Out of Choices - Chapter 23
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 23: Turnabout (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 5,364
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
23. Turnabout
A/N: First and foremost, my original entry was deleted somehow so my apologies to anyone who commented. I don't know what happened and I can't respond to your comments so I will say thank you and sorry for the mix up.
Respectful and absolutely obligatory shout out to Ms. Meyer and all her greatness: Pardon por favor mi español notorio; es el traductor. Stephenie Meyer posee crepúsculo y todos sus caracteres. Yes it’s Spanish tonight, and yes it is amusing to me.
So fanfiction(dot)net is back, and to celebrate I will put up the next chapter. This is me, trying to not cram so much into a chapter.
And as always, thank you for everyone who has taken a moment to leave a comment. They are so appreciated.
From Bella’s POV…
The moments of darkness just as sleep takes me under are when my thoughts are most clear. I don’t have an explanation for it. Maybe it’s just when my stupid brain lets the truth through, the thoughts that scare me so fucking much that I can’t admit them in consciousness. I thought if I ignored them they would go away, but they didn’t. They just invaded my dreams and woke me in the middle of the fear and made me feel like shit for fighting them, for not being able to believe in them, for wanting them at all.
Nothing was how it should be. Edward was here, and Alice was sneaking back and forth to Jasper’s room, and everyone was tiptoeing around me. I felt as conspicuous as if I were walking naked down the street. Alice was right. I had to face him. All of the avoiding I was doing wasn’t helping anything. He was giving me exactly what I asked for. He was respecting my personal space. He wasn’t talking to me anymore than being lab partners required. He wasn’t even pushing my buttons. And I hated every fucking second of it.
I lay there with my eyes closed and when the darkness came I tried to push the truth out of my head for the hundredth time, but Edward was all I saw. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, and I was sick of fighting my feelings for him. But what the fuck could I say to him? Wasn’t giving him another chance just like admitting that I was desperate, so in love with him that I didn’t care how he treated me? I’d never loved anyone before. Was all of this up and down, top of the world to bottom of the barrel, roller coaster shit part of love? Why did pushing him away last week feel like the absolute right thing to do at the time when today it seemed so fucking opposite? I tried to wrap my head around the egregious fucking quagmire I’d put myself in and there was just no easy way out. And maybe that was fate’s way of telling me that I didn’t deserve Edward. God knows he deserved better than me.
Alice and Jasper were really trying to make skiing fun. It’s not that I wasn’t having a good time, I was, but Chinese water torture would have been less painful. They were the opposite of obvious. It was the way they looked at one another, absolute fucking trust, conversations that spoke volumes without any words. It was the way his hand bent towards her body when he was suggesting we go in a certain direction or the way her eyes checked for him like an instinct. It was just the two of them and this incredible love that wasn’t broadcast or flaunted but it manifested in every single thing they did. It was amazing. And it made me feel like shit because I would never have that. And I needed to get away from it before my head exploded. I don’t know if they sensed my unease or if they just wanted some time alone but they didn’t fight me when I said I was going to go try a few runs by myself.
This whole skiing gig was easier than I expected. Of course, I was thinking I wouldn’t even be able to stand so the fact that I’d made it down every hill in a semi-successful manner had me stoked, success being defined by the fact that I could make it up another hill and try not to kill myself all over again. And I should have expected that as soon as I decided it was fun and doable that I’d do something and totally fuck up. I should have stayed focused on what I was doing, left more room, dug my skis in harder to stop myself and probably turned in the other direction. But I didn’t. When I got cut off I was thinking of how to handle things with Edward, leaving too little distance between my skis and the defined edge of the trail and I turned left instead of right and tried to plough stop the narrow passage way. I panicked as the trees closed in around me. I was headed right for them and it was abundantly clear that I was going to hit them. There wasn’t enough time or room to slow down. I just pushed my skis into the snow and braced myself for the hit.
There was someone touching me, or I thought there was, and an echo of something, like background noise. I didn’t feel sure of either thing. I strained to listen more carefully; the voice sounded far away. Someone was definitely touching me though. I knew that touch. It was the way Edward’s hand always felt when he held my cheek, cool and comforting and gentle. The voice was similar too, only more emotional and lacking the calm assuredness that Edward always oozed. It was another one of those stupid fucking truth dreams.
I squeezed my eyes more tightly closed, trying to shut off the dumb dream, and I felt a ripping pain on my forehead. What the fuck? My dreams never hurt. They were happy and horny, or scary and overwhelming, but they didn’t cause physical pain. My left leg felt funny too, pins and needles numb, heavy, weighted down. The voice was asking me where it hurt and moving my leg around. I wanted to scream to fucking leave it alone but the pain smothered my voice. I barely managed an ‘ow.’
The voice was becoming clearer. He knew me, called me by name and told me my leg might be broken. I wanted to tell the voice to stop moving my fucking leg. It hurt. Why was he moving it around so much? And if it was broken I couldn’t walk on it and I think I told the voice that. It was hard to think through the fog of the pain.
“I’ll carry you if you’ll allow it?”
“Yes please,” I snorted. Why wouldn’t I allow it? And why was my dream asking permission? I mean he was a polite guy and all, but generally dream Edward just sort of knew what I wanted and did it. I was so fucked up that I had screwed up dream Edward too. This was bad. And then I felt it, a spate of electricity that sparkled and tingled as an arm slide under my knees and then another arm slide across my back. He lifted me carefully and held me close to his body, with my head tucked neatly into the space under his chin. The sensation sent me into a déjà vu. I could even smell him. How could dream Edward smell like Edward?
I heard his voice as clear as a bell. “What happened Bella?” There was so much concern in it that my stomach dropped. A dream shouldn’t feel so real. It shouldn’t smell like him, or sound like him, or feel like him. My imagination was good, but not Edward good. What had happened? Images came trickling back, skiing, being cut off, and the trees. Oh my God the trees! I was headed right for them. I must have hit them but good. Is that why I hurt so much? Did I hit a tree and hurt myself? And if I did, was this actually Edward I was talking to and not dream Edward? I explained my theory to him about being cut off and hitting the trees while I tried to figure out what was happening to me. He started going on about a gash on my head and not skiing alone and I tried really hard to remember hitting the tree but I couldn’t. Maybe I had lost consciousness?
I remember the moment where all of the pieces came together and I knew he was real, because the words he whispered made me understand that this was my second chance. “Don’t you know what it would have done to me if you’d been seriously hurt?” He didn’t care about any of the shitty things I’d said or done. He didn’t care if I didn’t deserve him. He didn’t care about anything but whether or not I was okay. And I opened my eyes because I knew he was really there, and he was there, and I was in his arms. I shook my head to answer his question and nuzzled my head further into his neck, taking in a big gulp of his delicious smell. “Does it hurt?” he wondered.
The pain was the last thing I wanted to think about. I had so many other things I needed to say. “Yes, and don’t you go thinking I don’t know that you lied to me.” I tilted my head back so I could look at his face. His smile took my breath away.
“What?” he laughed.
“You said you weren’t coming.” But God was I ever fucking glad he had.
“No, I said I didn’t sign up for the ski trip, which I didn’t. I came on my own.” I should have known Edward would find a way to be right.
“Need to be right,” I sighed, letting my head drop back into the comfort of his neck. Real Edward with his need to be right was so much better than anything I could dream up.
The next few hours went by in a blur, first aide, the ambulance, x-rays, and what felt like a billion nurses and interns and doctors fucking poking and prodding me and forever writing on my chart. It all seemed pointless to me. I just wanted to get back to Edward and he was nowhere to be found. When the doctor came in to stitch my head up, Alice excused herself and came back with Edward’s keys, but no Edward. She wouldn’t say where he was or what he was doing, just drove me back to the hotel and tried to dissuade me from waiting in Edward’s room. I’d let him get away from me enough times. I wasn’t leaving until I told him how I felt.
When Edward finally returned he had changed back into the Edward that was at school all week, respectful and polite and quasi-distant. I asked Alice to get me a pop so I could speak to him alone. I had screwed up everything by pushing him away and it was my responsibility to fix things, if it was even possible. It was awkward as fuck trying to get my thoughts out while trying to listen to Edward’s thoughts and not let myself get upset by them. I started by admitting that I didn’t want to go to sleep because I was afraid he’d leave. He picked the most inconvenient moments to be dense and totally missed the hidden meaning in my words when I told him I wanted to stay with him. Why couldn’t he be dense when my words were mean or rude instead of in my rare honest moments? But then he touched me, and it changed everything. I couldn’t shut up. I told him I liked it when he touched me and that I didn’t want him to stay away from me anymore. I admitted I hadn’t been fair. I told him I wanted him, and that even as broken and difficult and unworthy as I was, he had my heart.
I wasn’t prepared for his answer. He told me I had his heart too, and part of me felt like he was just repeating my words back to avoid feeling awkward and hurting my feelings. But in his usual way he knew that my brain would need to hear more. He told me he wanted all of me, even the broken and scarred parts, and then he said the most unexpected thing of all.
“I love you.”
My answer was the most natural reply I’d ever spoken. “I love you too.” I did love him, and it felt good to say it and let go of the fear that he would reject me once he knew the awful truth of my feelings. As it turned out, it wasn’t so awful, and the fact that he felt the same way was the most amazing gift I’d ever been given. I watched his face light up and his smile grow and I’m pretty sure he was as lost in the moment as I was.
And when he finally kissed me it was the greatest relief I’d ever felt because I realized that I’d already let go of the idea of ever feeling his lips on mine again. I poured my heart and soul into that kiss, pressed my lips against his and enjoyed every fucking second of the connection. When his hand slid around my neck and tangled into my hair I almost lost it completely, so caught up in the action of him taking what he needed from me that I moaned against his perfect lips. And when he tried to pull away from me I took what I needed, just a little bit more of him, pulling his bottom lip into my mouth and raking my teeth along it. His almost growl was the perfect response. I loved him, and I told him so because I had no doubts.
He made me go downstairs to change but not before I made him promise that he would bring me back to his room. I wasn’t ready to let go of him yet and I don’t think he wanted to let me go either.
My leg was throbbing and I was fucking exhausted and my efforts to hide it from Edward were fruitless. I panicked when he started walking away from me after tucking me into bed. Did he think I was that cold that I would invite myself to stay in his room and leave him without a place to sleep? Getting him into the bed with me was embarrassing. He kept asking if he was close enough and for me, he wouldn’t be close enough until I was wrapped around him. Part of me started to doubt that he even wanted to lay with me in bed but I realized that he was just being a gentleman and was worried about my leg. I finagled one last kiss out of him and the feeling of his body pressed against me was fucking fantastic, even if my stupid leg interrupted it. I couldn’t stay mad though. I had everything I’d ever wished for laying beside me.
I felt like I was on a rotisserie trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. No amount of shifting and twisting brought me comfort. I always slept on my left side and my stupid cast made it impossible. I finally broke down and asked Edward if he would help me. I thought if I could snuggle into his side that it might bring me enough comfort that I would be able to fall asleep. He made it even nicer by asking me if I wanted to rest my cast on his legs. I hardly noticed the discomfort once I tangled my leg over his. He was everywhere I looked and felt and smelled and it was fucking perfection.
I was pretty out of it that night. He woke me to check on my concussion and give me more meds and every time I opened my eyes and saw him curled up beside me it was better than Christmas morning. I’m sure I grinned like an idiot and had hearts coming out of my eyes and shit, but I was so fucking smitten and content I didn’t care. It was a perfect bubble of happiness and I would have stayed there forever if it were an option.
The next morning, in my first conscious moments, before I even opened my eyes, I could smell him. As I came to, I realized that he was still beside me and that his arm was still curled around my shoulders. I wondered how in the hell it wasn’t killing him. I snuggled further into his body and sighed happily, because the only thing that mattered was that I was awake and with him, not dreaming it all.
“Are you awake?” he murmured. Guh, that voice was fucking heavenly. I decided not to answer him so he’d have to speak again and that way I would get to hear more of it. “Bella, I can tell you’re awake.” His voice was so quiet and I could feel the pressure of his moving lips on the top of my head. So fucking sexy.
“Well if you can tell I’m awake then why are you asking?” I teased.
“So I know for sure if I can kiss you yet,” he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
“Unlike you I don’t smell like a fresh meadow in the morning,” I complained, “so out of courtesy for you I’m going to say you do not want to kiss this mouth before my teeth are brushed.”
He tipped my chin up with his index finger and planted a firm kiss on my mouth. “I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to kiss you for such a silly reason,” he whispered, smoothing his hand out from under my chin and up along my jawbone. I shuddered at the sensation.
“Are you for real?” I wondered. He really was too good to be true.
He smiled. “It’s hard to believe isn’t it?”
“That we’re really doing this?”
“Did you think I would let you go after you told me you loved me?” he smiled.
“I never thought about it,” I admitted. “I showed up here after the hospital with the intention of telling you how I felt but believe me when I say I had no fucking expectations. I wasn’t even sure you’d take me back.”
“I’ll give you a million chances Bella, and then a million more.”
“Why?”
“That’s love…and it’s the only way I know how to be.”
“Lucky me,” I sighed, “or unlucky you I suppose. You do realize you picked the most difficult stubborn girl you could have picked right?”
“Hardly,” he laughed, kissing my hair again. “You were made for me. And as much as I’d like to keep you here forever, I really should get you downstairs before it’s discovered you’re missing.”
“The expulsion would be worth a few extra minutes with you,” I grinned, knowing full well he’d never stand for that. “Will you call me later?”
“Did you want me to?” he smirked.
“You do that just because you know I hate it don’t you?”
“Do what?” he asked innocently.
“There you go again! You answer my questions with a question. You’re just not happy unless you’re pushing my buttons are you?”
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, pulling me closer and giving my shoulder a soothing squeeze. “I like to hear that you want to hear from me I suppose. I’m not trying to upset you. I’d never do that.”
“No, you’d never do that,” I echoed sarcastically.
“Okay, I don’t do that anymore. Is that better?” he teased.
“I don’t know about better, but at least it’s truthful.”
“I would be happy to call you later, or come over if you’d like? You could introduce me to your Uncle perhaps?”
“Not tonight. Charlie is going to be all over me when I get home.” I inwardly balked at the idea of Edward meeting Charlie. I was barely used to him being my…boyfriend. I certainly wasn’t ready to broadcast it and openly invite another discussion about my sex life. Edward looked disappointed. “I just want to keep this to myself for a while, where no one else can touch it, you know?”
“Aren’t you sure about us?” he wondered.
“I am, but shit like this never works out for me Edward. I want some time to just appreciate that it’s mine. Is that being selfish? That I don’t want to share you with anyone else yet?”
“Not at all. I know exactly what you mean.” And just like that he scooped me up and I was in his arms and I was stunned, not because he was holding me so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and not because he was the best looking man I’d ever laid my eyes on, but because he was capable of understanding the complexity of my mind when I didn’t understand it myself. He was clearly wanted to be introduced to Charlie, and not only did he put his own wants aside for me, he saw things completely from my point of view.
“I don’t deserve you,” I whispered. I stared intensely into his eyes because I was so in awe of him. “And I just wanted to say right now that I’m sorry…for later, when I fuck this up. I really don’t deserve you.”
“Bella, shhh,” he soothed. “There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.” I know he meant it. It was in each word he spoke and in the way he looked at me. It wasn’t his fault if he didn’t understand that part of me yet.
Alice was already showered and dressed by the time we got back to my room. She seemed cheerful and well rested. She must be a morning person. “You’re up early,” I greeted her, watching as she and Edward exchanged a knowing glance.
“Morning person,” she offered, with a twisted smirk.
“Alice would mind helping Bella get packed and ready to go?” Edward asked. I felt a little like a child needing to be cared for. It was a broken leg folks, not a disease. Edward put me down carefully in the chair and kissed the top of my head softly. “I’ll see you in a few,” he murmured, excusing himself and leaving. I watched Alice flit around the room, folding clothes and packing her suitcase and mine. She wasn’t really looking at me and she certainly wasn’t saying anything.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
She looked up surprised. “About what?”
“About me, the leg, your brother, the fact I spent the night in his room? It’s not as if we’re short on things to talk about.”
“Oh,” she offered, staring at me a bit wide-eyed while she continued to fold the shirt in her arms.
“Oh? That’s the best you’ve got?”
“Well what did you want me to say?” she chirped. Her voice was wrong. She sounded happy enough, but it wasn’t Alice happy.
“What is it Alice? I thought you’d be all over me for details, or at least curious. I certainly didn’t think you’d be sitting back and making me pull information from you. What gives?”
“Nothing?” she defended. “I’m just not feeling like myself this morning.”
“Did you not sleep well?”
“Ummm…not really.”
“So maybe you’re just tired?”
“Probably,” she agreed. She wasn’t looking at me for more than a second and I got the distinct feeling that she was hiding something.
“Aren’t you going to ask me anything?”
She forced a smile to her face. “Did you and Edward have a good night?” she inquired politely, too politely. It was pretty fucking obvious that she didn’t really care what the answer to the question was.
“Fine,” I mumbled. I’m sure I sounded hurt but I could care less.
“That’s nice.”
I just sat there and stewed silently while Alice ignored me. She didn’t bother to notice how mad I was getting. I think my hair could have been on fire and she would have missed it. And then I realized what it was. “Are you made because I’m with Edward?”
“What?” She sounded surprised.
“Is that why you aren’t talking to me, because you’re pissed off at me because I’m into your brother?”
“No Bella, I don’t care that you like my brother,” she chuckled unconvincingly.
“Then why don’t I believe you? You’re hiding something Alice. Spill.”
“I think that those pain killers have fried your brain Bella. My god...” She rolled her eyes at me. She’d never been so haughty with me.
“That’s not a denial.”
“Will you get over yourself? Just because I’m not all bouncy and happy all the time doesn’t mean anything. I don’t get in your face about your moods.”
“Did something happen with Jasper?”
“No!” she insisted indignantly. “Nothing happened. Will you just drop it?” She was uncharacteristically frazzled.
“Pregnancy scare?” I mumbled quietly.
“No!” she snorted, and then burst out laughing. It was so over the top I was beginning to think I might be right.
“You could tell me you know…you could trust me with it,” I whispered.
“Honestly Bella, where do you come up with these ideas?” she laughed. It wasn’t her usual cheerful laugh. There was a darkness to it that I recognized but didn’t understand. A soft knock on the door interrupted my pondering. Alice answered the door laughing and let Edward in. As soon as he saw me in the chair his expression became alarmed.
“What are you laughing at Alice? Did something happen?”
“Bella was wondering if I might be in the middle of a pregnancy scare?” she guffawed, slapping her thigh to bring home the absurdity she found in my words. Just as I dropped my eyes to the floor and wished the ground would swallow me whole I saw Edward glare angrily at her.
“I was just trying to figure out why Alice was being so untalkative. Obviously I took the wrong road,” I explained, feeling small and embarrassed. Edward was at my side in a flash.
“It’s okay Bella,” he whispered, getting down on one knee so he was at my eye level. “I spoke to Mrs. Cope and a couple of the other chaperones. I explained how uncomfortable you were feeling with your leg and asked for permission to drive you home, if you’d like that?” he asked in his comforting velvety voice.
“Yes, please,” I whispered, looking at him while I answered and then dropping my eyes back to my lap. I started to push myself out of the chair and Edward’s hand came out.
“Here, let me help you,” he offered, pulling me from the chair and turning so I could put my arm around his waist. He slipped his arm around the back of me and hooked his hand under my arm so he could help support my weight. As we walked by Alice, he glared at her again. Edward helped me out into the hallway where he had stashed a pair of crutches. “I didn’t figure you’d want me carrying you,” he whispered, smirking. “Get used to the crutches. I’ll go grab your stuff.”
He walked back into the room and I peered in as I hobbled by on my crutches. He and Alice were having a very quiet but intense conversation by the looks on their faces. I couldn’t hear anything they were saying but I didn’t want them fighting over me. “Edward?” I called quietly from the doorway, “my leg is really bothering me. Can we get going?” It just seemed easier to make my leg the excuse than try to get them to stop fighting.
“Of course,” he allowed, turning back towards Alice. “I’ll talk to you at home.” I’d never heard him speak so sternly to Alice, or to anyone for that matter.
“Bye Alice. I guess I’ll see you at school.”
“I hope your leg feels better soon.”
“Thanks.”
Edward came out with my bag without saying anything more to Alice. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yes.” He led me out to the car, patiently walking beside me as I tried to make the crutches do the work. It was harder than I thought it would be to coordinate the shift in my weight as I moved them and tried to keep the pressure off the cast. Once we were at the car he opened the door and slid the seat all the way back to maximize the room for my cast and then helped me in. I watched him move around the car and was kind of stunned by the grace in his step. Beside him I must look like a complete klutz. I just shook my head. How on Earth the dude was even interested in me I would never understand, and forget ever understanding why he loved me. It was just something I had to have faith in, because logic didn’t come into play.
“What are you shaking your head for?” he wondered when he got in the car.
“I just remembered something,” I smiled. “You were silly enough to fall in love with me.”
He smiled his crooked grin and my breath caught in my throat. “Not silly, smart,” he corrected me. “Are you ready to go home?”
I smiled my reply. Four straight hours alone with Edward in a car? Hell yeah I was ready.
A/N: All reviews are gratefully accepted and appreciated. Please review.
Chapter 23: Turnabout (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 5,364
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
23. Turnabout
A/N: First and foremost, my original entry was deleted somehow so my apologies to anyone who commented. I don't know what happened and I can't respond to your comments so I will say thank you and sorry for the mix up.
Respectful and absolutely obligatory shout out to Ms. Meyer and all her greatness: Pardon por favor mi español notorio; es el traductor. Stephenie Meyer posee crepúsculo y todos sus caracteres. Yes it’s Spanish tonight, and yes it is amusing to me.
So fanfiction(dot)net is back, and to celebrate I will put up the next chapter. This is me, trying to not cram so much into a chapter.
And as always, thank you for everyone who has taken a moment to leave a comment. They are so appreciated.
From Bella’s POV…
The moments of darkness just as sleep takes me under are when my thoughts are most clear. I don’t have an explanation for it. Maybe it’s just when my stupid brain lets the truth through, the thoughts that scare me so fucking much that I can’t admit them in consciousness. I thought if I ignored them they would go away, but they didn’t. They just invaded my dreams and woke me in the middle of the fear and made me feel like shit for fighting them, for not being able to believe in them, for wanting them at all.
Nothing was how it should be. Edward was here, and Alice was sneaking back and forth to Jasper’s room, and everyone was tiptoeing around me. I felt as conspicuous as if I were walking naked down the street. Alice was right. I had to face him. All of the avoiding I was doing wasn’t helping anything. He was giving me exactly what I asked for. He was respecting my personal space. He wasn’t talking to me anymore than being lab partners required. He wasn’t even pushing my buttons. And I hated every fucking second of it.
I lay there with my eyes closed and when the darkness came I tried to push the truth out of my head for the hundredth time, but Edward was all I saw. I loved him, and I wanted to be with him, and I was sick of fighting my feelings for him. But what the fuck could I say to him? Wasn’t giving him another chance just like admitting that I was desperate, so in love with him that I didn’t care how he treated me? I’d never loved anyone before. Was all of this up and down, top of the world to bottom of the barrel, roller coaster shit part of love? Why did pushing him away last week feel like the absolute right thing to do at the time when today it seemed so fucking opposite? I tried to wrap my head around the egregious fucking quagmire I’d put myself in and there was just no easy way out. And maybe that was fate’s way of telling me that I didn’t deserve Edward. God knows he deserved better than me.
Alice and Jasper were really trying to make skiing fun. It’s not that I wasn’t having a good time, I was, but Chinese water torture would have been less painful. They were the opposite of obvious. It was the way they looked at one another, absolute fucking trust, conversations that spoke volumes without any words. It was the way his hand bent towards her body when he was suggesting we go in a certain direction or the way her eyes checked for him like an instinct. It was just the two of them and this incredible love that wasn’t broadcast or flaunted but it manifested in every single thing they did. It was amazing. And it made me feel like shit because I would never have that. And I needed to get away from it before my head exploded. I don’t know if they sensed my unease or if they just wanted some time alone but they didn’t fight me when I said I was going to go try a few runs by myself.
This whole skiing gig was easier than I expected. Of course, I was thinking I wouldn’t even be able to stand so the fact that I’d made it down every hill in a semi-successful manner had me stoked, success being defined by the fact that I could make it up another hill and try not to kill myself all over again. And I should have expected that as soon as I decided it was fun and doable that I’d do something and totally fuck up. I should have stayed focused on what I was doing, left more room, dug my skis in harder to stop myself and probably turned in the other direction. But I didn’t. When I got cut off I was thinking of how to handle things with Edward, leaving too little distance between my skis and the defined edge of the trail and I turned left instead of right and tried to plough stop the narrow passage way. I panicked as the trees closed in around me. I was headed right for them and it was abundantly clear that I was going to hit them. There wasn’t enough time or room to slow down. I just pushed my skis into the snow and braced myself for the hit.
There was someone touching me, or I thought there was, and an echo of something, like background noise. I didn’t feel sure of either thing. I strained to listen more carefully; the voice sounded far away. Someone was definitely touching me though. I knew that touch. It was the way Edward’s hand always felt when he held my cheek, cool and comforting and gentle. The voice was similar too, only more emotional and lacking the calm assuredness that Edward always oozed. It was another one of those stupid fucking truth dreams.
I squeezed my eyes more tightly closed, trying to shut off the dumb dream, and I felt a ripping pain on my forehead. What the fuck? My dreams never hurt. They were happy and horny, or scary and overwhelming, but they didn’t cause physical pain. My left leg felt funny too, pins and needles numb, heavy, weighted down. The voice was asking me where it hurt and moving my leg around. I wanted to scream to fucking leave it alone but the pain smothered my voice. I barely managed an ‘ow.’
The voice was becoming clearer. He knew me, called me by name and told me my leg might be broken. I wanted to tell the voice to stop moving my fucking leg. It hurt. Why was he moving it around so much? And if it was broken I couldn’t walk on it and I think I told the voice that. It was hard to think through the fog of the pain.
“I’ll carry you if you’ll allow it?”
“Yes please,” I snorted. Why wouldn’t I allow it? And why was my dream asking permission? I mean he was a polite guy and all, but generally dream Edward just sort of knew what I wanted and did it. I was so fucked up that I had screwed up dream Edward too. This was bad. And then I felt it, a spate of electricity that sparkled and tingled as an arm slide under my knees and then another arm slide across my back. He lifted me carefully and held me close to his body, with my head tucked neatly into the space under his chin. The sensation sent me into a déjà vu. I could even smell him. How could dream Edward smell like Edward?
I heard his voice as clear as a bell. “What happened Bella?” There was so much concern in it that my stomach dropped. A dream shouldn’t feel so real. It shouldn’t smell like him, or sound like him, or feel like him. My imagination was good, but not Edward good. What had happened? Images came trickling back, skiing, being cut off, and the trees. Oh my God the trees! I was headed right for them. I must have hit them but good. Is that why I hurt so much? Did I hit a tree and hurt myself? And if I did, was this actually Edward I was talking to and not dream Edward? I explained my theory to him about being cut off and hitting the trees while I tried to figure out what was happening to me. He started going on about a gash on my head and not skiing alone and I tried really hard to remember hitting the tree but I couldn’t. Maybe I had lost consciousness?
I remember the moment where all of the pieces came together and I knew he was real, because the words he whispered made me understand that this was my second chance. “Don’t you know what it would have done to me if you’d been seriously hurt?” He didn’t care about any of the shitty things I’d said or done. He didn’t care if I didn’t deserve him. He didn’t care about anything but whether or not I was okay. And I opened my eyes because I knew he was really there, and he was there, and I was in his arms. I shook my head to answer his question and nuzzled my head further into his neck, taking in a big gulp of his delicious smell. “Does it hurt?” he wondered.
The pain was the last thing I wanted to think about. I had so many other things I needed to say. “Yes, and don’t you go thinking I don’t know that you lied to me.” I tilted my head back so I could look at his face. His smile took my breath away.
“What?” he laughed.
“You said you weren’t coming.” But God was I ever fucking glad he had.
“No, I said I didn’t sign up for the ski trip, which I didn’t. I came on my own.” I should have known Edward would find a way to be right.
“Need to be right,” I sighed, letting my head drop back into the comfort of his neck. Real Edward with his need to be right was so much better than anything I could dream up.
The next few hours went by in a blur, first aide, the ambulance, x-rays, and what felt like a billion nurses and interns and doctors fucking poking and prodding me and forever writing on my chart. It all seemed pointless to me. I just wanted to get back to Edward and he was nowhere to be found. When the doctor came in to stitch my head up, Alice excused herself and came back with Edward’s keys, but no Edward. She wouldn’t say where he was or what he was doing, just drove me back to the hotel and tried to dissuade me from waiting in Edward’s room. I’d let him get away from me enough times. I wasn’t leaving until I told him how I felt.
When Edward finally returned he had changed back into the Edward that was at school all week, respectful and polite and quasi-distant. I asked Alice to get me a pop so I could speak to him alone. I had screwed up everything by pushing him away and it was my responsibility to fix things, if it was even possible. It was awkward as fuck trying to get my thoughts out while trying to listen to Edward’s thoughts and not let myself get upset by them. I started by admitting that I didn’t want to go to sleep because I was afraid he’d leave. He picked the most inconvenient moments to be dense and totally missed the hidden meaning in my words when I told him I wanted to stay with him. Why couldn’t he be dense when my words were mean or rude instead of in my rare honest moments? But then he touched me, and it changed everything. I couldn’t shut up. I told him I liked it when he touched me and that I didn’t want him to stay away from me anymore. I admitted I hadn’t been fair. I told him I wanted him, and that even as broken and difficult and unworthy as I was, he had my heart.
I wasn’t prepared for his answer. He told me I had his heart too, and part of me felt like he was just repeating my words back to avoid feeling awkward and hurting my feelings. But in his usual way he knew that my brain would need to hear more. He told me he wanted all of me, even the broken and scarred parts, and then he said the most unexpected thing of all.
“I love you.”
My answer was the most natural reply I’d ever spoken. “I love you too.” I did love him, and it felt good to say it and let go of the fear that he would reject me once he knew the awful truth of my feelings. As it turned out, it wasn’t so awful, and the fact that he felt the same way was the most amazing gift I’d ever been given. I watched his face light up and his smile grow and I’m pretty sure he was as lost in the moment as I was.
And when he finally kissed me it was the greatest relief I’d ever felt because I realized that I’d already let go of the idea of ever feeling his lips on mine again. I poured my heart and soul into that kiss, pressed my lips against his and enjoyed every fucking second of the connection. When his hand slid around my neck and tangled into my hair I almost lost it completely, so caught up in the action of him taking what he needed from me that I moaned against his perfect lips. And when he tried to pull away from me I took what I needed, just a little bit more of him, pulling his bottom lip into my mouth and raking my teeth along it. His almost growl was the perfect response. I loved him, and I told him so because I had no doubts.
He made me go downstairs to change but not before I made him promise that he would bring me back to his room. I wasn’t ready to let go of him yet and I don’t think he wanted to let me go either.
My leg was throbbing and I was fucking exhausted and my efforts to hide it from Edward were fruitless. I panicked when he started walking away from me after tucking me into bed. Did he think I was that cold that I would invite myself to stay in his room and leave him without a place to sleep? Getting him into the bed with me was embarrassing. He kept asking if he was close enough and for me, he wouldn’t be close enough until I was wrapped around him. Part of me started to doubt that he even wanted to lay with me in bed but I realized that he was just being a gentleman and was worried about my leg. I finagled one last kiss out of him and the feeling of his body pressed against me was fucking fantastic, even if my stupid leg interrupted it. I couldn’t stay mad though. I had everything I’d ever wished for laying beside me.
I felt like I was on a rotisserie trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. No amount of shifting and twisting brought me comfort. I always slept on my left side and my stupid cast made it impossible. I finally broke down and asked Edward if he would help me. I thought if I could snuggle into his side that it might bring me enough comfort that I would be able to fall asleep. He made it even nicer by asking me if I wanted to rest my cast on his legs. I hardly noticed the discomfort once I tangled my leg over his. He was everywhere I looked and felt and smelled and it was fucking perfection.
I was pretty out of it that night. He woke me to check on my concussion and give me more meds and every time I opened my eyes and saw him curled up beside me it was better than Christmas morning. I’m sure I grinned like an idiot and had hearts coming out of my eyes and shit, but I was so fucking smitten and content I didn’t care. It was a perfect bubble of happiness and I would have stayed there forever if it were an option.
The next morning, in my first conscious moments, before I even opened my eyes, I could smell him. As I came to, I realized that he was still beside me and that his arm was still curled around my shoulders. I wondered how in the hell it wasn’t killing him. I snuggled further into his body and sighed happily, because the only thing that mattered was that I was awake and with him, not dreaming it all.
“Are you awake?” he murmured. Guh, that voice was fucking heavenly. I decided not to answer him so he’d have to speak again and that way I would get to hear more of it. “Bella, I can tell you’re awake.” His voice was so quiet and I could feel the pressure of his moving lips on the top of my head. So fucking sexy.
“Well if you can tell I’m awake then why are you asking?” I teased.
“So I know for sure if I can kiss you yet,” he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
“Unlike you I don’t smell like a fresh meadow in the morning,” I complained, “so out of courtesy for you I’m going to say you do not want to kiss this mouth before my teeth are brushed.”
He tipped my chin up with his index finger and planted a firm kiss on my mouth. “I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to kiss you for such a silly reason,” he whispered, smoothing his hand out from under my chin and up along my jawbone. I shuddered at the sensation.
“Are you for real?” I wondered. He really was too good to be true.
He smiled. “It’s hard to believe isn’t it?”
“That we’re really doing this?”
“Did you think I would let you go after you told me you loved me?” he smiled.
“I never thought about it,” I admitted. “I showed up here after the hospital with the intention of telling you how I felt but believe me when I say I had no fucking expectations. I wasn’t even sure you’d take me back.”
“I’ll give you a million chances Bella, and then a million more.”
“Why?”
“That’s love…and it’s the only way I know how to be.”
“Lucky me,” I sighed, “or unlucky you I suppose. You do realize you picked the most difficult stubborn girl you could have picked right?”
“Hardly,” he laughed, kissing my hair again. “You were made for me. And as much as I’d like to keep you here forever, I really should get you downstairs before it’s discovered you’re missing.”
“The expulsion would be worth a few extra minutes with you,” I grinned, knowing full well he’d never stand for that. “Will you call me later?”
“Did you want me to?” he smirked.
“You do that just because you know I hate it don’t you?”
“Do what?” he asked innocently.
“There you go again! You answer my questions with a question. You’re just not happy unless you’re pushing my buttons are you?”
“I’m sorry,” he breathed, pulling me closer and giving my shoulder a soothing squeeze. “I like to hear that you want to hear from me I suppose. I’m not trying to upset you. I’d never do that.”
“No, you’d never do that,” I echoed sarcastically.
“Okay, I don’t do that anymore. Is that better?” he teased.
“I don’t know about better, but at least it’s truthful.”
“I would be happy to call you later, or come over if you’d like? You could introduce me to your Uncle perhaps?”
“Not tonight. Charlie is going to be all over me when I get home.” I inwardly balked at the idea of Edward meeting Charlie. I was barely used to him being my…boyfriend. I certainly wasn’t ready to broadcast it and openly invite another discussion about my sex life. Edward looked disappointed. “I just want to keep this to myself for a while, where no one else can touch it, you know?”
“Aren’t you sure about us?” he wondered.
“I am, but shit like this never works out for me Edward. I want some time to just appreciate that it’s mine. Is that being selfish? That I don’t want to share you with anyone else yet?”
“Not at all. I know exactly what you mean.” And just like that he scooped me up and I was in his arms and I was stunned, not because he was holding me so close that I could feel his breath on my face, and not because he was the best looking man I’d ever laid my eyes on, but because he was capable of understanding the complexity of my mind when I didn’t understand it myself. He was clearly wanted to be introduced to Charlie, and not only did he put his own wants aside for me, he saw things completely from my point of view.
“I don’t deserve you,” I whispered. I stared intensely into his eyes because I was so in awe of him. “And I just wanted to say right now that I’m sorry…for later, when I fuck this up. I really don’t deserve you.”
“Bella, shhh,” he soothed. “There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.” I know he meant it. It was in each word he spoke and in the way he looked at me. It wasn’t his fault if he didn’t understand that part of me yet.
Alice was already showered and dressed by the time we got back to my room. She seemed cheerful and well rested. She must be a morning person. “You’re up early,” I greeted her, watching as she and Edward exchanged a knowing glance.
“Morning person,” she offered, with a twisted smirk.
“Alice would mind helping Bella get packed and ready to go?” Edward asked. I felt a little like a child needing to be cared for. It was a broken leg folks, not a disease. Edward put me down carefully in the chair and kissed the top of my head softly. “I’ll see you in a few,” he murmured, excusing himself and leaving. I watched Alice flit around the room, folding clothes and packing her suitcase and mine. She wasn’t really looking at me and she certainly wasn’t saying anything.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
She looked up surprised. “About what?”
“About me, the leg, your brother, the fact I spent the night in his room? It’s not as if we’re short on things to talk about.”
“Oh,” she offered, staring at me a bit wide-eyed while she continued to fold the shirt in her arms.
“Oh? That’s the best you’ve got?”
“Well what did you want me to say?” she chirped. Her voice was wrong. She sounded happy enough, but it wasn’t Alice happy.
“What is it Alice? I thought you’d be all over me for details, or at least curious. I certainly didn’t think you’d be sitting back and making me pull information from you. What gives?”
“Nothing?” she defended. “I’m just not feeling like myself this morning.”
“Did you not sleep well?”
“Ummm…not really.”
“So maybe you’re just tired?”
“Probably,” she agreed. She wasn’t looking at me for more than a second and I got the distinct feeling that she was hiding something.
“Aren’t you going to ask me anything?”
She forced a smile to her face. “Did you and Edward have a good night?” she inquired politely, too politely. It was pretty fucking obvious that she didn’t really care what the answer to the question was.
“Fine,” I mumbled. I’m sure I sounded hurt but I could care less.
“That’s nice.”
I just sat there and stewed silently while Alice ignored me. She didn’t bother to notice how mad I was getting. I think my hair could have been on fire and she would have missed it. And then I realized what it was. “Are you made because I’m with Edward?”
“What?” She sounded surprised.
“Is that why you aren’t talking to me, because you’re pissed off at me because I’m into your brother?”
“No Bella, I don’t care that you like my brother,” she chuckled unconvincingly.
“Then why don’t I believe you? You’re hiding something Alice. Spill.”
“I think that those pain killers have fried your brain Bella. My god...” She rolled her eyes at me. She’d never been so haughty with me.
“That’s not a denial.”
“Will you get over yourself? Just because I’m not all bouncy and happy all the time doesn’t mean anything. I don’t get in your face about your moods.”
“Did something happen with Jasper?”
“No!” she insisted indignantly. “Nothing happened. Will you just drop it?” She was uncharacteristically frazzled.
“Pregnancy scare?” I mumbled quietly.
“No!” she snorted, and then burst out laughing. It was so over the top I was beginning to think I might be right.
“You could tell me you know…you could trust me with it,” I whispered.
“Honestly Bella, where do you come up with these ideas?” she laughed. It wasn’t her usual cheerful laugh. There was a darkness to it that I recognized but didn’t understand. A soft knock on the door interrupted my pondering. Alice answered the door laughing and let Edward in. As soon as he saw me in the chair his expression became alarmed.
“What are you laughing at Alice? Did something happen?”
“Bella was wondering if I might be in the middle of a pregnancy scare?” she guffawed, slapping her thigh to bring home the absurdity she found in my words. Just as I dropped my eyes to the floor and wished the ground would swallow me whole I saw Edward glare angrily at her.
“I was just trying to figure out why Alice was being so untalkative. Obviously I took the wrong road,” I explained, feeling small and embarrassed. Edward was at my side in a flash.
“It’s okay Bella,” he whispered, getting down on one knee so he was at my eye level. “I spoke to Mrs. Cope and a couple of the other chaperones. I explained how uncomfortable you were feeling with your leg and asked for permission to drive you home, if you’d like that?” he asked in his comforting velvety voice.
“Yes, please,” I whispered, looking at him while I answered and then dropping my eyes back to my lap. I started to push myself out of the chair and Edward’s hand came out.
“Here, let me help you,” he offered, pulling me from the chair and turning so I could put my arm around his waist. He slipped his arm around the back of me and hooked his hand under my arm so he could help support my weight. As we walked by Alice, he glared at her again. Edward helped me out into the hallway where he had stashed a pair of crutches. “I didn’t figure you’d want me carrying you,” he whispered, smirking. “Get used to the crutches. I’ll go grab your stuff.”
He walked back into the room and I peered in as I hobbled by on my crutches. He and Alice were having a very quiet but intense conversation by the looks on their faces. I couldn’t hear anything they were saying but I didn’t want them fighting over me. “Edward?” I called quietly from the doorway, “my leg is really bothering me. Can we get going?” It just seemed easier to make my leg the excuse than try to get them to stop fighting.
“Of course,” he allowed, turning back towards Alice. “I’ll talk to you at home.” I’d never heard him speak so sternly to Alice, or to anyone for that matter.
“Bye Alice. I guess I’ll see you at school.”
“I hope your leg feels better soon.”
“Thanks.”
Edward came out with my bag without saying anything more to Alice. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yes.” He led me out to the car, patiently walking beside me as I tried to make the crutches do the work. It was harder than I thought it would be to coordinate the shift in my weight as I moved them and tried to keep the pressure off the cast. Once we were at the car he opened the door and slid the seat all the way back to maximize the room for my cast and then helped me in. I watched him move around the car and was kind of stunned by the grace in his step. Beside him I must look like a complete klutz. I just shook my head. How on Earth the dude was even interested in me I would never understand, and forget ever understanding why he loved me. It was just something I had to have faith in, because logic didn’t come into play.
“What are you shaking your head for?” he wondered when he got in the car.
“I just remembered something,” I smiled. “You were silly enough to fall in love with me.”
He smiled his crooked grin and my breath caught in my throat. “Not silly, smart,” he corrected me. “Are you ready to go home?”
I smiled my reply. Four straight hours alone with Edward in a car? Hell yeah I was ready.
A/N: All reviews are gratefully accepted and appreciated. Please review.