Line 49 (Chapter 28)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,262
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
Chapter 27: "That's the most important thing, right? Happiness?"
A/N: !!! [FLASHING RED LIGHTS] Major trigger warning on this chapter, you guys. I am not one for sugarcoating things and this is something that I really needed to write. I'm going to put a bunch of these ***** things before and after the part that you might not want to read if you're sensitive to... violence and things like that, and give you a short recap at the end if you don't want to read it. Pick the safe over the unsafe and don't read that part if you think it might trigger something ;;
- 30 -
Hyoyeon wished she'd never met Siwon. She wished she'd never met Hankyung or Heechul or Shindong, wished that instead of jumping on bus 49 that day she would have jumped out in front of it and let it kill her. What was the point in trying to stand back up if she was just going to fall down again?
The sun was on its way down, and Hyoyeon thanked whatever higher power that controlled the weather; it had been an unbearably warm day, and the incoming breezes and growing shadows was a relief to every inch of her body. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten properly, and it had been at least two days since she last had any clean water to drink. Her head was spinning. Her body was aching and quivering with every move she made. And with every step she stumbled down a street that had become much too familiar by now, she had to fight off overwhelming nausea, because she didn't have anything left inside to throw up.
She dragged herself past shops and windows she had come to know and hate, past tourists that scrambled away from her dirty appearance in pity and fear, kept on going because she knew she wouldn't be able to stay awake for much longer, and if she didn't get help, maybe this would be the end. And though she looked around for someone to grab when her voice failed her, the strangers passing her jumped out of the way, none of them too willing to lend her a hand. And Hyoyeon couldn't blame them, really; she must really have looked insane.
She reached the end on a bench outside a mildly populated dance club. It had just opened for the night, and Hyoyeon had sat outside it many times before, listening to the pulsating beat of the music when she didn't have anyone else. Drunken men weren’t necessarily her favorite thing in the world, but this club was still something of a safe haven for her.
Life was flashing in and out of focus before her eyes, and she sunk back against the wooden backrest, not moving even though it hurt, because at least it reminded her that she was awake. Her eyes didn't want to stay open any longer, but kept fluttering close, and Hyoyeon finally accepted it - she was going to die. And even though thoughts normally swirled around her head in a crazy circus, she found she had nothing to say to herself to feel better. Sooyoung would never find out what had happened - perhaps her dad would, and she didn't know if either of them would care anymore.
She closed her eyes. Her limbs ached and seemed to scream in agony as her body tried to take energy from her already emptied muscles, and she wished it would be quick, that death would hurry up and come and spare her from any more suffering.
"Hey," came a voice, and Hyoyeon didn't respond. She barely knew how to anymore. "Hey, are you alright?" Someone's hands found her shoulders, pulled her up and straightened her back. Hyoyeon shook her head.
"No. Water," she wheezed. "Drink... please."
She shouldn't be asking whoever this person was for water - she should be lying down and waiting for the end, not trying to escape it yet again, but the pain was too much. She couldn't take it. Anything that put her out of her misery, be it death or salvation, was welcomed.
Her eyes opened, and before her stood a man somewhere around his forties, with stubbles and glasses and a black t-shirt sporting a band she had never heard of. "All I have is this," the man said, holding up a bottle that was blurry to Hyoyeon's eyes. "It's-"
"Don't care," Hyoyeon interrupted breathily. "Need it." She reached out towards the bottle, and the man observed her for a few hesitant seconds before finally handing it over. Hyoyeon raised the glass bottle to her lips with shaking arms, and the liquid burned and stung as it flowed down her throat. It added an extra layer to the pain, but at least it was something, so she kept drinking, and when she had emptied the bottle of half of its contents, she had to stop. She'd heard of it before: if you go without food for long enough, your body will reject it when it finally comes. The need to vomit was overwhelming.
"Better?" the man asked, and Hyoyeon sank back on the bench again. She couldn't reply. Her eyes closed against her wishes; she didn't feel safe sitting there unprotected with this unknown man looking at her.
"What's going on here?" came another voice, female this time. Hyoyeon felt someone's hands on her thighs, then a finger under her chin, tilting her head up to get a better look at her. "Are you alright?"
Hyoyeon did her best to shake her head, but the best she could produce was an uncommitted tilt of her head. "I just found her here like this, it seems like she hasn't had anything to eat or drink in a long time," the man said. Suddenly the newcomer's arms wrapped around Hyoyeon's shoulders and head, enveloping her in warmth.
"Hey, can you hear me?" Hyoyeon nodded against the girl's throat. "I'm Luna. What's your name?"
Hyoyeon didn't try to open her mouth this time. She just exhaled, feeling the last of her powers leaving her body. "Poor girl, she looks like she's half fainted already," a third voice said, and this voice seemed to belong to an older woman.
"Mom, do you have any cola left?" Luna asked, and Hyoyeon's mouth fell open at the mention of the beverage.
"I should," the woman replied. Hyoyeon felt sleep tug at her mind, because this girl's embrace felt safe. She felt protected. She let herself fall into unconsciousness, but was soon shaken back to reality.
"Hey," Luna called, arms now behind Hyoyeon's back. "Can you sit up? I have some cola for you. Can you drink it?" Hyoyeon didn't reply, but let herself hang in Luna's arms with her mouth open, waiting and praying for them to just pour it in. Luna seemed to get the hint, and tilted Hyoyeon's head up. "Are you ready?" she asked, and Hyoyeon grunted.
The bubbles scratched at her throat, but she swallowed it all, putting her complete trust in Luna, even though she couldn't even feel the taste enough to be sure that what she was drinking was actually cola. Sleep waited to claim her once more, and she choked, coughed, spluttered, Luna brought the bottle away and held Hyoyeon's convulsing body close to hers. "You'll be okay," she mumbled into Hyoyeon's hair. "You'll be okay." She turned to her mother and the man, who was still standing beside the bench. "She needs a hospital."
A hospital. Somewhere she could definitely be helped. But what would happen when Hyoyeon wouldn't tell them her name? She doubted her father had called the police to make them look for her, but Sooyoung was surely stupid enough to do something like that, wasn't she?
"My friend is coming to pick me up right now with his car, we'll take her there," the man said.
"Would you do that?" came Luna's grateful reply. "My mother and I don't live here, you see. We're staying at a hotel, and we don't have a car, so..."
"Of course. I mean, sure, my friend and I had plans, but she needs help, so..."
Hyoyeon was falling asleep again. She gathered that the man and his friend were going to take her to the hospital, where she was getting help, and apparently not dying just yet. She wasn't sure how she felt about this plan, but she resigned, having no energy to fight back anymore. Perhaps she would die before they had reached the hospital, and if that happened, it would probably be for the best.
"Thank you," Luna's somewhat distorted voice replied. "Please, go quickly."
"We'll hurry, I promise."
"Go!"
Hyoyeon was picked up and thrown over the man's shoulders. She lost consciousness while they walked somewhere, probably towards the place where they were going to meet up with this friend, but she still had time to realize that something about the way colors were exploding on the insides of her eyelids was wrong. Was this part of losing consciousness, or had she been drugged?
*****************************
She woke up next time to hands inside her shirt. When her eyes opened, the first thing she saw was the beige ceiling of a car, and rapid movements as the world flashed by the windows. Her numb head managed to register that they were not in the city anymore; trees and forest passed the window at a nauseating speed, and she realized with a horrifying weight of fear in her stomach that she didn't know how long they'd been on the road for.
The hands inside her shirt were none too gentle, touching, stroking and squeezing per their own wishes, and Hyoyeon jerked away, pushing and tugging at the hands that were violating her.
"Oh, she's awake," said the owner of the hands, a man she had never seen before. "Didn't you say you gave her the drink?"
"I did, but she only drank half of it," another, more familiar voice replied from the driver's seat. The man from earlier. Hyoyeon snapped her head to the side and saw the back of his head above the seat, and she realized she was in a van, not in the back, but lying down on the middle seats, with an unknown man on his knees, bent over her. "Don't worry, from what I saw she won't put up much of a fight."
She looked back to the man above her, and realization struck her heart with a devastating bang. No, was all she could think; there was no way she could fight off two male adults in this state, after all this time, it was simply not possible. Had she really survived all the way until now only to end up this way? Hands found her body again, this time starting out on her hips and working their way up her stomach, up to her chest, and Hyoyeon yelped, pushing his hands away with shaking arms. The man's expression hardened, and he took a firm grip of both her hands, hovering over her and pressing himself in between her legs, and she was thankful she was still dressed in her worn-out, dirty jeans.
"Lie still," the man grunted. "It won't hurt as much if you do what I say." Hyoyeon scrambled to get out of the man's grip, terrified out of her mind, images of her father appearing in her head for reasons she didn't want to think about, and a hoarse, uncontainable scream made it past her lips. The man let her hands go and started working on the button on her jeans, and Hyoyeon could feel her mind set ablaze with panic. She kicked, punched and scratched with her dirty nails, even though her muscles screamed and begged with her to stop.
"I said lie still," the man repeated, and as he lowered himself on her, Hyoyeon's hand found his face, dug her nails into the skin of his cheeks and scratched with all her might, feeling the skin split beneath her fingers with a solid ripping sound that made Hyoyeon's toes curl in disgust. The man screamed, and Hyoyeon saw in triumphant delight how blood instantly flowed up from the wound.
"What?!" the other man called from the front.
"The bitch scratched me!"
"Jesus," the driver said, letting the car make a slight turn as he looked over his shoulder. "Just hold her in place until we get there, and then I'll help you hold her down."
"I'm fucking bleeding," the man above Hyoyeon mumbled, ignoring the other man's words. The back of his knuckles hit Hyoyeon with deadly accuracy right across the cheek, and Hyoyeon whined as hard, cold pain spread through her face, into her head, like cold water all through her body, and she knew this was it, she was done for, there was no escaping it now, and she wanted to think of Sooyoung, wanted something to make the whole process easier for herself, but there was nothing, nothing but the cold hard truth that this man was going to have his way with her, and she probably wouldn't see tomorrow after his hands left her body.
Another punch hit her face from the other side, and stars danced in front of her eyes. The man eased himself closer while Hyoyeon's head spun, and when his hands found her shoulders to hold her down, she managed to reach his wrist with her mouth, and her teeth closed around his arm, biting down with all the might her aching gums could muster. The man screamed again and swore profusely, and the car cringed again as the driver tried to see what was happening. Hyoyeon opened her mouth again and the man straightened his back, holding his bruised wrist, and Hyoyeon thought no, I'd rather starve to death than let anyone treat me like their property ever again, and her feet found the man's chest.
She steadied her position before he even realized what was happening. With the very last of her remaining powers, she pushed him back with her legs, sending him flying across the car where his head hit the window with an earth-shattering crack, and Hyoyeon held her breath, hoping the impact would be enough to set him off for a while.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" the man in the front seat yelled, and Hyoyeon watched as the other man sunk down from the window, down from the seat and onto the floor, leaving a long, horrific blood-stain on the window. With her heart pounding out of her chest, she got up on her knees, trying to co-ordinate her quivering hands towards the car door, because she'd happily die when she hit the ground rather than meet her fate this way. Grabbing the handle, she looked back one last time only to see the man lie on the floor without moving, his eyes closed and still, and though she couldn't tell if he was breathing or not, she hoped that she had killed him.
She pulled on the door handle once, twice, three times, and then the door swung open, and she barely needed to push herself forwards to be sucked out into the cool night air. She tumbled down onto the asphalt, her arm hitting the ground first, the bone snapping instantly at the contact, and by the time she had rolled down into the ditch on the side of the road, she had already lost consciousness. She didn't feel the rain that poured, or the cold puddle of water that awaited her in the bottom of the ditch. Neither did she hear the motor sounds from the van growing distant as it disappeared down the road, deciding she wasn't worth the trouble.
Night had fallen.
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- 31 -
She felt odd, strangely guilty and misplaced as she walked alone over the wet, green grass. She had to remind herself over and over that she wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary; that is, nothing this place hadn't seen before. It wasn't something she had ever done before, but if someone saw her there they probably wouldn't bat an eyelash.
She searched her surroundings carefully as she passed tombstone after tombstone, reading names she'd never heard of people she'd never met. The idea that she'd find Sungmin's gravestone among all the others at the cemetery was almost stupid, but she didn't care. She didn't know where it was, but she would find it eventually. She had all day.
It took her no more than twenty-five minutes of wandering between the rows before she found it. She stopped in front of it, at first not knowing whether to trust her own eyes, but the solid golden letters that spelled out "Lee Sungmin" in front of her weren't lying. It was there, he was there, and she suddenly felt at a loss of what to do, what to say, though she had been planning this visit in her head ever since... it had happened. Before her legs had a chance to give way beneath her, she sunk down, placing a fresh bouquet of flowers among the dead ones, probably left there since the funeral.
The sky above her was grey, and she had known before she sat down that the ground would be wet. It didn't matter, even as the cold remains of the rain pressed through her jeans. None of those small things really mattered anymore.
"Hi," she said softly, absent-mindedly stroking the grass she was sitting on. "It's me. Seohyun." She paused, as if waiting for a reply. "I know you're most likely sick of seeing my face... hearing my name." Pain welled up, but she smiled through it. "You must be so annoyed right now, like even when you die, you can't get rid of me." She waited, somehow, somewhere deep down hoping for a laugh from somewhere, but there was nothing. Not even the wind was there with her that day; everything was silent.
"It isn't really that funny, I suppose," she sighed. "You'll have to excuse me. I'm not in my right mind." Gathering her courage, she prepared to hold her tears back. "I'm here because... I want to explain myself. And I want to make a few things clear, even if I can't be sure if you can hear me, or if you are at all up for listening to me. I'm just going to talk either way, okay?"
She stared down at the golden letters, feeling like the silence was driving her mad. It had been silent for much too long, when she didn't have Yoona to speak to, and yet she had been too scared to break it herself. It was time now. "That night..." she tried, already feeling the words fail her. "That night when you... gave up... We weren't trying to ignore you. We were trying to ignore the things that made Yoona miserable, but never you. Do you understand what I mean?
"And yes, sometimes you made Yoona miserable. But it wasn't your fault. It was just too much for one person alone to carry, which, I understand, is why you needed her to lean on. But she alone could never have helped you, and you understand that now, don't you?" The tears were close, but still far away. She wasn't one to cry easily, but since Sungmin died, and most importantly since she broke up with Yoona, that seemed to have changed. "I've spent every day since that night feeling... unbearably guilty," she breathed, "and maybe I deserve to. I am part of the reason why it seemed like Yoona was ignoring you." She curled her legs beneath her, realizing she was probably going to be there for a while. "But I've also... I have also realized something else recently. And that is that you had a choice, because no matter how intense feelings become, you always have a choice... I never forced you to do anything. I never tied that noose around your neck and..."
She broke off, unable to finish the sentence. "What I'm trying to say is that... I don't know if you blame me, or Yoona, or both of us, for what happened, and now I suppose I will never know. I blamed myself, and I still do, a little bit, but not as much as I blame the people that bullied you. And, mostly, not as much as I blame you."
For some reason unbearably scared to be misunderstood, she hurried on: "It's not your fault that you were bullied, and it's not your fault that you felt like you couldn't take any more. But the decision was yours. You chose to end it, not me. I would never have guessed that you would take it that far, and neither would Yoona.
"The point is," she continued, trying to collect her thoughts as she realized the words were spilling over her lips out of her control. "I don't know if you think I'm a bad person. But I've come to realize that it doesn't matter, because I don't think I am. My intentions were never to make you suffer, but to make Yoona happy. And I'm not doing too well with that at the moment, and I don't know when I will be able to again. And, if my suspicions are correct, you'd want the same, right? For Yoona to be happy?
"I've been staying away from her for your sake," she said, and now the tears seemed closer, but she also felt stronger. "I've stayed away from her because I didn't know how you felt about us, but I have to realize that I will never know. You're gone. There's no way for you to tell us what you want." She had to stop and take a deep breath as the words seemed too final, too definitive and irrevocable, but there was no point in trying to take them back anymore. "I still see Yoona as innocent, even if she blames herself, tortures herself beyond imagination. From now on, I'm going to do my best to get back to that place where I can make her happy, because... the two of us, you and me, Sungmin, we're making her suffer together now. And I don't want Yoona to face the same fate you did."
She sat up on her knees, leaning forward to adjust the flowers, if only to take her thoughts off the pressure in her mind. "Again, it's not because I want you to suffer. Just like that night, it's not about you. It's about Yoona. And I'm sorry we forgot about you, I'm sorry we couldn't give you the support that you needed, I'm sorry the world treated you so awfully, and I'm sorry this misunderstanding happened and had such dire consequences. I wish you could come back, I really do. I know we never knew each other, but... it would make Yoona happy again. Truly."
It felt like she could suddenly breathe again. Now that she had apologized, even if no one could hear it, the constant guilt wasn't just a physical presence in her heart anymore, but it had been breathed out, breathed out in words that couldn't change anything, but at least they weren't stuck inside of her any longer. "I guess... this doesn't change anything. But at least now I have explained myself, so you know my mind even if I will never know yours." She considered getting up, but remained where she was sitting. "I'm sorry."
And she sat there, despite having run out of words, pointlessly waiting for a reply of some sort. She knew it would never come, but it would soothe her heart if she knew that Sungmin was out there somewhere, hearing her, understanding her, forgiving her. And while she waited, she hoped that she could find the way back to Yoona's heart.
The day passed in a blur, one in which Sunny couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. It was probably the last day she'd be able to see even a tiny part of Jessica as her own, because come tomorrow Jessica would leave her, and Sunny wouldn't have any way to stop it. What did she have to offer her that Yuri didn't? How could she possibly compare to someone who had loved Jessica inside out for four years?
Though the time leading up to their first kiss had been turbulent and confusing, they had started out like a beautiful dream; their love was so intoxicating, and simply too good to be true.
Maybe that went for every kind of love, Sunny thought. It was always too good to be true, too romanticized and biased, and in love stories the moments when you simply have nothing to say, when there's nothing to do, becomes forgotten.
She reached for her cellphone, which had been silently lying beside her on the bed; she hadn't had the strength to call anyone of her friends, and to be honest she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to any of them. The anger welled up when she thought about the way they had spoken to her, all of them, once they had found about her affair with Jessica. They only wanted what was best for her, of course, but they didn't seem to understand what that really meant. Sunny needed Jessica, she felt like an alcoholic who was forced away from her poison, and the hurt that it brought with it wasn't just centered on her heart, but all of her body.
She had put the number to Line 49 on speed dial, because Jinjeong was the only one who truly took pity on her, the only one who really saw her for what she was feeling, and not what she was doing wrong.
"Line 49, this is Jinjeong."
Sunny started crying again at the sound of the voice. It was such a relief, knowing that Jinjeong was there this time. "Hi," she said, her voice thick. "It's Sunkyu."
"Sunkyu?" Jinjeong replied. "Are you crying?"
Sunny exhaled, feeling too heavy to keep her eyes open anymore. "A little bit, maybe."
"What happened? What's wrong?"
And Sunny had to laugh at that. "So much, I don't even know where to start."
Jinjeong's warm voice soothed her. "Start from wherever you feel strong enough to tell me."
"In that case I might as well just go to sleep," Sunny mumbled. "How much do you remember?"
Jinjeong hummed for a bit, and Sunny realized she wasn't nervous about the other girl's reaction to her confession. Last time they talked, Sunny and Jessica had only met up in secret a couple of times, and in all honesty that didn't feel as such a big crime anymore, not after everything else that had happened. "I remember that you like someone who's taken, and that the two of you kissed," Jinjeong said at last. "Is that why you're sad? Did you two have a fight?"
"You could say that," Sunny breathed, throwing caution to the wind, spilling everything. "She's the only one I want. I... I love her."
Jinjeong paused. "But?"
Dried tears under the fresh ones made her cheeks feel numb as she forced herself to smile. "Somehow she made me trust her. We slept together, and she told me she would leave her girlfriend for me. She even went over to her house to do it, but I guess she changed her mind, and then she ignored me for weeks, and..."
"Wait, wait, slow down," Jinjeong interrupted with a small laugh. "I can't keep up." Sunny took a deep, quivering breath. "Did you say you slept together?"
"Yes," Sunny replied without fear. "We... we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I loved that about us." Her entire body hurt at the memory.
"Understandably," Jinjeong said. "And she told you she'd break up with her girlfriend for you?"
"Yes," Sunny repeated. She'd thought of the story so many times it had ceased to make sense in her head, in a way that made it hard to explain it to Jinjeong now that she tried. "She told me she'd do it for weeks, and then finally she said she'd do it and went over to her girlfriend's house."
"But she changed her mind?"
"Yes."
"How did she explain it to you?" Jinjeong asked, sympathy now clear in her voice. "Did she tell you why she changed her mind?"
Sunny shook her head, drying her tears on the pillowcase. "She didn't say a single word to me. She ignored me for weeks... until today. I don't know why, her girlfriend must have convinced her somehow..."
"Until today?" Jinjeong repeated. "What happened today?"
"She called me," Sunny said. The tears poured heavier again. "We're meeting up tomorrow."
"Isn't that a good sign?" Jinjeong said, carefully but with an underlying tone of hopefulness. "I mean, the whole thing sounds very complicated to me and I stand by what I said about getting involved with someone who's taken, but for your sake... isn't it good that she wants to see you again?"
"No," Sunny said, trying to keep the desperation out of her voice, but failing miserably. "She's only doing it so she can break up with me. She didn't want to do it over the phone."
"Oh..." Jinjeong replied, realization dawning on her. Sunny found it harder than ever to breathe, and for a moment fear sparkled in her heart when she couldn't keep herself from hyperventilating. "Sunkyu, I'm really sorry."
"I feel so stupid," Sunny choked out, letting out the thoughts she hadn't had the strength to voice to anyone else.
"No, Sunkyu, don't-"
"Last time we talked, you told me not to get my hopes up," she continued, not wanting to hear what she should and shouldn't say. Not now. "You said I should end it, for my own sake. You must be rolling your eyes at me now, for calling you up to cry because I didn't do what you told me..."
"Sunkyu, no," Jinjeong said, sounding both sympathetic and a little offended. "Even though I said those things, I didn't know this was going to happen. That's the thing about feelings - they're uncontrollable and unpredictable."
"Well, you're right about that," Sunny said through clenched teeth, wanting to scream, wanting to tear her whole apartment down and let the world know how much she was hurting, but her voice came out in a mumbled whisper.
"And I don't think you're stupid," Jinjeong continued, momentarily calming the storm in Sunny's heart. "I think you're in love. And a lot of the time, that means not listening to what our head tells us."
Sunny cried silently for a bit, wanting to reply, but not getting any words out. She was grateful, as always, to Jinjeong for keeping her composure, for always being so reliable, for never judging her no matter what, and perhaps she should have expressed that, but everything she wanted to say clogged up her throat.
"What are you going to do?" Jinjeong asked eventually. "Tomorrow?"
Sunny shook her head again. "I don't know. Anything I can to make her stay, but... I don't know what that is." She took another breath, one that trembled and shook in her throat, and then she said the words that made her feel like she was about to explode. "I feel so angry... at everything, all the time. At the girl I like, at her girlfriend, at my friends, at all of them for telling me that I should let her go. That what I'm doing is wrong. All I'm trying to do is be happy." She felt stronger, more secure after saying the words, even before Jinjeong had had a chance to reply.
"They might just be saying it for your sake, Sunkyu," Jinjeong said slowly. "To try to keep you from getting hurt. I don't think anyone minds you trying to be happy, but that you could potentially step in the way of other people's happiness on the way."
"Right," Sunny said, turning over on her bed. "And why is it so much better that I torture myself by letting the one person I've ever loved go?"
There was a pause, and Sunny thought with a sense of victory in her heart that finally, finally she had made someone see her point of view. Jinjeong took a deep breath then, obviously trying to step carefully. "I don't know. It's not that people want you to torture yourself. It's about sacrifice, if not for her girlfriend, then for the girl you like. Because it seems like she made her choice when she got into a relationship with her girlfriend, and... Again, I don't know, but people tend to think there are some rules you should respect. Unwritten ones."
Sunny snorted. "Well, they haven't thought it through. It's stupid."
"Think of it this way," Jinjeong replied, patient as always. "If you and the girl you like were in a relationship, and someone else came in and started trying to take her from you, how would you feel?"
Sunny froze. And then she sighed. She should have known Jinjeong would always have another perspective, one she hadn't thought of yet, even though she tried so hard to see every situation for what it was. "Not good," she admitted. "But the simplest solution seems to be to chase them down and kill them."
Jinjeong laughed, though somewhat awkwardly. "That was a joke, right?" she asked then, and a small smile fought its way on to Sunny's lips.
"I'm not too sure," she said numbly, "but don't worry. Seems like I won't get into a relationship anytime soon."
"It's not one hundred percent over yet, is it?" Jinjeong asked, pulling at the last part of Sunny that still wanted to hope for something, for Jessica. "You still have tomorrow."
"I do," Sunny said, feeling the hope rising again, and forcing it down. Disappointment hurt too much. "But I feel... I feel like I've lost. And besides, the ones of my friends that have found out about me and Jessica... they've not taken it well. I don't know if we could be in a relationship without losing half our friends at this stage, honestly."
The tears had almost stopped flowing, and she felt a lot lighter than she had before the call, like the hurt was still there, but had been pushed away for the time being. Maybe it would lie dormant until tomorrow, and Sunny would be allowed one last night of peace before true hell would begin.
"... The girl you like's name is Jessica?"
Sunny came back to their conversation with a start. "Oh, well, yes," she hurried, "you can just forget I said that. But... yeah, it is."
"Oh," Jinjeong replied. "And... and your friends, what were you saying about them? They've found out about you two?"
"Yes, most of them," Sunny said. "Some of them made it seem like they were going to flay me alive, actually."
Jinjeong hummed again. "Then I understand why you're so angry... if none of them have offered you any support."
"There hasn't been a lot of that going around, no," Sunny said, glancing at the clock and realizing how close she felt to insanity. She supposed that love alone wasn't enough to drive a person crazy - or at least she hoped not - but she had no idea how to get out of these feelings alive. "I should probably sleep," she said gloomily. "Big day tomorrow, and all..."
"Right," Jinjeong replied.
"I feel a little better, though," Sunny continued. "I always do after talking to you."
"I'm glad to hear it, Sunkyu."
Sunny rubbed her eyes. "So yeah... Thanks for letting me vent, as always. Thanks for listening to all my crazy thoughts."
Jinjeong gave a short laugh. "You aren't crazy as you think you are."
Sunny smiled stiffly at that. "Well, that sure is a relief." A pause, and then she continued: "I'll probably call you tomorrow, if that's okay. I promise to try not to cry too much."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be here tomorrow."
"Oh," Sunny said, instantly feeling a little more scared about the coming day. "So another day, then?"
"Of course."
"Night, Jinjeong."
"Night, Sunkyu."
Yuri ended the call with a sinking feeling in her stomach and a mental sigh of relief. So that was why she recognized the voice so much. That was why she had had that feeling of already knowing Sunny from before they had met, and that was why she had felt so inclined to make friends with her even from the first time they had met, even though they hadn't had a chance.
And most of all, that was why Jessica had done such a sudden turn and wanted to leave her. She had found someone else, cheated on her, kissed someone, slept with someone, and it had all happened right under Yuri's own unsuspecting nose.
She got up from her chair; Sunkyu's... Sunny's call had been her last call of the night, and now the world felt surreal. How can a day come to a close like this? No tears welled up in her eyes. They seemed to have frozen somewhere in another part of her body, some place she couldn't reach. How long had this been going on for? How long had Jessica deceived her and lied to her, make her think the reason why their relationship was on the rocks was because of Yuri herself?
The answer came to her, of course, from Sunny. She had called 49 months ago after her and Jessica's first kiss (Yuri lost her breath at the thought), and told her everything. So Jessica had let her torture herself for all this time, and all along Yuri had been blind to the truth?
Though all the questions of when, how, why, how could she kept spinning around in her head fast enough to make her dizzy, another question rose among them and stood out from the rest. What was she going to do?
She didn't know. But she knew one thing: first, she had to be sure.
A/N2: Bam bam baaaaaaaaaam.
Okay, so for those of you who skipped the triggering part, here's the deal (and the rest of you can skip a bit further down cause I still have some things to tell you): The man that gave Hyoyeon the drink drugged her and tried to sexually abuse her. Hyoyeon then kicked some ass but ended up abandoned and unconscious in a ditch with a broken arm. So yeah, fun for the whole family... (!)
Next, I have to say that sadly... I have posted everything I've written. Yes. I feel terrible about it. xD But really, this marks the start of the 'climax' of the whole fic, which means the end is near! Out of the pages of notes I wrote for this fic before I started writing it, I'm now on page 7 out of 8½, so... But the pressuring thing is that I'm currently very, very sick, and school is being a complete hell right now, so I'm afraid I don't know when exactly I'll be able to write and post the next chapter... but once I get started, the rest should follow pretty quickly, because that's what usually happens. Have no worries, though, I have not written 400 pages just to abandone this thing, nuh-uh, no way. I've been seeing a lot of people abandoning their taeny fics after the whole khunfany thing but I'm definitely not doing that. Also, school's out just next month, so worst-case scenario is I won't be back until the end of May, but I think I should be able to work something out before then.
So, yeah... until next time, I guess? ;; I hope you won't be too upset with me. D;
Chapter 29: "Everything that's happened... It's making me confused."
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,262
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
Chapter 27: "That's the most important thing, right? Happiness?"
A/N: !!! [FLASHING RED LIGHTS] Major trigger warning on this chapter, you guys. I am not one for sugarcoating things and this is something that I really needed to write. I'm going to put a bunch of these ***** things before and after the part that you might not want to read if you're sensitive to... violence and things like that, and give you a short recap at the end if you don't want to read it. Pick the safe over the unsafe and don't read that part if you think it might trigger something ;;
- 30 -
Hyoyeon wished she'd never met Siwon. She wished she'd never met Hankyung or Heechul or Shindong, wished that instead of jumping on bus 49 that day she would have jumped out in front of it and let it kill her. What was the point in trying to stand back up if she was just going to fall down again?
The sun was on its way down, and Hyoyeon thanked whatever higher power that controlled the weather; it had been an unbearably warm day, and the incoming breezes and growing shadows was a relief to every inch of her body. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten properly, and it had been at least two days since she last had any clean water to drink. Her head was spinning. Her body was aching and quivering with every move she made. And with every step she stumbled down a street that had become much too familiar by now, she had to fight off overwhelming nausea, because she didn't have anything left inside to throw up.
She dragged herself past shops and windows she had come to know and hate, past tourists that scrambled away from her dirty appearance in pity and fear, kept on going because she knew she wouldn't be able to stay awake for much longer, and if she didn't get help, maybe this would be the end. And though she looked around for someone to grab when her voice failed her, the strangers passing her jumped out of the way, none of them too willing to lend her a hand. And Hyoyeon couldn't blame them, really; she must really have looked insane.
She reached the end on a bench outside a mildly populated dance club. It had just opened for the night, and Hyoyeon had sat outside it many times before, listening to the pulsating beat of the music when she didn't have anyone else. Drunken men weren’t necessarily her favorite thing in the world, but this club was still something of a safe haven for her.
Life was flashing in and out of focus before her eyes, and she sunk back against the wooden backrest, not moving even though it hurt, because at least it reminded her that she was awake. Her eyes didn't want to stay open any longer, but kept fluttering close, and Hyoyeon finally accepted it - she was going to die. And even though thoughts normally swirled around her head in a crazy circus, she found she had nothing to say to herself to feel better. Sooyoung would never find out what had happened - perhaps her dad would, and she didn't know if either of them would care anymore.
She closed her eyes. Her limbs ached and seemed to scream in agony as her body tried to take energy from her already emptied muscles, and she wished it would be quick, that death would hurry up and come and spare her from any more suffering.
"Hey," came a voice, and Hyoyeon didn't respond. She barely knew how to anymore. "Hey, are you alright?" Someone's hands found her shoulders, pulled her up and straightened her back. Hyoyeon shook her head.
"No. Water," she wheezed. "Drink... please."
She shouldn't be asking whoever this person was for water - she should be lying down and waiting for the end, not trying to escape it yet again, but the pain was too much. She couldn't take it. Anything that put her out of her misery, be it death or salvation, was welcomed.
Her eyes opened, and before her stood a man somewhere around his forties, with stubbles and glasses and a black t-shirt sporting a band she had never heard of. "All I have is this," the man said, holding up a bottle that was blurry to Hyoyeon's eyes. "It's-"
"Don't care," Hyoyeon interrupted breathily. "Need it." She reached out towards the bottle, and the man observed her for a few hesitant seconds before finally handing it over. Hyoyeon raised the glass bottle to her lips with shaking arms, and the liquid burned and stung as it flowed down her throat. It added an extra layer to the pain, but at least it was something, so she kept drinking, and when she had emptied the bottle of half of its contents, she had to stop. She'd heard of it before: if you go without food for long enough, your body will reject it when it finally comes. The need to vomit was overwhelming.
"Better?" the man asked, and Hyoyeon sank back on the bench again. She couldn't reply. Her eyes closed against her wishes; she didn't feel safe sitting there unprotected with this unknown man looking at her.
"What's going on here?" came another voice, female this time. Hyoyeon felt someone's hands on her thighs, then a finger under her chin, tilting her head up to get a better look at her. "Are you alright?"
Hyoyeon did her best to shake her head, but the best she could produce was an uncommitted tilt of her head. "I just found her here like this, it seems like she hasn't had anything to eat or drink in a long time," the man said. Suddenly the newcomer's arms wrapped around Hyoyeon's shoulders and head, enveloping her in warmth.
"Hey, can you hear me?" Hyoyeon nodded against the girl's throat. "I'm Luna. What's your name?"
Hyoyeon didn't try to open her mouth this time. She just exhaled, feeling the last of her powers leaving her body. "Poor girl, she looks like she's half fainted already," a third voice said, and this voice seemed to belong to an older woman.
"Mom, do you have any cola left?" Luna asked, and Hyoyeon's mouth fell open at the mention of the beverage.
"I should," the woman replied. Hyoyeon felt sleep tug at her mind, because this girl's embrace felt safe. She felt protected. She let herself fall into unconsciousness, but was soon shaken back to reality.
"Hey," Luna called, arms now behind Hyoyeon's back. "Can you sit up? I have some cola for you. Can you drink it?" Hyoyeon didn't reply, but let herself hang in Luna's arms with her mouth open, waiting and praying for them to just pour it in. Luna seemed to get the hint, and tilted Hyoyeon's head up. "Are you ready?" she asked, and Hyoyeon grunted.
The bubbles scratched at her throat, but she swallowed it all, putting her complete trust in Luna, even though she couldn't even feel the taste enough to be sure that what she was drinking was actually cola. Sleep waited to claim her once more, and she choked, coughed, spluttered, Luna brought the bottle away and held Hyoyeon's convulsing body close to hers. "You'll be okay," she mumbled into Hyoyeon's hair. "You'll be okay." She turned to her mother and the man, who was still standing beside the bench. "She needs a hospital."
A hospital. Somewhere she could definitely be helped. But what would happen when Hyoyeon wouldn't tell them her name? She doubted her father had called the police to make them look for her, but Sooyoung was surely stupid enough to do something like that, wasn't she?
"My friend is coming to pick me up right now with his car, we'll take her there," the man said.
"Would you do that?" came Luna's grateful reply. "My mother and I don't live here, you see. We're staying at a hotel, and we don't have a car, so..."
"Of course. I mean, sure, my friend and I had plans, but she needs help, so..."
Hyoyeon was falling asleep again. She gathered that the man and his friend were going to take her to the hospital, where she was getting help, and apparently not dying just yet. She wasn't sure how she felt about this plan, but she resigned, having no energy to fight back anymore. Perhaps she would die before they had reached the hospital, and if that happened, it would probably be for the best.
"Thank you," Luna's somewhat distorted voice replied. "Please, go quickly."
"We'll hurry, I promise."
"Go!"
Hyoyeon was picked up and thrown over the man's shoulders. She lost consciousness while they walked somewhere, probably towards the place where they were going to meet up with this friend, but she still had time to realize that something about the way colors were exploding on the insides of her eyelids was wrong. Was this part of losing consciousness, or had she been drugged?
*****************************
She woke up next time to hands inside her shirt. When her eyes opened, the first thing she saw was the beige ceiling of a car, and rapid movements as the world flashed by the windows. Her numb head managed to register that they were not in the city anymore; trees and forest passed the window at a nauseating speed, and she realized with a horrifying weight of fear in her stomach that she didn't know how long they'd been on the road for.
The hands inside her shirt were none too gentle, touching, stroking and squeezing per their own wishes, and Hyoyeon jerked away, pushing and tugging at the hands that were violating her.
"Oh, she's awake," said the owner of the hands, a man she had never seen before. "Didn't you say you gave her the drink?"
"I did, but she only drank half of it," another, more familiar voice replied from the driver's seat. The man from earlier. Hyoyeon snapped her head to the side and saw the back of his head above the seat, and she realized she was in a van, not in the back, but lying down on the middle seats, with an unknown man on his knees, bent over her. "Don't worry, from what I saw she won't put up much of a fight."
She looked back to the man above her, and realization struck her heart with a devastating bang. No, was all she could think; there was no way she could fight off two male adults in this state, after all this time, it was simply not possible. Had she really survived all the way until now only to end up this way? Hands found her body again, this time starting out on her hips and working their way up her stomach, up to her chest, and Hyoyeon yelped, pushing his hands away with shaking arms. The man's expression hardened, and he took a firm grip of both her hands, hovering over her and pressing himself in between her legs, and she was thankful she was still dressed in her worn-out, dirty jeans.
"Lie still," the man grunted. "It won't hurt as much if you do what I say." Hyoyeon scrambled to get out of the man's grip, terrified out of her mind, images of her father appearing in her head for reasons she didn't want to think about, and a hoarse, uncontainable scream made it past her lips. The man let her hands go and started working on the button on her jeans, and Hyoyeon could feel her mind set ablaze with panic. She kicked, punched and scratched with her dirty nails, even though her muscles screamed and begged with her to stop.
"I said lie still," the man repeated, and as he lowered himself on her, Hyoyeon's hand found his face, dug her nails into the skin of his cheeks and scratched with all her might, feeling the skin split beneath her fingers with a solid ripping sound that made Hyoyeon's toes curl in disgust. The man screamed, and Hyoyeon saw in triumphant delight how blood instantly flowed up from the wound.
"What?!" the other man called from the front.
"The bitch scratched me!"
"Jesus," the driver said, letting the car make a slight turn as he looked over his shoulder. "Just hold her in place until we get there, and then I'll help you hold her down."
"I'm fucking bleeding," the man above Hyoyeon mumbled, ignoring the other man's words. The back of his knuckles hit Hyoyeon with deadly accuracy right across the cheek, and Hyoyeon whined as hard, cold pain spread through her face, into her head, like cold water all through her body, and she knew this was it, she was done for, there was no escaping it now, and she wanted to think of Sooyoung, wanted something to make the whole process easier for herself, but there was nothing, nothing but the cold hard truth that this man was going to have his way with her, and she probably wouldn't see tomorrow after his hands left her body.
Another punch hit her face from the other side, and stars danced in front of her eyes. The man eased himself closer while Hyoyeon's head spun, and when his hands found her shoulders to hold her down, she managed to reach his wrist with her mouth, and her teeth closed around his arm, biting down with all the might her aching gums could muster. The man screamed again and swore profusely, and the car cringed again as the driver tried to see what was happening. Hyoyeon opened her mouth again and the man straightened his back, holding his bruised wrist, and Hyoyeon thought no, I'd rather starve to death than let anyone treat me like their property ever again, and her feet found the man's chest.
She steadied her position before he even realized what was happening. With the very last of her remaining powers, she pushed him back with her legs, sending him flying across the car where his head hit the window with an earth-shattering crack, and Hyoyeon held her breath, hoping the impact would be enough to set him off for a while.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" the man in the front seat yelled, and Hyoyeon watched as the other man sunk down from the window, down from the seat and onto the floor, leaving a long, horrific blood-stain on the window. With her heart pounding out of her chest, she got up on her knees, trying to co-ordinate her quivering hands towards the car door, because she'd happily die when she hit the ground rather than meet her fate this way. Grabbing the handle, she looked back one last time only to see the man lie on the floor without moving, his eyes closed and still, and though she couldn't tell if he was breathing or not, she hoped that she had killed him.
She pulled on the door handle once, twice, three times, and then the door swung open, and she barely needed to push herself forwards to be sucked out into the cool night air. She tumbled down onto the asphalt, her arm hitting the ground first, the bone snapping instantly at the contact, and by the time she had rolled down into the ditch on the side of the road, she had already lost consciousness. She didn't feel the rain that poured, or the cold puddle of water that awaited her in the bottom of the ditch. Neither did she hear the motor sounds from the van growing distant as it disappeared down the road, deciding she wasn't worth the trouble.
Night had fallen.
*****************************
- 31 -
She felt odd, strangely guilty and misplaced as she walked alone over the wet, green grass. She had to remind herself over and over that she wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary; that is, nothing this place hadn't seen before. It wasn't something she had ever done before, but if someone saw her there they probably wouldn't bat an eyelash.
She searched her surroundings carefully as she passed tombstone after tombstone, reading names she'd never heard of people she'd never met. The idea that she'd find Sungmin's gravestone among all the others at the cemetery was almost stupid, but she didn't care. She didn't know where it was, but she would find it eventually. She had all day.
It took her no more than twenty-five minutes of wandering between the rows before she found it. She stopped in front of it, at first not knowing whether to trust her own eyes, but the solid golden letters that spelled out "Lee Sungmin" in front of her weren't lying. It was there, he was there, and she suddenly felt at a loss of what to do, what to say, though she had been planning this visit in her head ever since... it had happened. Before her legs had a chance to give way beneath her, she sunk down, placing a fresh bouquet of flowers among the dead ones, probably left there since the funeral.
The sky above her was grey, and she had known before she sat down that the ground would be wet. It didn't matter, even as the cold remains of the rain pressed through her jeans. None of those small things really mattered anymore.
"Hi," she said softly, absent-mindedly stroking the grass she was sitting on. "It's me. Seohyun." She paused, as if waiting for a reply. "I know you're most likely sick of seeing my face... hearing my name." Pain welled up, but she smiled through it. "You must be so annoyed right now, like even when you die, you can't get rid of me." She waited, somehow, somewhere deep down hoping for a laugh from somewhere, but there was nothing. Not even the wind was there with her that day; everything was silent.
"It isn't really that funny, I suppose," she sighed. "You'll have to excuse me. I'm not in my right mind." Gathering her courage, she prepared to hold her tears back. "I'm here because... I want to explain myself. And I want to make a few things clear, even if I can't be sure if you can hear me, or if you are at all up for listening to me. I'm just going to talk either way, okay?"
She stared down at the golden letters, feeling like the silence was driving her mad. It had been silent for much too long, when she didn't have Yoona to speak to, and yet she had been too scared to break it herself. It was time now. "That night..." she tried, already feeling the words fail her. "That night when you... gave up... We weren't trying to ignore you. We were trying to ignore the things that made Yoona miserable, but never you. Do you understand what I mean?
"And yes, sometimes you made Yoona miserable. But it wasn't your fault. It was just too much for one person alone to carry, which, I understand, is why you needed her to lean on. But she alone could never have helped you, and you understand that now, don't you?" The tears were close, but still far away. She wasn't one to cry easily, but since Sungmin died, and most importantly since she broke up with Yoona, that seemed to have changed. "I've spent every day since that night feeling... unbearably guilty," she breathed, "and maybe I deserve to. I am part of the reason why it seemed like Yoona was ignoring you." She curled her legs beneath her, realizing she was probably going to be there for a while. "But I've also... I have also realized something else recently. And that is that you had a choice, because no matter how intense feelings become, you always have a choice... I never forced you to do anything. I never tied that noose around your neck and..."
She broke off, unable to finish the sentence. "What I'm trying to say is that... I don't know if you blame me, or Yoona, or both of us, for what happened, and now I suppose I will never know. I blamed myself, and I still do, a little bit, but not as much as I blame the people that bullied you. And, mostly, not as much as I blame you."
For some reason unbearably scared to be misunderstood, she hurried on: "It's not your fault that you were bullied, and it's not your fault that you felt like you couldn't take any more. But the decision was yours. You chose to end it, not me. I would never have guessed that you would take it that far, and neither would Yoona.
"The point is," she continued, trying to collect her thoughts as she realized the words were spilling over her lips out of her control. "I don't know if you think I'm a bad person. But I've come to realize that it doesn't matter, because I don't think I am. My intentions were never to make you suffer, but to make Yoona happy. And I'm not doing too well with that at the moment, and I don't know when I will be able to again. And, if my suspicions are correct, you'd want the same, right? For Yoona to be happy?
"I've been staying away from her for your sake," she said, and now the tears seemed closer, but she also felt stronger. "I've stayed away from her because I didn't know how you felt about us, but I have to realize that I will never know. You're gone. There's no way for you to tell us what you want." She had to stop and take a deep breath as the words seemed too final, too definitive and irrevocable, but there was no point in trying to take them back anymore. "I still see Yoona as innocent, even if she blames herself, tortures herself beyond imagination. From now on, I'm going to do my best to get back to that place where I can make her happy, because... the two of us, you and me, Sungmin, we're making her suffer together now. And I don't want Yoona to face the same fate you did."
She sat up on her knees, leaning forward to adjust the flowers, if only to take her thoughts off the pressure in her mind. "Again, it's not because I want you to suffer. Just like that night, it's not about you. It's about Yoona. And I'm sorry we forgot about you, I'm sorry we couldn't give you the support that you needed, I'm sorry the world treated you so awfully, and I'm sorry this misunderstanding happened and had such dire consequences. I wish you could come back, I really do. I know we never knew each other, but... it would make Yoona happy again. Truly."
It felt like she could suddenly breathe again. Now that she had apologized, even if no one could hear it, the constant guilt wasn't just a physical presence in her heart anymore, but it had been breathed out, breathed out in words that couldn't change anything, but at least they weren't stuck inside of her any longer. "I guess... this doesn't change anything. But at least now I have explained myself, so you know my mind even if I will never know yours." She considered getting up, but remained where she was sitting. "I'm sorry."
And she sat there, despite having run out of words, pointlessly waiting for a reply of some sort. She knew it would never come, but it would soothe her heart if she knew that Sungmin was out there somewhere, hearing her, understanding her, forgiving her. And while she waited, she hoped that she could find the way back to Yoona's heart.
The day passed in a blur, one in which Sunny couldn't find the strength to get out of bed. It was probably the last day she'd be able to see even a tiny part of Jessica as her own, because come tomorrow Jessica would leave her, and Sunny wouldn't have any way to stop it. What did she have to offer her that Yuri didn't? How could she possibly compare to someone who had loved Jessica inside out for four years?
Though the time leading up to their first kiss had been turbulent and confusing, they had started out like a beautiful dream; their love was so intoxicating, and simply too good to be true.
Maybe that went for every kind of love, Sunny thought. It was always too good to be true, too romanticized and biased, and in love stories the moments when you simply have nothing to say, when there's nothing to do, becomes forgotten.
She reached for her cellphone, which had been silently lying beside her on the bed; she hadn't had the strength to call anyone of her friends, and to be honest she wasn't sure she wanted to talk to any of them. The anger welled up when she thought about the way they had spoken to her, all of them, once they had found about her affair with Jessica. They only wanted what was best for her, of course, but they didn't seem to understand what that really meant. Sunny needed Jessica, she felt like an alcoholic who was forced away from her poison, and the hurt that it brought with it wasn't just centered on her heart, but all of her body.
She had put the number to Line 49 on speed dial, because Jinjeong was the only one who truly took pity on her, the only one who really saw her for what she was feeling, and not what she was doing wrong.
"Line 49, this is Jinjeong."
Sunny started crying again at the sound of the voice. It was such a relief, knowing that Jinjeong was there this time. "Hi," she said, her voice thick. "It's Sunkyu."
"Sunkyu?" Jinjeong replied. "Are you crying?"
Sunny exhaled, feeling too heavy to keep her eyes open anymore. "A little bit, maybe."
"What happened? What's wrong?"
And Sunny had to laugh at that. "So much, I don't even know where to start."
Jinjeong's warm voice soothed her. "Start from wherever you feel strong enough to tell me."
"In that case I might as well just go to sleep," Sunny mumbled. "How much do you remember?"
Jinjeong hummed for a bit, and Sunny realized she wasn't nervous about the other girl's reaction to her confession. Last time they talked, Sunny and Jessica had only met up in secret a couple of times, and in all honesty that didn't feel as such a big crime anymore, not after everything else that had happened. "I remember that you like someone who's taken, and that the two of you kissed," Jinjeong said at last. "Is that why you're sad? Did you two have a fight?"
"You could say that," Sunny breathed, throwing caution to the wind, spilling everything. "She's the only one I want. I... I love her."
Jinjeong paused. "But?"
Dried tears under the fresh ones made her cheeks feel numb as she forced herself to smile. "Somehow she made me trust her. We slept together, and she told me she would leave her girlfriend for me. She even went over to her house to do it, but I guess she changed her mind, and then she ignored me for weeks, and..."
"Wait, wait, slow down," Jinjeong interrupted with a small laugh. "I can't keep up." Sunny took a deep, quivering breath. "Did you say you slept together?"
"Yes," Sunny replied without fear. "We... we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I loved that about us." Her entire body hurt at the memory.
"Understandably," Jinjeong said. "And she told you she'd break up with her girlfriend for you?"
"Yes," Sunny repeated. She'd thought of the story so many times it had ceased to make sense in her head, in a way that made it hard to explain it to Jinjeong now that she tried. "She told me she'd do it for weeks, and then finally she said she'd do it and went over to her girlfriend's house."
"But she changed her mind?"
"Yes."
"How did she explain it to you?" Jinjeong asked, sympathy now clear in her voice. "Did she tell you why she changed her mind?"
Sunny shook her head, drying her tears on the pillowcase. "She didn't say a single word to me. She ignored me for weeks... until today. I don't know why, her girlfriend must have convinced her somehow..."
"Until today?" Jinjeong repeated. "What happened today?"
"She called me," Sunny said. The tears poured heavier again. "We're meeting up tomorrow."
"Isn't that a good sign?" Jinjeong said, carefully but with an underlying tone of hopefulness. "I mean, the whole thing sounds very complicated to me and I stand by what I said about getting involved with someone who's taken, but for your sake... isn't it good that she wants to see you again?"
"No," Sunny said, trying to keep the desperation out of her voice, but failing miserably. "She's only doing it so she can break up with me. She didn't want to do it over the phone."
"Oh..." Jinjeong replied, realization dawning on her. Sunny found it harder than ever to breathe, and for a moment fear sparkled in her heart when she couldn't keep herself from hyperventilating. "Sunkyu, I'm really sorry."
"I feel so stupid," Sunny choked out, letting out the thoughts she hadn't had the strength to voice to anyone else.
"No, Sunkyu, don't-"
"Last time we talked, you told me not to get my hopes up," she continued, not wanting to hear what she should and shouldn't say. Not now. "You said I should end it, for my own sake. You must be rolling your eyes at me now, for calling you up to cry because I didn't do what you told me..."
"Sunkyu, no," Jinjeong said, sounding both sympathetic and a little offended. "Even though I said those things, I didn't know this was going to happen. That's the thing about feelings - they're uncontrollable and unpredictable."
"Well, you're right about that," Sunny said through clenched teeth, wanting to scream, wanting to tear her whole apartment down and let the world know how much she was hurting, but her voice came out in a mumbled whisper.
"And I don't think you're stupid," Jinjeong continued, momentarily calming the storm in Sunny's heart. "I think you're in love. And a lot of the time, that means not listening to what our head tells us."
Sunny cried silently for a bit, wanting to reply, but not getting any words out. She was grateful, as always, to Jinjeong for keeping her composure, for always being so reliable, for never judging her no matter what, and perhaps she should have expressed that, but everything she wanted to say clogged up her throat.
"What are you going to do?" Jinjeong asked eventually. "Tomorrow?"
Sunny shook her head again. "I don't know. Anything I can to make her stay, but... I don't know what that is." She took another breath, one that trembled and shook in her throat, and then she said the words that made her feel like she was about to explode. "I feel so angry... at everything, all the time. At the girl I like, at her girlfriend, at my friends, at all of them for telling me that I should let her go. That what I'm doing is wrong. All I'm trying to do is be happy." She felt stronger, more secure after saying the words, even before Jinjeong had had a chance to reply.
"They might just be saying it for your sake, Sunkyu," Jinjeong said slowly. "To try to keep you from getting hurt. I don't think anyone minds you trying to be happy, but that you could potentially step in the way of other people's happiness on the way."
"Right," Sunny said, turning over on her bed. "And why is it so much better that I torture myself by letting the one person I've ever loved go?"
There was a pause, and Sunny thought with a sense of victory in her heart that finally, finally she had made someone see her point of view. Jinjeong took a deep breath then, obviously trying to step carefully. "I don't know. It's not that people want you to torture yourself. It's about sacrifice, if not for her girlfriend, then for the girl you like. Because it seems like she made her choice when she got into a relationship with her girlfriend, and... Again, I don't know, but people tend to think there are some rules you should respect. Unwritten ones."
Sunny snorted. "Well, they haven't thought it through. It's stupid."
"Think of it this way," Jinjeong replied, patient as always. "If you and the girl you like were in a relationship, and someone else came in and started trying to take her from you, how would you feel?"
Sunny froze. And then she sighed. She should have known Jinjeong would always have another perspective, one she hadn't thought of yet, even though she tried so hard to see every situation for what it was. "Not good," she admitted. "But the simplest solution seems to be to chase them down and kill them."
Jinjeong laughed, though somewhat awkwardly. "That was a joke, right?" she asked then, and a small smile fought its way on to Sunny's lips.
"I'm not too sure," she said numbly, "but don't worry. Seems like I won't get into a relationship anytime soon."
"It's not one hundred percent over yet, is it?" Jinjeong asked, pulling at the last part of Sunny that still wanted to hope for something, for Jessica. "You still have tomorrow."
"I do," Sunny said, feeling the hope rising again, and forcing it down. Disappointment hurt too much. "But I feel... I feel like I've lost. And besides, the ones of my friends that have found out about me and Jessica... they've not taken it well. I don't know if we could be in a relationship without losing half our friends at this stage, honestly."
The tears had almost stopped flowing, and she felt a lot lighter than she had before the call, like the hurt was still there, but had been pushed away for the time being. Maybe it would lie dormant until tomorrow, and Sunny would be allowed one last night of peace before true hell would begin.
"... The girl you like's name is Jessica?"
Sunny came back to their conversation with a start. "Oh, well, yes," she hurried, "you can just forget I said that. But... yeah, it is."
"Oh," Jinjeong replied. "And... and your friends, what were you saying about them? They've found out about you two?"
"Yes, most of them," Sunny said. "Some of them made it seem like they were going to flay me alive, actually."
Jinjeong hummed again. "Then I understand why you're so angry... if none of them have offered you any support."
"There hasn't been a lot of that going around, no," Sunny said, glancing at the clock and realizing how close she felt to insanity. She supposed that love alone wasn't enough to drive a person crazy - or at least she hoped not - but she had no idea how to get out of these feelings alive. "I should probably sleep," she said gloomily. "Big day tomorrow, and all..."
"Right," Jinjeong replied.
"I feel a little better, though," Sunny continued. "I always do after talking to you."
"I'm glad to hear it, Sunkyu."
Sunny rubbed her eyes. "So yeah... Thanks for letting me vent, as always. Thanks for listening to all my crazy thoughts."
Jinjeong gave a short laugh. "You aren't crazy as you think you are."
Sunny smiled stiffly at that. "Well, that sure is a relief." A pause, and then she continued: "I'll probably call you tomorrow, if that's okay. I promise to try not to cry too much."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be here tomorrow."
"Oh," Sunny said, instantly feeling a little more scared about the coming day. "So another day, then?"
"Of course."
"Night, Jinjeong."
"Night, Sunkyu."
Yuri ended the call with a sinking feeling in her stomach and a mental sigh of relief. So that was why she recognized the voice so much. That was why she had had that feeling of already knowing Sunny from before they had met, and that was why she had felt so inclined to make friends with her even from the first time they had met, even though they hadn't had a chance.
And most of all, that was why Jessica had done such a sudden turn and wanted to leave her. She had found someone else, cheated on her, kissed someone, slept with someone, and it had all happened right under Yuri's own unsuspecting nose.
She got up from her chair; Sunkyu's... Sunny's call had been her last call of the night, and now the world felt surreal. How can a day come to a close like this? No tears welled up in her eyes. They seemed to have frozen somewhere in another part of her body, some place she couldn't reach. How long had this been going on for? How long had Jessica deceived her and lied to her, make her think the reason why their relationship was on the rocks was because of Yuri herself?
The answer came to her, of course, from Sunny. She had called 49 months ago after her and Jessica's first kiss (Yuri lost her breath at the thought), and told her everything. So Jessica had let her torture herself for all this time, and all along Yuri had been blind to the truth?
Though all the questions of when, how, why, how could she kept spinning around in her head fast enough to make her dizzy, another question rose among them and stood out from the rest. What was she going to do?
She didn't know. But she knew one thing: first, she had to be sure.
A/N2: Bam bam baaaaaaaaaam.
Okay, so for those of you who skipped the triggering part, here's the deal (and the rest of you can skip a bit further down cause I still have some things to tell you): The man that gave Hyoyeon the drink drugged her and tried to sexually abuse her. Hyoyeon then kicked some ass but ended up abandoned and unconscious in a ditch with a broken arm. So yeah, fun for the whole family... (!)
Next, I have to say that sadly... I have posted everything I've written. Yes. I feel terrible about it. xD But really, this marks the start of the 'climax' of the whole fic, which means the end is near! Out of the pages of notes I wrote for this fic before I started writing it, I'm now on page 7 out of 8½, so... But the pressuring thing is that I'm currently very, very sick, and school is being a complete hell right now, so I'm afraid I don't know when exactly I'll be able to write and post the next chapter... but once I get started, the rest should follow pretty quickly, because that's what usually happens. Have no worries, though, I have not written 400 pages just to abandone this thing, nuh-uh, no way. I've been seeing a lot of people abandoning their taeny fics after the whole khunfany thing but I'm definitely not doing that. Also, school's out just next month, so worst-case scenario is I won't be back until the end of May, but I think I should be able to work something out before then.
So, yeah... until next time, I guess? ;; I hope you won't be too upset with me. D;
Chapter 29: "Everything that's happened... It's making me confused."