This journal has seen four years of my life pass, from when I started it at sixteen and angsty through my entire last years as (legally anyway) a teenager ( Read more... )

in a way i want to tell myself that i am not capable of trying to keep him from coming apart when i'm not sure yet the extent of the damage to my own parts ( Read more... )

by the end of the day now i'm tired so it doesn't matter anymore but these mornings of quiet terror and choking back tears make me wish i could sleep for days and standing behind the counter at work sometimes i look around me for a second and realize i have no clue where i am or what i'm doing or what the people around me are saying, i don't know ( Read more... )

the lack of updating to this makes me slightly ashamed. but the simple fact is that due to what was going on i have not thought to write here ( Read more... )

i feel as if i am slowly shrinking and everything is going either so slowly or so quickly that i can't see it moving. nothing exists but the four cinderblock walls enclosing the shape and the form of a universe in which i am careening too quickly or too slowly, unable to see anything for my eyes shut tight and pressed against my inner arm to hide ( Read more... )

maybe it's just me but somehow i don't feel that i should have to experience this much difficulty just trying to spend a fucking minute alone with someone i'm in a relationship with ( Read more... )

nothing makes me quite as "suicidal" as the realization that i mean nothing. my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, they mean absolutely nothing. they change nothing. they affect nothing and no one. they do nothing. i am completely insignificant and irrelevant and as such have no purpose whatsoever. that is my greatest fear realized, ( Read more... )

there is something to be said i have to admit for the softness of these petals, for the rich deep silvers and blues and trembling reds of their colors, for the raw pinks and oranges and the shivering whites, these silky waxy-leaved ache-blossoms blooming one after another in clusters inside my chest (all right, that is a slightly disgusting image ( Read more... )

Well.
This, if nothing else, should be interesting.

a few days ago ravon and i were talking (yeah, i know right? rofl.) and with the usual irritatingly astute way she has she pointed out something that she noticed about me which i consider incredibly obvious but apparently nobody but she figured it out: that when something hurts me rather than either cry or say i'm hurt or whatever i just start ( Read more... )