Line 49 (Chapter 25)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,118
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
- 28 -
Seohyun didn't know why things could never turn out the way she wanted them to.
Even as she lay on her bed for the umpteenth night in a row, just staring up at the ceiling, she knew and remembered that life wasn't something particularly negative or difficult. No, she was happy. Most of the time.
But when it came to love, it seemed a bit different.
Love. If that was really what she felt. She pulled her fingers through her hair absent-mindedly, a desperate attempt to calm herself down a little, even though she didn't truly feel like she deserved it. Because that day, maybe no more than five hours earlier, Sungmin had been buried, and the loss was final. He was dead. He was gone. And Seohyun didn't need to talk to anybody else to know that she was at least part of that. And how could love, that almighty and overpowering force, be the cause of something like that? How could love take someone's life?
So maybe, she thought, turning over on her side, what she was feeling wasn't love. Maybe she was just confused after all. How many priests had she heard say throughout her life that homosexual love was wrong, a sin, something shameful and hurtful? How many times? And how many times had she rolled her eyes inwardly (but never outwardly) at the words, because how could love be something that caused people harm? That wasn't love in Seohyun's eyes. And her love for Yoona never harmed anyone, so how could-
Except, it had. Of course. An innocent boy paid with his life for Seohyun's own selfishness. Maybe she couldn't have known, but she could have at least considered his feelings. She hadn't. She'd been swept away by Yoona's charm, her beautiful smile, caring nature and awkward wit - but maybe, since all it had given any of them by now was hurt, maybe it still wasn't love.
But then she closed her eyes, seeing for her inner eye how Yoona always tried so hard, always did her best to make sure Seohyun was comfortable, how she brought out every issue that Seohyun wanted to keep to herself, and suddenly she was sure that it was love.
And God, did it hurt.
Tears welled up almost without her knowledge, and she ignored them as they seeped out and into the sheets beneath her. Seohyun wasn't one to cry often, simply because it didn't solve anything. Never made it better. All it left her with was this empty, hollow feeling that was neither constructive nor motivating - just dark and devastating.
But she really couldn't help it this time. Everything in her heart spoke of Yoona, call Yoona, remember Yoona, what would Yoona say right now? And everything in her head replied no, no, no! The mixture of wanting something so much and at the same time wanting to run to the opposite side of the country left her dizzy, disoriented, confused because this never happened - Seohyun so rarely let her emotions get in charge of her intellect. She prided herself on that.
But of course Yoona, the one person she seemed to love the most, was the one to ruin that.
Yoona had come into her life and turned it completely upside down, while Seohyun watched the hurricane rip through her life, trying to pretend she wasn't being blown off her feet. She didn't know if it was visible to the other girl, and she didn't know if she wanted it to be, but she had fallen head over heels for her, no hesitation, no questioning, no possibility of going back. Breaking up after the short time they'd had together was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do, but she was glad their time together had been short. Otherwise she wouldn't have been able to do it, she thought, and that just couldn't be.
She needed to pay for what she had done, needed to make it right. And that was the reason why she felt so stuck there in her bed, unable to get up and think about anything else until she had figured it out. The answer seemed stuck somewhere far beyond her reach. Sungmin was gone now, and he had left behind a mourning mother, family and crowd of friends, neither of which Seohyun dared approach or had anything to offer - so how could she possibly make it right?
She reached for the phone on her nightstand, because for the first time, thinking seemed to be too painful for her mind to bear. Because what if there was nothing she could do? What if she never figured something out? She'd be trapped in this feeling for a long time, maybe forever-and worst of all, as would Yoona.
Recipient: Sunny, Taeyeon, Tiffany, Sooyoung
Sender: Seohyun
I feel awful...
She lay back down on her back, placed her phone on her stomach and closed her eyes. Waiting for a distraction. Any kind of help.
Recipient: Seohyun
Sender: Sooyoung
if you come over, we can have a pity party
She smiled despite herself. No matter how often she bickered with Sooyoung, she loved her beyond comprehension.
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Sunny
♥♥♥ you know i'm here for you if you want to talk, right? ♥
Even the mention of Sunny's name brought her warmth, no matter what the occasion. But she thought about the question, and suddenly she felt a headache spring out of confusion; because even though she just sent the text, she didn't want to talk. She didn't think anyone of her friends would understand her train of thought, even less accept it. They'd be all too willing to tell her that she wasn't to blame for Sungmin's fate, but she couldn't have that. What if they managed to convince her at some point?
No, she decided; it couldn't be. She needed to pay for her mistakes and then she needed to win Yoona back - if the other girl would ever forgive her for leaving her so brutally - and how could she do that?
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Taeyeon
you know what i think, seobaby. you two should talk. ♥
"Taeyeon, I'm going over to Yuri's tonight."
Taeyeon was sitting in front of Tiffany's laptop by her desk, vaguely aware that the sun was setting outside the window. Just as well. It had been a rainy day. "Okay," she said, looking over to the door where Tiffany herself was standing.
"I'd ask you to come, but it didn't sound like a social call as much as it sounded like a 'let me cry into your arms' kind of call." Tiffany smiled apologetically at her, and Taeyeon looked away, as she always did whenever Tiffany smiled.
"It's alright," she said, because it was. "Is it about Jessica? I thought the two of them worked things out."
Tiffany nodded, though her face remained uncertain. "For now. I think Yuri's still worried that Jessica's gonna change her mind or something." Taeyeon nodded. "Anyway, I'll probably be home late, so don't wait up, okay?"
Taeyeon nodded again. But in truth, she probably would. Sleeping was always easier if Tiffany was around. "Alright."
"You can take the bed, too."
Taeyeon spun around and stared at the younger girl. "No, Tiffany," she protested, "I had it last night. It's yours tonight. I'll take the floor."
Tiffany shook her head. "Nuh-uh. If I find you on the floor when I get home, I'm going to carry you to the bed." She laughed, and Taeyeon fought her blush away at the mental images. "Have a good night, okay?"
Taeyeon nodded. "You too. Say hi to Yuri from me."
Tiffany walked out the door, leaving Taeyeon staring through the empty doorway. The usual emptiness that came with Tiffany's absence was just about to start rising in her when said girl leaned into the room again. "You'll be alright, no?" she asked, worried expression gracing her features.
Smirking, Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at her. "It'll be difficult, but I think I can survive without you just for one night, mom."
The younger gritted her teeth at her. "This girl..." she mumbled before walking away again, and the sound of footfalls down the stairs told Taeyeon that she was really leaving this time. She listened as the front door slammed, to the droning of the car starting and driving away, and then lastly to the silence that Tiffany left behind.
There was no sound of the rain against the window anymore. No wind. No television blaring. No Tiffany there to talk to her. No distractions.
And for the first time in Taeyeon's life, she kind of thought it was comfortable. Or at least could see how it could be.
She had learned how to relax around Tiffany, which was a great relief to her head. She didn't spend all her waking moments worrying that Tiffany would find out about her orientation like she had thought she would, and neither did their accidental touches or silences feel awkward anymore. And that was crazy enough in itself.
Sooyoung and Sunny had leant her enough clothes to get by, she'd settled into Tiffany's routines and daily life, and she rarely ever thought about her mother. She didn't miss her. She refused to miss her, refused to think about it at all. And with Tiffany around so much, it wasn't that hard.
The emptiness she had thought she felt after losing everything she had had soon turned into a relief. Because really, she thought, why should she mourn a life she had hated to begin with? She had hated living with her mother, hated the constant fear and anxiety, and yet she had feared losing it more than anything else. Why?
She scrolled through her Facebook feed for a few minutes without really reading the words, just seeing the rows of pointless text roll by and taking the relief it seemed to give her. And suddenly, her eyes caught the word "history" on Tiffany's browser - and she couldn't look away.
Oh, no, she thought - you're not going to go there. You are not going to look at Tiffany's internet history.
It was ridiculous, really - in this day and age, how could you find out more about somebody than by checking what web pages they went to? What they searched for on Google? And here she was, alone with Tiffany's computer the whole evening.
She stared at the word. It's not like she'd find anything out, not really, because Tiffany wasn't gay. That'd just be too silly. So even if Taeyeon would look, she wouldn't find anything gay related, nothing involving the letters LGBT, so really, what difference would it make?
She hovered over the word. Tiffany wouldn't find out. And what she wouldn't know also wouldn't hurt her, wasn't that true? And it's not like Taeyeon would judge her no matter what she saw, and maybe Tiffany cleared her history regularly anyway, and the only thing she'd find would be her own Facebook visits, and...
She closed her eyes. The word "history" burned behind her eyelids in blue. She exited the browser, got up from the chair and threw herself down on Tiffany's bed. With a surge in her stomach, she remembered the day her mother had thrown her out, and how she had looked through Taeyeon's phone, read her texts. Was she turning into her mother? Would she invade someone's privacy like that?
Burying her face in the white sheets, she groaned. Was she going to grow up like that, become someone with an obsessive need to control the people in her surroundings, to always know what they were thinking? And what was she hoping to find, anyway? That Tiffany would be gay? Because reading about HBTQ related things automatically meant she was gay?
She squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that colors exploded in front of her eyes. She stopped her train of thought, because she didn't want Tiffany to be gay anyway. That'd just be too much to take.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she sent up a silent thank you to the skies for the distraction. The silence was starting to not feel so comfortable anymore.
Recipient: Taeyeon
Sender: Seohyun
I feel awful...
Her heart ached for the younger girl, and while it felt nice to ache for someone else every once in a while, it was starting to become a little too much. Hyoyeon, Yoona, Yuri, Seohyun, Sooyoung - it all added up to too much pain.
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Taeyeon
you know what i think, seobaby. you two should talk. ♥
She realized almost as she sent it that those words were advice not only for the youngest, but also for herself.
She felt like she was standing at the edge of something: a turning point? A bright but deceitful illusion of a better life somewhere ahead? Something was changing, and that was all she knew, and she needed someone else's input. Someone who wasn't overcome with their own grief, someone who wasn't too busy to listen to her, really listen to her and take in what she was saying.
So, she rolled over on her back, and dialed the number she had no problem remembering anymore. Then she put the phone to her ear, and she wasn't nervous. She listened to the signals ring and she could breathe.
"Line 49, this is Yesung."
"Hi," she breathed. "Is Stephanie there?"
"Just a second."
She waited. She'd missed Stephanie's voice, her advice, her calm determination, her conviction that everything would always be alright. And she wished it could be infectious.
"Line 49, this is Stephanie."
Taeyeon breathed a sigh of relief. "Stephanie, hi, it's Taeyeon."
A pause, and then Stephanie's excited voice greeted her a bit too loudly: "Oh my God, Taeyeon, thank God you called! I've been so worried!"
Taeyeon smiled. "I'm alright, so no worries."
"What happened to you?" Stephanie asked. "Last I heard, your mother was... telling you to..."
"Yeah," Taeyeon interrupted. "Yeah, she threw me out."
"Did she find out about you?" the other girl asked carefully.
"Yeah."
"How?"
Taeyeon winced a little. "She... overheard me coming out to you. She was listening in through another phone."
"Oh..." Taeyeon could hear the realization in Stephanie's voice, and she stared out through the window, into the sunset. She didn't blame anyone. "Taeyeon, I'm so sorry."
Shrugging, Taeyeon tried to think of a reply. She wanted to say it was okay, but she wasn't sure that it really was. How could being throw out really be 'okay', even if she wasn't hurt? "Don't be," she said.
"So... where are you now?"
"I'm at a... at a friend's," Taeyeon replied. "My mom didn't let me bring any clothes or anything, so my friend has been lending me everything."
"I see," Stephanie said, thoughtfulness clear in her voice. "And this friend... Does she know that you're gay?"
For a second, Taeyeon felt like she could trip over the edge and completely freak out at the word "gay", but the feeling came, hit her like a whirlwind, and disappeared. She shook her head. "No, she doesn't. I haven't told why I got thrown out, and she accepts that."
"That's great," Stephanie said, though somewhat reluctantly, "I'm glad you've found someone to take care of you."
"Yeah," Taeyeon breathed.
Silence fell between them for a moment, and Taeyeon allowed Stephanie a few seconds to collect her thoughts. God knew it was needed. "I guess you were right when you said you couldn't tell your mother." Taeyeon kept silent. "Have you heard anything from her?"
"Not a word," Taeyeon said, pushing down the feelings that wanted to rise up at the statement. "She hasn't called, hasn't come looking for me, nothing."
"Oh."
"But it's better that way," Taeyeon continued, waving the pain away with her hand. "I'd rather not hear from her at all than to have her try to convert me, you know?"
"I guess," Stephanie replied, and Taeyeon could tell she was feeling guilty. Her normal 'go get it' attitude seemed a little dulled down. "But wouldn't the best thing be if she accepted you?"
"Of course," Taeyeon muttered.
"Hate is always built on ignorance, Taeyeon, on not knowing any better. This isn't final. It doesn't mean she's not going to change her mind, realize her mistakes and apologize."
And there it was. That undying positivity in Stephanie's reasoning, the one that used to grind Taeyeon's gears so badly, and this time, Taeyeon could only laugh. "You really never give up, do you?" she said.
"Just consider it," Stephanie said, laughing too.
"It's not going to happen," Taeyeon said simply, because it wasn't. Her mother had always made sure to tell her how important it was to have a boyfriend, to get married, have kids and be normal. Her worst nightmare had probably come true with Taeyeon's confession; her only child being gay and ruining her dreams of a perfect family. "I ruined her life," Taeyeon said. "She's not going to forgive me for this."
"You don't know that," Stephanie said, softly now, as if to not hurt Taeyeon's feelings, but Taeyeon waved it away again. She didn't need it. She wasn't hurting.
"I do."
Stephanie took a deep breath. "Either way," she said, obviously pushing down her stubbornness, "how long can you stay with your friend?"
Taeyeon shrugged to herself, straining to sit up on the bed. The room was getting dark, but the light switch was all the way over by the door. She sighed. "I don't know. I mean, she keeps saying I can stay forever if that would be the case, but it's not like I can pay for myself. I don't have any money."
"How are you planning to solve it?"
Taeyeon frowned. "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead." She paused, waiting for the old feelings of panic to come welling up, but again, there was nothing. "I think I should go back home and get my things," she said slowly, thinking it through almost as she said it. "I mean, I don't have much money there either, but at least I could pay for some of the food and stuff."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"It's not," Taeyeon replied, laughing again. "I don't have my keys, so I'd have to go while my mother is home."
"Yeah?" Stephanie said, still in that insecure tone. "Maybe it would do you good if the two of you got to talk."
Taeyeon smiled, despite feeling dejected. "It terrifies me," she said truthfully.
"Maybe you could bring someone with you?"
"Yeah, maybe."
"What are you scared of?"
Taeyeon hopped off the bed, walked over to the doorway and switched on the light. It didn't erase her fear of facing her mother. "Seeing her... hearing what she has to say."
"Maybe you're not the one who needs to listen this time, Taeyeon," Stephanie said. "Maybe you could tell her what you're thinking."
Taeyeon smiled. "I'm not brave enough for that. The woman hates me." She sat down on the bed again. "Besides, I'm not sure what I am thinking, really."
Stephanie laughed at that. "It's okay. What your mother needs to understand is that being gay is not a bad thing, and it's not wrong. I don't know what prejudices she has against gay people, but I'm sure you could prove her wrong just by talking to her. Calmly."
Taeyeon's turn to laugh. "I don't think there's any such thing as talking to her calmly about this."
"Hmm," Stephanie said. "Maybe not. But you've got to try, because you're probably the only one that's going to be able to change her mind."
Something in those words made Taeyeon's stomach churn. "And what if I can't? What then?"
"Then you keep trying," Stephanie said without a moment's hesitation. "And if you really can't, then you build your own family, with people who accept you."
Poking the hem of her jeans, Taeyeon smiled again. "I'm working on it." They fell silent again, and Taeyeon was still in disbelief of how calm she felt. Like none of the things she'd gone through over the past months had really happened. "This is not really the problem right now anyway," she said, almost wanting to laugh at herself for how silly it sounded. "I think I'm still in shock, somehow, cause I barely ever feel anxious anymore."
"No?" Stephanie said. "Then what is the problem?"
Taeyeon hesitated. She still hadn't admitted to her crush on Tiffany out loud to anybody, as she had hoped that ignoring the problem would make it go away. And well, being around Tiffany so much had only made her feelings duplicate, and she knew she might explode if she didn't get it out soon. "Remember how I told you I had feelings for someone?"
"Yes?" Stephanie said, sounding hopeful, and Taeyeon knew she was in for a disappointment.
"It's her... She's the one I'm living with."
A few seconds of silence, and then: "Oooohhh," almost like a cat meowing, and Taeyeon felt herself blush furiously. Stephanie giggled, composed herself, and continued: "Oh, I see. That must be..."
"Awkward?" Taeyeon filled in. "It was, but not anymore. Actually, I feel..." she tried, but forced herself to a stop. She didn't know why, but recently, with all the positive thinking invading her brain, it felt harder to express happy thoughts than negative thoughts, suddenly.
"What?" Stephanie asked, softly again.
"I feel like..." Taeyeon tried again, ignoring the warmth that seeped up through her stomach to her face. "Like with every day I'm around her, I... feel more comfortable. About... everything. Like every day, she... gets me to open up a little more, just by... being there. I don't know. It's terrifying."
"Why terrifying? Isn't it nice to have found someone you can trust?"
Taeyeon sighed. "I guess... it's not really like I trust her yet. I just keep thinking, what if I become too comfortable around her and I end up telling her the truth?" She shivered. "What if history ends up repeating itself?"
"Do you have any reason to believe she would judge you?" Stephanie asked.
"No," Taeyeon admitted. "She has other friends that are openly gay, so..."
Stephanie 'hmm'ed again. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."
"History begs to differ," Taeyeon said, laughing joylessly. "I just don't want to risk it." She hesitated for a second before continuing: "It's not like I haven't made progress, though. Just a month ago, these thoughts would have sent me into a panic attack. Now I can just... sit here and talk about it like we're discussing the weather." Stephanie laughed. "Well, almost, at least."
"I understand that you're scared, Taeyeon," Stephanie said. "It'd be impossible to not feel worried after going through what you have."
Taeyeon considered her words. "But I'm still... It's weird, but I'm less scared now than I was before it happened."
"Oh?" Stephanie said. "How so?"
"It's just..." Taeyeon said, searching for words. "It's weird to me now, how tightly I clung to the life I had. I hated it. I hated being so scared all the time. I hated worrying that my mother or anyone around me would find out that I'm gay. And yet, I was terrified that life would change. Isn't that weird?"
"Not at all, Taeyeon," Stephanie replied. "People are scared of change."
"Mm. I just think it's weird how we all decide to not go after what we want, only because we're scared of losing a life that we don't really like." Taeyeon imagined snow outside the window again. It calmed her down, it relaxed her, it always had, and it probably always would.
"Wow," Stephanie said at last.
“What?”
“I just… You weren’t joking when you said you’re opening up,” Stephanie said. Taeyeon didn’t know what to feel. “You’ve changed a lot. The way you think… the way you express yourself.”
"I'm making it sound like I'm ready to come out to the world, like I'm not scared at all," Taeyeon hurried then, "but that's not even kind of close to almost true. I just think... maybe. Someday."
"You're amazing, Taeyeon." Taeyeon spluttered, laughed and waved her free hand in front of her face. "No, I mean it. I don't think a lot of people would go through what you have and come out so much stronger on the other side." Warmth filled Taeyeon, and not the kind that would make her blush. "And it's like you say, maybe someday... Baby steps, one at a time, right?"
"Oh, right," Taeyeon said, suddenly remembering what she had forgotten to share with the other girl. "I... took a baby step. I came out to my best friend."
"You did?!" Stephanie exclaimed, her entire voice brightening. "How did it go?"
"It went well," Taeyeon said with a smile, remembering the night and how nervous she had been before telling Sooyoung, and how completely unnecessary it had been. "She slapped me when she realized I'd been scared of telling her."
Stephanie cooed. "I'm so proud of you, Taeyeonnie."
Invisible rocks fell off Taeyeon's shoulders. She couldn't remember ever having heard anyone tell her they were proud of her, at least not in a very, very long time. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she had to cover her mouth with her hand. "Thank you," she said, almost in a whisper, and suddenly she was proud, too. Proud of everything she had gone through over the past few months, proud of still being able to stand up. Proud of not being completely destroyed. Of not letting her mother be the one to determine how she was going to feel about herself.
"So..." Stephanie said, her voice full of mischief that made Taeyeon expect the worst. "This girl you like."
"Yeah?"
"What if she would suddenly turn to you one day and ask you if you're gay? Or if she told you she had feelings for you? What would happen then?"
The room seemed cold. "She'd never be into someone like me. She's way too perfect."
"Humor me."
"Uh, I don't know," Taeyeon said, feeling insecure at the thought, "I'd probably have a stroke and die."
Stephanie laughed. Taeyeon closed her eyes, still seeing little snowflakes falling. "That sounds like a bad solution."
"Really, though," she replied. "I can't stop it. I like her so much that... Sometimes I feel like I can't fit it all in my heart."
Stephanie 'aww'ed, and Taeyeon ignored it. It was not cute. "It's because you haven't told her yet."
For the first time, a perfect scenario of the perfect confession, and more importantly the perfect response, created itself in her mind. She couldn't smile. All she could do was to feel her own heart beat.
"Maybe."
There was definitely some perks to not being able to fall in love. You could focus on other things, like school and friends and the future, and you didn't have that constant paranoia that something would go wrong, that you'd be left alone or that something would happen to the one you love.
But most of all, Sunny discovered, she missed the time when things didn't hurt every second of the day. She missed not having a stomach ache. It seemed like she couldn't remember what it felt like to not be worried for just a minute, and yet, it had only been a week since Jessica started ignoring her. A week during which Sunny had sent countless texts, called her up only to listen to the signals ring endlessly, and lain on her bed, staring aimlessly into the ceiling while feeling her heart race beyond her control.
She needed to talk to someone. And the choice, she knew, stood only between Sooyoung, Yoona and Jinjeong. Jessica wouldn't pick up her calls, none of the other girls knew about her and Jessica (she hoped), and Yoona would probably kick her ass if she tried to bring the subject up with her. The two of them had barely looked at each other in school the past week, and when they did, the younger of the two always made sure to let Sunny know exactly what she was thinking, and it wasn't pretty.
Her and Sooyoung hadn't talked any more about her secrets with Jessica, and Sunny wasn't sure why. The younger girl seemed to be draining of energy with every day that they spent without another word from Hyoyeon, and Sunny was honestly worried for her health. She seemed to be almost fading away, disappearing into herself, becoming increasingly more quiet and unlike herself, and Sunny didn't want to add any more pressure to speed the process along, so the choice of who to call that night wasn't a very difficult one.
"Line 49, this is Stephanie."
"Hi, is Jinjeong available?" she asked, her stomach aching with anxiety that Jinjeong wouldn't be there, that she wouldn't be able to get her words out to anyone, that she'd have to suffer through what she had put herself into all alone.
"I'm sorry," Stephanie replied, and Sunny's heart sank, "Jinjeong isn't on duty tonight."
"Oh," Sunny said hollowly. "I see."
"I would be happy to talk to you, though."
Sunny shook her head. She was sure this Stephanie person was nice and good in every way, but that didn't necessarily mean she'd agree with Sunny's choice to go after someone who was taken. "I don't know..."
"Please," Stephanie said encouragingly. "No one should have to be alone. I'd hate to think you'd be left without anyone to talk to."
All the energy seemed to go out of Sunny's body. All she could think of was Jessica's face, Jessica's lips promising her to send Yuri away, her hands reaching over Sunny's stomach and nails scraping her skin. "Alright," she said.
"What's on your mind?"
"Here's the thing," Sunny began, and that was all it took: the tears came. Finally. After one week of nothing but repressing. "I'm in love with someone, for the first time in my life." She covered her eyes with her hand and let the tears pour under it. "But she's taken. She has a girlfriend, but she still kissed me. We slept together. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, and I wouldn't change it for the world." She paused, trying to sort out her breathing.
"Okay..." Stephanie said, slowly, and she sounded anything but happy. Sunny's tears poured harder.
"She told me she'd break up with her girlfriend to be with me. She even went over to her house to do it a week ago, but something must have happened there cause since then she's been ignoring me, not spoken a world to me, and God, I feel like I'm dying, I miss her so much."
"Easy now," Stephanie said. "Did she specifically tell you she would break up with her girlfriend for you?"
"Yes," Sunny nodded, eager to not feel as stupid as she did for believing in Jessica's words. "But it's not going to happen, is it?"
Stephanie hesitated. Sunny wanted to disappear. "Look, this- I, I mean- I really don't know what to say."
"I know it's awful," Sunny said. "I tried to stop myself from feeling this way, and I tried not to let it go further than that, but I couldn't. I'm in love with her. I love her."
"But like you said, it's still awful," Stephanie said. "They've been-How long have they been together?"
Sunny bit down on her lip. She could lie. This Stephanie girl would never know, and she would probably judge Sunny less if she modified the truth a bit. But then again, it wouldn't make it any less true. "Four years."
"Four years, huh," Stephanie said, voice dull. "I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like this girl you like has made her choice."
Sunny broke out into sobs. "It can't be true," she choked out. "She was so set on breaking up with her... She said we'd be together."
"They've been together for four years," Stephanie repeated. "They've probably put a lot of hard work into their relationship, and it's not something that should be gambled with so easily. If she has made her choice to stay with the one that's stuck with her for four years, you should be happy for her. Because she probably chose what made her the happiest."
"She's not happier with her," Sunny breathed. "I know she isn't."
"I feel sorry for you for ending up in this mess," Stephanie continued, her voice softening a little. "I know it's not a choice you've made. You never make the choice to fall in love."
"I wanted to fall in love, but I didn't know it would feel this way," Sunny said, tears still slipping down her cheeks. "And I know I should be feeling so guilty towards her girlfriend, because I sort of know her, but I don't, and that makes me feel terrible, so in a way it's like I care even though I don't and I just..." she trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut, wishing the whole madness to just be over with already.
Stephanie took a deep breath, and everything felt dark. "I don't think you're a bad person. Love's a funny thing." A pause, then: "Look, no matter what happens, the two of you need to talk. So wait until you can get her alone, but don't make a scene. I don't blame you for being naive the first time you fell in love, and it sounds like she's been confused as well. But if she's made her choice, and it sounds like she has, then make it easier for all of you and accept it. Do you understand?"
"I..." Sunny panted, "I don't know how I can accept that. I don't know how to accept losing the only person I've ever had feelings for."
"I'm not saying it would be easy," Stephanie said. "I'm saying it's what's right. For all of you."
"But she..." Sunny tried, pleaded, didn't know who was pleading to but pleading with whoever would listen, "she's the only one..."
"I think you need to ask yourself whether your feelings are actually for her, or if they're just there because you've never had anyone else."
"No," Sunny said instantly, seeing Jessica's face in her mind, her blond locks, her thin features, her smile, her voice, her hands, her quirks, everything adding up to one perfect person that she didn't want to live without. "I'm in love with her. Fuck everything else. I don't care who I might meet when she's gone. I love her."
"The only advice I really have for you, is to make it easier for yourself. Don't think that way. If she's staying with her girlfriend, you're going to get hurt, but you can't change it. You shouldn't try to change it. No matter what the outcome is, being 'the other woman' won't feel good, not for you, not for her. And ask yourself this: if she was to go to you this way, would you ever be able to trust her?"
Sunny refused to open her eyes. "I want to so badly."
"But you don't."
"I would," Sunny argued. "Eventually. And even so, if being with her meant that I worried about losing her every now and then, it'd be worth it. It's not like I wouldn't worry anyway."
"It doesn't work that way," Stephanie cut in. "Look, relationships are supposed to be healthy, built on trust and understanding. A relationship isn't automatically healthy just because you love the girl."
"I don't care," Sunny said, and it was true. "I don't care." What did she care about health? What about her health without Jessica? It'd be a million times worse. She'd be doomed.
"You should," Stephanie said. "And in the end, I think you would."
"What do you even mean by that?"
Stephanie snorted. "That relationships without trust have a tendency to crash and burn."
"So?" Sunny cried. "I'd hold onto her through that crash. I wouldn't let go."
"But you'd have to be able to trust that she'd hold onto you just as tightly, no?" Stephanie said. "Can you do that?"
Sunny cried. She hated rules, and she hated whoever came up with them. They always rang true, but Sunny always wished she'd find a way to get past them. To be the exception to all these goddamn rules.
She hung up the phone. God, how she hated this mess she'd gotten herself into, and she'd give up everything if she had to, just to make it stop. Except for Jessica.
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,118
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
- 28 -
Seohyun didn't know why things could never turn out the way she wanted them to.
Even as she lay on her bed for the umpteenth night in a row, just staring up at the ceiling, she knew and remembered that life wasn't something particularly negative or difficult. No, she was happy. Most of the time.
But when it came to love, it seemed a bit different.
Love. If that was really what she felt. She pulled her fingers through her hair absent-mindedly, a desperate attempt to calm herself down a little, even though she didn't truly feel like she deserved it. Because that day, maybe no more than five hours earlier, Sungmin had been buried, and the loss was final. He was dead. He was gone. And Seohyun didn't need to talk to anybody else to know that she was at least part of that. And how could love, that almighty and overpowering force, be the cause of something like that? How could love take someone's life?
So maybe, she thought, turning over on her side, what she was feeling wasn't love. Maybe she was just confused after all. How many priests had she heard say throughout her life that homosexual love was wrong, a sin, something shameful and hurtful? How many times? And how many times had she rolled her eyes inwardly (but never outwardly) at the words, because how could love be something that caused people harm? That wasn't love in Seohyun's eyes. And her love for Yoona never harmed anyone, so how could-
Except, it had. Of course. An innocent boy paid with his life for Seohyun's own selfishness. Maybe she couldn't have known, but she could have at least considered his feelings. She hadn't. She'd been swept away by Yoona's charm, her beautiful smile, caring nature and awkward wit - but maybe, since all it had given any of them by now was hurt, maybe it still wasn't love.
But then she closed her eyes, seeing for her inner eye how Yoona always tried so hard, always did her best to make sure Seohyun was comfortable, how she brought out every issue that Seohyun wanted to keep to herself, and suddenly she was sure that it was love.
And God, did it hurt.
Tears welled up almost without her knowledge, and she ignored them as they seeped out and into the sheets beneath her. Seohyun wasn't one to cry often, simply because it didn't solve anything. Never made it better. All it left her with was this empty, hollow feeling that was neither constructive nor motivating - just dark and devastating.
But she really couldn't help it this time. Everything in her heart spoke of Yoona, call Yoona, remember Yoona, what would Yoona say right now? And everything in her head replied no, no, no! The mixture of wanting something so much and at the same time wanting to run to the opposite side of the country left her dizzy, disoriented, confused because this never happened - Seohyun so rarely let her emotions get in charge of her intellect. She prided herself on that.
But of course Yoona, the one person she seemed to love the most, was the one to ruin that.
Yoona had come into her life and turned it completely upside down, while Seohyun watched the hurricane rip through her life, trying to pretend she wasn't being blown off her feet. She didn't know if it was visible to the other girl, and she didn't know if she wanted it to be, but she had fallen head over heels for her, no hesitation, no questioning, no possibility of going back. Breaking up after the short time they'd had together was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do, but she was glad their time together had been short. Otherwise she wouldn't have been able to do it, she thought, and that just couldn't be.
She needed to pay for what she had done, needed to make it right. And that was the reason why she felt so stuck there in her bed, unable to get up and think about anything else until she had figured it out. The answer seemed stuck somewhere far beyond her reach. Sungmin was gone now, and he had left behind a mourning mother, family and crowd of friends, neither of which Seohyun dared approach or had anything to offer - so how could she possibly make it right?
She reached for the phone on her nightstand, because for the first time, thinking seemed to be too painful for her mind to bear. Because what if there was nothing she could do? What if she never figured something out? She'd be trapped in this feeling for a long time, maybe forever-and worst of all, as would Yoona.
Recipient: Sunny, Taeyeon, Tiffany, Sooyoung
Sender: Seohyun
I feel awful...
She lay back down on her back, placed her phone on her stomach and closed her eyes. Waiting for a distraction. Any kind of help.
Recipient: Seohyun
Sender: Sooyoung
if you come over, we can have a pity party
She smiled despite herself. No matter how often she bickered with Sooyoung, she loved her beyond comprehension.
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Sunny
♥♥♥ you know i'm here for you if you want to talk, right? ♥
Even the mention of Sunny's name brought her warmth, no matter what the occasion. But she thought about the question, and suddenly she felt a headache spring out of confusion; because even though she just sent the text, she didn't want to talk. She didn't think anyone of her friends would understand her train of thought, even less accept it. They'd be all too willing to tell her that she wasn't to blame for Sungmin's fate, but she couldn't have that. What if they managed to convince her at some point?
No, she decided; it couldn't be. She needed to pay for her mistakes and then she needed to win Yoona back - if the other girl would ever forgive her for leaving her so brutally - and how could she do that?
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Taeyeon
you know what i think, seobaby. you two should talk. ♥
"Taeyeon, I'm going over to Yuri's tonight."
Taeyeon was sitting in front of Tiffany's laptop by her desk, vaguely aware that the sun was setting outside the window. Just as well. It had been a rainy day. "Okay," she said, looking over to the door where Tiffany herself was standing.
"I'd ask you to come, but it didn't sound like a social call as much as it sounded like a 'let me cry into your arms' kind of call." Tiffany smiled apologetically at her, and Taeyeon looked away, as she always did whenever Tiffany smiled.
"It's alright," she said, because it was. "Is it about Jessica? I thought the two of them worked things out."
Tiffany nodded, though her face remained uncertain. "For now. I think Yuri's still worried that Jessica's gonna change her mind or something." Taeyeon nodded. "Anyway, I'll probably be home late, so don't wait up, okay?"
Taeyeon nodded again. But in truth, she probably would. Sleeping was always easier if Tiffany was around. "Alright."
"You can take the bed, too."
Taeyeon spun around and stared at the younger girl. "No, Tiffany," she protested, "I had it last night. It's yours tonight. I'll take the floor."
Tiffany shook her head. "Nuh-uh. If I find you on the floor when I get home, I'm going to carry you to the bed." She laughed, and Taeyeon fought her blush away at the mental images. "Have a good night, okay?"
Taeyeon nodded. "You too. Say hi to Yuri from me."
Tiffany walked out the door, leaving Taeyeon staring through the empty doorway. The usual emptiness that came with Tiffany's absence was just about to start rising in her when said girl leaned into the room again. "You'll be alright, no?" she asked, worried expression gracing her features.
Smirking, Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at her. "It'll be difficult, but I think I can survive without you just for one night, mom."
The younger gritted her teeth at her. "This girl..." she mumbled before walking away again, and the sound of footfalls down the stairs told Taeyeon that she was really leaving this time. She listened as the front door slammed, to the droning of the car starting and driving away, and then lastly to the silence that Tiffany left behind.
There was no sound of the rain against the window anymore. No wind. No television blaring. No Tiffany there to talk to her. No distractions.
And for the first time in Taeyeon's life, she kind of thought it was comfortable. Or at least could see how it could be.
She had learned how to relax around Tiffany, which was a great relief to her head. She didn't spend all her waking moments worrying that Tiffany would find out about her orientation like she had thought she would, and neither did their accidental touches or silences feel awkward anymore. And that was crazy enough in itself.
Sooyoung and Sunny had leant her enough clothes to get by, she'd settled into Tiffany's routines and daily life, and she rarely ever thought about her mother. She didn't miss her. She refused to miss her, refused to think about it at all. And with Tiffany around so much, it wasn't that hard.
The emptiness she had thought she felt after losing everything she had had soon turned into a relief. Because really, she thought, why should she mourn a life she had hated to begin with? She had hated living with her mother, hated the constant fear and anxiety, and yet she had feared losing it more than anything else. Why?
She scrolled through her Facebook feed for a few minutes without really reading the words, just seeing the rows of pointless text roll by and taking the relief it seemed to give her. And suddenly, her eyes caught the word "history" on Tiffany's browser - and she couldn't look away.
Oh, no, she thought - you're not going to go there. You are not going to look at Tiffany's internet history.
It was ridiculous, really - in this day and age, how could you find out more about somebody than by checking what web pages they went to? What they searched for on Google? And here she was, alone with Tiffany's computer the whole evening.
She stared at the word. It's not like she'd find anything out, not really, because Tiffany wasn't gay. That'd just be too silly. So even if Taeyeon would look, she wouldn't find anything gay related, nothing involving the letters LGBT, so really, what difference would it make?
She hovered over the word. Tiffany wouldn't find out. And what she wouldn't know also wouldn't hurt her, wasn't that true? And it's not like Taeyeon would judge her no matter what she saw, and maybe Tiffany cleared her history regularly anyway, and the only thing she'd find would be her own Facebook visits, and...
She closed her eyes. The word "history" burned behind her eyelids in blue. She exited the browser, got up from the chair and threw herself down on Tiffany's bed. With a surge in her stomach, she remembered the day her mother had thrown her out, and how she had looked through Taeyeon's phone, read her texts. Was she turning into her mother? Would she invade someone's privacy like that?
Burying her face in the white sheets, she groaned. Was she going to grow up like that, become someone with an obsessive need to control the people in her surroundings, to always know what they were thinking? And what was she hoping to find, anyway? That Tiffany would be gay? Because reading about HBTQ related things automatically meant she was gay?
She squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that colors exploded in front of her eyes. She stopped her train of thought, because she didn't want Tiffany to be gay anyway. That'd just be too much to take.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she sent up a silent thank you to the skies for the distraction. The silence was starting to not feel so comfortable anymore.
Recipient: Taeyeon
Sender: Seohyun
I feel awful...
Her heart ached for the younger girl, and while it felt nice to ache for someone else every once in a while, it was starting to become a little too much. Hyoyeon, Yoona, Yuri, Seohyun, Sooyoung - it all added up to too much pain.
Recipient: Seohyunnie
Sender: Taeyeon
you know what i think, seobaby. you two should talk. ♥
She realized almost as she sent it that those words were advice not only for the youngest, but also for herself.
She felt like she was standing at the edge of something: a turning point? A bright but deceitful illusion of a better life somewhere ahead? Something was changing, and that was all she knew, and she needed someone else's input. Someone who wasn't overcome with their own grief, someone who wasn't too busy to listen to her, really listen to her and take in what she was saying.
So, she rolled over on her back, and dialed the number she had no problem remembering anymore. Then she put the phone to her ear, and she wasn't nervous. She listened to the signals ring and she could breathe.
"Line 49, this is Yesung."
"Hi," she breathed. "Is Stephanie there?"
"Just a second."
She waited. She'd missed Stephanie's voice, her advice, her calm determination, her conviction that everything would always be alright. And she wished it could be infectious.
"Line 49, this is Stephanie."
Taeyeon breathed a sigh of relief. "Stephanie, hi, it's Taeyeon."
A pause, and then Stephanie's excited voice greeted her a bit too loudly: "Oh my God, Taeyeon, thank God you called! I've been so worried!"
Taeyeon smiled. "I'm alright, so no worries."
"What happened to you?" Stephanie asked. "Last I heard, your mother was... telling you to..."
"Yeah," Taeyeon interrupted. "Yeah, she threw me out."
"Did she find out about you?" the other girl asked carefully.
"Yeah."
"How?"
Taeyeon winced a little. "She... overheard me coming out to you. She was listening in through another phone."
"Oh..." Taeyeon could hear the realization in Stephanie's voice, and she stared out through the window, into the sunset. She didn't blame anyone. "Taeyeon, I'm so sorry."
Shrugging, Taeyeon tried to think of a reply. She wanted to say it was okay, but she wasn't sure that it really was. How could being throw out really be 'okay', even if she wasn't hurt? "Don't be," she said.
"So... where are you now?"
"I'm at a... at a friend's," Taeyeon replied. "My mom didn't let me bring any clothes or anything, so my friend has been lending me everything."
"I see," Stephanie said, thoughtfulness clear in her voice. "And this friend... Does she know that you're gay?"
For a second, Taeyeon felt like she could trip over the edge and completely freak out at the word "gay", but the feeling came, hit her like a whirlwind, and disappeared. She shook her head. "No, she doesn't. I haven't told why I got thrown out, and she accepts that."
"That's great," Stephanie said, though somewhat reluctantly, "I'm glad you've found someone to take care of you."
"Yeah," Taeyeon breathed.
Silence fell between them for a moment, and Taeyeon allowed Stephanie a few seconds to collect her thoughts. God knew it was needed. "I guess you were right when you said you couldn't tell your mother." Taeyeon kept silent. "Have you heard anything from her?"
"Not a word," Taeyeon said, pushing down the feelings that wanted to rise up at the statement. "She hasn't called, hasn't come looking for me, nothing."
"Oh."
"But it's better that way," Taeyeon continued, waving the pain away with her hand. "I'd rather not hear from her at all than to have her try to convert me, you know?"
"I guess," Stephanie replied, and Taeyeon could tell she was feeling guilty. Her normal 'go get it' attitude seemed a little dulled down. "But wouldn't the best thing be if she accepted you?"
"Of course," Taeyeon muttered.
"Hate is always built on ignorance, Taeyeon, on not knowing any better. This isn't final. It doesn't mean she's not going to change her mind, realize her mistakes and apologize."
And there it was. That undying positivity in Stephanie's reasoning, the one that used to grind Taeyeon's gears so badly, and this time, Taeyeon could only laugh. "You really never give up, do you?" she said.
"Just consider it," Stephanie said, laughing too.
"It's not going to happen," Taeyeon said simply, because it wasn't. Her mother had always made sure to tell her how important it was to have a boyfriend, to get married, have kids and be normal. Her worst nightmare had probably come true with Taeyeon's confession; her only child being gay and ruining her dreams of a perfect family. "I ruined her life," Taeyeon said. "She's not going to forgive me for this."
"You don't know that," Stephanie said, softly now, as if to not hurt Taeyeon's feelings, but Taeyeon waved it away again. She didn't need it. She wasn't hurting.
"I do."
Stephanie took a deep breath. "Either way," she said, obviously pushing down her stubbornness, "how long can you stay with your friend?"
Taeyeon shrugged to herself, straining to sit up on the bed. The room was getting dark, but the light switch was all the way over by the door. She sighed. "I don't know. I mean, she keeps saying I can stay forever if that would be the case, but it's not like I can pay for myself. I don't have any money."
"How are you planning to solve it?"
Taeyeon frowned. "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead." She paused, waiting for the old feelings of panic to come welling up, but again, there was nothing. "I think I should go back home and get my things," she said slowly, thinking it through almost as she said it. "I mean, I don't have much money there either, but at least I could pay for some of the food and stuff."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"It's not," Taeyeon replied, laughing again. "I don't have my keys, so I'd have to go while my mother is home."
"Yeah?" Stephanie said, still in that insecure tone. "Maybe it would do you good if the two of you got to talk."
Taeyeon smiled, despite feeling dejected. "It terrifies me," she said truthfully.
"Maybe you could bring someone with you?"
"Yeah, maybe."
"What are you scared of?"
Taeyeon hopped off the bed, walked over to the doorway and switched on the light. It didn't erase her fear of facing her mother. "Seeing her... hearing what she has to say."
"Maybe you're not the one who needs to listen this time, Taeyeon," Stephanie said. "Maybe you could tell her what you're thinking."
Taeyeon smiled. "I'm not brave enough for that. The woman hates me." She sat down on the bed again. "Besides, I'm not sure what I am thinking, really."
Stephanie laughed at that. "It's okay. What your mother needs to understand is that being gay is not a bad thing, and it's not wrong. I don't know what prejudices she has against gay people, but I'm sure you could prove her wrong just by talking to her. Calmly."
Taeyeon's turn to laugh. "I don't think there's any such thing as talking to her calmly about this."
"Hmm," Stephanie said. "Maybe not. But you've got to try, because you're probably the only one that's going to be able to change her mind."
Something in those words made Taeyeon's stomach churn. "And what if I can't? What then?"
"Then you keep trying," Stephanie said without a moment's hesitation. "And if you really can't, then you build your own family, with people who accept you."
Poking the hem of her jeans, Taeyeon smiled again. "I'm working on it." They fell silent again, and Taeyeon was still in disbelief of how calm she felt. Like none of the things she'd gone through over the past months had really happened. "This is not really the problem right now anyway," she said, almost wanting to laugh at herself for how silly it sounded. "I think I'm still in shock, somehow, cause I barely ever feel anxious anymore."
"No?" Stephanie said. "Then what is the problem?"
Taeyeon hesitated. She still hadn't admitted to her crush on Tiffany out loud to anybody, as she had hoped that ignoring the problem would make it go away. And well, being around Tiffany so much had only made her feelings duplicate, and she knew she might explode if she didn't get it out soon. "Remember how I told you I had feelings for someone?"
"Yes?" Stephanie said, sounding hopeful, and Taeyeon knew she was in for a disappointment.
"It's her... She's the one I'm living with."
A few seconds of silence, and then: "Oooohhh," almost like a cat meowing, and Taeyeon felt herself blush furiously. Stephanie giggled, composed herself, and continued: "Oh, I see. That must be..."
"Awkward?" Taeyeon filled in. "It was, but not anymore. Actually, I feel..." she tried, but forced herself to a stop. She didn't know why, but recently, with all the positive thinking invading her brain, it felt harder to express happy thoughts than negative thoughts, suddenly.
"What?" Stephanie asked, softly again.
"I feel like..." Taeyeon tried again, ignoring the warmth that seeped up through her stomach to her face. "Like with every day I'm around her, I... feel more comfortable. About... everything. Like every day, she... gets me to open up a little more, just by... being there. I don't know. It's terrifying."
"Why terrifying? Isn't it nice to have found someone you can trust?"
Taeyeon sighed. "I guess... it's not really like I trust her yet. I just keep thinking, what if I become too comfortable around her and I end up telling her the truth?" She shivered. "What if history ends up repeating itself?"
"Do you have any reason to believe she would judge you?" Stephanie asked.
"No," Taeyeon admitted. "She has other friends that are openly gay, so..."
Stephanie 'hmm'ed again. "I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."
"History begs to differ," Taeyeon said, laughing joylessly. "I just don't want to risk it." She hesitated for a second before continuing: "It's not like I haven't made progress, though. Just a month ago, these thoughts would have sent me into a panic attack. Now I can just... sit here and talk about it like we're discussing the weather." Stephanie laughed. "Well, almost, at least."
"I understand that you're scared, Taeyeon," Stephanie said. "It'd be impossible to not feel worried after going through what you have."
Taeyeon considered her words. "But I'm still... It's weird, but I'm less scared now than I was before it happened."
"Oh?" Stephanie said. "How so?"
"It's just..." Taeyeon said, searching for words. "It's weird to me now, how tightly I clung to the life I had. I hated it. I hated being so scared all the time. I hated worrying that my mother or anyone around me would find out that I'm gay. And yet, I was terrified that life would change. Isn't that weird?"
"Not at all, Taeyeon," Stephanie replied. "People are scared of change."
"Mm. I just think it's weird how we all decide to not go after what we want, only because we're scared of losing a life that we don't really like." Taeyeon imagined snow outside the window again. It calmed her down, it relaxed her, it always had, and it probably always would.
"Wow," Stephanie said at last.
“What?”
“I just… You weren’t joking when you said you’re opening up,” Stephanie said. Taeyeon didn’t know what to feel. “You’ve changed a lot. The way you think… the way you express yourself.”
"I'm making it sound like I'm ready to come out to the world, like I'm not scared at all," Taeyeon hurried then, "but that's not even kind of close to almost true. I just think... maybe. Someday."
"You're amazing, Taeyeon." Taeyeon spluttered, laughed and waved her free hand in front of her face. "No, I mean it. I don't think a lot of people would go through what you have and come out so much stronger on the other side." Warmth filled Taeyeon, and not the kind that would make her blush. "And it's like you say, maybe someday... Baby steps, one at a time, right?"
"Oh, right," Taeyeon said, suddenly remembering what she had forgotten to share with the other girl. "I... took a baby step. I came out to my best friend."
"You did?!" Stephanie exclaimed, her entire voice brightening. "How did it go?"
"It went well," Taeyeon said with a smile, remembering the night and how nervous she had been before telling Sooyoung, and how completely unnecessary it had been. "She slapped me when she realized I'd been scared of telling her."
Stephanie cooed. "I'm so proud of you, Taeyeonnie."
Invisible rocks fell off Taeyeon's shoulders. She couldn't remember ever having heard anyone tell her they were proud of her, at least not in a very, very long time. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she had to cover her mouth with her hand. "Thank you," she said, almost in a whisper, and suddenly she was proud, too. Proud of everything she had gone through over the past few months, proud of still being able to stand up. Proud of not being completely destroyed. Of not letting her mother be the one to determine how she was going to feel about herself.
"So..." Stephanie said, her voice full of mischief that made Taeyeon expect the worst. "This girl you like."
"Yeah?"
"What if she would suddenly turn to you one day and ask you if you're gay? Or if she told you she had feelings for you? What would happen then?"
The room seemed cold. "She'd never be into someone like me. She's way too perfect."
"Humor me."
"Uh, I don't know," Taeyeon said, feeling insecure at the thought, "I'd probably have a stroke and die."
Stephanie laughed. Taeyeon closed her eyes, still seeing little snowflakes falling. "That sounds like a bad solution."
"Really, though," she replied. "I can't stop it. I like her so much that... Sometimes I feel like I can't fit it all in my heart."
Stephanie 'aww'ed, and Taeyeon ignored it. It was not cute. "It's because you haven't told her yet."
For the first time, a perfect scenario of the perfect confession, and more importantly the perfect response, created itself in her mind. She couldn't smile. All she could do was to feel her own heart beat.
"Maybe."
There was definitely some perks to not being able to fall in love. You could focus on other things, like school and friends and the future, and you didn't have that constant paranoia that something would go wrong, that you'd be left alone or that something would happen to the one you love.
But most of all, Sunny discovered, she missed the time when things didn't hurt every second of the day. She missed not having a stomach ache. It seemed like she couldn't remember what it felt like to not be worried for just a minute, and yet, it had only been a week since Jessica started ignoring her. A week during which Sunny had sent countless texts, called her up only to listen to the signals ring endlessly, and lain on her bed, staring aimlessly into the ceiling while feeling her heart race beyond her control.
She needed to talk to someone. And the choice, she knew, stood only between Sooyoung, Yoona and Jinjeong. Jessica wouldn't pick up her calls, none of the other girls knew about her and Jessica (she hoped), and Yoona would probably kick her ass if she tried to bring the subject up with her. The two of them had barely looked at each other in school the past week, and when they did, the younger of the two always made sure to let Sunny know exactly what she was thinking, and it wasn't pretty.
Her and Sooyoung hadn't talked any more about her secrets with Jessica, and Sunny wasn't sure why. The younger girl seemed to be draining of energy with every day that they spent without another word from Hyoyeon, and Sunny was honestly worried for her health. She seemed to be almost fading away, disappearing into herself, becoming increasingly more quiet and unlike herself, and Sunny didn't want to add any more pressure to speed the process along, so the choice of who to call that night wasn't a very difficult one.
"Line 49, this is Stephanie."
"Hi, is Jinjeong available?" she asked, her stomach aching with anxiety that Jinjeong wouldn't be there, that she wouldn't be able to get her words out to anyone, that she'd have to suffer through what she had put herself into all alone.
"I'm sorry," Stephanie replied, and Sunny's heart sank, "Jinjeong isn't on duty tonight."
"Oh," Sunny said hollowly. "I see."
"I would be happy to talk to you, though."
Sunny shook her head. She was sure this Stephanie person was nice and good in every way, but that didn't necessarily mean she'd agree with Sunny's choice to go after someone who was taken. "I don't know..."
"Please," Stephanie said encouragingly. "No one should have to be alone. I'd hate to think you'd be left without anyone to talk to."
All the energy seemed to go out of Sunny's body. All she could think of was Jessica's face, Jessica's lips promising her to send Yuri away, her hands reaching over Sunny's stomach and nails scraping her skin. "Alright," she said.
"What's on your mind?"
"Here's the thing," Sunny began, and that was all it took: the tears came. Finally. After one week of nothing but repressing. "I'm in love with someone, for the first time in my life." She covered her eyes with her hand and let the tears pour under it. "But she's taken. She has a girlfriend, but she still kissed me. We slept together. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, and I wouldn't change it for the world." She paused, trying to sort out her breathing.
"Okay..." Stephanie said, slowly, and she sounded anything but happy. Sunny's tears poured harder.
"She told me she'd break up with her girlfriend to be with me. She even went over to her house to do it a week ago, but something must have happened there cause since then she's been ignoring me, not spoken a world to me, and God, I feel like I'm dying, I miss her so much."
"Easy now," Stephanie said. "Did she specifically tell you she would break up with her girlfriend for you?"
"Yes," Sunny nodded, eager to not feel as stupid as she did for believing in Jessica's words. "But it's not going to happen, is it?"
Stephanie hesitated. Sunny wanted to disappear. "Look, this- I, I mean- I really don't know what to say."
"I know it's awful," Sunny said. "I tried to stop myself from feeling this way, and I tried not to let it go further than that, but I couldn't. I'm in love with her. I love her."
"But like you said, it's still awful," Stephanie said. "They've been-How long have they been together?"
Sunny bit down on her lip. She could lie. This Stephanie girl would never know, and she would probably judge Sunny less if she modified the truth a bit. But then again, it wouldn't make it any less true. "Four years."
"Four years, huh," Stephanie said, voice dull. "I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like this girl you like has made her choice."
Sunny broke out into sobs. "It can't be true," she choked out. "She was so set on breaking up with her... She said we'd be together."
"They've been together for four years," Stephanie repeated. "They've probably put a lot of hard work into their relationship, and it's not something that should be gambled with so easily. If she has made her choice to stay with the one that's stuck with her for four years, you should be happy for her. Because she probably chose what made her the happiest."
"She's not happier with her," Sunny breathed. "I know she isn't."
"I feel sorry for you for ending up in this mess," Stephanie continued, her voice softening a little. "I know it's not a choice you've made. You never make the choice to fall in love."
"I wanted to fall in love, but I didn't know it would feel this way," Sunny said, tears still slipping down her cheeks. "And I know I should be feeling so guilty towards her girlfriend, because I sort of know her, but I don't, and that makes me feel terrible, so in a way it's like I care even though I don't and I just..." she trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut, wishing the whole madness to just be over with already.
Stephanie took a deep breath, and everything felt dark. "I don't think you're a bad person. Love's a funny thing." A pause, then: "Look, no matter what happens, the two of you need to talk. So wait until you can get her alone, but don't make a scene. I don't blame you for being naive the first time you fell in love, and it sounds like she's been confused as well. But if she's made her choice, and it sounds like she has, then make it easier for all of you and accept it. Do you understand?"
"I..." Sunny panted, "I don't know how I can accept that. I don't know how to accept losing the only person I've ever had feelings for."
"I'm not saying it would be easy," Stephanie said. "I'm saying it's what's right. For all of you."
"But she..." Sunny tried, pleaded, didn't know who was pleading to but pleading with whoever would listen, "she's the only one..."
"I think you need to ask yourself whether your feelings are actually for her, or if they're just there because you've never had anyone else."
"No," Sunny said instantly, seeing Jessica's face in her mind, her blond locks, her thin features, her smile, her voice, her hands, her quirks, everything adding up to one perfect person that she didn't want to live without. "I'm in love with her. Fuck everything else. I don't care who I might meet when she's gone. I love her."
"The only advice I really have for you, is to make it easier for yourself. Don't think that way. If she's staying with her girlfriend, you're going to get hurt, but you can't change it. You shouldn't try to change it. No matter what the outcome is, being 'the other woman' won't feel good, not for you, not for her. And ask yourself this: if she was to go to you this way, would you ever be able to trust her?"
Sunny refused to open her eyes. "I want to so badly."
"But you don't."
"I would," Sunny argued. "Eventually. And even so, if being with her meant that I worried about losing her every now and then, it'd be worth it. It's not like I wouldn't worry anyway."
"It doesn't work that way," Stephanie cut in. "Look, relationships are supposed to be healthy, built on trust and understanding. A relationship isn't automatically healthy just because you love the girl."
"I don't care," Sunny said, and it was true. "I don't care." What did she care about health? What about her health without Jessica? It'd be a million times worse. She'd be doomed.
"You should," Stephanie said. "And in the end, I think you would."
"What do you even mean by that?"
Stephanie snorted. "That relationships without trust have a tendency to crash and burn."
"So?" Sunny cried. "I'd hold onto her through that crash. I wouldn't let go."
"But you'd have to be able to trust that she'd hold onto you just as tightly, no?" Stephanie said. "Can you do that?"
Sunny cried. She hated rules, and she hated whoever came up with them. They always rang true, but Sunny always wished she'd find a way to get past them. To be the exception to all these goddamn rules.
She hung up the phone. God, how she hated this mess she'd gotten herself into, and she'd give up everything if she had to, just to make it stop. Except for Jessica.
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"