Out of Choices - Chapter 43
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 43: Decision (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:7,539
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
43. Decision
A/N: If you’re still reading this story, that means you’ve heard me declare 42 or so times that Twilight doesn’t belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I’m just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.
I’m going to break this into two chapters I think, because it’s so long, but I’ll post them both today. It will be two for one OOC Monday today.
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I’ve gotten some really wonderful reviews lately and I will answer them, but I figure you guys would rather have story than replies, so right now with my time limited, I ask for your continued patience.
A continuation of Retrograde, so if you haven’t read it yet, go back and read it first.
From Edward’s POV…
I had spent countless hours considering what I could do to preserve Bella’s life, never once seriously considering changing her. In a perfect world, had we been granted the opportunity to discuss the option of immortality and transformation, I would know what Bella’s choice was, but we had not been afforded that luxury. I had the means to keep Bella beside me forever but that’s the rub: it was not my decision to make. It was Bella’s decision, and Bella’s alone. My time with Bella would always be precious, and I had to find a way to make it be enough. That was the only decision that was mine to make. Still, as much as I tried to ignore the option, I found myself considering Rosalie’s idea in spite of myself.
Another day passed in unresponsiveness. I had a sense that Bella was slipping further out of my reach, not from any medical training I had or from any change in Bella’s consciousness, but because of our connection. The energy that sparkled between us continued to dwindle. The current of electricity, once white-hot and almost alive, barely flickered now, like a dying flame with nothing left to burn. I pushed my energy at her, willing her acceptance of it, trying to give the connection life, but it made no difference.
I stayed by her side, always holding her hand, and talked to her. I shared memories of my initial impressions of her and all of the things I felt and thought along our journey - the shock of her profanity, the elation of falling in love, the fear of losing or hurting her. If she was able to hear me, some of the things I admitted surely shocked her, like how badly I wanted to strike Mike Newton, or that I considered using my considerable persuasive skills to have both of Jessica Stanley’s parents fired in an effort to get them to leave town. I tried to stay happy and effuse positive energy, and I was sure that if Bella were able to talk back to me, she would have told me I “sucked at it.”
The results of Bella’s EEG were becoming more dismal. Each day her brain activity was slowing. It was becoming impossible not to face the truth that was in front of me, but I still chose to ignore it most of the time. She was young and healthy, and people came out of comas all the time. It only made sense that Bella would defy the odds. She always did. I refused to believe that she survived her mother’s death only long enough to endure the pain of the loss before her own life would be taken. It just didn’t seem fair or righteous.
Charlie was at his wit’s end. He couldn’t get his head wrapped around the idea that she may never awaken. He knew there was nothing further medically wrong with her, and that her body had to take time to heal, but he couldn’t come to terms with the notion of her slipping away from us. He felt like he’d only just gotten her back and he was angry at the entire situation. He and Carlisle were discussing options, and decided to have a specialist come in from Seattle, for a second opinion. It made sense - I only wished I’d thought of it first.
Dr. Hanson arrived that afternoon. She was well known in the field of neurology, a respected specialist who was on the cutting edge of several new therapies and taking part in multiple clinical trials. She had an uncommonly sympathetic heart for a doctor of her standing. She spoke to Bella as if Bella was fully cognizant, including her in all of the conversations she had with Charlie and my father. She held Bella’s hand while she explained what she intended to do, almost as if she was asking for Bella’s permission to touch her or perform tests on her. I liked Dr. Hanson very much. What I didn’t like was her prognosis. It was not unexpected, but I would have preferred to have Carlisle’s findings proven incorrect. They were not. Dr. Hanson felt Bella was falling further into a vegetative state. She didn’t want to go as far as saying Bella was heading towards death, but I believed it was only her compassion that kept her from making that conclusion when no one asked the question directly.
By the end of the day, Bella’s breathing was uneven and laboured at times, a side effect of the coma, and another sign that her brain function was faltering. Carlisle explained to Charlie and I that she would have to be put on a ventilator if her condition continued to deteriorate. It was the final blow to the last few shreds of hope I held onto.
After my father left, and Charlie and I were alone with Bella, Charlie admitted his fears aloud to me.
“We’re going to lose her, aren’t we, Edward?” he murmured in a pained voice.
I shrugged and gave the most honest answer I could think of. “I don’t want to think about it or believe it could be true.”
“But it is true. Dr. Hanson confirmed what Carlisle found. Every day Bella slips a little further away from us…and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do about it.”
“No, there isn’t,” I whispered.
“I mean, you’re a smart guy…a rich guy…if there were some place we could take her to get her help, some fancy expensive clinic in Switzerland or somewhere, you’d tell me about it, right? You know money is no object, don’t you? I’d sell my house, cash in my retirement savings…I sell a goddamn kidney if I needed to. I don’t even care if I have to die if she can live.”
“I feel the same way. If money were the only thing standing in the way of Bella’s recovery, she’d already be in Switzerland. It’s not the money, Charlie, and I know you’d give anything for even the slightest chance of helping her recover.”
“It’s all for shit though, isn’t it? The universe must hate me, keeping my daughter from me for all these years, only to finally give her back to me for a few short months and steal her away permanently. I must be a pretty horrible human being to be crapped on so badly.” His voice trailed off in a mumble. His self-aspersion reminded me very much of something his daughter would say. The apple really didn’t fall far from the tree.
“It seems impossible to be grateful for the few short moments I’ve had with her right now,” I murmured thoughtfully.
“You know what I mean though, don’t you? Probably better than anyone else.”
“I do,” I agreed.
“I just got her back,” he whispered, his voice breaking as tears welled in his eyes.
I wanted to tell him that I felt the same - that I was fighting against the unfairness of losing her because I couldn’t accept reality - but I couldn’t admit it out loud. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to cry, too, but of course I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t. Instead I just gently nodded in agreement.
“I know you did.”
“I’ve got to get out of here for a bit,” Charlie announced abruptly, swiping the back of his hand across his eyes to blot the tears that threatened to fall. “You’ll stay with her, won’t you?”
“I’ll be here,” I assured him.
“I just don’t want her to be alone, you know…just in case?”
“I don’t want her to be alone either,” I agreed.
“You’re a good kid, Edward. I wouldn’t exactly wish for my girl to find the love of her life at seventeen. It’s young to settle down…but I couldn’t have asked for a better guy for her.”
“Thank you,” I murmured, swallowing thickly to clear the lump that formed in my throat.
“You guys could have been the two to beat the odds, I think - the couple that stayed together and were happy for the rest of your lives.”
I nodded my head, unable to speak. I didn’t trust my voice, and I would only upset Charlie further if I let my emotions get the better of me. He kissed Bella’s forehead, and walked out of the room without another word.
I blew out a big breath once Charlie was out of earshot, when I knew it was safe to let go of my control. His words resonated with me - that Bella and I would have been the couple to beat the odds and find forever happiness together. Of course he couldn’t know what forever meant for me, but I liked his idea of forever, too - that I could have given Bella a lifetime of happiness. It was the ‘could have’ that I struggled with - the promise of what could have been, how badly I wanted to keep that promise and the enormity of what I stood to lose - the “could” that should have been a “would.” I still wanted to give it to her, for both of us. I wanted to find a way to make the situation work so that Bella might have the opportunity at a long life. Carlisle and Alice were researching all avenues, but there was nothing promising.
In some ways, it was easier not to know what I needed, because the pain of no longer having it seemed insurmountable. I was suddenly face to face with exactly the fear that kept Bella from letting me into her heart sooner - the pain resulting from the loss of love - and I had never understood Bella so well. The pain was precise and piercing and endless. It was a wonder she ever gave me the chance to let me love her.
I decided to tell her about my decision to love her even if she never loved me back. It was the night of our almost date at the Kalaloch Lodge that I realized I would have to make whatever she gave me be enough, even if it was nothing more than her disdain.
I was so frustrated that night. Late for our date because the sun trapped me, I knew it would devastate the trust Bella had placed in me. Although I tried to apologize and explain, Bella wanted no part of it. I could not accept her lies that she did not care for me, so I challenged her to kiss me to prove she felt nothing, certain I would be able to get her to relinquish her stubborn negativity with my touch. I used everything I had in me to goad her reaction, and was on the verge of giving up when I finally got her to respond, only to have her turn it around on me when I was sure she’d given into her feelings. She pushed me away and hid in her room.
I related how I snuck into her room through her window that night, and stayed outside her window even longer, just to be sure she was okay. I explained to her that I knew then, with uncommon clarity and indubitability, that I would never get over the need to comfort and protect her, and that I would give her endless chances to come to me if she needed me, always available for her no matter what. In a way, it was like dedicating my life to her. My life was hers to do what she would with from then on, whether she knew it or not, even if she had no use for it.
I tried to harness those same feelings now - selfless devotion, contentment and gratefulness for even the tiniest of gestures - to accept the gift I had been given in knowing and loving Bella as enough, trying to ignore the whispers that it was too short a time. I was unable to reconcile the two.
Charlie returned after a while, as I expected he would. I knew he could not stay away from Bella for long. I could tell from his stagger and his scent that he was intoxicated. I couldn’t blame him for trying to disengage from the pain of losing her. I was looking for the same circumvention without any success.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured to no one in particular as he stumbled towards the bed.
“Are you okay, Charlie?” I inquired.
“No. I’m not okay. I’m never going to be okay again,” he explained in a pain-filled whisper.
“It’s very unfair,” I mumbled, trying to control my own feelings and focus on Charlie. He obviously needed someone to talk to.
“Unfair?” he questioned looking over at me with a disgruntled expression. “You have no fucking idea.”
“Tell me then,” I encouraged.
“I fucked up, Edward. I was a stupid prick to Bella’s mother - smug and naïve. I thought she would come crawling back to me. Even after she left, I was dumb enough to believe that it was only a matter of time before she would come to her senses and beg me to take her back. I was too proud to get off pompous ass and fight for her, and, because of that, I lost both my girls.”
“There was no way to know that Bella was your daughter, Charlie. Don’t rake yourself over the coals for that.”
“I should have known. There was a part that wondered, buried deep down, but I ignored it, like a stupid shit.” His hand pushed roughly through his short hair, rubbing back and forth as he thought. “So many lost years…”
“Perhaps it’s better to focus on the moments you shared?” I suggested, feeling hypocritical for trying to distract him when I couldn’t take my own advice.
“It was easy not to regret the lost time when we had so many years ahead of us…but now…now all I feel is regret…regret and pain.”
“She loves you, Charlie, and that says a great deal. Bella completely shut down when she lost her mother. You should understand how much you mean to her - so much that she was able to love you even with a broken heart.”
“It’s not enough, Edward. I want more.” The pain in his voice was palpable and overwhelming, or perhaps I just understood it too intimately.
“I do, too,” I admitted in a tiny voice.
“There’s got to be something we can do. You’re a resourceful young man. There has got to be something you’ve thought of that I haven’t.”
“There isn’t,” I lied.
“You’re just going to let her die?” he accused angrily. It was the alcohol talking, but it still made me feel unbelievably deplorable.
“It’s not up to me,” I murmured, although it felt like mendacity.
“Someone has to take charge here. I can’t make her come back, Edward. I’m only her father. Maybe if you beg her, tell her how much you need and love her, maybe it will be enough to make her come back?”
“I’ve tried,” I insisted. I didn’t want to shoulder any more guilt or blame; my burden was great enough, but as much as I wanted to jettison the responsibility back onto Charlie, to yell that I’d been begging her for days not to give up fighting and to come back to me, I knew it would do no good. He was a man on the verge of losing everything that meant something to him, just like I was. More responsibility or upset was not what he needed. He needed someone who understood, and no one understood better than I did.
“Try again,” he impelled. “You told me the other day you’d walk through fire for her, that you’d go to the ends of the Earth to make up for the things you did that hurt her. The fire is right there in front of you, Edward. Get walking.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. My hands were tied. I couldn’t give him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that I could bring his daughter back but only as a monster, and I couldn’t do that to Bella.
“Can’t, or wont?”
Charlie’s accusatory glare was making me uncomfortable, and the weight of his allegations left my head spinning. Was it even the same thing? Was saving Bella from death and making her a monster the same thing as walking through fire for her? The pain of transformation aside, I was damning her to an immortal life as a sinister supernatural creature, and without her permission. I didn’t know how to justify it. What if she hated me for doing it? Living for eternity without her would be better than having her despise me for forever, better than seeing her every day of my immortal life knowing I could never have her. Certainly she would continue to live, but not the life she currently had. If Charlie were reason enough to change her, how would she feel about that transformation when he was gone? Even if Charlie could accept Bella as a vampire, he would only be alive for another fifty odd years. If Bella held my choice to change her against me, would she want to roam the Earth alone for eternity after Charlie was gone?
“If there was something you could do to bring her back and you didn’t, well…I would never forgive you.”
“What if I could bring her back, Charlie? Would you accept her, even if she wasn’t the same person?” I charged.
“Of course, I would. She’ll always be my Bells,” he declared smugly.
“What if she doesn’t look the same, or behave the same? What if bringing her back would change her into something other than the Bella you know and love?”
“You’re full of shit and excuses. I spent her whole life observing from the sidelines. It would sure as hell be better to do that than not have her at all.”
“Even if she hated you for it?” I wondered.
“Even if she never forgave me. I’d rather spend a lifetime trying to get her to forgive me for making the wrong decision than spend a lifetime regretting not trying.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do,” I lamented quietly under my breath.
“No, Edward, you don’t know what you’re asking me to do. You’re asking me to let go of my baby girl when there is a remote chance that she could be saved. I don’t care what she becomes as long as she’s alive.”
He wasn’t thinking clearly under the influence of the alcohol, but I understood his desperation to hold onto his daughter. He didn’t have all the facts though, and I had to make him comprehend what he was asking for.
“She won’t be alive, Charlie. She’ll be somewhere between alive and dead, in a state that would be little different than what she is in right now.”
“But she wouldn’t be dead, right? I wouldn’t have to put her into a casket and bury her in the ground, like I did with Renee?”
It was a very black and white decision for Charlie. In his mind, just like Rosalie’s, there was no other choice but to save Bella, and saving her was as simple as turning on a light switch.
“No, you wouldn’t, but it’s much more complicated than what you’re thinking. There would be a lot of pain initially, and I’m not even sure I could do it. I might kill her in the process.”
“She’s going to die anyway, Edward. You’d only be ending her suffering if it didn’t work,” he justified.
He didn’t understand what killing her would do to me, how heavily the responsibility of taking her last breath from her wore on me. Part of my choice to live against my natural instinct to feed on human blood was born of the respect for life that resulted from my transformation. I would never be able to forgive myself if I failed her.
“Just tell me how to do it and I’ll do it,” he offered, sensing my reluctance. His thoughts were chaotic as he tried to figure out what the cure for Bella’s condition might be, leaning towards the notion of an experimental drug.
“It’s not that simple, Charlie. It’s something I would have to do it myself.”
I began to question my own sanity - why I was even considering this, and why I was giving Charlie this much information. I doubted he would remember it in the morning, given his state of inebriation and the large amount of stress he was under, but I had to wonder if, subconsciously, I needed to talk about it. I hadn’t tried very hard to dissuade him from talking about it. I told myself it was because I was trying to be there for Charlie, and I was, but was I trying to use Charlie in the same way for myself, as a sounding board?
“What would you do?” he wondered.
“I can’t tell you. If we did this, you would have to trust me to do the right thing.”
“I do trust you, kid. I let you be with my daughter. I know you love her, and I know you’d do your best to do right by her.”
A million thoughts ran through my head. I questioned not only whether I could change her, but also if could I live with myself if I did something wrong and killed her. There was my bloodlust to consider. I’d essentially conquered the smell of Bella’s blood, but the taste was an entirely different matter. Was I strong enough to stay focused on saving her to resist the call of her blood? I had proven my strength in every other way, but at this moment, this was the only way that really mattered.
Without Bella, I was nothing, but who would Bella be if I erased my presence in her life? Would she be the witty and caring woman that she became with me, or would she have remained the fearful angry girl that I met some months ago? Would she have healed without me? Remembered how to trust and love without the safety of my unconditional devotion? Could I take credit for what she grew into, or was the idea that I was able to help her turn things around only smug wishful thinking? Could the grief of losing her mother help her understand how desperately I wanted to hold on to her? How afraid I was to lose her?
I still felt like I shouldn’t even be considering the option of transformation since I didn’t know how Bella felt about it. It was all conjecture on my part that she would choose to live an immortal life in place of dying. Would she choose to be changed to extend her time with Charlie? Or me? I wanted her with me, and recognized that wish for the selfish desire that it was, but I couldn’t easily separate my selfishness from what her inclinations might be. There was too much overlap, too much intimacy in our connection. It blurred the lines between need and want to the point of confusion.
I tried to focus my thoughts. Letting Bella die was a waste; she made the world a better place by being a part of it. Keeping her in this world was what Charlie wanted, and while I couldn’t do that in the exact manner he desired, I could help him hold on to his daughter. I wanted to keep her here with us…with me. As much as I wanted my time with her as a human to be enough, it wasn’t. I wanted to have the woman I loved beside me for eternity, even if the only way I could keep her with me was to transform her into something unnatural. A wave of relief washed over me in admitting what I wanted, but what would she want?
I had to be sure of her intentions, or as sure as I could be. Certainly she loved me, that fact I never doubted, but did I know enough of Bella to be sure that my choice would be her choice? She told me in her letter she wanted a future with me, that she wanted the chance to build a life with me. She had already looked past so much. Could she look past this if it was something she didn’t want? Could I bear her hatred if it followed me for eternity?
When she was certain that I was dying, her choice was to spend every possible minute by my side, to face whatever the future had for us, good or bad, together. She believed that you have to use the time you are given, but what if I could extend that time? She knew the only way I would leave her was in death. Given the choice, would she choose a life with me over death?
I began to wonder if she had given me an answer without realizing the question. Her letter said she was in our relationship for as long as a forever as we had. She had no doubts that we would stay together, that we had a forever kind of love. Forever. She wanted forever with me. It was within my capabilities to give her what she wished for, what I wished for. I could give her forever.
In that moment, I came to understand that the tangible connection between us, one that could not be articulated to an appropriate degree of comprehension, went so deep that it had come to define who each of us was. In the same way that there was no me without Bella, there was no Bella without me. She made me who I was, and I made Bella who she was, and neither of us could survive intact without the other.
In the absence of her permission, this had to be my decision. Changing Bella had to be my responsibility fully, and I would have to answer for my actions if it turned out to be the wrong choice. The blame would be mine and mine alone. It would be the grandest gesture of faith that I had ever been faced with, and I loved her enough to take the risk.
I looked at Charlie’s anxious, uneasy face and gave him my decision.
“Charlie, I need you to go check Bella out. Tell them you are taking her home, that she would want to spend the last few hours of her life at home, like her mother did.”
“You know about that?”
“I do. Bella told me everything. I will…” Charlie interrupted me before I could finish.
“What are you going to do?”
“I can’t tell you. I need you to trust me to do this my way, and if anything goes wrong, or if she doesn’t make it, I will get in touch with you immediately.”
“I want to be there,” Charlie demanded.
“My way, Charlie. You can’t be there, nor would Bella want you to be there to watch what she has to go through.”
“But...”
“No exceptions, Charlie. As hard as it seems, I need you to say your goodbyes to Bella right now. I will do my damndest to bring her back to you, to both of us. I have to take her away from Forks though, and she won’t be able to return. Things will be too incongruous. She will look different when you see her again. The changes in her will be striking. We will have to start a new life somewhere else, and it may not even be safe for her to see you at first.”
“Not safe? What the fuck are you going to do to her, Edward?”
“I’m going to make her like me.” It was the least complicated truth I could give him.
“And what does that mean?”
“It means you’ll get to keep her in your life, but she has to abandon the life she has in order to do that, sort of like the witness protection program. You will be the only one who can see her. The rest of the world has to believe she has died. You have a role to play in this, Charlie. You can’t let anyone know what we’ve done. You’ll have to go through the pretense of a funeral and accept everyone’s condolences, knowing you’re deceiving each and every person. In fact, it might be easier for you to disappear too. I’ll have Alice make the arrangements - the obituary, a flight, and a hotel for a couple of days. When you get back, you can tell people that you took Bella back to Phoenix to bury her with her mother. You’ll have fewer people to deal with that way, and you’ll only have to lie to the people that bother to ask after her. In the meantime, I will find us a place to live and you can follow if you choose.”
“I feel like there is something you’re not telling me,” Charlie probed.
“There are things you can’t know, for your own well-being, but I’m telling you as much as I’m safely able to. It comes down to trust and truly embracing the idea of saving Bella at any cost.”
I cruelly preyed on Charlie’s desperation, but it worked. He only wanted to save his daughter. His mind shifted away from the questions he had about how Bella would be saved, and focused only on the idea of saving her.
“How long before we know if it worked?”
“Seventy-two hours, give or take.”
“And you’re sure I can’t be there?” he questioned again.
“It’s for the best if you’re not.”
He nodded stiffly and walked out to make the arrangements to have Bella discharged. My phone was already vibrating in my pocket. I didn’t need to answer to know it would be Alice and that she would be offering help, but I answered it anyway.
“I need you to come pick up Charlie. He’ll need a flight to Phoenix and a hotel for two nights, and could you take care of the obituary? Just something simple, and explain that Bella will be returning to Phoenix to be laid to rest beside her mother.”
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Alice asked quietly.
“Yes,” I whispered, feeling weighted by my decision, as if I’d had already committed the act.
“I can’t see the future yet. Are you sure you’re decided?”
“I am decided. I’m taking Bella to the cabin by Lake Ozette, and I’ll contact you once she emerges.”
“Why won’t you let us help you, Edward? Carlisle has changed four of us successfully. At the very least, he could make sure you do it without error.”
“It has to be all me, Alice. I don’t even know if she wants this, and if she doesn’t, I don’t want her to blame anyone else. It’s my decision; no one else’s, so no one else needs to be there. I have to be the one to explain everything when she wakes up, and beg her forgiveness if I’ve wronged her.”
“I know, Edward, but it’s not that you’re unsupported in your decision. We all want this; no one wants Bella to die.”
“It goes deeper than blame, Alice. It has to be my venom that transforms her. I want her to know that I love her enough to risk everything, that I have no reservations, that I want all of her for forever. She’s my soul mate, and giving our love a chance to live for eternity has to be my risk, no one else’s.”
“Okay,” she acquiesced, her voice softened in understanding.
“And would you mind refraining from looking for her future, just for a little while, to give me some privacy to do this without an audience, please?”
“Don’t you want to know if she’ll make it, once it becomes clear?”
“Right now, I only know that if I take her life, I don’t want anyone observing my failure.”
“You know we’ll just be a few minutes away if you need anything…anything at all.”
“I know, and thank you for understanding.”
“I don’t really understand your choice to do this alone,” she admitted, “but I trust you. How deeply you love Bella has never been more clear, and that’s enough for me.”
“I just hope Bella sees it.”
“I don’t have to see the future to know she will.”
“Do you mind helping Charlie?”
“Not at all. I’m on my way to him now.”
“Thanks, Alice.”
“Everything will work out, Edward,” she promised. I closed the phone and went to the nurse’s station where the head night nurse was arguing with Charlie.
“Sir, if you check your daughter out, you’ll be killing her. She is in critical condition and needs to be under the care of a physician.”
“Listen, lady, she’s my daughter, and she doesn’t want to take her last breath in this damn hospital. I’m taking her home.”
“There are forms to sign then, Mr. Hayes. You understand there is still a chance that she’ll wake up from the coma, don’t you?”
“Just give me the damn forms,” he muttered in disgust.
“Is there a problem?” I asked.
“Nurse Mean’n’Nasty thinks we should let Bella die in this sterile shithole.”
“Sir, I’m just trying to explain her condition. If she requires life support and is not in the proper facility to accommodate her, she’ll die for sure. At least she has a chance here.”
“She’s dying, you idiot. If you’re going to lecture me on the virtues of life support, at least get your damn facts straight, maybe know a little bit about my daughter’s case.” Charlie continued muttering under his breath as the nurse slapped the metal clipboard down in front of him with a harsh thwacking sound. “You just want her fucking organs. I know how this crap works. A patient goes brain dead and all the wolves descend to collect their piece of anatomy.”
“Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause,” she stated tersely.
“Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause,” Charlie mocked in a high falsetto voice as he scribbled his signature on the paper. “Bunch of fucking vultures.”
He shoved the forms back at her haphazardly, and as she picked up the clipboard, he closed his fingers around her wrist and looked intensely at her, tears welling in his eyes.
“I know she’s just a body to you, a faceless person in a long line of cases you care for, but she’s my baby girl. She’s got big brown eyes and a smile that can light up a room. She loves music and laughing and nature. She’s smart and sarcastic and brave and a hell of a lot more than just a flipping number. I get that you have to be desensitized to work with terminal patients, but it wouldn’t hurt you to be a little gentler with their families. They aren’t just bodies to us.” The tears trailed down his cheeks in uneven streams and Charlie swiped at them with his palm, releasing the nurse’s wrist in the process. She just stood there, silent, staring at him.
Charlie turned to leave and she whispered, “Good luck to you and your daughter.” Charlie’s love for his daughter was palpable, even for a detached night nurse.
I followed Charlie to the elevators silently.
“Are we all set?” he wondered, acting like it was a simple business transaction.
“Alice is waiting for us downstairs. Go down and have her bring the Volvo up to the Emergency room doors.”
“Okay.” His voice cracked and he gruffly cleared his throat, scrubbing more tears with the back of his sleeve as he stepped into the elevator. He didn’t turn to face me before the doors closed.
Carlisle was in Bella’s room, unhooking her for me. Alice had called him to explain things and he wanted to be of some assistance. He wasn’t worried about what I was doing. He believed it to be the right decision, but he was worried about me, and what a mistake that resulted in Bella’s death would do to me.
“Thank you,” I murmured, moving to stand beside Bella and stay out of his way. He was almost finished.
“It was the least I could do,” he assured me without looking at me. He removed her IV line, smoothing a bandage over the insertion hole and patting the back of her hand. “She’s all set for you.” Finally, he looked up at me, and I instantly understood why he hadn’t looked me in the eye before now. He was drowning in worry for me, holding back his thoughts so I wouldn’t know the depth of his concern.
“I have to do this,” I confessed.
“I know, son. I’ve attached her oxygen tube to a portable tank. She’ll need the oxygen to breathe while you transport her. Her lung function is severely impaired by the decline in brain activity. I’m not sure how long she’ll make it without a respirator.”
“I’ll drive quickly,” I mumbled. I hadn’t considered having difficulties getting her to the cabin alive.
“You can do this, Edward.”
Part of me wanted his assuredness, and part of me fought it. It was hard to see everyone embrace my decision, although I was quite sure it was only because I didn’t know if Bella would. I pulled the blanket around Bella’s body and gathered her up gently, relieved to finally feel her in my arms. The relief was quickly replaced by sadness and fear though. Her body was liked dead weight in my arms and the thought almost brought me to my knees. I told myself to pretend she was sleeping and that eased the pain. I longed to feel her tiny hands around my neck, if for no other reason than the sense of normality it would impose on me. I had already begun to doubt my decision and my ability to carry it through.
Carlisle led me to the patient elevator and used his key to unlock it for me, following me in once I brought Bella inside. The doors closed quietly behind us and I was glad for the privacy. I felt dishonest stealing Bella away under the cover of darkness. I felt afraid and apprehensive and a million other negative emotions. Even Carlisle could sense it.
“You just have to stay relaxed and focused, Edward,” he iterated in a hushed whisper. “You may not be sure of Bella’s wishes, but you must trust your own instincts, unless you’re ready to lose her.”
Carlisle had a way of cutting through superfluous thoughts and feelings to get to the heart of the matter. In this case, although his honesty was painful, it made what was important crystallize before my clouded vision, quickly focusing me on my task. The tiny girl in my arms, the love of my life, she was the important thing. I owed her my full and focused attention. I nodded at Carlisle, my lips pulled together in uneasy agreement.
He took little used corridors through the bottom floor of the hospital, whisking us out a side door and waving Alice and Charlie over to us. Charlie pulled Carlisle’s Mercedes just past where we were, leaving room for Alice, who brought the Volvo up behind him. I stood frozen as Charlie walked towards me, understanding too clearly that this may be the last time he saw Bella alive, and knowing it would be the last time she would look like this version of his daughter. He leaned forward and kissed Bella’s forehead, not the least bit put off by my stiff stature or not noticing it. His preoccupation with Bella was probably to his advantage.
“She already looks better, Edward,” Charlie noted falsely. “She just needs your TLC.”
I had no idea how to respond. Alice could sense it.
“You’re right, Charlie. Bella is exactly where she ought to be,” Alice stated confidently. “Did you say goodbye?”
Charlie pushed Bella’s hair back off her face, hesitating for a moment in a silent farewell. “Whatever happens, Edward, take good care of her, but please, bring her back to me.” His voice disintegrated with each word, from a confident and assured evenness to a desperate and frightened whisper.
“I promise,” I murmured out of respect for the man who had granted me this opportunity, too afraid to speak my doubts and disappoint him.
“Let’s get you two in the car and on your way,” Alice encouraged. “If we stand around too long, we’ll only draw attention to ourselves.”
Charlie held the Volvo door open for me, and I placed Bella gently into the passenger seat. I made my way to the driver’s side.
I wished I could have given Charlie some privacy to say goodbye, but then again, I knew no matter how many times he said his farewell, it would never be enough. He kissed her forehead once more, and whispered a broken ‘I love you.’ His tears didn’t surprise or bother me, only made me feel infinitely more accountable to him. He had placed all of his hopes and trust in me; I was determined not to disappoint him.
Alice waited for Charlie to finish, and then leaned into the cabin to buckle Bella’s seatbelt. “Look,” she demanded in a quiet whisper.
I saw Alice’s mind, and a picture of Bella’s monitor alarms ringing. The time on the clock above her bed in the vision was 5:30 AM. It was a vision Alice must have had prior to my decision to change Bella. She wanted me to know that Bella would have died that night if we hadn’t taken her away. As upsetting as it was to see glimpses of that moment, it brought me calm. With Bella only a few hours from death, the way I saw my task evolved, becoming a rescue instead of a theft. I was no longer stealing her life; I was extending it the only way I knew how.
I reached for Alice’s arm, wrapping my hand around her wrist to stop her and get her attention. “Take care of Charlie,” I begged.
She blinked in agreement. “It will work out.”
“Thanks, Alice.” She understood the depth of my thank you, and gave me a kind smile in return.
“I’ll be in touch,” I promised everyone, “as soon as I know anything definitively.”
Alice’s thoughts were confident. I was sure she’d seen the future and was keeping it from me, or perhaps my doubts blocked the outcome from her, but she believed with everything in her that I would be successful and that she would have her friend back at her side in a few days. Carlisle was guardedly cautious, but decided. He felt strongly that changing Bella was the right choice for everyone, even Bella. His negativity stemmed from the perceived pain I would go through in the next seventy-two hours, which he focused on to block the rest of his thoughts - the ones that centered on what it would do to me if I killed her. Obviously, he wasn’t doing as good a job to block those thoughts as he believed he was, or maybe it was just my level of intense scrutiny as I prepared myself for the task ahead of me. My instincts had shifted into a protective mode now that Bella’s care rested with me. Charlie’s thoughts understandably vacillated between hope and uncertainty, longing for the best and fearing the worst. I wished in vain for something I could give him to soothe his fears but there was nothing. I could only do everything within my power to deliver him his daughter. I hoped that would be enough.
Charlie closed Bella’s door with a soft click and stepped back from the Volvo, after he tapped the roof a couple of times to let me know I could pull away. I did so with a slight trepidation.
A/N: Please review.
Chapter 43: Decision (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:7,539
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
43. Decision
A/N: If you’re still reading this story, that means you’ve heard me declare 42 or so times that Twilight doesn’t belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I’m just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.
I’m going to break this into two chapters I think, because it’s so long, but I’ll post them both today. It will be two for one OOC Monday today.
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I’ve gotten some really wonderful reviews lately and I will answer them, but I figure you guys would rather have story than replies, so right now with my time limited, I ask for your continued patience.
A continuation of Retrograde, so if you haven’t read it yet, go back and read it first.
From Edward’s POV…
I had spent countless hours considering what I could do to preserve Bella’s life, never once seriously considering changing her. In a perfect world, had we been granted the opportunity to discuss the option of immortality and transformation, I would know what Bella’s choice was, but we had not been afforded that luxury. I had the means to keep Bella beside me forever but that’s the rub: it was not my decision to make. It was Bella’s decision, and Bella’s alone. My time with Bella would always be precious, and I had to find a way to make it be enough. That was the only decision that was mine to make. Still, as much as I tried to ignore the option, I found myself considering Rosalie’s idea in spite of myself.
Another day passed in unresponsiveness. I had a sense that Bella was slipping further out of my reach, not from any medical training I had or from any change in Bella’s consciousness, but because of our connection. The energy that sparkled between us continued to dwindle. The current of electricity, once white-hot and almost alive, barely flickered now, like a dying flame with nothing left to burn. I pushed my energy at her, willing her acceptance of it, trying to give the connection life, but it made no difference.
I stayed by her side, always holding her hand, and talked to her. I shared memories of my initial impressions of her and all of the things I felt and thought along our journey - the shock of her profanity, the elation of falling in love, the fear of losing or hurting her. If she was able to hear me, some of the things I admitted surely shocked her, like how badly I wanted to strike Mike Newton, or that I considered using my considerable persuasive skills to have both of Jessica Stanley’s parents fired in an effort to get them to leave town. I tried to stay happy and effuse positive energy, and I was sure that if Bella were able to talk back to me, she would have told me I “sucked at it.”
The results of Bella’s EEG were becoming more dismal. Each day her brain activity was slowing. It was becoming impossible not to face the truth that was in front of me, but I still chose to ignore it most of the time. She was young and healthy, and people came out of comas all the time. It only made sense that Bella would defy the odds. She always did. I refused to believe that she survived her mother’s death only long enough to endure the pain of the loss before her own life would be taken. It just didn’t seem fair or righteous.
Charlie was at his wit’s end. He couldn’t get his head wrapped around the idea that she may never awaken. He knew there was nothing further medically wrong with her, and that her body had to take time to heal, but he couldn’t come to terms with the notion of her slipping away from us. He felt like he’d only just gotten her back and he was angry at the entire situation. He and Carlisle were discussing options, and decided to have a specialist come in from Seattle, for a second opinion. It made sense - I only wished I’d thought of it first.
Dr. Hanson arrived that afternoon. She was well known in the field of neurology, a respected specialist who was on the cutting edge of several new therapies and taking part in multiple clinical trials. She had an uncommonly sympathetic heart for a doctor of her standing. She spoke to Bella as if Bella was fully cognizant, including her in all of the conversations she had with Charlie and my father. She held Bella’s hand while she explained what she intended to do, almost as if she was asking for Bella’s permission to touch her or perform tests on her. I liked Dr. Hanson very much. What I didn’t like was her prognosis. It was not unexpected, but I would have preferred to have Carlisle’s findings proven incorrect. They were not. Dr. Hanson felt Bella was falling further into a vegetative state. She didn’t want to go as far as saying Bella was heading towards death, but I believed it was only her compassion that kept her from making that conclusion when no one asked the question directly.
By the end of the day, Bella’s breathing was uneven and laboured at times, a side effect of the coma, and another sign that her brain function was faltering. Carlisle explained to Charlie and I that she would have to be put on a ventilator if her condition continued to deteriorate. It was the final blow to the last few shreds of hope I held onto.
After my father left, and Charlie and I were alone with Bella, Charlie admitted his fears aloud to me.
“We’re going to lose her, aren’t we, Edward?” he murmured in a pained voice.
I shrugged and gave the most honest answer I could think of. “I don’t want to think about it or believe it could be true.”
“But it is true. Dr. Hanson confirmed what Carlisle found. Every day Bella slips a little further away from us…and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do about it.”
“No, there isn’t,” I whispered.
“I mean, you’re a smart guy…a rich guy…if there were some place we could take her to get her help, some fancy expensive clinic in Switzerland or somewhere, you’d tell me about it, right? You know money is no object, don’t you? I’d sell my house, cash in my retirement savings…I sell a goddamn kidney if I needed to. I don’t even care if I have to die if she can live.”
“I feel the same way. If money were the only thing standing in the way of Bella’s recovery, she’d already be in Switzerland. It’s not the money, Charlie, and I know you’d give anything for even the slightest chance of helping her recover.”
“It’s all for shit though, isn’t it? The universe must hate me, keeping my daughter from me for all these years, only to finally give her back to me for a few short months and steal her away permanently. I must be a pretty horrible human being to be crapped on so badly.” His voice trailed off in a mumble. His self-aspersion reminded me very much of something his daughter would say. The apple really didn’t fall far from the tree.
“It seems impossible to be grateful for the few short moments I’ve had with her right now,” I murmured thoughtfully.
“You know what I mean though, don’t you? Probably better than anyone else.”
“I do,” I agreed.
“I just got her back,” he whispered, his voice breaking as tears welled in his eyes.
I wanted to tell him that I felt the same - that I was fighting against the unfairness of losing her because I couldn’t accept reality - but I couldn’t admit it out loud. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to cry, too, but of course I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t. Instead I just gently nodded in agreement.
“I know you did.”
“I’ve got to get out of here for a bit,” Charlie announced abruptly, swiping the back of his hand across his eyes to blot the tears that threatened to fall. “You’ll stay with her, won’t you?”
“I’ll be here,” I assured him.
“I just don’t want her to be alone, you know…just in case?”
“I don’t want her to be alone either,” I agreed.
“You’re a good kid, Edward. I wouldn’t exactly wish for my girl to find the love of her life at seventeen. It’s young to settle down…but I couldn’t have asked for a better guy for her.”
“Thank you,” I murmured, swallowing thickly to clear the lump that formed in my throat.
“You guys could have been the two to beat the odds, I think - the couple that stayed together and were happy for the rest of your lives.”
I nodded my head, unable to speak. I didn’t trust my voice, and I would only upset Charlie further if I let my emotions get the better of me. He kissed Bella’s forehead, and walked out of the room without another word.
I blew out a big breath once Charlie was out of earshot, when I knew it was safe to let go of my control. His words resonated with me - that Bella and I would have been the couple to beat the odds and find forever happiness together. Of course he couldn’t know what forever meant for me, but I liked his idea of forever, too - that I could have given Bella a lifetime of happiness. It was the ‘could have’ that I struggled with - the promise of what could have been, how badly I wanted to keep that promise and the enormity of what I stood to lose - the “could” that should have been a “would.” I still wanted to give it to her, for both of us. I wanted to find a way to make the situation work so that Bella might have the opportunity at a long life. Carlisle and Alice were researching all avenues, but there was nothing promising.
In some ways, it was easier not to know what I needed, because the pain of no longer having it seemed insurmountable. I was suddenly face to face with exactly the fear that kept Bella from letting me into her heart sooner - the pain resulting from the loss of love - and I had never understood Bella so well. The pain was precise and piercing and endless. It was a wonder she ever gave me the chance to let me love her.
I decided to tell her about my decision to love her even if she never loved me back. It was the night of our almost date at the Kalaloch Lodge that I realized I would have to make whatever she gave me be enough, even if it was nothing more than her disdain.
I was so frustrated that night. Late for our date because the sun trapped me, I knew it would devastate the trust Bella had placed in me. Although I tried to apologize and explain, Bella wanted no part of it. I could not accept her lies that she did not care for me, so I challenged her to kiss me to prove she felt nothing, certain I would be able to get her to relinquish her stubborn negativity with my touch. I used everything I had in me to goad her reaction, and was on the verge of giving up when I finally got her to respond, only to have her turn it around on me when I was sure she’d given into her feelings. She pushed me away and hid in her room.
I related how I snuck into her room through her window that night, and stayed outside her window even longer, just to be sure she was okay. I explained to her that I knew then, with uncommon clarity and indubitability, that I would never get over the need to comfort and protect her, and that I would give her endless chances to come to me if she needed me, always available for her no matter what. In a way, it was like dedicating my life to her. My life was hers to do what she would with from then on, whether she knew it or not, even if she had no use for it.
I tried to harness those same feelings now - selfless devotion, contentment and gratefulness for even the tiniest of gestures - to accept the gift I had been given in knowing and loving Bella as enough, trying to ignore the whispers that it was too short a time. I was unable to reconcile the two.
Charlie returned after a while, as I expected he would. I knew he could not stay away from Bella for long. I could tell from his stagger and his scent that he was intoxicated. I couldn’t blame him for trying to disengage from the pain of losing her. I was looking for the same circumvention without any success.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured to no one in particular as he stumbled towards the bed.
“Are you okay, Charlie?” I inquired.
“No. I’m not okay. I’m never going to be okay again,” he explained in a pain-filled whisper.
“It’s very unfair,” I mumbled, trying to control my own feelings and focus on Charlie. He obviously needed someone to talk to.
“Unfair?” he questioned looking over at me with a disgruntled expression. “You have no fucking idea.”
“Tell me then,” I encouraged.
“I fucked up, Edward. I was a stupid prick to Bella’s mother - smug and naïve. I thought she would come crawling back to me. Even after she left, I was dumb enough to believe that it was only a matter of time before she would come to her senses and beg me to take her back. I was too proud to get off pompous ass and fight for her, and, because of that, I lost both my girls.”
“There was no way to know that Bella was your daughter, Charlie. Don’t rake yourself over the coals for that.”
“I should have known. There was a part that wondered, buried deep down, but I ignored it, like a stupid shit.” His hand pushed roughly through his short hair, rubbing back and forth as he thought. “So many lost years…”
“Perhaps it’s better to focus on the moments you shared?” I suggested, feeling hypocritical for trying to distract him when I couldn’t take my own advice.
“It was easy not to regret the lost time when we had so many years ahead of us…but now…now all I feel is regret…regret and pain.”
“She loves you, Charlie, and that says a great deal. Bella completely shut down when she lost her mother. You should understand how much you mean to her - so much that she was able to love you even with a broken heart.”
“It’s not enough, Edward. I want more.” The pain in his voice was palpable and overwhelming, or perhaps I just understood it too intimately.
“I do, too,” I admitted in a tiny voice.
“There’s got to be something we can do. You’re a resourceful young man. There has got to be something you’ve thought of that I haven’t.”
“There isn’t,” I lied.
“You’re just going to let her die?” he accused angrily. It was the alcohol talking, but it still made me feel unbelievably deplorable.
“It’s not up to me,” I murmured, although it felt like mendacity.
“Someone has to take charge here. I can’t make her come back, Edward. I’m only her father. Maybe if you beg her, tell her how much you need and love her, maybe it will be enough to make her come back?”
“I’ve tried,” I insisted. I didn’t want to shoulder any more guilt or blame; my burden was great enough, but as much as I wanted to jettison the responsibility back onto Charlie, to yell that I’d been begging her for days not to give up fighting and to come back to me, I knew it would do no good. He was a man on the verge of losing everything that meant something to him, just like I was. More responsibility or upset was not what he needed. He needed someone who understood, and no one understood better than I did.
“Try again,” he impelled. “You told me the other day you’d walk through fire for her, that you’d go to the ends of the Earth to make up for the things you did that hurt her. The fire is right there in front of you, Edward. Get walking.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. My hands were tied. I couldn’t give him the truth. I couldn’t tell him that I could bring his daughter back but only as a monster, and I couldn’t do that to Bella.
“Can’t, or wont?”
Charlie’s accusatory glare was making me uncomfortable, and the weight of his allegations left my head spinning. Was it even the same thing? Was saving Bella from death and making her a monster the same thing as walking through fire for her? The pain of transformation aside, I was damning her to an immortal life as a sinister supernatural creature, and without her permission. I didn’t know how to justify it. What if she hated me for doing it? Living for eternity without her would be better than having her despise me for forever, better than seeing her every day of my immortal life knowing I could never have her. Certainly she would continue to live, but not the life she currently had. If Charlie were reason enough to change her, how would she feel about that transformation when he was gone? Even if Charlie could accept Bella as a vampire, he would only be alive for another fifty odd years. If Bella held my choice to change her against me, would she want to roam the Earth alone for eternity after Charlie was gone?
“If there was something you could do to bring her back and you didn’t, well…I would never forgive you.”
“What if I could bring her back, Charlie? Would you accept her, even if she wasn’t the same person?” I charged.
“Of course, I would. She’ll always be my Bells,” he declared smugly.
“What if she doesn’t look the same, or behave the same? What if bringing her back would change her into something other than the Bella you know and love?”
“You’re full of shit and excuses. I spent her whole life observing from the sidelines. It would sure as hell be better to do that than not have her at all.”
“Even if she hated you for it?” I wondered.
“Even if she never forgave me. I’d rather spend a lifetime trying to get her to forgive me for making the wrong decision than spend a lifetime regretting not trying.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do,” I lamented quietly under my breath.
“No, Edward, you don’t know what you’re asking me to do. You’re asking me to let go of my baby girl when there is a remote chance that she could be saved. I don’t care what she becomes as long as she’s alive.”
He wasn’t thinking clearly under the influence of the alcohol, but I understood his desperation to hold onto his daughter. He didn’t have all the facts though, and I had to make him comprehend what he was asking for.
“She won’t be alive, Charlie. She’ll be somewhere between alive and dead, in a state that would be little different than what she is in right now.”
“But she wouldn’t be dead, right? I wouldn’t have to put her into a casket and bury her in the ground, like I did with Renee?”
It was a very black and white decision for Charlie. In his mind, just like Rosalie’s, there was no other choice but to save Bella, and saving her was as simple as turning on a light switch.
“No, you wouldn’t, but it’s much more complicated than what you’re thinking. There would be a lot of pain initially, and I’m not even sure I could do it. I might kill her in the process.”
“She’s going to die anyway, Edward. You’d only be ending her suffering if it didn’t work,” he justified.
He didn’t understand what killing her would do to me, how heavily the responsibility of taking her last breath from her wore on me. Part of my choice to live against my natural instinct to feed on human blood was born of the respect for life that resulted from my transformation. I would never be able to forgive myself if I failed her.
“Just tell me how to do it and I’ll do it,” he offered, sensing my reluctance. His thoughts were chaotic as he tried to figure out what the cure for Bella’s condition might be, leaning towards the notion of an experimental drug.
“It’s not that simple, Charlie. It’s something I would have to do it myself.”
I began to question my own sanity - why I was even considering this, and why I was giving Charlie this much information. I doubted he would remember it in the morning, given his state of inebriation and the large amount of stress he was under, but I had to wonder if, subconsciously, I needed to talk about it. I hadn’t tried very hard to dissuade him from talking about it. I told myself it was because I was trying to be there for Charlie, and I was, but was I trying to use Charlie in the same way for myself, as a sounding board?
“What would you do?” he wondered.
“I can’t tell you. If we did this, you would have to trust me to do the right thing.”
“I do trust you, kid. I let you be with my daughter. I know you love her, and I know you’d do your best to do right by her.”
A million thoughts ran through my head. I questioned not only whether I could change her, but also if could I live with myself if I did something wrong and killed her. There was my bloodlust to consider. I’d essentially conquered the smell of Bella’s blood, but the taste was an entirely different matter. Was I strong enough to stay focused on saving her to resist the call of her blood? I had proven my strength in every other way, but at this moment, this was the only way that really mattered.
Without Bella, I was nothing, but who would Bella be if I erased my presence in her life? Would she be the witty and caring woman that she became with me, or would she have remained the fearful angry girl that I met some months ago? Would she have healed without me? Remembered how to trust and love without the safety of my unconditional devotion? Could I take credit for what she grew into, or was the idea that I was able to help her turn things around only smug wishful thinking? Could the grief of losing her mother help her understand how desperately I wanted to hold on to her? How afraid I was to lose her?
I still felt like I shouldn’t even be considering the option of transformation since I didn’t know how Bella felt about it. It was all conjecture on my part that she would choose to live an immortal life in place of dying. Would she choose to be changed to extend her time with Charlie? Or me? I wanted her with me, and recognized that wish for the selfish desire that it was, but I couldn’t easily separate my selfishness from what her inclinations might be. There was too much overlap, too much intimacy in our connection. It blurred the lines between need and want to the point of confusion.
I tried to focus my thoughts. Letting Bella die was a waste; she made the world a better place by being a part of it. Keeping her in this world was what Charlie wanted, and while I couldn’t do that in the exact manner he desired, I could help him hold on to his daughter. I wanted to keep her here with us…with me. As much as I wanted my time with her as a human to be enough, it wasn’t. I wanted to have the woman I loved beside me for eternity, even if the only way I could keep her with me was to transform her into something unnatural. A wave of relief washed over me in admitting what I wanted, but what would she want?
I had to be sure of her intentions, or as sure as I could be. Certainly she loved me, that fact I never doubted, but did I know enough of Bella to be sure that my choice would be her choice? She told me in her letter she wanted a future with me, that she wanted the chance to build a life with me. She had already looked past so much. Could she look past this if it was something she didn’t want? Could I bear her hatred if it followed me for eternity?
When she was certain that I was dying, her choice was to spend every possible minute by my side, to face whatever the future had for us, good or bad, together. She believed that you have to use the time you are given, but what if I could extend that time? She knew the only way I would leave her was in death. Given the choice, would she choose a life with me over death?
I began to wonder if she had given me an answer without realizing the question. Her letter said she was in our relationship for as long as a forever as we had. She had no doubts that we would stay together, that we had a forever kind of love. Forever. She wanted forever with me. It was within my capabilities to give her what she wished for, what I wished for. I could give her forever.
In that moment, I came to understand that the tangible connection between us, one that could not be articulated to an appropriate degree of comprehension, went so deep that it had come to define who each of us was. In the same way that there was no me without Bella, there was no Bella without me. She made me who I was, and I made Bella who she was, and neither of us could survive intact without the other.
In the absence of her permission, this had to be my decision. Changing Bella had to be my responsibility fully, and I would have to answer for my actions if it turned out to be the wrong choice. The blame would be mine and mine alone. It would be the grandest gesture of faith that I had ever been faced with, and I loved her enough to take the risk.
I looked at Charlie’s anxious, uneasy face and gave him my decision.
“Charlie, I need you to go check Bella out. Tell them you are taking her home, that she would want to spend the last few hours of her life at home, like her mother did.”
“You know about that?”
“I do. Bella told me everything. I will…” Charlie interrupted me before I could finish.
“What are you going to do?”
“I can’t tell you. I need you to trust me to do this my way, and if anything goes wrong, or if she doesn’t make it, I will get in touch with you immediately.”
“I want to be there,” Charlie demanded.
“My way, Charlie. You can’t be there, nor would Bella want you to be there to watch what she has to go through.”
“But...”
“No exceptions, Charlie. As hard as it seems, I need you to say your goodbyes to Bella right now. I will do my damndest to bring her back to you, to both of us. I have to take her away from Forks though, and she won’t be able to return. Things will be too incongruous. She will look different when you see her again. The changes in her will be striking. We will have to start a new life somewhere else, and it may not even be safe for her to see you at first.”
“Not safe? What the fuck are you going to do to her, Edward?”
“I’m going to make her like me.” It was the least complicated truth I could give him.
“And what does that mean?”
“It means you’ll get to keep her in your life, but she has to abandon the life she has in order to do that, sort of like the witness protection program. You will be the only one who can see her. The rest of the world has to believe she has died. You have a role to play in this, Charlie. You can’t let anyone know what we’ve done. You’ll have to go through the pretense of a funeral and accept everyone’s condolences, knowing you’re deceiving each and every person. In fact, it might be easier for you to disappear too. I’ll have Alice make the arrangements - the obituary, a flight, and a hotel for a couple of days. When you get back, you can tell people that you took Bella back to Phoenix to bury her with her mother. You’ll have fewer people to deal with that way, and you’ll only have to lie to the people that bother to ask after her. In the meantime, I will find us a place to live and you can follow if you choose.”
“I feel like there is something you’re not telling me,” Charlie probed.
“There are things you can’t know, for your own well-being, but I’m telling you as much as I’m safely able to. It comes down to trust and truly embracing the idea of saving Bella at any cost.”
I cruelly preyed on Charlie’s desperation, but it worked. He only wanted to save his daughter. His mind shifted away from the questions he had about how Bella would be saved, and focused only on the idea of saving her.
“How long before we know if it worked?”
“Seventy-two hours, give or take.”
“And you’re sure I can’t be there?” he questioned again.
“It’s for the best if you’re not.”
He nodded stiffly and walked out to make the arrangements to have Bella discharged. My phone was already vibrating in my pocket. I didn’t need to answer to know it would be Alice and that she would be offering help, but I answered it anyway.
“I need you to come pick up Charlie. He’ll need a flight to Phoenix and a hotel for two nights, and could you take care of the obituary? Just something simple, and explain that Bella will be returning to Phoenix to be laid to rest beside her mother.”
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Alice asked quietly.
“Yes,” I whispered, feeling weighted by my decision, as if I’d had already committed the act.
“I can’t see the future yet. Are you sure you’re decided?”
“I am decided. I’m taking Bella to the cabin by Lake Ozette, and I’ll contact you once she emerges.”
“Why won’t you let us help you, Edward? Carlisle has changed four of us successfully. At the very least, he could make sure you do it without error.”
“It has to be all me, Alice. I don’t even know if she wants this, and if she doesn’t, I don’t want her to blame anyone else. It’s my decision; no one else’s, so no one else needs to be there. I have to be the one to explain everything when she wakes up, and beg her forgiveness if I’ve wronged her.”
“I know, Edward, but it’s not that you’re unsupported in your decision. We all want this; no one wants Bella to die.”
“It goes deeper than blame, Alice. It has to be my venom that transforms her. I want her to know that I love her enough to risk everything, that I have no reservations, that I want all of her for forever. She’s my soul mate, and giving our love a chance to live for eternity has to be my risk, no one else’s.”
“Okay,” she acquiesced, her voice softened in understanding.
“And would you mind refraining from looking for her future, just for a little while, to give me some privacy to do this without an audience, please?”
“Don’t you want to know if she’ll make it, once it becomes clear?”
“Right now, I only know that if I take her life, I don’t want anyone observing my failure.”
“You know we’ll just be a few minutes away if you need anything…anything at all.”
“I know, and thank you for understanding.”
“I don’t really understand your choice to do this alone,” she admitted, “but I trust you. How deeply you love Bella has never been more clear, and that’s enough for me.”
“I just hope Bella sees it.”
“I don’t have to see the future to know she will.”
“Do you mind helping Charlie?”
“Not at all. I’m on my way to him now.”
“Thanks, Alice.”
“Everything will work out, Edward,” she promised. I closed the phone and went to the nurse’s station where the head night nurse was arguing with Charlie.
“Sir, if you check your daughter out, you’ll be killing her. She is in critical condition and needs to be under the care of a physician.”
“Listen, lady, she’s my daughter, and she doesn’t want to take her last breath in this damn hospital. I’m taking her home.”
“There are forms to sign then, Mr. Hayes. You understand there is still a chance that she’ll wake up from the coma, don’t you?”
“Just give me the damn forms,” he muttered in disgust.
“Is there a problem?” I asked.
“Nurse Mean’n’Nasty thinks we should let Bella die in this sterile shithole.”
“Sir, I’m just trying to explain her condition. If she requires life support and is not in the proper facility to accommodate her, she’ll die for sure. At least she has a chance here.”
“She’s dying, you idiot. If you’re going to lecture me on the virtues of life support, at least get your damn facts straight, maybe know a little bit about my daughter’s case.” Charlie continued muttering under his breath as the nurse slapped the metal clipboard down in front of him with a harsh thwacking sound. “You just want her fucking organs. I know how this crap works. A patient goes brain dead and all the wolves descend to collect their piece of anatomy.”
“Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause,” she stated tersely.
“Organ donation is a noble and worthy cause,” Charlie mocked in a high falsetto voice as he scribbled his signature on the paper. “Bunch of fucking vultures.”
He shoved the forms back at her haphazardly, and as she picked up the clipboard, he closed his fingers around her wrist and looked intensely at her, tears welling in his eyes.
“I know she’s just a body to you, a faceless person in a long line of cases you care for, but she’s my baby girl. She’s got big brown eyes and a smile that can light up a room. She loves music and laughing and nature. She’s smart and sarcastic and brave and a hell of a lot more than just a flipping number. I get that you have to be desensitized to work with terminal patients, but it wouldn’t hurt you to be a little gentler with their families. They aren’t just bodies to us.” The tears trailed down his cheeks in uneven streams and Charlie swiped at them with his palm, releasing the nurse’s wrist in the process. She just stood there, silent, staring at him.
Charlie turned to leave and she whispered, “Good luck to you and your daughter.” Charlie’s love for his daughter was palpable, even for a detached night nurse.
I followed Charlie to the elevators silently.
“Are we all set?” he wondered, acting like it was a simple business transaction.
“Alice is waiting for us downstairs. Go down and have her bring the Volvo up to the Emergency room doors.”
“Okay.” His voice cracked and he gruffly cleared his throat, scrubbing more tears with the back of his sleeve as he stepped into the elevator. He didn’t turn to face me before the doors closed.
Carlisle was in Bella’s room, unhooking her for me. Alice had called him to explain things and he wanted to be of some assistance. He wasn’t worried about what I was doing. He believed it to be the right decision, but he was worried about me, and what a mistake that resulted in Bella’s death would do to me.
“Thank you,” I murmured, moving to stand beside Bella and stay out of his way. He was almost finished.
“It was the least I could do,” he assured me without looking at me. He removed her IV line, smoothing a bandage over the insertion hole and patting the back of her hand. “She’s all set for you.” Finally, he looked up at me, and I instantly understood why he hadn’t looked me in the eye before now. He was drowning in worry for me, holding back his thoughts so I wouldn’t know the depth of his concern.
“I have to do this,” I confessed.
“I know, son. I’ve attached her oxygen tube to a portable tank. She’ll need the oxygen to breathe while you transport her. Her lung function is severely impaired by the decline in brain activity. I’m not sure how long she’ll make it without a respirator.”
“I’ll drive quickly,” I mumbled. I hadn’t considered having difficulties getting her to the cabin alive.
“You can do this, Edward.”
Part of me wanted his assuredness, and part of me fought it. It was hard to see everyone embrace my decision, although I was quite sure it was only because I didn’t know if Bella would. I pulled the blanket around Bella’s body and gathered her up gently, relieved to finally feel her in my arms. The relief was quickly replaced by sadness and fear though. Her body was liked dead weight in my arms and the thought almost brought me to my knees. I told myself to pretend she was sleeping and that eased the pain. I longed to feel her tiny hands around my neck, if for no other reason than the sense of normality it would impose on me. I had already begun to doubt my decision and my ability to carry it through.
Carlisle led me to the patient elevator and used his key to unlock it for me, following me in once I brought Bella inside. The doors closed quietly behind us and I was glad for the privacy. I felt dishonest stealing Bella away under the cover of darkness. I felt afraid and apprehensive and a million other negative emotions. Even Carlisle could sense it.
“You just have to stay relaxed and focused, Edward,” he iterated in a hushed whisper. “You may not be sure of Bella’s wishes, but you must trust your own instincts, unless you’re ready to lose her.”
Carlisle had a way of cutting through superfluous thoughts and feelings to get to the heart of the matter. In this case, although his honesty was painful, it made what was important crystallize before my clouded vision, quickly focusing me on my task. The tiny girl in my arms, the love of my life, she was the important thing. I owed her my full and focused attention. I nodded at Carlisle, my lips pulled together in uneasy agreement.
He took little used corridors through the bottom floor of the hospital, whisking us out a side door and waving Alice and Charlie over to us. Charlie pulled Carlisle’s Mercedes just past where we were, leaving room for Alice, who brought the Volvo up behind him. I stood frozen as Charlie walked towards me, understanding too clearly that this may be the last time he saw Bella alive, and knowing it would be the last time she would look like this version of his daughter. He leaned forward and kissed Bella’s forehead, not the least bit put off by my stiff stature or not noticing it. His preoccupation with Bella was probably to his advantage.
“She already looks better, Edward,” Charlie noted falsely. “She just needs your TLC.”
I had no idea how to respond. Alice could sense it.
“You’re right, Charlie. Bella is exactly where she ought to be,” Alice stated confidently. “Did you say goodbye?”
Charlie pushed Bella’s hair back off her face, hesitating for a moment in a silent farewell. “Whatever happens, Edward, take good care of her, but please, bring her back to me.” His voice disintegrated with each word, from a confident and assured evenness to a desperate and frightened whisper.
“I promise,” I murmured out of respect for the man who had granted me this opportunity, too afraid to speak my doubts and disappoint him.
“Let’s get you two in the car and on your way,” Alice encouraged. “If we stand around too long, we’ll only draw attention to ourselves.”
Charlie held the Volvo door open for me, and I placed Bella gently into the passenger seat. I made my way to the driver’s side.
I wished I could have given Charlie some privacy to say goodbye, but then again, I knew no matter how many times he said his farewell, it would never be enough. He kissed her forehead once more, and whispered a broken ‘I love you.’ His tears didn’t surprise or bother me, only made me feel infinitely more accountable to him. He had placed all of his hopes and trust in me; I was determined not to disappoint him.
Alice waited for Charlie to finish, and then leaned into the cabin to buckle Bella’s seatbelt. “Look,” she demanded in a quiet whisper.
I saw Alice’s mind, and a picture of Bella’s monitor alarms ringing. The time on the clock above her bed in the vision was 5:30 AM. It was a vision Alice must have had prior to my decision to change Bella. She wanted me to know that Bella would have died that night if we hadn’t taken her away. As upsetting as it was to see glimpses of that moment, it brought me calm. With Bella only a few hours from death, the way I saw my task evolved, becoming a rescue instead of a theft. I was no longer stealing her life; I was extending it the only way I knew how.
I reached for Alice’s arm, wrapping my hand around her wrist to stop her and get her attention. “Take care of Charlie,” I begged.
She blinked in agreement. “It will work out.”
“Thanks, Alice.” She understood the depth of my thank you, and gave me a kind smile in return.
“I’ll be in touch,” I promised everyone, “as soon as I know anything definitively.”
Alice’s thoughts were confident. I was sure she’d seen the future and was keeping it from me, or perhaps my doubts blocked the outcome from her, but she believed with everything in her that I would be successful and that she would have her friend back at her side in a few days. Carlisle was guardedly cautious, but decided. He felt strongly that changing Bella was the right choice for everyone, even Bella. His negativity stemmed from the perceived pain I would go through in the next seventy-two hours, which he focused on to block the rest of his thoughts - the ones that centered on what it would do to me if I killed her. Obviously, he wasn’t doing as good a job to block those thoughts as he believed he was, or maybe it was just my level of intense scrutiny as I prepared myself for the task ahead of me. My instincts had shifted into a protective mode now that Bella’s care rested with me. Charlie’s thoughts understandably vacillated between hope and uncertainty, longing for the best and fearing the worst. I wished in vain for something I could give him to soothe his fears but there was nothing. I could only do everything within my power to deliver him his daughter. I hoped that would be enough.
Charlie closed Bella’s door with a soft click and stepped back from the Volvo, after he tapped the roof a couple of times to let me know I could pull away. I did so with a slight trepidation.
A/N: Please review.