Title: Achromatic Ecstasy
Pairing: Kenbin
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, drama, AU, bunch of fucked up stuff
Summary: Despite having been best friends all their lives, it only takes them one month apart to turn everything on its head.
Chapter wordcount: 3,802
A/N: This fic deals with themes that may be triggering to some. Read with caution.
Part 1 -
Part 2 -
Part 3 -
Part 4 -
Part 5 -
Part 6 -
Part 7 -
Part 8 11:21
taekwoon
ok, you've obviously gotten yourself a brainwashing boyfriend, which means you lied to me. and that's fine, since i don't want people like you around anyway. but you know as well as i do that i've given you both ecstasy, heroin and weed that i could have sold to someone else. you've lost me thousands of dollars this way. pay me back, and we'll forget everything. pay me back, and this won't have to get worse than it already is.
Jaehwan does indeed owe Taekwoon money, and he tells Hongbin this with dejection and shame. He barely even knew it himself, he says; Taekwoon has given him drugs on numerous occasions, but he always said not to worry about it. They were gifts. Sharing is caring. But now that they aren't friends anymore, Taekwoon wants it all back.
”How much money are we talking about here?” Hongbin asks. Jaehwan slumps back against him, shaking his head.
”I haven't a clue. Way more than I have. Which doesn't say much, I know, since I don't have enough to buy gum right now.”
They're on Jaehwan's couch again, this time with Hongbin leaning against the arm rest and Jaehwan perched between his legs with his back against Hongbin's chest. Hongbin's arms wrap around his stomach, and he feels surrounded by everything Jaehwan.
”I don't have any money to speak of either,” Hongbin says. If he did, he'd gladly give it all up to get Jaehwan out of this mess. ”How about your parents?”
Jaehwan shakes his head. ”It's too much, I can't ask them for it. I got myself into this, I have to get myself out.”
”Come on, hyung,” Hongbin says, his hand squeezing Jaehwan's bended knee. ”They'd be more than happy to help you leave this whole thing behind.”
Jaehwan's head falls back against Hongbin's shoulder. ”My dad will kill me if we have to take from the college fund.”
Hongbin sighs, leaning his head against Jaehwan's. The truth is that even though this is a big problem, it's a much more substantial one, one that Hongbin and Jaehwan can work towards solving together, so Hongbin feels relieved. ”So what are you thinking?”
”I'm thinking... I'll have to try and find a job, something simple, and give everything I earn to Taekwoon.”
”I'll look for one too, then.”
Jaehwan leans to the side to get a look at his boyfriend's face. ”What?”
”I'll find a job, too, and help you pay off your debt so that we can forget this whole thing as quickly as possible.”
”Hongbin, no,” Jaehwan says quietly, his fingers coming up to caress the skin right below Hongbin's throat. ”I can't let you do that.”
”Well, you can't stop me,” Hongbin grins. ”It's not like I'm in any immediate need of money, you know? Besides, I'd rather you owe the money to me than to that psycho.” He shudders.
”But-”
”We have plenty of time to settle it later,” Hongbin argues. ”Don't we?”
Jaehwan stares at him for a few seconds, but smiles in defeat when he realizes what Hongbin means. ”We do.”
”Are you going to tell Taekwoon about it?”
Jaehwan's brow furrows. ”I don't know. I guess I should, huh? But not today, I can't bring myself to talk to him right now.”
He presses a soft kiss to Hongbin's lips, and it's supposed to be reassuring, but today is a particularly bad day for Jaehwan. He hasn't said it out loud, but he doesn't need to; Hongbin can see it easily by now. If it's because of Taekwoon's latest message, or if it's after-affects (of ecstasy or otherwise), Hongbin isn't sure. He doesn't know if he should ask.
Jaehwan turns around and leans his back against Hongbin's chest again, and Hongbin embraces him tightly, closing his eyes as he tries to transfer some warmth, some positivity, happiness, maybe, into the other's body. Hongbin's most beloved CD is playing again, now from Jaehwan's speakers, and the music calms him down to the point where he feels like he might fall asleep.
”Hyung,” he tries. ”Do you want to tell me why you got into this whole thing to begin with?”
Jaehwan shifts in his embrace. ”I would if I knew.”
”When you came to my apartment that day, you said it was to unwind, to distract you from all the stuff that stresses you out.”
Jaehwan laughs. ”I remember.”
”But?”
The older's hands slide over Hongbin's arms down to his hands. ”It's true in a sense, I suppose. For the longest time, I had no idea what I wanted. With my life, with college... with you.” He pauses, cluching at Hongbin's hands. ”I still don't know what I want to do with my life, and now that everyone keeps pressuring me about college, it just... It sets that off, I guess. Apparently I'm not very good at handling stress. And Taekwoon hyung came around at just the right moment to take advtange of that.” He hums. ”Maybe he could smell my fear.”
Hongbin laughs at that. ”It does seem like his area of expertise.”
”Yeah,” Jaehwan replies in a scoff. ”Either way, at the end of the day, those things are all just excuses. Getting high was a relief at first, but then it became... An addiction. A much bigger problem than everything I was running from combined.” He lifts one of Hongbin's hands to his mouth, kissing it carefully. ”And because you tried to stop me from doing it, I ended up running from the real cure to my problems, too.”
Hongbin frowns. ”What do you mean?”
”You,” Jaehwan says quietly. His face is turned away, so Hongbin can't see his expression, but he feels like he might implode. ”I'm so in love with you... And you make me feel so much better, even at a time when I physically can't be okay. It makes me wish that I would have been brave enough to trust you with all of this instead of dragging us both into this mess.”
”Shh, hyung. It's alright.” He can't see it, but he can hear the tears in Jaehwan's voice now.
”If I hadn't been so crazy, we could have gone on actual dates by now without a care in the world. It could have been so amazing.”
Hongbin holds him tighter. ”It's already amazing, hyung. None of those things matter.”
But Jaehwan shakes his head. ”I can't do anything for you. I just... I don't have the energy, and I just feel so...”
”Hyung, listen to me,” Hongbin says, grabbing onto the older's shirt. ”The fact that you took the step to bring yourself out of your addiction, and that you came to me, is the best thing that could have possibly happened in my life. I'm not in love with you because you do things for me, alright? And I'm in love with you even when you're sad. So be sad, hyung. I'll wait it out with you, and it won't make me want you any less.”
”Hongbin...” Jaehwan breathes, holding onto Hongbin's arms so tightly it almost hurts. ”God, I'm...”
Hongbin hushes him, and he repeats the words in his head: I love you, I love you, I love you. ”All that matters to me is that you get better.” That's just another version of that I love you, he supposes, and he feels content, reaching up to blindly wipe at the tears on Jaehwan's cheeks. ”Are you scared that I will leave you if you don't feel better fast enough?”
The silence that greets his question tells him everything he needs to know.
”I finally have you to myself, why would I ever leave?”
And Jaehwan laughs through his tears, holding on for dear life. Hongbin hopes that's enough to keep the fears at bay for a while - they've had enough of it to last a lifetime.
They've played the CD so many times by now that Jaehwan is starting to learn the lyrics to the songs, much to Hongbin's joy. He widens his eyes as the other sings along to one of his favorite songs that day, when they're still captured in each other's arms there on the couch. ”Oh,” he says in surprise, ”you're starting to learn the words.”
Jaehwan stops singing. ”Well, I know you love this song.” He lets himself fall back into the melody for a moment before continuing: ”I'm going to keep this album forever, and these songs will always make me think of you.” He rolls over in Hongbin's arms so that he's facing him, chest flush against Hongbin's stomach. The tears have long since dried on his cheeks, and Hongbin smiles at him, unable to hide the way his heart beats faster at the look in Jaehwan's glassy eyes. Jaehwan crawls in closer, pressing his lips against Hongbin's, disarming him completely, if he ever had any resistance to the older to begin with, and the older climbs up along his body while Hongbin slides down so that Jaehwan hovers over him slightly, pressing hungry kisses to his lips.
”I could get used to this,” Hongbin says when Jaehwan pulls back to look at him. ”Having you on top of me.”
Jaehwan smiles, somewhere halfway between embarrassed and playful. ”You'd better,” he says, only for his breath to hitch when Hongbin's warm hands slip into his shirt and slide up his stomach. Grinning in response to Jaehwan's choked groan, Hongbin lets his hands wander onto Jaehwan's back, nails scraping against his skin slightly, and Jaehwan kisses him again, pressing himself closer, much closer than before.
The door opens quietly. It was never fully closed, and since the two of them are pre-occupied with other things, their eyes closed, they don't see Sanghyuk standing in the doorway.
”Oh. Uh, oh.”
They separate quicker than they thought possible, heads snapping towards the door, but Jaehwan doesn't get off Hongbin.
”I didn't know you two were...” Sanghyuk trails off, staring down at the floor. ”I mean... Jesus, get a room or something.”
”We have a room,” Jaehwan says pointedly. ”This room. It's mine.”
”Point,” Sanghyuk mumbles, looking everywhere but at the two of them. Hongbin stifles his laughter by burying his face in Jaehwan's sleeve. ”Uhm... Anyway... Mom wanted me to tell you that dinner's ready... But it looks like you guys already had yours.”
Jaehwan picks up a pillow from under Hongbin's head and holds it up in warning. Sanghyuk flees the scene with a high-pitched laugh, and Hongbin and Jaehwan are left staring at each other in the silence.
”Let's go,” Jaehwan says, about to sit up and get off Hongbin, but the younger holds onto his wrist and drags him back down again. When Jaehwan looks at him questioningly, Hongbin simply captures the other's face in his hands and pulls him down to his lips, kissing him again, this time slower, slower than any of their previous kisses. He feels Jaehwan breathe shakily against him, and Hongbin loses himself in the feeling, Jaehwan's lips relaxed and soft against his own. They don't know how many minutes pass like this, but in the end, it's Hongbin who opens his eyes and pulls back, his breathing uneven and love overflowing, almost to the point where it makes him weep. He sees the feeling reflected in Jaehwan's eyes, and it's almost a little too much, so Jaehwan gets off, helps Hongbin off the couch, and they walk into the kitchen hand in hand, silently.