Line 49 (Chapter 27)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,295
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
- 28 -
Things were starting to become unbearable in the group, Yoona thought. Sooyoung had entered a state of almost catatonia; not speaking, not smiling, but also not crying or yelling. In the beginning it had seemed like a relief when the tears had finally stopped, but now it felt like Sooyoung had gotten stuck somewhere between her emotions and couldn't get out. Maybe because she didn't want to.
Yoona felt much too aware of the secret in the group to be able to look at Jessica, Sunny or Yuri for a longer period of time. Yuri had asked her several times what was wrong, but Yoona could do nothing but shrug. The only ones who seemed to be in their right minds were Tiffany and Taeyeon, but as they figured Seohyun needed someone to keep her company, too, the two of them and Sunny hung out with her most of the time.
So, the group became split into two units. And Yoona felt like every single little thing she had treasured was slipping out of her hands. She couldn't speak to Yuri, didn't want to speak to Jessica, and couldn't figure out how to approach Seohyun again. It was too much for her head, so more often than not, she fled to the library.
Even though her and Seohyun's study time together had come to an abrupt end, she still associated the library with happiness, calm and safety. And she would continue to do so, she suspected, until it was time to graduate from the school.
She left the girls behind, feeling a little guilty over how much it felt like a burden off her shoulders, and walked into the library, happy to find it mostly abandoned. She walked over to the table she and Seohyun had always occupied, the one in the far back hidden behind as many bookshelves as possible.
When she found it, there was already someone sitting at 'their' table; someone with long, straight, brown hair that reflected the light from the ceiling sharply. Yoona gasped despite herself, and that was all it took for Seohyun to look up and meet her gaze.
"Oh," Yoona said before the younger could react. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. I'll go."
And she turned around, ready to run out with her tail between her legs, but came to a stop at the sound of Seohyun's unsure voice. "No," she said. "Please... Just..." She trailed off, and Yoona turned around to look at her again, to look at those secretive, sometimes unreadable eyes. "Stay for a bit?"
Yoona froze. "Are you sure?" she asked before she even knew what Yoona herself wanted. One the one hand she wanted to run away from the hurt, from the pain; that was the reason she had sought out the library to begin with. But then again, she saw the ultimate escape from suffering to be Seohyun.
"I've... I've missed you."
Yoona walked the last few steps up to the table, pulled out a chair and sat down. "Me, too."
She noted suddenly that Seohyun didn't have any books beside her on the table. "How have you been?" the younger asked after a few seconds of trying silence.
Yoona shrugged, feeling like she could almost cry at the question. "You know. Everything kind of sucks right now." She stared into the table. "You?"
"Most things suck," Seohyun replied with a small nod. "But not everything."
"Really?" Yoona asked. The need to be close, to somehow be forgiven by Seohyun mixed with the anger of being abandoned, of being betrayed, and she felt words fighting to be said. "I can't say I see much good in life right now."
"This very moment isn't too bad," Seohyun said.
Yoona stared at her. "It's not?" Seohyun shook her head, a small smile dawning on her lips. "How does that work?"
Seohyun tilted her head. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." Yoona tried, frustration piling up, pouring out. "What happened to us, Seohyun?"
The younger looked away instantly. "You know what happened."
"I know that Sungmin needed me and I wasn't there for him," Yoona said, accepting the truth in her own words. "But I still don't understand what that has to do with us."
Seohyun looked around, peeking at people sitting by the other tables in the library, and Yoona suddenly realized her outburst was probably about to get loud. But she also realized she had no control anymore, over her voice, over her words. "It has everything to do with us," Seohyun said.
"Does it?" Yoona demanded. "Is that really the reason, or is it something else? Something you don't want to tell me?"
Seohyun stared back at her, the small smile from before long gone. Yoona noted it with mixed sadness and satisfaction: finally, a reaction. "I've told you the reason," Seohyun replied, obviously annoyed but still calm.
"I'm just starting to find it a little hard to believe, is all."
"Yes, well, just because you can't understand it doesn't render it untrue," the youngest said, suddenly so cold.
Yoona shrugged, shaking her head. "You're right, I don't understand it. So explain it to me, please. Tell me something real, because I'm lost."
Seohyun looked down on her hands, placed nervously on the table in front of her. Yoona felt an inexplicable need to hold them, maybe just to be able to let go, but she wasn't sure. "Like I've told you before," Seohyun said, and Yoona was impressed by her composure, "every time I'm with you, I think of what happened." She paused, looking into Yoona's eyes, burning away some of the anger within them. "I hate that we have to be apart," she added softly, "but I think I would hate it if we were together, too."
Yoona frowned. The admission both shook and tore at her heart. "I know I said to tell me something real, but that was a little harsh."
"I don't mean it like that," Seohyun said, smiling a little again. So at least not all the happiness was gone from the world yet. "I need to make it better before I can feel comfortable with you again. Whether or not you choose to wait for me... that is up to you. Maybe I don't deserve it, but... I wish you would."
Yoona pulled her hands through her hair. A multitude of answers like "I'd wait for you forever" or "You're the only one for me" stacked up behind her lips, but if she was only going to reveal her heart to get shot down, then that could wait. Nothing about the situation made sense anymore, and it only got worse the longer Seohyun spoke. "I still don't understand," she said. "How are you going to make it better?"
"Time," Seohyun said simply.
Yoona shook her head again. "What's done is done. I made my mistakes and I can't take it back -- believe me, I've tried." Seohyun smiled at that. "How is time ever going to make this better?"
"Yoona," Seohyun said, reaching over the table and taking Yoona's hand in hers. Yoona froze, her fingers clenching and releasing the cold hand in hers, unable to decide which attitude to go with. "I don't know when, yet, but I will figure this out."
Yoona decided to just go with it. Let herself get washed away. She grasped Seohyun's hand, without squeezing too hard. "You sound convincing, but this is just your way of saying you don't know, isn't it?" she asked, smiling joylessly.
Seohyun didn't reply at first. Instead, the grip on Yoona's hand loosened, and again Yoona didn't know if she should let go or hold on for all she was worth. Which one would hurt less? "Do you hate me a lot?" Seohyun asked then.
Clenching her jaw, Yoona shook her head. No matter how angry she was, no matter how betrayed she felt, it could never be hate. Not towards Seohyun. "No, I don't."
"Do you think you might?"
Yoona let go of her hand. "Let's not find out?" she said, tilting her head, trying to make Seohyun see how much she actually treasured her, but not wanting to say it out loud. Seohyun laughed a little, relaxing visibly, and Yoona wondered how it was possible. Was Seohyun really this scared of Yoona hating her? Then why had she ignored her so skillfully?
"Right now, all I want is for us to talk again," the youngest said, withdrawing her hand. "No more of this silent treatment. It's driving me insane."
"Can you do that?" Yoona asked, doubting her own ability to just be friends with the other girl very strongly.
"If I have to," Seohyun said, thoughtfully staring out into space somewhere behind Yoona. "Do you want to?"
"No," Yoona said, shaking her head.
Seohyun's eyes widened. "What?"
"I'm just being honest," Yoona continued. "I don't want to be friends. I'll never want to be friends; I'll always want you back. That's just the way it is."
Seohyun tensed again, looking down into her lap, pain of rejection written all over her face. "Oh," she said softly.
"But I'll try," Yoona said, deciding to put her out of her misery. "Because I miss you. But I'll never be able to be happy like that, and I hope you're prepared for that."
Seohyun nodded, smiling weakly. "Then for now... Friends?" she questioned, offering Yoona a friendly smile, one Yoona never wished to see in her direction again.
"Yeah. Friends."
"You did better today," Sunny said as they made their way into the dressing room after dance practice. "The production will be awesome as long as you play the lead."
"Thanks," Seohyun said, somewhat absent-mindedly. Sunny watched her and the way she seemed a little more present, a little more awake, than she had for the past few weeks.
"You seem less distracted,” she said. “How are you holding up?"
Seohyun looked at her, apparently surprised by her observation. She shrugged. "I don't know. A little better, I guess. I exchanged more than two words with Yoona without making her want to commit suicide, at least.” She paused to pull up her sweatpants over her tights. “I call it progress."
"Rightfully so,” Sunny replied, laughing a little, even though she wasn’t really sure of whether or not it was a joke. “That's great, Seohyunnie. How is she?"
The youngest shook her head, turning towards Sunny with a confounded expression. "Not so good. Why? Don't you talk to her?"
"Not much, as of late,” Sunny replied, wincing a little. The time had come to tell her best friend the truth. Honestly, it was already long overdue. And while she knew that Seohyun loved her beyond the telling of it, she wasn’t sure how the younger, with such strong opinions on how things should work, would react to the news.
"Why not? It's not because of me, is it?"
Sunny quickly shook her head. "No. It's..."
Seohyun, now in a casual, everyday attire, stared at her expectantly. "What?" Sunny took a deep breath, and she knew there was no backing down now.
"There's something I need to tell you,” she said carefully. “Something I should have told you ages ago. The girls are starting to find out, and... It's not something I'm proud of." It was becoming increasingly hard to look up from her feet, but she could feel Seohyun observing her.
"Alright," the younger said, somewhat hesitantly.
"I hope you won't think less of me."
Seohyun furrowed her brow. "So don't give me a reason to."
Sunny sank down on one of the benches lining the walls. Seohyun’s eyes never left her face, and she could feel the fear like a physical being in her stomach. Taking a deep breath, she said: "Jessica has been unfaithful to Yuri... with me."
For a moment, Seohyun’s expression didn’t change. She didn’t look angry, upset or disappointed; she didn’t even blink. Seconds ticked by and when Seohyun showed no reaction, Sunny’s heart started beating faster until the point where it almost hurt, because throughout their friendship she had never shown this reaction before, not once. And that couldn’t mean anything good, could it? Just when Sunny was about to plead with her to say something, Seohyun turned away with a simple "Okay."
Sunny lost her breath. "Okay?" she questioned.
Seohyun simply nodded, bending down to pack her dancing attire into her bag. "So, Yoona found out about this, and that's why the two of you don't talk anymore?" she asked casually. So casually, in fact, that Sunny felt a little scared.
"Yes, but..."
"It explains a lot,” Seohyun said. “Jessica's groundless abandonment of Yuri... Her senselessness... Your spontaneous happiness and depression and why you suddenly stopped talking about how you wished you could fall in love.” Sunny looked away again, hearing through the younger’s composed tone how much the younger resented her. “I should have known."
"You're disappointed in me, aren't you?"
Seohyun pursed her lips, and her eyes looked different now. There was a new light in them that Sunny had never seen before. "It's not something I would support, but after my behavior lately I of all people have no right to pass judgment on you,” Seohyun said, and with that, Sunny was tired of all the crypticism.
"Don't hold back,” she said. “I probably deserve to hear it."
But Seohyun just shook her head, pre-occupied still with her packing. "No."
"No?" Sunny asked, frustration piling up in her.
"Jessica went back to Yuri, didn't she?" Seohyun said, still so frustratingly calm.
"Yes,” Sunny nodded. “But that doesn't justify what we did." She waited, wanting any kind of reaction that wasn’t this, and now Seohyun was the one avoiding Sunny’s eyes.
"I know that,” she muttered, “but are you still seeing Jessica?"
"No,” Sunny replied. “It seems like I'm not." The words sounded dull and dead in the empty dressing room, and Sunny felt the same.
Seohyun nodded. "Would you, if she came back to you?"
"Yes," the older replied without hesitation.
They both fell silent for a bit. For a moment, Sunny was sure she had finally done it, finally shown what an awful person she really was, enough for Seohyun to lash out at her, and her heart pounded with expectation. But after another few silent seconds, Seohyun turned to her, her face unreadable. "You must be hurting a lot,” she said.
Sunny could only stare. "Aren't you mad?"
Seohyun shook her head. She sat down next to Sunny on the bench. "Mostly I feel sad for you,” she said. “And Yuri. And Jessica."
"So do I," Sunny said numbly, staring ahead. Seohyun’s cold hand found hers, giving it a light squeeze.
"But it's probably for the best... that it came to an end,” she tried. “For all of your sakes."
Sunny shook her head, not wanting to think about it, and not really wanting to hear the lecture she had been expecting from the youngest. "I was so sure you were going to hate me," she said instead.
Seohyun squeezed her hand tighter. "Is that why you told me?"
Sunny stared at her. "What do you mean?"
"You obviously know you did wrong,” Seohyun explained. “And it seems like you want to pay it back, somehow."
Sunny laughed hollowly, but she tried to think it through. Had she wanted Seohyun to give her a piece of her mind, to remind her how wrong she was now that she seemed to be on the wrong track? "That sounds more like you than me, honestly,” she laughed, thoughts and ideas that she didn’t want to consider colliding in her. “And I don't know... Tiffany kind of convinced me that I was wrong."
Seohyun nodded, and Sunny bit her tongue; she had not planned on telling her that Tiffany (and Sooyoung, and Yoona) knew before Seohyun did. "Makes sense," the younger said, showing no signs of being offended.
They fell silent again, fingers intertwined. Sunny felt empty, because even though she knew and understood Seohyun’s way of thinking, she had been expecting some kind of reaction, and the whole situation felt anti-climactic and left her empty inside. "What do you think I should do?" she asked, almost as a last resort.
"Leave it be,” Seohyun said after a few seconds of consideration. “Let Jessica try to be happy with Yuri.” And then it came, thousands of feelings swelling up and filling her completely, anger about the fact that nobody seemed to understand that Jessica was her happiness, that Jessica had a choice in all of this too, so why couldn’t anyone support her in fighting for her love, for her happiness? Why should she just step down and be unhappy simply because someone else got to her treasure first? “That's the most important thing, right?” Seohyun asked then, breaking her out of her thoughts. “Happiness?"
"Yeah,” Sunny agreed. “So what about mine?"
Jessica wasn't a good liar, nor had she ever been, and when it came to Yuri, it was even worse. Add to that the fact that guilt was now filling her mind so many hours of the day that it felt like a permanent state, one that made her physically nauseous and terrified, and looking Yuri in the eye felt impossible.
All she could do was hold onto her lies whenever it felt necessary, and turn away whenever she couldn't. It wasn't a very good plan in terms of the future, but the future would have to wait. For now, she needed something that would work in the moment, to save herself, because even though she had stopped seeing Sunny it seemed like the crisis was far from over.
And well, according to some people - Tiffany - just ending things with Sunny without saying anything didn't qualify as an actual... break up? Was that the right word to use when Sunny had never been Jessica's girlfriend? Either way, she hadn't exchanged a word with the girl since the night she had planned to break up with Yuri, but even so, she could feel their affair almost like a physical being in her body, like living memories of it, memories that stirred every time Yuri touched her.
So the answer must be setting things straight with Sunny, right? Jessica thought of it a lot, even while she lay next to Yuri in bed with the younger girl's lips sealed with her own, even as they shared body heat and Yuri told her she loved her - and even as she said it back. Since her conversation with Tiffany, the thought had been accompanied by a crippling terror that what if, what if Tiffany decided to tell Yuri if Jessica didn't end things properly with Sunny?
She lay under a thick duvet with Yuri by her side, and she loved her as much as she always had. One of Yuri's hands were planted firmly on the side of her stomach, fingering the material of her t-shirt, and Jessica contemplated whether or not she was bored of her and Yuri's relationship after all these years. Maybe she was only trying to save herself, trying to look for flaws in their relationship before she had a chance to fuck it up (even more), she wasn't sure. But Yuri's lips found hers and she kissed her with as much ferocity as she had the first time they had fallen into bed together, and the responding heat in Jessica's stomach told her that no, she was not bored.
There was no way she could be. Yuri's skin was always warm, she always made sure that Jessica was okay with what happened, what she was doing, where they were heading, and most of all she always told the truth. Jessica felt her hands reaching behind Yuri's back, feeling the precious skin she could never grow tired of, and she remembered how Sunny's hands had been cold on her.
She had wanted to push Yuri's shirt out of the way, pulled her closer and touched her for real, but with Sunny's image in her head, her hands froze, and she stilled. She kissed back to the best of her abilities, but felt her lips strain, almost as if she was about to start crying. Yuri didn't seem to notice, but let her hand wander up to Jessica's chest, and the guilt mixed with unbearable excitement in her stomach.
"Yuri," she mumbled against the other girl's lips, but it came out more as a moan than a protest, and Yuri seemed to interpret it as such. Her hand wandered down under Jessica's shirt, warmth spread with the goose bumps over Jessica's skin, and the older quickly grabbed her hand, stopping it. "Yuri, stop."
Yuri pulled back. "What? What's wrong?" she asked, worriedly observing Jessica's face beside hers.
"Nothing," Jessica said, pushing Yuri's hand off her and rolling over on her back.
"Do you not want to?"
Jessica shrugged, avoiding her girlfriend's eyes. "I just- I'm just not in the mood."
"Not in the mood?" Yuri repeated. Jessica nodded, face towards the ceiling. "Then why didn't you say so?"
Jessica glanced at the girl beside her. Her expression was annoyed and tense, something Jessica had never seen in the situation before. "I just did." Disbelief sparked in Yuri's eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but bit down on her lip instead, and the offended, somehow betrayed look on her face made Jessica's eyes widen. She sat up, and Jessica pulled on the duvet to cover her more fully, trying to hide from what was about to come. This was completely new to her. "What?" she said. Yuri sat with her back against her, not saying a word. And she didn't turn on the light; a big relief to Jessica. She drew a deep breath, feeling her pulse speed up. "Are you seriously pissed at me for not wanting to have sex?"
Yuri sent her a glare over her shoulder. "Jesus, Sica, of course not."
"Then what?" Jessica asked, sitting up and leaning her back against the wall, still under the covers.
Yuri lowered her head. "You said you wanted to break up because I didn't spend enough time with you," she said lowly. "Yet when I'm here, it's like you wish I wasn't."
"Yuri, seriously, I'm just not in the mood for-" Jessica began, dread rising within her. She was not prepared for this conversation.
"It isn't just that," Yuri said, her head leaning back, and Jessica felt sure she had just rolled her eyes. She turned her body towards Jessica, but remained where she was sitting. "I feel like you barely even speak to me anymore."
Jessica folded her arms. "We're talking right now, aren't we?"
"Don't play dumb," Yuri said, without force. As always. "You know what I mean." Jessica avoided Yuri's gaze, wishing the conversation would end, wishing she didn't have to be a part of any of it. "If you're going to leave me, then please just say so."
"I'm not," Jessica said weakly. "I said I wanted to take things slow."
"You did," Yuri nodded, "and then we had sex. So, I guess I'm a little confused about what 'taking it slow' actually means."
"Yuri, seriously, what is this about?" Jessica huffed, wanting to turn towards the wall and sleep it all away. To her horror, tears filled Yuri's eyes.
"You said you wanted to break up, and now you're acting like you're sick of me," the younger said slowly. "So just tell me the truth, Sica. Are you leaving me?"
Jessica climbed up from her position and crawled over to Yuri. "I'm not leaving. I love you." Yuri's tearful eyes stared back at her, questioning her, and she wished she could say Yuri didn't have any reason to not trust her. "Please, stop this. You know me, I run from my problems until I've circled the earth and hit them from the other side," she said, and earned a tilted, joyless smile from her girlfriend. "Do you think I would be here if I didn't want to be?"
Yuri grabbed her hand. The tears were gone from her eyes again, and Jessica thought she should have known. Yuri did not cry easily. "You wouldn't?"
"You know I wouldn't," Jessica replied, some of the dread easing off her shoulders.
"But that night... you were going to leave me, weren't you?"
Jessica looked away. It was very rare to see Yuri so vulnerable, and she was never sure how to deal with it. The trouble was that the only thing that seemed to make her so fragile was Jessica herself. "Yes, I was," she admitted. "But I was crazed. I didn't know what I was doing. I guess loneliness..." she looked away the lies started pouring out again, "can do a lot to people."
She took a hold of Yuri's arm and started pulling her towards her, mostly to flee the piercing look in Yuri's eyes as if she already knew she was lying, and partly to escape into Yuri's embrace, where she didn't always have to be talking. "You're telling the truth, right?" Yuri questioned.
"Yes," Jessica groaned, "now come back to bed. It isn't the same without you."
Yuri didn't have to be asked twice. Before long, she was back sharing her warmth with Jessica, and the latter felt more at ease than she had in a while. "You know, I love you," Yuri said, her hand finding Jessica's messy hair. "And I'll try my hardest not to let you feel alone ever again. But you have to promise to give me a warning if it happens again, okay? I'm not a mind reader."
Jessica nuzzled into Yuri's collarbones. "I don't want to be without you ever again. So forget about it all. It was my fault." And even though it was the truth among the lies, when Yuri wrapped her arms around her again and pulled her close, all she could think about was Sunny.
Tiffany was right. She needed to make it right, and soon.
- 29 -
If she were to be honest, Jessica had been so focused on doing the right thing for Yuri that she had completely forgotten about Sunny's side of the story. Sunny's feelings. Sunny's wants and wishes and ways to deal had all been lost somewhere in Jessica's own guilt, and she realized this when she picked up the phone to call Sunny the following Sunday morning. The realization brought with it new fears and anxieties, because who knew what Sunny's reaction would be? What if she decided to tell everyone, including Yuri, about what had happened between them?
One thing was for sure, at least, and that was that Sunny was not the type to just let things go if she felt it was unfair. So when she pressed 'call' on her cell phone, while sitting on her couch, staring out into the bright and windy landscape below, nervousness that felt like heartburn oozed in her chest.
Sunny picked up after a signal and a half. "Hello?" she said, her voice unsure and clearly expectant.
"Hey," Jessica said weakly. It seemed like she had no words left, nothing to follow that one 'hey'. "It's... it's me."
"So I saw," Sunny replied. Her tone instantly turned dull, and Jessica wanted to cower and run away in fear. Silence fell for a few agonizing seconds. "About damn time, don't you think?"
Jessica swallowed. "I know... It's just... There's been a lot-"
"Spare me your excuses, please," Sunny interrupted. "No matter what you're going to say, replying to a single one of my texts couldn't have been that damn hard, could it?"
Instantly feeling defensive, Jessica pursed her lips to hold back the sarcastic reply that was fighting its way out. "It was. Believe me."
Sunny scoffed. "Sure. I realize you were scared of getting caught, but you didn't say one word to me for... how long is it now? More than two weeks?" Something insecure behind Sunny's angry voice told Jessica that she probably knew exactly how long it had been, but she decided to ignore it.
"You don't know what it's been like," she said instead. "Maybe I've handled this all stupidly, but there's no non-stupid way." Sunny hmmed in response, and Jessica decided to take that as agreement. "I'm not going to give you any explanations, because I don't owe them to you. You're not my girlfriend." She took a deep breath but made sure to do so away from the phone; she knew she was playing it very risky with being so harsh, but knowing herself, she needed to make sure to make her point very clear.
"Right," Sunny said, the volume of her voice instantly rising. "Did you forget the promise you made?"
Jessica pulled up her feet on the couch, wrapping her arm around her legs. "Promise?"
"Yes. The one where you promised you were going to break up with Yuri."
Having no words to defend herself, Jessica sighed. She didn't have time for this. It had to end, and fast. "Tomorrow. I'll come over to your place after school, and we're going to talk this through once and for all. Okay?"
Sunny hesitated. "I have dance practice..."
"This is important," Jessica cut in. "We have to set this straight."
"You mean break up, right?" Sunny said. Her tone was lifeless, and Jessica hoped it would be easier than it seemed.
She bit her lip. "If you prefer that we just end it like this-"
"No," Sunny said, a little too quickly. "No. You're coming over, and you're gonna give me a chance to change your mind."
Jessica paled. That was not what she had in mind at all. "No, look, Sunny-"
"No. You need to give me a chance to speak my mind." She sounded sure of herself, but Jessica was sure it was just an act. "Honestly, after these two weeks, don't you think I deserve that?"
Jessica shook her head at herself, covering her forehead with her hand. "No," she said, "but I'm going to do this the right way from now on. I'm not having this conversation over the phone."
Sunny scoffed again. "Right."
"But I need to be clear," Jessica continued, still set on doing it her own way. "I love Yuri."
"And still you promised to break up with her."
Gritting her teeth, Jessica kept staring outside the window, but it seemed like she could no longer see anything. All she could hear, feel and see was Yuri's face as she cried, pleading with Jessica to stay with her, and Sunny's eyes, the way she had observed her so carefully right before she came. "I just got crazy for a while. That's all."
There was a short laugh on the other end of the line, and Jessica could feel the hurt in it. "That's all, huh?" Sunny repeated.
"We'll talk about this tomorrow," Jessica bit out in reply. "Let's stop now before we say too much."
"Fine."
"And speaking of saying too much," Jessica said, suddenly remembering something she had been wondering about for the past week. "Why did you tell Tiffany about us?"
"I-I didn't!" Sunny said. "Are you nuts? I thought you did."
"Like I would?" Jessica asked back, completely dumbfounded. "Do I want to ruin my own life?" Sunny muttered something unintelligible in reply, and Jessica decided that she didn't want to know. "So if you didn't tell her, how did she find out?"
Sunny sighed. "You'll have to ask her about that."
"Right."
"But either way," Sunny continued, "let's continue this tomorrow. Come over directly after school, don't waste time, and... Just don't let me down this time."
Not wanting to agree with anything the other girl said, but also too exhausted to fight, Jessica nodded to herself. "Okay."
"Also..." The younger tried, searching for words in a way that made Jessica hold her breath. "Thank you."
Jessica frowned. "For?"
"For talking to me before I lost my head," Sunny replied lowly. She sounded calmer now, not as angry, but despite what Jessica had thought, it didn't feel better. Not even close. "I didn't... and still don't know what to do without you."
It overwhelmed her like a wave of fire; the hurt in Sunny's voice seemed to dig through her chest and into her heart. But no, she thought, she was not going to do this again, not going to give Sunny the power over her, make her stay. "See you tomorrow," she said simply, hung up the phone, and threw it on her bed, where Yuri had been sleeping only a couple of hours earlier.
200 meters away, Sunny was clutching her phone still tightly in her hand, tears streaming into her pillow, while Jessica's words still echoed in her head. She wanted a life where she could put a heart after Jessica's name in the list of contacts in her phone, where she could sit in class and write the blonde's name in her notebook over and over and over again, and when she was sad, people would automatically assume she'd had a fight with her, because Jessica was the ultimate source of her happiness.
She loved her. God, she loved her. But after the pain, after the wait, after all the uncertainty, she couldn't be sure of why anymore.
Chapter 28: "I love her."
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 6,295
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
Chapter 11: "This is who you are, Taeyeon."
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Chapter 13: "I'm going crazy thinking about her."
Chapter 14: "I-- I want to be with you too."
Chapter 15: "And what if there are no solutions?"
Chapter 16: "Will you go out with me?"
Chapter 17: "So I'll have to marry you before you finish telling me this story?"
Chapter 18: "Oh, Taeyeon... It changes everything."
Chapter 19: "You're just so cute when you get excited."
Chapter 20: "What's happening to us?"
Chapter 21: "There's always time for miracles."
Chapter 22: "I don't want to live without you."
Chapter 23: "I have some things I want to say."
Chapter 24: "It's powerlessness."
Chapter 25: "What are you scared of?"
Chapter 26: "Did your mother kick you out because you're gay?"
- 28 -
Things were starting to become unbearable in the group, Yoona thought. Sooyoung had entered a state of almost catatonia; not speaking, not smiling, but also not crying or yelling. In the beginning it had seemed like a relief when the tears had finally stopped, but now it felt like Sooyoung had gotten stuck somewhere between her emotions and couldn't get out. Maybe because she didn't want to.
Yoona felt much too aware of the secret in the group to be able to look at Jessica, Sunny or Yuri for a longer period of time. Yuri had asked her several times what was wrong, but Yoona could do nothing but shrug. The only ones who seemed to be in their right minds were Tiffany and Taeyeon, but as they figured Seohyun needed someone to keep her company, too, the two of them and Sunny hung out with her most of the time.
So, the group became split into two units. And Yoona felt like every single little thing she had treasured was slipping out of her hands. She couldn't speak to Yuri, didn't want to speak to Jessica, and couldn't figure out how to approach Seohyun again. It was too much for her head, so more often than not, she fled to the library.
Even though her and Seohyun's study time together had come to an abrupt end, she still associated the library with happiness, calm and safety. And she would continue to do so, she suspected, until it was time to graduate from the school.
She left the girls behind, feeling a little guilty over how much it felt like a burden off her shoulders, and walked into the library, happy to find it mostly abandoned. She walked over to the table she and Seohyun had always occupied, the one in the far back hidden behind as many bookshelves as possible.
When she found it, there was already someone sitting at 'their' table; someone with long, straight, brown hair that reflected the light from the ceiling sharply. Yoona gasped despite herself, and that was all it took for Seohyun to look up and meet her gaze.
"Oh," Yoona said before the younger could react. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here. I'll go."
And she turned around, ready to run out with her tail between her legs, but came to a stop at the sound of Seohyun's unsure voice. "No," she said. "Please... Just..." She trailed off, and Yoona turned around to look at her again, to look at those secretive, sometimes unreadable eyes. "Stay for a bit?"
Yoona froze. "Are you sure?" she asked before she even knew what Yoona herself wanted. One the one hand she wanted to run away from the hurt, from the pain; that was the reason she had sought out the library to begin with. But then again, she saw the ultimate escape from suffering to be Seohyun.
"I've... I've missed you."
Yoona walked the last few steps up to the table, pulled out a chair and sat down. "Me, too."
She noted suddenly that Seohyun didn't have any books beside her on the table. "How have you been?" the younger asked after a few seconds of trying silence.
Yoona shrugged, feeling like she could almost cry at the question. "You know. Everything kind of sucks right now." She stared into the table. "You?"
"Most things suck," Seohyun replied with a small nod. "But not everything."
"Really?" Yoona asked. The need to be close, to somehow be forgiven by Seohyun mixed with the anger of being abandoned, of being betrayed, and she felt words fighting to be said. "I can't say I see much good in life right now."
"This very moment isn't too bad," Seohyun said.
Yoona stared at her. "It's not?" Seohyun shook her head, a small smile dawning on her lips. "How does that work?"
Seohyun tilted her head. "What do you mean?"
"I mean..." Yoona tried, frustration piling up, pouring out. "What happened to us, Seohyun?"
The younger looked away instantly. "You know what happened."
"I know that Sungmin needed me and I wasn't there for him," Yoona said, accepting the truth in her own words. "But I still don't understand what that has to do with us."
Seohyun looked around, peeking at people sitting by the other tables in the library, and Yoona suddenly realized her outburst was probably about to get loud. But she also realized she had no control anymore, over her voice, over her words. "It has everything to do with us," Seohyun said.
"Does it?" Yoona demanded. "Is that really the reason, or is it something else? Something you don't want to tell me?"
Seohyun stared back at her, the small smile from before long gone. Yoona noted it with mixed sadness and satisfaction: finally, a reaction. "I've told you the reason," Seohyun replied, obviously annoyed but still calm.
"I'm just starting to find it a little hard to believe, is all."
"Yes, well, just because you can't understand it doesn't render it untrue," the youngest said, suddenly so cold.
Yoona shrugged, shaking her head. "You're right, I don't understand it. So explain it to me, please. Tell me something real, because I'm lost."
Seohyun looked down on her hands, placed nervously on the table in front of her. Yoona felt an inexplicable need to hold them, maybe just to be able to let go, but she wasn't sure. "Like I've told you before," Seohyun said, and Yoona was impressed by her composure, "every time I'm with you, I think of what happened." She paused, looking into Yoona's eyes, burning away some of the anger within them. "I hate that we have to be apart," she added softly, "but I think I would hate it if we were together, too."
Yoona frowned. The admission both shook and tore at her heart. "I know I said to tell me something real, but that was a little harsh."
"I don't mean it like that," Seohyun said, smiling a little again. So at least not all the happiness was gone from the world yet. "I need to make it better before I can feel comfortable with you again. Whether or not you choose to wait for me... that is up to you. Maybe I don't deserve it, but... I wish you would."
Yoona pulled her hands through her hair. A multitude of answers like "I'd wait for you forever" or "You're the only one for me" stacked up behind her lips, but if she was only going to reveal her heart to get shot down, then that could wait. Nothing about the situation made sense anymore, and it only got worse the longer Seohyun spoke. "I still don't understand," she said. "How are you going to make it better?"
"Time," Seohyun said simply.
Yoona shook her head again. "What's done is done. I made my mistakes and I can't take it back -- believe me, I've tried." Seohyun smiled at that. "How is time ever going to make this better?"
"Yoona," Seohyun said, reaching over the table and taking Yoona's hand in hers. Yoona froze, her fingers clenching and releasing the cold hand in hers, unable to decide which attitude to go with. "I don't know when, yet, but I will figure this out."
Yoona decided to just go with it. Let herself get washed away. She grasped Seohyun's hand, without squeezing too hard. "You sound convincing, but this is just your way of saying you don't know, isn't it?" she asked, smiling joylessly.
Seohyun didn't reply at first. Instead, the grip on Yoona's hand loosened, and again Yoona didn't know if she should let go or hold on for all she was worth. Which one would hurt less? "Do you hate me a lot?" Seohyun asked then.
Clenching her jaw, Yoona shook her head. No matter how angry she was, no matter how betrayed she felt, it could never be hate. Not towards Seohyun. "No, I don't."
"Do you think you might?"
Yoona let go of her hand. "Let's not find out?" she said, tilting her head, trying to make Seohyun see how much she actually treasured her, but not wanting to say it out loud. Seohyun laughed a little, relaxing visibly, and Yoona wondered how it was possible. Was Seohyun really this scared of Yoona hating her? Then why had she ignored her so skillfully?
"Right now, all I want is for us to talk again," the youngest said, withdrawing her hand. "No more of this silent treatment. It's driving me insane."
"Can you do that?" Yoona asked, doubting her own ability to just be friends with the other girl very strongly.
"If I have to," Seohyun said, thoughtfully staring out into space somewhere behind Yoona. "Do you want to?"
"No," Yoona said, shaking her head.
Seohyun's eyes widened. "What?"
"I'm just being honest," Yoona continued. "I don't want to be friends. I'll never want to be friends; I'll always want you back. That's just the way it is."
Seohyun tensed again, looking down into her lap, pain of rejection written all over her face. "Oh," she said softly.
"But I'll try," Yoona said, deciding to put her out of her misery. "Because I miss you. But I'll never be able to be happy like that, and I hope you're prepared for that."
Seohyun nodded, smiling weakly. "Then for now... Friends?" she questioned, offering Yoona a friendly smile, one Yoona never wished to see in her direction again.
"Yeah. Friends."
"You did better today," Sunny said as they made their way into the dressing room after dance practice. "The production will be awesome as long as you play the lead."
"Thanks," Seohyun said, somewhat absent-mindedly. Sunny watched her and the way she seemed a little more present, a little more awake, than she had for the past few weeks.
"You seem less distracted,” she said. “How are you holding up?"
Seohyun looked at her, apparently surprised by her observation. She shrugged. "I don't know. A little better, I guess. I exchanged more than two words with Yoona without making her want to commit suicide, at least.” She paused to pull up her sweatpants over her tights. “I call it progress."
"Rightfully so,” Sunny replied, laughing a little, even though she wasn’t really sure of whether or not it was a joke. “That's great, Seohyunnie. How is she?"
The youngest shook her head, turning towards Sunny with a confounded expression. "Not so good. Why? Don't you talk to her?"
"Not much, as of late,” Sunny replied, wincing a little. The time had come to tell her best friend the truth. Honestly, it was already long overdue. And while she knew that Seohyun loved her beyond the telling of it, she wasn’t sure how the younger, with such strong opinions on how things should work, would react to the news.
"Why not? It's not because of me, is it?"
Sunny quickly shook her head. "No. It's..."
Seohyun, now in a casual, everyday attire, stared at her expectantly. "What?" Sunny took a deep breath, and she knew there was no backing down now.
"There's something I need to tell you,” she said carefully. “Something I should have told you ages ago. The girls are starting to find out, and... It's not something I'm proud of." It was becoming increasingly hard to look up from her feet, but she could feel Seohyun observing her.
"Alright," the younger said, somewhat hesitantly.
"I hope you won't think less of me."
Seohyun furrowed her brow. "So don't give me a reason to."
Sunny sank down on one of the benches lining the walls. Seohyun’s eyes never left her face, and she could feel the fear like a physical being in her stomach. Taking a deep breath, she said: "Jessica has been unfaithful to Yuri... with me."
For a moment, Seohyun’s expression didn’t change. She didn’t look angry, upset or disappointed; she didn’t even blink. Seconds ticked by and when Seohyun showed no reaction, Sunny’s heart started beating faster until the point where it almost hurt, because throughout their friendship she had never shown this reaction before, not once. And that couldn’t mean anything good, could it? Just when Sunny was about to plead with her to say something, Seohyun turned away with a simple "Okay."
Sunny lost her breath. "Okay?" she questioned.
Seohyun simply nodded, bending down to pack her dancing attire into her bag. "So, Yoona found out about this, and that's why the two of you don't talk anymore?" she asked casually. So casually, in fact, that Sunny felt a little scared.
"Yes, but..."
"It explains a lot,” Seohyun said. “Jessica's groundless abandonment of Yuri... Her senselessness... Your spontaneous happiness and depression and why you suddenly stopped talking about how you wished you could fall in love.” Sunny looked away again, hearing through the younger’s composed tone how much the younger resented her. “I should have known."
"You're disappointed in me, aren't you?"
Seohyun pursed her lips, and her eyes looked different now. There was a new light in them that Sunny had never seen before. "It's not something I would support, but after my behavior lately I of all people have no right to pass judgment on you,” Seohyun said, and with that, Sunny was tired of all the crypticism.
"Don't hold back,” she said. “I probably deserve to hear it."
But Seohyun just shook her head, pre-occupied still with her packing. "No."
"No?" Sunny asked, frustration piling up in her.
"Jessica went back to Yuri, didn't she?" Seohyun said, still so frustratingly calm.
"Yes,” Sunny nodded. “But that doesn't justify what we did." She waited, wanting any kind of reaction that wasn’t this, and now Seohyun was the one avoiding Sunny’s eyes.
"I know that,” she muttered, “but are you still seeing Jessica?"
"No,” Sunny replied. “It seems like I'm not." The words sounded dull and dead in the empty dressing room, and Sunny felt the same.
Seohyun nodded. "Would you, if she came back to you?"
"Yes," the older replied without hesitation.
They both fell silent for a bit. For a moment, Sunny was sure she had finally done it, finally shown what an awful person she really was, enough for Seohyun to lash out at her, and her heart pounded with expectation. But after another few silent seconds, Seohyun turned to her, her face unreadable. "You must be hurting a lot,” she said.
Sunny could only stare. "Aren't you mad?"
Seohyun shook her head. She sat down next to Sunny on the bench. "Mostly I feel sad for you,” she said. “And Yuri. And Jessica."
"So do I," Sunny said numbly, staring ahead. Seohyun’s cold hand found hers, giving it a light squeeze.
"But it's probably for the best... that it came to an end,” she tried. “For all of your sakes."
Sunny shook her head, not wanting to think about it, and not really wanting to hear the lecture she had been expecting from the youngest. "I was so sure you were going to hate me," she said instead.
Seohyun squeezed her hand tighter. "Is that why you told me?"
Sunny stared at her. "What do you mean?"
"You obviously know you did wrong,” Seohyun explained. “And it seems like you want to pay it back, somehow."
Sunny laughed hollowly, but she tried to think it through. Had she wanted Seohyun to give her a piece of her mind, to remind her how wrong she was now that she seemed to be on the wrong track? "That sounds more like you than me, honestly,” she laughed, thoughts and ideas that she didn’t want to consider colliding in her. “And I don't know... Tiffany kind of convinced me that I was wrong."
Seohyun nodded, and Sunny bit her tongue; she had not planned on telling her that Tiffany (and Sooyoung, and Yoona) knew before Seohyun did. "Makes sense," the younger said, showing no signs of being offended.
They fell silent again, fingers intertwined. Sunny felt empty, because even though she knew and understood Seohyun’s way of thinking, she had been expecting some kind of reaction, and the whole situation felt anti-climactic and left her empty inside. "What do you think I should do?" she asked, almost as a last resort.
"Leave it be,” Seohyun said after a few seconds of consideration. “Let Jessica try to be happy with Yuri.” And then it came, thousands of feelings swelling up and filling her completely, anger about the fact that nobody seemed to understand that Jessica was her happiness, that Jessica had a choice in all of this too, so why couldn’t anyone support her in fighting for her love, for her happiness? Why should she just step down and be unhappy simply because someone else got to her treasure first? “That's the most important thing, right?” Seohyun asked then, breaking her out of her thoughts. “Happiness?"
"Yeah,” Sunny agreed. “So what about mine?"
Jessica wasn't a good liar, nor had she ever been, and when it came to Yuri, it was even worse. Add to that the fact that guilt was now filling her mind so many hours of the day that it felt like a permanent state, one that made her physically nauseous and terrified, and looking Yuri in the eye felt impossible.
All she could do was hold onto her lies whenever it felt necessary, and turn away whenever she couldn't. It wasn't a very good plan in terms of the future, but the future would have to wait. For now, she needed something that would work in the moment, to save herself, because even though she had stopped seeing Sunny it seemed like the crisis was far from over.
And well, according to some people - Tiffany - just ending things with Sunny without saying anything didn't qualify as an actual... break up? Was that the right word to use when Sunny had never been Jessica's girlfriend? Either way, she hadn't exchanged a word with the girl since the night she had planned to break up with Yuri, but even so, she could feel their affair almost like a physical being in her body, like living memories of it, memories that stirred every time Yuri touched her.
So the answer must be setting things straight with Sunny, right? Jessica thought of it a lot, even while she lay next to Yuri in bed with the younger girl's lips sealed with her own, even as they shared body heat and Yuri told her she loved her - and even as she said it back. Since her conversation with Tiffany, the thought had been accompanied by a crippling terror that what if, what if Tiffany decided to tell Yuri if Jessica didn't end things properly with Sunny?
She lay under a thick duvet with Yuri by her side, and she loved her as much as she always had. One of Yuri's hands were planted firmly on the side of her stomach, fingering the material of her t-shirt, and Jessica contemplated whether or not she was bored of her and Yuri's relationship after all these years. Maybe she was only trying to save herself, trying to look for flaws in their relationship before she had a chance to fuck it up (even more), she wasn't sure. But Yuri's lips found hers and she kissed her with as much ferocity as she had the first time they had fallen into bed together, and the responding heat in Jessica's stomach told her that no, she was not bored.
There was no way she could be. Yuri's skin was always warm, she always made sure that Jessica was okay with what happened, what she was doing, where they were heading, and most of all she always told the truth. Jessica felt her hands reaching behind Yuri's back, feeling the precious skin she could never grow tired of, and she remembered how Sunny's hands had been cold on her.
She had wanted to push Yuri's shirt out of the way, pulled her closer and touched her for real, but with Sunny's image in her head, her hands froze, and she stilled. She kissed back to the best of her abilities, but felt her lips strain, almost as if she was about to start crying. Yuri didn't seem to notice, but let her hand wander up to Jessica's chest, and the guilt mixed with unbearable excitement in her stomach.
"Yuri," she mumbled against the other girl's lips, but it came out more as a moan than a protest, and Yuri seemed to interpret it as such. Her hand wandered down under Jessica's shirt, warmth spread with the goose bumps over Jessica's skin, and the older quickly grabbed her hand, stopping it. "Yuri, stop."
Yuri pulled back. "What? What's wrong?" she asked, worriedly observing Jessica's face beside hers.
"Nothing," Jessica said, pushing Yuri's hand off her and rolling over on her back.
"Do you not want to?"
Jessica shrugged, avoiding her girlfriend's eyes. "I just- I'm just not in the mood."
"Not in the mood?" Yuri repeated. Jessica nodded, face towards the ceiling. "Then why didn't you say so?"
Jessica glanced at the girl beside her. Her expression was annoyed and tense, something Jessica had never seen in the situation before. "I just did." Disbelief sparked in Yuri's eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but bit down on her lip instead, and the offended, somehow betrayed look on her face made Jessica's eyes widen. She sat up, and Jessica pulled on the duvet to cover her more fully, trying to hide from what was about to come. This was completely new to her. "What?" she said. Yuri sat with her back against her, not saying a word. And she didn't turn on the light; a big relief to Jessica. She drew a deep breath, feeling her pulse speed up. "Are you seriously pissed at me for not wanting to have sex?"
Yuri sent her a glare over her shoulder. "Jesus, Sica, of course not."
"Then what?" Jessica asked, sitting up and leaning her back against the wall, still under the covers.
Yuri lowered her head. "You said you wanted to break up because I didn't spend enough time with you," she said lowly. "Yet when I'm here, it's like you wish I wasn't."
"Yuri, seriously, I'm just not in the mood for-" Jessica began, dread rising within her. She was not prepared for this conversation.
"It isn't just that," Yuri said, her head leaning back, and Jessica felt sure she had just rolled her eyes. She turned her body towards Jessica, but remained where she was sitting. "I feel like you barely even speak to me anymore."
Jessica folded her arms. "We're talking right now, aren't we?"
"Don't play dumb," Yuri said, without force. As always. "You know what I mean." Jessica avoided Yuri's gaze, wishing the conversation would end, wishing she didn't have to be a part of any of it. "If you're going to leave me, then please just say so."
"I'm not," Jessica said weakly. "I said I wanted to take things slow."
"You did," Yuri nodded, "and then we had sex. So, I guess I'm a little confused about what 'taking it slow' actually means."
"Yuri, seriously, what is this about?" Jessica huffed, wanting to turn towards the wall and sleep it all away. To her horror, tears filled Yuri's eyes.
"You said you wanted to break up, and now you're acting like you're sick of me," the younger said slowly. "So just tell me the truth, Sica. Are you leaving me?"
Jessica climbed up from her position and crawled over to Yuri. "I'm not leaving. I love you." Yuri's tearful eyes stared back at her, questioning her, and she wished she could say Yuri didn't have any reason to not trust her. "Please, stop this. You know me, I run from my problems until I've circled the earth and hit them from the other side," she said, and earned a tilted, joyless smile from her girlfriend. "Do you think I would be here if I didn't want to be?"
Yuri grabbed her hand. The tears were gone from her eyes again, and Jessica thought she should have known. Yuri did not cry easily. "You wouldn't?"
"You know I wouldn't," Jessica replied, some of the dread easing off her shoulders.
"But that night... you were going to leave me, weren't you?"
Jessica looked away. It was very rare to see Yuri so vulnerable, and she was never sure how to deal with it. The trouble was that the only thing that seemed to make her so fragile was Jessica herself. "Yes, I was," she admitted. "But I was crazed. I didn't know what I was doing. I guess loneliness..." she looked away the lies started pouring out again, "can do a lot to people."
She took a hold of Yuri's arm and started pulling her towards her, mostly to flee the piercing look in Yuri's eyes as if she already knew she was lying, and partly to escape into Yuri's embrace, where she didn't always have to be talking. "You're telling the truth, right?" Yuri questioned.
"Yes," Jessica groaned, "now come back to bed. It isn't the same without you."
Yuri didn't have to be asked twice. Before long, she was back sharing her warmth with Jessica, and the latter felt more at ease than she had in a while. "You know, I love you," Yuri said, her hand finding Jessica's messy hair. "And I'll try my hardest not to let you feel alone ever again. But you have to promise to give me a warning if it happens again, okay? I'm not a mind reader."
Jessica nuzzled into Yuri's collarbones. "I don't want to be without you ever again. So forget about it all. It was my fault." And even though it was the truth among the lies, when Yuri wrapped her arms around her again and pulled her close, all she could think about was Sunny.
Tiffany was right. She needed to make it right, and soon.
- 29 -
If she were to be honest, Jessica had been so focused on doing the right thing for Yuri that she had completely forgotten about Sunny's side of the story. Sunny's feelings. Sunny's wants and wishes and ways to deal had all been lost somewhere in Jessica's own guilt, and she realized this when she picked up the phone to call Sunny the following Sunday morning. The realization brought with it new fears and anxieties, because who knew what Sunny's reaction would be? What if she decided to tell everyone, including Yuri, about what had happened between them?
One thing was for sure, at least, and that was that Sunny was not the type to just let things go if she felt it was unfair. So when she pressed 'call' on her cell phone, while sitting on her couch, staring out into the bright and windy landscape below, nervousness that felt like heartburn oozed in her chest.
Sunny picked up after a signal and a half. "Hello?" she said, her voice unsure and clearly expectant.
"Hey," Jessica said weakly. It seemed like she had no words left, nothing to follow that one 'hey'. "It's... it's me."
"So I saw," Sunny replied. Her tone instantly turned dull, and Jessica wanted to cower and run away in fear. Silence fell for a few agonizing seconds. "About damn time, don't you think?"
Jessica swallowed. "I know... It's just... There's been a lot-"
"Spare me your excuses, please," Sunny interrupted. "No matter what you're going to say, replying to a single one of my texts couldn't have been that damn hard, could it?"
Instantly feeling defensive, Jessica pursed her lips to hold back the sarcastic reply that was fighting its way out. "It was. Believe me."
Sunny scoffed. "Sure. I realize you were scared of getting caught, but you didn't say one word to me for... how long is it now? More than two weeks?" Something insecure behind Sunny's angry voice told Jessica that she probably knew exactly how long it had been, but she decided to ignore it.
"You don't know what it's been like," she said instead. "Maybe I've handled this all stupidly, but there's no non-stupid way." Sunny hmmed in response, and Jessica decided to take that as agreement. "I'm not going to give you any explanations, because I don't owe them to you. You're not my girlfriend." She took a deep breath but made sure to do so away from the phone; she knew she was playing it very risky with being so harsh, but knowing herself, she needed to make sure to make her point very clear.
"Right," Sunny said, the volume of her voice instantly rising. "Did you forget the promise you made?"
Jessica pulled up her feet on the couch, wrapping her arm around her legs. "Promise?"
"Yes. The one where you promised you were going to break up with Yuri."
Having no words to defend herself, Jessica sighed. She didn't have time for this. It had to end, and fast. "Tomorrow. I'll come over to your place after school, and we're going to talk this through once and for all. Okay?"
Sunny hesitated. "I have dance practice..."
"This is important," Jessica cut in. "We have to set this straight."
"You mean break up, right?" Sunny said. Her tone was lifeless, and Jessica hoped it would be easier than it seemed.
She bit her lip. "If you prefer that we just end it like this-"
"No," Sunny said, a little too quickly. "No. You're coming over, and you're gonna give me a chance to change your mind."
Jessica paled. That was not what she had in mind at all. "No, look, Sunny-"
"No. You need to give me a chance to speak my mind." She sounded sure of herself, but Jessica was sure it was just an act. "Honestly, after these two weeks, don't you think I deserve that?"
Jessica shook her head at herself, covering her forehead with her hand. "No," she said, "but I'm going to do this the right way from now on. I'm not having this conversation over the phone."
Sunny scoffed again. "Right."
"But I need to be clear," Jessica continued, still set on doing it her own way. "I love Yuri."
"And still you promised to break up with her."
Gritting her teeth, Jessica kept staring outside the window, but it seemed like she could no longer see anything. All she could hear, feel and see was Yuri's face as she cried, pleading with Jessica to stay with her, and Sunny's eyes, the way she had observed her so carefully right before she came. "I just got crazy for a while. That's all."
There was a short laugh on the other end of the line, and Jessica could feel the hurt in it. "That's all, huh?" Sunny repeated.
"We'll talk about this tomorrow," Jessica bit out in reply. "Let's stop now before we say too much."
"Fine."
"And speaking of saying too much," Jessica said, suddenly remembering something she had been wondering about for the past week. "Why did you tell Tiffany about us?"
"I-I didn't!" Sunny said. "Are you nuts? I thought you did."
"Like I would?" Jessica asked back, completely dumbfounded. "Do I want to ruin my own life?" Sunny muttered something unintelligible in reply, and Jessica decided that she didn't want to know. "So if you didn't tell her, how did she find out?"
Sunny sighed. "You'll have to ask her about that."
"Right."
"But either way," Sunny continued, "let's continue this tomorrow. Come over directly after school, don't waste time, and... Just don't let me down this time."
Not wanting to agree with anything the other girl said, but also too exhausted to fight, Jessica nodded to herself. "Okay."
"Also..." The younger tried, searching for words in a way that made Jessica hold her breath. "Thank you."
Jessica frowned. "For?"
"For talking to me before I lost my head," Sunny replied lowly. She sounded calmer now, not as angry, but despite what Jessica had thought, it didn't feel better. Not even close. "I didn't... and still don't know what to do without you."
It overwhelmed her like a wave of fire; the hurt in Sunny's voice seemed to dig through her chest and into her heart. But no, she thought, she was not going to do this again, not going to give Sunny the power over her, make her stay. "See you tomorrow," she said simply, hung up the phone, and threw it on her bed, where Yuri had been sleeping only a couple of hours earlier.
200 meters away, Sunny was clutching her phone still tightly in her hand, tears streaming into her pillow, while Jessica's words still echoed in her head. She wanted a life where she could put a heart after Jessica's name in the list of contacts in her phone, where she could sit in class and write the blonde's name in her notebook over and over and over again, and when she was sad, people would automatically assume she'd had a fight with her, because Jessica was the ultimate source of her happiness.
She loved her. God, she loved her. But after the pain, after the wait, after all the uncertainty, she couldn't be sure of why anymore.
Chapter 28: "I love her."