I was just giving you alone time
as one of my older poems reads; "cut me and bleed me with this knife"
why did I ever, ever, ever make that promise?
I don't know why....
I don't know what I was thinking...
Somedays I'm glad, other days I regret it.
And, today...
I wish I had never said those words.
Because the desire is as strong as ever.
It feels like there is absolutely no privacy whatsoever.
And I cannot stand it.
On the verge of breaking down....
while sweet words from earlier flood through my mind, I wonder...
is it worth it?
They say to never regret anything that made you smile
(or was that me?)
and, I don't regret it...
but, I still wonder if it will all end?
I know I repeat myself a lot, but I know my heart will break the day...
if it ever ended, I fear, so would I.
I don't say this as a hope to scare you into staying around.
I just ...don't ever want to lose you.
Because of the feeling I get when we talk.
The feeling I get when you say sweet things.
The way you seem to be honest when you say you missed me, or that you care.
I don't want you sticking around because of pity on me.
I hope you stick around because someday you could possibly love me.
Even when I don't deserve it.
Don't deserve such a wonderful guy like you.
Listen to me!
Going on as though anything is going on when there isn't!
You aren't mine, I'm not yours.
And, no matter how badly I wish I was yours, I still have that voice...
the voice that tells me that I won't ever be yours.
The voice that says I don't deserve happiness.
The voice that still tells me I'm worthless...
even though once you said I was priceless.
I still don't see it.
I don't know if I ever could.
My heart feels like it's broken, when there's hardly an excuse for it to be.
No matter how much I pray that I could call you my guy...
I still won't ever believe it'll happen until it does.
I hate how I am, but I don't think I can change.
I wish I were someone else.
Someone more deserving...
someone who really does deserve love.
But, I'm not.
I'm just Heather, the outcast girl that nobody liked in school.
The black sheep of both sides of the family.
The bigger sister that isn't wanted.
The first-born that isn't loved.
The girl who loves too deeply, trusts too easily, and hurts too much.
The girl who, to be honest, knows she much more than likes you.
But, is also the girl who is terrified of ever having to try and be just friends in the future.
Because being just friends wouldn't ever work.
Because of how I feel.
Too deeply, too strongly, too passionately...
to ever be able to see you as only a friend.
And, is too terrified to tell you these words, even though I want to.
why did I ever, ever, ever make that promise?
I don't know why....
I don't know what I was thinking...
Somedays I'm glad, other days I regret it.
And, today...
I wish I had never said those words.
Because the desire is as strong as ever.
It feels like there is absolutely no privacy whatsoever.
And I cannot stand it.
On the verge of breaking down....
while sweet words from earlier flood through my mind, I wonder...
is it worth it?
They say to never regret anything that made you smile
(or was that me?)
and, I don't regret it...
but, I still wonder if it will all end?
I know I repeat myself a lot, but I know my heart will break the day...
if it ever ended, I fear, so would I.
I don't say this as a hope to scare you into staying around.
I just ...don't ever want to lose you.
Because of the feeling I get when we talk.
The feeling I get when you say sweet things.
The way you seem to be honest when you say you missed me, or that you care.
I don't want you sticking around because of pity on me.
I hope you stick around because someday you could possibly love me.
Even when I don't deserve it.
Don't deserve such a wonderful guy like you.
Listen to me!
Going on as though anything is going on when there isn't!
You aren't mine, I'm not yours.
And, no matter how badly I wish I was yours, I still have that voice...
the voice that tells me that I won't ever be yours.
The voice that says I don't deserve happiness.
The voice that still tells me I'm worthless...
even though once you said I was priceless.
I still don't see it.
I don't know if I ever could.
My heart feels like it's broken, when there's hardly an excuse for it to be.
No matter how much I pray that I could call you my guy...
I still won't ever believe it'll happen until it does.
I hate how I am, but I don't think I can change.
I wish I were someone else.
Someone more deserving...
someone who really does deserve love.
But, I'm not.
I'm just Heather, the outcast girl that nobody liked in school.
The black sheep of both sides of the family.
The bigger sister that isn't wanted.
The first-born that isn't loved.
The girl who loves too deeply, trusts too easily, and hurts too much.
The girl who, to be honest, knows she much more than likes you.
But, is also the girl who is terrified of ever having to try and be just friends in the future.
Because being just friends wouldn't ever work.
Because of how I feel.
Too deeply, too strongly, too passionately...
to ever be able to see you as only a friend.
And, is too terrified to tell you these words, even though I want to.