Line 49 (Chapter 21)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 7,324
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
- 24 -
Two more days floated by slowly, almost without allowing Yoona to notice them. She hid in her room most of the time, and though it helped her escape from most of her everyday life, she never really did manage to hide from the things she was trying to ignore. The increasingly dull but ever present ache in her heart and stomach. The look in Sungmin's eyes the last time they had seen each other. The memory of those last unanswered calls and texts, still not deleted, and the imagined chains of events that could have happened if Yoona hadn't been so selfish.
Her parents made various desperate attempts to make her get out of bed, sometimes just to talk, other times to sit down and watch television with them, but most of the time Yoona couldn't find the strength to use her legs. Yoona's mother made a habit of walking in without knocking and dragging her out from the sheets three times a day for a meal, having learned that just calling for her would do no good.
She kept her cellphone on her nightstand. Though she never contacted any of her friends, or even Seohyun, she made sure to read every text that came through; she wasn't going to make the same mistake again. The calls, however, she always dismissed. Yuri and Tiffany called and texted the most, several times a day, things like "we miss you in school, but take your time" and "you know I’m here for you if you want to talk, right?", and somewhere deep down she was in awe of their patience. She hoped they could hold on for a little while longer, because Yoona was sure she would come out of her mental coma eventually. She just wasn't sure when.
Seohyun had sent her a total of one text. A simple "are you okay?" on the night of the day they had found out about Sungmin's suicide. So how did she feel about it? Sad, disappointed, confused, frustrated? She supposed so, but somehow it lay so far buried beneath the rest of her sorrow that she could only feel it if she really wanted to. Which she didn't. She didn't want to know what was happening between them. If there was more grief to be felt, then it would have to wait. If something about the situation would make Seohyun break up with her, it would have to be later. Enough was enough.
Yoona was half asleep, dreaming of a bus driver who refused to let her board his bus, when Yuri, Tiffany and Taeyeon stepped in through her door. The soft knocks Yuri placed on it before entering didn't wake her up, her exhausted mind dismissing the sounds.
"Are you awake?"
"Yoona."
"She's not dead, is she?"
"Hey! Don't say stuff like that. Especially not now."
"Sorry."
Frustrated with the travelers on the bus for talking about her like she wasn't there, Yoona frowned. One of them placed a soft hand on her shoulder, and Yoona sat up straight in her bed, the last traces of sleep hurriedly escaping her mind.
"Yuri," she said in surprise, looking up at the owner of that soft hand. Over the older girl's shoulder, she saw Tiffany and Taeyeon standing beside her looking very nervous, and for a moment she remembered Seohyun confiding in her that Taeyeon liked Tiffany, but she shook the thought away. It wasn't welcome in her head right then, like a memory of happier times that would never come back. "Am I still dreaming?" Yoona asked, and Yuri smiled warmly at her.
"No, silly," she said, sitting down carefully at the side of Yoona's bed. "We came to see if you were breathing."
In her state of almost-sleep her mind seemed to have forgotten everything that had happened over the past few days, and the endless hours spent alone in her room came rushing back. Her eyes filled with tears again. "So how's it looking?" she asked with a wide, joyless grin that scared even herself.
"It's looking hopeful so far," Yuri replied, sympathy so clear in her eyes that it made Yoona's body ache. The older girl pulled her in for a tight a hug, which purpose only seemed to be to massacre Yoona's spine.
"Yeah, we just need to get you out of bed for a while," Tiffany added, stepping closer to the bed with Taeyeon standing insecurely in the background. "You can't just stay in here all day. You're gonna get bedsores."
"Hey, I get out of bed all the time," Yoona argued pathetically, letting the tears in her eyes escape into Yuri's hair.
"Your parents tell us differently," Tiffany said with a tilted smile.
Yoona snorted half-heartedly. "You shouldn't be talking to them. They're aliens in human disguise, sent here to spread lies and destroy my image." She gave a soft chuckle, leaning her head on Yuri's shoulder, enjoying the warmth of her embrace. It was so different from the warmth of her sheets and blankets, and different again from the warmth of Seohyun next to her, but it was exactly what she hadn't known she had needed.
Yuri pulled back to wipe the tears that had flown over Yoona's cheeks. "We're going over to Tiffany's," she said seriously, moving Yoona's messy bangs out of her face. "And we want you to come. We understand if you don't want to-"
"But we're not going to care," Tiffany cut in.
Yuri rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly to show that that wasn't the case. Yoona wondered if she really meant it. "We just think that some distraction would do you good."
Yoona looked over to Taeyeon, who nodded enthusiastically as soon as Yoona's eyes fell upon her. She wondered absent-mindedly how Tiffany had managed to persuade her to come along, and she felt sorry for her from how nervous she seemed. She smiled weakly. "And, you know - my place, land of the ice cream," Tiffany said, taking another step closer to the bed.
Sighing, Yoona gave Tiffany a tired look. "I don't think ice cream is going to help here, Tiffany."
"No," Tiffany agreed, nodding, "it won't change the past. But it will make you feel a little better about the present. And we can talk about what happened, if you want, or we can talk about something else, watch movies, play video games, whatever you want."
"Yeah, you know, you can bully Sooyoung, or you can join her as she bullies Sunny," Yuri added, tilting her head. Tiffany nodded behind her. "What do you say?"
Truth to be told, Yoona wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed for the rest of her life, but this was an argument in which Tiffany took part, and anyone who thought they were ever going to convince Tiffany once she'd set her mind to something, was in for a very bitter surprise. She nodded, but made sure to show them just how wary she was.
Tiffany hopped up to her and took her hands, pulling her out of bed. "Yay," she said quietly, "I'll drive you home afterwards, or you can stay the night, your call."
As much as Yoona disliked having to leave her safe fort of pillows and self-pity, she had to acknowledge that she had the best friends in the world. And she was thankful for their in-and-out-of-tact attempts to make her feel better, something she suspected she wouldn't again for a long time.
She shouldn't be outside, and she knew it. When she was that powerless, exhausted and unfocused, alone in the train station's crowded waiting room wasn't the best place to be, but after days of sitting alone in the shelter, she had forced herself to go outside. Not because she had anywhere in particular to go or anyone to see, as Shindong was the only friend she had in the whole world, but something needed to change. She couldn't stand just rotting away in her bed.
So, the train station was the only place she could think of going; the place where she had met Heechul and Hankyung by a lucky coincidence. It was lucky, wasn't it? Had she not met them, she could have been dead already. And maybe that was for the best.
She remembered the exact bench where they had sat down next to her on her first day in the city, but on this day it was already occupied by an old lady reading a newspaper and a slightly obese man in a suit who couldn't put his cell phone down for two seconds. Hyoyeon settled for the opposite bench while a bitter feeling of malice rose in her stomach.
No dirty-looking teenage runaways entered the waiting room this time, even though she waited in the hall for longer than she could count. There was a big clock on the wall, but she didn't pay it any attention. Time had no matter anymore. She didn't know what date it was. Probably somewhere half-way through September, she thought, which meant her birthday was coming up soon. Did Sooyoung remember it? Would she pay it any thought at all? Would it be too hard for her, or was Hyoyeon just flattering herself thinking that way? Did Sooyoung...
She stopped the thoughts before they could go too far, and leaned her head against the backrest of the bench. There was no point in thinking of any of those things. She would never see Sooyoung again in her life, so thinking about it would only drive her insane. Having her sanity intact until she died seemed important.
Her back was twisted in an uncomfortable angle, but she felt disconnected from the rest of her body, so it didn't bother her so much. Hours passed, and eventually both the old lady and the business man got up and left for whichever bus or train they were taking, but Hyoyeon couldn't care. She wanted to get up and take their place; she wasn't sure what she expected, but maybe there was something special about that spot, but she couldn't move. Her body was asleep, and her mind was only awake with a grey, sleepy haze. A mother and two kids arrived and sat down on what Hyoyeon wanted to call the 'miracle' bench, and Hyoyeon closed her eyes. She couldn't make it back to the shelter, or anywhere else for that matter, so maybe it was time to accept that her life was coming to an end. It could only get worse from there.
Her body started shaking, but she tried to pay it no attention. It was cold, but she knew that wasn't the reason for her trembles. How many days had it been since her last meal? She tried to remember, and as she did so, her mind slowly shut down on her.
Someone sat down next to her- well, that was probably a light way of putting it. Someone literally threw themselves down on the seat beside her with a loud thud, and Hyoyeon jerked back awake with a start. She opened her eyes and saw a boy about her age, perhaps a few years older, stuff his cell phone into his pocket with a very cross expression on his face. She wondered dimly what his problem was for a few seconds, but that was all the energy she could muster into caring, and she closed her eyes again, feeling sleep already clouding her mind again.
"Excuse me, miss."
Hyoyeon was still awake. Had she slept? Had she been conscious? She didn't know.
"Miss..."
There was a hand on her shoulder, shaking her carefully, and she pushed it away with as much force as she could summon.
"Are you alright?"
She opened her eyes, and the boy was still there, only now his eyes were wide and glassy and looking down at Hyoyeon with worry.
Hyoyeon grumbled. "I'm fine, I'm just tired." Even her tongue felt numb, she realized, and decided that whoever this guy was, she shouldn't speak to him.
"You don't look fine," the boy said, "you look... terrible."
Chuckling, Hyoyeon reached up a hand to clutch at her hair, still with her eyes closed. Only it wasn't so much hair anymore as it was two messy tangles of dirt. "Thanks," she slurred and let her hand drop again. Her cold knuckles hit the wood beneath her with a loud clang, but she couldn't feel the pain.
"I mean it," the boy continued. He was awfully persistent, but as soon as Hyoyeon closed her eyes it was easy to imagine he didn't really exist. "When was the last time you had something proper to eat?"
"That's... none of your business," Hyoyeon breathed.
"I'll take that to mean that you can't even remember it."
Hyoyeon laughed with her face still pressed against the backrest. That sanity that she had treasured so much only hours ago seemed to have disappeared without a trace, and she didn't care as much as she had thought she would. "Look, what do you want from me?" she asked without looking at him. "Can't you tell I'm not up for talking? How about we continue this conversation in another life, hmm?"
The boy fell silent, and within moments Hyoyeon was on the brink of sleep again, forgetting his existence and waiting to never wake up again. But then there was a slight pulling at her arm, and she jerked it back, opening her eyes. "Let me get you something to eat," the boy said, now standing in front of her.
Hyoyeon tried to scoff, but it came out more as a cough. So here was a boy, a man a few years older than her, who saw her when she was at her weakest, and he wanted her to go with him with a promise of food? Really? "Men," she said, shuffling on the bench to find her way back to her previous position. "You're all the same, aren't you?" She thought of Hankyung and Heechul, and thought except for the gay ones. Her inner demon of inappropriate humor laughed hysterically.
"What?" the boy said, looking slightly offended. "It's nothing like that. I'm worried for you."
"Yeah," Hyoyeon said, trying to keep her head up, "because all men are worried for girls they have never met before. Leave me alone, I'm busy dying right now."
The boy sat down on her other side. "Even if I was some sort of serial killer, you seem pretty set on getting yourself killed either way. So what does it matter if you let me buy you a meal?"
Hyoyeon glared at him. "I don't see how getting raped is going to help me right now."
Sighing, the boy looked around. "We'll just go over there, to McDonald's," he said, pointing towards the same restaurant that Hyoyeon had taken Heechul and Hankyung to on their first day together.
She shook her head slowly. "I wouldn't be able to swallow any of that stuff."
"So a sandwich then," he continued, now pointing at a café right next to the big yellow M. "Just... let me help you. Please."
Hyoyeon felt as though her last piece of energy went into keeping her eyes open. Why did help always come when she didn't want it? Of course, she couldn't be sure that this boy was as innocent as he looked with his black hair, kind eyes and dimples, but his suggestions were safe for now. As long as she kept track of what he did with her food before she ate it, it should be okay - maybe he would get less innocent ideas once he had fulfilled his first promise, but that was a later problem, wasn't it? She looked up at him, and he seemed hopeful. She sighed. Or tried to. "Why? Don't you have anything better to do?"
"I don't," he said. "You'd be doing me a favor. I'm supposed to be meeting my parents, you see, but their train is delayed. I'm in desperate need of some company."
Hyoyeon gave up. "I'll go with you... if you tell me exactly what you mean by 'company'."
The boy grinned. "I don't usually come to a place like this to pick up girls. Don't worry."
They made it into the café, and Hyoyeon very reluctantly draped her arm over the boy's shoulders as he steadied her when they walked together. The café was filled with people, which comforted her slightly, even though it probably wouldn't matter if there were witnesses to their time together since no one even knew she was there. She declined to tell him her name but found out that his was Siwon, and once she started really listening to him she could tell by his accent that he was from somewhere far north. A little curious, she wanted to ask him how he had ended up in 'her' city, but she didn't dare.
Siwon brought her a glass of water and a huge sandwich, while Siwon himself sat back sipping on a cup of coffee. Hyoyeon eyed the sandwich very suspiciously, while Siwon watched her with mild amusement. "Even if I somehow managed to poison your food on the walk from the counter over here without you noticing," he said pointedly, "I don't think you'd be able to tell from just looking at it." Hyoyeon glared at him, and brought the bread up to her nose, smelling it cautiously. Siwon chuckled. "That's better."
Deciding that Siwon was right - he wouldn't have been able to poison it while Hyoyeon was watching - she threw caution to the wind and dug into her sandwich. The first bites were difficult, like trying to eat sand, and she had to pause several times to stop herself from gagging, but the taste was alright. Like she could barely even feel it. It was a slow experience, and though food was what she needed the most, it wasn't a very pleasant one either. Siwon seemed satisfied but didn't say much; he drank his coffee and let Hyoyeon take her time while he looked around at the other people in the café with a soft smile on his lips.
As Hyoyeon managed to get more and more food down and her brain cells that had all seemed to be on vacation somewhere appeared to return to her head one by one. She realized that Siwon was a ridiculously good-looking man, and if she had swung that way she would probably have been weak in the knees right then. She also noted that girls around the café were giving him appreciative looks, which amused her.
Her insanity seemed intact still, but it was threatened by an overwhelming rise of emotions in Hyoyeon's chest, emotions that had all seemed to be frozen somewhere during her lonely days.
"I... Thank you," she said once she had finished the sandwich.
Siwon waved his hands at her in a "don't mention it" sort of manner. "Do you want some more?"
Hyoyeon shook her head. "I feel full."
"I doubt that, though."
"Maybe, but you've already done enough," Hyoyeon said, suddenly feeling guilty about mooching off of a stranger's money.
"Really, it's no problem," Siwon said, standing up. "I'll get you another one."
"Please," Hyoyeon said, already on her way to hysterics. "Just... sit down for a bit."
Siwon looked at her almost suspiciously, but eventually did as he was told. Once he was seated, he looked at her carefully, holding the cup of the remaining cold coffee tightly in his hands.
"Why did you insist on helping me?" she asked after a few moments of hesitation.
Siwon pursed his lips. "You needed food. I have more money than I have use for. It just makes sense."
"But it doesn't make sense," Hyoyeon argued, but Siwon just shrugged.
"I don't see why I shouldn't help people if I get the chance." They exchanged careful smiles, and Siwon finally emptied the cup of its contents. "How did you end up here?" he then asked. "Did you live here?"
"No," Hyoyeon said, staring down at the table. "Lucky coincidence."
"Lucky?" Siwon questioned.
"There's a shelter here. For homeless people." She looked up at him carefully to see his reaction.
Siwon nodded. "Ah, yes, I've heard of that. Is it alright?"
"It's okay. Showers would be nice," she said almost apologetically, touching her dirty hair again. Siwon laughed. "How about you?" Hyoyeon said after a second of mustering up her courage.
"What about me?"
"How did you end up here? You sound like you're... not from here."
"Damn," Siwon said with a slight laugh. "I need to get rid of my accent." Hyoyeon smiled tiredly. "No, the reason why I'm here is... it's a little embarrassing, but I'd like to be a singer one day." Hyoyeon nodded, clearly seeing for her inner eye how Siwon would be the hero of many teenage girls' lives. "Everyone I talked to kept telling me this city has the best musical education in the country, so here I am."
"That's cool," Hyoyeon said, and for the shortest of moments she ached to live out that same dream. And she wanted to tell Sooyoung about it, too, to come to her city and study music. The thought alone was like a punch in the stomach, and she suddenly wondered what the hell she was doing, sitting at a café talking to an unknown boy about normal life things. "I should probably get back to the shelter," she said, stretching. Her legs felt a little shaky, but definitely better than before. "The only reason I was here was because I didn't have energy to go home."
Siwon gestured for her to stay seated. "Let me buy you some more food, okay? As a thank you for keeping me company when I needed it." He smiled at her, but Hyoyeon shook her head.
"I don't understand you," she said. "Even if you get me something to eat now, it's going to run out eventually. It'll be the same thing over again, and there's nothing I can do about it."
"We might meet again," Siwon laughed. "You never know. There's always time for miracles."
Hyoyeon wanted to believe it, and seeing it as it seemed like the people she needed had appeared in her life just when she needed them, maybe she should believe in it. But she wasn't sure she couldn't. The only thing Siwon's help changed was the time when her life would end. The difference between Now and Two Weeks from Now. "Okay," she said, giving in. "Thank you."
"It's no problem."
"I'm sorry for being... so rude to you earlier," she said, rubbing her hands together guiltily.
Siwon just shook his head. "Don't mention it. You had your reasons." The two sat looking at each other, Siwon smiling while Hyoyeon just couldn't bring herself to. The café was slowly emptied of people as time was ticking by, and Hyoyeon realized it must have been getting late. "So, let's find a store then, shall we?" Siwon said, standing up. "Unless there's anything else I can do for you?"
Hyoyeon stood up too, staring at his shoes and feeling an idea forming in her mind, something that took her breath away. "Well... there is one thing you could do."
Siwon waited, looking back at her expectantly from the other side of the table. "What is it?"
"I had this..." Hyoyeon tried, looking around in search of the right words, "...friend. She's probably really worried about me, and it drives me crazy knowing... what I put her through." Her throat threatened to close up, but she cleared her throat and hurried on. "Her name is Sooyoung, and I'd -"
"Hold on," Siwon interrupted her. "Did you say Sooyoung?"
Hyoyeon stared into his eyes, which were widening into big, comically round globes. "Yes?" she said, suddenly feeling so nervous for some reason, and the way Siwon was eyeing her so intensely didn't help.
Siwon exhaled. "You're not... Hyoyeon, are you?"
"On second thought, maybe I shouldn't come along," Yuri said when they arrived at Tiffany's front door.
"What?" Yoona said in disbelief. "You can't drag me out of bed to do something and then not tag along."
"I know," Yuri said, looking guilty and pained as the four stopped, Tiffany with her hand on the door handle. "It's just that... Jessica is here."
Yoona almost jerked back in surprise at the reply. She looked around at Tiffany and Taeyeon, but neither of them seemed to be as shocked as she felt. "Uh-huh," she said, staring at Yuri as if she was out of her mind, "and since when do you not jump at the opportunity of seeing her?" Yuri looked away from her friend's face, sadness decorating her features. A surge of realization shot through Yoona's stomach. "You guys didn't break up, did you?"
"Not yet," Yuri said, shaking her head. "But soon."
Yoona shook her head too, unable to get words of comfort out. In the six years she had known Yuri, Jessica had been around for four of them, and it seemed insane to think they would throw away all the years of facing and overcoming hardships together. "I... what happened?"
Yuri sighed. "She's mad at me for not being around much lately. She... thinks I've been ignoring her."
Yoona could see that Yuri was close to tears, something that seemed to twist and bend her own touch with reality. Yuri hardly ever cried; in fact, thinking back, Yoona had only seen it a maximum of three times in six years, and on those rare occasions it had seemed like a tropical rain shower. Heavy, from a clear sky, and over fast. "Yul, I'm so sorry," she said, putting a hand on the older girl's shoulder, unable to think of anything else to say. Last time she had checked in on them, they had seemed perfectly fine, hadn't they? Had there been no warning signs at all? That was the thing about staying in your bed to cry over your messed up life, she thought; you could never know when someone else's life would take the same turn as yours. And you won’t be there to comfort them.
More guilt stabbed upwards through her chest, and in her exhaustion she tried to hold it down.
"Nothing will become better from you two avoiding each other," Tiffany said, taking Yuri's hand in hers. "You need to talk. And no matter how this turns out, you need to be able to be in the same room as each other. I'm not letting either of you go. Okay?"
Yuri smiled sadly at her. "I guess we'll see."
Tiffany pushed the door open and pulled Yuri through it before the other had a chance to protest anymore, and Yoona followed them with Taeyeon silently by her side. She didn't know if it was because they were alone together or something else, but even Taeyeon looked depressed that day. Yoona's selfishness lay like a wall of barbed wire around her conscience; how could she have neglected her friends like this? After what happened to Sungmin? Had she learned nothing?
Tiffany, Taeyeon and Yuri walked into the living room immediately, where Yoona assumed the other girls were. She lagged back, removing her shoes and trying to prepare herself for the stream of questions that would probably come at her that day. When she had put her shoes away, she was about to stand up when she noticed Seohyun standing a couple of meters away, eyeing her carefully.
"Hi," Yoona said in surprise, confused as to what she was feeling, seeing her.
"Hello," Seohyun said back. The words she had spoken on that last Sunday morning seemed to replay in Yoona's head, I'm so lucky to have found you, but it seemed like from another lifetime. A dream. The girl who had said those things to her only a few days ago had ran away when Yoona really needed help, but hadn't known how to ask for it. She hesitated.
"How are you?" she asked then, feeling almost sarcastic.
Seohyun caught on. "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
"Yeah, well," Yoona replied, lips quivering with everything she wanted to say. Why didn't you call me, why didn't you check if I was okay when I didn't come to school, she wanted to ask, but she was overwhelmed with the sudden feeling that she didn't deserve to question Seohyun's actions. "I'm great, you know, as I'm sure you understand," she said, definitely sarcastically this time.
Seohyun looked away, expression unreadable. She showed no signs of wanting to come near Yoona, to give her a hug or kiss her, and then it dawned on Yoona. Seohyun knew her better than anyone, already, and she had opened herself up to her in ways she hadn't before. She knew how Yoona worked, how she thought, and that must be the reason, Yoona supposed. She knows now what a horrible person I am.
Feeling a familiar pulling in her throat, she walked past Seohyun and into the living room. She was not going to cry already.
She was surprised to find that none of the girls treated her any differently than before. They all greeted her from their places on the couch, and not all of them watched her with the kind of deer eyes that her mother had made a permanent thing over the last few days. It relieved her greatly.
Sooyoung pulled her down beside her on the couch, pulling her into a bone-cracking hug, but she didn't say anything, not even when Yoona's eyes teared. She assumed it had something to do with that out of everyone in the room, Sooyoung was the one who had the most similar experiences to her. The thought of Hyoyeon made something pinch horribly in her heart again, and she just buried her head in Sooyoung's shoulder, enjoying the warmth that flowed from the embrace.
The atmosphere was the same as always, and so was the bickering, in particular between Sooyoung and Sunny. It comforted Yoona, knowing that some things didn't change. She was glad that Yuri was there, too, even though she had to admit that seeing her and Jessica sit on opposite ends of the couch, not looking at each other, was horrible.
They watched a movie together, during which Taeyeon and Sunny bickered almost endlessly. Yoona didn't know why, but it comforted her to the extent that tears of relief welled up in her eyes and spilled over her cheeks, relief over getting out of the horrible sea of grief that had become her home, relief over seeing that there were still people in this world who knew her and didn't hate her for what she had done.
But then again, they didn't know the whole story.
Sooyoung wiped Yoona’s tears away as soon as they fell, without a word. Nobody asked why she was crying. They thought they knew, Yoona assumed, but they didn't. And Yoona would never be able to accept their comfort if they didn't.
So when the movie ended, she sat up, broke out of Sooyoung's embrace and took a deep breath. "He... he asked me for help, you know," she said, careful but determined. Taeyeon silently lifted the remote to mute the television, but let the credits keep rolling down the screen.
"What do you mean?" Tiffany asked.
"On the night that Sungmin... committed suicide," Yoona said quietly, "he called me. Five times. And I never picked up."
The girls seemed to hesitate, all with their eyes locked at the television. "You were busy," Jessica tried.
"But he wasn't," Yoona argued. "Never too busy to... feel like he did."
A moment of uncomfortable shuffling went through the room as they all tried to understand Sungmin's situation. "I know you won't agree..." Yuri said, "but none of this was your fault, Yoona. You couldn't have known."
"But I did," Yoona said, tears spilling over her cheeks again. This time, Sooyoung did nothing to wipe them away. "And if I had just answered one of those calls..."
"And if those bullies could have just kept their mouth shut and left him alone..." Sooyoung interrupted, smiling sadly at Yoona. "You are not what made his life a living hell."
"She's right," Tiffany chimed in, "it was them. It wasn't one person, but more than we can count, so how can one person be expected to fix his life?"
Yoona sighed, feeling the knot of guilt twist inside her, the sharp edges cutting into her flesh. "I could have done more. I could have involved teachers... Only I didn't dare, because I thought Sungmin would hate me if I did." Her voice broke, and Sooyoung's hand found her back. "I was so selfish."
Tiffany leaned back on the couch, apparently not knowing what to say. Yoona realized she probably still felt guilty about not helping Hyoyeon while she had the chance, and guilty tears dripped onto Yoona's lap.
"These things are easier said than done," Yuri said, shifting her gaze between Yoona and Tiffany. "Of course you didn't want him to hate you. Who would? The important thing is that you did everything you could to help him when you were in school."
"Except for when it really mattered," Yoona said softly, unable to face the other girls. She closed her eyes.
Nobody said anything for a while, and the movie credits ended and the cheery DVD menu started playing over and over. "Maybe it was a mistake not telling anybody," Yuri said carefully. "But it's a hard situation, an easy mistake to do."
"Agreed," Sooyoung said quietly, nodding. Yoona wanted to lean her head on her shoulder, try and comfort her, but didn't feel like she deserved to do so.
"You need something... like this to happen before you get the perspective," Tiffany said, "and we all make mistakes. It's just that some mistakes have more horrible consequences than others. It doesn't make you a bad person."
Yoona took a deep breath, opened her eyes and stared at the happy colors on the television, trying to prepare herself for telling her friends what she considered to be the most shameful thing she had done in her life. "Last Friday night..." she began, hearing her voice quiver but not caring, "Seohyun made me realize my mistake." Seohyun immediately turned her head and looked at her, and for a second Yoona was sure she could see fear in her eyes. "She told me I needed to tell someone, and I finally got it. I was going to... talk to our teachers this week."
Sooyoung took her hand and squeezed it tightly. Yoona thought Seohyun was going to say something, but then the youngest got up off the couch and stormed into the hallway, the slamming of the bathroom door echoing.
The rest of the girls looked from the doorway to Yoona, none of them understanding what was happening, and Yoona brought up her free hand to her eyes, covering them as she cried openly. Sooyoung pulled her into a hug again, stroking her back reassuringly. "He... texted me but Seohyun and I decided to have a phone free weekend, and that I would get Sungmin help on the Monday," she cried, her body shaking in Sooyoung's hold. She remembered the strength she had felt, the pure happiness and relief that everything was going to be okay, and it seemed to take her over the edge. Loud sobs escaped her lips, and she panted for breath with inhales heavy enough to rip and tear at her throat until she thought she was going to vomit.
Sunny got up from the couch, threw Yoona a sad look before walking out of the room to follow Seohyun.
"Shh," Sooyoung cooed, and Taeyeon put her hand on Yoona's back from her other side. "It's not your fault. You didn't know."
"But I should have," Yoona choked out between sobs. "I should have."
Suddenly Tiffany was there, almost pressed against Taeyeon, her too with her hands on Yoona's back and arms. "You couldn't have. You're only human," she said. "Wherever Sungmin is now, he knows why you didn't answer his calls that night. He knows that you regret it."
"But he's gone," Yoona mustered, pulling herself out of Sooyoung's grip and turning around to face Tiffany. "He's gone, and I will never know if he hated me that last night."
"He doesn't hate you," Tiffany said, putting her arms around Yoona now. Yoona's back protested loudly at the uncomfortable position, but she let Tiffany hold her, and she let herself keep crying. "You were not what was wrong in his life. He thought he needed you that night, but what he really needed was true help. Professional help."
Yoona let the words try to sink in, and kept crying as Tiffany, Taeyeon and Sooyoung held her tightly in a combined hug. She didn't know what to believe. Yes, the words made sense to her in some part of her brain, but they still felt unacceptable. Sungmin had killed himself because she wasn't there when he needed her, how dare she think anything else? How dare she disrespect his memory that way? Still, with Tiffany's words she could pretend some of the things she wished she hadn't done never happened, so she repeated the words to herself over and over again as they held her, swaying from side to side, until her tears finally slowed down.
Sunny came back into the room looking extremely dejected. "How is she?" Jessica asked her, but she shook her head.
"She won't let me in. She won't talk to me."
The girls eased their hold on Yoona and sat up straight to look at Sunny, who sank down beside Jessica. "Has she talked to you about what happened?" Tiffany asked, and Sunny shook her head again.
"I had no idea."
Yoona stood up and started walking out of the room, but Yuri grabbed her hand as she walked by. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked pointedly. Yoona pulled her hand away.
"She needs to talk to someone," she said and kept walking. Her eyes were tired, her skin felt stiff from all the tears, and she was tired, more tired than she suspected she had ever been, but maybe Seohyun was, too. She stopped outside the bathroom door, knocking carelessly. "Seohyun, it's me. Let me in." No sound came from the room for a moment, but then the lock clicked and the door opened a few centimeters. Yoona stepped inside and locked the door behind her.
Seohyun stood in front of the mirror. She wasn't crying like Yoona had thought, but she looked tired. Dead tired. Almost as tired as Yoona herself felt. Yoona pushed her way past her, closed the lid on the toilet and sat down. "Why didn't you let Sunny in?" she asked, and Seohyun stared down into the sink. "Why didn't you tell her what happened?"
Seohyun shook her head. "I couldn't," she whispered, not lifting her gaze.
"Why not?"
"I..." the youngest tried, the words sticking to her throat. Still no tears were visible. "I was too ashamed."
Yoona had to stop herself from snorting. "Of what? Of being with me? I was the one who caused all this, not you. It was all my idea." Her own tears had stopped flowing too, and she realized she suddenly felt more angry than sad. Who she was angry with, though, was a whole other question.
"But I agreed to it," Seohyun said, still not looking at Yoona. "If I had not been there, maybe you would have answered his calls."
"Look at me," Yoona said, a little louder than she would have needed to. Seohyun jerked back and forced her tired, unfocused gaze on Yoona. "Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you check in on me these last few days?" The older of the two asked before she could stop herself. "I really needed you. Didn't you care?"
Seohyun immediately looked away again, and Yoona's skin boiled with anger. "I care," Seohyun said, still in the same quiet tone. "But I... couldn't stand it."
"Couldn't stand what?" Yoona demanded. There was a pause, and then Seohyun fixed her gaze on Yoona's knees - an improvement, in Yoona's eyes.
"Every time I think of you... I think of Sungmin. I think of what we did." Yoona's heart ached. "Going on like nothing had happened... feels disrespectful to him."
Yoona understood where Seohyun was going, even though she didn't want to. "Sungmin is dead," she said before she could stop herself. "He's not here anymore, because of something that I did. How is anything I do in my life ever again going to be respectful to him?" The tears were back, but Yoona almost didn't notice them. How many tears could a human produce in one day, she wondered dimly. "Why does it even matter? He's gone now. We don't know how he would feel about this, and we never will."
Seohyun gave a soft sigh, and finally looked into Yoona's eyes. "Everything has its place and time," she said slowly, "and ours... is not right now."
Yoona's vision seemed to blur out of sheer heartache. "Are you... ending it with me?" she mustered. Sure, she was, for some ungodly reason, angry at Seohyun right at that moment, but she still remembered their short-lived happiness and how much she craved it. She needed Seohyun by her side.
The youngest hesitated again. "All you are to me right now is guilt," she whispered. "I have to get past that somehow."
Yoona shook her head. "No," she breathed, "how can you do this to me now? After what I've just been through?"
"I can't pretend that I am alright," Seohyun replied, hands gripping the sink until her knuckles turned white. "I can’t be with you like this."
For the second time that day, Yoona couldn't breathe. She buried her face in her hands and leaned forward, feeling the tears pool in the palm of her hands. Everything she was feeling, all the pain, loss and guilt, piled up until she couldn't feel the outside world anymore. Seohyun wasn't there. She wasn't at Tiffany's anymore, her friends were not sitting outside, waiting impatiently to know what was going on, she wasn't herself, and she was glad for it.
"I'm going to go home," she heard a faceless voice say. "I'm sorry." There was a click, something that registered in the back of her mind as a door shutting, and then there was silence again, wonderful silence, in which she didn't need to exist, where her heart could be nothing but an empty space, where there was no love, and therefore no grief.
She was pulled up by the arms and dragged forward, words being spoken to her that she couldn't make out, words she didn't want to understand, and then she fell, landing on something unknown, maybe clouds? Clouds would be good. There would be no one there to leave her, no one there to break her heart, no one there to have expectations on her that she could not live up to.
But then she opened her eyes and she was on Tiffany's couch, with Yuri standing above her, holding onto her arms. "I'm so sorry," she said, and then Yoona remembered, of course, Seohyun had broken up with her already and Sungmin was gone once and for all, and both of those horrors came from her own selfishness.
Yuri hugged her, and she was thrown back from the line of insanity, watching it drift further away as she remembered who she was. The pain lessened, but she couldn't breathe, her hair was wet with tears, and Seohyun and Sungmin both remained gone.
A/N: Chapter 21, AKA the reason why I kept making Sooyoung nag about Siwon in the earlier chapters... haha, do you guys remember? I hope so~
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 7,324
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
- 24 -
Two more days floated by slowly, almost without allowing Yoona to notice them. She hid in her room most of the time, and though it helped her escape from most of her everyday life, she never really did manage to hide from the things she was trying to ignore. The increasingly dull but ever present ache in her heart and stomach. The look in Sungmin's eyes the last time they had seen each other. The memory of those last unanswered calls and texts, still not deleted, and the imagined chains of events that could have happened if Yoona hadn't been so selfish.
Her parents made various desperate attempts to make her get out of bed, sometimes just to talk, other times to sit down and watch television with them, but most of the time Yoona couldn't find the strength to use her legs. Yoona's mother made a habit of walking in without knocking and dragging her out from the sheets three times a day for a meal, having learned that just calling for her would do no good.
She kept her cellphone on her nightstand. Though she never contacted any of her friends, or even Seohyun, she made sure to read every text that came through; she wasn't going to make the same mistake again. The calls, however, she always dismissed. Yuri and Tiffany called and texted the most, several times a day, things like "we miss you in school, but take your time" and "you know I’m here for you if you want to talk, right?", and somewhere deep down she was in awe of their patience. She hoped they could hold on for a little while longer, because Yoona was sure she would come out of her mental coma eventually. She just wasn't sure when.
Seohyun had sent her a total of one text. A simple "are you okay?" on the night of the day they had found out about Sungmin's suicide. So how did she feel about it? Sad, disappointed, confused, frustrated? She supposed so, but somehow it lay so far buried beneath the rest of her sorrow that she could only feel it if she really wanted to. Which she didn't. She didn't want to know what was happening between them. If there was more grief to be felt, then it would have to wait. If something about the situation would make Seohyun break up with her, it would have to be later. Enough was enough.
Yoona was half asleep, dreaming of a bus driver who refused to let her board his bus, when Yuri, Tiffany and Taeyeon stepped in through her door. The soft knocks Yuri placed on it before entering didn't wake her up, her exhausted mind dismissing the sounds.
"Are you awake?"
"Yoona."
"She's not dead, is she?"
"Hey! Don't say stuff like that. Especially not now."
"Sorry."
Frustrated with the travelers on the bus for talking about her like she wasn't there, Yoona frowned. One of them placed a soft hand on her shoulder, and Yoona sat up straight in her bed, the last traces of sleep hurriedly escaping her mind.
"Yuri," she said in surprise, looking up at the owner of that soft hand. Over the older girl's shoulder, she saw Tiffany and Taeyeon standing beside her looking very nervous, and for a moment she remembered Seohyun confiding in her that Taeyeon liked Tiffany, but she shook the thought away. It wasn't welcome in her head right then, like a memory of happier times that would never come back. "Am I still dreaming?" Yoona asked, and Yuri smiled warmly at her.
"No, silly," she said, sitting down carefully at the side of Yoona's bed. "We came to see if you were breathing."
In her state of almost-sleep her mind seemed to have forgotten everything that had happened over the past few days, and the endless hours spent alone in her room came rushing back. Her eyes filled with tears again. "So how's it looking?" she asked with a wide, joyless grin that scared even herself.
"It's looking hopeful so far," Yuri replied, sympathy so clear in her eyes that it made Yoona's body ache. The older girl pulled her in for a tight a hug, which purpose only seemed to be to massacre Yoona's spine.
"Yeah, we just need to get you out of bed for a while," Tiffany added, stepping closer to the bed with Taeyeon standing insecurely in the background. "You can't just stay in here all day. You're gonna get bedsores."
"Hey, I get out of bed all the time," Yoona argued pathetically, letting the tears in her eyes escape into Yuri's hair.
"Your parents tell us differently," Tiffany said with a tilted smile.
Yoona snorted half-heartedly. "You shouldn't be talking to them. They're aliens in human disguise, sent here to spread lies and destroy my image." She gave a soft chuckle, leaning her head on Yuri's shoulder, enjoying the warmth of her embrace. It was so different from the warmth of her sheets and blankets, and different again from the warmth of Seohyun next to her, but it was exactly what she hadn't known she had needed.
Yuri pulled back to wipe the tears that had flown over Yoona's cheeks. "We're going over to Tiffany's," she said seriously, moving Yoona's messy bangs out of her face. "And we want you to come. We understand if you don't want to-"
"But we're not going to care," Tiffany cut in.
Yuri rolled her eyes and shook her head slightly to show that that wasn't the case. Yoona wondered if she really meant it. "We just think that some distraction would do you good."
Yoona looked over to Taeyeon, who nodded enthusiastically as soon as Yoona's eyes fell upon her. She wondered absent-mindedly how Tiffany had managed to persuade her to come along, and she felt sorry for her from how nervous she seemed. She smiled weakly. "And, you know - my place, land of the ice cream," Tiffany said, taking another step closer to the bed.
Sighing, Yoona gave Tiffany a tired look. "I don't think ice cream is going to help here, Tiffany."
"No," Tiffany agreed, nodding, "it won't change the past. But it will make you feel a little better about the present. And we can talk about what happened, if you want, or we can talk about something else, watch movies, play video games, whatever you want."
"Yeah, you know, you can bully Sooyoung, or you can join her as she bullies Sunny," Yuri added, tilting her head. Tiffany nodded behind her. "What do you say?"
Truth to be told, Yoona wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed for the rest of her life, but this was an argument in which Tiffany took part, and anyone who thought they were ever going to convince Tiffany once she'd set her mind to something, was in for a very bitter surprise. She nodded, but made sure to show them just how wary she was.
Tiffany hopped up to her and took her hands, pulling her out of bed. "Yay," she said quietly, "I'll drive you home afterwards, or you can stay the night, your call."
As much as Yoona disliked having to leave her safe fort of pillows and self-pity, she had to acknowledge that she had the best friends in the world. And she was thankful for their in-and-out-of-tact attempts to make her feel better, something she suspected she wouldn't again for a long time.
She shouldn't be outside, and she knew it. When she was that powerless, exhausted and unfocused, alone in the train station's crowded waiting room wasn't the best place to be, but after days of sitting alone in the shelter, she had forced herself to go outside. Not because she had anywhere in particular to go or anyone to see, as Shindong was the only friend she had in the whole world, but something needed to change. She couldn't stand just rotting away in her bed.
So, the train station was the only place she could think of going; the place where she had met Heechul and Hankyung by a lucky coincidence. It was lucky, wasn't it? Had she not met them, she could have been dead already. And maybe that was for the best.
She remembered the exact bench where they had sat down next to her on her first day in the city, but on this day it was already occupied by an old lady reading a newspaper and a slightly obese man in a suit who couldn't put his cell phone down for two seconds. Hyoyeon settled for the opposite bench while a bitter feeling of malice rose in her stomach.
No dirty-looking teenage runaways entered the waiting room this time, even though she waited in the hall for longer than she could count. There was a big clock on the wall, but she didn't pay it any attention. Time had no matter anymore. She didn't know what date it was. Probably somewhere half-way through September, she thought, which meant her birthday was coming up soon. Did Sooyoung remember it? Would she pay it any thought at all? Would it be too hard for her, or was Hyoyeon just flattering herself thinking that way? Did Sooyoung...
She stopped the thoughts before they could go too far, and leaned her head against the backrest of the bench. There was no point in thinking of any of those things. She would never see Sooyoung again in her life, so thinking about it would only drive her insane. Having her sanity intact until she died seemed important.
Her back was twisted in an uncomfortable angle, but she felt disconnected from the rest of her body, so it didn't bother her so much. Hours passed, and eventually both the old lady and the business man got up and left for whichever bus or train they were taking, but Hyoyeon couldn't care. She wanted to get up and take their place; she wasn't sure what she expected, but maybe there was something special about that spot, but she couldn't move. Her body was asleep, and her mind was only awake with a grey, sleepy haze. A mother and two kids arrived and sat down on what Hyoyeon wanted to call the 'miracle' bench, and Hyoyeon closed her eyes. She couldn't make it back to the shelter, or anywhere else for that matter, so maybe it was time to accept that her life was coming to an end. It could only get worse from there.
Her body started shaking, but she tried to pay it no attention. It was cold, but she knew that wasn't the reason for her trembles. How many days had it been since her last meal? She tried to remember, and as she did so, her mind slowly shut down on her.
Someone sat down next to her- well, that was probably a light way of putting it. Someone literally threw themselves down on the seat beside her with a loud thud, and Hyoyeon jerked back awake with a start. She opened her eyes and saw a boy about her age, perhaps a few years older, stuff his cell phone into his pocket with a very cross expression on his face. She wondered dimly what his problem was for a few seconds, but that was all the energy she could muster into caring, and she closed her eyes again, feeling sleep already clouding her mind again.
"Excuse me, miss."
Hyoyeon was still awake. Had she slept? Had she been conscious? She didn't know.
"Miss..."
There was a hand on her shoulder, shaking her carefully, and she pushed it away with as much force as she could summon.
"Are you alright?"
She opened her eyes, and the boy was still there, only now his eyes were wide and glassy and looking down at Hyoyeon with worry.
Hyoyeon grumbled. "I'm fine, I'm just tired." Even her tongue felt numb, she realized, and decided that whoever this guy was, she shouldn't speak to him.
"You don't look fine," the boy said, "you look... terrible."
Chuckling, Hyoyeon reached up a hand to clutch at her hair, still with her eyes closed. Only it wasn't so much hair anymore as it was two messy tangles of dirt. "Thanks," she slurred and let her hand drop again. Her cold knuckles hit the wood beneath her with a loud clang, but she couldn't feel the pain.
"I mean it," the boy continued. He was awfully persistent, but as soon as Hyoyeon closed her eyes it was easy to imagine he didn't really exist. "When was the last time you had something proper to eat?"
"That's... none of your business," Hyoyeon breathed.
"I'll take that to mean that you can't even remember it."
Hyoyeon laughed with her face still pressed against the backrest. That sanity that she had treasured so much only hours ago seemed to have disappeared without a trace, and she didn't care as much as she had thought she would. "Look, what do you want from me?" she asked without looking at him. "Can't you tell I'm not up for talking? How about we continue this conversation in another life, hmm?"
The boy fell silent, and within moments Hyoyeon was on the brink of sleep again, forgetting his existence and waiting to never wake up again. But then there was a slight pulling at her arm, and she jerked it back, opening her eyes. "Let me get you something to eat," the boy said, now standing in front of her.
Hyoyeon tried to scoff, but it came out more as a cough. So here was a boy, a man a few years older than her, who saw her when she was at her weakest, and he wanted her to go with him with a promise of food? Really? "Men," she said, shuffling on the bench to find her way back to her previous position. "You're all the same, aren't you?" She thought of Hankyung and Heechul, and thought except for the gay ones. Her inner demon of inappropriate humor laughed hysterically.
"What?" the boy said, looking slightly offended. "It's nothing like that. I'm worried for you."
"Yeah," Hyoyeon said, trying to keep her head up, "because all men are worried for girls they have never met before. Leave me alone, I'm busy dying right now."
The boy sat down on her other side. "Even if I was some sort of serial killer, you seem pretty set on getting yourself killed either way. So what does it matter if you let me buy you a meal?"
Hyoyeon glared at him. "I don't see how getting raped is going to help me right now."
Sighing, the boy looked around. "We'll just go over there, to McDonald's," he said, pointing towards the same restaurant that Hyoyeon had taken Heechul and Hankyung to on their first day together.
She shook her head slowly. "I wouldn't be able to swallow any of that stuff."
"So a sandwich then," he continued, now pointing at a café right next to the big yellow M. "Just... let me help you. Please."
Hyoyeon felt as though her last piece of energy went into keeping her eyes open. Why did help always come when she didn't want it? Of course, she couldn't be sure that this boy was as innocent as he looked with his black hair, kind eyes and dimples, but his suggestions were safe for now. As long as she kept track of what he did with her food before she ate it, it should be okay - maybe he would get less innocent ideas once he had fulfilled his first promise, but that was a later problem, wasn't it? She looked up at him, and he seemed hopeful. She sighed. Or tried to. "Why? Don't you have anything better to do?"
"I don't," he said. "You'd be doing me a favor. I'm supposed to be meeting my parents, you see, but their train is delayed. I'm in desperate need of some company."
Hyoyeon gave up. "I'll go with you... if you tell me exactly what you mean by 'company'."
The boy grinned. "I don't usually come to a place like this to pick up girls. Don't worry."
They made it into the café, and Hyoyeon very reluctantly draped her arm over the boy's shoulders as he steadied her when they walked together. The café was filled with people, which comforted her slightly, even though it probably wouldn't matter if there were witnesses to their time together since no one even knew she was there. She declined to tell him her name but found out that his was Siwon, and once she started really listening to him she could tell by his accent that he was from somewhere far north. A little curious, she wanted to ask him how he had ended up in 'her' city, but she didn't dare.
Siwon brought her a glass of water and a huge sandwich, while Siwon himself sat back sipping on a cup of coffee. Hyoyeon eyed the sandwich very suspiciously, while Siwon watched her with mild amusement. "Even if I somehow managed to poison your food on the walk from the counter over here without you noticing," he said pointedly, "I don't think you'd be able to tell from just looking at it." Hyoyeon glared at him, and brought the bread up to her nose, smelling it cautiously. Siwon chuckled. "That's better."
Deciding that Siwon was right - he wouldn't have been able to poison it while Hyoyeon was watching - she threw caution to the wind and dug into her sandwich. The first bites were difficult, like trying to eat sand, and she had to pause several times to stop herself from gagging, but the taste was alright. Like she could barely even feel it. It was a slow experience, and though food was what she needed the most, it wasn't a very pleasant one either. Siwon seemed satisfied but didn't say much; he drank his coffee and let Hyoyeon take her time while he looked around at the other people in the café with a soft smile on his lips.
As Hyoyeon managed to get more and more food down and her brain cells that had all seemed to be on vacation somewhere appeared to return to her head one by one. She realized that Siwon was a ridiculously good-looking man, and if she had swung that way she would probably have been weak in the knees right then. She also noted that girls around the café were giving him appreciative looks, which amused her.
Her insanity seemed intact still, but it was threatened by an overwhelming rise of emotions in Hyoyeon's chest, emotions that had all seemed to be frozen somewhere during her lonely days.
"I... Thank you," she said once she had finished the sandwich.
Siwon waved his hands at her in a "don't mention it" sort of manner. "Do you want some more?"
Hyoyeon shook her head. "I feel full."
"I doubt that, though."
"Maybe, but you've already done enough," Hyoyeon said, suddenly feeling guilty about mooching off of a stranger's money.
"Really, it's no problem," Siwon said, standing up. "I'll get you another one."
"Please," Hyoyeon said, already on her way to hysterics. "Just... sit down for a bit."
Siwon looked at her almost suspiciously, but eventually did as he was told. Once he was seated, he looked at her carefully, holding the cup of the remaining cold coffee tightly in his hands.
"Why did you insist on helping me?" she asked after a few moments of hesitation.
Siwon pursed his lips. "You needed food. I have more money than I have use for. It just makes sense."
"But it doesn't make sense," Hyoyeon argued, but Siwon just shrugged.
"I don't see why I shouldn't help people if I get the chance." They exchanged careful smiles, and Siwon finally emptied the cup of its contents. "How did you end up here?" he then asked. "Did you live here?"
"No," Hyoyeon said, staring down at the table. "Lucky coincidence."
"Lucky?" Siwon questioned.
"There's a shelter here. For homeless people." She looked up at him carefully to see his reaction.
Siwon nodded. "Ah, yes, I've heard of that. Is it alright?"
"It's okay. Showers would be nice," she said almost apologetically, touching her dirty hair again. Siwon laughed. "How about you?" Hyoyeon said after a second of mustering up her courage.
"What about me?"
"How did you end up here? You sound like you're... not from here."
"Damn," Siwon said with a slight laugh. "I need to get rid of my accent." Hyoyeon smiled tiredly. "No, the reason why I'm here is... it's a little embarrassing, but I'd like to be a singer one day." Hyoyeon nodded, clearly seeing for her inner eye how Siwon would be the hero of many teenage girls' lives. "Everyone I talked to kept telling me this city has the best musical education in the country, so here I am."
"That's cool," Hyoyeon said, and for the shortest of moments she ached to live out that same dream. And she wanted to tell Sooyoung about it, too, to come to her city and study music. The thought alone was like a punch in the stomach, and she suddenly wondered what the hell she was doing, sitting at a café talking to an unknown boy about normal life things. "I should probably get back to the shelter," she said, stretching. Her legs felt a little shaky, but definitely better than before. "The only reason I was here was because I didn't have energy to go home."
Siwon gestured for her to stay seated. "Let me buy you some more food, okay? As a thank you for keeping me company when I needed it." He smiled at her, but Hyoyeon shook her head.
"I don't understand you," she said. "Even if you get me something to eat now, it's going to run out eventually. It'll be the same thing over again, and there's nothing I can do about it."
"We might meet again," Siwon laughed. "You never know. There's always time for miracles."
Hyoyeon wanted to believe it, and seeing it as it seemed like the people she needed had appeared in her life just when she needed them, maybe she should believe in it. But she wasn't sure she couldn't. The only thing Siwon's help changed was the time when her life would end. The difference between Now and Two Weeks from Now. "Okay," she said, giving in. "Thank you."
"It's no problem."
"I'm sorry for being... so rude to you earlier," she said, rubbing her hands together guiltily.
Siwon just shook his head. "Don't mention it. You had your reasons." The two sat looking at each other, Siwon smiling while Hyoyeon just couldn't bring herself to. The café was slowly emptied of people as time was ticking by, and Hyoyeon realized it must have been getting late. "So, let's find a store then, shall we?" Siwon said, standing up. "Unless there's anything else I can do for you?"
Hyoyeon stood up too, staring at his shoes and feeling an idea forming in her mind, something that took her breath away. "Well... there is one thing you could do."
Siwon waited, looking back at her expectantly from the other side of the table. "What is it?"
"I had this..." Hyoyeon tried, looking around in search of the right words, "...friend. She's probably really worried about me, and it drives me crazy knowing... what I put her through." Her throat threatened to close up, but she cleared her throat and hurried on. "Her name is Sooyoung, and I'd -"
"Hold on," Siwon interrupted her. "Did you say Sooyoung?"
Hyoyeon stared into his eyes, which were widening into big, comically round globes. "Yes?" she said, suddenly feeling so nervous for some reason, and the way Siwon was eyeing her so intensely didn't help.
Siwon exhaled. "You're not... Hyoyeon, are you?"
"On second thought, maybe I shouldn't come along," Yuri said when they arrived at Tiffany's front door.
"What?" Yoona said in disbelief. "You can't drag me out of bed to do something and then not tag along."
"I know," Yuri said, looking guilty and pained as the four stopped, Tiffany with her hand on the door handle. "It's just that... Jessica is here."
Yoona almost jerked back in surprise at the reply. She looked around at Tiffany and Taeyeon, but neither of them seemed to be as shocked as she felt. "Uh-huh," she said, staring at Yuri as if she was out of her mind, "and since when do you not jump at the opportunity of seeing her?" Yuri looked away from her friend's face, sadness decorating her features. A surge of realization shot through Yoona's stomach. "You guys didn't break up, did you?"
"Not yet," Yuri said, shaking her head. "But soon."
Yoona shook her head too, unable to get words of comfort out. In the six years she had known Yuri, Jessica had been around for four of them, and it seemed insane to think they would throw away all the years of facing and overcoming hardships together. "I... what happened?"
Yuri sighed. "She's mad at me for not being around much lately. She... thinks I've been ignoring her."
Yoona could see that Yuri was close to tears, something that seemed to twist and bend her own touch with reality. Yuri hardly ever cried; in fact, thinking back, Yoona had only seen it a maximum of three times in six years, and on those rare occasions it had seemed like a tropical rain shower. Heavy, from a clear sky, and over fast. "Yul, I'm so sorry," she said, putting a hand on the older girl's shoulder, unable to think of anything else to say. Last time she had checked in on them, they had seemed perfectly fine, hadn't they? Had there been no warning signs at all? That was the thing about staying in your bed to cry over your messed up life, she thought; you could never know when someone else's life would take the same turn as yours. And you won’t be there to comfort them.
More guilt stabbed upwards through her chest, and in her exhaustion she tried to hold it down.
"Nothing will become better from you two avoiding each other," Tiffany said, taking Yuri's hand in hers. "You need to talk. And no matter how this turns out, you need to be able to be in the same room as each other. I'm not letting either of you go. Okay?"
Yuri smiled sadly at her. "I guess we'll see."
Tiffany pushed the door open and pulled Yuri through it before the other had a chance to protest anymore, and Yoona followed them with Taeyeon silently by her side. She didn't know if it was because they were alone together or something else, but even Taeyeon looked depressed that day. Yoona's selfishness lay like a wall of barbed wire around her conscience; how could she have neglected her friends like this? After what happened to Sungmin? Had she learned nothing?
Tiffany, Taeyeon and Yuri walked into the living room immediately, where Yoona assumed the other girls were. She lagged back, removing her shoes and trying to prepare herself for the stream of questions that would probably come at her that day. When she had put her shoes away, she was about to stand up when she noticed Seohyun standing a couple of meters away, eyeing her carefully.
"Hi," Yoona said in surprise, confused as to what she was feeling, seeing her.
"Hello," Seohyun said back. The words she had spoken on that last Sunday morning seemed to replay in Yoona's head, I'm so lucky to have found you, but it seemed like from another lifetime. A dream. The girl who had said those things to her only a few days ago had ran away when Yoona really needed help, but hadn't known how to ask for it. She hesitated.
"How are you?" she asked then, feeling almost sarcastic.
Seohyun caught on. "Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
"Yeah, well," Yoona replied, lips quivering with everything she wanted to say. Why didn't you call me, why didn't you check if I was okay when I didn't come to school, she wanted to ask, but she was overwhelmed with the sudden feeling that she didn't deserve to question Seohyun's actions. "I'm great, you know, as I'm sure you understand," she said, definitely sarcastically this time.
Seohyun looked away, expression unreadable. She showed no signs of wanting to come near Yoona, to give her a hug or kiss her, and then it dawned on Yoona. Seohyun knew her better than anyone, already, and she had opened herself up to her in ways she hadn't before. She knew how Yoona worked, how she thought, and that must be the reason, Yoona supposed. She knows now what a horrible person I am.
Feeling a familiar pulling in her throat, she walked past Seohyun and into the living room. She was not going to cry already.
She was surprised to find that none of the girls treated her any differently than before. They all greeted her from their places on the couch, and not all of them watched her with the kind of deer eyes that her mother had made a permanent thing over the last few days. It relieved her greatly.
Sooyoung pulled her down beside her on the couch, pulling her into a bone-cracking hug, but she didn't say anything, not even when Yoona's eyes teared. She assumed it had something to do with that out of everyone in the room, Sooyoung was the one who had the most similar experiences to her. The thought of Hyoyeon made something pinch horribly in her heart again, and she just buried her head in Sooyoung's shoulder, enjoying the warmth that flowed from the embrace.
The atmosphere was the same as always, and so was the bickering, in particular between Sooyoung and Sunny. It comforted Yoona, knowing that some things didn't change. She was glad that Yuri was there, too, even though she had to admit that seeing her and Jessica sit on opposite ends of the couch, not looking at each other, was horrible.
They watched a movie together, during which Taeyeon and Sunny bickered almost endlessly. Yoona didn't know why, but it comforted her to the extent that tears of relief welled up in her eyes and spilled over her cheeks, relief over getting out of the horrible sea of grief that had become her home, relief over seeing that there were still people in this world who knew her and didn't hate her for what she had done.
But then again, they didn't know the whole story.
Sooyoung wiped Yoona’s tears away as soon as they fell, without a word. Nobody asked why she was crying. They thought they knew, Yoona assumed, but they didn't. And Yoona would never be able to accept their comfort if they didn't.
So when the movie ended, she sat up, broke out of Sooyoung's embrace and took a deep breath. "He... he asked me for help, you know," she said, careful but determined. Taeyeon silently lifted the remote to mute the television, but let the credits keep rolling down the screen.
"What do you mean?" Tiffany asked.
"On the night that Sungmin... committed suicide," Yoona said quietly, "he called me. Five times. And I never picked up."
The girls seemed to hesitate, all with their eyes locked at the television. "You were busy," Jessica tried.
"But he wasn't," Yoona argued. "Never too busy to... feel like he did."
A moment of uncomfortable shuffling went through the room as they all tried to understand Sungmin's situation. "I know you won't agree..." Yuri said, "but none of this was your fault, Yoona. You couldn't have known."
"But I did," Yoona said, tears spilling over her cheeks again. This time, Sooyoung did nothing to wipe them away. "And if I had just answered one of those calls..."
"And if those bullies could have just kept their mouth shut and left him alone..." Sooyoung interrupted, smiling sadly at Yoona. "You are not what made his life a living hell."
"She's right," Tiffany chimed in, "it was them. It wasn't one person, but more than we can count, so how can one person be expected to fix his life?"
Yoona sighed, feeling the knot of guilt twist inside her, the sharp edges cutting into her flesh. "I could have done more. I could have involved teachers... Only I didn't dare, because I thought Sungmin would hate me if I did." Her voice broke, and Sooyoung's hand found her back. "I was so selfish."
Tiffany leaned back on the couch, apparently not knowing what to say. Yoona realized she probably still felt guilty about not helping Hyoyeon while she had the chance, and guilty tears dripped onto Yoona's lap.
"These things are easier said than done," Yuri said, shifting her gaze between Yoona and Tiffany. "Of course you didn't want him to hate you. Who would? The important thing is that you did everything you could to help him when you were in school."
"Except for when it really mattered," Yoona said softly, unable to face the other girls. She closed her eyes.
Nobody said anything for a while, and the movie credits ended and the cheery DVD menu started playing over and over. "Maybe it was a mistake not telling anybody," Yuri said carefully. "But it's a hard situation, an easy mistake to do."
"Agreed," Sooyoung said quietly, nodding. Yoona wanted to lean her head on her shoulder, try and comfort her, but didn't feel like she deserved to do so.
"You need something... like this to happen before you get the perspective," Tiffany said, "and we all make mistakes. It's just that some mistakes have more horrible consequences than others. It doesn't make you a bad person."
Yoona took a deep breath, opened her eyes and stared at the happy colors on the television, trying to prepare herself for telling her friends what she considered to be the most shameful thing she had done in her life. "Last Friday night..." she began, hearing her voice quiver but not caring, "Seohyun made me realize my mistake." Seohyun immediately turned her head and looked at her, and for a second Yoona was sure she could see fear in her eyes. "She told me I needed to tell someone, and I finally got it. I was going to... talk to our teachers this week."
Sooyoung took her hand and squeezed it tightly. Yoona thought Seohyun was going to say something, but then the youngest got up off the couch and stormed into the hallway, the slamming of the bathroom door echoing.
The rest of the girls looked from the doorway to Yoona, none of them understanding what was happening, and Yoona brought up her free hand to her eyes, covering them as she cried openly. Sooyoung pulled her into a hug again, stroking her back reassuringly. "He... texted me but Seohyun and I decided to have a phone free weekend, and that I would get Sungmin help on the Monday," she cried, her body shaking in Sooyoung's hold. She remembered the strength she had felt, the pure happiness and relief that everything was going to be okay, and it seemed to take her over the edge. Loud sobs escaped her lips, and she panted for breath with inhales heavy enough to rip and tear at her throat until she thought she was going to vomit.
Sunny got up from the couch, threw Yoona a sad look before walking out of the room to follow Seohyun.
"Shh," Sooyoung cooed, and Taeyeon put her hand on Yoona's back from her other side. "It's not your fault. You didn't know."
"But I should have," Yoona choked out between sobs. "I should have."
Suddenly Tiffany was there, almost pressed against Taeyeon, her too with her hands on Yoona's back and arms. "You couldn't have. You're only human," she said. "Wherever Sungmin is now, he knows why you didn't answer his calls that night. He knows that you regret it."
"But he's gone," Yoona mustered, pulling herself out of Sooyoung's grip and turning around to face Tiffany. "He's gone, and I will never know if he hated me that last night."
"He doesn't hate you," Tiffany said, putting her arms around Yoona now. Yoona's back protested loudly at the uncomfortable position, but she let Tiffany hold her, and she let herself keep crying. "You were not what was wrong in his life. He thought he needed you that night, but what he really needed was true help. Professional help."
Yoona let the words try to sink in, and kept crying as Tiffany, Taeyeon and Sooyoung held her tightly in a combined hug. She didn't know what to believe. Yes, the words made sense to her in some part of her brain, but they still felt unacceptable. Sungmin had killed himself because she wasn't there when he needed her, how dare she think anything else? How dare she disrespect his memory that way? Still, with Tiffany's words she could pretend some of the things she wished she hadn't done never happened, so she repeated the words to herself over and over again as they held her, swaying from side to side, until her tears finally slowed down.
Sunny came back into the room looking extremely dejected. "How is she?" Jessica asked her, but she shook her head.
"She won't let me in. She won't talk to me."
The girls eased their hold on Yoona and sat up straight to look at Sunny, who sank down beside Jessica. "Has she talked to you about what happened?" Tiffany asked, and Sunny shook her head again.
"I had no idea."
Yoona stood up and started walking out of the room, but Yuri grabbed her hand as she walked by. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked pointedly. Yoona pulled her hand away.
"She needs to talk to someone," she said and kept walking. Her eyes were tired, her skin felt stiff from all the tears, and she was tired, more tired than she suspected she had ever been, but maybe Seohyun was, too. She stopped outside the bathroom door, knocking carelessly. "Seohyun, it's me. Let me in." No sound came from the room for a moment, but then the lock clicked and the door opened a few centimeters. Yoona stepped inside and locked the door behind her.
Seohyun stood in front of the mirror. She wasn't crying like Yoona had thought, but she looked tired. Dead tired. Almost as tired as Yoona herself felt. Yoona pushed her way past her, closed the lid on the toilet and sat down. "Why didn't you let Sunny in?" she asked, and Seohyun stared down into the sink. "Why didn't you tell her what happened?"
Seohyun shook her head. "I couldn't," she whispered, not lifting her gaze.
"Why not?"
"I..." the youngest tried, the words sticking to her throat. Still no tears were visible. "I was too ashamed."
Yoona had to stop herself from snorting. "Of what? Of being with me? I was the one who caused all this, not you. It was all my idea." Her own tears had stopped flowing too, and she realized she suddenly felt more angry than sad. Who she was angry with, though, was a whole other question.
"But I agreed to it," Seohyun said, still not looking at Yoona. "If I had not been there, maybe you would have answered his calls."
"Look at me," Yoona said, a little louder than she would have needed to. Seohyun jerked back and forced her tired, unfocused gaze on Yoona. "Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you check in on me these last few days?" The older of the two asked before she could stop herself. "I really needed you. Didn't you care?"
Seohyun immediately looked away again, and Yoona's skin boiled with anger. "I care," Seohyun said, still in the same quiet tone. "But I... couldn't stand it."
"Couldn't stand what?" Yoona demanded. There was a pause, and then Seohyun fixed her gaze on Yoona's knees - an improvement, in Yoona's eyes.
"Every time I think of you... I think of Sungmin. I think of what we did." Yoona's heart ached. "Going on like nothing had happened... feels disrespectful to him."
Yoona understood where Seohyun was going, even though she didn't want to. "Sungmin is dead," she said before she could stop herself. "He's not here anymore, because of something that I did. How is anything I do in my life ever again going to be respectful to him?" The tears were back, but Yoona almost didn't notice them. How many tears could a human produce in one day, she wondered dimly. "Why does it even matter? He's gone now. We don't know how he would feel about this, and we never will."
Seohyun gave a soft sigh, and finally looked into Yoona's eyes. "Everything has its place and time," she said slowly, "and ours... is not right now."
Yoona's vision seemed to blur out of sheer heartache. "Are you... ending it with me?" she mustered. Sure, she was, for some ungodly reason, angry at Seohyun right at that moment, but she still remembered their short-lived happiness and how much she craved it. She needed Seohyun by her side.
The youngest hesitated again. "All you are to me right now is guilt," she whispered. "I have to get past that somehow."
Yoona shook her head. "No," she breathed, "how can you do this to me now? After what I've just been through?"
"I can't pretend that I am alright," Seohyun replied, hands gripping the sink until her knuckles turned white. "I can’t be with you like this."
For the second time that day, Yoona couldn't breathe. She buried her face in her hands and leaned forward, feeling the tears pool in the palm of her hands. Everything she was feeling, all the pain, loss and guilt, piled up until she couldn't feel the outside world anymore. Seohyun wasn't there. She wasn't at Tiffany's anymore, her friends were not sitting outside, waiting impatiently to know what was going on, she wasn't herself, and she was glad for it.
"I'm going to go home," she heard a faceless voice say. "I'm sorry." There was a click, something that registered in the back of her mind as a door shutting, and then there was silence again, wonderful silence, in which she didn't need to exist, where her heart could be nothing but an empty space, where there was no love, and therefore no grief.
She was pulled up by the arms and dragged forward, words being spoken to her that she couldn't make out, words she didn't want to understand, and then she fell, landing on something unknown, maybe clouds? Clouds would be good. There would be no one there to leave her, no one there to break her heart, no one there to have expectations on her that she could not live up to.
But then she opened her eyes and she was on Tiffany's couch, with Yuri standing above her, holding onto her arms. "I'm so sorry," she said, and then Yoona remembered, of course, Seohyun had broken up with her already and Sungmin was gone once and for all, and both of those horrors came from her own selfishness.
Yuri hugged her, and she was thrown back from the line of insanity, watching it drift further away as she remembered who she was. The pain lessened, but she couldn't breathe, her hair was wet with tears, and Seohyun and Sungmin both remained gone.
A/N: Chapter 21, AKA the reason why I kept making Sooyoung nag about Siwon in the earlier chapters... haha, do you guys remember? I hope so~
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."