Out of Choices - Chapter 16
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 16: Questions (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,178
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
NOTE:Thank you to everyone who left a review on the last chapter. It was wonderful to get such an enthusiastic response.
Sorry for the delay in updates. I’ve been struggling with some writer’s block.
I got a couple of questions regarding the nature of Edward’s reaction to Bella in the last chapter. This story focuses on Bella and Edward’s chemistry and in particular their sexual chemistry. As the story progresses the characters will become less and less like those in Twilight. Then again, it depends on your perspective. I think their sexual chemistry was downplayed to a certain degree because of the age the book was geared at. I want to explore the chemistry and focus on it rather than downplay it, so depending on your take Bella and Edward may seem in character or out of character. I just wanted to clarify in case I’d given the wrong idea that I was sticking to the very canon forms of B&E.
From Edward's POV...
16.Questions
I watched her walk away from me, trying to catch my breath and fighting the urge to grab her and pull her back to me. I wasn’t even sure what had just happened or what I’d done right. I only knew that I hadn’t had enough of her.
Had I finally found a way to get through to her, by teasing her with sexual innuendo of all things? It seemed so improbable that something so primitive and rudimentary, something so fundamentally intrinsic to the human condition would be the thing to get through her stubbornness. And what did that say about her feelings for me? Did that mean anyone could use that route to get to her or was it the combination of sexual innuendo from me that was the key?
Her reaction to my teasing was completely unexpected. Instead of trying to irritate her for the sake of annoyance, as had once been my goal, I was trying to embarrass her, hoping to make her blush and knock her off her game. It was my ambition to keep her from feeling centered anticipating that it might make it easier to get around those damn walls of hers and get into her head. Bella as always was trying to keep me out but in trying she was only keeping me talking and that was fine with me. Mr. Banner had provided the subject matter. It was merely coincidence that I recalled making a joke to her about sexual reproduction during the meiosis lecture that had caused her to blush. When I couldn’t come up with a subject on my own I used the subject matter at hand to speak to her.
As soon as I got close to her I could feel her pull. It was almost impossible to explain to someone the effect she had on me. The closer I got to her person, the closer I needed to be, like a craving but stronger, almost a compulsion. I’d only intended to whisper in her ear but as soon as I moved towards her I’d felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her. I hesitated at her ear, fighting the urge and forcing myself to pull back. It was nearly impossible. She was like a drug. One hit and I was permanently addicted. Even though Bella and I were only in the very early stages of development, I was starting to understand just how powerful and profound the bonds of physical love could be.
Mr. Banner really deserved some sort of reward for his assistance in my experiment. In choosing Bella and I as props he gave me the opportunity to be close to her, to touch her and to observe her reactions to me. I didn’t even have to speak to her, just be near her and watch. When he first grabbed my elbow I almost laughed at him and considered planting my feet so he wouldn’t be able to move me, but then I caught the tenor of his thoughts and understood that it would be to my benefit to let him use me as a pawn in his discussion. Bella wasn’t expecting Mr. Banner’s actions and was taken off balance, tripping and falling into my side when he pushed her. Her warmth against my body was like a healing touch, finally soothing the pull for a short moment.
I carefully followed Mr. Banner’s intentions through his thoughts, feeling unsatisfied when he stepped between Bella and I again. I allowed it because I could see where he was leading. I inwardly laughed when he referred to her as innocuous. While I understood that he meant ‘harmless’ in reference to the genetic state he was lecturing on, Bella could hardly be considered innocuous. She was extremely interesting, stimulating, and significant, at least to me.
I watched her carefully. She seemed to be trying very hard to stay angry with me, or pretending she was angry but it just felt off, false somehow. When Mr. Banner turned us toward one another I was staring at her quite intensely, willing her to look up at me. She wouldn’t and I found it very frustrating. My emotions were all over the place. I began to feel angry with Mr. Banner for thinking about shoving her but again my reaction to his thoughts was premature. I let it sour my mood for a moment before Bella stumbled because of it and I was able to reach out to catch her. Just to feel her between my fingertips again was exhilarating, to know that it was me that had kept her from falling. My spirit was soaring.
I tried to understand the expression on her face but was unable to pinpoint its meaning. Once again Mr. Banner played his game of push and pull but this time she came back to me blushing. I heard her heart beat stutter and accelerate. She looked so beautiful with her ruby cheeks but I did not understand the reason behind them.
I was afraid she would catch me staring again so I said nothing to her until we took our seats. Had it been the contact with me that spurred the blush or just the general embarrassment of being on display in the front of the class? Her blush had faded and I was dying to test my theory. I searched my mind desperately for something to engage her with besides the small talk of Mr. Banner’s demonstration. I longed to touch her again, uncomfortable with the nagging pull from her direction. My thoughts tumbled together, the need to touch her, the desire to understand the reasons behind her blush and my hope to embarrass her to keep her off-centered and suddenly what I needed and wanted became one in the same. I leaned over to whisper to her, purposefully invading her personal space so that I would become a physical presence that she could not ignore. I nudged her ear softly with my nose as I whispered and was rewarded with a blush. I smiled triumphantly, ecstatic that I was able to elicit some positive reaction in her.
I was busy trying to come up with another thing to say to Bella to test the theory again, just to be absolutely sure, and Bella caught me deep in introspection. I suppose in hindsight I should have predicted that Bella would do just what she did because Bella was not one to stay reticent. What I could not have predicted was the potency of her efforts or their effect on me.
Bella turned the tables on me quite thoroughly and gave me a taste of my own medicine. She leaned into my body and sighed softly and effeminately, her warm breath hitting my ear in the most pleasurable way. I froze, suddenly unsure of the proper reaction. I didn’t want to react the wrong way and discourage her, wholly willing to be part of her game. Her whisper challenged my deepest fantasies, unearthing desires that I thought myself incapable of having, and my breath caught in my throat in response. I fought against my desires and willed my control to stay in place while I stayed completely still. And in my stillness she either decided to continue or to try something further because she pulled away but then moved even closer. The heat from her skin was radiating warmth throughout my entire body. She skilfully moved her lips across my ear like the breeze from a butterfly’s wing. It was the sexiest sensation I had ever felt and it amplified the pull from her tenfold. Against my ear, her lips vibrated with the sweetest truth ever spoken. One kiss was not enough. A million kisses would never be enough. My desire for this girl was unquenchable.
After she pulled away from me and I collected myself, I looked over at her and she was smug. Her teasing or my reaction to it had caused her to feel pleasure and pride and I felt a thrill that no kill or victory had ever delivered. Suddenly I was consumed with the need to retribute her behaviour and a desire to provoke her intense reaction one more time. I leaned in to imitate her behaviour, to absorb all free space around her body without touching her, to breathe her in and feel her warmth on my skin and get lost in her. When she closed her eyes it was like salvation. There were no more doubts about whether Bella had feelings for me or not. I murmured the only truth strong enough to answer her words and called her on her desire to kiss me. Watching her reaction was all the proof I’d ever need. Her smile reflected joy, her expression, calm and delight. She cared for me, without a doubt.
I couldn’t resist another shot at testing my theory, to poke at the edges of it to evaluate its strength. I slipped out of class and hid by her locker, watching and waiting. Like the other morning she appeared to be distracted but unlike the day before she was unreserved and almost giddy. When she passed me I laughed lightly, overjoyed with our interactions and her happiness. Her eyes quickly found me in the shadows. I feared her anger. Had I gone too far? Would she shut down on me again?
I was completely unprepared for her reaction.
There was no hesitation in her step, no indecision in her actions. She walked straight for me and pushed my body backwards into the wall. I did not understand where her actions came from but I did not care. I understood their intensity and that was enough. One tiny hand fisted my shirt and the other slid around my neck, warm and satiny and so incredibly sure. She pressed her lips into mine with such fervour it nearly knocked me backwards. I guess she knew what she was doing by pushing me back into the wall of the alcove first.
As if her lips on mine weren’t enough, or her hand around my neck wasn’t already more than I could handle, she pressed her body into mine and removed every bit of space that separated us. Her tongue sought entrance into my mouth and I revelled in the sweetness of her taste once again. For the second time that day my most carnal desires surfaced. I wound my hands around her waist and just let her affection take me under. She pressed and twirled and caressed my tongue thoroughly until we were both little more than panting breaths and heaving chests and intense questioning eyes. She just smiled at me and licked her lips and walked away.
How could she walk away? Could she not feel what I was feeling? Was she able to dismiss what I could not? Was she not stuck in our bizarrely tangled connection the same way I was?
Did she understand that she had become my lifeline?
I had to know.
I could still smell her all around me, taste her on my lips and sense her warmth on my skin. I don’t even remember the walk to Spanish. She was my only focus. Even Emmett couldn’t rouse me from my thoughts with his mental vociferating.
‘You’ve lost it man. What is up with you? You’re acting like you crazy person lately.’
If I told him it was love would he understand? Could he understand the bounds of what existed between Bella and me when even I was only beginning to deduce the depth and intricacies of the connection?
‘You look zoned Edward. Pull it together. You’re going to make the family look bad if you don’t watch your step.’
I tried to tune him out. There had to be something I could do to gain a better understanding of what Bella was feeling, something immediate and adroit. I was a resourceful man. It had to be explicit, something that would show her my perception, something that would fully express my understanding and leave nothing merely implied.
‘Seriously, dude, are you actually in there or did someone suck out your insides and render you an idiot?’
I shot Emmett a smirk. Bella may very well have done that to me with her last kiss. And then I realized that I had to return that kiss. I had to show her I was capable of the same unreserved feeling and impulsive passion, and it couldn’t wait. I had to do it today, now, or risk losing the gains of the day. If I’d learned anything about Bella it was that her moods were ever-changing, just as mine were. I couldn’t give her the chance to change her mind or regret her actions. I had to capitalize on her current state of infatuation. Was that even a fair characterization of the feelings? I had to push the labels aside and analyze in black and white. Her reactions today had been positive towards me. I wanted more positive. That was as simple as I could put it. Of course nothing about my feelings for Bella was simple. But I wanted more positive, so more positive was what I went seeking.
I gathered my books in a flurry at the bell and tossed my keys at Emmett with no explanation. Alice would see what I was planning. She could fill in the blanks of his simple mind if he cared enough to ask her for an explanation. I didn’t have the time to explain right now.
There wasn’t enough time to catch her on her way out of the gym, not at a human pace anyway, and there were far too many witnesses to move at a speed more to my liking. I debated going to wait by her truck. It felt too obvious though, too public, and something told me that if I cornered her in the parking lot that she would reject me on the grounds of conspicuousness rather than risk exposure. I was not willing to chance a rebuff today. It had to be something more low profile. I eyed the supply room as I passed it. It was private with a lockable door, and Bella would have to walk directly by it on her way to her truck. I forced the door open as quietly as I could manage and waited silently for her.
The majority of Bella’s classmates exited the dressing rooms before Bella and my impatience grew, the tugging almost as uncomfortable as the anticipation was enthralling. I heard her soft footsteps first, followed by a burst of her flowery scent. She seemed to be walking so slowly. I chanced a peek around the corner and found her, still wearing the same grin she’d worn when she walked away from me. A surge of emotion overwhelmed me. Was she still as captivated by our kiss as I was?
I waited for her to pass by the door almost completely before I pushed it open a crack and reached for her, encircling my fingers around her wrist and lightly tugging her towards me. I had surprised her, frightened her, and her body went rigid and assumed a defensive stance.
“Get your fucking hands off of me,” she growled. There was a light in her eye that I didn’t recognize, a warning of some sort. I let go of her wrist and withdrew my hand immediately, staring intensely back at her. My stance was fixed but tentative, unsure of what her next move might be.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” she snarled angrily.
I stepped towards her cautiously. I had crossed some imaginary line with Bella that I did not understand. I could not back down, but it completely changed the way I intended to touch her.
She eyed me warily but held my gaze wordlessly. I took another step towards her and she backed away, eyes still stuck and angry. Another step. Again she backed away. She had only one more step she could take before she would back into the shelving unit. I was worried she would stumble or topple the shelf somehow and hurt herself. I moved my hand between her and the shelf and took another step. She avoided my hand by turning her body as I had predicted. The obstacle of the shelf was no longer in play, only one long empty wall that I would push her up against if I had my way. I stepped at her, matching each step she took to back away until there was no more room, just the wall and her body pressed tightly up against it and one last step for me to take. I held my ground searching her eyes, willing her a choice to leave if she wished. As much as I wanted this, it had to be her choice for me to touch her, always her choice. She did not move and I watched as her deep brown eyes softened and the anger disintegrated. Could she sense that I would not hurt her? Did she know that I only wanted to love her?
I raised my hands to her cheeks and softly cupped them, afraid that she might flinch away. To my great relief, she didn’t. My thumb moved gently along her cheekbone softly caressing her silky skin, her eyes still holding mine. I took that last step towards her body, letting her warmth crash over me like a tidal wave. She shuddered between my palms. The pull I felt from her was domineering and unbroken, so difficult to control my actions against. I had already scared her once and would not do it again.
I inclined my head towards hers slowly, measuredly, my eyes still locked on hers. I was close enough to feel her breath against my face. I tried to resist her a little longer, to internalize the tension and need that electrified the air between us, but her irresistible pull kept me moving towards hers. I brushed a soft kiss against her waiting mouth, still caught up in her eyes as the delicate pressure of her lips radiated through me. Her intense gaze only piqued my need. My tongue came out to lightly trace the edges of her lips. The sensation was divine. I took her top lip between mine and kissed it softly and repeated the action with her bottom lip. Still her eyes did not close, calling to me, holding mine in some silent colloquy. An invitation? A secret? A desire? I could not distinguish the words they whispered but that didn’t stop me from trying.
I covered her face in soft kisses - her cheekbones, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her forehead, her jawbone. Not hard kisses but gentle unassuming kisses, the opposite end of the spectrum of my carnal desire to possess her. I wanted her to feel my love, not the passion that burned within me but the protective and caring love and I felt for her. I had no way to know if she’d want to know my love but I showed it to her anyway because it’s what my instincts told me she needed - not some man to possess her but one that knew how to take care of her. Was I that man?
I pulled back slightly, allowing my thumb to rub her bottom lip and elicited a sharp intake of breath from her. Her eyes fluttered shut. I was sure she had no idea how sexy she was between my hands. I pressed my body into hers, languishing the feel of her soft fragile body against my own and laid my lips on her mouth, waiting for them to react to my touch. It was like a button had been pressed and her spirit awoke. She kissed me back fervently, ardently, filling my senses with every bit of her touch and taste and sound and smell. I was in heaven.
I dropped my hands from her cheeks and pulled her small frame into my body, tightly, snugly, conforming her gentle curves into the angles and ridges of my form. She did not fight me, moaning softly into my mouth in appreciation of our closeness and giving me more of herself by pressing her lips harder into my kiss. Her arms curled around my neck and held me to her.
My mind was already a million miles ahead of my body, wanting more from her than I had the right to ask for, pondering what her skin would feel like against mine and justifying a way to touch her so that I might get my wish. I tried to refocus my thoughts in the moment but the pull was never far from my mind, nagging at me. Bella wasn’t helping matters, tangling her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck and tugging a tiny bit every time she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I couldn’t ascertain whether I was unable to fight her or if it was merely that I did not wish to fight her, and it didn’t really matter; I was there in her arms for as long as she’d hold me.
She pulled back from my lips for a moment and then took my bottom lip between her teeth and raked them over my flesh. A very ungentlemanly growl rumbled from my chest and she smiled against my mouth for a moment before repeating her amorous torture on my top lip. Every molecule of energy in my body refocused on the sensation for a moment. The simple action of her teeth on my lips was my ruin, arousing me so fully that I had to adjust the way my body was pressed into hers before I appeared impertinent and brash. I think Bella thought I was trying to pull away from her kiss and came back at me, planting several small wet kisses against my lips before pulling back fully.
As we fought to regain our composure, to catch our breath and come back down to Earth, I searched her eyes again. I could only find happiness. Could she see the happiness in mine?
“I have to go,” she whispered matter-of-factly. I tried to mask my disappointment. I wasn’t ready to let her go.
“Why?” I questioned sullenly.
“Shit to do,” she offered with an indifferent shrug.
“But Bella…” I needed her to know what I was feeling. I needed to know what she was thinking and feeling. I wanted to explain everything but when I started to explain she cut me off.
“No, it’s fine…really. You don’t need to say anything.”
“What if I want to say something? Don’t you think there are some things we need to talk about?”
“Nope, I’m good. See you tomorrow.” She started to walk out, hesitating briefly by the door with a quick look over her shoulder.
I didn’t know what to think or what to do. I started after her. I couldn’t let her walk away with so many things unsaid.
“Bella, wait. We need to talk.”
She just walked faster, determined to get out of there without talking to me.
“Bella, please!”
She did not acknowledge me.
Her reaction didn’t make sense to me. I waded through our words and actions to find the key to understanding her withdrawal and there was nothing. It was as if she had decided that she’d had enough and was satisfied. How could that be when I still felt completely unsatiated? I didn’t think I could ever get enough of her given my feelings for her, and that was where my error lay, in assuming that she had those same feelings for me or something analogous. I had seen what I wanted to see, assigned feelings to her that did not exist based on my own desires and feelings.
This was only a game to her, a power play...nothing more, nothing less. I meant nothing to her. As I watched her slowly moving farther away from me my dreams began to crumble. I could feel the darkness descending. I’d never felt so hollow.
Chapter 16: Questions (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,178
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
NOTE:Thank you to everyone who left a review on the last chapter. It was wonderful to get such an enthusiastic response.
Sorry for the delay in updates. I’ve been struggling with some writer’s block.
I got a couple of questions regarding the nature of Edward’s reaction to Bella in the last chapter. This story focuses on Bella and Edward’s chemistry and in particular their sexual chemistry. As the story progresses the characters will become less and less like those in Twilight. Then again, it depends on your perspective. I think their sexual chemistry was downplayed to a certain degree because of the age the book was geared at. I want to explore the chemistry and focus on it rather than downplay it, so depending on your take Bella and Edward may seem in character or out of character. I just wanted to clarify in case I’d given the wrong idea that I was sticking to the very canon forms of B&E.
From Edward's POV...
16.Questions
I watched her walk away from me, trying to catch my breath and fighting the urge to grab her and pull her back to me. I wasn’t even sure what had just happened or what I’d done right. I only knew that I hadn’t had enough of her.
Had I finally found a way to get through to her, by teasing her with sexual innuendo of all things? It seemed so improbable that something so primitive and rudimentary, something so fundamentally intrinsic to the human condition would be the thing to get through her stubbornness. And what did that say about her feelings for me? Did that mean anyone could use that route to get to her or was it the combination of sexual innuendo from me that was the key?
Her reaction to my teasing was completely unexpected. Instead of trying to irritate her for the sake of annoyance, as had once been my goal, I was trying to embarrass her, hoping to make her blush and knock her off her game. It was my ambition to keep her from feeling centered anticipating that it might make it easier to get around those damn walls of hers and get into her head. Bella as always was trying to keep me out but in trying she was only keeping me talking and that was fine with me. Mr. Banner had provided the subject matter. It was merely coincidence that I recalled making a joke to her about sexual reproduction during the meiosis lecture that had caused her to blush. When I couldn’t come up with a subject on my own I used the subject matter at hand to speak to her.
As soon as I got close to her I could feel her pull. It was almost impossible to explain to someone the effect she had on me. The closer I got to her person, the closer I needed to be, like a craving but stronger, almost a compulsion. I’d only intended to whisper in her ear but as soon as I moved towards her I’d felt the overwhelming urge to kiss her. I hesitated at her ear, fighting the urge and forcing myself to pull back. It was nearly impossible. She was like a drug. One hit and I was permanently addicted. Even though Bella and I were only in the very early stages of development, I was starting to understand just how powerful and profound the bonds of physical love could be.
Mr. Banner really deserved some sort of reward for his assistance in my experiment. In choosing Bella and I as props he gave me the opportunity to be close to her, to touch her and to observe her reactions to me. I didn’t even have to speak to her, just be near her and watch. When he first grabbed my elbow I almost laughed at him and considered planting my feet so he wouldn’t be able to move me, but then I caught the tenor of his thoughts and understood that it would be to my benefit to let him use me as a pawn in his discussion. Bella wasn’t expecting Mr. Banner’s actions and was taken off balance, tripping and falling into my side when he pushed her. Her warmth against my body was like a healing touch, finally soothing the pull for a short moment.
I carefully followed Mr. Banner’s intentions through his thoughts, feeling unsatisfied when he stepped between Bella and I again. I allowed it because I could see where he was leading. I inwardly laughed when he referred to her as innocuous. While I understood that he meant ‘harmless’ in reference to the genetic state he was lecturing on, Bella could hardly be considered innocuous. She was extremely interesting, stimulating, and significant, at least to me.
I watched her carefully. She seemed to be trying very hard to stay angry with me, or pretending she was angry but it just felt off, false somehow. When Mr. Banner turned us toward one another I was staring at her quite intensely, willing her to look up at me. She wouldn’t and I found it very frustrating. My emotions were all over the place. I began to feel angry with Mr. Banner for thinking about shoving her but again my reaction to his thoughts was premature. I let it sour my mood for a moment before Bella stumbled because of it and I was able to reach out to catch her. Just to feel her between my fingertips again was exhilarating, to know that it was me that had kept her from falling. My spirit was soaring.
I tried to understand the expression on her face but was unable to pinpoint its meaning. Once again Mr. Banner played his game of push and pull but this time she came back to me blushing. I heard her heart beat stutter and accelerate. She looked so beautiful with her ruby cheeks but I did not understand the reason behind them.
I was afraid she would catch me staring again so I said nothing to her until we took our seats. Had it been the contact with me that spurred the blush or just the general embarrassment of being on display in the front of the class? Her blush had faded and I was dying to test my theory. I searched my mind desperately for something to engage her with besides the small talk of Mr. Banner’s demonstration. I longed to touch her again, uncomfortable with the nagging pull from her direction. My thoughts tumbled together, the need to touch her, the desire to understand the reasons behind her blush and my hope to embarrass her to keep her off-centered and suddenly what I needed and wanted became one in the same. I leaned over to whisper to her, purposefully invading her personal space so that I would become a physical presence that she could not ignore. I nudged her ear softly with my nose as I whispered and was rewarded with a blush. I smiled triumphantly, ecstatic that I was able to elicit some positive reaction in her.
I was busy trying to come up with another thing to say to Bella to test the theory again, just to be absolutely sure, and Bella caught me deep in introspection. I suppose in hindsight I should have predicted that Bella would do just what she did because Bella was not one to stay reticent. What I could not have predicted was the potency of her efforts or their effect on me.
Bella turned the tables on me quite thoroughly and gave me a taste of my own medicine. She leaned into my body and sighed softly and effeminately, her warm breath hitting my ear in the most pleasurable way. I froze, suddenly unsure of the proper reaction. I didn’t want to react the wrong way and discourage her, wholly willing to be part of her game. Her whisper challenged my deepest fantasies, unearthing desires that I thought myself incapable of having, and my breath caught in my throat in response. I fought against my desires and willed my control to stay in place while I stayed completely still. And in my stillness she either decided to continue or to try something further because she pulled away but then moved even closer. The heat from her skin was radiating warmth throughout my entire body. She skilfully moved her lips across my ear like the breeze from a butterfly’s wing. It was the sexiest sensation I had ever felt and it amplified the pull from her tenfold. Against my ear, her lips vibrated with the sweetest truth ever spoken. One kiss was not enough. A million kisses would never be enough. My desire for this girl was unquenchable.
After she pulled away from me and I collected myself, I looked over at her and she was smug. Her teasing or my reaction to it had caused her to feel pleasure and pride and I felt a thrill that no kill or victory had ever delivered. Suddenly I was consumed with the need to retribute her behaviour and a desire to provoke her intense reaction one more time. I leaned in to imitate her behaviour, to absorb all free space around her body without touching her, to breathe her in and feel her warmth on my skin and get lost in her. When she closed her eyes it was like salvation. There were no more doubts about whether Bella had feelings for me or not. I murmured the only truth strong enough to answer her words and called her on her desire to kiss me. Watching her reaction was all the proof I’d ever need. Her smile reflected joy, her expression, calm and delight. She cared for me, without a doubt.
I couldn’t resist another shot at testing my theory, to poke at the edges of it to evaluate its strength. I slipped out of class and hid by her locker, watching and waiting. Like the other morning she appeared to be distracted but unlike the day before she was unreserved and almost giddy. When she passed me I laughed lightly, overjoyed with our interactions and her happiness. Her eyes quickly found me in the shadows. I feared her anger. Had I gone too far? Would she shut down on me again?
I was completely unprepared for her reaction.
There was no hesitation in her step, no indecision in her actions. She walked straight for me and pushed my body backwards into the wall. I did not understand where her actions came from but I did not care. I understood their intensity and that was enough. One tiny hand fisted my shirt and the other slid around my neck, warm and satiny and so incredibly sure. She pressed her lips into mine with such fervour it nearly knocked me backwards. I guess she knew what she was doing by pushing me back into the wall of the alcove first.
As if her lips on mine weren’t enough, or her hand around my neck wasn’t already more than I could handle, she pressed her body into mine and removed every bit of space that separated us. Her tongue sought entrance into my mouth and I revelled in the sweetness of her taste once again. For the second time that day my most carnal desires surfaced. I wound my hands around her waist and just let her affection take me under. She pressed and twirled and caressed my tongue thoroughly until we were both little more than panting breaths and heaving chests and intense questioning eyes. She just smiled at me and licked her lips and walked away.
How could she walk away? Could she not feel what I was feeling? Was she able to dismiss what I could not? Was she not stuck in our bizarrely tangled connection the same way I was?
Did she understand that she had become my lifeline?
I had to know.
I could still smell her all around me, taste her on my lips and sense her warmth on my skin. I don’t even remember the walk to Spanish. She was my only focus. Even Emmett couldn’t rouse me from my thoughts with his mental vociferating.
‘You’ve lost it man. What is up with you? You’re acting like you crazy person lately.’
If I told him it was love would he understand? Could he understand the bounds of what existed between Bella and me when even I was only beginning to deduce the depth and intricacies of the connection?
‘You look zoned Edward. Pull it together. You’re going to make the family look bad if you don’t watch your step.’
I tried to tune him out. There had to be something I could do to gain a better understanding of what Bella was feeling, something immediate and adroit. I was a resourceful man. It had to be explicit, something that would show her my perception, something that would fully express my understanding and leave nothing merely implied.
‘Seriously, dude, are you actually in there or did someone suck out your insides and render you an idiot?’
I shot Emmett a smirk. Bella may very well have done that to me with her last kiss. And then I realized that I had to return that kiss. I had to show her I was capable of the same unreserved feeling and impulsive passion, and it couldn’t wait. I had to do it today, now, or risk losing the gains of the day. If I’d learned anything about Bella it was that her moods were ever-changing, just as mine were. I couldn’t give her the chance to change her mind or regret her actions. I had to capitalize on her current state of infatuation. Was that even a fair characterization of the feelings? I had to push the labels aside and analyze in black and white. Her reactions today had been positive towards me. I wanted more positive. That was as simple as I could put it. Of course nothing about my feelings for Bella was simple. But I wanted more positive, so more positive was what I went seeking.
I gathered my books in a flurry at the bell and tossed my keys at Emmett with no explanation. Alice would see what I was planning. She could fill in the blanks of his simple mind if he cared enough to ask her for an explanation. I didn’t have the time to explain right now.
There wasn’t enough time to catch her on her way out of the gym, not at a human pace anyway, and there were far too many witnesses to move at a speed more to my liking. I debated going to wait by her truck. It felt too obvious though, too public, and something told me that if I cornered her in the parking lot that she would reject me on the grounds of conspicuousness rather than risk exposure. I was not willing to chance a rebuff today. It had to be something more low profile. I eyed the supply room as I passed it. It was private with a lockable door, and Bella would have to walk directly by it on her way to her truck. I forced the door open as quietly as I could manage and waited silently for her.
The majority of Bella’s classmates exited the dressing rooms before Bella and my impatience grew, the tugging almost as uncomfortable as the anticipation was enthralling. I heard her soft footsteps first, followed by a burst of her flowery scent. She seemed to be walking so slowly. I chanced a peek around the corner and found her, still wearing the same grin she’d worn when she walked away from me. A surge of emotion overwhelmed me. Was she still as captivated by our kiss as I was?
I waited for her to pass by the door almost completely before I pushed it open a crack and reached for her, encircling my fingers around her wrist and lightly tugging her towards me. I had surprised her, frightened her, and her body went rigid and assumed a defensive stance.
“Get your fucking hands off of me,” she growled. There was a light in her eye that I didn’t recognize, a warning of some sort. I let go of her wrist and withdrew my hand immediately, staring intensely back at her. My stance was fixed but tentative, unsure of what her next move might be.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” she snarled angrily.
I stepped towards her cautiously. I had crossed some imaginary line with Bella that I did not understand. I could not back down, but it completely changed the way I intended to touch her.
She eyed me warily but held my gaze wordlessly. I took another step towards her and she backed away, eyes still stuck and angry. Another step. Again she backed away. She had only one more step she could take before she would back into the shelving unit. I was worried she would stumble or topple the shelf somehow and hurt herself. I moved my hand between her and the shelf and took another step. She avoided my hand by turning her body as I had predicted. The obstacle of the shelf was no longer in play, only one long empty wall that I would push her up against if I had my way. I stepped at her, matching each step she took to back away until there was no more room, just the wall and her body pressed tightly up against it and one last step for me to take. I held my ground searching her eyes, willing her a choice to leave if she wished. As much as I wanted this, it had to be her choice for me to touch her, always her choice. She did not move and I watched as her deep brown eyes softened and the anger disintegrated. Could she sense that I would not hurt her? Did she know that I only wanted to love her?
I raised my hands to her cheeks and softly cupped them, afraid that she might flinch away. To my great relief, she didn’t. My thumb moved gently along her cheekbone softly caressing her silky skin, her eyes still holding mine. I took that last step towards her body, letting her warmth crash over me like a tidal wave. She shuddered between my palms. The pull I felt from her was domineering and unbroken, so difficult to control my actions against. I had already scared her once and would not do it again.
I inclined my head towards hers slowly, measuredly, my eyes still locked on hers. I was close enough to feel her breath against my face. I tried to resist her a little longer, to internalize the tension and need that electrified the air between us, but her irresistible pull kept me moving towards hers. I brushed a soft kiss against her waiting mouth, still caught up in her eyes as the delicate pressure of her lips radiated through me. Her intense gaze only piqued my need. My tongue came out to lightly trace the edges of her lips. The sensation was divine. I took her top lip between mine and kissed it softly and repeated the action with her bottom lip. Still her eyes did not close, calling to me, holding mine in some silent colloquy. An invitation? A secret? A desire? I could not distinguish the words they whispered but that didn’t stop me from trying.
I covered her face in soft kisses - her cheekbones, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her forehead, her jawbone. Not hard kisses but gentle unassuming kisses, the opposite end of the spectrum of my carnal desire to possess her. I wanted her to feel my love, not the passion that burned within me but the protective and caring love and I felt for her. I had no way to know if she’d want to know my love but I showed it to her anyway because it’s what my instincts told me she needed - not some man to possess her but one that knew how to take care of her. Was I that man?
I pulled back slightly, allowing my thumb to rub her bottom lip and elicited a sharp intake of breath from her. Her eyes fluttered shut. I was sure she had no idea how sexy she was between my hands. I pressed my body into hers, languishing the feel of her soft fragile body against my own and laid my lips on her mouth, waiting for them to react to my touch. It was like a button had been pressed and her spirit awoke. She kissed me back fervently, ardently, filling my senses with every bit of her touch and taste and sound and smell. I was in heaven.
I dropped my hands from her cheeks and pulled her small frame into my body, tightly, snugly, conforming her gentle curves into the angles and ridges of my form. She did not fight me, moaning softly into my mouth in appreciation of our closeness and giving me more of herself by pressing her lips harder into my kiss. Her arms curled around my neck and held me to her.
My mind was already a million miles ahead of my body, wanting more from her than I had the right to ask for, pondering what her skin would feel like against mine and justifying a way to touch her so that I might get my wish. I tried to refocus my thoughts in the moment but the pull was never far from my mind, nagging at me. Bella wasn’t helping matters, tangling her fingers in the hair at the back of my neck and tugging a tiny bit every time she pushed her tongue into my mouth. I couldn’t ascertain whether I was unable to fight her or if it was merely that I did not wish to fight her, and it didn’t really matter; I was there in her arms for as long as she’d hold me.
She pulled back from my lips for a moment and then took my bottom lip between her teeth and raked them over my flesh. A very ungentlemanly growl rumbled from my chest and she smiled against my mouth for a moment before repeating her amorous torture on my top lip. Every molecule of energy in my body refocused on the sensation for a moment. The simple action of her teeth on my lips was my ruin, arousing me so fully that I had to adjust the way my body was pressed into hers before I appeared impertinent and brash. I think Bella thought I was trying to pull away from her kiss and came back at me, planting several small wet kisses against my lips before pulling back fully.
As we fought to regain our composure, to catch our breath and come back down to Earth, I searched her eyes again. I could only find happiness. Could she see the happiness in mine?
“I have to go,” she whispered matter-of-factly. I tried to mask my disappointment. I wasn’t ready to let her go.
“Why?” I questioned sullenly.
“Shit to do,” she offered with an indifferent shrug.
“But Bella…” I needed her to know what I was feeling. I needed to know what she was thinking and feeling. I wanted to explain everything but when I started to explain she cut me off.
“No, it’s fine…really. You don’t need to say anything.”
“What if I want to say something? Don’t you think there are some things we need to talk about?”
“Nope, I’m good. See you tomorrow.” She started to walk out, hesitating briefly by the door with a quick look over her shoulder.
I didn’t know what to think or what to do. I started after her. I couldn’t let her walk away with so many things unsaid.
“Bella, wait. We need to talk.”
She just walked faster, determined to get out of there without talking to me.
“Bella, please!”
She did not acknowledge me.
Her reaction didn’t make sense to me. I waded through our words and actions to find the key to understanding her withdrawal and there was nothing. It was as if she had decided that she’d had enough and was satisfied. How could that be when I still felt completely unsatiated? I didn’t think I could ever get enough of her given my feelings for her, and that was where my error lay, in assuming that she had those same feelings for me or something analogous. I had seen what I wanted to see, assigned feelings to her that did not exist based on my own desires and feelings.
This was only a game to her, a power play...nothing more, nothing less. I meant nothing to her. As I watched her slowly moving farther away from me my dreams began to crumble. I could feel the darkness descending. I’d never felt so hollow.