106.
I told myself I'd lay off of this because it's always just filled of negatives thoughts and sad things and it's not really fun to read when I look back.....but I can't seem to draw myself away from this. It's an outlet and outlet's are good or else my head fills up and things get messy.....
Lately I've been, how to put it, stressed out. How exactly can one be stressed out when you don't really do shit all day but sit in front of your computer? It's possible. I wake up and the first thing I think of is, "WHAT DO I DO WITH MY FUCKIN' LIFE?" or "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?" At times I think, yeah I made a mistake. I'm not meant to be an artist, I'm not meant to be where I am. I should have taken another course. I should have known about creative writing but I didn't. In terms of the religious people, "God laid out this path for me." In my terms, I was stupid enough not to know about creative writing and the Ateneo scholarship papers were too long to fill out that i gave up on it and thus ended up in College of St. Benilde taking up multimedia arts. Thus leading to who I am today with already tons of regrets in my head that I can't seem to push aside. Four years of college life and I feel like I haven't learned shit. Or maybe I did improve....yet I never became great. I guess my priorities are mixed up so now I go to job interviews and not get in. Not get called back. Sure it appears I shrug it off but it's not well...it's not easy to accept that you're just not great. It's hard when you see almost everyone you know working. Complaining of stress, going to work and you? You haven't done shit with your life. You're stuck at home thinking if you're even trying hard enough.
Stress. I am stressed out by everything. About my life, about work, about money, about roleplay. EVERYTHING is stressful.
Even a good past time leads to self doubt and everything makes you just feel so...bad. Everyday you get reminded that you owe this amount of money, everyday you're told that you owe this and I get it. I know I owe people money it's not that I don't keep track but hey, I will pay up...eventually. It's annoying, I have to stay home and cut down on having my usual once or twice a week meet ups with friends to pay up and if I don't go out people complain. They say I can't live without my computer that all this is abuse that I don't talk to people and all that crap of assumptions and everything that happens in my life gets blamed on to this. Not that they know what I do anyway....and if I'm out all the time they complain too. I'm never at home. So what do I do? It feels just about the same. Stay home or go out, they complain and it sucks.
My little brother graduated from preparatory with honors so they start comparing again, the other two brothers got merit awards and I well...I guess I didn't do well either when I was kid because I didn't get anything. They keep saying it over and over and well, it's annoying. They're all, "Oh so him and him are merit what about you?" and I'm all, "Uhh, nothing. I didn't get anything." Aish.
Roleplay is just about as stressful. Lately my mood in it has been fluctuating. I don't want to think of it. I don't want to think of them but the more I disappear on it the more damage it does to the characters I play. None of them have friends and it sucks. It's like living my whole elementary and highschool life all over again. Stuck in a community where you just sit there and not talk all day. Where your presence only depends if you're of use to others and if not you don't exist. It's the same thing all over again and it sucks. Everyone's having fun, because well they're good at it. I suck. Socializing sucks. Getting left out or left behind sucks. Maybe this type of roleplay isn't for me. The fact that you play someone who has already a set of fixed relationships and connections already make you expect that loneliness is eliminated and your expectations are never met and it starts to get tough. I've roleplayed in a place where almost everyone's new, people were supportive, people would build you up and not break you, people were just...well easy to be with. I guess I don't like reality so much.
Ahh, I don't like being stressed out. I don't like doubting myself either but sometimes you just can't help it. You can't help but compare. You can't help but see that there's always someone who's better than you...especially when you're fighting to find where your place is in the world...where you know you gotta think of the future now because you're not in school anymore...you actually have to participate in this "life". Lately everything's just failure piled on failure, dead ends and obstacles. I feel like I'm lagging behind. Like nothing's enough that I lack enormously in everything. Real life is scary....I wish I was a student again where all I'd think of is homework and projects....where my biggest problem was meeting the deadline....
Lately I've been, how to put it, stressed out. How exactly can one be stressed out when you don't really do shit all day but sit in front of your computer? It's possible. I wake up and the first thing I think of is, "WHAT DO I DO WITH MY FUCKIN' LIFE?" or "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?" At times I think, yeah I made a mistake. I'm not meant to be an artist, I'm not meant to be where I am. I should have taken another course. I should have known about creative writing but I didn't. In terms of the religious people, "God laid out this path for me." In my terms, I was stupid enough not to know about creative writing and the Ateneo scholarship papers were too long to fill out that i gave up on it and thus ended up in College of St. Benilde taking up multimedia arts. Thus leading to who I am today with already tons of regrets in my head that I can't seem to push aside. Four years of college life and I feel like I haven't learned shit. Or maybe I did improve....yet I never became great. I guess my priorities are mixed up so now I go to job interviews and not get in. Not get called back. Sure it appears I shrug it off but it's not well...it's not easy to accept that you're just not great. It's hard when you see almost everyone you know working. Complaining of stress, going to work and you? You haven't done shit with your life. You're stuck at home thinking if you're even trying hard enough.
Stress. I am stressed out by everything. About my life, about work, about money, about roleplay. EVERYTHING is stressful.
Even a good past time leads to self doubt and everything makes you just feel so...bad. Everyday you get reminded that you owe this amount of money, everyday you're told that you owe this and I get it. I know I owe people money it's not that I don't keep track but hey, I will pay up...eventually. It's annoying, I have to stay home and cut down on having my usual once or twice a week meet ups with friends to pay up and if I don't go out people complain. They say I can't live without my computer that all this is abuse that I don't talk to people and all that crap of assumptions and everything that happens in my life gets blamed on to this. Not that they know what I do anyway....and if I'm out all the time they complain too. I'm never at home. So what do I do? It feels just about the same. Stay home or go out, they complain and it sucks.
My little brother graduated from preparatory with honors so they start comparing again, the other two brothers got merit awards and I well...I guess I didn't do well either when I was kid because I didn't get anything. They keep saying it over and over and well, it's annoying. They're all, "Oh so him and him are merit what about you?" and I'm all, "Uhh, nothing. I didn't get anything." Aish.
Roleplay is just about as stressful. Lately my mood in it has been fluctuating. I don't want to think of it. I don't want to think of them but the more I disappear on it the more damage it does to the characters I play. None of them have friends and it sucks. It's like living my whole elementary and highschool life all over again. Stuck in a community where you just sit there and not talk all day. Where your presence only depends if you're of use to others and if not you don't exist. It's the same thing all over again and it sucks. Everyone's having fun, because well they're good at it. I suck. Socializing sucks. Getting left out or left behind sucks. Maybe this type of roleplay isn't for me. The fact that you play someone who has already a set of fixed relationships and connections already make you expect that loneliness is eliminated and your expectations are never met and it starts to get tough. I've roleplayed in a place where almost everyone's new, people were supportive, people would build you up and not break you, people were just...well easy to be with. I guess I don't like reality so much.
Ahh, I don't like being stressed out. I don't like doubting myself either but sometimes you just can't help it. You can't help but compare. You can't help but see that there's always someone who's better than you...especially when you're fighting to find where your place is in the world...where you know you gotta think of the future now because you're not in school anymore...you actually have to participate in this "life". Lately everything's just failure piled on failure, dead ends and obstacles. I feel like I'm lagging behind. Like nothing's enough that I lack enormously in everything. Real life is scary....I wish I was a student again where all I'd think of is homework and projects....where my biggest problem was meeting the deadline....