Achromatic Ecstasy, Part 5
Title: Achromatic Ecstasy
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,635
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4
15:27
hongbin
hey, just wanted to let you know i'm back home now, so.. i can hang out whenever you have time.
Three days since Sanghyuk's birthday, since Hongbin's aunts threw their family party, since Hongbin and Jaehwan last texted each other. Neither of them has kept in touch since, and Hongbin has his reasons: He's too tense from knowing that their relationship might progress into something more, and soon, that he's not sure how to talk to the older until the air has been cleared.
Whatever reasons Jaehwan has, he doesn't know, but he suspects it might be something similar. So he waits for Jaehwan to reply, and he feels almost physically unable to do anything else while he waits, so he sits on his bed, freshly showered, in his favorite outfit, tapping his fingers on his knees in anticipation.
Two hours later, he has put on some music and he's lying down, staring at the ceiling, going through scenarios in his head and trying not to get too ahead of himself. Jaehwan hasn't replied. He chooses not to be worried. Hell, Jaehwan isn't his boyfriend yet, so Hongin shouldn't be too overbearing just yet.
And when his phone does vibrate, it is, to Hongbin's guilty disappointment, not a message from Jaehwan, but one from Sanghyuk. Again.
17:32
sanghyuk
hi
are you busy?
Hongbin sighs a little. He wishes he was.
17:33
hongbin
not really, why?
17:35
sanghyuk
i was wondering if you wanted to come over and try the games you got me or something
they're great but they're more fun in co-op mode
17:37
hongbin
co-op my ass, you just want to murder and humiliate me.
17:38
sanghyuk
please hyung
Hongbin gets up from his bed and gets ready to leave, as if he hasn't been, all day. At least getting out of the apartment might distract him a little, stop his racing thoughts and take his paranoia away for the time being. Also, of course there's the possibility that Jaehwan will be there - but the thought fills him with a strange feeling of guilt, because what if Jaehwan simply isn't ready to talk to Hongbin about all of this yet, and that's why he hasn't replied? What if he's busy? What if Hongin walking into the apartment will turn everything on its head and Jaehwan won't like it?
Well, Hongbin figures. If it was that important to the other boy, he should tell him so, not just disappear into the silence.
17:40
hongbin
is jaehwan hyung around?
17:42
sanghyuk
no
are you coming or not?
17:43
hongbin
i'll be there soon.
So, Jaehwan isn't home.
That doesn't mean anything, Hongbin tells himself, over and over and over again as Sanghyuk murders his character in cold blood. It's not like Jaehwan doesn't have other friends; just because he's out it doesn't necessarily mean that he's out with Taekwoon of all people, so really, there's no need for Hongbin's heart to beat so erratically and anxiously.
But there's something about Sanghyuk, too. Even though his cheek has healed up nicely by now, there's something in his eyes, the way he acts, in the way he doesn't speak as much as usual, how he seems to simply want someone to be there silently beside him, that makes Hongbin think that he's serving as the younger's stress relief. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened; he's sat through many uncertain hours with him following family fights and incidents at school. Sanghyuk isn't the type to talk about what's bothering him, and Hongbin isn't good with it either. So they talk about trivial things, praise the amazing graphics of the new games, and they steer clear of what's bothering them. Just as they always have.
When they sit down to have dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Lee, it's late, almost seven in the evening. The parents are silent and their smiles, that are supposed to be encouraging, are nothing but hollow and dejected. The look in their eyes say that they were hoping Jaehwan would come home in time for dinner, even as time passed half to six, six and half to seven, postponing it over and over, clinging to the hope that maybe he isn't picking up their calls because he's in such a hurry to get home to them. Hongbin wonders long how it will be until someone addresses the problem.
”So, hyung,” Sanghyuk says after an X amount of silent minutes. ”Do you want to stay and finish the game?”
They're having fish and mashed potatoes. There's an empty plate and a clean glass waiting for Jaehwan on the kitchen counter. ”I don't know, it's getting kind of late,” Hongbin says, as always raising his hand to check the time. ”I have some stuff to take care of at home. I could do it this weekend, though.”
He looks at the younger hopefully, but Sanghyuk gives him a nonchalant look as he stuffs more fried cod into his mouth. ”Can't. Me, Jackson and Sungjae are going out camping.”
”Camping?” Hongbin repeats back - it just seems a little bit too unlikely.
”That's right. Jackson's mom started bothering him about how much he stays in nowadays. I think he mostly wants to go so that something really bad will happen, and she will ground him instead.”
”You'll do fine,” Mrs. Lee says when Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, that reminds me, you have to go and buy yourself a new jacket before then.”
”Can't,” Sanghyuk grumbles again. ”I'm broke.”
”Didn't Jaehwan give you that gift card for your birthday?”
Sanghyuk's eyes lock with his plate, and he nods evasively. Hongbin, just like Sanghyuk's parents, can tell something is wrong. His stomach churns.
”Did you take the money and spend it something else?” Mrs. Lee's tone edges towards reprimanding, and for a few seconds, Hongbin hopes that that's all it is, that Sanghyuk is simply ashamed for that reason, but then he shakes his head.
”Then what? Just use the gift card.”
The youngest glances at Hongbin, then back down to the table, fidgeting where he sits. ”Whatever.”
”No, tell me, why can't you use the gift card?”
”Forget it,” Sanghyuk hisses.
Mrs. Lee turns around in her chair, eyes boring into her sun. ”You tell me right now, Sanghyuk. Why?”
Sanghyuk rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. ”Because Jaehwan hyung took the money to buy drugs, okay?!” His mother's eyes widen, and he picks up his plate, hurries away from them and throws it down into the sink with a loud clang, probably shattering it into pieces, Hongbin thinks.
They all still, and Hongbin puts his utensils down, feeling a hole opening up in his chest. Mrs. Lee's hands are quivering as she holds them up to cover her mouth, and when the door to Sanghyuk's room slams shut, it doesn't take long until Mr. Lee gets up with a heavy sigh, leaving them both to the silence. He doesn't say much. Never does. Hongbin doesn't know why he expected it to be any different in a situation like this.
Mrs. Lee starts crying, and Hongbin looks away. There are tears pressing against the back of his throat, but he doesn't want to cry and acknowledge the problem. He wants to comfort Mrs. Lee, whose crying face is breaking every square inch of his heart, and tell her that everything is going to be okay.
But most of all, he wants to scream, because things were going so right, Jaehwan said he was going to stop, and why would he say that if he was just going to go and do this?
”Tell me honestly,” Mrs. Lee says, sniffling and wiping her tears. ”Did you know about this?”
Hongbin stares at the table, ashamed. ”I knew... about the drugs. But I didn't know he had taken Sanghyuk's money, I swear.”
Mrs. Lee's groans of agony resonates through Hongbin's conscience. ”I don't know what to do,” she says, and Hongbin understands. ”I don't know how to talk to him about it, I mean - he's eighteen years old, I can't force him to do anything.” Pushing their leftover food away, Hongbin slides his hand over the table to hold Mrs. Lee's. He remembers the things he heard her yell at Jaehwan that day, right before the older came clean about his habits to him. He doesn't blame her for it. ”Oh, god, my little boy.”
She cries harder, and Hongbin holds her hand tighter. That's all he knows how to do. ”I tried to talk to him,” he says, earning him a sincerely emotional look from the woman opposite him. ”He said he was going to quit, but...”
”We can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to,” she finishes for him, and Hongbin nods reluctantly. That is the truth, he supposes. When Jaehwan said he was going to quit, it was for Hongbin's sake, not his own.
”I...” Hongbin tries, and something seems to be caught in his throat. ”I feel... very strongly about your son,” he admits, and Mrs. Lee looks back at him through round, tear-filled eyes. ”Believe me when I say I won't give up on him.”
Mrs. Lee squeezes his hand back. ”I know you do. Jaehwan has a lot of people that love him and that won't give up on him. We will work something out together.”
”Yeah,” Hongbin breathes, forcing himself to smile as the tears finally reach his eyes.
But oh, God, how distant the solution seems.
He knocks on Sanghyuk's door before he leaves.
”What?”
”It's me. Can I talk to you?”
”Yeah, sure, whatever.”
He pushes the door open and sees Sanghyuk immersed in one of the games they were playing earlier. He doesn't look up at Hongbin where he stands. ”How come you didn't tell me?” Hongbin asks bluntly.
”You said he was going to quit,” Sanghyuk says, eyes on the monitor.
Hongin nods. ”That's what he told me.” There's no reply. ”When did he take the money?”
Sanghyuk shrugs. ”A couple of days ago.”
Hongbin's chest burns, and he waits for the younger to say something else, anything, and the only sound to break the silence is the gunshots from Sanghyuk's game. ”I will try again, you know,” Hongbin says eventually, wanting a reaction out of the other so badly, and he doesn't even truly know why.
”Yeah?” Sanghyuk mutters. ”Good luck with that.”
”Hyuk-ah, are you okay?”
Sanghyuk slams his fist on the keyboard. ”No, I'm not fucking okay! My brother's a fucking drug addict, what do you think?!”
Hongbin withdraws with a nod. ”Text me if you want to talk about it, okay?”
Sanghyuk snorts. ”Sure. Yeah. Whatever.”
And with that, Hongbin leaves, leaves the apartment, the street and the area, and for once, he thinks his own apartment isn't far away enough from Jaehwan and he life he has loved so dearly up until now.
In the days that follow, nobody contacts Hongbin at all. He doesn't hear a single word from anybody. Not Jaehwan, Sanghyuk or their parents, none of Hongbin's other friends; it gets to the point where he starts wishing even Taekwoon would send him a message, give him a call, anything. His parents worry about him since it seems like he's isolating himself, and he considers for a moment if he should tell them about Jaehwan's newfound hobbies, but he decides against it. This is already more dramatic than what's healthy for him.
He goes out to take pictures every once in a while, even if he ends up just walking aimlessly some of the time without bringing anything of value with him home. The rest of the time he spends in his room, with music as his only company. He edits, spills his guts repeatedly in run-on Word documents, strums restlessly on his forgotten guitar, anything to pass the time, but nothing can ease the constant rapid beating of his heart, and the way his pulse rings in his ears with every second that passes.
Has he lost Jaehwan already?
The answer, Hongbin thinks, is probably. Maybe he's a coward for not trying to get in touch with Jaehwan again, but by now, he's too scared. Much too scared.
22:48
jaehwan
hey, i figured your parents would be sleeping so i prob shouldn't ring the doorbell but i'm outside. let me in pls~
Hongbin pales and gallops through the hallway to the front door. He struggles with the security chain for a few feverent moments before it slides off and Hongbin is allowed to push the door open.
”Hongbiiiiiin,” Jaehwan wheezes happily, attacking Hongbin in a tight hug. Hongbin laughs quietly in surprise; Jaehwan's body is warm. Very warm, in fact, sticky with sweat and smelling faintly of smoke. ”How are you?”
Hongbin hushes him. ”Not here, let's go to my room.”
They tiptoe back through the hall and into Hongbin's room, hand in hand, giggles on their tongues. And when Hongbin shuts the door behind them, Jaehwan takes a few moments to look around Hongbin's room. It's been a while since he was last here, Hongbin realizes; he's had time to redecorate a little bit.
Jaehwan stands under the angled roof, lined with two long strands of light and covered with pictures that Hongbin has taken. Most of them are of Jaehwan. He looks at them all carefully one by one, reaching out to touch some of them, and Hongbin feels selfconscious as he sits down on his bed, waiting for Jaehwan's tour of his room to be over.
”You've put up a lot of new photos.”
”Yeah, I haven't had much to do, really,” Hongbin laughs, watching him observantly.
”I like this one,” Jaehwan says, pointing towards the one of him standing on Hongbin's balcony - the unedited version.
”Yeah, that one's nice.” Hongbin is too worried that Jaehwan might be under the influence of something right now that he can't bear to consider it. ”You're so sweaty. What did you do, swim here?”
Jaehwan laughs, finally giving up on the pictures in Hongbin's ceiling. ”Nah, me and Taekwoon was at this thing. We were dancing.”
”Oh,” Hongbin says. Of course.
”I just felt like I had to get out of there, you know?” Jaehwan says, hurriedly walking over and bouncing down next to Hongbin. ”I felt the music pound through me until I didn't know if what I was feeling was the beat of the music or the beat of my heart, and I just started missing you. Just like that.”
Hongbin snorts. ”About time.”
”I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch,” Jaehwan huffs, and he looks genuinely apologetic. ”There's just been so much stuff happening recently.”
”So I heard,” Hongbin mutters. ”You've resurrected your friendship with Taekwoon hyung.”
Jaehwan frowns. ”We never fought.”
Hongbin rolls his eyes in response. ”So, at this thing you were just at... Did you get high? I mean, since you only get high at parties.”
Jaehwan flops back on the bed. ”It's just ecstasy. Ecstasy doesn't make you crazy. It just makes everything burn a little brighter.”
”Is that so.”
Jaehwan nods, smiling like a toddler. ”And it makes sex absolutely fantastic.”
Hongbin winces. ”Okay, I don't want to know how you know that.” And it's insane, he's completely off his rocker, but beneath everything else, Hongbin feels jealousy well up again.
”Oh, come on,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I think you'd like ecstasy. It makes you feel great and the comedown isn't that bad.”
”But you look like you're barely even here,” Hongbin mumbles, staring down at his best friend who has his arms stretched out in both directions where he lies.
”Oh, that. That's just the alcohol. I'm kind of drunk right now, too. So don't worry. You've seen me drunk before.” He smiles blissfully, and it's enough to make Hongbin want to vomit.
”Okay,” he says, standing up, ”I'm sorry but I don't think I can be with you like this.”
”What?” Jaehwan says, slowly easing himself into a sitting position.
”Hyung, have you forgotten everything?”
Jaehwan frowns at him. ”Forgotten what?”
Hongbin feels his heart pounding again; he feels like he's about to go crazy with rage. ”You said you were going to quit!”
”Ah,” Jaehwan says, nodding understandingly. ”Yeah, well, that didn't work out.”
”And why not?” Because he's already addicted.
Jaehwan shrugs. ”I don't have a reason to. I still have it perfectly under control.”
Hongbin thinks of Sanghyuk, and he quivers with fury. But he still doesn't want to throw the younger under the bus, especially when Jaehwan has obviously gone insane. ”But you said - You said it would fuck up your studies once school starts if you continue.”
”School won't start again for another month and a half, so chill,” Jaehwan says, starting to look a little annoyed.
”Then what about the stuff you said about Taekwoon hyung?” Hongbin spits. ”The stuff about how he manipulates you into doing things you don't want to, how it's like you don't have free will when he's around?”
Jaehwan shakes his head. ”That's not what I meant. You got that all wrong. Hyung is a good guy and we have a lot of fun together.”
Hongbin feels like he's about to fall apart. It's like the Jaehwan he has known and loved for so long is somewhere else, and this is an imposter here right now in his body. ”And you don't remember how you told me you didn't want me or anyone else to see you high?”
Jaehwan seems to consider it for a while. ”Yeah, but I've just done ecstasy tonight, Hongbinnie. I meant more like if I had done heroin or something, cause that shit can be really nasty...”
”I don't want to hear it!” Hongbin yells, catches himself, and lowers his voice. Jaehwan looks at him through big, surprised eyes. ”Hyung, I didn't ask you to quit for no reason. This is obviously starting to become a problem.” He feels like he's about to start crying, and Jaehwan is watching him anxiously.
”It's not a problem,” he says softly. ”Look, Hongbin, I'm just doing this to unwind, okay? Things are just really stressful right now, and this helps me take my mind off all of that.”
”What things?”
Jaehwan sighs. ”Well, you know, thinking about college, trying to deal with myself enough to come out of the closet...” He shrugs. ”Mainly those two things.”
Hongbin shakes his head. ”I'm sorry, but they just sound like excuses.”
Scoffing, Jaehwan stares at him. ”Shouldn't you of all people know how it feels to be closeted?”
Hongbin sighs. ”Why did you ignore me, hyung?”
”What?”
”Over these past few days since I came home,” Hongbin clarifies. ”You told me to tell you when I had time to hang out, so I did. Why didn't you reply?”
Jaehwan raises an eyebrow. ”I told you, I've been busy. I didn't realize there was such a hurry.”
”Busy doing ecstasy,” Hongbin hisses. ”Or was it heroin?”
Jaehwan simply tilts his head. ”Well, yeah. Busy trying to feel better about shit.”
Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, yeah. And what about Sanghyuk?”
”What about him?”
”Even if you don't think this whole thing is a problem, it's a problem for him.”
Jaehwan takes a deep breath, seemingly to collect himself. ”Okay, I did some stupid stuff to him, but that was in the beginning. I've sorted myself out now, okay? It's not a problem.”
”You stole money from him to buy drugs!” Hongbin half-yells, staring at Jaehwan with as much intensity as he dares. Jaehwan looks back at him blankly for a moment before looking away with a tired expression on his face.
”He promised he'd keep that to himself.”
”Hyung,” Hongbin breathes, terrified now, out of his mind. ”Don't you see how fucked up that is?”
”I'll pay him back.”
”You stole money from your fifteen year old brother and the only problem you have with this scenario is that someone found out,” Hongbin says, trying to plead some sense into the older boy.
”Okay, you know what,” Jaehwan says, standing up too, and Hongbin has to fight his instinct to take a step back. ”I'm done with this conversation. Go ahead and throw me out. Apparently it was a mistake coming here.”
”You think?” Hongbin says sarcastically, his eyes now filled with tears. Jaehwan moves towards the door, and Hongbin backs away, more scared than he can remember being for a long time. Jaehwan pauses in his movements then, his unfocused eyes on Hongbin's frightened face, and the tension in his body seems to dissipate.
”Hongbin?” he says in disbelief. ”Are you scared of me?”
”Hyung, please, just leave,” the younger chokes out, avoiding the other's gaze. When Jaehwan simply remains where he stands, Hongbin walks over to the door, opening it silently.
Jaehwan walks up to him a few moments later. He appears to be deep in thought, much more withdrawn than before. ”If you think I would ever do a thing to hurt you, you're crazy,” he says, but Hongbin can't bear to look back at him. ”I would never. Never.”
Then he walks out the door, and Hongbin remains where he's standing, listening to the sound of Jaehwan putting his shoes on, waits until he hears the sound of the front door closing and giving it another thirty seconds before he walks out into the hallway to look the door. The tears fall when he reaches up to put the security chain back on, and he lets himself cry, because Jaehwan has disappeared to give room for someone else, someone new, someone who Hongbin can't keep up with.
And the most terrible thing is that Hongbin doesn't know why, but he's still in love with him.
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,635
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4
15:27
hongbin
hey, just wanted to let you know i'm back home now, so.. i can hang out whenever you have time.
Three days since Sanghyuk's birthday, since Hongbin's aunts threw their family party, since Hongbin and Jaehwan last texted each other. Neither of them has kept in touch since, and Hongbin has his reasons: He's too tense from knowing that their relationship might progress into something more, and soon, that he's not sure how to talk to the older until the air has been cleared.
Whatever reasons Jaehwan has, he doesn't know, but he suspects it might be something similar. So he waits for Jaehwan to reply, and he feels almost physically unable to do anything else while he waits, so he sits on his bed, freshly showered, in his favorite outfit, tapping his fingers on his knees in anticipation.
Two hours later, he has put on some music and he's lying down, staring at the ceiling, going through scenarios in his head and trying not to get too ahead of himself. Jaehwan hasn't replied. He chooses not to be worried. Hell, Jaehwan isn't his boyfriend yet, so Hongin shouldn't be too overbearing just yet.
And when his phone does vibrate, it is, to Hongbin's guilty disappointment, not a message from Jaehwan, but one from Sanghyuk. Again.
17:32
sanghyuk
hi
are you busy?
Hongbin sighs a little. He wishes he was.
17:33
hongbin
not really, why?
17:35
sanghyuk
i was wondering if you wanted to come over and try the games you got me or something
they're great but they're more fun in co-op mode
17:37
hongbin
co-op my ass, you just want to murder and humiliate me.
17:38
sanghyuk
please hyung
Hongbin gets up from his bed and gets ready to leave, as if he hasn't been, all day. At least getting out of the apartment might distract him a little, stop his racing thoughts and take his paranoia away for the time being. Also, of course there's the possibility that Jaehwan will be there - but the thought fills him with a strange feeling of guilt, because what if Jaehwan simply isn't ready to talk to Hongbin about all of this yet, and that's why he hasn't replied? What if he's busy? What if Hongin walking into the apartment will turn everything on its head and Jaehwan won't like it?
Well, Hongbin figures. If it was that important to the other boy, he should tell him so, not just disappear into the silence.
17:40
hongbin
is jaehwan hyung around?
17:42
sanghyuk
no
are you coming or not?
17:43
hongbin
i'll be there soon.
So, Jaehwan isn't home.
That doesn't mean anything, Hongbin tells himself, over and over and over again as Sanghyuk murders his character in cold blood. It's not like Jaehwan doesn't have other friends; just because he's out it doesn't necessarily mean that he's out with Taekwoon of all people, so really, there's no need for Hongbin's heart to beat so erratically and anxiously.
But there's something about Sanghyuk, too. Even though his cheek has healed up nicely by now, there's something in his eyes, the way he acts, in the way he doesn't speak as much as usual, how he seems to simply want someone to be there silently beside him, that makes Hongbin think that he's serving as the younger's stress relief. It wouldn't be the first time it has happened; he's sat through many uncertain hours with him following family fights and incidents at school. Sanghyuk isn't the type to talk about what's bothering him, and Hongbin isn't good with it either. So they talk about trivial things, praise the amazing graphics of the new games, and they steer clear of what's bothering them. Just as they always have.
When they sit down to have dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Lee, it's late, almost seven in the evening. The parents are silent and their smiles, that are supposed to be encouraging, are nothing but hollow and dejected. The look in their eyes say that they were hoping Jaehwan would come home in time for dinner, even as time passed half to six, six and half to seven, postponing it over and over, clinging to the hope that maybe he isn't picking up their calls because he's in such a hurry to get home to them. Hongbin wonders long how it will be until someone addresses the problem.
”So, hyung,” Sanghyuk says after an X amount of silent minutes. ”Do you want to stay and finish the game?”
They're having fish and mashed potatoes. There's an empty plate and a clean glass waiting for Jaehwan on the kitchen counter. ”I don't know, it's getting kind of late,” Hongbin says, as always raising his hand to check the time. ”I have some stuff to take care of at home. I could do it this weekend, though.”
He looks at the younger hopefully, but Sanghyuk gives him a nonchalant look as he stuffs more fried cod into his mouth. ”Can't. Me, Jackson and Sungjae are going out camping.”
”Camping?” Hongbin repeats back - it just seems a little bit too unlikely.
”That's right. Jackson's mom started bothering him about how much he stays in nowadays. I think he mostly wants to go so that something really bad will happen, and she will ground him instead.”
”You'll do fine,” Mrs. Lee says when Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, that reminds me, you have to go and buy yourself a new jacket before then.”
”Can't,” Sanghyuk grumbles again. ”I'm broke.”
”Didn't Jaehwan give you that gift card for your birthday?”
Sanghyuk's eyes lock with his plate, and he nods evasively. Hongbin, just like Sanghyuk's parents, can tell something is wrong. His stomach churns.
”Did you take the money and spend it something else?” Mrs. Lee's tone edges towards reprimanding, and for a few seconds, Hongbin hopes that that's all it is, that Sanghyuk is simply ashamed for that reason, but then he shakes his head.
”Then what? Just use the gift card.”
The youngest glances at Hongbin, then back down to the table, fidgeting where he sits. ”Whatever.”
”No, tell me, why can't you use the gift card?”
”Forget it,” Sanghyuk hisses.
Mrs. Lee turns around in her chair, eyes boring into her sun. ”You tell me right now, Sanghyuk. Why?”
Sanghyuk rolls his eyes and sighs heavily. ”Because Jaehwan hyung took the money to buy drugs, okay?!” His mother's eyes widen, and he picks up his plate, hurries away from them and throws it down into the sink with a loud clang, probably shattering it into pieces, Hongbin thinks.
They all still, and Hongbin puts his utensils down, feeling a hole opening up in his chest. Mrs. Lee's hands are quivering as she holds them up to cover her mouth, and when the door to Sanghyuk's room slams shut, it doesn't take long until Mr. Lee gets up with a heavy sigh, leaving them both to the silence. He doesn't say much. Never does. Hongbin doesn't know why he expected it to be any different in a situation like this.
Mrs. Lee starts crying, and Hongbin looks away. There are tears pressing against the back of his throat, but he doesn't want to cry and acknowledge the problem. He wants to comfort Mrs. Lee, whose crying face is breaking every square inch of his heart, and tell her that everything is going to be okay.
But most of all, he wants to scream, because things were going so right, Jaehwan said he was going to stop, and why would he say that if he was just going to go and do this?
”Tell me honestly,” Mrs. Lee says, sniffling and wiping her tears. ”Did you know about this?”
Hongbin stares at the table, ashamed. ”I knew... about the drugs. But I didn't know he had taken Sanghyuk's money, I swear.”
Mrs. Lee's groans of agony resonates through Hongbin's conscience. ”I don't know what to do,” she says, and Hongbin understands. ”I don't know how to talk to him about it, I mean - he's eighteen years old, I can't force him to do anything.” Pushing their leftover food away, Hongbin slides his hand over the table to hold Mrs. Lee's. He remembers the things he heard her yell at Jaehwan that day, right before the older came clean about his habits to him. He doesn't blame her for it. ”Oh, god, my little boy.”
She cries harder, and Hongbin holds her hand tighter. That's all he knows how to do. ”I tried to talk to him,” he says, earning him a sincerely emotional look from the woman opposite him. ”He said he was going to quit, but...”
”We can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to,” she finishes for him, and Hongbin nods reluctantly. That is the truth, he supposes. When Jaehwan said he was going to quit, it was for Hongbin's sake, not his own.
”I...” Hongbin tries, and something seems to be caught in his throat. ”I feel... very strongly about your son,” he admits, and Mrs. Lee looks back at him through round, tear-filled eyes. ”Believe me when I say I won't give up on him.”
Mrs. Lee squeezes his hand back. ”I know you do. Jaehwan has a lot of people that love him and that won't give up on him. We will work something out together.”
”Yeah,” Hongbin breathes, forcing himself to smile as the tears finally reach his eyes.
But oh, God, how distant the solution seems.
He knocks on Sanghyuk's door before he leaves.
”What?”
”It's me. Can I talk to you?”
”Yeah, sure, whatever.”
He pushes the door open and sees Sanghyuk immersed in one of the games they were playing earlier. He doesn't look up at Hongbin where he stands. ”How come you didn't tell me?” Hongbin asks bluntly.
”You said he was going to quit,” Sanghyuk says, eyes on the monitor.
Hongin nods. ”That's what he told me.” There's no reply. ”When did he take the money?”
Sanghyuk shrugs. ”A couple of days ago.”
Hongbin's chest burns, and he waits for the younger to say something else, anything, and the only sound to break the silence is the gunshots from Sanghyuk's game. ”I will try again, you know,” Hongbin says eventually, wanting a reaction out of the other so badly, and he doesn't even truly know why.
”Yeah?” Sanghyuk mutters. ”Good luck with that.”
”Hyuk-ah, are you okay?”
Sanghyuk slams his fist on the keyboard. ”No, I'm not fucking okay! My brother's a fucking drug addict, what do you think?!”
Hongbin withdraws with a nod. ”Text me if you want to talk about it, okay?”
Sanghyuk snorts. ”Sure. Yeah. Whatever.”
And with that, Hongbin leaves, leaves the apartment, the street and the area, and for once, he thinks his own apartment isn't far away enough from Jaehwan and he life he has loved so dearly up until now.
In the days that follow, nobody contacts Hongbin at all. He doesn't hear a single word from anybody. Not Jaehwan, Sanghyuk or their parents, none of Hongbin's other friends; it gets to the point where he starts wishing even Taekwoon would send him a message, give him a call, anything. His parents worry about him since it seems like he's isolating himself, and he considers for a moment if he should tell them about Jaehwan's newfound hobbies, but he decides against it. This is already more dramatic than what's healthy for him.
He goes out to take pictures every once in a while, even if he ends up just walking aimlessly some of the time without bringing anything of value with him home. The rest of the time he spends in his room, with music as his only company. He edits, spills his guts repeatedly in run-on Word documents, strums restlessly on his forgotten guitar, anything to pass the time, but nothing can ease the constant rapid beating of his heart, and the way his pulse rings in his ears with every second that passes.
Has he lost Jaehwan already?
The answer, Hongbin thinks, is probably. Maybe he's a coward for not trying to get in touch with Jaehwan again, but by now, he's too scared. Much too scared.
22:48
jaehwan
hey, i figured your parents would be sleeping so i prob shouldn't ring the doorbell but i'm outside. let me in pls~
Hongbin pales and gallops through the hallway to the front door. He struggles with the security chain for a few feverent moments before it slides off and Hongbin is allowed to push the door open.
”Hongbiiiiiin,” Jaehwan wheezes happily, attacking Hongbin in a tight hug. Hongbin laughs quietly in surprise; Jaehwan's body is warm. Very warm, in fact, sticky with sweat and smelling faintly of smoke. ”How are you?”
Hongbin hushes him. ”Not here, let's go to my room.”
They tiptoe back through the hall and into Hongbin's room, hand in hand, giggles on their tongues. And when Hongbin shuts the door behind them, Jaehwan takes a few moments to look around Hongbin's room. It's been a while since he was last here, Hongbin realizes; he's had time to redecorate a little bit.
Jaehwan stands under the angled roof, lined with two long strands of light and covered with pictures that Hongbin has taken. Most of them are of Jaehwan. He looks at them all carefully one by one, reaching out to touch some of them, and Hongbin feels selfconscious as he sits down on his bed, waiting for Jaehwan's tour of his room to be over.
”You've put up a lot of new photos.”
”Yeah, I haven't had much to do, really,” Hongbin laughs, watching him observantly.
”I like this one,” Jaehwan says, pointing towards the one of him standing on Hongbin's balcony - the unedited version.
”Yeah, that one's nice.” Hongbin is too worried that Jaehwan might be under the influence of something right now that he can't bear to consider it. ”You're so sweaty. What did you do, swim here?”
Jaehwan laughs, finally giving up on the pictures in Hongbin's ceiling. ”Nah, me and Taekwoon was at this thing. We were dancing.”
”Oh,” Hongbin says. Of course.
”I just felt like I had to get out of there, you know?” Jaehwan says, hurriedly walking over and bouncing down next to Hongbin. ”I felt the music pound through me until I didn't know if what I was feeling was the beat of the music or the beat of my heart, and I just started missing you. Just like that.”
Hongbin snorts. ”About time.”
”I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch,” Jaehwan huffs, and he looks genuinely apologetic. ”There's just been so much stuff happening recently.”
”So I heard,” Hongbin mutters. ”You've resurrected your friendship with Taekwoon hyung.”
Jaehwan frowns. ”We never fought.”
Hongbin rolls his eyes in response. ”So, at this thing you were just at... Did you get high? I mean, since you only get high at parties.”
Jaehwan flops back on the bed. ”It's just ecstasy. Ecstasy doesn't make you crazy. It just makes everything burn a little brighter.”
”Is that so.”
Jaehwan nods, smiling like a toddler. ”And it makes sex absolutely fantastic.”
Hongbin winces. ”Okay, I don't want to know how you know that.” And it's insane, he's completely off his rocker, but beneath everything else, Hongbin feels jealousy well up again.
”Oh, come on,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I think you'd like ecstasy. It makes you feel great and the comedown isn't that bad.”
”But you look like you're barely even here,” Hongbin mumbles, staring down at his best friend who has his arms stretched out in both directions where he lies.
”Oh, that. That's just the alcohol. I'm kind of drunk right now, too. So don't worry. You've seen me drunk before.” He smiles blissfully, and it's enough to make Hongbin want to vomit.
”Okay,” he says, standing up, ”I'm sorry but I don't think I can be with you like this.”
”What?” Jaehwan says, slowly easing himself into a sitting position.
”Hyung, have you forgotten everything?”
Jaehwan frowns at him. ”Forgotten what?”
Hongbin feels his heart pounding again; he feels like he's about to go crazy with rage. ”You said you were going to quit!”
”Ah,” Jaehwan says, nodding understandingly. ”Yeah, well, that didn't work out.”
”And why not?” Because he's already addicted.
Jaehwan shrugs. ”I don't have a reason to. I still have it perfectly under control.”
Hongbin thinks of Sanghyuk, and he quivers with fury. But he still doesn't want to throw the younger under the bus, especially when Jaehwan has obviously gone insane. ”But you said - You said it would fuck up your studies once school starts if you continue.”
”School won't start again for another month and a half, so chill,” Jaehwan says, starting to look a little annoyed.
”Then what about the stuff you said about Taekwoon hyung?” Hongbin spits. ”The stuff about how he manipulates you into doing things you don't want to, how it's like you don't have free will when he's around?”
Jaehwan shakes his head. ”That's not what I meant. You got that all wrong. Hyung is a good guy and we have a lot of fun together.”
Hongbin feels like he's about to fall apart. It's like the Jaehwan he has known and loved for so long is somewhere else, and this is an imposter here right now in his body. ”And you don't remember how you told me you didn't want me or anyone else to see you high?”
Jaehwan seems to consider it for a while. ”Yeah, but I've just done ecstasy tonight, Hongbinnie. I meant more like if I had done heroin or something, cause that shit can be really nasty...”
”I don't want to hear it!” Hongbin yells, catches himself, and lowers his voice. Jaehwan looks at him through big, surprised eyes. ”Hyung, I didn't ask you to quit for no reason. This is obviously starting to become a problem.” He feels like he's about to start crying, and Jaehwan is watching him anxiously.
”It's not a problem,” he says softly. ”Look, Hongbin, I'm just doing this to unwind, okay? Things are just really stressful right now, and this helps me take my mind off all of that.”
”What things?”
Jaehwan sighs. ”Well, you know, thinking about college, trying to deal with myself enough to come out of the closet...” He shrugs. ”Mainly those two things.”
Hongbin shakes his head. ”I'm sorry, but they just sound like excuses.”
Scoffing, Jaehwan stares at him. ”Shouldn't you of all people know how it feels to be closeted?”
Hongbin sighs. ”Why did you ignore me, hyung?”
”What?”
”Over these past few days since I came home,” Hongbin clarifies. ”You told me to tell you when I had time to hang out, so I did. Why didn't you reply?”
Jaehwan raises an eyebrow. ”I told you, I've been busy. I didn't realize there was such a hurry.”
”Busy doing ecstasy,” Hongbin hisses. ”Or was it heroin?”
Jaehwan simply tilts his head. ”Well, yeah. Busy trying to feel better about shit.”
Hongbin laughs. ”Oh, yeah. And what about Sanghyuk?”
”What about him?”
”Even if you don't think this whole thing is a problem, it's a problem for him.”
Jaehwan takes a deep breath, seemingly to collect himself. ”Okay, I did some stupid stuff to him, but that was in the beginning. I've sorted myself out now, okay? It's not a problem.”
”You stole money from him to buy drugs!” Hongbin half-yells, staring at Jaehwan with as much intensity as he dares. Jaehwan looks back at him blankly for a moment before looking away with a tired expression on his face.
”He promised he'd keep that to himself.”
”Hyung,” Hongbin breathes, terrified now, out of his mind. ”Don't you see how fucked up that is?”
”I'll pay him back.”
”You stole money from your fifteen year old brother and the only problem you have with this scenario is that someone found out,” Hongbin says, trying to plead some sense into the older boy.
”Okay, you know what,” Jaehwan says, standing up too, and Hongbin has to fight his instinct to take a step back. ”I'm done with this conversation. Go ahead and throw me out. Apparently it was a mistake coming here.”
”You think?” Hongbin says sarcastically, his eyes now filled with tears. Jaehwan moves towards the door, and Hongbin backs away, more scared than he can remember being for a long time. Jaehwan pauses in his movements then, his unfocused eyes on Hongbin's frightened face, and the tension in his body seems to dissipate.
”Hongbin?” he says in disbelief. ”Are you scared of me?”
”Hyung, please, just leave,” the younger chokes out, avoiding the other's gaze. When Jaehwan simply remains where he stands, Hongbin walks over to the door, opening it silently.
Jaehwan walks up to him a few moments later. He appears to be deep in thought, much more withdrawn than before. ”If you think I would ever do a thing to hurt you, you're crazy,” he says, but Hongbin can't bear to look back at him. ”I would never. Never.”
Then he walks out the door, and Hongbin remains where he's standing, listening to the sound of Jaehwan putting his shoes on, waits until he hears the sound of the front door closing and giving it another thirty seconds before he walks out into the hallway to look the door. The tears fall when he reaches up to put the security chain back on, and he lets himself cry, because Jaehwan has disappeared to give room for someone else, someone new, someone who Hongbin can't keep up with.
And the most terrible thing is that Hongbin doesn't know why, but he's still in love with him.