Hongbin's grip, furiously pulling his shirt down and tilting his head up to show them a thin, red line right across his neck, a single drop of smudged, drying blood reaching down towards his collarbone. ”He grabbed me on the way home from Sungjae's,” he breathes, silent tears still running down his face. Hongbin can only stare, and sees his own look of horror mirrored on Jaehwan's face. ”He held a fucking knife to my throat and told me that if I didn't give you that,” he points towards the plastic bag on the ground, ”he would come back and kill me.”
”Hyuk,” Jaehwan breathes, looking from the bag to Sanghyuk's cut, ”are you okay?”
”How could you not tell me you made friends with a fucking lunatic?!”
”I'm sorry,” Jaehwan says, his hands coming up to clutch at his hair, eyes wide and disbelieving. ”I'm sorry, okay?”
”Sanghyuk,” Hongbin says, holding onto his arm. ”What's in the bag?”
But Sanghyuk merely shakes his head. ”I don't know. I didn't want to look.”
Jaehwan bends down and picks the bag up shakily. ”Go up to the house,” he says quietly. ”And don't tell mom and dad what happened until me and Hongbin come back, do you understand?” Sanghyuk merely stares at him, fuming. ”We'll just be a couple of minutes, I promise.”
”Fine,” the youngest spits out, angrily tugging his arm from Hongbin's grip. Then he sets off, hurrying over to the side where there's only a small drop between the cliff and the grass below, and neither Hongbin nor Jaehwan dares to breathe until they see him running over the lawn towards the aparment building.
”Oh, God,” Jaehwan groans, holding the bag tightly without daring to look into it. ”Oh, God.”
”Easy, hyung,” Hongbin soothes, walking over to stand right next to him, even though he feels like he can't breathe. ”Take it easy.”
In a silent agreement, Hongbin takes one of the handles from Jaehwan, and they open the bag carefully, both peering down into it with their hearts in their throats, and what they see is white powder, sealed carefully within yet another plastic bag. ”It's heroin,” Jaehwan says shakily, and Hongbin looks away as his stomach churns. ”There's a note.”
”What does it say?”
Jaehwan picks it up, the paper trembling between his fingers, and Hongbin leans over his shoulder to read:
New offer. Since you appear to be having issues getting the money in time, I have an alternate proposal for you. Take this heroin and off yourself, Jaehwan, and I'll take the knowledge that you're gone from this world as payment. Kill yourself, and we'll call it even.
”That's it, we're calling the police.”
Mrs. Lee gets up from her chair at the table, where she has been sitting with Sanghyuk and Mr. Lee until now, ready to run for her cellphone.
”Mom, no, we can't,” Jaehwan says. He's standing with Hongbin in the middle of the kitchen, about a meter away from the table. ”He'll tell them everything about me... about what I did.” He swallows, eyes cast downwards, and his mother slowly sinks back down on the chair.
”He held a knife to Sanghyuk's throat,” Mr. Lee interjects, gesturing towards his son, sitting opposite from him, looking pained. There are bandaids on his neck now, a long line of them. ”He's obviously insane, he needs to be behind bars!”
”Yeah?” Jaehwan says. ”Aren't you always telling me that college is the most important thing, dad? Good luck getting me accepted into a school after he tells the police about my... adventures.”
”What exactly have you done, Jaehwan?” Mrs. Lee says, fear clear in her voice. ”If it's just the drugs, he can't prove-”
”He convinced me to do a lot of things, okay?” Jaehwan half-yells, and Hongbin takes his hand. ”It's not important.”
Mr. Lee looks ready to give up. ”So what do you suggest we do?”
Jaehwan shares a look with Hongbin. ”We have a job interview tomorrow. I will talk to Taekwoon and with our combined efforts, we should be able to pay him back in time.”
”Jaehwan, you know, we have some college savings for Sanghyuk, too,” Mrs. Lee says, putting a hand on the youngest's shoulder. ”It's still years away for him, I'm sure we could manage to get it back before then-”
”No,” Jaehwan says firmly. ”He's had to suffer enough because of me. I got myself into this, I'm getting myself out.”
The other three fall silent, but look all but comforted by his words. ”But it's affecting all of us now,” Sanghyuk says quietly. ”Not just you.”
”Look, I'll talk to Taekwoon and tell him that he's getting his money,” Jaehwan insists. ”He might be doing this because we've been ignoring him up until now. Maybe he'll calm down once I give him a date for when I can pay him back.”
”Okay,” Mr. Lee says. ”Try that. But if anything else happens, we call the police.”
Jaehwan tenses up, but agrees with a nod. ”Okay. With any luck, nothing else has to happen. I think I can talk some sense into him.”
Hongbin and Jaehwan go to bed early that night, Jaehwan on his back, and Hongbin with his head on the older's t-shirt covered chest. His mind is racing from everything that happened during the day, seeing the blood on Sanghyuk's throat, the heroin (which they hurriedly gave to Mr. Lee to get rid of), but most of all, Taekwoon's new offer.
Jaehwan has never struck him as a person who would commit suicide, hell, even now the thought seems strange and distant to him. But things are different now, Hongbin has to remind himself, stranger and sadder than they've ever been before. It's the first time in their lives that Jaehwan has been depressed, and Hongbin can tell that he doesn't know how to talk about it. He seems to be under the impression that talking too much about his problems will drive Hongbin away, and though the younger has denied it time and time again, it doesn't seem to make it easier.
The thought is too horrible. Hongbin doesn't know how to even consider the idea that Jaehwan might indeed kill himself, because whenever he tries, he feels like he can't breathe. And right now, Jaehwan is lying beside him, typing away on his phone, pausing every now and again to take a deep breath, and Hongbin can't do anything but drag his nails over the skin of his arm, slowly, soothingly, and he's glad he can do that, at least. He won't let Jaehwan leave him like that. Never.
”What are you writing?” Hongbin asks, eyelids heavy.
”I'll show you when I'm done.”
Hongbin continues to trace his fingers over Jaehwan's skin, mostly to keep himself awake. The lights are all turned off, and the light from Jaehwan's cellphone is too much for his eyes, so he doesn't bother looking up to read the message the other is typing.
”There,” Jaehwan says eventually, handing him the phone. ”Is that good enough?”
Hongbin squints as he reads it.
hyung, you'll get your money. i don't have them right now, but i have a job interview tomorrow, so i'll give you all my earnings when i get them, okay? by the end of next month at the latest, i swear. is that good enough? you'll get your money, so please, until then, leave my family alone.
”It's good,” Hongbin says, yet his hands feel sweaty. ”I... I hope he's reasonable enough to listen.”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes. His eyes are dark now, the corners of his mouth are drooping, and Hongbin wants to switch their positions, because no matter how scared he feels, Jaehwan seems even more so. ”Okay... I'm sending it.”
”Do it.”
Jaehwan sends it, then throws his phone onto the nightstand before rolling over onto his side, burying his face in Hongbin's hair. His sadness is tangible, and Hongbin is glad he's finally starting to show it a little. ”I can't fucking believe he did that to Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan mumbles. ”I just can't fucking believe it.”
”Me neither,” Hongbin agrees, rolling over and letting the other press his face against his neck instead. ”But even more so I can't believe he'd ask you to... do that.”
Jaehwan shrugs. ”He's crazy.”
Hongbin swallows, not wanting to breach the subject in the slightest, but his aching heart makes it impossible for him to stay away. ”Hyung... You wouldn't...” he tries, but he can't.
Jaehwan pulls back to look at him. ”What? Kill myself?” Hongbin nods, unable to return his gaze. ”Hongbin, no,” he says, his fingers finding Hongbin's cheek. ”Don't worry about me, okay? I wouldn't, I promise.”
”You'd tell me... If you were thinking about it, right?” Hongbin says, and his throat feels tight, his voice sounds choked. ”It's important to me that you'd tell me if you... had those kinds of thoughts.”
Jaehwan sighs, and they look at each other across the pillow. ”I'm keeping all of that stuff away as well as I can, since I know it'll get better.” His eyes are sincere as they look into his, but to Hongbin it's like a punch in the stomach, because this means the thoughts have been there at some point. ”It's getting better, Hongbin, it really is,” Jaehwan adds, ”it's just taking some time.”
Hongbin forces himself to breathe properly. ”As long as it's going in the right direction.”
”It is,” Jaehwan nods. ”I think getting a job will make it better too, you know? Getting into a routine. So don't worry about it. I could never do that to my family either way.”
Hongbin feels like he's crying, but there are no tears in his eyes. ”Okay,” he breathes. ”I... I feel like I haven't made it clear.” Jaehwan looks at him curiously, and for the first time since they came back home, he doesn't look so unbearably sad. ”I don't know what I would do if you disappeared. I- I love you.”
Jaehwan smiles at him, and when Hongbin's fingers find his chest, he feels his heart beating rapidly against his ribcage. ”I love you, Hongbin,” Jaehwan replies, ”I'm not going anywhere.” Hongbin doesn't know who moves first, but suddenly they're in each other's embrace, holding each other close, and Jaehwan's breath against his neck makes him feel like he's about to lose his mind.
”Good,” he sighs, and he feels better, though he suspects the fear will never truly go away. ”Because I need you here with me, hyung.”
”I'm here. I'm here.”
He kisses Jaehwan hard, hard enough to get his point across, and Jaehwan gives a soft hum in surprise before returning the kiss with as much enthusiasm. Their kisses are hurried, breathless and sloppy, and it sends Hongbin's mind reeling, his body already becoming much too warm, yet he's still quivering slightly against the other, wantonly pressing himself closer. Jaehwan caresses the back of Hongbin's bare thigh, causing goosebumps to rise on his warm skin, before lifting the younger's leg to wrap around his hips. Then his hand trails up, squeezing Hongbin's ass through his underwear, and Hongbin gasps against the other's lips.
”Too much?” Jaehwan whispers between kisses.
Hongbin hurries to shake his head. ”No. Don't stop.” Hongbin's hands hover at the waistband of Jaehwan's underwear; he's uncertain, not of whether he wants this or not - he's never wanted anything so badly in his life - but of whether or not he dares. Jaehwan rids him of his troubles by flipping them over, so that Jaehwan is once again on top, and Hongbin settles for letting his hand wander up Jaehwan's stomach, chest and back under his shirt, relishing in the feeling of his warm skin above him. He wants to do more, but he's worried, because this is the first time anyone has touched him like this, and he knows for a fact that it isn't for Jaehwan.
Jaehwan pulls back, breathing heavily into Hongbin's ear. ”I love your hands on me,” he whispers before kissing Hongbin again, and the younger feels a familiar but strangely unfamiliar throbbing through his veins, struggling to catch his breath as he digs his nails into the older's back.
”Hyung,” Hongbin manages to get out, because he still isn't sure how far Jaehwan wants to take this. ”If you don't stop soon, we're going to have a problem.”
Jaehwan laughs quietly in his ear. ”You mean this problem?” he asks, one of his hands stroking Hongbin's hardening length through his underwear. A whine slips out of Hongbin's mouth against his will, but he can't even feel embarrassed when Jaehwan catches his earlobe in his mouth and gives it a hard suck. ”Yeah, it's a big problem,” he laughs, and Hongbin wants to punch him.
”Hyung,” he whines, but Jaehwan hushes him before pulling his underwear down, just a little bit, enough to give him access to his straining erection. Hongbin trembles at his touch when Jaehwan starts stroking him, and his hands wander all over Jaehwan's body, unsure what to do with himself, especially since Jaehwan alternates between pressing slow, languid kisses to his lips and pulling back to look at his face as it contorts in pleasure.
”You're really beautiful, Hongbin,” he says quietly, speeding up his movements, and Hongbin's whines transform into moans, loud enough so that Jaehwan has to hush him again with a quiet laugh. ”They'll hear you.”
And it's mostly because Hongbin wants to shut him up, get back at him for reducing him to this mess, that Hongbin finally dares to pull the older's underwear down and wrap his fingers around the base of his cock, relishing in the feeling when Jaehwan's hand stutters in its movements and Jaehwan buries his face in Hongbin's neck. ”Fuck,” he breathes, his body arching into Hongbin's hand, and the whole thing is almost too much for him, his body aches because he needs more, needs Jaehwan's lips back on his own.
”Hyung,” he whines again, hips bucking up into Jaehwan's hand, and Jaehwan raises his head to look at him, features tense with pleasure, and Hongbin thinks it is possibly the hottest thing he's ever seen in his life. Jaehwan seems to take the hint, though, because he speeds up his movements further, making Hongbin writhe on the sheets, feeling like he has no control of his body anymore, but he assumes he must be doing something right with the way Jaehwan's breaths come out in harsh, stuttering puffs, his eyes closed and his body jerking closer.
It takes him an embarrassingly short amount of time until his body is convulsing and he can't hold back his noises anymore, and Jaehwan doesn't seem to care as he caresses him to completion, and Hongbin hooks an arm around Jaehwan's neck as he comes, pulling him closer and pressing his face into his skin, whining non-stop, because he's never felt so complete in his life, and he compares it, for a comical moment, to being high. He's still regaining his senses when Jaehwan comes, one hand on the bed holding himself up, the other clutching at Hongbin's shoulder and wandering over his chest, and Hongbin can't calm his heavy breathing or the wave of arousal that hits him again at the knowledge that he's the one that's got Jaehwan this worked up.
They clean themselves up with a roll of paper that Jaehwan has kept hidden beneath his nightstand (he says with a laugh that since he was cursed with such a hot best friend all his life, it was necessary to always be prepared, and Hongbin feels unbearably warm, yet strangely proud at the words). Then they lie down together, kissing until their lips are chapped, and everything feels surreal to Hongbin. He goes breathless thinking of all the things they have left to try together, because if any of it is as good as this just was, then it's going to get hard to get out of bed at all again.
They fall asleep eventually, their minds more comfortable than they've been in a long time. Jaehwan's phone remains silent throughout the night. No reply comes.