Out of Choices - Chapter 18
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 18: Determination (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 8,369
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
18. Determination
A/N: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer's ownership: Stephenie Meyer Twilight besitzt und alle seine Charaktere, auch in deutscher Sprache. Nobody said I couldn't be amused when I do it :op
So umm, yeah. I didn’t look far enough into the plot when I cut chapter 16 and consequently this chapter’s overlap with Chapter 17 was awkward time line wise. *blushes profusely* Completely my fault and I apologize for the repetitive dialogue. There were parts that were important to understand from Edward’s perspective so I didn’t want to scratch the entire broken down truck scene from Edwards POV. I tried to keep it brief but was not terribly successful with keeping it short. The result is a long chapter. You guys are always telling me you love long chapters so it's probably not a bad thing, but either way at least you have the explanation of it :o)
Do I get bonus points for giving two updates in two days? I'm going for three but we'll see. Either way there will be at least one more update by the end of the week. Woot!
And yay for reviews! You guys rock. Thank you so much for the enthusiasm and support and general merriment! I'm not kidding when I say I love those comments. Keep them coming. Tell me you loved it. Tell me you hated it. Tell me what you liked. Tell me what sucked. Just tell me!
From Edward’s POV…
I tried to keep myself distracted, to keep myself from thinking about Bella or what had happened today or how I felt about her but she always seeped back into my mind. I landed up on the couch in my room with my headphones on, trying to replace the memory of her with the shredding guitar and screaming vocals of the heaviest thrash metal in my music collection. I let the sweep-picked arpeggios fill my ears and take me under while the aggressive drumbeats filled in the empty spaces. I imagined the strings in my mind, seeing my own fingers pick the chords and riffs that I heard in my ears. The relief was divine.
Alice was calling to me, trying to get my attention, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
I didn’t hear the soft knock at my door over the music.
It wasn’t until I felt her small hand on my calf that I recognized that she was in the room with me.
“What Alice?” I demanded curtly, lifting my headphones from one ear.
“Just checking on you,” she admitted. “You seemed really upset when you got home.”
I glared at her but said nothing.
“Did you want to talk about it?”
I rolled my eyes and replaced the headphones on my ear.
‘Is it Bella?’ she thought.
My eyes moved to hers for a moment at the sound of Bella’s name.
‘It is Bella, isn’t it?’
“Stay out of it Alice,” I warned callously.
‘Did you hurt her again?’ Alice started searching for Bella’s future and I winced.
“Please, Alice, don’t. Not tonight.” I could handle any more tonight, not Alice’s visions or her questions or even her memories.
“Edward,” Alice rasped, glaring angrily at me while she thought of a multitude of scenarios that all resulted in me hurting Bella.
“Why is it that you assume that I did something? It’s not as if she hasn’t proven that she’s more than capable of being baneful and virulent. Do you really see me as the unfeeling one?”
“I’m sorry if I’m jumping to conclusions. Can’t I just come in here and check on my brother? Can’t I say anything to you that doesn’t cause a fight?” she complained remorsefully.
“Not about her…”
Alice turned her back to me and started looking forward into the murky planes of the future. Instead of concentrating on Bella, she was concentrating on me. The problem was that all of my decisions revolved around Bella so the visions would be every bit as painful for me as they would have been if she were looking at Bella’s future.
“Alice, stop,” I begged. She continued as if I hadn’t spoken, either caught up in her trance-like state or ignoring my pleading. “Alice if you have any warmth of feeling for me whatsoever please stop. It’s too painful.” She didn’t react to my words. Her physical form remained rigid and her mind spun rapidly through hazy images. She was searching for something specific, an answer to a question only she knew, repeating sequences, slowing them to analyze them, and then it all stopped dead. She turned to face me.
“She’s gone Edward.” Her tone, both audible and mental, was angry and aggressive.
“Who’s gone?” I asked.
“Bella, she’s not in your future any longer. What did you do?” she accused furiously.
Her statement made my chest heavy and I felt as if I was choking on something. It was only more proof that Bella was simply playing games. “I don’t know,” I admitted in a pained whisper. “She was right there with me one moment, and I thought she cared for me, but in the next moment she was gone.”
“No Edward,” Alice dissuaded. “This isn’t Bella’s fault. This is your future I’m looking for. You’ve decided something that’s changed everything and she’s disappeared from your future.”
“She doesn’t care about me Alice. She pulled away from me. It’s all just a game to her.”
“Wow, you really are a simpleton. You don’t deserve her,” she declared in a reprehensible tone.
“Alice what are you talking about? You’re not making sense. And maybe I don’t deserve her but I hardly think that’s your choice. It’s Bella’s.”
“Exactly, and your decisions have taken her choices away.” I could not follow her flawed and irrational logic.
“What choices? I haven’t forced her into anything. She is free to make her own choices.”
“Not when you’ve decided she’s not a part of your future she’s not.” She was glowering uncivilly at me now.
“I can’t make her care for me.”
“No, you can’t,” she agreed.
“Then what are you getting at Alice?” I demanded harshly.
“Do you want a future with her Edward?”
“Of course I do, but I can’t force her to return my feelings. It’s painful to be continually rejected by her. I don’t want to keep banging my head against the wall by playing games with her. If I’m not what she wants then I have to respect her decision.”
“Ugh,” she yelled, throwing her arms into the air to emphasize her disgust with my attitude. “You’re such a cretin! Have you ever stopped to think about things from her point of view?”
“Of course I have Alice. She’s been my every waking thought since…”
“Since you fell in love with her?”
“How would you know that Alice? I never shared my feelings with you.” I began furiously searching Alice’s mind for the visions that would have given away my feelings to her but she was resisting. “Damn it Alice, let me in.”
“No Edward,” she refused. “I’m not helping you with this. You don’t love her if you’re willing to let her go this easily.”
“Easily? You think this has been easy for me?” I bellowed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m trying to give her what she wants…to give her what will make her happy since I don’t seem to be able to bring her happiness.” My mind wandered to the brief moments of happiness we’d shared, the elation in provoking it and the bliss in basking in it, that beautiful smile of hers, those joyful eyes. If only I could find a way to keep her in those moments. A sudden flash of Bella appeared in my mind’s eye, not from anything I’d thought but from a slip in Alice’s mind. “I would do anything to make her happy Alice,” I whispered. Alice’s mind vivified at my words and Bella was back. There were hints of her here and there in vague images I saw before Alice pushed me out again.
“I told you I’m not helping you with this.”
“I’m not asking for you to give me the answers Alice. I just want to know what she wants…I just want some hope.”
“You just have to be willing to fight for her Edward. Make up your mind to do that and you won’t need hope.” I could see that she was decided on the matter, even though she wouldn’t let me see the images that had fixed her so resolutely to her decision.
It seemed too simple an idea after all the rejection and pain we’d caused one another, but I was more than willing to fight for her. I’d give my life for her without a second thought. Bella was the only thing that mattered to me in this world. I wanted her happiness above everything else and would gladly give her a million chances if I knew that I was what she desired.
Alice smiled. “There you go brother.” She left my room smugly happy that she had helped shape my future and Bella’s with her warnings. She wouldn’t let me into her head so I could not see any of the visions that were fueling her complacency, converting the local telephone book into binary to keep me out, but I didn’t need the visions to help guide me. Besides my love for Bella to drive me, I had faith in Alice’s determination.
*****
Never had I detested the sun like I did when it rose the next morning, hanging high in the cloudless sky taunting me. Of all days to keep me indoors. I half-considered sneaking into school just so I could get to Bella, but it was a dangerous risk that I could not allow myself to take. If nothing else I knew that getting caught in the sunlight would not win me Bella’s heart. Alice had assured me the sunshine wouldn’t last the day before the heavy clouds overran the sun and buried it in storms, but the day seemed endless anyway. Each second felt like an eternity. I didn’t even take a moment to feel the relief once the clouds closed in. I just ran to the Volvo and started looking for her. Her truck was not parked in front of her house as I expected. There was only one other place I had ever known her to go, the clearing, so I headed towards the ocean. I was halfway there when I noticed her truck pulled over to the side of the road with steam expelling from underneath the hood. I saw no sign of Bella as I pulled over and got out. I began to wonder if she’d taken off on foot when I heard her.
“Fuck!”
I bit back a laugh at her anger, too relieved that I’d found her to risk aggravating her further. She was there, crouched down in front of her truck with her arms covering her head.
“Bella?” I asked, worried by the posture of her body.
“Ahhhhh! God damn it Edward, you’re going to give me a fucking heart attack!”
I smirked. “Sorry. I can’t help it if you’re extremely unobservant.”
She accused me of purposely frightening her, which I denied before I asked her about her truck and offered my help. Bella in her usual fashion refused it, asking only for help with the hood latch. It was then that I noticed the red skin on her right hand. Without thinking I reached out for it to inspect it. I knew she’d burned it on the steam.
“It looks like the steam burned you. Are you okay?” I wanted to suggest we take her to see my father. He would insist on wrapping the hand in sterile gauze to protect the burned skin and I wouldn’t be left looking overprotective, not in Bella’s eyes anyway.
She pulled her hand back from me. “I’m fine,” she insisted, blushing. She was embarrassed to appear weak or vulnerable and I expected her reaction. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. My father’s a doctor. I know burns when I see them.” I pulled her hand back to re-examine it. There was no blistering, very little swelling, and the redness didn’t appear to be getting any worse. I was sure it had to sting even though she made no mention of it. She reaffirmed her belief that nothing was wrong with her hand and I complied with her request and let it go. I hated to do it. Even holding her hand to check for injury was better than no contact at all.
I popped the hood latch without difficulty and secured the hood with its prop, turning my back on Bella for only a moment. It only took that long for her to put herself in danger, twisting off the radiator cap before allowing the steam to fully dissipate. I pulled her arm back a second too late to prevent the foolish actions that put her at risk for further burns and I blew up at her. Why must she take her fragility for granted? Did she not know it would kill me if she were hurt? She mistook my upset for a lack of confidence in her capabilities and I explained it was nothing of the sort. I only wanted her to be safe. The conversation floated from topic to topic, including my sister’s love of cars and our camping trip. Someone at school must have filled Bella in on the generally accepted gossip that explained my family’s absence on sunny days, family camping trips. I was pleased she didn’t seem to question its validity.
“And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?” she questioned.
I had to lie about the camping. I wouldn’t lie about what I was up to. I wanted her to know why I’d come. “No,” I admitted quietly. “I was going to the clearing.”
“Why?”
“I drove by your house and you weren’t there. It’s the only other place I knew of to look for you.”
“You were looking for me?” She looked very confused as she spoke the words.
“I wanted to talk to you.” My answer seemed to make her even more uncomfortable.
“Oh.”
“You left so abruptly yesterday,” I added quickly, fearing she was pushing me away. I invited her to sit in my car and dry off, knowing she’d resist. I pressed, reminding her I had heat and a working engine to produce and deliver it and she acquiesced. I followed behind her, opening the door for her and offering my hand to help her get in. I knew she wouldn’t take it but I left it hanging in the air just in case. It was part of who I was and I wanted to give her the truest version of me that I could. Once I settled in the car I looked over at her and she seemed more relaxed, more at ease, and my spirits were instantly lifted. The conversation that followed kept me running a gamut of emotions, but I continually reminded myself that whether or not she would admit it, she felt something for me. I used her comfort to ask her about something had bothered me about her reaction yesterday.
“Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?” I tried to keep my tone light to mask my violent curiosity about her strange behaviour.
“I don’t like it when people touch me,” she admitted.
“So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?”
“Yes.”
I struggled to understand the difference between me lightly taking her wrist and pulling her towards me versus being pressed up against me kissing me. The kiss was so much more intimate. It would have made more sense to be upset by the more personal contact. “But you let me kiss you?”
“I shouldn’t have.” She seemed angry with herself, almost embarrassed by her past behaviour.
“Why?”
“No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don’t want you to get the wrong impression or anything.” My curiosity flared again at her casual attitude about our kiss. Surely it couldn’t be that casual to her.
“And what impression would that be?” I wondered.
“I dunno.”
I shifted the topic slightly. “I don’t normally behave like this.” I wanted her to know that the kiss was not casual to me, that it meant something to me.
“Okay.”
“Do you?” She was hiding in plain sight, unwilling to look at my face or meet my eyes and it was killing me. I needed to see her eyes if I had any hope of understanding what she was internalizing.
“I dunno.”
I quashed the urge to pull her chin up so she could not hide, trying to respect her newly admitted desire not to be touched. “Is it really that you don’t know, or that you don’t want to say?”
“I dunno.”
I laughed at her obvious attempt at avoiding my questions. “Do you care to figure it out?”
“Not so much.”
I could not resist teasing her. She was easy prey. “Not a big thinker?”
“I dunno.”
This was the Bella Swan I loved, openly guarded and avoiding what made her uncomfortable. I found it strange that kissing me did not fall under that subject heading. I turned to look at her and continued my teasing. “You do you have a brain, don’t you Bella?”
“Yes!” she insisted quickly.
“So you can say something besides ‘I dunno.’” I smiled at her expression, trying so hard to be defensive but only achieving vulnerability.
She grinned back at me. “Shut up! You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words.”
And I did it, finally working up the courage to ask her out. She refused and I did my best to get her to admit her reluctance in accepting my invitation. I felt as if my love for her was in every word I spoke to her but she showed me how wrong I was. She sat nervously fidgeting her hands and demonstrated that she did not understand my feelings for her at all.
“You don’t owe me anything,” she said in a soft voice. “I’m not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that.”
“Meaningless?” I was horrified at her choice of adjectives. If it had been that to her then I would have accepted that, but I knew she was misunderstanding everything that had ever happened between us, downplaying everything in an effort to hide from me. I could not allow it.
Her answers made no sense to me and I found myself repeating her words back to her in the hopes that she would clarify her thoughts. It wasn’t just a kiss and I could not accept her casual dismissal of it. And somewhere in the midst of our words she began repeating my questions back to me and I had to laugh. We were both avoiding speaking our feelings out of a fear of making things more complicated and I could not fault her for it. I asked her every question I could think to ask that would help me understand her impossibly illogical thought process. I was at a loss. There were no more words to hide behind. I had to show her my heart. When she asked me what I wanted from her I told her I wanted some truth, not to make her angry but to let her know that she was not fooling me. I was elated when she agreed to answer one question truthfully.
“Do you like kissing me?” I asked. I was too intense but I was not able to check my intensity. I need her to answer truthfully. She rolled her eyes and I pressed her. “You said you’d give me the truth.”
“I thought you’d ask an easy question,” she laughed, avoiding my eyes and blushing lightly.
“It seems easy enough to me.” It was a yes or no answer. I knew her answer. I just needed her to know that I knew.
“Fine then you answer it,” she razzed, trying to make a joke out of the question.
“I know my answer. I want yours.” I wanted to yell at her to just admit it so we could get past all the pretense.
“Yes.”
“Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?” I asked, confused. I had to be sure.
“Yes I like kissing you.” My heart soared and sank in the same moment. I was ecstatic that she admitted she liked kissing me, but if she liked it then why had she refused to kiss me again? Did that mean she did not care for me, that her behaviour really was that heedless and casual?
“But you don’t want to kiss me again?” I needed clarification to reconcile one thing with the other.
“It’s complicated…me and you…it’s just complicated.” It was certainly that. I could not deny it. The whole male female dynamic was illogical and confusing, and love only further confounded things.
I threw caution to the wind. I wasn’t going to win her heart by alluding to what was in mine. I had to show her. “I like kissing you too. I like you Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn’t get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you.” I spoke my heart and answered her questions as honestly was as I could within the context of my kind. I did not hide my intensity or back down when she challenged my feelings or allow her to pull back when she refused to believe me, even when she tested me.
“You’ve never had a woman tell you no before have you?” she charged, irritated.
“That’s beside the point.” Why should my dating history or lack there of matter to her? She was just avoiding my words by changing the subject.
“Seriously though, have you?”
And then it clicked why my history was important, why it would matter if my problem was not being able to take no for an answer. She was still unwilling to believe her importance to me. I would show her she was wrong. “No, but I’ve never asked a woman out before.”
She dismissed my words. “Ok girl, teenager, whatever.”
“No, I mean I’ve never asked anyone else out…just you,” I clarified with a smile. Couldn’t she see that she was it for me, my one and only ever.
“Huh?” She crinkled her face up in confusion. “No one?”
“You’re the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me,” I teased, helpless to resist poking at her endearing confusion. “So change your mind and say yes.”
“Okay.”
That one word changed my world. I was flying. She was giving me the chance I thought she’d never grant me, to be alone with her and attend to her needs and get to know her further. I even talked her into letting me pick her up the next morning for school to extend my time alone with her, since we couldn’t get her truck started. I wanted to walk her to the door when I dropped her off at home but I knew she would object, and I wasn’t going to give her any reason to cancel our date for Friday. I made one last attempt at convincing her to have her hand looked at, softly kissing it when she refused, as I knew she would. I hated to let her go but did so reluctantly. I longed to kiss her but didn’t even allow myself the luxury of asking. She’d already given me so much today.
I was already anticipating being away from her and picking her up for school the next day. There was so much to think about.
*****
I waited for Charlie to leave before I pulled into the driveway to pick up Bella. I was on way out of the car to call on her when she slammed the front door loudly and started for my car begrudgingly. It was almost humorous how irrational her irritations were, still caught up in not wanting me to take her to school. God forbid that she need anyone. I met her in front of the car.
“Good morning,” I greeted her softly, inhaling her sweet scent and trying to become accustomed to it, letting it burn before we climbed into the small space of the front seat where her scent would be so much more concentrated and hard to resist.
“Hey,” she answered, again with reluctance and a half smile on her face. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept well and I wondered what had kept her awake, allowing her to pass me so I could open her door for her. Her eyes shot up to me when she recognized the gesture for what it was, and then darted to my outstretched hand and back to my eyes. A tight smile came to her lips and she nodded, scooting into the car without my aid and eyeing my hand sideways once inside. She was obviously not used to being treated with proper courtesy and respect.
“May I ask you a question?” I inquired once settled in the car.
“What?” she wondered.
“Are there any other things I should know about, I mean besides your desire not to be touched?” It was in direct opposition to my desire to touch every bit of her.
“I think you already know what pisses me off,” she laughed.
“Let me see,” I teased. “Besides no touching, you don’t like to be treated like you’re stupid, which you’re most certainly not. Are there others?”
She laughed nervously. “Those are the two biggest,” she edited, but I could tell she was hiding more.
“So there are more,” I charged, grinning at her. “But you’re not going to share them with me are you?”
“No,” she agreed. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.” I just couldn’t promise to answer.
“Where’s your family? Don’t you normally drive them?”
“Yes normally, but Emmett drove today. Have you met my brother Emmett?”
“No, I’ve only met you and Alice.”
“Would you like to meet him?” I wondered. I was guessing no.
“Not so much,” she admitted with a sly grin. Emmett’s enormous physical presence was overwhelming but he was the nicest, most laid back of all in our family. He would like Bella, although I wasn’t at all sure I wanted him near her. She didn’t just smell good to me.
“He and Rosalie are too wrapped up in one another anyway,” I mumbled, hoping to put an end to the subject before she could ask a question I could not answer.
“Did you and Rosalie get my truck finished?” she inquired.
“Yes, Rosalie is replacing the faulty hose over lunch with Emmett’s help. I’ll be able to drive you back to it after school.” She seemed pleased enough at the prospect and I was happy to have made some small contribution to her happiness. “Did you decide where you’d like to go Friday?”
She eyed me sideways, nervous and fidgety. Did that mean she was regretting her decision to go out with me or was she merely reluctant to appear as if she had given our date some thought? “Dinner…maybe…I guess?” Her voice was unsure, questioning, but I decided she had given our date some thought and it improved my already good mood.
“Ok. I know of a very nice restaurant in Port Angeles that we could go to. I’ve heard the food is excellent.” I smiled, knowing it would taste no better than rubbery drivel to me. “It’s French…called C’est Si Bon.”
“French food?” Her face twisted in discomfort.
“Food prepared in a French way, but all foods you’d recognize, I’m quite sure.” I realized I sounded despotic and tried to appeal to her concerns. “It’s quiet and private. I thought the atmosphere might be more to your liking, but if you’d rather I’m sure we could look into the menu for you, or find some other place to go.”
“No, it sounds alright. As long as you think the food won’t be too fucking out there.” She smiled at me and it lit up my insides.
“No, not too out there,” I laughed.
“So I’ll meet you there at seven?” she questioned as I pulled into the lot at school. Her words threw me. I was not expecting them.
“I thought I would pick you up,” I admitted softly, trying not to let my disappointment mire my tone.
“Nooo,” she insisted emphatically. “I don’t need you to drive me. I can drive myself.”
“Isn’t it customary for the boy to pick up the girl?” I knew very well it was. Of course Bella wouldn’t want to do things the way everyone else did. I shouldn’t have been surprised and in truth I suppose I wasn’t. I was disappointed. I wanted to lengthen my time alone with her, not shorten it, which is why I picked a restaurant out of town, an hour’s drive there and another back, so I would have more time alone with Bella. She snorted at me.
“So?”
“Are you sure you’d rather drive yourself. I’d be perfectly happy to drive you…in fact I’d prefer it.”
“I’m sure you would,” she declared sarcastically, rolling her eyes at me. “Edward I drive myself everywhere. I can find my way to Port Angeles.”
“I’d rather stay closer to town if you’re going to drive yourself, say the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant perhaps?”
“Whatever!” she spat, her voice seeping with disgust.
“Bella your truck has had problems recently. What if my sister didn’t catch everything? I wouldn’t want you stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the darkness. I’m not being unreasonable,” I insisted earnestly.
“I suppose…is that the place on the water?”
“Yes.” It was a beautiful setting overlooking the Pacific with a romantic gazebo out back behind the attached hotel.
“That place looks…pretty. I’d like to go there,” she agreed softly. “But I will drive myself.” Always stubborn.
She opened the door and got out before I could make it around to open her door for her. I was going to ask her if I could walk her to class when she spoke first. “I guess I’ll see you in Bio.” She was standing in front of my car looking rather awkward and uncomfortable. Her eyes shifted quickly as she took in everything going on around her, who was looking at her, who might have noticed me dropping her off, who might be watching her speak to me. Did she want to get away from me as much as her body language indicated?
“Or before,” I suggested softly.
She tried to smile but in her discomfort it came out more like a grimace. She was not used to people staring at her like I was. I felt badly for her, her malaise leached from every cell of her body. I watched her walk towards her first class. I would definitely see her sooner than biology, even if she didn’t see me.
I changed my patterns between classes to reflect Bella’s paths. I was still worried about pushing too far too fast, struggling with my need to prove my feelings to her, my love, my loyalty and my trustworthiness, while knowing she would need space and time to accept it all. Part of me felt like a stalker, driven to following her around by my desperate desire to know that she was okay since I couldn’t simply read her mind for myself. Part of me felt like her guardian, motivated by my love to make sure she was safe and happy by assuring that no one was bothering her or giving her a hard time. And part of me felt sick, possessive and overbearing, forcing myself into her life in ways that she perhaps did not want, struggling with trying to give her what she wanted when her words rarely spoke the truth of her thoughts. In essence I was giving her what I thought she would want and waiting to see if she told me that I was wrong. For whatever reason it was easier for her to tell me things from a negative perspective, as if she understood better what she did not want rather than what she did. She still wore a look of detached blankness on her face most of the time, a look I had come to expect but was no more happy about than I was the first time I’d recognized it for what it was. My only solace was that when she was with me, that mask would sometimes slip. I doubted I would ever be able to completely remove the mask but I still wanted to try.
I was already impatient to speak to Bella. Between first and second periods I fought the urge to follow her and offer to walk her to class. By the time second period finished I was choleric, and I knew I needed to speak to her. I headed outside, following her through a classmate’s eyes to find her. She was across the quad by the time I reached the common area, and I was swimming in déjà vu. It was Alice’s vision, come to life, and as I watched the loose curls of Bella’s long hair sweep her back as she moved away from me, my only thought was to stroke those silky curls. My feet sped towards her, and I came up behind her silently, knowing it would irritate her a little to not hear me coming but needing that irritation to screen the contact I desired. I leaned into her from behind her and whispered close to her ear.
“Hello Bella.”
To my great pleasure she shuddered a little, closing her eyes for a second and halting her actions before turning towards me. My arm curled around the back of her as she turned, a very human gesture I’d seen thousands of times, and her hair swung toward towards my outstretched hand, flouncing along my palm and wrist. My fingers stretched towards the curls instinctively, lightly skimming the soft glossy strands and allowing them to dance across my skin before they shifted back to Bella’s body. Relief.
Her eyes were intense when they locked on mine. She said nothing, but her expression softened as she stared back at me. She stepped away from me wordlessly, looking back over her shoulder once more before disappearing behind another building. I sighed happily. The tiny touch gave me enough to hold on to and smugly set me apart from others who desired Bella. She hadn’t gotten angry with me. She hadn’t pushed me away. She’d allowed me to touch her, albeit modestly and unbeknownst to her, but it was contact, and a much more intimate contact than she would allow anyone else. It was more than I deserved and less than I desired, but it was enough, for now.
I don’t think I listened to a thing my teacher said in third period. My only choice of a mind to use to watch Bella had been Mike Newton’s so the entire period was spent listening to his putrid and trite thoughts as he watched Bella in class. He clearly desired her company but there was no strength of feeling from him, just a vague inclination and pompous conceit that he was the best looking male in his class. His fascination worked from the assumption that there was no other boy she could want. How little he knew of her mind. His little fantasies had gone far beyond annoying by the end of class as he was working up the courage to ask her out. As much as I wanted remove myself from his mind I had to know if Bella wanted him. My own observations where that she did not like the boy at all, but it couldn’t hurt to see her reject him directly. I wouldn’t get my chance though because Mike chickened out. At the last second Bella stepped in front of him and cut him off in one swift move, not just in movement but in speech and thought as well. I only wish I could have seen her face before it was blocked by her movements because I was betting the move was intentional on her part. Impressively astute maneuver really.
It bothered me immensely that there were other boys who considered themselves worthy of Bella’s affection. The idea that Bella would prefer me to other boys made me rather complacent if I were being honest, although in my current state of mind it was preferential to the idea of competition. These simple minded seventeen year old boys couldn’t possibly see through Bella’s rough exterior into her true self the way I could, and that meant she was only a physical conquest to them. They knew nothing of the strength and complexity of true love. If Bella were the sort of girl to speak her mind or heart then feeling confident in her feelings for me and me alone would be easy. She was not that sort of girl however. While I was resolute to remain steadfast in my pursuit of her I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t fearful of her hidden desires. All things considered equal, it would be easier to know if I truly had competition for her heart. A plan began to form in my mind, taking further shape as the period wore on, and it might just help me disinter her feelings for my competition, or lack there of.
I waited across from the door of her classroom, leaning languidly against the wall, trying to appear confidently causal and sure of myself when I was anything but. It was only the illusion that would matter today. Most of the students left in a flourish while Bella followed behind the crowd dragging her feet, seemingly lost in thought. I cleared my throat discreetly, trying to keep my grin subdued when she looked up at me surprised and slipped, letting her smile betray her for a moment before smoothing out her expression.
“Hello Edward,” she greeted me coolly. “Out trolling the halls for the catch of the day?”
“Seafood analogies?” I teased. “Really Bella, even you can do better than that…unless you’re saying…do you have a thing for fish Bella?”
“Huh?” She rolled her eyes and shook her head and began to walk away from me.
I stayed put, again trying to appear relaxed and confident, testing her again. “I came for you Bella. I thought we could eat lunch together today.” She stopped dead in her tracks but did not turn around. It was a half success - enough to get her to stop but not enough to get her to come back to me.
“You want to eat lunch with me?” she asked, surprised again. “Wouldn’t that make you a fish out of water?” The giggle that followed was like music to my ears.
“I suppose one could say that, yes. So what do you say to lunch? Would you rather fish or cut bait?” She snorted at my silly use of the idiom. “Perhaps you have other fish to fry?”
“Enough with the fish sayings Cullen,” she groaned, covering her ears as if my silly jokes were painful to her. Her light-heartedness made me so joyful I couldn’t stop myself.
“Neither fish nor fowl…fish in troubled waters…drink like a fish?” I could barely keep myself from bursting into laughter as I relayed every fish related idiom I could think of. She swatted me playfully and I grinned wider.
“Sure I’ll eat lunch with you. Just imagine the gossip we’ll create,” she offered sarcastically.
“Does the staring bother you?” I wondered.
“Most of the time…no…but once in a while I’d like to crack a few heads, sure.” I had no doubt she’d do just that if pushed far enough.
“You get used to it after a while…you just stop noticing,” I offered offhandedly. “At least that’s how it was for me. Hanging around with me is probably going to make the staring worse for a while.” I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to admit that out loud to her, knowing she didn’t like attention.
“That will be the fucking day that I let anybody tell me who I can hang out with. Fuck them!” I found myself smiling at her reaction, so backwards to what I expected. So Bella. I thought my words might make her rethink her choice to sit with me and instead they seemed to make her more determined.
“Well we can eat outside if you like, or in my car if you’d prefer.” I wanted her to know that she didn’t have to face down the whole cafeteria crowd for my benefit.
“It’s fine, honestly.” Her deep brown eyes pierced mine with their soothing gaze. Somehow she was comforting me rather than the other way around.
I found us a table off to one side while Bella bought her food. I could hear my siblings voicing their incomplete opinions on my behaviour. Only Alice seemed pleasantly surprised. I hadn’t thought about their disapproval, but I pushed their voices out of my head. I would not let them ruin my first lunch with Bella.
“Don’t you eat?” she wondered, dropping her tray on to the table.
“I had a big breakfast,” I lied, hating to do so.
“Won’t you be fucking starving by the end of the day?”
“Not really. I usually run after school. It’s hard to have endurance if you’re stuffed full of pizza,” I joked lightly, since I had no point of reference.
“Oh I see,” she nodded, turning her attention to her tray.
“How was your morning?”
“Alright. Yours?”
“Tedious.”
“Ahhh,” she acknowledged with a nod, opening her can of pop with a sharp snap. I slipped, smiling at Mike’s mental hissy fit and Bella caught me. “What are you smiling about?”
“May I ask you something?” I inquired, emboldened by her acceptance of my lunch invitation and my obvious advantage over Mike’s with respect to her attention and preference. She nodded and waited for me to continue. “It’s really none of my business,” I admitted quietly although inwardly I felt differently, “but Mike is shooting daggers at me from your regular lunch table. Is he…I’ve heard him speak of you and he obviously likes you…are you…” I trailed off hoping she would see where my question was leading.
“Absolutely not!” she declared emphatically, shooting a glare over her shoulder in his general direction. “He’s such a fucking tool. I have done everything but tell him to fuck off and he still won’t get a clue. Why? What did he say?”
I smiled at her unequivocal corroboration of her lack of feelings for him. “Just that he wants to ask you out…that he likes you.” It wasn’t a lie, even if he’d only thought it. Either way I’d still heard him.
“Let him come for me. I’ll set the motherfucker straight.”
“Really?” I smirked, unable to help myself as I waved him over with a flick of my index finger. Mike accepted my invitation with a glare, getting up and coming over to our table.
“What the hell do you want Cullen?” he snapped balefully, clearly irritated by my association with Bella. His eyes shot between Bella and me and his mind flooded with repine that I was with the girl whom he considered to be his. This was going to be way too easy to enjoy.
“Just helping a guy out,” I stated satirically. Of course I was referring to myself, but neither Bella nor Mike knew that, and it only made the situation all the more pleasurable for me. He glared angrily at me and I bit back a laugh. “Word is that you were planning on asking Bella out.”
“Who told you that?” he demanded, sneaking a sideways glance at Bella trying to decide if she was open to the idea while trying to keep from becoming even more embarrassed. Bella sat with her arms crossed over her chest, her chin jutted out defensively. She was not at all happy with his behaviour.
“Really Mike, this is a valuable opportunity. I’m giving you privacy to speak with her. Well, relative privacy,” I chuckled, “but certainly more than you’d have at your regular table or say…history class.” The colour completely drained from his face at my words. I didn’t feel as if I’d given anything away since I wasn’t even in that class with him, more that I’d made it look like there was someone he couldn’t trust in that particular class.
“You’re a prick, you know that Cullen?” He was wondering about fighting me, thinking of logistics, the when, the where, the best way to attack me, smugly sure that it would make him look more appealing to Bella. I highly doubted that.
I nodded. “I’ve been told that…by Bella in fact.” I chuckled again, unable and unwilling to wipe the smirk from my face.
“Yep,” Bella concurred with a laugh. “I’ve called Edward a prick a number of times, but… um…what’s this about wanting to ask me out?” she pressed. My body shifted towards hers infinitesimally, readying to protect her if she needed my help, which I knew she would not.
Mike turned his back to me, trying to make it look like he wanted privacy. What he really wanted was to block Bella from looking at me and I covered my mouth to muffle my laugh at his mental irritation.
“Well I didn’t want it to be like this…I feel kind of pressured,” he mumbled, shooting a pointed glance over his shoulder.
“Bella, would you feel more comfortable if I stepped away so you and Mike could have some privacy?” I would be able to hear every word spoken and every thought Mike had, as well as gauge Bella’s reaction from Mike’s vantage point. My lack of proximity would not prevent me from monitoring the entire conversation.
“Thanks Edward, but there isn’t anything that Mike could say that he couldn’t say in front of you.” I smiled smugly, too pleased to even listen to Mike’s horror.
“No, it’s fine. I…I,” Mike stammered, trying to appear collected. His mind was a wreck. “I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?”
“Why Mike?” Bella pressed.
“Well if you’re free I thought maybe we could do something…together.”
“As it happens Mike, I actually do have plans on Friday but let’s just be straight with each other. I’m not interested in you. At all. And that’s being polite. You seriously don’t want to hear what I’d actually like to say to you on the subject of the two of us dating. Suffice it to say that there would be enough fucks and sundry superlative slang that your ears would burn for a week.”
“Why Bella?” Mike complained. “Is there someone else in the picture?” His mind centered on me and I was happy that he saw me as competition. I would be more than a fearsome competitor. I wouldn’t rest until I was the victor. He couldn’t fathom a reason to explain why she wouldn’t like him and was still resisting the idea that she did not care for him at all. He really was a tool, just like Bella had said.
“That’s none of your business Mike, and completely fucking irrelevant to the conversation. You asked me out. I’m saying no. I’m saying I’m not the least bit interested in you in any imaginable way. There is no chance. Zero. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Are you hearing me Mike?” There was a hint of petulance in her voice, I was guessing because she knew that even though she spoke in plain English and left no room for doubt that Mike would not accept her words at face value. She was exactly correct. The irrational boy was still assuming Bella was playing hard to get.
“Maybe we could talk about it some other time…when there is more privacy,” he mumbled, shifting his weight to his other foot.
“There will never be enough privacy to make me say yes Mike. Never.”
“Ok,” he said resignedly. “Some other time then.” He walked away pondering how he would change her mind. Her words truly meant nothing to him. I liked the idea of shoving our date in his face to get him to see reality. If nothing else it might get him to see that she was capable of saying yes and provide me an opportunity to be smug with him as retribution for his eavesdropping in biology class, not to mention the fact that I longed to knock him down a peg, or twenty.
“Wow,” Bella huffed, rolling her eyes and blushing lightly.
“I think you’re too kind,” I noted thoughtfully.
“Too kind?” she asked, confused by my choice of words.
“Tool is a compliment compared to what he actually is. I’m sorry that he doesn’t get it. I admit that I thought you might be exaggerating when you said you’d told him that you didn’t like him in every way you could think of but you really have. He just refuses to acknowledge your words.”
She laughed, a melodious giggle that filled my ears with happiness. “Thank you for that. It was rather enjoyable.”
“My pleasure,” I admitted, and it was. I now knew without a doubt that Bella had no feelings for him. Now if only getting her to admit her feelings for me were that easy.
A/N: I know that was sort of a craptastic place to cut the chapter but Edward was just going to go on talking so I had to cut him off somewhere. Forgive Edward and show him you still love him by leaving some love by way of a review. He loves reviews. He told me so!
Chapter 18: Determination (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 8,369
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
18. Determination
A/N: My obligatory recognition of Stephenie Meyer's ownership: Stephenie Meyer Twilight besitzt und alle seine Charaktere, auch in deutscher Sprache. Nobody said I couldn't be amused when I do it :op
So umm, yeah. I didn’t look far enough into the plot when I cut chapter 16 and consequently this chapter’s overlap with Chapter 17 was awkward time line wise. *blushes profusely* Completely my fault and I apologize for the repetitive dialogue. There were parts that were important to understand from Edward’s perspective so I didn’t want to scratch the entire broken down truck scene from Edwards POV. I tried to keep it brief but was not terribly successful with keeping it short. The result is a long chapter. You guys are always telling me you love long chapters so it's probably not a bad thing, but either way at least you have the explanation of it :o)
Do I get bonus points for giving two updates in two days? I'm going for three but we'll see. Either way there will be at least one more update by the end of the week. Woot!
And yay for reviews! You guys rock. Thank you so much for the enthusiasm and support and general merriment! I'm not kidding when I say I love those comments. Keep them coming. Tell me you loved it. Tell me you hated it. Tell me what you liked. Tell me what sucked. Just tell me!
From Edward’s POV…
I tried to keep myself distracted, to keep myself from thinking about Bella or what had happened today or how I felt about her but she always seeped back into my mind. I landed up on the couch in my room with my headphones on, trying to replace the memory of her with the shredding guitar and screaming vocals of the heaviest thrash metal in my music collection. I let the sweep-picked arpeggios fill my ears and take me under while the aggressive drumbeats filled in the empty spaces. I imagined the strings in my mind, seeing my own fingers pick the chords and riffs that I heard in my ears. The relief was divine.
Alice was calling to me, trying to get my attention, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.
I didn’t hear the soft knock at my door over the music.
It wasn’t until I felt her small hand on my calf that I recognized that she was in the room with me.
“What Alice?” I demanded curtly, lifting my headphones from one ear.
“Just checking on you,” she admitted. “You seemed really upset when you got home.”
I glared at her but said nothing.
“Did you want to talk about it?”
I rolled my eyes and replaced the headphones on my ear.
‘Is it Bella?’ she thought.
My eyes moved to hers for a moment at the sound of Bella’s name.
‘It is Bella, isn’t it?’
“Stay out of it Alice,” I warned callously.
‘Did you hurt her again?’ Alice started searching for Bella’s future and I winced.
“Please, Alice, don’t. Not tonight.” I could handle any more tonight, not Alice’s visions or her questions or even her memories.
“Edward,” Alice rasped, glaring angrily at me while she thought of a multitude of scenarios that all resulted in me hurting Bella.
“Why is it that you assume that I did something? It’s not as if she hasn’t proven that she’s more than capable of being baneful and virulent. Do you really see me as the unfeeling one?”
“I’m sorry if I’m jumping to conclusions. Can’t I just come in here and check on my brother? Can’t I say anything to you that doesn’t cause a fight?” she complained remorsefully.
“Not about her…”
Alice turned her back to me and started looking forward into the murky planes of the future. Instead of concentrating on Bella, she was concentrating on me. The problem was that all of my decisions revolved around Bella so the visions would be every bit as painful for me as they would have been if she were looking at Bella’s future.
“Alice, stop,” I begged. She continued as if I hadn’t spoken, either caught up in her trance-like state or ignoring my pleading. “Alice if you have any warmth of feeling for me whatsoever please stop. It’s too painful.” She didn’t react to my words. Her physical form remained rigid and her mind spun rapidly through hazy images. She was searching for something specific, an answer to a question only she knew, repeating sequences, slowing them to analyze them, and then it all stopped dead. She turned to face me.
“She’s gone Edward.” Her tone, both audible and mental, was angry and aggressive.
“Who’s gone?” I asked.
“Bella, she’s not in your future any longer. What did you do?” she accused furiously.
Her statement made my chest heavy and I felt as if I was choking on something. It was only more proof that Bella was simply playing games. “I don’t know,” I admitted in a pained whisper. “She was right there with me one moment, and I thought she cared for me, but in the next moment she was gone.”
“No Edward,” Alice dissuaded. “This isn’t Bella’s fault. This is your future I’m looking for. You’ve decided something that’s changed everything and she’s disappeared from your future.”
“She doesn’t care about me Alice. She pulled away from me. It’s all just a game to her.”
“Wow, you really are a simpleton. You don’t deserve her,” she declared in a reprehensible tone.
“Alice what are you talking about? You’re not making sense. And maybe I don’t deserve her but I hardly think that’s your choice. It’s Bella’s.”
“Exactly, and your decisions have taken her choices away.” I could not follow her flawed and irrational logic.
“What choices? I haven’t forced her into anything. She is free to make her own choices.”
“Not when you’ve decided she’s not a part of your future she’s not.” She was glowering uncivilly at me now.
“I can’t make her care for me.”
“No, you can’t,” she agreed.
“Then what are you getting at Alice?” I demanded harshly.
“Do you want a future with her Edward?”
“Of course I do, but I can’t force her to return my feelings. It’s painful to be continually rejected by her. I don’t want to keep banging my head against the wall by playing games with her. If I’m not what she wants then I have to respect her decision.”
“Ugh,” she yelled, throwing her arms into the air to emphasize her disgust with my attitude. “You’re such a cretin! Have you ever stopped to think about things from her point of view?”
“Of course I have Alice. She’s been my every waking thought since…”
“Since you fell in love with her?”
“How would you know that Alice? I never shared my feelings with you.” I began furiously searching Alice’s mind for the visions that would have given away my feelings to her but she was resisting. “Damn it Alice, let me in.”
“No Edward,” she refused. “I’m not helping you with this. You don’t love her if you’re willing to let her go this easily.”
“Easily? You think this has been easy for me?” I bellowed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m trying to give her what she wants…to give her what will make her happy since I don’t seem to be able to bring her happiness.” My mind wandered to the brief moments of happiness we’d shared, the elation in provoking it and the bliss in basking in it, that beautiful smile of hers, those joyful eyes. If only I could find a way to keep her in those moments. A sudden flash of Bella appeared in my mind’s eye, not from anything I’d thought but from a slip in Alice’s mind. “I would do anything to make her happy Alice,” I whispered. Alice’s mind vivified at my words and Bella was back. There were hints of her here and there in vague images I saw before Alice pushed me out again.
“I told you I’m not helping you with this.”
“I’m not asking for you to give me the answers Alice. I just want to know what she wants…I just want some hope.”
“You just have to be willing to fight for her Edward. Make up your mind to do that and you won’t need hope.” I could see that she was decided on the matter, even though she wouldn’t let me see the images that had fixed her so resolutely to her decision.
It seemed too simple an idea after all the rejection and pain we’d caused one another, but I was more than willing to fight for her. I’d give my life for her without a second thought. Bella was the only thing that mattered to me in this world. I wanted her happiness above everything else and would gladly give her a million chances if I knew that I was what she desired.
Alice smiled. “There you go brother.” She left my room smugly happy that she had helped shape my future and Bella’s with her warnings. She wouldn’t let me into her head so I could not see any of the visions that were fueling her complacency, converting the local telephone book into binary to keep me out, but I didn’t need the visions to help guide me. Besides my love for Bella to drive me, I had faith in Alice’s determination.
*****
Never had I detested the sun like I did when it rose the next morning, hanging high in the cloudless sky taunting me. Of all days to keep me indoors. I half-considered sneaking into school just so I could get to Bella, but it was a dangerous risk that I could not allow myself to take. If nothing else I knew that getting caught in the sunlight would not win me Bella’s heart. Alice had assured me the sunshine wouldn’t last the day before the heavy clouds overran the sun and buried it in storms, but the day seemed endless anyway. Each second felt like an eternity. I didn’t even take a moment to feel the relief once the clouds closed in. I just ran to the Volvo and started looking for her. Her truck was not parked in front of her house as I expected. There was only one other place I had ever known her to go, the clearing, so I headed towards the ocean. I was halfway there when I noticed her truck pulled over to the side of the road with steam expelling from underneath the hood. I saw no sign of Bella as I pulled over and got out. I began to wonder if she’d taken off on foot when I heard her.
“Fuck!”
I bit back a laugh at her anger, too relieved that I’d found her to risk aggravating her further. She was there, crouched down in front of her truck with her arms covering her head.
“Bella?” I asked, worried by the posture of her body.
“Ahhhhh! God damn it Edward, you’re going to give me a fucking heart attack!”
I smirked. “Sorry. I can’t help it if you’re extremely unobservant.”
She accused me of purposely frightening her, which I denied before I asked her about her truck and offered my help. Bella in her usual fashion refused it, asking only for help with the hood latch. It was then that I noticed the red skin on her right hand. Without thinking I reached out for it to inspect it. I knew she’d burned it on the steam.
“It looks like the steam burned you. Are you okay?” I wanted to suggest we take her to see my father. He would insist on wrapping the hand in sterile gauze to protect the burned skin and I wouldn’t be left looking overprotective, not in Bella’s eyes anyway.
She pulled her hand back from me. “I’m fine,” she insisted, blushing. She was embarrassed to appear weak or vulnerable and I expected her reaction. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. My father’s a doctor. I know burns when I see them.” I pulled her hand back to re-examine it. There was no blistering, very little swelling, and the redness didn’t appear to be getting any worse. I was sure it had to sting even though she made no mention of it. She reaffirmed her belief that nothing was wrong with her hand and I complied with her request and let it go. I hated to do it. Even holding her hand to check for injury was better than no contact at all.
I popped the hood latch without difficulty and secured the hood with its prop, turning my back on Bella for only a moment. It only took that long for her to put herself in danger, twisting off the radiator cap before allowing the steam to fully dissipate. I pulled her arm back a second too late to prevent the foolish actions that put her at risk for further burns and I blew up at her. Why must she take her fragility for granted? Did she not know it would kill me if she were hurt? She mistook my upset for a lack of confidence in her capabilities and I explained it was nothing of the sort. I only wanted her to be safe. The conversation floated from topic to topic, including my sister’s love of cars and our camping trip. Someone at school must have filled Bella in on the generally accepted gossip that explained my family’s absence on sunny days, family camping trips. I was pleased she didn’t seem to question its validity.
“And you just happened to be wandering this way and ran across me?” she questioned.
I had to lie about the camping. I wouldn’t lie about what I was up to. I wanted her to know why I’d come. “No,” I admitted quietly. “I was going to the clearing.”
“Why?”
“I drove by your house and you weren’t there. It’s the only other place I knew of to look for you.”
“You were looking for me?” She looked very confused as she spoke the words.
“I wanted to talk to you.” My answer seemed to make her even more uncomfortable.
“Oh.”
“You left so abruptly yesterday,” I added quickly, fearing she was pushing me away. I invited her to sit in my car and dry off, knowing she’d resist. I pressed, reminding her I had heat and a working engine to produce and deliver it and she acquiesced. I followed behind her, opening the door for her and offering my hand to help her get in. I knew she wouldn’t take it but I left it hanging in the air just in case. It was part of who I was and I wanted to give her the truest version of me that I could. Once I settled in the car I looked over at her and she seemed more relaxed, more at ease, and my spirits were instantly lifted. The conversation that followed kept me running a gamut of emotions, but I continually reminded myself that whether or not she would admit it, she felt something for me. I used her comfort to ask her about something had bothered me about her reaction yesterday.
“Why did you get so angry when I took your wrist yesterday?” I tried to keep my tone light to mask my violent curiosity about her strange behaviour.
“I don’t like it when people touch me,” she admitted.
“So when I grabbed your wrist it bothered you?”
“Yes.”
I struggled to understand the difference between me lightly taking her wrist and pulling her towards me versus being pressed up against me kissing me. The kiss was so much more intimate. It would have made more sense to be upset by the more personal contact. “But you let me kiss you?”
“I shouldn’t have.” She seemed angry with herself, almost embarrassed by her past behaviour.
“Why?”
“No reason really...I mean it was harmless enough. I just don’t want you to get the wrong impression or anything.” My curiosity flared again at her casual attitude about our kiss. Surely it couldn’t be that casual to her.
“And what impression would that be?” I wondered.
“I dunno.”
I shifted the topic slightly. “I don’t normally behave like this.” I wanted her to know that the kiss was not casual to me, that it meant something to me.
“Okay.”
“Do you?” She was hiding in plain sight, unwilling to look at my face or meet my eyes and it was killing me. I needed to see her eyes if I had any hope of understanding what she was internalizing.
“I dunno.”
I quashed the urge to pull her chin up so she could not hide, trying to respect her newly admitted desire not to be touched. “Is it really that you don’t know, or that you don’t want to say?”
“I dunno.”
I laughed at her obvious attempt at avoiding my questions. “Do you care to figure it out?”
“Not so much.”
I could not resist teasing her. She was easy prey. “Not a big thinker?”
“I dunno.”
This was the Bella Swan I loved, openly guarded and avoiding what made her uncomfortable. I found it strange that kissing me did not fall under that subject heading. I turned to look at her and continued my teasing. “You do you have a brain, don’t you Bella?”
“Yes!” she insisted quickly.
“So you can say something besides ‘I dunno.’” I smiled at her expression, trying so hard to be defensive but only achieving vulnerability.
She grinned back at me. “Shut up! You know damn well that I can say a whole lot of fucking words.”
And I did it, finally working up the courage to ask her out. She refused and I did my best to get her to admit her reluctance in accepting my invitation. I felt as if my love for her was in every word I spoke to her but she showed me how wrong I was. She sat nervously fidgeting her hands and demonstrated that she did not understand my feelings for her at all.
“You don’t owe me anything,” she said in a soft voice. “I’m not so stupid that I think I mean something to you. The kiss…kisses…well they were nothing. Flirting gone a wry. It was meaningless. I know that.”
“Meaningless?” I was horrified at her choice of adjectives. If it had been that to her then I would have accepted that, but I knew she was misunderstanding everything that had ever happened between us, downplaying everything in an effort to hide from me. I could not allow it.
Her answers made no sense to me and I found myself repeating her words back to her in the hopes that she would clarify her thoughts. It wasn’t just a kiss and I could not accept her casual dismissal of it. And somewhere in the midst of our words she began repeating my questions back to me and I had to laugh. We were both avoiding speaking our feelings out of a fear of making things more complicated and I could not fault her for it. I asked her every question I could think to ask that would help me understand her impossibly illogical thought process. I was at a loss. There were no more words to hide behind. I had to show her my heart. When she asked me what I wanted from her I told her I wanted some truth, not to make her angry but to let her know that she was not fooling me. I was elated when she agreed to answer one question truthfully.
“Do you like kissing me?” I asked. I was too intense but I was not able to check my intensity. I need her to answer truthfully. She rolled her eyes and I pressed her. “You said you’d give me the truth.”
“I thought you’d ask an easy question,” she laughed, avoiding my eyes and blushing lightly.
“It seems easy enough to me.” It was a yes or no answer. I knew her answer. I just needed her to know that I knew.
“Fine then you answer it,” she razzed, trying to make a joke out of the question.
“I know my answer. I want yours.” I wanted to yell at her to just admit it so we could get past all the pretense.
“Yes.”
“Yes that I want your answer or yes is your answer?” I asked, confused. I had to be sure.
“Yes I like kissing you.” My heart soared and sank in the same moment. I was ecstatic that she admitted she liked kissing me, but if she liked it then why had she refused to kiss me again? Did that mean she did not care for me, that her behaviour really was that heedless and casual?
“But you don’t want to kiss me again?” I needed clarification to reconcile one thing with the other.
“It’s complicated…me and you…it’s just complicated.” It was certainly that. I could not deny it. The whole male female dynamic was illogical and confusing, and love only further confounded things.
I threw caution to the wind. I wasn’t going to win her heart by alluding to what was in mine. I had to show her. “I like kissing you too. I like you Bella. I know it may not seem like that sometimes…and we didn’t get off on the right foot when we met…but I do like you.” I spoke my heart and answered her questions as honestly was as I could within the context of my kind. I did not hide my intensity or back down when she challenged my feelings or allow her to pull back when she refused to believe me, even when she tested me.
“You’ve never had a woman tell you no before have you?” she charged, irritated.
“That’s beside the point.” Why should my dating history or lack there of matter to her? She was just avoiding my words by changing the subject.
“Seriously though, have you?”
And then it clicked why my history was important, why it would matter if my problem was not being able to take no for an answer. She was still unwilling to believe her importance to me. I would show her she was wrong. “No, but I’ve never asked a woman out before.”
She dismissed my words. “Ok girl, teenager, whatever.”
“No, I mean I’ve never asked anyone else out…just you,” I clarified with a smile. Couldn’t she see that she was it for me, my one and only ever.
“Huh?” She crinkled her face up in confusion. “No one?”
“You’re the first…the first to be asked and the first to say no to me,” I teased, helpless to resist poking at her endearing confusion. “So change your mind and say yes.”
“Okay.”
That one word changed my world. I was flying. She was giving me the chance I thought she’d never grant me, to be alone with her and attend to her needs and get to know her further. I even talked her into letting me pick her up the next morning for school to extend my time alone with her, since we couldn’t get her truck started. I wanted to walk her to the door when I dropped her off at home but I knew she would object, and I wasn’t going to give her any reason to cancel our date for Friday. I made one last attempt at convincing her to have her hand looked at, softly kissing it when she refused, as I knew she would. I hated to let her go but did so reluctantly. I longed to kiss her but didn’t even allow myself the luxury of asking. She’d already given me so much today.
I was already anticipating being away from her and picking her up for school the next day. There was so much to think about.
*****
I waited for Charlie to leave before I pulled into the driveway to pick up Bella. I was on way out of the car to call on her when she slammed the front door loudly and started for my car begrudgingly. It was almost humorous how irrational her irritations were, still caught up in not wanting me to take her to school. God forbid that she need anyone. I met her in front of the car.
“Good morning,” I greeted her softly, inhaling her sweet scent and trying to become accustomed to it, letting it burn before we climbed into the small space of the front seat where her scent would be so much more concentrated and hard to resist.
“Hey,” she answered, again with reluctance and a half smile on her face. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept well and I wondered what had kept her awake, allowing her to pass me so I could open her door for her. Her eyes shot up to me when she recognized the gesture for what it was, and then darted to my outstretched hand and back to my eyes. A tight smile came to her lips and she nodded, scooting into the car without my aid and eyeing my hand sideways once inside. She was obviously not used to being treated with proper courtesy and respect.
“May I ask you a question?” I inquired once settled in the car.
“What?” she wondered.
“Are there any other things I should know about, I mean besides your desire not to be touched?” It was in direct opposition to my desire to touch every bit of her.
“I think you already know what pisses me off,” she laughed.
“Let me see,” I teased. “Besides no touching, you don’t like to be treated like you’re stupid, which you’re most certainly not. Are there others?”
She laughed nervously. “Those are the two biggest,” she edited, but I could tell she was hiding more.
“So there are more,” I charged, grinning at her. “But you’re not going to share them with me are you?”
“No,” she agreed. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.” I just couldn’t promise to answer.
“Where’s your family? Don’t you normally drive them?”
“Yes normally, but Emmett drove today. Have you met my brother Emmett?”
“No, I’ve only met you and Alice.”
“Would you like to meet him?” I wondered. I was guessing no.
“Not so much,” she admitted with a sly grin. Emmett’s enormous physical presence was overwhelming but he was the nicest, most laid back of all in our family. He would like Bella, although I wasn’t at all sure I wanted him near her. She didn’t just smell good to me.
“He and Rosalie are too wrapped up in one another anyway,” I mumbled, hoping to put an end to the subject before she could ask a question I could not answer.
“Did you and Rosalie get my truck finished?” she inquired.
“Yes, Rosalie is replacing the faulty hose over lunch with Emmett’s help. I’ll be able to drive you back to it after school.” She seemed pleased enough at the prospect and I was happy to have made some small contribution to her happiness. “Did you decide where you’d like to go Friday?”
She eyed me sideways, nervous and fidgety. Did that mean she was regretting her decision to go out with me or was she merely reluctant to appear as if she had given our date some thought? “Dinner…maybe…I guess?” Her voice was unsure, questioning, but I decided she had given our date some thought and it improved my already good mood.
“Ok. I know of a very nice restaurant in Port Angeles that we could go to. I’ve heard the food is excellent.” I smiled, knowing it would taste no better than rubbery drivel to me. “It’s French…called C’est Si Bon.”
“French food?” Her face twisted in discomfort.
“Food prepared in a French way, but all foods you’d recognize, I’m quite sure.” I realized I sounded despotic and tried to appeal to her concerns. “It’s quiet and private. I thought the atmosphere might be more to your liking, but if you’d rather I’m sure we could look into the menu for you, or find some other place to go.”
“No, it sounds alright. As long as you think the food won’t be too fucking out there.” She smiled at me and it lit up my insides.
“No, not too out there,” I laughed.
“So I’ll meet you there at seven?” she questioned as I pulled into the lot at school. Her words threw me. I was not expecting them.
“I thought I would pick you up,” I admitted softly, trying not to let my disappointment mire my tone.
“Nooo,” she insisted emphatically. “I don’t need you to drive me. I can drive myself.”
“Isn’t it customary for the boy to pick up the girl?” I knew very well it was. Of course Bella wouldn’t want to do things the way everyone else did. I shouldn’t have been surprised and in truth I suppose I wasn’t. I was disappointed. I wanted to lengthen my time alone with her, not shorten it, which is why I picked a restaurant out of town, an hour’s drive there and another back, so I would have more time alone with Bella. She snorted at me.
“So?”
“Are you sure you’d rather drive yourself. I’d be perfectly happy to drive you…in fact I’d prefer it.”
“I’m sure you would,” she declared sarcastically, rolling her eyes at me. “Edward I drive myself everywhere. I can find my way to Port Angeles.”
“I’d rather stay closer to town if you’re going to drive yourself, say the Kalaloch Lodge Restaurant perhaps?”
“Whatever!” she spat, her voice seeping with disgust.
“Bella your truck has had problems recently. What if my sister didn’t catch everything? I wouldn’t want you stranded out in the middle of nowhere in the darkness. I’m not being unreasonable,” I insisted earnestly.
“I suppose…is that the place on the water?”
“Yes.” It was a beautiful setting overlooking the Pacific with a romantic gazebo out back behind the attached hotel.
“That place looks…pretty. I’d like to go there,” she agreed softly. “But I will drive myself.” Always stubborn.
She opened the door and got out before I could make it around to open her door for her. I was going to ask her if I could walk her to class when she spoke first. “I guess I’ll see you in Bio.” She was standing in front of my car looking rather awkward and uncomfortable. Her eyes shifted quickly as she took in everything going on around her, who was looking at her, who might have noticed me dropping her off, who might be watching her speak to me. Did she want to get away from me as much as her body language indicated?
“Or before,” I suggested softly.
She tried to smile but in her discomfort it came out more like a grimace. She was not used to people staring at her like I was. I felt badly for her, her malaise leached from every cell of her body. I watched her walk towards her first class. I would definitely see her sooner than biology, even if she didn’t see me.
I changed my patterns between classes to reflect Bella’s paths. I was still worried about pushing too far too fast, struggling with my need to prove my feelings to her, my love, my loyalty and my trustworthiness, while knowing she would need space and time to accept it all. Part of me felt like a stalker, driven to following her around by my desperate desire to know that she was okay since I couldn’t simply read her mind for myself. Part of me felt like her guardian, motivated by my love to make sure she was safe and happy by assuring that no one was bothering her or giving her a hard time. And part of me felt sick, possessive and overbearing, forcing myself into her life in ways that she perhaps did not want, struggling with trying to give her what she wanted when her words rarely spoke the truth of her thoughts. In essence I was giving her what I thought she would want and waiting to see if she told me that I was wrong. For whatever reason it was easier for her to tell me things from a negative perspective, as if she understood better what she did not want rather than what she did. She still wore a look of detached blankness on her face most of the time, a look I had come to expect but was no more happy about than I was the first time I’d recognized it for what it was. My only solace was that when she was with me, that mask would sometimes slip. I doubted I would ever be able to completely remove the mask but I still wanted to try.
I was already impatient to speak to Bella. Between first and second periods I fought the urge to follow her and offer to walk her to class. By the time second period finished I was choleric, and I knew I needed to speak to her. I headed outside, following her through a classmate’s eyes to find her. She was across the quad by the time I reached the common area, and I was swimming in déjà vu. It was Alice’s vision, come to life, and as I watched the loose curls of Bella’s long hair sweep her back as she moved away from me, my only thought was to stroke those silky curls. My feet sped towards her, and I came up behind her silently, knowing it would irritate her a little to not hear me coming but needing that irritation to screen the contact I desired. I leaned into her from behind her and whispered close to her ear.
“Hello Bella.”
To my great pleasure she shuddered a little, closing her eyes for a second and halting her actions before turning towards me. My arm curled around the back of her as she turned, a very human gesture I’d seen thousands of times, and her hair swung toward towards my outstretched hand, flouncing along my palm and wrist. My fingers stretched towards the curls instinctively, lightly skimming the soft glossy strands and allowing them to dance across my skin before they shifted back to Bella’s body. Relief.
Her eyes were intense when they locked on mine. She said nothing, but her expression softened as she stared back at me. She stepped away from me wordlessly, looking back over her shoulder once more before disappearing behind another building. I sighed happily. The tiny touch gave me enough to hold on to and smugly set me apart from others who desired Bella. She hadn’t gotten angry with me. She hadn’t pushed me away. She’d allowed me to touch her, albeit modestly and unbeknownst to her, but it was contact, and a much more intimate contact than she would allow anyone else. It was more than I deserved and less than I desired, but it was enough, for now.
I don’t think I listened to a thing my teacher said in third period. My only choice of a mind to use to watch Bella had been Mike Newton’s so the entire period was spent listening to his putrid and trite thoughts as he watched Bella in class. He clearly desired her company but there was no strength of feeling from him, just a vague inclination and pompous conceit that he was the best looking male in his class. His fascination worked from the assumption that there was no other boy she could want. How little he knew of her mind. His little fantasies had gone far beyond annoying by the end of class as he was working up the courage to ask her out. As much as I wanted remove myself from his mind I had to know if Bella wanted him. My own observations where that she did not like the boy at all, but it couldn’t hurt to see her reject him directly. I wouldn’t get my chance though because Mike chickened out. At the last second Bella stepped in front of him and cut him off in one swift move, not just in movement but in speech and thought as well. I only wish I could have seen her face before it was blocked by her movements because I was betting the move was intentional on her part. Impressively astute maneuver really.
It bothered me immensely that there were other boys who considered themselves worthy of Bella’s affection. The idea that Bella would prefer me to other boys made me rather complacent if I were being honest, although in my current state of mind it was preferential to the idea of competition. These simple minded seventeen year old boys couldn’t possibly see through Bella’s rough exterior into her true self the way I could, and that meant she was only a physical conquest to them. They knew nothing of the strength and complexity of true love. If Bella were the sort of girl to speak her mind or heart then feeling confident in her feelings for me and me alone would be easy. She was not that sort of girl however. While I was resolute to remain steadfast in my pursuit of her I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t fearful of her hidden desires. All things considered equal, it would be easier to know if I truly had competition for her heart. A plan began to form in my mind, taking further shape as the period wore on, and it might just help me disinter her feelings for my competition, or lack there of.
I waited across from the door of her classroom, leaning languidly against the wall, trying to appear confidently causal and sure of myself when I was anything but. It was only the illusion that would matter today. Most of the students left in a flourish while Bella followed behind the crowd dragging her feet, seemingly lost in thought. I cleared my throat discreetly, trying to keep my grin subdued when she looked up at me surprised and slipped, letting her smile betray her for a moment before smoothing out her expression.
“Hello Edward,” she greeted me coolly. “Out trolling the halls for the catch of the day?”
“Seafood analogies?” I teased. “Really Bella, even you can do better than that…unless you’re saying…do you have a thing for fish Bella?”
“Huh?” She rolled her eyes and shook her head and began to walk away from me.
I stayed put, again trying to appear relaxed and confident, testing her again. “I came for you Bella. I thought we could eat lunch together today.” She stopped dead in her tracks but did not turn around. It was a half success - enough to get her to stop but not enough to get her to come back to me.
“You want to eat lunch with me?” she asked, surprised again. “Wouldn’t that make you a fish out of water?” The giggle that followed was like music to my ears.
“I suppose one could say that, yes. So what do you say to lunch? Would you rather fish or cut bait?” She snorted at my silly use of the idiom. “Perhaps you have other fish to fry?”
“Enough with the fish sayings Cullen,” she groaned, covering her ears as if my silly jokes were painful to her. Her light-heartedness made me so joyful I couldn’t stop myself.
“Neither fish nor fowl…fish in troubled waters…drink like a fish?” I could barely keep myself from bursting into laughter as I relayed every fish related idiom I could think of. She swatted me playfully and I grinned wider.
“Sure I’ll eat lunch with you. Just imagine the gossip we’ll create,” she offered sarcastically.
“Does the staring bother you?” I wondered.
“Most of the time…no…but once in a while I’d like to crack a few heads, sure.” I had no doubt she’d do just that if pushed far enough.
“You get used to it after a while…you just stop noticing,” I offered offhandedly. “At least that’s how it was for me. Hanging around with me is probably going to make the staring worse for a while.” I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to admit that out loud to her, knowing she didn’t like attention.
“That will be the fucking day that I let anybody tell me who I can hang out with. Fuck them!” I found myself smiling at her reaction, so backwards to what I expected. So Bella. I thought my words might make her rethink her choice to sit with me and instead they seemed to make her more determined.
“Well we can eat outside if you like, or in my car if you’d prefer.” I wanted her to know that she didn’t have to face down the whole cafeteria crowd for my benefit.
“It’s fine, honestly.” Her deep brown eyes pierced mine with their soothing gaze. Somehow she was comforting me rather than the other way around.
I found us a table off to one side while Bella bought her food. I could hear my siblings voicing their incomplete opinions on my behaviour. Only Alice seemed pleasantly surprised. I hadn’t thought about their disapproval, but I pushed their voices out of my head. I would not let them ruin my first lunch with Bella.
“Don’t you eat?” she wondered, dropping her tray on to the table.
“I had a big breakfast,” I lied, hating to do so.
“Won’t you be fucking starving by the end of the day?”
“Not really. I usually run after school. It’s hard to have endurance if you’re stuffed full of pizza,” I joked lightly, since I had no point of reference.
“Oh I see,” she nodded, turning her attention to her tray.
“How was your morning?”
“Alright. Yours?”
“Tedious.”
“Ahhh,” she acknowledged with a nod, opening her can of pop with a sharp snap. I slipped, smiling at Mike’s mental hissy fit and Bella caught me. “What are you smiling about?”
“May I ask you something?” I inquired, emboldened by her acceptance of my lunch invitation and my obvious advantage over Mike’s with respect to her attention and preference. She nodded and waited for me to continue. “It’s really none of my business,” I admitted quietly although inwardly I felt differently, “but Mike is shooting daggers at me from your regular lunch table. Is he…I’ve heard him speak of you and he obviously likes you…are you…” I trailed off hoping she would see where my question was leading.
“Absolutely not!” she declared emphatically, shooting a glare over her shoulder in his general direction. “He’s such a fucking tool. I have done everything but tell him to fuck off and he still won’t get a clue. Why? What did he say?”
I smiled at her unequivocal corroboration of her lack of feelings for him. “Just that he wants to ask you out…that he likes you.” It wasn’t a lie, even if he’d only thought it. Either way I’d still heard him.
“Let him come for me. I’ll set the motherfucker straight.”
“Really?” I smirked, unable to help myself as I waved him over with a flick of my index finger. Mike accepted my invitation with a glare, getting up and coming over to our table.
“What the hell do you want Cullen?” he snapped balefully, clearly irritated by my association with Bella. His eyes shot between Bella and me and his mind flooded with repine that I was with the girl whom he considered to be his. This was going to be way too easy to enjoy.
“Just helping a guy out,” I stated satirically. Of course I was referring to myself, but neither Bella nor Mike knew that, and it only made the situation all the more pleasurable for me. He glared angrily at me and I bit back a laugh. “Word is that you were planning on asking Bella out.”
“Who told you that?” he demanded, sneaking a sideways glance at Bella trying to decide if she was open to the idea while trying to keep from becoming even more embarrassed. Bella sat with her arms crossed over her chest, her chin jutted out defensively. She was not at all happy with his behaviour.
“Really Mike, this is a valuable opportunity. I’m giving you privacy to speak with her. Well, relative privacy,” I chuckled, “but certainly more than you’d have at your regular table or say…history class.” The colour completely drained from his face at my words. I didn’t feel as if I’d given anything away since I wasn’t even in that class with him, more that I’d made it look like there was someone he couldn’t trust in that particular class.
“You’re a prick, you know that Cullen?” He was wondering about fighting me, thinking of logistics, the when, the where, the best way to attack me, smugly sure that it would make him look more appealing to Bella. I highly doubted that.
I nodded. “I’ve been told that…by Bella in fact.” I chuckled again, unable and unwilling to wipe the smirk from my face.
“Yep,” Bella concurred with a laugh. “I’ve called Edward a prick a number of times, but… um…what’s this about wanting to ask me out?” she pressed. My body shifted towards hers infinitesimally, readying to protect her if she needed my help, which I knew she would not.
Mike turned his back to me, trying to make it look like he wanted privacy. What he really wanted was to block Bella from looking at me and I covered my mouth to muffle my laugh at his mental irritation.
“Well I didn’t want it to be like this…I feel kind of pressured,” he mumbled, shooting a pointed glance over his shoulder.
“Bella, would you feel more comfortable if I stepped away so you and Mike could have some privacy?” I would be able to hear every word spoken and every thought Mike had, as well as gauge Bella’s reaction from Mike’s vantage point. My lack of proximity would not prevent me from monitoring the entire conversation.
“Thanks Edward, but there isn’t anything that Mike could say that he couldn’t say in front of you.” I smiled smugly, too pleased to even listen to Mike’s horror.
“No, it’s fine. I…I,” Mike stammered, trying to appear collected. His mind was a wreck. “I was wondering if you had plans for Friday night?”
“Why Mike?” Bella pressed.
“Well if you’re free I thought maybe we could do something…together.”
“As it happens Mike, I actually do have plans on Friday but let’s just be straight with each other. I’m not interested in you. At all. And that’s being polite. You seriously don’t want to hear what I’d actually like to say to you on the subject of the two of us dating. Suffice it to say that there would be enough fucks and sundry superlative slang that your ears would burn for a week.”
“Why Bella?” Mike complained. “Is there someone else in the picture?” His mind centered on me and I was happy that he saw me as competition. I would be more than a fearsome competitor. I wouldn’t rest until I was the victor. He couldn’t fathom a reason to explain why she wouldn’t like him and was still resisting the idea that she did not care for him at all. He really was a tool, just like Bella had said.
“That’s none of your business Mike, and completely fucking irrelevant to the conversation. You asked me out. I’m saying no. I’m saying I’m not the least bit interested in you in any imaginable way. There is no chance. Zero. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Are you hearing me Mike?” There was a hint of petulance in her voice, I was guessing because she knew that even though she spoke in plain English and left no room for doubt that Mike would not accept her words at face value. She was exactly correct. The irrational boy was still assuming Bella was playing hard to get.
“Maybe we could talk about it some other time…when there is more privacy,” he mumbled, shifting his weight to his other foot.
“There will never be enough privacy to make me say yes Mike. Never.”
“Ok,” he said resignedly. “Some other time then.” He walked away pondering how he would change her mind. Her words truly meant nothing to him. I liked the idea of shoving our date in his face to get him to see reality. If nothing else it might get him to see that she was capable of saying yes and provide me an opportunity to be smug with him as retribution for his eavesdropping in biology class, not to mention the fact that I longed to knock him down a peg, or twenty.
“Wow,” Bella huffed, rolling her eyes and blushing lightly.
“I think you’re too kind,” I noted thoughtfully.
“Too kind?” she asked, confused by my choice of words.
“Tool is a compliment compared to what he actually is. I’m sorry that he doesn’t get it. I admit that I thought you might be exaggerating when you said you’d told him that you didn’t like him in every way you could think of but you really have. He just refuses to acknowledge your words.”
She laughed, a melodious giggle that filled my ears with happiness. “Thank you for that. It was rather enjoyable.”
“My pleasure,” I admitted, and it was. I now knew without a doubt that Bella had no feelings for him. Now if only getting her to admit her feelings for me were that easy.
A/N: I know that was sort of a craptastic place to cut the chapter but Edward was just going to go on talking so I had to cut him off somewhere. Forgive Edward and show him you still love him by leaving some love by way of a review. He loves reviews. He told me so!