(no subject)
So I was in an awesome mood until something changed it dramatically. I'm not sure what it was. I think it might have been delving into my pictures to send one to Michael of me and Melissa kissing, because he was nagging me to. And then on Facebook I realised that she's again changed her interested in option, now she's just interested in men. I know she's not just that, because she's always going on about how her family are narrow minded, so she's probably changed it back because of that. But she has been adding random girls lately, and one posted a massive porn pic on her fun wall, so maybe she's been noticed. It depresses me a bit, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the doubting train of thought that's always going around the back of my head. Something along the lines of "maybe she never really was interested in me at all, she kept saying that she knew how to turn people on, how to be exactly who they wanted even if it wasn't who she was, how she'd played so many people, I just hoped she hadn't played me." I sent her a message on Facebook, of course trying to be all casual about writing it because I know that she picks those things up. I'm trying not to be too interested. I'm trying not to be too let down by the fact that she said she wouldn't be back here until June. I dismissed myself to her, like I always do, and I'm still wondering if she noticed, and if she did notice, why doesn't she tell me how much I do mean to her, whether it be not much at all or what. Because I really don't know. She apologised for not telling me she was coming down, and said that she saw her best friends for like half an hour. I said that it was alright because it wasn't a social visit, she had things to do and people to see, and that she saw her best friends so no one else should matter. I'm not in that best friends, and I know it, and it depresses me a little, because I've never been in anyone's best friends.
Michael and I just had a good talk about sex. The way we used to, before school ended and all that shit happened with Amy and before he kind of dropped off the face of the earth and then resurfaced. Back like in the good old days sitting around the table at school with Charlotte and Ally and Mark, talking about sex. The closest things I had ever had to best friends, and now I've kind of got one back. The talk now though is more in depth. We've done more, been with more people, experienced more, grown into different people, and it's great catching up. Sex is one of my favourite topics. That's how I ended up jumping into the pictures of Melissa.
So sorry Drena, but now I am kind of still heart broken over Melissa, but no, I don't want you to swim over here to protect me! I need to get her out of my head, but seeing as she is the only girl I've ever had a good time with, and the only girl I know that I could possibly have another good time with, that's going to be hard. Here I am hoping that a girl falls into my lap, one that things will work out with, and one that will push Melissa out of my head, because she's told me countless times that she can't offer more than friendship, and the occasional fuck.
And another thing on Melissa. God I should just make a journal completely dedicated to her!
This morning Mark again touched me like she used to touch me. I didn't feel like sex as it was, but after that I really didn't feel like sex. Not with Mark anyway. I wanted her, or rather just a girl. I love the girl-boy-girl dynamic and I would do that all the time if I knew someone. It gives me what I want, which is both. I don't not like having sex with Mark, but I love having sex with girls. It's just better, different, I shouldn't say better, you can't compare the two. And then afterwards Mark said that I seemed like I wasn't enjoying sex, which is party true and partly not very true at all. Lately I'm just not in the mood at all, and I think it is because of Melissa, and because I don't know any other girls and I'm really just wanting the female touch. But wanting isn't enough to make something happen, so at the moment I'm lonely and a little bit on the depressed side. I just feel like I'm missing out, because it always seems that everyone else gets what they want (Michael: "if I wanted to see girls kissing I could just go across the street with a bottle of tequila"). I just want something to work out for me. I just want to find a girl, but I know I'm probably not going to find one here. This town is too small. I need to get out of here. Wouldn't that be the ultimate opportunity for changing everything.
So I guess I'm just ranting about life and love now, but that's what all the great stories are comprised of. I haven't studied nearly as much as I've wanted to, but I got out taking photos with my aunty's camera today, and that was fun.
Man I honestly feel so overwhelmed at the moment. My study mountain is getting higher, and no matter how much I do there is still stacks more. I'm about to start my five days of work, five hour shifts each so it's not too bad.My room is a mess. There is so much I want to have done.
Oh and Kayla just messaged me about an hour ago telling me that they broke up. Now I'm worrying about her, as well as study, boyfriend stuff, Melissa, keeping a social life, and worrying about how my room got so messed up. I really don't know how she's going to cope with her baby now that he's left her, she's too young! I told her that I was there if she ever needed me, but I'm not even sure I can cope with that right now. I've been neglecting OYETTS lately, and I really have to do things with that, but I'm really just trying to find some sort of stable ground that I can base a routine on.
So I am off to study now, and I'm thinking that I'll do one sociology question and that will be enough for today.
Michael and I just had a good talk about sex. The way we used to, before school ended and all that shit happened with Amy and before he kind of dropped off the face of the earth and then resurfaced. Back like in the good old days sitting around the table at school with Charlotte and Ally and Mark, talking about sex. The closest things I had ever had to best friends, and now I've kind of got one back. The talk now though is more in depth. We've done more, been with more people, experienced more, grown into different people, and it's great catching up. Sex is one of my favourite topics. That's how I ended up jumping into the pictures of Melissa.
So sorry Drena, but now I am kind of still heart broken over Melissa, but no, I don't want you to swim over here to protect me! I need to get her out of my head, but seeing as she is the only girl I've ever had a good time with, and the only girl I know that I could possibly have another good time with, that's going to be hard. Here I am hoping that a girl falls into my lap, one that things will work out with, and one that will push Melissa out of my head, because she's told me countless times that she can't offer more than friendship, and the occasional fuck.
And another thing on Melissa. God I should just make a journal completely dedicated to her!
This morning Mark again touched me like she used to touch me. I didn't feel like sex as it was, but after that I really didn't feel like sex. Not with Mark anyway. I wanted her, or rather just a girl. I love the girl-boy-girl dynamic and I would do that all the time if I knew someone. It gives me what I want, which is both. I don't not like having sex with Mark, but I love having sex with girls. It's just better, different, I shouldn't say better, you can't compare the two. And then afterwards Mark said that I seemed like I wasn't enjoying sex, which is party true and partly not very true at all. Lately I'm just not in the mood at all, and I think it is because of Melissa, and because I don't know any other girls and I'm really just wanting the female touch. But wanting isn't enough to make something happen, so at the moment I'm lonely and a little bit on the depressed side. I just feel like I'm missing out, because it always seems that everyone else gets what they want (Michael: "if I wanted to see girls kissing I could just go across the street with a bottle of tequila"). I just want something to work out for me. I just want to find a girl, but I know I'm probably not going to find one here. This town is too small. I need to get out of here. Wouldn't that be the ultimate opportunity for changing everything.
So I guess I'm just ranting about life and love now, but that's what all the great stories are comprised of. I haven't studied nearly as much as I've wanted to, but I got out taking photos with my aunty's camera today, and that was fun.
Man I honestly feel so overwhelmed at the moment. My study mountain is getting higher, and no matter how much I do there is still stacks more. I'm about to start my five days of work, five hour shifts each so it's not too bad.My room is a mess. There is so much I want to have done.
Oh and Kayla just messaged me about an hour ago telling me that they broke up. Now I'm worrying about her, as well as study, boyfriend stuff, Melissa, keeping a social life, and worrying about how my room got so messed up. I really don't know how she's going to cope with her baby now that he's left her, she's too young! I told her that I was there if she ever needed me, but I'm not even sure I can cope with that right now. I've been neglecting OYETTS lately, and I really have to do things with that, but I'm really just trying to find some sort of stable ground that I can base a routine on.
So I am off to study now, and I'm thinking that I'll do one sociology question and that will be enough for today.