Out of Choices - Chapter 19 (Part 2)
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 19: Surrender (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 12,503
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
19. Surrender
Apparently LJ will not forgive my verbosity and feels I should have indeed split it into two chapters... Part 2
He was there waiting in the parking lot for me the next morning, just like he told me he would me. A part of me was expecting him not to be there, still more or less unwilling to just fucking accept reality. It wasn’t anything Edward had said to me, or hadn’t said for that matter. It was just me. Things I wanted selfishly, never worked out in my favour. I had what I needed to survive, a roof over my head and a trust to provide me with my basic needs of food and clothing and eventually an education. Hell, now I even had Charlie, a man who loved me like his own, and a father figure wasn’t something I’d ever had my whole life. But when it came to things I needed to actually live life, the universe saw to it to take those things from me or keep them from me altogether - my father before I even got a chance to know him, my Mom when I needed her most of all, my home, and everything I’d ever known. The universe had enrolled me in the school of hard knocks and every time I got too comfortable it proceeded to beat the stupid out of me. So while I had him, I was going to enjoy Edward as much as I could possibly friggen stand it, but there would always be that part of me that was waiting for the universe to take him away for me. It was inevitable.
As soon as he caught sight of the truck a smile spread across his lips and I felt guilty for dwelling on his obligatory exit from my life. It wasn’t fair to Edward that he had to deal with my universal struggles, even if they would eventually affect him, or maybe that would be fate’s way of dealing, to make him decide to leave with no regrets. I liked that idea. If someone had to suffer it should be me since it was my curse to bear. I pushed the thoughts back into the depths of my mind and focused my attention on Edward, realizing even more how important it was to live in the moment.
He was walking towards my truck before I could even get out and I didn’t understand the look on his face. I decided to employ his techniques to see if he would tell me.
“Hey,” I smiled, “what’s up?”
“Hello.” He shifted his body towards me while he spoke.
“You don’t look so hot. Did you want to tell me what you’re thinking?”
He grinned at me. “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking,” he teased.
“Yes I do. You seem…upset?”
“I’m just relieved to see you.” His eyes shifted away from mine, surveying the parking lot before darting back to me. “I missed you.”
I couldn’t keep the shock from registering on my face as much as I wanted to. It’s just that his admission was shocking, like a slap to my brain and I couldn’t form an appropriate response. “Really?”
His smiled widened. “Yes really, you silly girl. I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t true.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he echoed, his face twisted in confusion.
“Why would you miss me?” He laughed at me, unable to control his reaction to my question. I didn’t see the humour in it so I just waited for him to compose himself and explain the answer to it.
“You still don’t believe me, do you?”
“Believe you?”
“You still don’t believe that I care for you, do you?” he questioned softly.
“I’m trying,” I offered, feeling a little awkward.
“It’s ok,” he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with deliberate slowness as he picked the right words out of his mind to speak. “I can’t pretend to understand every part of you, as much as I’d like to. There are facets of your personality that I don’t know yet and I’m not going to doubt you because of things that have happened to you and shaped who you are. Someday I’ll know them all, and then you will finally understand that my feelings for you are true and permanent.”
His words floated around in my head - ‘true and permanent,’ ‘my feelings for you,’- and made my stomach twist as they cemented the reality of our entire situation in my head. This was really happening. “I’m sure there are things about you that I don’t know either,” I offered. “Although I doubt that you are as fucking broken as I am.” I laughed blackly but he didn’t find my words funny. His face twisted in discomfort. I stared back at him, trying to understand what I could have said that would have upset him and decided maybe he didn’t like hearing me put myself down. I didn’t even see it as a put down, more a fact of who I was. Maybe he would come to understand that in time, like he suggested. “We’ve got lots of time to test your theory though?”
A small smile came to his lips. It wasn’t forced, but it wasn’t happy either, more resigned than anything else. “Would you like to have lunch together again?” he wondered in a quiet voice.
“Yes I would,” I told him in my most convincing tone, hoping to pull him out of the self-induced preoccupation he was lost in. It didn’t work. He barely seemed to register the change in my voice.
“I’ll pick you up after fourth period then,” he mumbled distractedly.
I wondered where he was in his head, what thoughts had him so deeply abstracted, what thoughts had changed his mood so entirely that he didn’t even seem to be there with me any longer. I thought about swearing at him to pull him from his distracted state but something told me it wouldn’t help, so I did the only other thing I knew of, again using his own strategies with him. I slipped my hand into his, pushing his fingers open to make room for my hand. His eyes darted to mine and looked at me questioningly. “Come back to me?” I whispered longingly.
His eyes flashed around the parking lot checking for people who might be watching and then he bent to my hand while bringing it to his lips and kissed it softly. He smiled sweetly at me. “Sorry, sometimes I get caught up in my thoughts too.”
“I thought maybe you were trapped in there for a minute, and I wasn’t sure how to climb in there and bring you back,” I teased.
He laughed lightly. “Well you certainly found a pleasant way to do just that, didn’t you?” He squeezed my hand lightly in reference to his comment.
“It worked on me yesterday,” I offered.
“It certainly did.”
“After fourth period then?” I checked.
“Yes, for lunch,” he smiled.
The morning seemed to fly by today. Between every class I rushed to the quad to try and catch a glimpse of Edward. I never tried to get his attention or talk to him. I just watched him and wondered how in the hell I landed up there, staring at him with the knowledge that he had feelings for me. I still couldn’t make sense of it. He would smile or just stare back at me. In my head we were being discreet but in my heart I felt like everyone must be watching us and seeing the changes. By the end of fourth period I was aching to touch him again and the type of contact didn’t really matter. Even if it was just my foot on his leg under the lunch table, that would be enough. I just needed the proof of our connection to make the ache stop for just a moment.
He was there against the wall again when I left my classroom, waiting for me just like he said he would be. I did a mental booty dance because damn, he was there waiting for me just like he said he would be. “Hello Edward,” I smiled.
“Bella,” he greeted softly.
“Did you have a good morning?” I wondered. “Or did you fall back into your black hole of bemusement again?”
“No black hole,” he laughed. “Just a handful of boring subjects that couldn’t keep my attention.”
“Do you have that problem often?”
“Being bored in class? Frequently.”
“No, falling into a black hole of bemusement? I don’t know how the poor teachers would get you out! They aren’t allowed to hold your hand without risking sexual harassment charges, and really, I don’t think they like you enough to risk it,” I smirked. “I am available of course, as the official black hole liberator of Edward Cullen.”
“Stronger than electromagnetic radiation?”
“Fuck yeah!” I laughed. “I’m like your own personal anti-gravity.”
“So is that your official title? Shall I introduce you using it? Yes, I’d like you to meet Bella, my official black hole liberator.”
“Sure, you can introduce me that way. That would be fine, unless you’d like to throw a few expletives in for good measure.”
“Just a few?” he smirked.
“One or two couldn’t hurt.”
“Or I could just introduce you as my girlfriend.” The suggestion made my stomach do flip-flops. Me, as Edward Cullen’s girlfriend? It sounded more like a part in a play as opposed to a real life title.
“The liberator one has more power…but the girlfriend on has a pretty nice ring to it. Maybe you could alternate?” I snarked.
He bent to my ear to whisper to me. “I would like to hold your hand again…just so you know.”
“Me too,” I murmured softly without meeting his eyes. I wanted more than to just hold his hand, so much more! He followed me through the lunch line, and just like yesterday he bought no food. “Do you ever eat?”
“Occasionally.”
“What’s the excuse today? Are you actually going to run before our date?” I whispered curiously.
“A small run. Besides, I don’t want to wreck my appetite for tonight.”
“I give you credit…I couldn’t do it.” I followed him to the same table as yesterday and plopped down on the bench across from him.
“It takes discipline and practise,” he admitted. “Lots of practise.”
I slipped my shoe off and stretched my foot out in search of Edward’s leg. Once I found it I let my toes nudge his shin a little, coaxing my need to touch him to relax a little bit. He looked up at me through his lashes and he looked so sexy I could hardly breathe. “I…ummm…just needed to…well, yeah, you know exactly what I needed…to do.”
He smiled and cleared his throat, likely choking back the laugh at my complete incoherency. “I don’t mind.”
“You’re very good at that…” I stopped, considering what word to use to explain the effect he had on me sometimes. “It’s sort of like stupefying, with shots of hypnosis and overwhelm thrown in for good measure.”
“Is that what I do to you?” he asked, his sexy grin plastered across his face.
“Sometimes, but don’t get too full of yourself buddy, because there are other times that are equally strong where I’d just like to fucking punch you.”
“Like right now?” he teased.
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Hello people,” Alice greeted us, taking a seat between Edward and me. “What’s shaking?”
Edward glared at her and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Alice had been dead on when she said he didn’t want to share me. I let my toes stroke his leg with a little firmer pressure, trying to soothe him a bit. “Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday.”
“And here I am,” she teased lightly. “Edward.” She nodded at her brother and giggled lightly, covering her mouth with her hand to hide her obvious amusement at his behaviour.
“Alice.” Edward’s words came from behind his gritted teeth, in a very quiet tone that clearly told her to back off.
“So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something.” She glanced over at her brother as she spoke as if they were taking turns giving the other warning glares. She looked pissed. I wondered if they’d had some kind of fight at home, possibly involving me.
“What’s that Alice?”
“I signed you up for something that I sort of think you aren’t going to want to do, but it’s too late to get out of it, so I just threw caution to the wind and went ahead.”
“Are you that desperate to get me back into the mentor program Alice?” I teased.
“No, this is so much more fun than that…kind of like all of the benefits of hanging out with me but none of the confines of school. It’s going to be so much fun.”
“What’s going to be so much fun?”
“Promise not to be mad at me?” she demanded.
“Ummm…I guess? What did you do?”
“I signed you up for the class ski trip.” She bit her lip and braced herself for my reaction, knowing it wouldn’t be good.
“You did what?” I yelled, louder than I meant to in my shocked state.
“You signed her up for skiing?” Edward snapped, glaring angrily at his sister again.
“I can’t ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days.”
“Have you ever tried skiing?” she prodded.
“No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?”
“Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you.”
Edward’s jaw snapped closed with an audible snap as he shot another warning glare at Alice. “No Alice. Bella doesn’t need Jazz’s help,” he sneered.
“Edward, hush,” Alice instructed. “Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella.” Best behaviour? What was that supposed to mean? Was I that hard to get along with that I would bring out the worst in all Cullen men? Maybe Man-boy might like to take a crack at me too?
“She’s not going Alice,” Edward seethed.
“Yes, she is Edward.”
“Do I get a vote?” I asked, feeling uncomfortably stuck in the middle of the two of them and completely insignificant, having been shoved conveniently out of the conversation that was about me.
“Bella, it’s not safe for you to go skiing,” Edward whispered.
“She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine Bella,” Alice assured me.
“I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all,” I admitted.
“See Alice? She doesn’t want to go,” Edward declared smugly.
“I wasn’t finished Edward,” I said in a quiet voice. “What I was going to say was that if it’s important to you Alice, I’ll try…”
“Oh yay!” she clapped.
“What is it with you two and your interrupting?” I snapped angrily. “I’ll try it out if you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge.”
“You won’t.” Alice was so sure of herself that I almost believed her. She shot another glare at her brother.
“Will you two fucking stop that?” I demanded. “You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!”
Edward’s foot found my leg under the table and he pushed his toes along the contour of my calf. “I’m sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that’s no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice.”
Alice was looking at the tabletop. “Me too,” she whispered, appearing to be far more embarrassed now than she had been while admitting the trip to me. It was over the top and made no sense to me.
“Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments.” I glowered at both Alice and Edward as they continued their silent cafeteria throw down. “Don’t test me people, I will bitch slap you.”
“Alice was just leaving,” Edward growled, never taking his eyes off Alice.
“No, you know what? I’m leaving. I’ll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don’t want to be in the middle of you two any more.”
“Bella, no, you don’t have to leave.” Edward murmured, his eyes finally moving to mine. I didn’t try to hide my hurt.
“Yes, I do Edward. I don’t like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you.”
“You’re not,” Alice insisted.
“Talk it over and finish it please.” I grabbed my tray and dumped it on my way out. I’d completely lost my appetite anyway. I had taken what Alice had said about Edward not wanting to share me as a joke when she said it, but now I was rethinking that shit. What a fucking hornet’s nest it was going to be if those two couldn’t find a way to get along, or worse, if I was the reason they couldn’t get along. I didn’t even want to think about how impossibly fucking uncomfortable and irritating and difficult trying to balance those two might be. I reminded myself that they were close and tried to have faith they would work it out. Maybe it was just a bad day? I went to my locker and put in my earbuds and let my iPod help me disengage from the ideas in my head. Four and a half songs later I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I looked up a pair of very remorseful brown eyes met me. “I’m not talking to you unless you tell me that you and Alice made up and that you’ll never do that to me again…and only if you mean it. You can’t just say it and lie to me because that’s what I want to hear.”
He pointed to his ears, a silent request to remove my earbuds, so I did, reluctantly. “I’m sorry Bella. Truly…Alice and I got everything figured out. We both overreacted and behaved like children and I’m very sorry that you were put in the middle of it. Will you forgive us?”
“You had me at I’m sorry,” I smiled, “but thank you for smoothing things over. Don’t be mad at Alice. She was just trying to get me to try new things. I’m sure she wasn’t intentionally trying to risk my life,” I smirked.
“Why did you indulge her then, knowing that it isn’t safe for you?” he wondered softly.
“Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone,” I mused. “It worked for me and you.”
“You’ve got me there,” he smiled, a real smile that showed me that he was happy and it stopped every worry I had that he might be placating me. “Are you ready for class?”
I made a face to indicate I thought it sounded like a fucking horrible idea, because it was, but started to get to my feet. Edward’s hand came out to offer me help getting up and I stopped. “You keep doing that,” I noted intently.
“Does it bother you?” he smiled, amused by my curiosity.
“I’m not sure…maybe…a little. Why are you doing it?”
“It’s polite,” he replied matter-of-factly.
“I don’t see you doing it to your sisters.”
“It’s how a man should treat a woman,” he reasoned.
“Your sisters aren’t women?” I smirked.
He was suddenly serious. “I offer my hand because it’s what I was raised to do. I offer it only to you because you are the only one whose well-being I care enough about to try and be of service in.”
“You could have just said you do it because you like me,” I razzed.
“You are impossible,” he laughed. I reached out for his hand, unwilling to try and resist touching him one last time before class started. As soon as my fingers slid across his skin I felt better, the ache to touch him easing as his electricity swelled against my palm and took over. As he tugged on my arm I watched his face, careful and cautious as he pulled me upright easily. “That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” he said smugly.
“Just like I said yesterday, you have a strong need to be right.”
“Two days ago,” he smirked.
“See? How do you get that ego of yours through the doors some days Cullen?”
“I turn sideways,” he teased. I punched his shoulder in protest but I’m pretty sure it hurt my hand far more than it hurt him.
As we walked to class I remembered to tell him about Charlie’s request. “Edward, I was wondering if you’d mind moving our dinner to six? My Uncle asked me to be home earlier, by nine o’clock.” I rolled my eyes, irritated. “He’s worried about my truck breaking down so he doesn’t want me out late or something. To be honest I sort of stopped listening to him.”
“That’s no problem,” Edward acquiesced. “Although, we could solve the problem if you’d let me drive you.”
“Don’t ever tell me you don’t have a need to be right,” I laughed. “I told you I want to drive myself. Take it or leave it.”
“I’ll take it,” Edward agreed, backing down. I was glad he didn’t make an issue of it. I was already feeling nervous about tonight. The idea of having to suffer through the formality of him picking me up and meeting Charlie put me on the fast track to Puketown. I so didn’t need the pressure of that on top of everything else. I had to keep tonight as light and uncomplicated as I could manage, or at least as light and uncomplicated as a first date with the perfect gorgeous boy I was in love and wanted to do dirty, nasty unmentionable things to would allow.
I paid so little attention to Mr. Banner in biology that afternoon that I couldn’t even swear he was actually in the classroom. Besides a vague memory of the sound of chalk on the board, I don’t remember a bit of the lecture. The hour was one long game of hide and seek with Edward. I’d peek at him; he’d catch me, smile that fucking beautiful smile of his, and make me blush and look away. Then he’d stare at me until I acknowledged him and start with the intense stares once I did. And after he’d finally whipped me into a frenzy with his stupefying overwhelming incoherency-inducing gaze, and I couldn’t breathe or think, he’d look away for a moment and I’d try to come down from my pseudo-brain fog. I couldn’t keep from looking at him for very long though, and the whole sequence would just repeat itself. I swear he looked so deeply into my eyes that he could see my goddamn soul. I don’t know what it was about him but it didn’t even make me uncomfortable. If I had to put an adjective to it I’d have to say right. It was just fucking right with him, the way he stared at me that made me want to show him all those hidden parts of me that I was so afraid to show anyone else, the rush of emotions and the way the made me feel when he touched me, the way I couldn’t get enough of him. It was just fucking right. So, beyond all the pressure of a first date, and a first date with Edward Cullen, there was the pressure of knowing that I wanted this to turn out so fucking badly it hurt. It had been ages since I allowed myself to want anything, let alone anything this friggen monumental. It was so close I could practically smell it, so close it was at my fingertips, and it scared the shit out of me.
“You’re lucky we didn’t have a quiz today Bella. I don’t think you were paying very good attention today,” Edward smirked as he walked me towards the gym.
“That makes two of us.”
“So I will see you tonight I guess?” He sighed softly, waiting for me to look up at him. I resisted for a moment, just to prolong my time with him for a little while longer.
“Not after school?” I wondered.
“No, I have to leave early today. I have something I need to get done.”
“Oh,” I said glumly. Why hadn’t he mentioned it earlier?
“But I will see you at six o’clock at the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “See you then.” Had we not been in the middle of a crowded hallway I would have kissed him. I wanted to so fucking badly that I could hardly keep my feet planted. The ache to touch him was growing stronger, or I was growing weaker, or both. It had been less than twenty-four hours since he’d kissed me but it felt like an eternity. At least I could look forward to a kiss tonight. There was no way I was letting the date end without one, at least one. I watched him walk away and smiled to myself. The next time I saw him I would be his date, me, Isabella Swan would be Edward Cullen’s date. I’m pretty sure I floated the rest of the way to gym.
*****
What the fuck do you wear on a date with Edward Cullen? I was in the middle of a very normal teenage girl freak out over my date attire that was unfortunately reaching epic proportions because I had no friggen clue what the appropriate choice of outfit was. He was a pretty reserved guy. Did he expect me to wear a dress? I shuddered because no…just no. A dress was definitely out, as were jeans because I was pretty sure the place he was taking me to was more towards formal than grunge. I stared at the hangers and willed them to answer my silent pleading. My eyes kept falling back to the teal sweater. It was simple enough, a little lower cut than I would normally wear to school but this wasn’t school. But what the fuck should I wear with it? No to the skirt, and the denim, and the coloured denim, and dress pants seemed too damn formal. I wanted to be comfortable in my pants since nothing else about the night would be comfortable. Finally I saw the right pair of pants, my flat front trousers, plain, black and perfectly comfortable. I wiggled into the pants and pulled the sweater over my head and took a few deep breaths before checking my reflection. Yes, the outfit would work perfectly, causal enough to be comfortable and dressy enough to blend into any dress requirements the restaurant might have. I was good to go…except for the hair.
I spent much longer than I normally would have straightening my hair. I had a theory about Edward and my hair. Edward seemed to like the hair, tangling his fingers into my ponytail yesterday, and I was pretty sure he fingered my curls that day in the quad. So I wanted to test my theory, was it the curls, the ponytail or simply the hair? I took a long time with the straightening iron making it glossy and soft and perfectly straight, and I knew when I had it right because even I could see it looked good.
I contemplated makeup while staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was so not a makeup girl, and I couldn’t apply that shit to save my life. I settled for a small bit of mascara and some clear lip-gloss. A beauty queen I was not, but the person looking back at me was someone I recognized, and that meant more to me than looking like I’d stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine, and if Edward didn’t like it he could bite me.
*****
I realized when I got to the restaurant that I’d forgotten to ask Edward if he made a reservation. I approached the hostess timidly, feeling a bit out of place and gave her Edward’s name. She smiled politely and led me to a small table that had a fantastic view of the ocean. I nodded her a thank you and sat down. It was a beautiful view, water as far as the eye could see, rolling towards the shore in gentle white-capped waves. It made me feel much more peaceful and I needed that badly. My anxiety had only gotten worse as the day wore on and I found my leg bouncing under the table nervously.
I glanced around the restaurant arbitrarily, watching the door for Edward while I studied different things, the paintings that hung on the walls, the strange toupee on the middle aged man eating by himself, the colourful saltwater fish in the tank behind the bar. There were all sorts of things to study, and I studied them all while I waited for Edward. I drank my pop and counted the forty-two people that came and ate and left while I waited for my date to show up. I ordered a refill and studied the bartender making drinks and by the time I finished my second glass of pop I could recite the recipes for a Cosmopolitan and a Martini, and chronicle every beer on tap. I picked at the bread and watched the sky begin to change colours as the sunset approached. Finally, I paid the waitress and told the stupid fucking universe to kiss my ass and accepted that he wasn’t coming.
I wasn’t Edward Cullen’s date. I wasn’t Edward Cullen’s girlfriend. I wasn’t anything to Edward Cullen but an easily played naïve dumbass. I made of list of reasons as I drove home, all perfectly plausible excuses as to why he didn’t show up, but the truth was I knew all along he was too good to be true. The whys and wherefores didn’t fucking matter. I should have never expected that I was anything more than a game. He was probably sitting around with his perfect brothers and sisters laughing his ass off at me, at what a fool he’d made of me and how easily I was played. And I had made it easy for him. I wanted this whole fucking thing so badly that I let myself believe it was going to happen. I was too stupid to even doubt it, and that made me a fucking idiot.
Three quarters of the way home I saw his stupid shiny silver Volvo pull in behind me, but I refused to look at him or acknowledge him in any way. I stopped using my rear view mirror all together so I wouldn’t even be tempted to meet his eyes. There was no fucking way I was going to talk to him. I grabbed Charlie’s spot in the driveway and pulled the truck all the way up so I was directly across form the side door. I shoved the truck door open and threw myself toward the house, pushing through the barely opened side door and slamming it behind me. I didn’t want to know his excuse. I didn’t want to see him, or talk to him, or put myself in any kind of situation where he would just fucking manipulate me again. I was done. Edward Cullen could fuck himself.
A/N: Dun, dun, dun………………
A special shout out to gnotar for starting a thread about this story over at twilight(dot)net. And to lilroses_89 for bringing it to my attention and keeping me company over there. If you’re interested, please check it out. I’ll try to check in as often as I can to answer questions and chat up the story, or at least try and say when I’ll update.
Reviews are love. You know you wanna! (or at least that I want you to :op)
Chapter 19: Surrender (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 12,503
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
19. Surrender
Apparently LJ will not forgive my verbosity and feels I should have indeed split it into two chapters... Part 2
He was there waiting in the parking lot for me the next morning, just like he told me he would me. A part of me was expecting him not to be there, still more or less unwilling to just fucking accept reality. It wasn’t anything Edward had said to me, or hadn’t said for that matter. It was just me. Things I wanted selfishly, never worked out in my favour. I had what I needed to survive, a roof over my head and a trust to provide me with my basic needs of food and clothing and eventually an education. Hell, now I even had Charlie, a man who loved me like his own, and a father figure wasn’t something I’d ever had my whole life. But when it came to things I needed to actually live life, the universe saw to it to take those things from me or keep them from me altogether - my father before I even got a chance to know him, my Mom when I needed her most of all, my home, and everything I’d ever known. The universe had enrolled me in the school of hard knocks and every time I got too comfortable it proceeded to beat the stupid out of me. So while I had him, I was going to enjoy Edward as much as I could possibly friggen stand it, but there would always be that part of me that was waiting for the universe to take him away for me. It was inevitable.
As soon as he caught sight of the truck a smile spread across his lips and I felt guilty for dwelling on his obligatory exit from my life. It wasn’t fair to Edward that he had to deal with my universal struggles, even if they would eventually affect him, or maybe that would be fate’s way of dealing, to make him decide to leave with no regrets. I liked that idea. If someone had to suffer it should be me since it was my curse to bear. I pushed the thoughts back into the depths of my mind and focused my attention on Edward, realizing even more how important it was to live in the moment.
He was walking towards my truck before I could even get out and I didn’t understand the look on his face. I decided to employ his techniques to see if he would tell me.
“Hey,” I smiled, “what’s up?”
“Hello.” He shifted his body towards me while he spoke.
“You don’t look so hot. Did you want to tell me what you’re thinking?”
He grinned at me. “You don’t want to know what I’m thinking,” he teased.
“Yes I do. You seem…upset?”
“I’m just relieved to see you.” His eyes shifted away from mine, surveying the parking lot before darting back to me. “I missed you.”
I couldn’t keep the shock from registering on my face as much as I wanted to. It’s just that his admission was shocking, like a slap to my brain and I couldn’t form an appropriate response. “Really?”
His smiled widened. “Yes really, you silly girl. I wouldn’t have said it if it weren’t true.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he echoed, his face twisted in confusion.
“Why would you miss me?” He laughed at me, unable to control his reaction to my question. I didn’t see the humour in it so I just waited for him to compose himself and explain the answer to it.
“You still don’t believe me, do you?”
“Believe you?”
“You still don’t believe that I care for you, do you?” he questioned softly.
“I’m trying,” I offered, feeling a little awkward.
“It’s ok,” he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear with deliberate slowness as he picked the right words out of his mind to speak. “I can’t pretend to understand every part of you, as much as I’d like to. There are facets of your personality that I don’t know yet and I’m not going to doubt you because of things that have happened to you and shaped who you are. Someday I’ll know them all, and then you will finally understand that my feelings for you are true and permanent.”
His words floated around in my head - ‘true and permanent,’ ‘my feelings for you,’- and made my stomach twist as they cemented the reality of our entire situation in my head. This was really happening. “I’m sure there are things about you that I don’t know either,” I offered. “Although I doubt that you are as fucking broken as I am.” I laughed blackly but he didn’t find my words funny. His face twisted in discomfort. I stared back at him, trying to understand what I could have said that would have upset him and decided maybe he didn’t like hearing me put myself down. I didn’t even see it as a put down, more a fact of who I was. Maybe he would come to understand that in time, like he suggested. “We’ve got lots of time to test your theory though?”
A small smile came to his lips. It wasn’t forced, but it wasn’t happy either, more resigned than anything else. “Would you like to have lunch together again?” he wondered in a quiet voice.
“Yes I would,” I told him in my most convincing tone, hoping to pull him out of the self-induced preoccupation he was lost in. It didn’t work. He barely seemed to register the change in my voice.
“I’ll pick you up after fourth period then,” he mumbled distractedly.
I wondered where he was in his head, what thoughts had him so deeply abstracted, what thoughts had changed his mood so entirely that he didn’t even seem to be there with me any longer. I thought about swearing at him to pull him from his distracted state but something told me it wouldn’t help, so I did the only other thing I knew of, again using his own strategies with him. I slipped my hand into his, pushing his fingers open to make room for my hand. His eyes darted to mine and looked at me questioningly. “Come back to me?” I whispered longingly.
His eyes flashed around the parking lot checking for people who might be watching and then he bent to my hand while bringing it to his lips and kissed it softly. He smiled sweetly at me. “Sorry, sometimes I get caught up in my thoughts too.”
“I thought maybe you were trapped in there for a minute, and I wasn’t sure how to climb in there and bring you back,” I teased.
He laughed lightly. “Well you certainly found a pleasant way to do just that, didn’t you?” He squeezed my hand lightly in reference to his comment.
“It worked on me yesterday,” I offered.
“It certainly did.”
“After fourth period then?” I checked.
“Yes, for lunch,” he smiled.
The morning seemed to fly by today. Between every class I rushed to the quad to try and catch a glimpse of Edward. I never tried to get his attention or talk to him. I just watched him and wondered how in the hell I landed up there, staring at him with the knowledge that he had feelings for me. I still couldn’t make sense of it. He would smile or just stare back at me. In my head we were being discreet but in my heart I felt like everyone must be watching us and seeing the changes. By the end of fourth period I was aching to touch him again and the type of contact didn’t really matter. Even if it was just my foot on his leg under the lunch table, that would be enough. I just needed the proof of our connection to make the ache stop for just a moment.
He was there against the wall again when I left my classroom, waiting for me just like he said he would be. I did a mental booty dance because damn, he was there waiting for me just like he said he would be. “Hello Edward,” I smiled.
“Bella,” he greeted softly.
“Did you have a good morning?” I wondered. “Or did you fall back into your black hole of bemusement again?”
“No black hole,” he laughed. “Just a handful of boring subjects that couldn’t keep my attention.”
“Do you have that problem often?”
“Being bored in class? Frequently.”
“No, falling into a black hole of bemusement? I don’t know how the poor teachers would get you out! They aren’t allowed to hold your hand without risking sexual harassment charges, and really, I don’t think they like you enough to risk it,” I smirked. “I am available of course, as the official black hole liberator of Edward Cullen.”
“Stronger than electromagnetic radiation?”
“Fuck yeah!” I laughed. “I’m like your own personal anti-gravity.”
“So is that your official title? Shall I introduce you using it? Yes, I’d like you to meet Bella, my official black hole liberator.”
“Sure, you can introduce me that way. That would be fine, unless you’d like to throw a few expletives in for good measure.”
“Just a few?” he smirked.
“One or two couldn’t hurt.”
“Or I could just introduce you as my girlfriend.” The suggestion made my stomach do flip-flops. Me, as Edward Cullen’s girlfriend? It sounded more like a part in a play as opposed to a real life title.
“The liberator one has more power…but the girlfriend on has a pretty nice ring to it. Maybe you could alternate?” I snarked.
He bent to my ear to whisper to me. “I would like to hold your hand again…just so you know.”
“Me too,” I murmured softly without meeting his eyes. I wanted more than to just hold his hand, so much more! He followed me through the lunch line, and just like yesterday he bought no food. “Do you ever eat?”
“Occasionally.”
“What’s the excuse today? Are you actually going to run before our date?” I whispered curiously.
“A small run. Besides, I don’t want to wreck my appetite for tonight.”
“I give you credit…I couldn’t do it.” I followed him to the same table as yesterday and plopped down on the bench across from him.
“It takes discipline and practise,” he admitted. “Lots of practise.”
I slipped my shoe off and stretched my foot out in search of Edward’s leg. Once I found it I let my toes nudge his shin a little, coaxing my need to touch him to relax a little bit. He looked up at me through his lashes and he looked so sexy I could hardly breathe. “I…ummm…just needed to…well, yeah, you know exactly what I needed…to do.”
He smiled and cleared his throat, likely choking back the laugh at my complete incoherency. “I don’t mind.”
“You’re very good at that…” I stopped, considering what word to use to explain the effect he had on me sometimes. “It’s sort of like stupefying, with shots of hypnosis and overwhelm thrown in for good measure.”
“Is that what I do to you?” he asked, his sexy grin plastered across his face.
“Sometimes, but don’t get too full of yourself buddy, because there are other times that are equally strong where I’d just like to fucking punch you.”
“Like right now?” he teased.
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“Hello people,” Alice greeted us, taking a seat between Edward and me. “What’s shaking?”
Edward glared at her and I bit my lip to keep from laughing. Alice had been dead on when she said he didn’t want to share me. I let my toes stroke his leg with a little firmer pressure, trying to soothe him a bit. “Hi Alice. I was looking for you yesterday.”
“And here I am,” she teased lightly. “Edward.” She nodded at her brother and giggled lightly, covering her mouth with her hand to hide her obvious amusement at his behaviour.
“Alice.” Edward’s words came from behind his gritted teeth, in a very quiet tone that clearly told her to back off.
“So Bella, I wanted to talk to you about something.” She glanced over at her brother as she spoke as if they were taking turns giving the other warning glares. She looked pissed. I wondered if they’d had some kind of fight at home, possibly involving me.
“What’s that Alice?”
“I signed you up for something that I sort of think you aren’t going to want to do, but it’s too late to get out of it, so I just threw caution to the wind and went ahead.”
“Are you that desperate to get me back into the mentor program Alice?” I teased.
“No, this is so much more fun than that…kind of like all of the benefits of hanging out with me but none of the confines of school. It’s going to be so much fun.”
“What’s going to be so much fun?”
“Promise not to be mad at me?” she demanded.
“Ummm…I guess? What did you do?”
“I signed you up for the class ski trip.” She bit her lip and braced herself for my reaction, knowing it wouldn’t be good.
“You did what?” I yelled, louder than I meant to in my shocked state.
“You signed her up for skiing?” Edward snapped, glaring angrily at his sister again.
“I can’t ski Alice. I can barely fucking walk most days.”
“Have you ever tried skiing?” she prodded.
“No, but I tried surfing once and it almost killed me. Can you say wipe out?”
“Oh hogwash. Besides, Jasper said he could help teach you.”
Edward’s jaw snapped closed with an audible snap as he shot another warning glare at Alice. “No Alice. Bella doesn’t need Jazz’s help,” he sneered.
“Edward, hush,” Alice instructed. “Jasper is a good skier and I know he will be on his best behaviour around Bella.” Best behaviour? What was that supposed to mean? Was I that hard to get along with that I would bring out the worst in all Cullen men? Maybe Man-boy might like to take a crack at me too?
“She’s not going Alice,” Edward seethed.
“Yes, she is Edward.”
“Do I get a vote?” I asked, feeling uncomfortably stuck in the middle of the two of them and completely insignificant, having been shoved conveniently out of the conversation that was about me.
“Bella, it’s not safe for you to go skiing,” Edward whispered.
“She’ll be fine. You’ll be fine Bella,” Alice assured me.
“I am not comfortable with the idea of skiing at all,” I admitted.
“See Alice? She doesn’t want to go,” Edward declared smugly.
“I wasn’t finished Edward,” I said in a quiet voice. “What I was going to say was that if it’s important to you Alice, I’ll try…”
“Oh yay!” she clapped.
“What is it with you two and your interrupting?” I snapped angrily. “I’ll try it out if you accept that I may spend the entire weekend in the lodge.”
“You won’t.” Alice was so sure of herself that I almost believed her. She shot another glare at her brother.
“Will you two fucking stop that?” I demanded. “You guys are being so nasty to one another with all of your glaring and sneering and smugness. Just stop!”
Edward’s foot found my leg under the table and he pushed his toes along the contour of my calf. “I’m sorry Bella. I wish that Alice had asked you first. It was rude of her to sign you up without asking you, but that’s no excuse for me to be rude as well. Sorry Alice.”
Alice was looking at the tabletop. “Me too,” she whispered, appearing to be far more embarrassed now than she had been while admitting the trip to me. It was over the top and made no sense to me.
“Ok boys and girls, scolding over with. You may resume your happy go lucky temperaments.” I glowered at both Alice and Edward as they continued their silent cafeteria throw down. “Don’t test me people, I will bitch slap you.”
“Alice was just leaving,” Edward growled, never taking his eyes off Alice.
“No, you know what? I’m leaving. I’ll see you in class Edward. You two work out whatever this crap is between you. All I know is I don’t want to be in the middle of you two any more.”
“Bella, no, you don’t have to leave.” Edward murmured, his eyes finally moving to mine. I didn’t try to hide my hurt.
“Yes, I do Edward. I don’t like seeing you guys fight and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of a problem between the two of you.”
“You’re not,” Alice insisted.
“Talk it over and finish it please.” I grabbed my tray and dumped it on my way out. I’d completely lost my appetite anyway. I had taken what Alice had said about Edward not wanting to share me as a joke when she said it, but now I was rethinking that shit. What a fucking hornet’s nest it was going to be if those two couldn’t find a way to get along, or worse, if I was the reason they couldn’t get along. I didn’t even want to think about how impossibly fucking uncomfortable and irritating and difficult trying to balance those two might be. I reminded myself that they were close and tried to have faith they would work it out. Maybe it was just a bad day? I went to my locker and put in my earbuds and let my iPod help me disengage from the ideas in my head. Four and a half songs later I felt a light tap on my shoulder. When I looked up a pair of very remorseful brown eyes met me. “I’m not talking to you unless you tell me that you and Alice made up and that you’ll never do that to me again…and only if you mean it. You can’t just say it and lie to me because that’s what I want to hear.”
He pointed to his ears, a silent request to remove my earbuds, so I did, reluctantly. “I’m sorry Bella. Truly…Alice and I got everything figured out. We both overreacted and behaved like children and I’m very sorry that you were put in the middle of it. Will you forgive us?”
“You had me at I’m sorry,” I smiled, “but thank you for smoothing things over. Don’t be mad at Alice. She was just trying to get me to try new things. I’m sure she wasn’t intentionally trying to risk my life,” I smirked.
“Why did you indulge her then, knowing that it isn’t safe for you?” he wondered softly.
“Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone,” I mused. “It worked for me and you.”
“You’ve got me there,” he smiled, a real smile that showed me that he was happy and it stopped every worry I had that he might be placating me. “Are you ready for class?”
I made a face to indicate I thought it sounded like a fucking horrible idea, because it was, but started to get to my feet. Edward’s hand came out to offer me help getting up and I stopped. “You keep doing that,” I noted intently.
“Does it bother you?” he smiled, amused by my curiosity.
“I’m not sure…maybe…a little. Why are you doing it?”
“It’s polite,” he replied matter-of-factly.
“I don’t see you doing it to your sisters.”
“It’s how a man should treat a woman,” he reasoned.
“Your sisters aren’t women?” I smirked.
He was suddenly serious. “I offer my hand because it’s what I was raised to do. I offer it only to you because you are the only one whose well-being I care enough about to try and be of service in.”
“You could have just said you do it because you like me,” I razzed.
“You are impossible,” he laughed. I reached out for his hand, unwilling to try and resist touching him one last time before class started. As soon as my fingers slid across his skin I felt better, the ache to touch him easing as his electricity swelled against my palm and took over. As he tugged on my arm I watched his face, careful and cautious as he pulled me upright easily. “That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” he said smugly.
“Just like I said yesterday, you have a strong need to be right.”
“Two days ago,” he smirked.
“See? How do you get that ego of yours through the doors some days Cullen?”
“I turn sideways,” he teased. I punched his shoulder in protest but I’m pretty sure it hurt my hand far more than it hurt him.
As we walked to class I remembered to tell him about Charlie’s request. “Edward, I was wondering if you’d mind moving our dinner to six? My Uncle asked me to be home earlier, by nine o’clock.” I rolled my eyes, irritated. “He’s worried about my truck breaking down so he doesn’t want me out late or something. To be honest I sort of stopped listening to him.”
“That’s no problem,” Edward acquiesced. “Although, we could solve the problem if you’d let me drive you.”
“Don’t ever tell me you don’t have a need to be right,” I laughed. “I told you I want to drive myself. Take it or leave it.”
“I’ll take it,” Edward agreed, backing down. I was glad he didn’t make an issue of it. I was already feeling nervous about tonight. The idea of having to suffer through the formality of him picking me up and meeting Charlie put me on the fast track to Puketown. I so didn’t need the pressure of that on top of everything else. I had to keep tonight as light and uncomplicated as I could manage, or at least as light and uncomplicated as a first date with the perfect gorgeous boy I was in love and wanted to do dirty, nasty unmentionable things to would allow.
I paid so little attention to Mr. Banner in biology that afternoon that I couldn’t even swear he was actually in the classroom. Besides a vague memory of the sound of chalk on the board, I don’t remember a bit of the lecture. The hour was one long game of hide and seek with Edward. I’d peek at him; he’d catch me, smile that fucking beautiful smile of his, and make me blush and look away. Then he’d stare at me until I acknowledged him and start with the intense stares once I did. And after he’d finally whipped me into a frenzy with his stupefying overwhelming incoherency-inducing gaze, and I couldn’t breathe or think, he’d look away for a moment and I’d try to come down from my pseudo-brain fog. I couldn’t keep from looking at him for very long though, and the whole sequence would just repeat itself. I swear he looked so deeply into my eyes that he could see my goddamn soul. I don’t know what it was about him but it didn’t even make me uncomfortable. If I had to put an adjective to it I’d have to say right. It was just fucking right with him, the way he stared at me that made me want to show him all those hidden parts of me that I was so afraid to show anyone else, the rush of emotions and the way the made me feel when he touched me, the way I couldn’t get enough of him. It was just fucking right. So, beyond all the pressure of a first date, and a first date with Edward Cullen, there was the pressure of knowing that I wanted this to turn out so fucking badly it hurt. It had been ages since I allowed myself to want anything, let alone anything this friggen monumental. It was so close I could practically smell it, so close it was at my fingertips, and it scared the shit out of me.
“You’re lucky we didn’t have a quiz today Bella. I don’t think you were paying very good attention today,” Edward smirked as he walked me towards the gym.
“That makes two of us.”
“So I will see you tonight I guess?” He sighed softly, waiting for me to look up at him. I resisted for a moment, just to prolong my time with him for a little while longer.
“Not after school?” I wondered.
“No, I have to leave early today. I have something I need to get done.”
“Oh,” I said glumly. Why hadn’t he mentioned it earlier?
“But I will see you at six o’clock at the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “See you then.” Had we not been in the middle of a crowded hallway I would have kissed him. I wanted to so fucking badly that I could hardly keep my feet planted. The ache to touch him was growing stronger, or I was growing weaker, or both. It had been less than twenty-four hours since he’d kissed me but it felt like an eternity. At least I could look forward to a kiss tonight. There was no way I was letting the date end without one, at least one. I watched him walk away and smiled to myself. The next time I saw him I would be his date, me, Isabella Swan would be Edward Cullen’s date. I’m pretty sure I floated the rest of the way to gym.
*****
What the fuck do you wear on a date with Edward Cullen? I was in the middle of a very normal teenage girl freak out over my date attire that was unfortunately reaching epic proportions because I had no friggen clue what the appropriate choice of outfit was. He was a pretty reserved guy. Did he expect me to wear a dress? I shuddered because no…just no. A dress was definitely out, as were jeans because I was pretty sure the place he was taking me to was more towards formal than grunge. I stared at the hangers and willed them to answer my silent pleading. My eyes kept falling back to the teal sweater. It was simple enough, a little lower cut than I would normally wear to school but this wasn’t school. But what the fuck should I wear with it? No to the skirt, and the denim, and the coloured denim, and dress pants seemed too damn formal. I wanted to be comfortable in my pants since nothing else about the night would be comfortable. Finally I saw the right pair of pants, my flat front trousers, plain, black and perfectly comfortable. I wiggled into the pants and pulled the sweater over my head and took a few deep breaths before checking my reflection. Yes, the outfit would work perfectly, causal enough to be comfortable and dressy enough to blend into any dress requirements the restaurant might have. I was good to go…except for the hair.
I spent much longer than I normally would have straightening my hair. I had a theory about Edward and my hair. Edward seemed to like the hair, tangling his fingers into my ponytail yesterday, and I was pretty sure he fingered my curls that day in the quad. So I wanted to test my theory, was it the curls, the ponytail or simply the hair? I took a long time with the straightening iron making it glossy and soft and perfectly straight, and I knew when I had it right because even I could see it looked good.
I contemplated makeup while staring at my reflection in the mirror. I was so not a makeup girl, and I couldn’t apply that shit to save my life. I settled for a small bit of mascara and some clear lip-gloss. A beauty queen I was not, but the person looking back at me was someone I recognized, and that meant more to me than looking like I’d stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine, and if Edward didn’t like it he could bite me.
*****
I realized when I got to the restaurant that I’d forgotten to ask Edward if he made a reservation. I approached the hostess timidly, feeling a bit out of place and gave her Edward’s name. She smiled politely and led me to a small table that had a fantastic view of the ocean. I nodded her a thank you and sat down. It was a beautiful view, water as far as the eye could see, rolling towards the shore in gentle white-capped waves. It made me feel much more peaceful and I needed that badly. My anxiety had only gotten worse as the day wore on and I found my leg bouncing under the table nervously.
I glanced around the restaurant arbitrarily, watching the door for Edward while I studied different things, the paintings that hung on the walls, the strange toupee on the middle aged man eating by himself, the colourful saltwater fish in the tank behind the bar. There were all sorts of things to study, and I studied them all while I waited for Edward. I drank my pop and counted the forty-two people that came and ate and left while I waited for my date to show up. I ordered a refill and studied the bartender making drinks and by the time I finished my second glass of pop I could recite the recipes for a Cosmopolitan and a Martini, and chronicle every beer on tap. I picked at the bread and watched the sky begin to change colours as the sunset approached. Finally, I paid the waitress and told the stupid fucking universe to kiss my ass and accepted that he wasn’t coming.
I wasn’t Edward Cullen’s date. I wasn’t Edward Cullen’s girlfriend. I wasn’t anything to Edward Cullen but an easily played naïve dumbass. I made of list of reasons as I drove home, all perfectly plausible excuses as to why he didn’t show up, but the truth was I knew all along he was too good to be true. The whys and wherefores didn’t fucking matter. I should have never expected that I was anything more than a game. He was probably sitting around with his perfect brothers and sisters laughing his ass off at me, at what a fool he’d made of me and how easily I was played. And I had made it easy for him. I wanted this whole fucking thing so badly that I let myself believe it was going to happen. I was too stupid to even doubt it, and that made me a fucking idiot.
Three quarters of the way home I saw his stupid shiny silver Volvo pull in behind me, but I refused to look at him or acknowledge him in any way. I stopped using my rear view mirror all together so I wouldn’t even be tempted to meet his eyes. There was no fucking way I was going to talk to him. I grabbed Charlie’s spot in the driveway and pulled the truck all the way up so I was directly across form the side door. I shoved the truck door open and threw myself toward the house, pushing through the barely opened side door and slamming it behind me. I didn’t want to know his excuse. I didn’t want to see him, or talk to him, or put myself in any kind of situation where he would just fucking manipulate me again. I was done. Edward Cullen could fuck himself.
A/N: Dun, dun, dun………………
A special shout out to gnotar for starting a thread about this story over at twilight(dot)net. And to lilroses_89 for bringing it to my attention and keeping me company over there. If you’re interested, please check it out. I’ll try to check in as often as I can to answer questions and chat up the story, or at least try and say when I’ll update.
Reviews are love. You know you wanna! (or at least that I want you to :op)