105.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-- Mark Twain
I find truth in that because that's what I'm going through. My self centered-ness and delusional head makes me see things that aren't really there anymore. When I start thinking that hey it's about me, it's because of me, when it's not. Maybe because I'm that desperate or find pleasure or relief when it's because of me. So I can't even trust myself with what I see or what I perceive or what I observe. Because I know all too well that things will never be as it seems. I'm probably just hung up over something that's long in the past. I'm probably stuck there. I know move forwards but yeah, shit is shit. I've held my thoughts and tongue at everything and just tried to go with the flow but yes as another quote that I've tweeted said:
“What’s good about saying nothing is that you lessen the tendency to hurt others. The bad thing is, you never really realize how keeping quiet hurts you.” --(via eletheowl)
Silence hurts. But then I'm that passive to speak my mind. Soon I lose my own self in my own thoughts and everything seems darker, duller and colder. Staying in the house for long periods of time turn unbearable. I have to go out with friends as much as I can or as much as my money can stay in my wallet because I'm happy. There's this huge gaping hole in me. Though it's stupid, I mean I know I have a so much friends around me who really care, I still feel very much alone.
Does your heart echo like a hall? 'Cause there's no one there at all.
-- The Weepies
That's the hallow feeling. The lack of everything that I knew. The sudden ending of things and me left in the dark with all the decisions that was made and the reason behind it. Though I can say that I saw it coming. It was a subconscious thing. I knew it was coming but maybe not in the same manner as I thought it would go. The fact that I gave up was quite a surprise. I don't give up. Not when I've invested so much already. But then yeah, love isn't enough. It never is. Love will never be the sole reason why people stick it out til the end. Love is a decision a choice. No matter how much effort, time and dedication you put in it, it'll never be a reassurance that everything is okay. Because most probably it isn't. When things are too happy or too good. Start doubting.
The world's colder now. Or maybe it's just me. But I can see the definite change. Not just with her but with everyone else. I'm less interested in anything and slowly allow myself to be pushed back into the background. I know for sure I can never be vulnerable ever again. If only I can just make things as if they never existed then maybe I'd stop standing still in a past that's...pretty much fiction. Vulnerabilty as I thought was a good thing. In terms of being open completely to someone but the hurt you get it's twice more and I'm even surprised I haven't done anything crazy. Though I am tired. Uninspired. Disconnected. Soon I'll be back to losing friendships and stuff too.
Maybe I should do something crazy since for a fact, I do know that physical pain makes me get through all this. Getting hurt physically makes me breathe easy makes me feel better and honestly it's something I've been seeking. If it makes me interact better with people and feel better then why not right? It's a good relief. I'd chose physical pain any day over all this emotional shit that I'm in. At least physical pain fades almost instantly...unlike this. It just grows and gets worse and makes you a different person and it makes you irrational and makes you seem like the world is shit. Though most of the time it is.
Who would want you as you are? What can you give that they couldn't get from someone else?
-- The Weepies
Along with everything comes doubt. Knowing that hey, you'll never be good enough because what you can offer someone can offer better or what you can offer isn't and will never be enough. This mentality is like disease. I have my life goal on what kind of personality I am and I have to find my self worth. But I don't think I've found it yet.
And like a cycle....
Every day it starts again. You cannot say if you're happy. You keep trying to be.
-- The Weepies