Achromatic Ecstasy, Part 1
Title: Achromatic Ecstasy
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,282
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
It's the fourth week of summer holidays before Hongbin's junior year of high school. His sleeping habits are more than just a little wrecked by now; enough so that he still feels drowsy when he heads over to Jaehwan's apartment this evening to play some video games. Summer is in full bloom, and he feels blessed as he turns his face towards the sun on his walk over there.
But maybe that feeling has more to do with the fact that he's about to see Jaehwan again after a whole month of separation. He doesn't know why, but after the last day of school, the older went into a state of silence where Hongbin was unable to reach him for weeks, a state which he only recently came out of. It was Jaehwan's idea to have a gaming night, and the thought fills Hongbin's chest with something that feels like boiling water.
Jaehwan's mother greets him at the door when he arrives, and he grins widely as she embraces him.
”Our dear Hongbin,” she fusses, ”you're finally back. It's so good to see you again.”
Hongbin wants to argue and say that it's Jaehwan who's back, not him, because he's been here all along. He can't imagine any other place he'd rather be. But he keeps quiet, and nods enthusiastically, because he's missed her, too, and the whole Lee family. ”Jaehwan only woke up an hour ago,” Mrs. Lee continues, gesturing towards his room. ”Go in there and sort him out for you, would you? Since he turned eighteen he barely listens to his mother anymore.”
They laugh, and Hongbin removes his shoes. ”I'm not much better myself, but I'll give it my best.” He leans forward, catching a glimpse of Mr. Lee sitting on the couch in the living room with the television remote securely in his hand. ”Hi, Mr. Lee!”
”Hongbin,” the man greets. His voice is low, and he never says much, but the feeling is warm, just like it always has been, every single time Hongbin has visited this apartment over the years.
Mrs. Lee leans closer and lowers her voice. ”Will you let Sanghyuk join you two for a while later?” she asks. ”He's been going on and on about this since Jaehwan told him you were coming over.”
Hongbin can't stop smiling. ”Of course,” he promises, because even though Jaehwan's brother is a few years younger than them, he's mature where it counts. Something that, Hongbin suspects, comes from having Jaehwan as a brother. ”I've missed him, too.”
Mrs. Lee gives him a grateful pat on his shoulder. ”My good boy.” Then she leaves, and Hongbin walks past the white kitchen, to the room the furthest to the left, and doesn't bother knocking before he enters.
Jaehwan is leaned back against his black couch, his feet on the table and a game controller in his hand. He gives Hongbin a quick glance when he enters, but turns his eyes back to the television immediately, probably because he's in the middle of an intense fight sequence. ”Hey there, Kong-ah,” he says, his oncoming smile broken by a frown as his character almot gets torn to pieces.
”Hey yourself,” Hongbin says, closing the door behind him. It feels good to be back.
”Check this out, this game is amazing,” Jaehwan hurries, as if they haven't just been apart, barely talking for a whole month.
”Which is it?” Hongbin asks, doing as he's told and hurrying over to the couch to throw himself down next to his hyung.
”It's the new Halo.”
”Already?” Hongbin gawks.
”Yeah,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I queued outside of gamestop last night.”
Hongbin raises an eyebrow, and Jaehwan glances at him. ”Really?”
”Don't look at me like that,” Jaehwan grumbles, pouting a little. ”I already know how sad I am. Or was. There's no room for sadness in me now, cause I have the new Halo game!” He laughs, and Hongbin rolls his eyes, unable to stop himself from laughing along.
”Please, don't tell me video games is the reason I haven't heard from you in an entire month,” Hongbin jokes, but Jaehwan's laughter dies down. An awkward smile appears in its place.
”No, no,” he assures. ”I'm sorry about that. Actually, I've been, uh, hanging out with someone.”
Hongbin stares at him. Does that mean Jaehwan got himself a girlfriend? He wants to ask, but at the same time, if Jaehwan has hooked up with someone, Hongbin doubts it would be a girl. ”Oh?” he asks instead.
”It's someone you know, but you'll never guess who it is,” Jaehwan continues, practically killing the buttons on his controller in an attempt to escape.
”Then who?”
”Jung Taekwoon,” Jaehwan says, and for a moment, Hongbin draws a blank, but then he remembers.
”Jung Taekwoon?” he repeats. ”The Taekwoon we went to elementary school with?”
”That's the one.”
”Huh,” Hongbin says, frowning as he watches Jaehwan's character draw closer to death. ”Wasn't he like a total introvert back then?”
”Oh yeah,” Jaehwan nods. ”With disgustingly rich parents.”
”Oh, that's right,” Hongbin says as his mind is flooded with memories of their younger days. ”He was the kid who had everything you could imagine except for friends.”
Jaehwan snorts. ”Something like that. You won't believe how much he's changed, though. So much stuff has happened to him, it's kind of crazy.”
Hongbin's ears perk up in curiosity. ”Like what?”
”Okay, get this,” Jaehwan starts, still with his eyes glued to the screen. ”He fell out with his parents so badly that for every week that passes when he doesn't contact them, they give him enough money to get by on his own.”
”For real?” Hongbin asks in disbelief.
”Yup,” Jaehwan nods. ”Until he turns twenty. Then he'll have to take care of himself.”
”Yikes.”
”Pretty much. And I don't know if it's because of that, but he's become really social and stuff since then. He basically talks more than me now.”
Hongbin laughs. ”Okay, now you're full of shit. That can't be possible.”
”Hey!” Jaehwan turns to him, face offended, and when he realizes his mistake and turns back to the television, his character is already dead. ”Look, you made me die,” he huffs. ”You murderer.”
Hongbin throws his head back and laughs. ”I never said it was a bad thing,” he says, face towards the ceiling. ”I like that you talk a lot.”
Jaehwan grunts in reponse. ”Do you want to give it a try?” he asks, holding out the controller for him.
”Sure,” Hongbin says, taking it in his hands. ”Watch me go further than you on my first try.”
”Okay, but I'm warning you, if you do our friendship is over, and I will deny to the whole world that I never even knew your name.” Hongbin laughs again, and lets his head slide off the backrest and onto Jaehwan's shoulder. Nothing has changed, Jaehwan doesn't push him away, and Hongbin feels as in love as he always has. He's long since past the point of suffering from it, too; he's content just like this, with Jaehwan being close to him out of his own free will rather than because of the promise of a relationship.
”So, you've been busy with Taekwoon,” Hongbin says as the screen loads. ”What have you guys been up to?”
”Not much,” Jaehwan tells him. ”Partying, mostly.”
”Really,” Hongbin says, because Jaehwan was honestly never much of a party person. Neither was Hongbin.
”Yeah, Taekwoon hyung is crazy about it,” Jaehwan explains. ”I've been going mostly for his sake.”
”Aha,” Hongbin mumbles. He feels his face heat up as he asks: ”So are you two... you know?”
”Are we what?”
”You know,” Hongbin says, straightening his back and removing his head from Jaehwan's shoulder. ”Dating, or whatever.”
Jaehwan looks appalled. ”Oh, God, no,” he says, giving a strained laugh. ”It's nothing like that. I'm pretty sure hyung is straight, and we're just friends.”
”Okay,” Hongbin says, holding up his hands a little to calm the other's outburst. His mind reels at how Jaehwan said Taekwoon's straight, nothing about his own orientation, and Hongbin thinks he has enough proof by now that there's a chance, however small it may be, that his feelings wouldn't be completely unrequited. He holds his breath, unsure of what else to say, and is saved by the game finally jumping to a start. ”Maybe I could join you guys sometime,” he says and tries to sound casual. ”If you don't mind, of course. It'd be interesting to see what Taekwoon hyung is like nowadays.” He shrugs.
Jaehwan's arm glides over the backrest, and if he just lowered it a little bit it would encircle Hongbin's shoulders. He wishes his upper body was taller. ”I was going to ask you about that, actually,” Jaehwan replies. ”He's coming over on Sunday. You could come, too.”
Jaehwan sounds just as casual as Hongbin doesn't feel. ”Okay, cool. I will.”
It doesn't take long until Jaehwan starts giving him pointers on how to best play the game. Hongbin does well on his own, but Jaehwan still covers his hands on the controller with his, showing him which buttons to press and when to do it, and Hongbin listens attentively, asks questions that he already knows the answers to, and he pretends silently to himself that they are a couple, that Jaehwan is his boyfriend, and his whole body feels lighter from happiness. Eventually Jaehwan decides he's taught him enough, but though he laughs when Hongbin makes mistakes, he cheers for him, too. And that's really all he needs.
”Has your dad started getting on your back about college yet, by the way?” he asks a few minutes later, and Jaehwan sprawls his upper body all over Hongbin's lap with a drawn-out groan.
”All the fucking time,” he whines, staring up at Hongbin through pained eyes. ”I swear, I've heard the word 'college' so many times over the past month that it's starting to lose its meaning to me. What is college? What is education? Who am I?”
Hogbin moves the controller out of the way to glance down at his friend. ”You're Lee Jaehwan, video game geek and the biggest drama queen the town has ever seen,” he grins, and laughs a little when the older shows him a face that is extremely unamused. ”Promise me that you'll take drama, hyung. It'd be such a waste if you didn't.”
”Ugh, I don't know,” Jaehwan responds, turning his head to watch Hongbin's progress. ”At this point, all I really care about is that it doesn't take me too far away from you... and everyone.” He scratches at his head. ”I like it too much here. That's all I really care about now.”
Hongbin smiles and uses the game as an excuse to not reply. It's a good thing, because nothing he wants to say is very appropriate, anyway.
”Do you want some chips?” Jaehwan asks after a few moments of silence. ”I bought the chili kind, since you like them so much.”
Hongbin nods. ”Sure.”
And Jaehwan gets up from his lap and leaves the room, leaves Hongbin to sigh contentedly to himself, because this is them. This is how they work. They toe the lines of friendship even though neither of them is sure where those lines are drawn, and when they get too close, Jaehwan is always the one to change the subject, to break away, and Hongbin knows that he's scared. That's okay. He can't do anything about that, and if Jaehwan ever comes around and gets over whatever it is that is holding him back, Hongbin will be there for him immediately. He's been ready for a long time, long enough that Jaehwan knows about his feelings for him, despite how hard Hongbin used to try to keep them to himself. They're too close to hide this kind of thing from one another.
And in all honesty, Hongbin can't wait for the day when things will finally happen with them. He's in no doubt that they will, someday.
”Hey, Hongbin,” Taekwoon greets him that Sunday, holding out his hand and bumping their shoulders together when Hongbin takes it. ”It's been a while, huh?”
Hongbin nods uncertainly. ”Yeah, no kidding,” he laughs. ”How are you, hyung?”
”Ah, you know,” Taekwoon says, waving his hand at him. ”Life sucks and then you die. Right?”
Hongbin blinks. ”Right.”
They're in Jaehwan's room, and as Hongbin and Taekwoon sink down on his couch, the owner of the room closes the door and looks at them with an almost tense expression on his face. Hongbin knows what he's feeling; introducing two people from different parts of your life can sometimes feel like worlds colliding, so he smiles at him in a way that he hopes is reassuring.
”Well, I heard you got your own place, at least?” Hongbin says, turning back to Taekwoon. ”That must be nice.”
”Yeah,” Taekwoon nods. ”It's a shitty little house over on the east side of town.” He grimaces. ”Actually, it's more like a cottage.”
”Uh,” Hongbin says and feels dumb. ”Well, even so, living alone must be heaven. I still live with my parents, so...” He stops himself when he remembers what Jaehwan told him, how Taekwoon's parents pay him not to get in touch, and he regrets his words immediately; Taekwoon would probably give anything to have parents that cared for him.
”Yeah, fuck 'em,” Taekwoon laughs, to Hongbin's surprise. He throws a look at Jaehwan, who is just sitting down on his bed, and he gives Hongbin a small smile that is the equivalent of a shrug. Hongbin wonders for a moment if Taekwoon has learned to read it yet. ”Anyway,” Taekwoon says, pulling his legs up on the couch between himself and Hongbin, ”what do you guys wanna do?”
Hongbin's eyes find Jaehwan's again, because they're both the type to be perfectly content with just talking, but Taekwoon seems to be different. He shifts his gaze between the two of them a few times, apparently expecting a plan of some sort, so Jaehwan clears his throat.
”I don't know, we could play some games or watch a movie or something,” he says, and Taekwoon seems happy with that answer.
”Alright. Do you have any beer?”
Hongbin has to hold back a laugh.
”Not at the moment, sorry,” Jaehwan says, smiling sheepishly.
Taekwoon nods. ”Then how about some weed?”
Hongbin's eyes widen without his consent. Jaehwan throws him an uncomfortable look, and Hongbin can't help but wonder how the older ended up becoming friends with this guy, of all people. ”No, I don't,” Jaehwan says, hushed. ”I can't smoke that shit around here, you know, my parents would flip if they found out.”
Oh. Oh. Hongbin stares between the two of them and he doesn't feel like laughing anymore.
”I get you,” Taekwoon nods. Then he turns to Hongbin. ”How about you? Do you get high?”
”Uhm,” Hongbin stutters. ”No. Not so far.”
Taekwoon leans back, nodding slowly. ”Right. Man, you should have been there last weekend, though. It was so great.” He looks to Jaehwan for agreement, excited smile on his face, and Jaehwan returns it, but there's shame in his eyes and it leaves Hongbin puzzled.
”Why? What happened?”
”We just got a little high,” Jaehwan hurries, stumbles past the words as if he wants them out of the way. ”That's all.” He gives Taekwoon a pointed look, and if he thinks that Hongbin hasn't learned to pick up on those yet, he's terribly mistaken.
”Yeah,” Taekwoon agrees, straightening out his features a little. ”But it was a lot of fun. You should come with us sometime.”
Hongbin feels speechless, but he nods, because he feels as though that's the furthest he's capable of going right now. ”Maybe so.”
They fall silent, and for the first time in God knows how long, Hongbin doesn't feel like returning Jaehwan's stare that's burning into the side of his face. It's not that bad, Hongbin tells himself. He doesn't know much about the drug, but what he does know is that alcohol can in many cases be considered more dangerous. It's fine, it's okay, it's no big deal.
Except, Jaehwan is lying to him, and he doesn't know about what.
”So, how about that movie, huh?” Taekwoon asks, breaking the silence. Both of the others look at him. ”What do you want to watch?”
Well, if this isn't insane, Hongbin thinks when Taekwoon takes off a few hours later and he's left alone with his best friend, the one he thought he knew so well. A lot can apparently happen in a month.
He knows from the look on the other boy's face when the door slams shut that he knows exactly what Hongbin is thinking, so he decides to waste no time. ”So,” he mumbles, and Jaehwan sighs. ”You're smoking weed now, huh?” All things considered, he manages to not make it sound like an accusation.
Jaehwan shrugs. ”It's no big deal.” He walks around Hongbin and sits down in the spot Taekwoon has been occupying all night.
”Right.” He doesn't know what else to say that won't make him sound like a worried parent, or, god forbid, a terribly un-hip person, so he sighs. ”You weren't kidding when you said Taekwoon has changed.”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes, disguising a laugh.
”He's kind of...”
Jaehwan looks at him, seemingly scared of what he's going to say. ”Messed up?”
”Something like that,” Hongbin agrees.
”Who isn't a little messed up, though,” Jaehwan asks, and Hongbin wants to think neither he nor Jaehwan is particularly messed up, but he holds it back. Maybe it isn't true, anyway. ”Considering what he's gone through with his parents, it isn't that strange. He's still nice.”
”Yeah, I don't mean it like he's a bad guy or anything.” Jaehwan looks down at his hands, and Hongbin feels awful where he stands, just inside the door. ”It'll just take some time for me to understand him, I guess.”
”I get that,” Jaehwan nods. And then silence falls, like Hongbin feared it would, and it's not at all the comfortable silence that they're used to, because Hongbin can't help but feel like he has been let down, even if Jaehwan is a free person who can do whatever he wants, and Jaehwan himself seems to feel as though he has let Hongbin down, too.
”So,” Jaehwan says, stretching uncomfortably, ”do you want to stay and play some games or something?” Hongbin hesitates, and Jaehwan hurries to continue: ”Or we could listen to some music or just, I don't know, anything.”
”I should probably get home,” Hongbin says. He looks at the watch on his wrist - he's probably the last person in the universe who still wears a wrist watch despite carrying a cellphone, what a loser he is, really - and it shows only a few minutes past eight in the evening. Even so, he doesn't want to stay. And he thinks maybe it's the first time that has happened.
”Okay,” Jaehwan says. They both know that the other feels it too; that their inability to talk about this might turn into something much worse than it needs to be. But Jaehwan gets up and walks him out into the hallway, and they wave at Sanghyuk who's having a night snack at the kitchen table, full of smiles and teasing words as always.
”I'll see you soon?” Jaehwan tries as Hongbin opens the front door. The younger smiles and nods, because he doesn't under any circumstances want to lose his best friend.
”Yeah,” he replies. ”See you.”
The moment the door closes, he is terrified.
Part 2
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,282
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
It's the fourth week of summer holidays before Hongbin's junior year of high school. His sleeping habits are more than just a little wrecked by now; enough so that he still feels drowsy when he heads over to Jaehwan's apartment this evening to play some video games. Summer is in full bloom, and he feels blessed as he turns his face towards the sun on his walk over there.
But maybe that feeling has more to do with the fact that he's about to see Jaehwan again after a whole month of separation. He doesn't know why, but after the last day of school, the older went into a state of silence where Hongbin was unable to reach him for weeks, a state which he only recently came out of. It was Jaehwan's idea to have a gaming night, and the thought fills Hongbin's chest with something that feels like boiling water.
Jaehwan's mother greets him at the door when he arrives, and he grins widely as she embraces him.
”Our dear Hongbin,” she fusses, ”you're finally back. It's so good to see you again.”
Hongbin wants to argue and say that it's Jaehwan who's back, not him, because he's been here all along. He can't imagine any other place he'd rather be. But he keeps quiet, and nods enthusiastically, because he's missed her, too, and the whole Lee family. ”Jaehwan only woke up an hour ago,” Mrs. Lee continues, gesturing towards his room. ”Go in there and sort him out for you, would you? Since he turned eighteen he barely listens to his mother anymore.”
They laugh, and Hongbin removes his shoes. ”I'm not much better myself, but I'll give it my best.” He leans forward, catching a glimpse of Mr. Lee sitting on the couch in the living room with the television remote securely in his hand. ”Hi, Mr. Lee!”
”Hongbin,” the man greets. His voice is low, and he never says much, but the feeling is warm, just like it always has been, every single time Hongbin has visited this apartment over the years.
Mrs. Lee leans closer and lowers her voice. ”Will you let Sanghyuk join you two for a while later?” she asks. ”He's been going on and on about this since Jaehwan told him you were coming over.”
Hongbin can't stop smiling. ”Of course,” he promises, because even though Jaehwan's brother is a few years younger than them, he's mature where it counts. Something that, Hongbin suspects, comes from having Jaehwan as a brother. ”I've missed him, too.”
Mrs. Lee gives him a grateful pat on his shoulder. ”My good boy.” Then she leaves, and Hongbin walks past the white kitchen, to the room the furthest to the left, and doesn't bother knocking before he enters.
Jaehwan is leaned back against his black couch, his feet on the table and a game controller in his hand. He gives Hongbin a quick glance when he enters, but turns his eyes back to the television immediately, probably because he's in the middle of an intense fight sequence. ”Hey there, Kong-ah,” he says, his oncoming smile broken by a frown as his character almot gets torn to pieces.
”Hey yourself,” Hongbin says, closing the door behind him. It feels good to be back.
”Check this out, this game is amazing,” Jaehwan hurries, as if they haven't just been apart, barely talking for a whole month.
”Which is it?” Hongbin asks, doing as he's told and hurrying over to the couch to throw himself down next to his hyung.
”It's the new Halo.”
”Already?” Hongbin gawks.
”Yeah,” Jaehwan laughs. ”I queued outside of gamestop last night.”
Hongbin raises an eyebrow, and Jaehwan glances at him. ”Really?”
”Don't look at me like that,” Jaehwan grumbles, pouting a little. ”I already know how sad I am. Or was. There's no room for sadness in me now, cause I have the new Halo game!” He laughs, and Hongbin rolls his eyes, unable to stop himself from laughing along.
”Please, don't tell me video games is the reason I haven't heard from you in an entire month,” Hongbin jokes, but Jaehwan's laughter dies down. An awkward smile appears in its place.
”No, no,” he assures. ”I'm sorry about that. Actually, I've been, uh, hanging out with someone.”
Hongbin stares at him. Does that mean Jaehwan got himself a girlfriend? He wants to ask, but at the same time, if Jaehwan has hooked up with someone, Hongbin doubts it would be a girl. ”Oh?” he asks instead.
”It's someone you know, but you'll never guess who it is,” Jaehwan continues, practically killing the buttons on his controller in an attempt to escape.
”Then who?”
”Jung Taekwoon,” Jaehwan says, and for a moment, Hongbin draws a blank, but then he remembers.
”Jung Taekwoon?” he repeats. ”The Taekwoon we went to elementary school with?”
”That's the one.”
”Huh,” Hongbin says, frowning as he watches Jaehwan's character draw closer to death. ”Wasn't he like a total introvert back then?”
”Oh yeah,” Jaehwan nods. ”With disgustingly rich parents.”
”Oh, that's right,” Hongbin says as his mind is flooded with memories of their younger days. ”He was the kid who had everything you could imagine except for friends.”
Jaehwan snorts. ”Something like that. You won't believe how much he's changed, though. So much stuff has happened to him, it's kind of crazy.”
Hongbin's ears perk up in curiosity. ”Like what?”
”Okay, get this,” Jaehwan starts, still with his eyes glued to the screen. ”He fell out with his parents so badly that for every week that passes when he doesn't contact them, they give him enough money to get by on his own.”
”For real?” Hongbin asks in disbelief.
”Yup,” Jaehwan nods. ”Until he turns twenty. Then he'll have to take care of himself.”
”Yikes.”
”Pretty much. And I don't know if it's because of that, but he's become really social and stuff since then. He basically talks more than me now.”
Hongbin laughs. ”Okay, now you're full of shit. That can't be possible.”
”Hey!” Jaehwan turns to him, face offended, and when he realizes his mistake and turns back to the television, his character is already dead. ”Look, you made me die,” he huffs. ”You murderer.”
Hongbin throws his head back and laughs. ”I never said it was a bad thing,” he says, face towards the ceiling. ”I like that you talk a lot.”
Jaehwan grunts in reponse. ”Do you want to give it a try?” he asks, holding out the controller for him.
”Sure,” Hongbin says, taking it in his hands. ”Watch me go further than you on my first try.”
”Okay, but I'm warning you, if you do our friendship is over, and I will deny to the whole world that I never even knew your name.” Hongbin laughs again, and lets his head slide off the backrest and onto Jaehwan's shoulder. Nothing has changed, Jaehwan doesn't push him away, and Hongbin feels as in love as he always has. He's long since past the point of suffering from it, too; he's content just like this, with Jaehwan being close to him out of his own free will rather than because of the promise of a relationship.
”So, you've been busy with Taekwoon,” Hongbin says as the screen loads. ”What have you guys been up to?”
”Not much,” Jaehwan tells him. ”Partying, mostly.”
”Really,” Hongbin says, because Jaehwan was honestly never much of a party person. Neither was Hongbin.
”Yeah, Taekwoon hyung is crazy about it,” Jaehwan explains. ”I've been going mostly for his sake.”
”Aha,” Hongbin mumbles. He feels his face heat up as he asks: ”So are you two... you know?”
”Are we what?”
”You know,” Hongbin says, straightening his back and removing his head from Jaehwan's shoulder. ”Dating, or whatever.”
Jaehwan looks appalled. ”Oh, God, no,” he says, giving a strained laugh. ”It's nothing like that. I'm pretty sure hyung is straight, and we're just friends.”
”Okay,” Hongbin says, holding up his hands a little to calm the other's outburst. His mind reels at how Jaehwan said Taekwoon's straight, nothing about his own orientation, and Hongbin thinks he has enough proof by now that there's a chance, however small it may be, that his feelings wouldn't be completely unrequited. He holds his breath, unsure of what else to say, and is saved by the game finally jumping to a start. ”Maybe I could join you guys sometime,” he says and tries to sound casual. ”If you don't mind, of course. It'd be interesting to see what Taekwoon hyung is like nowadays.” He shrugs.
Jaehwan's arm glides over the backrest, and if he just lowered it a little bit it would encircle Hongbin's shoulders. He wishes his upper body was taller. ”I was going to ask you about that, actually,” Jaehwan replies. ”He's coming over on Sunday. You could come, too.”
Jaehwan sounds just as casual as Hongbin doesn't feel. ”Okay, cool. I will.”
It doesn't take long until Jaehwan starts giving him pointers on how to best play the game. Hongbin does well on his own, but Jaehwan still covers his hands on the controller with his, showing him which buttons to press and when to do it, and Hongbin listens attentively, asks questions that he already knows the answers to, and he pretends silently to himself that they are a couple, that Jaehwan is his boyfriend, and his whole body feels lighter from happiness. Eventually Jaehwan decides he's taught him enough, but though he laughs when Hongbin makes mistakes, he cheers for him, too. And that's really all he needs.
”Has your dad started getting on your back about college yet, by the way?” he asks a few minutes later, and Jaehwan sprawls his upper body all over Hongbin's lap with a drawn-out groan.
”All the fucking time,” he whines, staring up at Hongbin through pained eyes. ”I swear, I've heard the word 'college' so many times over the past month that it's starting to lose its meaning to me. What is college? What is education? Who am I?”
Hogbin moves the controller out of the way to glance down at his friend. ”You're Lee Jaehwan, video game geek and the biggest drama queen the town has ever seen,” he grins, and laughs a little when the older shows him a face that is extremely unamused. ”Promise me that you'll take drama, hyung. It'd be such a waste if you didn't.”
”Ugh, I don't know,” Jaehwan responds, turning his head to watch Hongbin's progress. ”At this point, all I really care about is that it doesn't take me too far away from you... and everyone.” He scratches at his head. ”I like it too much here. That's all I really care about now.”
Hongbin smiles and uses the game as an excuse to not reply. It's a good thing, because nothing he wants to say is very appropriate, anyway.
”Do you want some chips?” Jaehwan asks after a few moments of silence. ”I bought the chili kind, since you like them so much.”
Hongbin nods. ”Sure.”
And Jaehwan gets up from his lap and leaves the room, leaves Hongbin to sigh contentedly to himself, because this is them. This is how they work. They toe the lines of friendship even though neither of them is sure where those lines are drawn, and when they get too close, Jaehwan is always the one to change the subject, to break away, and Hongbin knows that he's scared. That's okay. He can't do anything about that, and if Jaehwan ever comes around and gets over whatever it is that is holding him back, Hongbin will be there for him immediately. He's been ready for a long time, long enough that Jaehwan knows about his feelings for him, despite how hard Hongbin used to try to keep them to himself. They're too close to hide this kind of thing from one another.
And in all honesty, Hongbin can't wait for the day when things will finally happen with them. He's in no doubt that they will, someday.
”Hey, Hongbin,” Taekwoon greets him that Sunday, holding out his hand and bumping their shoulders together when Hongbin takes it. ”It's been a while, huh?”
Hongbin nods uncertainly. ”Yeah, no kidding,” he laughs. ”How are you, hyung?”
”Ah, you know,” Taekwoon says, waving his hand at him. ”Life sucks and then you die. Right?”
Hongbin blinks. ”Right.”
They're in Jaehwan's room, and as Hongbin and Taekwoon sink down on his couch, the owner of the room closes the door and looks at them with an almost tense expression on his face. Hongbin knows what he's feeling; introducing two people from different parts of your life can sometimes feel like worlds colliding, so he smiles at him in a way that he hopes is reassuring.
”Well, I heard you got your own place, at least?” Hongbin says, turning back to Taekwoon. ”That must be nice.”
”Yeah,” Taekwoon nods. ”It's a shitty little house over on the east side of town.” He grimaces. ”Actually, it's more like a cottage.”
”Uh,” Hongbin says and feels dumb. ”Well, even so, living alone must be heaven. I still live with my parents, so...” He stops himself when he remembers what Jaehwan told him, how Taekwoon's parents pay him not to get in touch, and he regrets his words immediately; Taekwoon would probably give anything to have parents that cared for him.
”Yeah, fuck 'em,” Taekwoon laughs, to Hongbin's surprise. He throws a look at Jaehwan, who is just sitting down on his bed, and he gives Hongbin a small smile that is the equivalent of a shrug. Hongbin wonders for a moment if Taekwoon has learned to read it yet. ”Anyway,” Taekwoon says, pulling his legs up on the couch between himself and Hongbin, ”what do you guys wanna do?”
Hongbin's eyes find Jaehwan's again, because they're both the type to be perfectly content with just talking, but Taekwoon seems to be different. He shifts his gaze between the two of them a few times, apparently expecting a plan of some sort, so Jaehwan clears his throat.
”I don't know, we could play some games or watch a movie or something,” he says, and Taekwoon seems happy with that answer.
”Alright. Do you have any beer?”
Hongbin has to hold back a laugh.
”Not at the moment, sorry,” Jaehwan says, smiling sheepishly.
Taekwoon nods. ”Then how about some weed?”
Hongbin's eyes widen without his consent. Jaehwan throws him an uncomfortable look, and Hongbin can't help but wonder how the older ended up becoming friends with this guy, of all people. ”No, I don't,” Jaehwan says, hushed. ”I can't smoke that shit around here, you know, my parents would flip if they found out.”
Oh. Oh. Hongbin stares between the two of them and he doesn't feel like laughing anymore.
”I get you,” Taekwoon nods. Then he turns to Hongbin. ”How about you? Do you get high?”
”Uhm,” Hongbin stutters. ”No. Not so far.”
Taekwoon leans back, nodding slowly. ”Right. Man, you should have been there last weekend, though. It was so great.” He looks to Jaehwan for agreement, excited smile on his face, and Jaehwan returns it, but there's shame in his eyes and it leaves Hongbin puzzled.
”Why? What happened?”
”We just got a little high,” Jaehwan hurries, stumbles past the words as if he wants them out of the way. ”That's all.” He gives Taekwoon a pointed look, and if he thinks that Hongbin hasn't learned to pick up on those yet, he's terribly mistaken.
”Yeah,” Taekwoon agrees, straightening out his features a little. ”But it was a lot of fun. You should come with us sometime.”
Hongbin feels speechless, but he nods, because he feels as though that's the furthest he's capable of going right now. ”Maybe so.”
They fall silent, and for the first time in God knows how long, Hongbin doesn't feel like returning Jaehwan's stare that's burning into the side of his face. It's not that bad, Hongbin tells himself. He doesn't know much about the drug, but what he does know is that alcohol can in many cases be considered more dangerous. It's fine, it's okay, it's no big deal.
Except, Jaehwan is lying to him, and he doesn't know about what.
”So, how about that movie, huh?” Taekwoon asks, breaking the silence. Both of the others look at him. ”What do you want to watch?”
Well, if this isn't insane, Hongbin thinks when Taekwoon takes off a few hours later and he's left alone with his best friend, the one he thought he knew so well. A lot can apparently happen in a month.
He knows from the look on the other boy's face when the door slams shut that he knows exactly what Hongbin is thinking, so he decides to waste no time. ”So,” he mumbles, and Jaehwan sighs. ”You're smoking weed now, huh?” All things considered, he manages to not make it sound like an accusation.
Jaehwan shrugs. ”It's no big deal.” He walks around Hongbin and sits down in the spot Taekwoon has been occupying all night.
”Right.” He doesn't know what else to say that won't make him sound like a worried parent, or, god forbid, a terribly un-hip person, so he sighs. ”You weren't kidding when you said Taekwoon has changed.”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes, disguising a laugh.
”He's kind of...”
Jaehwan looks at him, seemingly scared of what he's going to say. ”Messed up?”
”Something like that,” Hongbin agrees.
”Who isn't a little messed up, though,” Jaehwan asks, and Hongbin wants to think neither he nor Jaehwan is particularly messed up, but he holds it back. Maybe it isn't true, anyway. ”Considering what he's gone through with his parents, it isn't that strange. He's still nice.”
”Yeah, I don't mean it like he's a bad guy or anything.” Jaehwan looks down at his hands, and Hongbin feels awful where he stands, just inside the door. ”It'll just take some time for me to understand him, I guess.”
”I get that,” Jaehwan nods. And then silence falls, like Hongbin feared it would, and it's not at all the comfortable silence that they're used to, because Hongbin can't help but feel like he has been let down, even if Jaehwan is a free person who can do whatever he wants, and Jaehwan himself seems to feel as though he has let Hongbin down, too.
”So,” Jaehwan says, stretching uncomfortably, ”do you want to stay and play some games or something?” Hongbin hesitates, and Jaehwan hurries to continue: ”Or we could listen to some music or just, I don't know, anything.”
”I should probably get home,” Hongbin says. He looks at the watch on his wrist - he's probably the last person in the universe who still wears a wrist watch despite carrying a cellphone, what a loser he is, really - and it shows only a few minutes past eight in the evening. Even so, he doesn't want to stay. And he thinks maybe it's the first time that has happened.
”Okay,” Jaehwan says. They both know that the other feels it too; that their inability to talk about this might turn into something much worse than it needs to be. But Jaehwan gets up and walks him out into the hallway, and they wave at Sanghyuk who's having a night snack at the kitchen table, full of smiles and teasing words as always.
”I'll see you soon?” Jaehwan tries as Hongbin opens the front door. The younger smiles and nods, because he doesn't under any circumstances want to lose his best friend.
”Yeah,” he replies. ”See you.”
The moment the door closes, he is terrified.
Part 2