Line 49 (Chapter 29) (Part 1)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 12,405
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
Chapter 27: "That's the most important thing, right? Happiness?"
Chapter 28: "I love her."
A/N:
I'm back! Whooooo! And here's a 12k+ words long chapter as a reward for your patience. ;;
- 32 -
Yuri didn't show up to school the next day. It made Jessica worried, but only for a second, before it was overshadowed by relief. Before lunch, she sent Sunny a text; since Yuri isn't here, let's talk after class, and watched as the younger girl took out her phone and read the message with a dejected look on her face. Let's go out to the music building again, but I don't want anyone to see us do it, Jessica sent then, and Sunny gave her a short nod from across the classroom.
Yoona sat with Taeyeon and Tiffany by the senior girls' lockers, their usual hangout spot. Yuri still hadn't showed up, Sooyoung and Seohyun were nowhere to be seen, and Sunny and Jessica were off doing God knows what. Their absence made something in Yoona's brain twitch uncomfortably; she had thought the Sunny/Jessica problem to be over. If it wasn't, she still didn't have any idea what to do about it.
It was lunch time, yet none of them seemed to have a very active appetite. They sat in together in silence, Tiffany in the middle with the two others on each side, and Yoona wondered how much they knew about the situation. Tiffany and Jessica were close, they all knew that, so would Sunny have told them? Or would she have stayed on the safe side?
Tiffany sighed deeply, making the two other girls look up at her. "You okay?" Yoona asked, nudging her softly with her knee.
"We should do something," Tiffany said, absent-mindedly staring straight ahead. "All of us, together."
Yoona smiled. "Feeling lonely?"
"No, not really," Tiffany said, shaking her head. "It's just that... now that Jessica and Yuri seem to have worked things out and you and Seohyun are talking again... we should do something. I'd hate it if we were to plan something and had to rule one or two of us out just because of things that have happened."
Yoona threw her arm around the older girl's shoulders, leaning against her. "You're right, we should," she said, but in her mind it all felt very distant. She didn't know if she'd ever feel normal around Seohyun again.
The thought evaporated from her mind the moment Seohyun herself appeared in front of her, dragged there by a tired-looking Sooyoung. Yoona withdrew her arm from Tiffany's shoulders, gaze flicking awkwardly between the youngest's face and lower legs. She looked beautiful, as always, the stress of their situation not having any physical effect on her. Yoona felt herself light up; Seohyun's presence both relieved her and made her feel uncomfortable.
"Still no Yuri?" Sooyoung asked, sitting down next to Yoona.
Tiffany shook her head. "She's still not replying to my texts."
"Where's Sunny?" Sooyoung asked as Seohyun went to take a seat next to Taeyeon. "And Jessica?" Realization dawned on her and she widened her eyes at Yoona, who shook her head silently.
"We don't know."
Sooyoung nodded, trying to seem nonchalant and failing miserably. Yoona held herself back from reaching out and punching her on the shoulder, but was saved from her struggle when Seohyun suddenly sat down on Sooyoung's other side. She felt that old familiar weight in her stomach again as she looked into the younger girl's eyes.
"Hi," Seohyun said with a nervous smile. "How are you?"
"I'm alive," Yoona said, smiling equally as nervously back. "You?" Sooyoung sat between them, staring down at her lap with a very tense expression on her face, and Yoona suddenly became aware that the other girls had fallen silent listening to them. She realized with a start that this was the first time she and Seohyun had been together in the girls' company since the break-up.
"I'm okay," Seohyun replied. "Except... I have this English test that I need to study for. Do you want to go to the library?"
"Sure," Yoona said, standing up without a second thought, butterflies and fear fighting for dominance in her stomach. "I have some math I need to take care of anyway, so."
"Great," Seohyun beamed, standing up too. "Let's go."
They waved their goodbyes to the girls and tried to ignore the way Tiffany looked like a proud mother, making their way to the library while smiling awkwardly at each other every now and again.
It was a cloudy day that bore no resemblance to the day many weeks ago, when the two of them had ran out to hide behind the music building, hand in hand, giggling and shivering with excitement. It made Jessica's heart ache, but she knew it was better this way. She needed to break up with Sunny, quickly and painlessly, and just forget about the whole thing.
But things had changed in her, in a devastating way that she didn't want to admit. Paranoia, guilt and fear of Yuri finding out, of being judged and abandoned by her friends, filled her now at all times, and she was sure she could sleep for two days straight if she would just be given the chance. She was exhausted.
She leaned her back against the same yellow wall that she had pushed Sunny against and kissed her senselessly all those weeks ago, and the memory flooded her mind and made her feel weak. She glanced at Sunny, who stood in front of her, her eyes cast down, and wondered if the other girl thought the same.
"We have to-" she began, about the throw the words end it out there thoughtlessly, but the pained look in the other's eyes reminded her that Sunny was a person, not a problem that Jessica should get out of the way. She took a deep breath, trying to identify the hurt in her heart, but not succeeding. "Sunny... This was a mistake. I love Yuri, and I'm not a cheater." Sunny looked up at her at that, and Jessica was much too aware of the evidence that said yes, you are, the worst kind of cheater, but she ignored it. "We should have ended this before it even began. I'm sorry I led you on when I couldn't deal with telling you the truth about going back to Yuri." She swallowed heavily, still hating apologies and admitting her wrong-doings with all of her heart, but she guessed she needed to pay for her mistakes somehow.
Sunny looked away again, apparently in deep thought. "Say something," Jessica said, fear of Sunny turning on her and deciding to tell Yuri boiling in her stomach.
"I can't accept that," Sunny said eventually.
Jessica stared at her. "Why?"
"Because I'm in love with you," Sunny replied simply. Jessica blinked at her, feeling her cheeks heat up and a familiar tugging in her stomach. "I'm not..." Sunny continued, staring somewhere around Jessica's knees, "I'm not going to try to blackmail you into doing anything, but... I want you to know the whole truth before you decide on anything. I'm in love with you." She inched closer, just a tiny step, and Jessica looked away, hating that she was so affected by the younger's words. "Are you going to tell Yuri what we did?" Sunny asked then, giving Jessica a questioning glare, straight into her eyes.
Jessica shook her head immediately. "No, never."
"Why not?" Sunny asked. Jessica merely shook her head. The idea was unthinkable to her. "Pretending it never happened won't make it untrue."
"I know that," Jessica replied, "but it's the closest I can come." She paused, feeling horribly guilty. "It won't ever happen again, so... pretending like it never did happen is practically the same..." She stopped herself, the words too horrible and the look in Sunny's eyes too sympathetic. And why was that? Shouldn't the younger girl hate her more than anybody, after having been promised love and then ignored for weeks on end? "Yuri can't ever find out," she said, disregarding her thoughts. "I can't even imagine what she'd do if she did..."
"I'm not an expert," Sunny said with a helpless smile, "but I've heard relationships are supposed to be built on trust and safety." Jessica pushed her hands down her pockets, her too now staring at the ground. She was overwhelmed with relief over how calmly they were talking, that neither of them were crying or screaming yet. "Will you be able to feel safe with her from now on?"
And Jessica knew what Sunny was doing, that she was trying to win her over again, win her back, stop her from leaving her, but she couldn't help but be pulled along with her scheme. "It's not about-"
"No," Sunny cut her off. "I just told you the truth, that I’m in love with you, and all I ask for is that you do the same, okay?"
Jessica braced herself, feeling like she couldn't breathe under the other girl's strong eyes. She nodded. "I... am terrified," she admitted, voice quivering. "Not just of Yuri leaving me, but of my friends finding out that I hurt her." Tears welled up in her eyes, and she forced them back. "They'd never look at me the same again. And I've lied so much, to everyone, that I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Not Tiffany, not Yoona, not Yuri, no one." Sunny took another step closer at the sight of her teary eyes, her face worried and her hand coming to rest on Jessica's elbow. "Do you understand why we can't keep doing this?" Jessica asked. "They'd hate me if I hurt her. All of them would. Tiffany knowing is bad enough, and she said she'd tell Yuri if I didn't end it with you." The words fell out of her, and she felt like she wouldn't have been able to stop them even if she would have wanted to.
"You're scared because you don't think anyone would accept your decision," Sunny said, hands sliding up deliciously over Jessica's arms towards her shoulders, spreading warmth in all directions of her body. "And you think that if Yuri found out the truth about you, she wouldn't love you anymore." Jessica nodded, not doing anything to push Sunny away, even as she moved in closer. "Jessica..." the younger whispered, letting her hands fall from Jessica's shoulders down to her waist as she embraced her. "No matter what happens, I will always want you," she whispered into her ear. "I know everything you've done, and there is nothing you could ever do to make me want to leave you. I would do anything... to be with you." Jessica buried her face in Sunny's shoulder and let her tears spill out, just for a short moment. Sunny's words were so relieving, so safe, because it was everything she wanted in that moment. Someone who knew about the horrible things she had done and still loved her unconditionally. Still, the memory of Yuri saying the same thing, there's nothing I wouldn't do to make this work, shook her head and filled her with anxiety.
"I'm in love with you," Sunny repeated. Jessica pulled back from the embrace slightly. "I know what I said about needing you to break up with Yuri, but I was just being greedy. If you don't feel ready, then fuck it," she breathed against Jessica's neck. "I want you to be happy, and I want to be with you." Her lips touched Jessica's skin in a featherlike kiss, so soft and sweet that Jessica almost couldn't feel it, and suddenly her knees felt weak for a whole other reason. "So if you have any kind of feelings left for me..." Sunny continued, "Stay with me. Please."
"But the girls..." Jessica whispered.
"They only have to know what we tell them," Sunny said, pulling back. "It's between us. You and me." The look in her eyes was certain, almost devilishly so, and Jessica knew she shouldn't get pulled in, should have broken up with her over the phone, but she could feel her resistance crumbling and her repressed love for Sunny bloom in her heart once again. "I'll stay with you for however long it takes to get out of this mess, and I'll be there for you when you come out on the other side. Okay?"
It was there, right in Sunny's embrace, that Jessica felt it again; the feeling of safety, the one she had longed for, the one she had missed since the night of her first kiss with Sunny, and she gave in, knowing that maybe she was just getting herself into even bigger trouble by allowing herself to feel so much for the other, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Not after the words she had said, not after the way she made Jessica feel. "I want you..." Jessica whispered, "But I want Yuri, too." Sunny nodded, but her gaze didn't waver. "You just... have to understand that I'm very confused right now."
"Then let me prove to you that I love you more than she does," Sunny said, and that was enough. Jessica's lips found Sunny's, and she kissed her like she would never kiss anyone ever again, forgotten want, lust and longing overflowing in every part of her body, her hands finding Sunny's neck and pulling her impossibly close.
She knew she should be horrified about her own lack of self-control and morals, but it seemed things never worked out the way she wanted them to, especially not her own feelings. This was just one time in a row of many, and for just one moment, she wanted to believe in Sunny's promises and feelings of safety.
"See me after school," Sunny panted between kisses. "Come to my place, and I'll prove it to you. I promise."
Yoona tried her best to focus on her math, she really did. For at least four and half seconds. Then all thoughts of numbers exploded and scattered out of her ears, because how could she focus on math when Seohyun was at the opposite end of the table? After a few minutes, she sneaked a look at the other girl without raising her head, only to catch her mirroring her actions. They both looked away instantly, jerking back a little, before looking at each other openly, laughing when they didn't know what else to do.
"I'm already sensing this is going to be a problem," Seohyun laughed.
"I think you're right," Yoona agreed, closing her book.
Seohyun copied her actions. "If you have something to say, you should just say it."
"As if you don't?" Yoona said, raising an eyebrow. The younger tried to feign ignorance for a few seconds before a smile broke out on her face, and she nodded in defeat. "You go first."
Seohyun inhaled slowly, staring down at the table with a hesitant look on her face. "I... I just wanted to ask... about the funeral."
Yoona forced herself not to feel too much. "What about the funeral?"
Seohyun shrugged. "How was it?"
"Well, you know, funerals," Yoona replied, smiling bitterly. "They're never much fun."
Seohyun nodded. "Was it awful?"
"More or less." Yoona squeezed the pen in her hand. "The worst part was seeing his mother."
Seohyun stared at her through widened eyes. "Was she angry?"
"With me? No," Yoona replied. "Actually, she wasn't mad at anybody. I told her I would do anything, if there's ever anything I could do for her... Which of course, there isn't. She was... too nice to me. Way nicer than I deserved. Even when I told her about what had happened." They looked at each other, and for the first time Yoona wondered why Seohyun couldn't forgive her if Mrs. Lee could.
"Thank God," Seohyun mumbled. "Imagine if she would have blamed you for it."
"No, thank you," Yoona said, laughing unhappily. "I've imagined that too much already."
They fell silent, Seohyun nodding a little, making no attempts to avoid Yoona's eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after the funeral," she said then, and with the way her voice shrunk, Yoona believed in her sincerity. "I wanted to call you, but... I was scared I would make things more difficult for you."
Yoona frowned and leaned back in her chair. "Right."
"What are you thinking?" Seohyun asked. "What were you going to tell me?"
Yoona shook her head, trying to sort out her thoughts. "I don't know. I just find it weird when you decide what's best for me." Seohyun looked surprised at that, and Yoona did her best to skip right past the guilt. "Although, at the same time I don't know what I would have felt if you had called me that day. So maybe you're right." She shrugged, feeling endlessly tired and confused.
"It's not about me deciding what's best for you," Seohyun tried, but Yoona cut her off.
"Some of the time, it is. And I think it's usually about what you feel about things... Whether or not you feel like you can deal with them. You assume I feel the same as you about it, but I don't." She paused, waiting to see if the younger would be offended by her words, but her face showed nothing. "I missed you, Seohyun. I felt like I needed you, and I still do. I still miss you." Not wanting her emotions to get the better of her, she looked down, speaking the words in a flat voice, as if she felt nothing. Before the other girl had a chance to reply, she continued: "Before Sungmin died, I felt so pressured and so scared, but now I'd give anything to feel like that again. I felt like I knew you, understood you, like I had you pegged. You made me feel safe." The sad look she received from Seohyun made her ache. "Now I'm not so sure anymore."
"Maybe we did rush into this too quickly," Seohyun said, looking away.
"It's not that I don't like you as much as I thought," Yoona hurried to clarify. "Not at all. It's just that I found out about this side of you that I had no idea existed, and I don't know how to deal with it, really."
"Of course," Seohyun said, looking a little relieved. "That's bound to happen when you get to know each other. But since we've talked about why I did what I did-"
"I still don't understand," Yoona interrupted.
Seohyun stared blankly at her. "I've explained it to you-"
"So explain it again." Yoona knew she was being rude and impossible, but she didn't care. All she wanted was to understand. Sighing heavily, Seohyun tapped her fingers and long nails on the table. "The girls keep telling me about your morals and the way you work... but it doesn't make it any easier for me to understand."
"Listen, Yoona," Seohyun said surprisingly calmly. "I feel... so much for you. And I've missed you, too. I've missed you so much, and I want us to get back on track, to talk about other things, things that aren't filled with tragedy-"
"I can't talk about everyday things with you when we have this big cloud over our heads," Yoona cut in.
"I know. That's why we need to talk this out first." Yoona let her eyes trace Seohyun's long hair, and she remembered getting her fingers tousled in it. Taking a deep breath, she let the feeling of longing take her over. "I just needed something that could make all of this seem okay again, something that could-"
"But how is that ever going to happen?" Yoona demanded, a bit too loudly for the library. "Where could you ever find that?"
"I did," Seohyun said quietly.
Yoona stared at her. "You did?" Seohyun nodded. "What?"
"I... I went to talk to Sungmin."
Yoona raised an eyebrow. "You did what?"
"I went to Sungmin's grave to talk to him," the younger said, calm but resolute. "Maybe it sounds stupid to you, but it eased my mind."
"It doesn't sound stupid," Yoona said, shaking her head. She would be lying if she said she hadn't considered it herself; she just hadn't found the strength yet. "What did you say to him?"
Seohyun avoided Yoona's eyes. "I... explained."
"Explained what?"
The look in the other girl's eyes told Yoona that about to cross a line. "That I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Yoona tilted her head, pushing further. "So you're here now because you feel guilty?"
Seohyun snorted. "I'm here now because I think I'm in love with you." Her eyes were steady and her voice was firm, and Yoona could feel the fear in her stomach slowly be eaten by the ever growing butterflies. "I wanted to find a way to fix things, but Sungmin is gone, and I had to realize that. By going to his grave, I thought I was making one last attempt to set things right, but really it was my way of accepting that some things can't be fixed."
Yoona nodded. She let go of the pen in her hand, reaching over the table to take Seohyun's hand in hers. The skin was cold, but her fingers curled up against Yoona's immediately. "Okay," Yoona breathed.
"Is that enough?" Seohyun said, her eyes suspiciously glassy. "Do you understand now?"
Squeezing her hand, Yoona nodded. "I think so."
"I want it all to be over and done with," Seohyun said, eyes now brimming with tears. "For once, I don't want to take responsibility for what has happened."
"You can't," Yoona said. Her heart ached for the younger girl. "I've been trying to tell you, what's done is done. We can't keep hanging on to it."
Seohyun nodded, pursing her lips and swallowing heavily, biting back the tears. "I know that now. And I wanted to call you and tell you so much, but this is the first time I feel this way, I didn't know what to do." She smiled apologetically at Yoona, blinking furiously. "I just want to find my way back to you."
Yoona smiled, a relief she hadn't experienced until that moment filling her. "To tell the truth, there's nothing I want more than to go back to what we were before," she said, her thumb stroking Seohyun's wrist. "But... things are different now. And to be honest, I don't know if I fully trust you the way I did before."
Seohyun's fingers clutched at her hand, as if trying to pull her back, stop her trust from disappearing. "Which is why we need to start talking again. Start seeing each other again."
Yoona nodded, surrendering to her need to be close to the other girl. "Do you want to do something today after school?" she asked, glancing at the clock and realizing with a start that they were in fact still in school, with lots of people surrounding them that may be listening in on their conversation. The world came rushing back and she shook her head a couple of times, trying to ease back into it.
"Dance practice again," Seohyun said with a stiff smile. "You could come along again... if you want," she added hesitantly. "Finish what we started last time."
"Yes," Yoona said without a moment's hesitation. "I'll be there. Let me just text my mother."
Seohyun smiled at her when she withdrew her hand, the first genuine smile she had seen on her face for a long time. "I hope you can trust me again," she said. Yoona glanced at her while retrieving her cellphone.
"Me too."
"Okay. Call me when you get home, yeah? I need details."
Taeyeon fiddled with Tiffany's car door absent-mindedly, listening with one ear as the other ended what seemed to be a very enthusiastic phone call. Tiffany's phone had gone off when they were almost back home after school, and as Tiffany had insisted that she needed to take the call, she had pulled over by the side of the road before picking up.
"Alright. Bye for now."
The younger hung up, moving her long, black hair over her shoulder as she glanced down on her phone. "Big news?" Taeyeon asked, taking the opportunity to admire Tiffany's side profile. After weeks of living together, she had stopped freaking out whenever the other girl would catch her staring; she never seemed to jump to any conclusions over it.
Tiffany looked up at her with an apologetic smile. "Yeah, sorry about that. It was Seohyun."
"Oh?" Taeyeon said as Tiffany started up the engine again.
"It seems like she and Yoona are making progress. Yoona is coming with her to ballet practice, and Seohyun is freaking out about it, because she's not sure if she can handle it."
Taeyeon nodded, staring out the window as the car started moving again. There seemed to be rain in the air again. "But she's starting to see the light, right? About the whole Sungmin thing, I mean?" she said, looking over to her left, where Tiffany faced her with a shrug.
"I don't know. I mean, she's started the thought process, but feelings... They're hard to control."
Taeyeon slumped back against the car seat when Tiffany drove them up the last hill leading to Tiffany's house. "Tell me about it," she muttered, earning her a quick, questioning glance from the other girl. She ignored it, in awe of her own recklessness. The awe quickly transformed into fear when she realized what was happening: Taeyeon was becoming so calm, she was becoming bored. She wanted something to happen, wanted to stir things up, and that, more than anything, is dangerous. Who knew what kind of ideas she would get?
"You alright?" Tiffany asked, giving Taeyeon a few worried looks while at the same time trying to keep her eyes on the road.
"Yeah," Taeyeon breathed in reply, staring out the window again. "I just... I don't know. Everything that's happened... It's making me confused." She took a deep breath, tried to break through and disperse her thoughts before she said too much, but they remained like a fog in her head.
"Confused about what?" Tiffany asked, keeping her eyes on the road as they passed the last street to their home. It both frustrated and relieved Taeyeon.
"I don't know," Taeyeon repeated. "I don't think it's a conversation we should be having right now. Did Seohyun seem okay?" she asked, hurrying to change the subject. Something uncomfortable seemed to be pulsating behind her ribcage.
Tiffany kept silent for a few seconds while she made the last turn and the car slowly rolled into their driveway. "Yeah," she said then, "she seemed excited and freaked out at the same time, but mostly good."
Not until the engine died down and everything became silent did Taeyeon realize how off Tiffany seemed, how her usual warmth seemed closed off, how her eyes didn't seem to sparkle the way they normally did. She hesitated for a second before opening the car door. "That's good," she said, pushing the door open, but remaining seated when she realized Tiffany wasn't moving.
"Yeah," Tiffany nodded, staring straight ahead, through the window, towards the front door of the house. "I think, given time, they might work it out."
Taeyeon nodded. The way Tiffany didn't seem to want to look at her made her scared, sure she had done something wrong, and she scolded herself because it was high time she stopped being so insecure, but the sinking feeling in her stomach remained. "Are you okay?" she asked eventually, dreading the answer.
Tiffany looked at her then. She didn't smile, but neither did she look particularly sad. "Like you, I'm unsure," she said after a beat, traces of a fake smile gracing her features.
Taeyeon shifted in her seat. Never, not once, had Tiffany opened up to her about any of her own problems; in fact, a lot of the time it seemed like she had none. Taeyeon knew better, of course, but she had never wanted to ask. "Do you... want to talk about it?" she offered, stopping her hands from awkwardly scratching at her neck. "I'm not very good with the advice, as you know, but sometimes it helps just to get it out."
Tiffany smiled, looking down at her lap. "I wish you'd give yourself more credit, Taeyeon," she said, and Taeyeon shuddered as a cold wind brushed in through the open door. "But yeah, I think... I think I'd like that." She gave Taeyeon a searching glance, and the other felt helpless, like if Tiffany didn't know the answer to a problem, then there probably wasn't one. "Do you want to go for a walk?"
Smiling fondly, Taeyeon stared out the window, up at the grey clouds. "What is it with you and walks whenever you want to talk to someone?" she said softly.
Tiffany gave a half laugh. "I just, sometimes it's easier to talk to someone if you don't have to constantly look them in the face. You know, so you don't feel so pressured by their eyes on you."
"I suppose you're right," Taeyeon replied. "It's cold today, though."
Looking past Taeyeon and out the window, Tiffany nodded slowly. "Then how about we go for a drive?" she asked. "Would you mind?"
"Not at all," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. Without another word, Tiffany started the engine again and backed them out of the driveway. Taeyeon felt stiff and numb where she was sitting.
She relaxed when they'd driven down the hill and were heading out of the town. Tiffany hadn't said anything since they drove off, and Taeyeon was debating with herself on whether or not she should ask, just say something, anything that might get the conversation flowing. Because not only was she scared that Tiffany might be upset with her, but that void look in Tiffany's eyes, the lack of life in her made Taeyeon's heart ache. She didn't think she had anything in way of words to offer the younger girl, but if there was anything she could do to help, she would.
So, she took a deep breath and turned towards Tiffany in her seat. "What's wrong, Tiffany?"
Instead of looking back at her, Tiffany checked the rear view mirror, seemingly surprised by her words. "Nothing is wrong. I mean, it's nothing to worry about." She kept her eyes locked on the road ahead. "I'm just... I'm feeling weird about a lot of things right now."
Taeyeon felt her heartbeat speed up. "Like?"
Silence fell as Tiffany transported them into less populated areas. When an entire minute of nothingness had passed, Taeyeon decided to take Tiffany's unresponsiveness as a rejection, and she looked out through the window, preparing to stay quiet for the rest of the drive when Tiffany spoke again. "There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she said solemnly. "And... I just feel like I know a lot more about you than you do about me, and that's unfair."
"Alright," Taeyeon said hesitantly.
"And, well," Tiffany continued with a slight shrug, "a lot of those things will be hard for me to tell you, and there are reasons for that. Reasons that I want to tell you... but that, in itself, will be hard."
Taeyeon frowned. "You can tell me anything," she stuttered. "With all you've done to help me over the past months, I practically owe you my life."
Tiffany smiled at that, but shook her head to dismiss her words. "How do you feel about everything that's happened, Taeyeon?" she asked then, to Taeyeon's surprise. "I just realized we haven't really talked much about what happened with your mother since we visited her."
"I'm alright," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. "I know this would have happened sooner or later, since she can't accept me, so it's for the best if we..." She fell silent, looking around in confusion as she suddenly recognized the scene in front of them. "Are we going to the beach?"
Tiffany gave a short laugh. "It was the only place I could think of." Taeyeon felt her heart shake as she remembered the beach night; how long ago it seemed now, and how much it had meant to her back then, and how her life had changed since that night. Something shifted inside her, her emotions seemed closer to the surface, and she swallowed heavily. "But go on, what were you going to say?"
"I... haven't a clue," she said with a laugh, looking away, not liking the way tears suddenly felt close. "Weren't you going to tell me what's bothering you anyway?"
Tiffany shrugged again, and Taeyeon felt suddenly like they were both trying to run away from thinking of or dealing with their problems. "I'd like to, but it's difficult," Tiffany said, and her tone was too dismissive now, so Taeyeon stayed quiet in her seat, watching the trees pass by the window in a blur. The curiosity that sparked in her stomach was almost painful, and kept on being so until Tiffany pulled over by the side of the road.
Part 2
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 12,405
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
Chapter 27: "That's the most important thing, right? Happiness?"
Chapter 28: "I love her."
A/N:
I'm back! Whooooo! And here's a 12k+ words long chapter as a reward for your patience. ;;
- 32 -
Yuri didn't show up to school the next day. It made Jessica worried, but only for a second, before it was overshadowed by relief. Before lunch, she sent Sunny a text; since Yuri isn't here, let's talk after class, and watched as the younger girl took out her phone and read the message with a dejected look on her face. Let's go out to the music building again, but I don't want anyone to see us do it, Jessica sent then, and Sunny gave her a short nod from across the classroom.
Yoona sat with Taeyeon and Tiffany by the senior girls' lockers, their usual hangout spot. Yuri still hadn't showed up, Sooyoung and Seohyun were nowhere to be seen, and Sunny and Jessica were off doing God knows what. Their absence made something in Yoona's brain twitch uncomfortably; she had thought the Sunny/Jessica problem to be over. If it wasn't, she still didn't have any idea what to do about it.
It was lunch time, yet none of them seemed to have a very active appetite. They sat in together in silence, Tiffany in the middle with the two others on each side, and Yoona wondered how much they knew about the situation. Tiffany and Jessica were close, they all knew that, so would Sunny have told them? Or would she have stayed on the safe side?
Tiffany sighed deeply, making the two other girls look up at her. "You okay?" Yoona asked, nudging her softly with her knee.
"We should do something," Tiffany said, absent-mindedly staring straight ahead. "All of us, together."
Yoona smiled. "Feeling lonely?"
"No, not really," Tiffany said, shaking her head. "It's just that... now that Jessica and Yuri seem to have worked things out and you and Seohyun are talking again... we should do something. I'd hate it if we were to plan something and had to rule one or two of us out just because of things that have happened."
Yoona threw her arm around the older girl's shoulders, leaning against her. "You're right, we should," she said, but in her mind it all felt very distant. She didn't know if she'd ever feel normal around Seohyun again.
The thought evaporated from her mind the moment Seohyun herself appeared in front of her, dragged there by a tired-looking Sooyoung. Yoona withdrew her arm from Tiffany's shoulders, gaze flicking awkwardly between the youngest's face and lower legs. She looked beautiful, as always, the stress of their situation not having any physical effect on her. Yoona felt herself light up; Seohyun's presence both relieved her and made her feel uncomfortable.
"Still no Yuri?" Sooyoung asked, sitting down next to Yoona.
Tiffany shook her head. "She's still not replying to my texts."
"Where's Sunny?" Sooyoung asked as Seohyun went to take a seat next to Taeyeon. "And Jessica?" Realization dawned on her and she widened her eyes at Yoona, who shook her head silently.
"We don't know."
Sooyoung nodded, trying to seem nonchalant and failing miserably. Yoona held herself back from reaching out and punching her on the shoulder, but was saved from her struggle when Seohyun suddenly sat down on Sooyoung's other side. She felt that old familiar weight in her stomach again as she looked into the younger girl's eyes.
"Hi," Seohyun said with a nervous smile. "How are you?"
"I'm alive," Yoona said, smiling equally as nervously back. "You?" Sooyoung sat between them, staring down at her lap with a very tense expression on her face, and Yoona suddenly became aware that the other girls had fallen silent listening to them. She realized with a start that this was the first time she and Seohyun had been together in the girls' company since the break-up.
"I'm okay," Seohyun replied. "Except... I have this English test that I need to study for. Do you want to go to the library?"
"Sure," Yoona said, standing up without a second thought, butterflies and fear fighting for dominance in her stomach. "I have some math I need to take care of anyway, so."
"Great," Seohyun beamed, standing up too. "Let's go."
They waved their goodbyes to the girls and tried to ignore the way Tiffany looked like a proud mother, making their way to the library while smiling awkwardly at each other every now and again.
It was a cloudy day that bore no resemblance to the day many weeks ago, when the two of them had ran out to hide behind the music building, hand in hand, giggling and shivering with excitement. It made Jessica's heart ache, but she knew it was better this way. She needed to break up with Sunny, quickly and painlessly, and just forget about the whole thing.
But things had changed in her, in a devastating way that she didn't want to admit. Paranoia, guilt and fear of Yuri finding out, of being judged and abandoned by her friends, filled her now at all times, and she was sure she could sleep for two days straight if she would just be given the chance. She was exhausted.
She leaned her back against the same yellow wall that she had pushed Sunny against and kissed her senselessly all those weeks ago, and the memory flooded her mind and made her feel weak. She glanced at Sunny, who stood in front of her, her eyes cast down, and wondered if the other girl thought the same.
"We have to-" she began, about the throw the words end it out there thoughtlessly, but the pained look in the other's eyes reminded her that Sunny was a person, not a problem that Jessica should get out of the way. She took a deep breath, trying to identify the hurt in her heart, but not succeeding. "Sunny... This was a mistake. I love Yuri, and I'm not a cheater." Sunny looked up at her at that, and Jessica was much too aware of the evidence that said yes, you are, the worst kind of cheater, but she ignored it. "We should have ended this before it even began. I'm sorry I led you on when I couldn't deal with telling you the truth about going back to Yuri." She swallowed heavily, still hating apologies and admitting her wrong-doings with all of her heart, but she guessed she needed to pay for her mistakes somehow.
Sunny looked away again, apparently in deep thought. "Say something," Jessica said, fear of Sunny turning on her and deciding to tell Yuri boiling in her stomach.
"I can't accept that," Sunny said eventually.
Jessica stared at her. "Why?"
"Because I'm in love with you," Sunny replied simply. Jessica blinked at her, feeling her cheeks heat up and a familiar tugging in her stomach. "I'm not..." Sunny continued, staring somewhere around Jessica's knees, "I'm not going to try to blackmail you into doing anything, but... I want you to know the whole truth before you decide on anything. I'm in love with you." She inched closer, just a tiny step, and Jessica looked away, hating that she was so affected by the younger's words. "Are you going to tell Yuri what we did?" Sunny asked then, giving Jessica a questioning glare, straight into her eyes.
Jessica shook her head immediately. "No, never."
"Why not?" Sunny asked. Jessica merely shook her head. The idea was unthinkable to her. "Pretending it never happened won't make it untrue."
"I know that," Jessica replied, "but it's the closest I can come." She paused, feeling horribly guilty. "It won't ever happen again, so... pretending like it never did happen is practically the same..." She stopped herself, the words too horrible and the look in Sunny's eyes too sympathetic. And why was that? Shouldn't the younger girl hate her more than anybody, after having been promised love and then ignored for weeks on end? "Yuri can't ever find out," she said, disregarding her thoughts. "I can't even imagine what she'd do if she did..."
"I'm not an expert," Sunny said with a helpless smile, "but I've heard relationships are supposed to be built on trust and safety." Jessica pushed her hands down her pockets, her too now staring at the ground. She was overwhelmed with relief over how calmly they were talking, that neither of them were crying or screaming yet. "Will you be able to feel safe with her from now on?"
And Jessica knew what Sunny was doing, that she was trying to win her over again, win her back, stop her from leaving her, but she couldn't help but be pulled along with her scheme. "It's not about-"
"No," Sunny cut her off. "I just told you the truth, that I’m in love with you, and all I ask for is that you do the same, okay?"
Jessica braced herself, feeling like she couldn't breathe under the other girl's strong eyes. She nodded. "I... am terrified," she admitted, voice quivering. "Not just of Yuri leaving me, but of my friends finding out that I hurt her." Tears welled up in her eyes, and she forced them back. "They'd never look at me the same again. And I've lied so much, to everyone, that I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. Not Tiffany, not Yoona, not Yuri, no one." Sunny took another step closer at the sight of her teary eyes, her face worried and her hand coming to rest on Jessica's elbow. "Do you understand why we can't keep doing this?" Jessica asked. "They'd hate me if I hurt her. All of them would. Tiffany knowing is bad enough, and she said she'd tell Yuri if I didn't end it with you." The words fell out of her, and she felt like she wouldn't have been able to stop them even if she would have wanted to.
"You're scared because you don't think anyone would accept your decision," Sunny said, hands sliding up deliciously over Jessica's arms towards her shoulders, spreading warmth in all directions of her body. "And you think that if Yuri found out the truth about you, she wouldn't love you anymore." Jessica nodded, not doing anything to push Sunny away, even as she moved in closer. "Jessica..." the younger whispered, letting her hands fall from Jessica's shoulders down to her waist as she embraced her. "No matter what happens, I will always want you," she whispered into her ear. "I know everything you've done, and there is nothing you could ever do to make me want to leave you. I would do anything... to be with you." Jessica buried her face in Sunny's shoulder and let her tears spill out, just for a short moment. Sunny's words were so relieving, so safe, because it was everything she wanted in that moment. Someone who knew about the horrible things she had done and still loved her unconditionally. Still, the memory of Yuri saying the same thing, there's nothing I wouldn't do to make this work, shook her head and filled her with anxiety.
"I'm in love with you," Sunny repeated. Jessica pulled back from the embrace slightly. "I know what I said about needing you to break up with Yuri, but I was just being greedy. If you don't feel ready, then fuck it," she breathed against Jessica's neck. "I want you to be happy, and I want to be with you." Her lips touched Jessica's skin in a featherlike kiss, so soft and sweet that Jessica almost couldn't feel it, and suddenly her knees felt weak for a whole other reason. "So if you have any kind of feelings left for me..." Sunny continued, "Stay with me. Please."
"But the girls..." Jessica whispered.
"They only have to know what we tell them," Sunny said, pulling back. "It's between us. You and me." The look in her eyes was certain, almost devilishly so, and Jessica knew she shouldn't get pulled in, should have broken up with her over the phone, but she could feel her resistance crumbling and her repressed love for Sunny bloom in her heart once again. "I'll stay with you for however long it takes to get out of this mess, and I'll be there for you when you come out on the other side. Okay?"
It was there, right in Sunny's embrace, that Jessica felt it again; the feeling of safety, the one she had longed for, the one she had missed since the night of her first kiss with Sunny, and she gave in, knowing that maybe she was just getting herself into even bigger trouble by allowing herself to feel so much for the other, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Not after the words she had said, not after the way she made Jessica feel. "I want you..." Jessica whispered, "But I want Yuri, too." Sunny nodded, but her gaze didn't waver. "You just... have to understand that I'm very confused right now."
"Then let me prove to you that I love you more than she does," Sunny said, and that was enough. Jessica's lips found Sunny's, and she kissed her like she would never kiss anyone ever again, forgotten want, lust and longing overflowing in every part of her body, her hands finding Sunny's neck and pulling her impossibly close.
She knew she should be horrified about her own lack of self-control and morals, but it seemed things never worked out the way she wanted them to, especially not her own feelings. This was just one time in a row of many, and for just one moment, she wanted to believe in Sunny's promises and feelings of safety.
"See me after school," Sunny panted between kisses. "Come to my place, and I'll prove it to you. I promise."
Yoona tried her best to focus on her math, she really did. For at least four and half seconds. Then all thoughts of numbers exploded and scattered out of her ears, because how could she focus on math when Seohyun was at the opposite end of the table? After a few minutes, she sneaked a look at the other girl without raising her head, only to catch her mirroring her actions. They both looked away instantly, jerking back a little, before looking at each other openly, laughing when they didn't know what else to do.
"I'm already sensing this is going to be a problem," Seohyun laughed.
"I think you're right," Yoona agreed, closing her book.
Seohyun copied her actions. "If you have something to say, you should just say it."
"As if you don't?" Yoona said, raising an eyebrow. The younger tried to feign ignorance for a few seconds before a smile broke out on her face, and she nodded in defeat. "You go first."
Seohyun inhaled slowly, staring down at the table with a hesitant look on her face. "I... I just wanted to ask... about the funeral."
Yoona forced herself not to feel too much. "What about the funeral?"
Seohyun shrugged. "How was it?"
"Well, you know, funerals," Yoona replied, smiling bitterly. "They're never much fun."
Seohyun nodded. "Was it awful?"
"More or less." Yoona squeezed the pen in her hand. "The worst part was seeing his mother."
Seohyun stared at her through widened eyes. "Was she angry?"
"With me? No," Yoona replied. "Actually, she wasn't mad at anybody. I told her I would do anything, if there's ever anything I could do for her... Which of course, there isn't. She was... too nice to me. Way nicer than I deserved. Even when I told her about what had happened." They looked at each other, and for the first time Yoona wondered why Seohyun couldn't forgive her if Mrs. Lee could.
"Thank God," Seohyun mumbled. "Imagine if she would have blamed you for it."
"No, thank you," Yoona said, laughing unhappily. "I've imagined that too much already."
They fell silent, Seohyun nodding a little, making no attempts to avoid Yoona's eyes. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you after the funeral," she said then, and with the way her voice shrunk, Yoona believed in her sincerity. "I wanted to call you, but... I was scared I would make things more difficult for you."
Yoona frowned and leaned back in her chair. "Right."
"What are you thinking?" Seohyun asked. "What were you going to tell me?"
Yoona shook her head, trying to sort out her thoughts. "I don't know. I just find it weird when you decide what's best for me." Seohyun looked surprised at that, and Yoona did her best to skip right past the guilt. "Although, at the same time I don't know what I would have felt if you had called me that day. So maybe you're right." She shrugged, feeling endlessly tired and confused.
"It's not about me deciding what's best for you," Seohyun tried, but Yoona cut her off.
"Some of the time, it is. And I think it's usually about what you feel about things... Whether or not you feel like you can deal with them. You assume I feel the same as you about it, but I don't." She paused, waiting to see if the younger would be offended by her words, but her face showed nothing. "I missed you, Seohyun. I felt like I needed you, and I still do. I still miss you." Not wanting her emotions to get the better of her, she looked down, speaking the words in a flat voice, as if she felt nothing. Before the other girl had a chance to reply, she continued: "Before Sungmin died, I felt so pressured and so scared, but now I'd give anything to feel like that again. I felt like I knew you, understood you, like I had you pegged. You made me feel safe." The sad look she received from Seohyun made her ache. "Now I'm not so sure anymore."
"Maybe we did rush into this too quickly," Seohyun said, looking away.
"It's not that I don't like you as much as I thought," Yoona hurried to clarify. "Not at all. It's just that I found out about this side of you that I had no idea existed, and I don't know how to deal with it, really."
"Of course," Seohyun said, looking a little relieved. "That's bound to happen when you get to know each other. But since we've talked about why I did what I did-"
"I still don't understand," Yoona interrupted.
Seohyun stared blankly at her. "I've explained it to you-"
"So explain it again." Yoona knew she was being rude and impossible, but she didn't care. All she wanted was to understand. Sighing heavily, Seohyun tapped her fingers and long nails on the table. "The girls keep telling me about your morals and the way you work... but it doesn't make it any easier for me to understand."
"Listen, Yoona," Seohyun said surprisingly calmly. "I feel... so much for you. And I've missed you, too. I've missed you so much, and I want us to get back on track, to talk about other things, things that aren't filled with tragedy-"
"I can't talk about everyday things with you when we have this big cloud over our heads," Yoona cut in.
"I know. That's why we need to talk this out first." Yoona let her eyes trace Seohyun's long hair, and she remembered getting her fingers tousled in it. Taking a deep breath, she let the feeling of longing take her over. "I just needed something that could make all of this seem okay again, something that could-"
"But how is that ever going to happen?" Yoona demanded, a bit too loudly for the library. "Where could you ever find that?"
"I did," Seohyun said quietly.
Yoona stared at her. "You did?" Seohyun nodded. "What?"
"I... I went to talk to Sungmin."
Yoona raised an eyebrow. "You did what?"
"I went to Sungmin's grave to talk to him," the younger said, calm but resolute. "Maybe it sounds stupid to you, but it eased my mind."
"It doesn't sound stupid," Yoona said, shaking her head. She would be lying if she said she hadn't considered it herself; she just hadn't found the strength yet. "What did you say to him?"
Seohyun avoided Yoona's eyes. "I... explained."
"Explained what?"
The look in the other girl's eyes told Yoona that about to cross a line. "That I don't want to hurt you anymore."
Yoona tilted her head, pushing further. "So you're here now because you feel guilty?"
Seohyun snorted. "I'm here now because I think I'm in love with you." Her eyes were steady and her voice was firm, and Yoona could feel the fear in her stomach slowly be eaten by the ever growing butterflies. "I wanted to find a way to fix things, but Sungmin is gone, and I had to realize that. By going to his grave, I thought I was making one last attempt to set things right, but really it was my way of accepting that some things can't be fixed."
Yoona nodded. She let go of the pen in her hand, reaching over the table to take Seohyun's hand in hers. The skin was cold, but her fingers curled up against Yoona's immediately. "Okay," Yoona breathed.
"Is that enough?" Seohyun said, her eyes suspiciously glassy. "Do you understand now?"
Squeezing her hand, Yoona nodded. "I think so."
"I want it all to be over and done with," Seohyun said, eyes now brimming with tears. "For once, I don't want to take responsibility for what has happened."
"You can't," Yoona said. Her heart ached for the younger girl. "I've been trying to tell you, what's done is done. We can't keep hanging on to it."
Seohyun nodded, pursing her lips and swallowing heavily, biting back the tears. "I know that now. And I wanted to call you and tell you so much, but this is the first time I feel this way, I didn't know what to do." She smiled apologetically at Yoona, blinking furiously. "I just want to find my way back to you."
Yoona smiled, a relief she hadn't experienced until that moment filling her. "To tell the truth, there's nothing I want more than to go back to what we were before," she said, her thumb stroking Seohyun's wrist. "But... things are different now. And to be honest, I don't know if I fully trust you the way I did before."
Seohyun's fingers clutched at her hand, as if trying to pull her back, stop her trust from disappearing. "Which is why we need to start talking again. Start seeing each other again."
Yoona nodded, surrendering to her need to be close to the other girl. "Do you want to do something today after school?" she asked, glancing at the clock and realizing with a start that they were in fact still in school, with lots of people surrounding them that may be listening in on their conversation. The world came rushing back and she shook her head a couple of times, trying to ease back into it.
"Dance practice again," Seohyun said with a stiff smile. "You could come along again... if you want," she added hesitantly. "Finish what we started last time."
"Yes," Yoona said without a moment's hesitation. "I'll be there. Let me just text my mother."
Seohyun smiled at her when she withdrew her hand, the first genuine smile she had seen on her face for a long time. "I hope you can trust me again," she said. Yoona glanced at her while retrieving her cellphone.
"Me too."
"Okay. Call me when you get home, yeah? I need details."
Taeyeon fiddled with Tiffany's car door absent-mindedly, listening with one ear as the other ended what seemed to be a very enthusiastic phone call. Tiffany's phone had gone off when they were almost back home after school, and as Tiffany had insisted that she needed to take the call, she had pulled over by the side of the road before picking up.
"Alright. Bye for now."
The younger hung up, moving her long, black hair over her shoulder as she glanced down on her phone. "Big news?" Taeyeon asked, taking the opportunity to admire Tiffany's side profile. After weeks of living together, she had stopped freaking out whenever the other girl would catch her staring; she never seemed to jump to any conclusions over it.
Tiffany looked up at her with an apologetic smile. "Yeah, sorry about that. It was Seohyun."
"Oh?" Taeyeon said as Tiffany started up the engine again.
"It seems like she and Yoona are making progress. Yoona is coming with her to ballet practice, and Seohyun is freaking out about it, because she's not sure if she can handle it."
Taeyeon nodded, staring out the window as the car started moving again. There seemed to be rain in the air again. "But she's starting to see the light, right? About the whole Sungmin thing, I mean?" she said, looking over to her left, where Tiffany faced her with a shrug.
"I don't know. I mean, she's started the thought process, but feelings... They're hard to control."
Taeyeon slumped back against the car seat when Tiffany drove them up the last hill leading to Tiffany's house. "Tell me about it," she muttered, earning her a quick, questioning glance from the other girl. She ignored it, in awe of her own recklessness. The awe quickly transformed into fear when she realized what was happening: Taeyeon was becoming so calm, she was becoming bored. She wanted something to happen, wanted to stir things up, and that, more than anything, is dangerous. Who knew what kind of ideas she would get?
"You alright?" Tiffany asked, giving Taeyeon a few worried looks while at the same time trying to keep her eyes on the road.
"Yeah," Taeyeon breathed in reply, staring out the window again. "I just... I don't know. Everything that's happened... It's making me confused." She took a deep breath, tried to break through and disperse her thoughts before she said too much, but they remained like a fog in her head.
"Confused about what?" Tiffany asked, keeping her eyes on the road as they passed the last street to their home. It both frustrated and relieved Taeyeon.
"I don't know," Taeyeon repeated. "I don't think it's a conversation we should be having right now. Did Seohyun seem okay?" she asked, hurrying to change the subject. Something uncomfortable seemed to be pulsating behind her ribcage.
Tiffany kept silent for a few seconds while she made the last turn and the car slowly rolled into their driveway. "Yeah," she said then, "she seemed excited and freaked out at the same time, but mostly good."
Not until the engine died down and everything became silent did Taeyeon realize how off Tiffany seemed, how her usual warmth seemed closed off, how her eyes didn't seem to sparkle the way they normally did. She hesitated for a second before opening the car door. "That's good," she said, pushing the door open, but remaining seated when she realized Tiffany wasn't moving.
"Yeah," Tiffany nodded, staring straight ahead, through the window, towards the front door of the house. "I think, given time, they might work it out."
Taeyeon nodded. The way Tiffany didn't seem to want to look at her made her scared, sure she had done something wrong, and she scolded herself because it was high time she stopped being so insecure, but the sinking feeling in her stomach remained. "Are you okay?" she asked eventually, dreading the answer.
Tiffany looked at her then. She didn't smile, but neither did she look particularly sad. "Like you, I'm unsure," she said after a beat, traces of a fake smile gracing her features.
Taeyeon shifted in her seat. Never, not once, had Tiffany opened up to her about any of her own problems; in fact, a lot of the time it seemed like she had none. Taeyeon knew better, of course, but she had never wanted to ask. "Do you... want to talk about it?" she offered, stopping her hands from awkwardly scratching at her neck. "I'm not very good with the advice, as you know, but sometimes it helps just to get it out."
Tiffany smiled, looking down at her lap. "I wish you'd give yourself more credit, Taeyeon," she said, and Taeyeon shuddered as a cold wind brushed in through the open door. "But yeah, I think... I think I'd like that." She gave Taeyeon a searching glance, and the other felt helpless, like if Tiffany didn't know the answer to a problem, then there probably wasn't one. "Do you want to go for a walk?"
Smiling fondly, Taeyeon stared out the window, up at the grey clouds. "What is it with you and walks whenever you want to talk to someone?" she said softly.
Tiffany gave a half laugh. "I just, sometimes it's easier to talk to someone if you don't have to constantly look them in the face. You know, so you don't feel so pressured by their eyes on you."
"I suppose you're right," Taeyeon replied. "It's cold today, though."
Looking past Taeyeon and out the window, Tiffany nodded slowly. "Then how about we go for a drive?" she asked. "Would you mind?"
"Not at all," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. Without another word, Tiffany started the engine again and backed them out of the driveway. Taeyeon felt stiff and numb where she was sitting.
She relaxed when they'd driven down the hill and were heading out of the town. Tiffany hadn't said anything since they drove off, and Taeyeon was debating with herself on whether or not she should ask, just say something, anything that might get the conversation flowing. Because not only was she scared that Tiffany might be upset with her, but that void look in Tiffany's eyes, the lack of life in her made Taeyeon's heart ache. She didn't think she had anything in way of words to offer the younger girl, but if there was anything she could do to help, she would.
So, she took a deep breath and turned towards Tiffany in her seat. "What's wrong, Tiffany?"
Instead of looking back at her, Tiffany checked the rear view mirror, seemingly surprised by her words. "Nothing is wrong. I mean, it's nothing to worry about." She kept her eyes locked on the road ahead. "I'm just... I'm feeling weird about a lot of things right now."
Taeyeon felt her heartbeat speed up. "Like?"
Silence fell as Tiffany transported them into less populated areas. When an entire minute of nothingness had passed, Taeyeon decided to take Tiffany's unresponsiveness as a rejection, and she looked out through the window, preparing to stay quiet for the rest of the drive when Tiffany spoke again. "There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she said solemnly. "And... I just feel like I know a lot more about you than you do about me, and that's unfair."
"Alright," Taeyeon said hesitantly.
"And, well," Tiffany continued with a slight shrug, "a lot of those things will be hard for me to tell you, and there are reasons for that. Reasons that I want to tell you... but that, in itself, will be hard."
Taeyeon frowned. "You can tell me anything," she stuttered. "With all you've done to help me over the past months, I practically owe you my life."
Tiffany smiled at that, but shook her head to dismiss her words. "How do you feel about everything that's happened, Taeyeon?" she asked then, to Taeyeon's surprise. "I just realized we haven't really talked much about what happened with your mother since we visited her."
"I'm alright," Taeyeon said, shaking her head. "I know this would have happened sooner or later, since she can't accept me, so it's for the best if we..." She fell silent, looking around in confusion as she suddenly recognized the scene in front of them. "Are we going to the beach?"
Tiffany gave a short laugh. "It was the only place I could think of." Taeyeon felt her heart shake as she remembered the beach night; how long ago it seemed now, and how much it had meant to her back then, and how her life had changed since that night. Something shifted inside her, her emotions seemed closer to the surface, and she swallowed heavily. "But go on, what were you going to say?"
"I... haven't a clue," she said with a laugh, looking away, not liking the way tears suddenly felt close. "Weren't you going to tell me what's bothering you anyway?"
Tiffany shrugged again, and Taeyeon felt suddenly like they were both trying to run away from thinking of or dealing with their problems. "I'd like to, but it's difficult," Tiffany said, and her tone was too dismissive now, so Taeyeon stayed quiet in her seat, watching the trees pass by the window in a blur. The curiosity that sparked in her stomach was almost painful, and kept on being so until Tiffany pulled over by the side of the road.
Part 2