Mar 19, 2010 02:12
maybe it's just me but somehow i don't feel that i should have to experience this much difficulty just trying to spend a fucking minute alone with someone i'm in a relationship with.
open or not, i'm pretty sure that sometimes individual time with each other is just as important as learning to be with one another all at once, and right now the scale is really not tipped on my side. the only times that i'm alone with him are when mary goes to the bathroom/car and when he and i go downstairs to smoke a cigarette together. other than that, every minute of the day, it's three of us or it's the two of them.
it wasn't bothering me so much as i was trying just to be able to clearly see us as something that didn't have to threaten me personally, but even as i grow more comfortable between them i grow more and more bitter, more and more irritated with her constant clinging and with seeing his back on the rare occasion that we sleep, more and more resentful of the fact that she has the trip down here, the impending trip back, the first night they spent here, all the times when i had to leave the room because it was so hard to deal, plus any other times when i had to leave the room, e.g. for class, with him whereas all i have had are what i said already: when she goes to the bathroom or the car and when we smoke.
i ran out of cigarettes today. all three of my packs are gone because i either shared with him, shared with christina or smoked them myself. i want to comment on the fact that i have to do something like that just to be alone with him but i happen to like smoking itself, though it will never be something i'd do on a regular basis, so i don't want to bring that into it.
i don't want her to go away forever. i just fucking want a moment where it isn't maryandtroy, or maryandtroy and me. i don't feel like it's unfair or selfish of me to ask for that, and i feel like it is unfair that i should even have to ask. she certainly doesn't have to.
for once i actually did express that aloud, more than once; i even told him about how i felt like he loved her more. nonetheless, he doesn't want anyone to feel left out and she acts like she's incapable of being by herself or of amusing herself without one or both of us being there and given his tendency to protect her from everything it's not likely that unless she instigates it herself they're ever going to be separated for more than a few minutes' time.
and in the meantime i'm going to just keep smoking until my head aches and i can't sing, and writing journal entries like this.
here they come, though. i have to close this.
friday,
relationships,
thinking,
irritation,
march,
frustration,
troy,
jealousy,
school year